This topic contains 19 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Khadija 10 months, 1 week ago.
March 20, 2017 at 9:11 pm #612737
I met a guy on POF two Months ago and we started chatting regularly for a couple of weeks before our first date. Everything was amazing and after our second date he told me he had deleted his POF profile because he felt like he didn’t need it anymore. So I deleted mine and we have continued dating regularly, seeing each other once or twice a week on arranged dates (restaurants, cinema, gigs etc). We have been intimate twice and after the second time, I merrily went home the next day to later on that evening discover through a friend he has signed back up to Tinder. He deactivated his Facebook account months before I met him, so I know he hasn’t been on Tinder all the time we were dating because you need a Facebook login to use it. So I checked Facebook and he has reactivated his account.
I know we haven’t spoken the words about being exclusive but I can’t help feeling hurt by this, I haven’t spoken to him since I found out and I’m not sure how to play it. I know it’s early days but if he was interested in me, surely he wouldn’t need to sign back up to a dating app?!
I’m now feeling like I’m not good enough for him and wondering if I should cut my losses or see how things go.
Sorry for the long-winded post but I would be so grateful for some advice, I’m totally feeling lost and hurt 🙁March 20, 2017 at 9:23 pm #612739
This has nothing to do with you not being good enough.
Maybe he is not good enough for you. Character and integrity will matter long after the puppy love wears off.
Keep him in your dating rotation if you like. Date others (without sex). You are not off the market until you have a conversation in which the man tells you he wants for both of you to be off the market.
This guy only said he was off of one dating website. That is meaningless really.March 20, 2017 at 9:27 pm #612741
I met a guy online, too. We have been dating for 5 weeks. His profile is still active. I will still date other people and see how thing goes.
OP you could do the same. Don’t stop dating other people before exclusivity.March 20, 2017 at 9:35 pm #612743
If he would have kept his dating profile and not deleted it, I would have been able to understand it more, but to find out he’s just signed up to a dating app after dating me for two months is a bit of a kick to the stomach.March 20, 2017 at 9:41 pm #612744
He told you he didn’t need to look any further after your second date…he didn’t even know you. Guys say things in the moment that they don’t mean when they get excited about the idea of something. It doesn’t mean they’re a jerk it just means to take what they say with a grain of salt. It’s like when you meet a guy & they say they’ve never liked someone this much before & then something goes wrong for no reason or they get distant. They say things either in the moment or because they want you to like them. Once they get some form of feedback that you are into them, this is when they can get shady. Don’t feel bad! This happens to everyone so don’t feel like you’re not good enough, of course you are! It’s not a reflection of you. What you should do is look to date others yourself. Do not say say anything to him, but be a little reserved in the sense you don’t show your cards, don’t act like he “has you” be more mysterious. Don’t play games but don’t act attached or smitten by him. Adopt the attitude of “can take him or leave him”March 20, 2017 at 9:47 pm #612745
T from NY
I can understand why you’re sad. I mean although you two haven’t had “the talk” about exclusivity yet — he inferred that he wasn’t dating anyone else by volunteering to you that he had deleted his POF account.
I feel like there is a direct way you can play this — but you’ll need to do some thinking and get yourself together first. You need to decide what you want and will accept from this guy. 2 months is early days and things seem to be going well. But some guys at this point get a little skittish as time passes because they know the girl they’ve been seeing will expect a relationship. Some also feel they have the right to look around and should because it’s just too soon to commit and they’ve made no outright promises.
It’s all gonna depend on how you feel. I don’t necessarily think that just because he hasn’t locked you down within 60 days that it means he doesn’t really like you or that your relationship is doomed. But I also don’t like that he sorta led you to believe he was off-line.
So if you wanna continue seeing him — and if it were me, I would get myself as calm as possible (and I know it will be difficult) and then when you have the next opportunity to talk to him in person, I would just very direct and say — “Hey my girlfriend noticed you were on Tinder.” And then just let him talk. He might tell you it’s an old profile or whatev. I think that is a perfect time to say — “I know we haven’t talked about what we’re looking for, but eventually I’m
lookong for a relationship and something long term — what about you?” Then listen AGAIN.
Only you will know if the answers he gives you can give you enough peace to continue seeing him. Best of luck to youMarch 20, 2017 at 9:50 pm #612746
Ashley just gave you some great advice!March 20, 2017 at 9:56 pm #612749
Your feelings are understandable and warranted Sarah.
One thing I can be sure of is that you should not pretend anything. The next time that you talk to him (don’t do this by text!) tell him….
“It has come to my attention that you are on a dating app. Is there something I should know?”
Then…be silent….listen to what he says. Let the truth reveal itself whether it comes from what he says or what he doesn’t say.
