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melissa.
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melissa
Hi, my name is Melissa and for the past 3 days I have been going crazy. Here’s what is going on.
Eric and I have been exclusive for just over 3 months. See each other on the weekends, text everyday. He says I fit wit him so well. He has introduced me to his family and friends. Everything has been great.
Friday night we go out for supper have lots of fun. When we get back to my house we are still in the vehicle and he says that the mushy texts I sometimes send he really likes. He says at its he wasn’t sure. I don’t send many just every now and agian. He then says he really really likes me. While holding my hand and looking at me. I tried to play cool and said I know that. No love word was thrown out but there was a lot of feeling there.
We go inside and he spends the night holding me closer and asking if I am happy. I say yes very happy.
He leaves the next morning and we say see you later. We had plans to go out that night. About 2 hours later he sends a text saying not to be upset but he is going to go alone?!
I say ok and ask if there is something I did he says no and he is confused.
I let him be and later that night ask if I’m still his girlfriend. He says yes and that is is him and he is sorry to be putting me thru this.
Sunday he dosent text much. I say good morning and I tell him I can feel he might need to catch his breath. That I’m still his go he is still my bff and I’m not going anywhere. I would like to keep the communication open and we can just relax a little. He said that sounds good.
So my question is this, how do I not go crazy with the change in contact?
Why the sudden curveball? Should I have responded better when he was saying how much he likes me?
Should I give him a few more days with just minimal contact then ask him what is going on?
I am doing horrible right now, crying at the drop of a hat.
Sorry this is so long it just really threw me for a loop:(Stefanie
After reading so many of these pleas for help on this site from gals who get the big pullback from guys… I’m now convinced that text messages are a creation of Satan himself, sent to cause as much havoc as possible within the human race.
Hon, guys DO this when they get close. You handled it right. Now you have to walk your talk. Nothing to freak over. Go on about your business, give him the space and 99% he’ll come back around.
Can I suggest, less text and more real talk, on the phone or in person!!
Lane
Hi Melissa.
I know this is very hard and confusing but the best thing you can do right now is to pull back and give him some time to think. Men process emotions much differently than we do because of how their brains wired. For us its easy (and worse) because our emotional sensory is always on high alert, but men’s are compartmentalized so it takes them longer to process and define emotions.
For instance we can walk into a shoe store and immediately find the shoe we want because our brain operates on the emotional aspect, however men’s aren’t whereas they need to go to multiple stores and try on many different ones before they find the right one. I wouldn’t go to the dark side just yet, but allow some oxygen (space) to reignite his flame by allowing him to miss you which is what he needs to feel to be sure if you’re the one or not (this is how guys fall in love).
Do not contact him at all as it will only interrupt his process and may pull back further if you don’t respect his request for space. Really try to stay busy (paint a room, do a puzzle, cook a new entree, go to the gym, bowling, take up a old/new hobby, etc.) to keep your thoughts focused on something else. I know you’re confused, but so is he which is why he needs a little space to sort out his emotions/feelings—if he really misses you during this time apart then he will come back and most likely profess his love shortly thereafter.
So hang in there and be strong even though its super hard.
melissa
Thank you, even if he says we can still communicate am I suppose to not say anything? I really wish I knew what he is confused about or if my reaction was not enough and he got scared of his feelings. Ugh, why do we overthink everything? I just went from being so happy to totally confused in a matter of hours. Is the 3-4 month time period really a time for guys to get confused and wanna pull back?
Harley
Yes.. the 3-4 month mark is usual.
If he wants to stay in touch but not date.. tell him you are seeking a relationship… if he doesn’t step up… kick his ass to the curb as all he wants is to keep you on a string as the back-up plan/fall back girl.
Hopefully he is JUST thinking and will spring back and all will be like normal… do NOT bring up his pulling away. just welcome him back.
Lane
Yes, this is a critical juncture for a man to determine if he’s fallen in love with you or not. Again, DO NOT COMMUNICATE because your emotions are all over the place and may say something that may appear innocuous to you, could come across to him differently especially if by text which is the WORST FORM OF COMMUNICATION that results in the highest rate of miscommunication. Honestly, your generation has the WORST dating success rate where texting results in majority of the issues because couples are no longer able to “communicate” with each other.
