Cultural differences in dating styles. Please help!


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This topic contains 18 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Shoshannah 3 weeks, 4 days ago.

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  • #678869 Reply

    Pat

    I met this guy i like recently. He is somewhat shy at least he says he is. He won’t initiate calls or texts but will reply me immediately if i send him a text. He is from Eastern Europe and the women there seem to take the leading in dating. I like him and he likes me. Whenever we meet, he is constantly offering to and helping me do stuff. He even rubs my ear, neck, shoulders playfully. He helps me lift stuff. Once, i had a house party. He offered to stay behind after the party to help clean up which he did!
    We’ve both talked about our feelings. We are both into each other but definitely not in the “in-love” stage. I do not really like to take the lead in dating (that is ask him out, constantly initiate outings (which he happily agrees to) and stuff like that) but i really like this guy and would like to actually be in a relationship with him and see where that goes. I am stomped cos I want him but i do not want to chase him (in other words look desperate) and i don’t even know how to. How do i go abut this delicately?

    #678870 Reply

    Amanda

    Are you dating at all? Has he ever asked you out? If not I would send him a text that says, “By the way, I have a crush on you 🙂 Maybe we should hang out some time…” Even the most shy guys would take that opportunity. if he is into you, he will jump on that.

    #678886 Reply

    Emma

    Where did you get this information that in Eastern Europe women take the lead in dating?

    regardless of where he is from, you need to stop initiating dates to which you guy “happily agrees”. LOL He maybe shy and submissive and from whatever culture, but he is still a male so let him behave like one. He sounds like a nice guy, so a hint or nudge or even direct “order” might work with him. LOL start with a hint. LOL If he doesn’t get it then you can move on to something more “specific”. LOL

    #679731 Reply

    Pat

    So i took your advice kinda, asked if he wanted to hang out. of course, he said yes. He ended up telling me that he is very shy which is surprising as in Europe, he was in the military and he does look very confident when in groups. Anyway, he clarified that he is really shy when he meets women he is actually interested in. I told him to plan hangouts (as we seem to have different opinions about the word “dates”) and he said he is too shy to initiate meetups and he has never been good with this. 3 days ago, he asked me to go with him someplace for a social gathering he regularly participates in and said he would send me the address. I haven’t gotten any information with the address and i am waiting if he would send it only in the morning of the day or just a few hours before. I have decided not to ask about it and wait to see what he does.

    #679732 Reply

    Amanda

    Okay now you have made it abundantly clear you like him. The excuse that he is still too shy to ask you out doesn’t make a lot of sense. Either it is an excuse and he isn’t into it, or he has too many psychological issues and you wouldn’t want to date him.

    #679733 Reply

    Dyanne

    I am from Eastern Europe and guys are not so shy. If they like you they ask you out. It is true though that women are more active and we don’t have so many dating stages. Once you start meeting and having sex you’re assumed to be in a relationship. However, the same principles apply:if he’s not asking you out consistently, if he is flakey etc he only sees you as casual.
    This being said, I would wait for him to confirm the address till that morning or even noon of the event. It’s something normal, I don’t always confirm with friends until few hours before and that is socially accepted. But I wouldn’t keep initiating hangouts. Texting yes, maybe 30-40% (but I’m not a big texte anyway) but no hangouts at least for the next 2-3 meetings. If he really likes you, he will initiate, especially since you already told him this is what you like

    #679735 Reply

    Hannah

    He says he’s too shy to initiate meet-ups but he initiated one didn’t he? So he’s not too shy! Now he has to follow through.

    #679851 Reply

    Pat

    Amanda, Dyanne, Hannah, thanks for your replies.
    He didn’t confirm so i asked him and he told me that it had been cancelled and that’s why he said nothing. I was pissed but tried to sound as calm as possible letting him know that he should have said so earlier! He apologized and apologized and talked about different communication styles. We talked a bit more and towards the end of the conversation, he asked if we could meet over the weekend.
    BTW, we hang out from time to time (esp with other friends) but we have never had sex. He once asked about sex in relationships and i told him that I always preferred to wait and wait and wait before that happens 🙂

    #679866 Reply

    Hannah

    So he basically let you down. And again he’s shown he’s not to shy too ask you out as he’s asked you out again this weekend. If he doesn’t follow through on the weekend plans, it’s time to drop him. No man who really likes someone drops them twice in one week unless they’re going through a major crisis.

