Home › Forums › Decoding His Signals / How Does He Feel About Me? › Deep Feelings and Missing Me…That Means What, Exactly?
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ML.
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Misty
Good for you! I’m glad you told him that you do love him but that doesn’t change how he’s acted. That is basically what happened with me. I didn’t have that conversation, but the other woman self-destructed bigtime. I was cracking up when I found out. Because 2 days later, HE initiated the exclusivity conversation via a romantic song he played for me.
If he got mad at you, then yes, he definitely was SHOCKED at your response AND he realized just how GUILTY he really is! Keep your distance knowing that it’s just a matter of DAYS before he’s back for good and promising you exactly what you want him to.
Don’t initiate any contact and above all, TRUST YOUR INTUITION…if your intuition tells you to contact him, don’t totally dismiss it because of “no contact rules”…sit/sleep on it for a day or two and then if you still feel like initiating contact, go ahead. It probably is the right time and the right thing to do at that time.
Hope that helps and good luck! :)
Anon
For all you know he is telling this woman the exact same thing he is telling you. That way he gets to keep you both hooked, and he sits back while you try to please him and prove yourselves to him.
Just saying.
Misty
@Anon,
Exactly why everyone is telling her to not initiate contact with him. If he really loves her like he says he does, he’ll dump the other woman because I guarantee she’s no match for Erin. She doesn’t have the benefit of this forum.
Newbie
I don’t understand why some of you are rooting for this guy to come back to erin. Even if i was in a casual relationship, i would have dumped him the second he told me another woman would make a great girlfriend. I would have wished him good luck and bye. I think you did a good thing erin, by telling him he cant have both ways. But its not up to him to chose, its up to you really. Think if you really want to pursue relationship with this guy. Make a list, maybe he is not so sweet as you make him to be. To me he sounds very unclear about what he wants and i know for myself that would make me very uncomfortable. So i would chose to leave the turmoil.
Hannah
Misty I think that’s a very optimistic view.
Erin what you didn’t tell us was did he choose you?? I’m assuming if he didn’t that’s the end of things and I hope you’re ok, if he did that’s great news!
Smaa
You go girl, you deserve a man who won’t make you an option.
Erin
Hi guys!
Hannah: the reason I didn’t tell post what he decided is because…well, there is currently some distance between us. He is currently at a conference on the East Coast, and I am not contacting him. The weird part of that is Sunday he was traveling all day and was letting me know when he was landing (he had to change planes several times to get to his destination), and during layovers (which weren’t very long, he let me know the flight itinerary) we talked a little about the conference and I gave him some advice about a related minor issue. But when he finally landed for good, he didn’t tell me (I had to figure it out by following the airport’s site), but made time to text me goodnight. So far today I have only heard from him once.
But before all that, after I updated here the previous time, he asked me to come over for dinner after I got off work and that he did want to talk. What the heck. So, wisely or unwisely, I went. And to my surprise and amusement, he actually went to the trouble of cooking a full meal for me. But I was still on guard and determined to be distant, so I was quiet for the most part. We ate and talked a little about work issues. Afterward, we sat on the couch, and he wanted me to sit next to him, and shortly after he tried to kiss me. I did not kiss back and he finally realized he wasn’t going to get anywhere.
To make a long story short…we talked about the issues* mentioned here, I cried (so disgusted with myself that I did, I didn’t want to), and I left him with the following words: “Have a good time at the conference. And make a decision about me. You either love me and accept me as I am and so we try, or you don’t and so move on and let me go. I love you very much but I won’t stay if I’m not entirely wanted. Think it over. I’ll see you soon.”
* Re issues: he said most likely things weren’t going to work out with the other woman; she had said something about hooking up with an ex-boyfriend once she moved down here. And in regard to what she had to prove to my guy, he said he doesn’t want her to go out and party every night- he and I, we are not clubbers or bar-hoppers. Personally, if she’s already shown that she will do such or is likely to and he doesn’t like that, he needs to stop while he’s ahead in my opinion. You cannot change someone. But that’s just me.