Just let him be and give him time to MISS YOU. When HE does reach out be upbeat and positive by telling him you’ve been busy (don’t go into specifics), then keep it short and don’t engage in endless text banter because again if you’re always there and available he can’t miss you! Re-read that again “if you’re ALWAYS available he can’t miss you!”
Give him some time to miss you and if he fears losing you to another man he will shape up very quickly!
melissa
Lane, you have some good advice can you give me any info on why it was such a sudden thing? I mean it has been great and that night was great and then bam! How can his feelings change so rapidly?
Lane
Because men’s brains are wired differently than ours is. They are from MARS and we are from VENUS (really need to read about this). Men have more difficulty in describing and defining their emotions than we do, so its normal for them to pull away from time to time (look up the “rubber band theory”) Sure there are SOME emotions like PAIN they can instantly feel if they drop a hammer on their toe, but when it comes to love (romance) they need to draw a map to their heart so to speak.
They need CUES, such as “physical attraction” (a must), “thinking of you constantly”, “missing you when not in his presence”, etc. to help decipher their feelings towards a woman. You have to remember that mother nature designed the male and female species differently in order to continue our existence. Men are natural born “hunters and protectors” where they used to go out into the wilderness for days/weeks at a tine in total silence to hunt their prey, or fight against those trying to harm their family/clan. Women on the other hand are the nurturers who provide comfort, emotional and medical support to their men and offspring. In a nutshells we’re two species with different ways of thinking, speaking and doing things.
Even though we’ve evolved, men are still hardwired to seek out space which they use to think, solve a problem and/or regenerate from high levels of emotional activity (usually work related) which is very draining on a man because they can’t handle too much of it and are compelled to ESCAPE from it. Once you understand how men TICK its makes it a heck of a lot easier to live with them :oP
melissa
So I give him his space and he dosent miss me. What does that say about me? He basically said he loves me and then he’s gone. And I’m just suppose to be like oh well I’m fine. I don’t need any answers.
We all need space but I am not a pushy person, I never asked for anything and never was the type to constantly have to be in touch.
It’s not fair that he says he needs space and I’m still his girlfriend but it’s ok to not talk to me.
I’m sorry but this hurts..stefanie
I”m a total Harley and Lane fan after a short time on this site. Very wise women.
Melissa, it doesn’t say ANYTHING about you. No one’s behavior never says anything about anyone other than themselves. Remember that.
I’m not pushy and take responsibility for my own happiness and my BF still goes in the man cave. It’s not about you or anything you do or say, why they do that. It hurts because you are interpreting male behavior through a female filter against female standards. Stop doing that and you will stop hurting. I was in the same place you are when I found this site and read and learned. Fast. Drop the hurt story and you will feel better, instantly. Honest.
Lane
Melissa.
How much space do you think is too much? Sorry but three days is nothing to a man, over a week is cause for concern. You don’t know if he’s missing you or not because your so consumed with how YOU FEEL at the moment that you’re not willing to look at his side of the equation. Again, men don’t always understand WHY they’re feeling the way they do which is why they need some time (space) to figure it out. Women work out their stuff by TALKING IT OUT, men do not, they go inward and “THINK IT OUT”—its how their brain’s wired and if you can’t accept this fact then you are going to have a lot of difficulty in relationships.
Honestly, a few days is like an hour to a guy…where do you think the saying “I lost track of time” came from? A GUY! Again, if you don’t hear from him in a week only then would I be a bit concerned, but I still wouldn’t allow it to affect me and continue to live my life normally. My guy went MIA for over 10 days and I did NOTHING—didn’t call, text or ask whats up…just continued on with my normal routine without giving it much thought. Guess what, yet he “sprang back” as if he hadn’t even been gone that long and returned right back to his normal routine of calling and taking me out, actually took me out an extra day that week to make up for the lost time I guess.
Most ladies would be like WTF and go all nutso, but I’m very secure in who I am and won’t allow a man (or anyone else for that matter) to control my thoughts or feelings—they’re mine and I own them.