    #679894 Reply

    Amanda

    Wow this guy just sounds like a general DB. The event was cancelled and he thinks he doesn’t even have to let you know? Seriously?

    #680188 Reply

    Pat

    You ladies hit the nail on the head. He let me down. Again, we didn’t meet over the weekend cos he sent me a message saying that he was running late and asked if it was ok with me. I saw the message about an hour later and replied him that it was ok. he said, he was already close to his home. BUMMER. Again! If he needed a quick confirmation, he should have called and not just assume that i didn’t reply cos it wasn’t ok with me. I told him that.
    Now, i am practically done with this and plan to take a step back as his communication style is driving me a bit crazy!

    #680625 Reply

    Sarah

    Hi Pat,

    I hate to say it but this guy doesn’t seem that interested, i think you are making it way too easy for him and he doesn’t have to work for it, guys respect what they have to work for. If it were me i’d take 5 steps back and consider whether you really want someone who isn’t willing to even initiate to see you. If you decide you do – don’t initiate any conversation, mirror him (if he takes 3 hours to respond you take 3+) if he says “hey how are you?” don’t spill your beans…a simple “good and you?” will suffice. He needs to show you he wants you, a guy who wants a girl has no issue understanding this.

    You’re worth having someone pursue you girl, don’t settle for less than you’re worth.

    Good luck! x

    #680647 Reply

    Amanda

    Forget this guy. And remember in the future even supposedly shy guys who are interested will ask you out…

    #680665 Reply

    Pat

    Thanks Sarah and Amanda,
    I am def not chasing this anymore. Not keeping to his words and then apologizing is clearly a pattern for him. Now, he offered to help me learn Russian when he learnt that i was learning the language. He even advised that i watch movies in Russian and if i was ok with it, he would come over. I said sure. He gave Thursday or Friday as tentative days and promised to confirm on Monday. He still hasn’t and I am not surprised! He clearly has no follow-through! Not interested at all in pursuing this in any romantic way!
    Have a great day ladies!

    #680667 Reply

    Emma

    A guy from the military is shy to ask a woman he’s been hanging out with and talking on a date?I am suspecting he is taking you for a fool and playing games. LOL

    I can see how a guy, from any culture, can be shy approaching women, but you are already “hanging out” with him. What is there to be shy about?

    He did not tell you the event was cancelled? This is not “different communication style”. He is BS-ing you. I doubt there was an event in the first place. You were smart not to sleep with him, forget this douche, seriously.

    #680694 Reply

    Amanda

    Oh dear why did you give him another chance! At least you finally got it….

    #680733 Reply

    Emma

    @Amanda, women always try and try so hard, despite common sense, despite their gut feeling, despite clear neon signs…we want to believe in the goodness of things.

    But blind optimism is costly. LOL emotionally. One jerk can make you so frustrated that you wouldn’t want to date at all, after you’ve kept giving him chances, one after another. Instead, stop at the second chance. Cease all contact and refocus on guys who are not doing any weird things.

    Also use your common sense, how many shy military men have you seen? LOL I have heard, however, of many “games” those mili guys play, they “bait” women and pretend to be virgins, etc etc.

    #681039 Reply

    Pat

    Wow Emma, no need to be so harsh 🙁 I do use common sense a lot. In fact, i am a very logical and practical person. Sometimes, a bit too logical for my own good!
    In my previous posts, I already said i wasn’t interested anymore in pursuing this romantically. I really have no time or emotions to waste.

    Thank you again ladies for your inputs!!!

    #681043 Reply

    Shoshannah

    Just for future reference, as this case seems resolved – Eastern European women don’t take the lead. On the contrary, Eastern Europe is more traditional than for instance UK when it comes to dating and relatipnships, in the sense of gender divisions. So a girl is sweet and humbled, a boy can be aggressive which very much shows in dating too. Whatever is going with this guy, it’s not a cultural difference.

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