I never advocate asking “What is our status?” to a guy ( don’t force it to be a commitment before it’s time)….but should not be afraid to ask for clarification when his words and actions don’t align. What do you have to lose by asking? A loser, a liar, an emotional unavailable man, a player? No loss there.March 20, 2017 at 10:15 pm #612753
So as soon as you two had sex he went back on Tinder? Maybe by telling women he deleted his profile and focuses on them this is how he gets them to sleep with him? And once he gets it he moves on to the next one?
I’d definitely talk to him the way ladies suggested here but be prepared to WALK instantly if you hear some pathetic lies or even something wishy-washy.March 20, 2017 at 11:59 pm #612769
I think you should get on Tinder too and swipe left on him.March 21, 2017 at 1:17 am #612772
I also think you should get back online…not to manipulate or spite him, but to just get out there and date, and not focus solely on him..
However, sorry to hear that Sarah…that must have hurt..but just get up, brush yourself off, go out and have some fun.
best of luckMarch 21, 2017 at 6:09 am #612795
Sarah- the ladies gave you great peices of advice on how to deal with this. I understand how annoying it feels, but before talking to this guy make sure you’re calm, very calm. High emotions can lead us to saying things we don’t really mean and later on regret. Also, don’t ever feel you’re not good enough,what he is doing is not a reflection of you but of him! And lastly, sign up to Tinder and continue dating!
Back then, I am not used to dating multiple men (no sex defenitely, for health reasons too.) what I would do is I date one guy at a time and what happens is that I tend to focus on him and end up thinking about a relationship already. Recently, I wanted to experience what’s it’s like dating others at the same time and it’s amazing! One – My attention is divided to them, can’t focus on only one. Two- I am enjoying their company and I get to compare which one I really like that leads to 3 – I am taking my sweet time in figuring things out instead of rushing in 4 – I made it clear with these men what I am looking for (one subtly asked me to go home with him but then I said that yes it’s tempting BUT I would rather know someone better first and make sure we are on the same page before getting intimate with them) 5 – of course, I am being flirty to give them the green light that I like them so I will just sit back and 6 – see and observe who will step up (…then that’s the lucky lad who will get me to bed and who will get me to invest more :p)
Bottomline: just go out there, start meeting people, continue dating, enjoy the dating process. Dont be afraid of stating what you are looking for in a relationship and then take it from there. 🙂March 21, 2017 at 7:27 am #612806
You also start dating others. A perfect slap on his face for lying.March 21, 2017 at 4:54 pm #612943
Thank you all so much for your advice and kind words. I haven’t heard anything from him now for two days which is not like him (a day at the most sometimes). I’ve decided I won’t contact him first, although I am thinking what do I do if he doesn’t contact me at all? I have also signed up to Tinder myself and will start dating other people. I’m still feeling hurt and upset but I’m trying to do things for myself to take my mind off it.March 21, 2017 at 5:04 pm #612945
Sounds like he wants to see what’s out there & play the field. It’s better for you to know this now rather than later. If he’s not all in, this is no loss to you so try not to be upset I know it’s hard. If he doesnt contact you at all, then of course you do nothing (aside from deleting his number)March 21, 2017 at 5:06 pm #612946
I think you need to forget him. He made a point of telling you he deleted his profile and then you found out he was still on an online dating site. He sounds like a creep. If it were me, I would forget him. Who cares if you never hear from him again? He’s probably doing you a favor if he disappears.March 21, 2017 at 6:05 pm #612969
Have you considered the fact that maybe, before he met you, when he used Facebook he had tinder also. Then he inactivated/deleted his Facebook which automatically deleted/deactivated his tinder account. But when he reactivated his Facebook it automatically reactivated his tinder account too? He may not even be aware of it.March 21, 2017 at 6:10 pm #612970
I am sorry this happened to you. Here is the lesson learned. Emotionally believe a man is dating others, always, until he locks you down.
I do not care if he says he went offline….what the hell does that mean? He still can meet women in person.
When a man asks you to stop seeing other people and only see him….you say yes or no and act accordingly. Until that day believe he is seeing at least ten other women…..no matter what “hints” he gives.March 21, 2017 at 6:22 pm #612977
Ahhhhh social media and dating sites- the ultimate killers of meaningful relationships..March 21, 2017 at 6:22 pm #612978
Many moons ago something similar to this happened to me.
I was dating a guy on a regular basis and he initially told me that he had deleted his profile.
A month or so later I found out he had reactivated it and I was beyond crushed.
What I learned is to continue to date others until someone locked me down.
I know this stings a bit but I’d give this another month or so and see what he does. Meanwhile you should be out living your life.
Guys say a lot of things in the beginning the true test is their actions in the long run.