No relationship is guaranteed. Once you embrace this fact and can be secure in who you are as a person, whether you’re with a man or not, makes relationships a lot easier. I know your hurting, confused and wish he would give you an answer, but the truth is he probably doesn’t have one which is why he needs some space to “think it out”. So sit back, don’t go to the dark side yet and try really hard to reign in your negative emotions—like they say “practice makes perfect”!
melissa
Thank you ladies. I’m trying to see it that way and just relax and go with what I first suggested to him. I did text good night and texted right back. With his typical kiss icon. I’m just gonna work hard at keeping contact minimal but he did agree to keeping in contact. I am going to hope, even tho I know deep down I don’t need a man to make me happy, that he comes back. Until he says I’m not his girlfriend I’m going to keep going and do the best I can. Thanks for all the help so far. I’m going to keep reading and seeing what else I can find to help.
melissa
Ok ladies, I’ve been trying to stay busy and the only communication I have had with him is a good morning and good night text. I have read about the rubber band theory. I am still not doing the best. I am hurt because trying to figure out how he can say he won’t leave and cares for me so much and the next morning it’s gone?! Literally in a matter of hours how is that possible. I just needed to vent I feel so crushed.
Harley
Sit on yourself and wait ! Do not contact. Let him come back in his own time and make him earn you.
melissa
Harley, what if he dosent? I’ve been hurt like this before, just dropped and that’s why I am having a hard time with not having feelings that it is something I did.
The other relationship tho wwasn’t like this one, I realized it wasn’t going to go anywhere after it was over.i worked on myself, got in a good place quit looking for a relationship and then I met Eric. This time I felt genuine feelings.
I will try the absolutely no contact even tho it hurts.Harley
If he doesn’t come back…then he’s an asshole and you had a lucky escape. Value yourself more. Never want a man who does not want you.i thought I’d never get over my ex…then i met an old friend and fell like a ton of bricks for him…He doesn’t want me either. I may bump into him over the weekend. ..I may not. ..but I sure as hell ain’t chasing him anymore. If he can’t value me….no matter how crazy I am about him…I don’t want him.
You….do the same.
Sassperilla
Melissa, men do not use words or send out signals lightly because they KNOW that giving off the wrong idea to a woman is opening a potential can of worms. SO, if he has intimated to you that he has strong feelings and checking you are happy with how things are, then he means it. And now he’s probably like “ok cool, we’re all sorted there, she’s happy, I’m happy, now I should really get that project done at work, catch up with my mates, see my mum and get that out of the way so I can go back to spending lots of time with her…” men are practical, they do things one task at a time, they invest in you and then assume it’s banked and earning interest so they can take care of the other bits knowing they are building a solid foundation with you. They don’t realise that with women they’re putting tokens in the machine and they’re being swallowed up at a rate of knots by worry, insecurity and paranoia! Why not bank those love tokens and let them earn interest while he’s away, instead of allowing negative thoughts to erode his investment?
Give him peace and space and get on with your amazing life, and he will come back with 10x the interest of before. Act like a mini psycho and chip away at him and he’ll be looking for the emergency exit!
PS I also agree with everything Lane has said!
melissa
Sassperilla, thank you. I hope you are right. He had several times how he has never met someone like me and it was scary for him. I hope that wasn’t a major red flag! If it was don’t tell me! But he got more and more comfortable telling me he liked me and we got along very well. The uncomfortable silence people talk about we never had that. We didn’t need to be constantly talking to feel happy. I wish I was more confident and could see it from his side. I have read about them pulling away and it is normal for them to do that when they have to figure things out.
Amelia
Melissa.
How much space do you think is too much? Sorry but three days is nothing to a man, over a week is cause for concern. You don’t know if he’s missing you or not because your so consumed with how YOU FEEL at the moment that you’re not willing to look at his side of the equation. Again, men don’t always understand WHY they’re feeling the way they do which is why they need some time (space) to figure it out. Women work out their stuff by TALKING IT OUT, men do not, they go inward and “THINK IT OUT”—its how their brain’s wired and if you can’t accept this fact then you are going to have a lot of difficulty in relationships.