He also said he is already worrying about his kids and financial issues (they are still little yet he’s already concerned about putting them through college and driving) and he needs help. Admittedly, I am not in a good spot right now (I work two jobs and still have trouble with my finances) but I am trying so hard to improve my situation. And he knows I have been applying and interviewing and getting rejected. (Side note: if anyone tells you two degrees will help your job prospects, don’t believe ’em!)
Annd: he said he knew he wasn’t going to find anyone better than me. That he loves me very much, and I am beautiful and pretty and there’s a lot about me that he loves..he’s just unsure. Hence the last thing I told him about making a decision. No, he is not perfect. And there are days when I wish I did not love him, it would make my life so much easier. But I do love him. I’ve made peace with myself over that (I used to hate myself for it off and on).
So…an update without being much of an update. Will share more when/if there is something of more substance to share.
Erin
I should add: it didn’t quite sound fair, me saying that about him cooking a full meal for me. He has cooked for me in the past (steak, shrimp, and such); it’s just that I went in that night figuring he’d have fixed something quick like frozen pizza. So for everything else going on that part should be amended. Minor issue, but… *shrugs*
Newbie
Erin, please empower yourself. This guy sounds so iffy. He told you that the other woman has to proof herself to be a good girlfriend. Both things upset me: that he thinks that and that he said it to you.
Now you’re cold, but that won’t work either, because guys want to feel warmth and you gave him an ultimatum. You have to make up your mind before he comes back. You told him its his choice, but its just as much yours. Don’t give that power away, be good, be strong. You can do it.Erin
*Grover Monster voice* Hello everybodeeee! Time for another update!
So! Since last I posted, there have been a few changes. The day before he flew back from his conference, my guy was all over me texting. Out of the blue he wanted to know my sizes because he wanted to get me a shirt for a present, but that didn’t work out. But he kept texting and talking even after that, which led to him saying “How come I cannot get you out of my head?” And that when he thinks of me, he smiles, and he doesn’t want me out of his head. So that made me fairly happy.
Next day was a repeat of when he flew to the conference-he kept me updated on his travel progress. And he said he wanted to talk soon. Keep in mind, I don’t remember if I’ve said this before, but when he wants to talk, it’s usually fairly serious. I didn’t immediately jump to attention and say “I can talk now,” but told him when I was available. He said that was fine, we could wait and talk then, and there was nothing to worry about (when he wants to talk I worry), that he had something good to tell me.
Come the morning of the day we had scheduled to talk after work: I woke up to a text from him apologizing and telling me that it won’t happen due to unforeseen and abrupt circumstances. He was terribly disappointed and said he’d really wanted to see me. Here’s the kicker: in the same message, he told me that he was ending things with the other lady and that he wanted to be with me. He would explain more in person. On a funny note, I was very much awake after that message! (I had assumed I was a goner in favor of her, despite y’all’s encouragement, and so I had started focusing on other things-even went out on a friendly date with someone else)
Seeing as we would both be unable to see each other for a few days (he had to work, I had to go out of town for work), he sent me an email explaining some of the circumstances. It turns out we both want the same thing: we both need to make some changes for things to fully work out. He wants someone to help him with his children and a loving, safe, secure home for them. Fair enough. I want a loving, caring, stable relationship and someone to come home to and enjoy life with. We both agree that I need to get a better job (and I really do-currently working two part time jobs and one of them is giving me less hours and thus not enough pay and the environment there is changing for the worse), work on my stress levels and temper, and he needs to work on his communication skills. And we both want to move to the same city-better culture, better opportunities, better atmosphere overall.
Last night I finally got over to his house to talk. It was fairly relaxed- we talked about work issues on both sides, and somehow the issue of the other lady came up. I was extremely calm this time around, which I don’t think he was expecting. But he said that she was trying to move to the same city that we both want to move to. Recently she bought a house down there. They had already been having a few issues (I mentioned the partying earlier), but the dealbreaker was that she bought the house in a questionable location that he said would not be safe for his children when they came to visit. She pretty much told him she didn’t care and bought the house anyhow. Ouch. He said that they still talk, and that he plans to end it with her once she is settled in her new location (I don’t quite get why he doesn’t just break it off now as a kindness and told him so). Someone needs to explain to me how it’s better for him to wait than to just clean break now. *raised eyebrow goes here*
Oh, and he told her about me. Not much, but that he had no intentions of being exclusive with her. Yay for that, I think. I’m still absorbing it all. But according to him she has no clue he’s going to end things eventually.
