Dating Someone Grieving


  • This topic has 10 replies and was last updated 5 years ago by Louise.
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  • #639334 Reply
    Millie

    It’s been about three months since I’ve been seeing someone who recently lost a parent. When we first started talking, he said that due to the loss he had experienced, he wasn’t wanting to jump into anything. Not really knowing where it would lead, I just went with it and discovered that we have an amazing connection and I’ve never met someone I have been more compatible with on so many different levels.

    He lives about an hour away and lately has been hesitant in making plans with me because plans cause him anxiety. He largely attributes this to the loss of his loved one rather than anything to do with me, but I am worried that this will continue to be a hurdle in our relationship. I am eager to integrate him more into my life, but I know he needs time. I am also unsure on how to communicate this to him without causing additional stress or neediness when he’s already going through such a challenging time.

    I am having great difficulty respecting his need for space, while figuring out my boundaries and all while having internal reservations that nothing will evolve between us further, all without applying too much pressure to push him over the edge and push him away.

    #639337 Reply
    Khadija

    Millie,

    He may be sensing that you want more time and effort and he’s pulling away.

    This is a hard one to call because its a new relationship, had you established dating before the death it would might be different.

    I’ll be honest, you may want to keep your options open because from the very beginning he gave you a disclaimer.

    In your post a lot of your needs aren’t being met. While I understand the reason behind it, finding a better match at this time could be in your best interest.

    #639338 Reply
    Rita

    He lost a parent which is the most saddest moment of anyone’s life and you are here thinking about what you want and having difficulty respecting his need for space? It has only been three months that you’ve been dating this guy and you are already showing signs of neediness. Leave that poor soul alone and let him grieve in peace. If he is interested in you he will come to you himself when he is feeling better. Let him contact you, stop messaging him and asking him to meet up. Imagine being in his shoes. Guys especially grieve differently. They like to be left alone, need a lot of space. I am sorry to say but you are very selfishly thinking here.

    #639339 Reply
    Phillygirl

    Anyone who has ever lost someone close to them knows how painful (and personal) such a loss is.

    People need time and space to grieve. If he has indicated he wants space and isn’t ready for a relationship, believe him.

    Cut him loose and make yourself available for someone who is. It can take years (in some cases) to be able to fully function after a great loss. It took me more than 5 years to heal (enough) after I lost my Dad, to be anywhere near a good frame of mind. The circumstances of the loss also color things differently.

    We tell women all the time, NOT to wait around for someone who isn’t ready for a relationship, and YES…the reason really doesn’t matter.

    Trust me, if it’s really meant to be, he would find you again. I had an ex come back after more than 10 years, and make every effort to win me back.

    The secret is not staying, but walking away to find your own happiness. In all likelihood, you are wasting time with this guy, while the RIGHT guy is out there, but you have closed yourself off to meeting him.

    #639342 Reply
    Candace

    Don’t be “eager to integrate” anyone into your life. Let the guy have his space, no telling how long it will take. Let him come to you when he’s ready and get on with your life.

    #639346 Reply
    Judy

    I disagree with Rita that you are being selfish. I think if he was grieving and not in a good place that he is not ready to date and should not be. It could be a convenient excuse as well. Anyway-I would not expect anything from this guy.

    #639351 Reply
    Emma

    Maybe it is purely my impression but I’ve senses just how hard it is for you to put up with him needing space, not wanting to make plans with you, etc. I’ve lost my dear dad and my HB, then a BF, was with me at the time, it was very early in our relationship, it did not prevent me from making plans with him. I suspect you lack some very basic consideration from this guy and it has nothing to do with his grief, I maybe wrong but this is what it feels like to me.

    Making plans should not be a chore, it should be something normal. Agree to meet for this and that day, if you can’t, then let me know asap, as simple as that. I suspect you don’t get even this much, do you?

    #639353 Reply
    Sara

    I may be stating the obvious, but he fully disclosed he wasn’t up for a relationship. Yet you said you decided to go with the flow and try to convince him (my words) that you would be worth it.

    You will lose him for good if you don’t honor and respect his wishes to let loose. He may at some point want to integrate his life with you, or he may not. You being there through this grief could work for or against you. I say against you because you will always remind him of this grieving period. So for him to move forward he may reflect on it fondly or he may not want the reminder of you being around any longer.

    I would stop forcing things and let loose. Let him come to you on his own terms. It’s anyone’s guess this may turn out.

    Oh, and it could be an excuse not to get close to you too. I’ve seen that happen.

    #639365 Reply
    redcurleysue

    Grief is a funny thing. It impacts everyone differently.

    That said, he is not ready for a relationship. Honor that and look elsewhere for love. If he changes his mind he will let you know.

    #742045 Reply
    Lula

    I am dating someone I have chatted with in a club over the past 4 years but it’s too loud to talk and a language barrier. Now he came and did a repair for me as a friend at my house and we had coffee together at my house and lots of long conversations. And it turned into a relationship and after a month and a half his mom across the world had a medical emergency with her breathing and he has been wrapped up in arranging medical care wiring money and so on. To keep her alive. She had two major lung surgeries and recovery has been rough lots of return stays in the hospital. He is concerned she might not make it. So the past 3-4 weeks have been him grieving the possibility of her loss. He said he loved me but later he needs to hold off on building maintaining a relationship though he wants to still see me we are close. But when he is ready he wants me to be his girlfriend. It is sad to see the person I love go through so much heartache. He has so many responsibilities. I am just here cause I feel like he is every day dealing with the possibility of losing his mom. I try to support to listen to check in. I give him space. I follow his lead. It is worth it because that’s how I would want to be treated and it is how I want him to be treated. Doing the right thing no matter how it works out is always the right thing!

    #742058 Reply
    Louise

    When I met my FWB he was grieving the loss of a sibling 3 years on and told me that he was still struggling with it. We’re 9 months down the line, after some initial angst on my part I settled into what we had, didn’t push him or make demands, and our friendship has really grown, to the point we’re discussing making it ‘more’.

    Things *can* grow with a man who is grieving but you need patience, independence, to not be massively invested, and nerves of steel. Is that you?

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