Closure


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This topic contains 18 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Jane 1 week, 5 days ago.

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  • #653746 Reply

    Jane

    I posted last week about a guy who flaked out on a trip we made plans to take. I decided I was done, he was obviously not showing consistent interest and was disrespecting my time. When I got back he told me he’d been sick and didn’t realize we had actual plans. That threw me off a bit even though it’s probably a lame excuse, he seemed sincere and I was willing to give him another chance, even though I was upset and confused. Later that day he told me he needed time to process our conversation, he just wanted to let me know. I asked how long and he said a day or two. I appreciated that he communicated his need for space and was trying to be thoughtful. He did get back to me in a couple of days to tell me he came to terms with everything and felt really bad about how he treated me and possibly hurting my feelings. It definitely sounded like a conciliatory message meant to reassure me, like he was taking things seriously and wanted to move forward with better communication. I told him I appreciated his saying so and it was ok, I’d made peace with it too and it was a misunderstanding. We chatted briefly about the day, seemed back to normal. This was last Tuesday. Since then nothing. At first I was both disgusted and relieved – I don’t think this relationship is going anywhere and this is probably the push I need to get over it, he’s proving once again that he’s flaky and immature and incapable of clear communication. But it’s left me so confused and unsettled. Why would he send me that last reassuring message only to disappear? I just want to understand so I can move on. At this point should I just leave it? I know closure is about me and not him, but is it worth asking for some clarification?

    #653748 Reply

    Amanda

    Why? Because he is flaky and immature and not ready for a relationship. Do not ask for closure. Do not give him that satisfaction. Just send him a text clearly stating it is over and why, and make it clear there is no room for argument. This will be your closure.

    #653751 Reply

    Paige

    Stop giving him chances. He’s a loser.

    #653753 Reply

    Robs

    The correct answer would be to accept that he is flaky and clearly not ready for a relationship with a mature woman like you. Or even BE the one to send the final “this is over” text.

    Personally, I’m not that brave and I’m a very emotionally charged person, so if I were you I’d probably consider one final text, maybe in a couple of days, just asking if it’s time to move on and if so, thanks for the past few weeks, it’s been fun, or whatever.

    That way you kind of are assuming it’s all over, but gives him opportunity to reply and say “wait… I didn’t want this to be over?” or something like that. Not saying he’d even reply, but personally I don’t think I could leave it without ever really finding that official closure.

    However, I know my advice is not the best advice, and the best advice comes from these strong ladies on this forum that are able to tell you to just move on and leave him alone!

    #653755 Reply

    Ollie

    Asking for clarification from him is nothing but full abdication of your self-esteem and boundaries. Don’t do it!

    Speaking to him about this ever again will only make you look like a whiny, insecure, and nag and it will make you feel like one too.

    #653757 Reply

    Jens

    Your first instinct was right – he was full of s***. Until you – and all ladies reading this take note – are willing to follow your instincts and walk away from someone who your gut says is playing you AS SOON AS YOU REALIZE IT and not keep giving benefit of the doubt on the tiny chance he’s for real, you will keep experiencing this. He only gave you the lame excuse to see if he could reel you back in. Guys like him absolutely hate it when they try to run their game and it doesn’t work. So they try again, not out of sincerity, but out of their ego need to know they had you as an option.

    Just drop him for good now and don’t do this again. He was sick and didn’t realize there were plans. What a laugh.

    #653759 Reply

    Jens

    I would NOT text him, I would just block. Guarantee he will pull the same crap all over again if you message him. You’ve decided you don’t want him. That’s all that matters. No need to say another word to him. It’s not ghosting, it’s getting rid of a player.

    #653790 Reply

    Jane

    My original plan was to send him a text after the trip simply saying I can’t do this anymore. Then I thought that seemed avoidant and immature, I should talk to him in person. Now I wish I’d just sent that text in the first place. To say it now seems melodramatic and moot, and also makes it obvious I’m still thinking about him. So I’m really struggling with how to make that statement – to myself, really – without confronting him. I’ve already erased all his contact info, but then I realized how easy it would be to find him in my call history. I’m also pretty sure I’ll hear something from him again at some point, so that’s keeping me a little stuck.