And where does that leave me, you ask? He said he “loves (me) more than I understand” and referring to the previously mentioned changes, I have a better shot of getting a full-time job in our city of choice. True (I knew that before he did). He is doing everything he can to find employment down there as well. And once I have a good job down there and he has a good job down there, we will be together and exclusive. (cue the happy endings and roses-I’m in snark mode tonight)
For now, though, we are still casual, and for all intents and purposes, he has picked me over her. For now. I’m still a little wary.
Any and all comments and feedback on this would be appreciated!
Erin
Forgot to add: “And once I have a good job down there and he has a good job down there, we will be together and exclusive,” those are his words.
Sarah
Ok girlfriend. I’m going to be 100% straight up with you, because I believe you need it, what you DO NOT need is sugar coating, and misty is giving you enough you might end up with type 2 diabetes.
Let these words sink in carefully….
HE IS EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE.
He is unavailable to you, he’s unavailable to the party hopping chick he’s seeing. He’s just plain Jane unavailable.
Reason why I am saying this? Look at the excuses he keeps throwing up. “My kids! Your job! My job! The other woman!”
OMG this guy has more excuses then half of a classroom who didn’t hand in thier homework.If he really loves you, I mean REALLY loves you, there will be NO other woman. There will be NO excuses.
Sure he’s saying that he’s picking you over her, but I mean cmon, I can bet my bottom dollar that if you hadn’t of acted like you would walk away, he would still be considering her, in fact he probably is. He’s all talk followed by little action.Awwww he cooked you dinner? How sweet! NOT. The fact you are impressed by this pathetic attempt of his to show you how much he cares shows us all that you need a serious wake up call. As for promising to be exclusive after the move, why not be exclusive right now? Before it? Why go to all that effort and not be exclusive before hand as a done deal? Because it’s not going to happen and he knows this. He will throw you another excuse, a curve ball to prevent this from happening. Trust me he will. Men like this are more predictable then then weatherman.
Life and love is not a fairy tale. Don’t fall for mistys garbage, she’s obviously riding cloud nine now, but soon even she will realise she settled for a real pr*ck. I mean why the hell would you settle for a guy who had/was thinking about another woman but claims he loves you? He’s making out that he’s not sure about you… But really cmon look at him. I mean wtf the guy is a completely on the love bi polar buzz.
This is harsh but it’s for your own good. He’s not Prince Charming, he’s not going to make you happy, he’s just not that into you.
Misty
Hiyas Missy Snarky…you can SNARK AWAY…TEEHEE!!!! CUZ I’M GONNA SNARK AWAY…
HELLO SARAH!!! YEPPERS…IT’S MOI! I’VE COME TO GLOAT NOW FIRST…I REALLY CAME TO SEE WHAT KIND OF UPDATE ERIN MIGHT HAVE, BUT THEN YOU SHOWED UP FIRST WHILE I WAS STILL READING…SO YOU GET ALL THESE CAPS FROM ME…BWHAHAHAHAHAHA ANOTHER FRACKING FOOL EXPOSED EXPOSED EXPOSED BWAHAHAHAHA…
Ok, now to serious stuff…Erin, I’m sooo happy for ya! Congrats! That’s so awesome…He really DOES love ya…it’s for real and I will promise you this much…as long as you keep up your end of the bargain/deal and make the compromised changes you agree on like your temper, and he does the same with communication, and neither one of you gets “stupid”, then he’s NEVER cheat on you…he has and will forever have eyes ONLY for you! :)
CONGRATS!!! :)
Misty
*He’s NEVER going to cheat on you* is what I meant to say… :)
Newbie
I’m totally with Sarah here. This guy defines all sorts of boxes that need to be checked before he can be yours. That’s ridiculous and controlling behaviour. You define boxes after you’re already committed to each other to see what is important to each other. You need a better job first, why, for pete sake? Love doesn’t depend on a job. He just wants a roommate to help pay the bills and help with his kid. I’m sorry, i still think this guy is yuk. And he is doing the same with the other girl. Exactly the same. Snap out, find a better guy. You deserve that.