Honestly, a few days is like an hour to a guy…where do you think the saying “I lost track of time” came from? A GUY! Again, if you don’t hear from him in a week only then would I be a bit concerned, but I still wouldn’t allow it to affect me and continue to live my life normally. My guy went MIA for over 10 days and I did NOTHING—didn’t call, text or ask whats up…just continued on with my normal routine without giving it much thought. Guess what, yet he “sprang back” as if he hadn’t even been gone that long and returned right back to his normal routine of calling and taking me out, actually took me out an extra day that week to make up for the lost time I guess.
Most ladies would be like WTF and go all nutso, but I’m very secure in who I am and won’t allow a man (or anyone else for that matter) to control my thoughts or feelings—they’re mine and I own them.
No relationship is guaranteed. Once you embrace this fact and can be secure in who you are as a person, whether you’re with a man or not, makes relationships a lot easier. I know your hurting, confused and wish he would give you an answer, but the truth is he probably doesn’t have one which is why he needs some space to “think it out”. So sit back, don’t go to the dark side yet and try really hard to reign in your negative emotions—like they say “practice makes perfect”!
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Lane, you are a GENIUS. Please rub your wisdom off on me. lolmelissa
I do wish I could be as confident. Lol. I haven’t gone nuts on him, just to myself. I have not let him know I am hurting or texted non stop or asked him why why why.
I’m going to hope still he will ccome back. Lane has good advice I hope some day I can be so secure in myself!Lane
HI Mellissa.
I know its super hard when you really like a guy for them to pull away like this, but trust me its not you, its HIM, so give him a little time to miss you for a bit. Guys freak out too but they handle it opposite than we do—so sit tight, let him come to you, and respond to him as if he’s not missing at all when he does reach out.
Can I ask if you were too dependent, getting too serious, or giving him more attention than he was you? This can propel a guy to pull back to test to see how you’ll react which is WHY its critical you remain calm, cool and don’t give him more attention than he’s giving you.
Men who are falling in love can scare themselves out a relationship if their afraid of getting serious too soon. This is why you cannot freak out on him or he will totally bolt! Honestly, the 3rd and 4th month is a critical juncture for men because if they haven’t fully committed yet, then they’re still on the fence and if you get too serious, clingy, insecure or overly emotional during this time it gives them a reason to say “sayonara”.
This is why women should never invest more than a man is investing. You should be giving 10% and he should be giving 90% during the first few months with you mainly WATCHING him to see if he’s compatible for you. Once you’ve committed then you can balance it out a bit with him giving 60% and you 40%…gotta keep them on their toes :-)
melissa
I was very careful this time with him. Kept it light and fun he did more of the contacting and wanting to introduce me as his girlfriend, had me meet his friends, tell me how happy he is. That’s why I think when he was telling me how much he cared maybe I shouldn’t have played it as cool. He knows I really like him but I could tell when he was saying it this time there was a lot of feeling behind it.
Maybe that’s why I’m so freaked out about it being my fault.melissa
Ok Lane, I am going to try to do no contact, even tho its only been a good morning and good night now. I do need your help again, I did send one text saying I am here and I will always listen. I know. Dumb. That’s all it saud. After reading everything I hope that wasn’t too much. Like I said I have not been needy or sent anything about how much this is hurting me.
Should I send anything saying when he is ready to talk or hope to hear from him or just keep pretending that my heart isn’t breaking and go no contact?Lane
Melissa you need to STOP. You are giving him FAR MORE than he’s giving you and this is exactly what I was talking about. Trust me, you weren’t playing too cool because believe it or not, the cooler you are the better the chances it will evolve into a commitment. For instance my ex husband dropped the “I love you bomb” after the first month I agreed to finally date him after he pursued me for a few months. When he dropped it I straight up told him “I don’t feel that way about you” but that didn’t stop him from chasing me. It took me another 5 months to get there and he actually didn’t believe it when I first said it back lol.
If you keep pushing he’s going to pull back further. A man needs to like you more than you like him for him to get there—don’t know WHY but its how their wired so biology wins out here. He KNOWS you like him so stop chasing him, let him come back to you, and if meant to be it will happen.
Lane
As a side note: I’m the one who would do a pull back on guys I dated (including my ex) and it freaked them out! It wasn’t them, it was ME as I was the one who needed some space from time-to-time to get back to doing things I was neglecting or take a “me break”. So give him some SPACE or he will pull back further because he is seeing it as “neediness” and its a turn off.
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