    #653795 Reply

    Jens

    So how long are you going to let him jerk you around? Of course you will hear from him again, because he knows you are an easy mark.

    You are making this too hard – “I’m done accepting substandard treatment from anyone for any reason, starting now.” Say that to yourself and mean it. Because you are worth more and deserve better and you only get it when you make the declaration and stick to it.

    Case in point. I found myself in a group yesterday with someone who says she needs reminders of meetings half an hour before the time because she’s so busy and has a way of forgetting. I said, so write it down, keep a day timer. She says, oh I just can’t, my life is so crazy. I said, then hire an assistant. She said, oh it would be OK if someone would just volunteer to remind me. I said, my time is valuable and I choose to reserve it for people who respect that time is valuable. Please remove me from this group. I know from experience that if I stay around people like that I will wind up picking up the slack for them when they flake out. At first everyone was like, wow Jens, that was a little harsh and I said, so you are all OK with babysitting her and having your time wasted? Guess what – she was told by the group leader that if she couldn’t make the meetings on time on her own steam it would be best if she left. She threw a temper tantrum, whined about it being unfair… and left.

    I love my life living this way. I don’t attract guys who jerk me around.

    Make sense? You can do it too. It’s just a simple decision.

    #653808 Reply

    Phillygirl

    JENS gets it. Each of us are responsible ONLY for ourselves. That’s how you ADULT!!!

    #653814 Reply

    Jens

    Thanks Philly. Even children won’t play with another child after a certain point who repeatedly treats them poorly!!

    If you won’t stand up for you, who do you think will? If you don’t like you and respect you, you will attract others who will not either. If someone treats you badly, is crazy or unreasonable, let it be their problem and just walk away and don’t look back and don’t waste time condemning them, because if they knew how to do something else better, they would.

    #653826 Reply

    Jane

    Agree with all about the flakiness and self respect. I don’t put up with that kind of treatment, but I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt that he was sick. Who knows, and the rest of his behavior is flaky regardless. So do you think his last message was his vague, cowardly, passive way of saying it’s over? Should I send him something just saying how I won’t put up with his behavior, please don’t contact me again, or totally leave it?

    #653827 Reply

    Jens

    Jane… JUST LEAVE IT. He’s jerking you around and it won’t change. Enough already. BLOCK him and forget about it or you’ll end up like “Marie”, hung up on a guy for years who doesn’t give a damn about her and won’t let go.

    #653829 Reply

    Phillygirl

    Let’s rephrase this as a question. How would a confident woman handle this?

    She would not allow anyone to waste one second of her time, and realize not responding IS a response. She walks away with her head held high and doesn’t look back.

    #653830 Reply

    L

    You want to reach out to a man who is ignoring you to tell him to leave you alone?

    #653831 Reply

    Jane

    Lol, definitely don’t want that! Thanks, Jens, and everyone for reminding me this guy is just a loser who doesn’t deserve another minute of my time!

    #653832 Reply

    alia

    His last message was about him. He wanted to feel better about himself, because the way you called him out basically, reminded him how lousy he is and how much he has to grow to participate in adult relationships. He may be busy and it may remind him how busy he is and that it is preventing him from having a love life. I am not saying this guy is incapable of growing, or is some kind of a loser, but not everyone has time or skills to be in a relationship. And people are lonely and sad because of it. I’d have compassion for him and for him at least trying to accept responsibility and communicate. But there is absolutely no reason for you to ever talk to him again. Move on, let it go. Make room for someone, who is ready.

    #653834 Reply

    Amz

    He prefers the “image” of himself (conciliatory) as opposed to the truth. His silence is the most truth you’ll get from him, he’s too cowardly to tell you any more than that… And the truth is he can’t be bothered to treat you decently.

    But the “image” he loves of himself is what he’ll tell himself he is whilst ignoring you. Move right along from this little boy!!!

    #653852 Reply

    Jane

    AMZ, I think that is totally spot on. I’d been thinking the same things, but that really helped me see it clearly, thank you.

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