Newbie
And misty: he is never gonna cheat on you is not the only thing why you should hang on to a guy. My list is longer: like respectful to me, loving, caring, not demanding etc.
Newbie
And Sarah, i laughed with the type 2 diabetes.
Sarah
It’s a fact, crazy people always write out paragraphs in caps. Just sayin.
By all means, if you want to believe this commitment phobe will magically “love you forever and ever” as long as you hold your temper (as misty beautifully put it) then please, glue those rose tinted glasses to your head.
Anne
This man has the job of nanny/cook/housekeeper he wants to fill and he has two women auditioning who haven’t gotten wise to his game of playing one against the other.
Anne
Oh, and he needs the nanny/cook/housekeeper to have an outside job earning a certain amount of money so you can help with the bills and putting his kids through college because he can’t earn enough on his own to cover it all.
STILL want to keep applying??
EM
Erin,
This guy is clearly treating you like an option. He is playing you and the other girl. Just cut all contact with him and he is gonna come running after you but I strongly advice you to move on from this guy.
It sounds like you are unsatisfied with your job, so focus on finding a better job and then finding a better man
L
100% agree with Sarah I am also curious to know “why not be exclusive right now”?
kaye
Erin,
I know you really want this to work out and I hope the best for you, but I want to put a thought out there. You want to know why he hasn’t broken it off with the other woman yet…because he doesn’t WANT to! He had her move to a city of his choosing and she buys a house but it’s not in a part of town that meets his standards so he’s going to end things. Just not now. I mean let her get settled because according to him she has no clue he’s going to break things off. Doesn’t that tell you something? Even if he’s told her about you he’s acted like it’s not serious or he’s not in love with you because she has NO CLUE he’s going to break up.
So let’s see, you’re expected to find a better job and move, and only AFTER that will he be exclusive. So what makes you think you’re going to end up in a different situation than this other woman? Do you think he’s not telling her the same thing? Think about it. What if your job isn’t quite up to the standards he’s set? Where does that leave you now that you’ve had to move and take a job?
Misty
Erin,
In the end you have to do what feels right to you. Everyone told me exactly what they are telling you. Thing is, they are right up to a point. It is beyond that point that you have to look to and HAVE FAITH IN. I chose to look beyond it and stick to my guns and it was the best thing I did. If I hadn’t had the patience and belief in God and in myself, I might have listened to all the chorus of voices telling me he wasn’t right for me and I’m a fool and a side chick and a FWB or booty call and all of that bullshit.
You can be “all serious” and do “the societal norm” and move on. Thing is, will you keep “moving on” until you die or will you take a chance on love and find true happiness in this lifetime?
Bree
Well I know everyone is saying that Misty is looking at this with rose colored glasses, and I would agree to some extent. But at the same time I was in a similar situation just a few weeks ago. I had posted my issue on the forum and all the advice seemed to point to the fact this guy I was seeing was emotionally unavailable and would never commit. So I spent a week and a half thinking about what everyone said and reading all kinds of things online and also praying that I would get some kind of divine intervention for me to know which way to go. When I finally saw him again I was just minutes from breaking up with him and telling him that I couldn’t be with a man who couldn’t communicate his feelings and couldn’t commit to me. And do you know what happened?!? After me being distant for over a week and him shutting down every time I brought up any kind of feelings or emotions he comes up behind me in the kitchen, kisses me on the neck and said I LOVE YOU Bree!!! This guy who has NEVER once said the “L word” the entire time we have dated said it right then and there just like that. I didn’t even reply I was so shocked. He asked me if I could say it back and he actually had to ask me twice because I was in such shock I couldn’t speak!! But I do love him and I said it. He said why have we been so afraid to say that until now?!? I just looked at him in disbelief. And he said he knew he was just afraid to open up and be vulnerable. And then as we talked a little later he said that he only wanted me, that he didn’t want another woman and he didn’t want me to be with another man. This totally came out of the blue for me. I was literally minutes from breaking it off with him and walking away. If I had, he never would had said those words. But saying it has totally changed things. Everything is so calm, and easy and happy. He has been acting totally different now, wanting to spend all his free time with me, and talking about things in the future which he never did before. So, there is something to be said for having faith and doing what feels right for you.
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