Home › Forums › Did He Lose Interest? › Cancelled second date
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Steph.
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Frustrated
I met a man from eharmony on wed night. We had a nice time, but he seemed a little restrained. The conversation flowed well for over two hours and we had a lot in common. We did talk about exes, with me talking about mine for about 5 minutes. I framed so etching negative about my ex as a learning about who I want to be with… Saying kindness and liking people was important. I mention this because I wonder if this is a piece of what happened. Seriously, it was only 5 minutes and I know better, but he brought up exes first. Really beating myself up over it.
At the end of the date, I was a little surprised he suggested dinner the next week. I was pleased, but because he was a little restrained, I was not sure if he liked me. I did not think he disliked me, but his communication style was very strait forward and analytical.
Anyhow, I said, absolutely! I would love to.
Then I got home 20 minutes later:
9:30 pm Him: thanks for coming out. How about Friday or sat night?
9:45 pm me: You are most welcome, I had a really nice time :-). Saturday night, I have plans, but am free Friday!
8:00 am next day him: Let’s do Friday. Can we do early, right after work? I am working Saturday
9:15 am me: Absolutely! I will try my best not to lure you into a late night of debauchery ;-)
9:20 am him: Thanks. I will keep you to your word ;)
9:25 am me: I guess I will get to see that flat top after all! Looking forward to itHe volunteers once a month in the navy, which he had told me about in detail and about how he likes to be well rested for those days.
Anyhow, here is what happened. Friday day of (next day after our conversation)
3:45 him: Can we reschedule for next week. I am going to be at work until after six and have some things to do for navy tomarrow.
4:05 me: Sure. Good luck getting everything done!It is now Sunday morning, and I can’t help but feel like
A. He was just blowing me off because he thought about the date and decided he no longer wanted to go
B. I know he was at work all day yesterday and he knew I was out
C. I should have been warmer in my response with a … Talk soon or something else
D. I should have never mentioned my ex in any negative light, even briefly. But if that really bothered him, I tend to think he would have not asked me out at all again….Please help!
Janice
Sounded like you held your composure. You did well. Don’t dwell on what you might have or have not said.
It was a first date, people do restraint themselves on the first date or beyond. That’s why it’s call “feeling each other out.”
He probably did have something to do. OR he could be testing to see if you’re one of those crazy women who give him grief for canceling one date so just let him come to you. Obviously, watch his action-wait to see if he makes it up to you. If he doesn’t, it’s his loss. Move on.Frustrated
Thank you. Was my response warm enough? Was there any reason from my response for him to think I am that crazy woman?
Did he think I was too interested from my after date texts?
Frustrated
He had warned me that they are long days and he really likes to be prepared and ready to go. I know nothing about his responsibilities, but he said he had to be there at 7 and it is an hour drive…
I was surprised he even suggested it given all he had said about knowing he had a long day…
Frustrated
If he just wanted to cancel, why wouldn’t he just say… I have to cancel?
Lane
Hi Frustrated.
You really need to calm down and not get so worked up about men or dates. So what if he calls or not? Just think about dating as an EXPLORATION—meeting new people and not worrying about the outcome.
I have zero expectations as to whether there will be another date or not because I don’t put my life on hold or sit by the phone waiting for a man to call to schedule another or another. If he does cool, if not then NEXT.
LAgirl
Sweetie calm down. It was one date and you are reading way too much into everything.
You are already thinking ahead to the next date instead of living your life and meeting other men. You have to go into these things with no expectations. Otherwise you drive yourself crazy over analyzing every bit of the date and afterwards.
Relax and see if he comes back to you. You did nothing wrong, but if you continue to feel this stressed it will eventually come out as neediness.
You didn’t do anything wrong. If a man. Ones back or doesn’t it’s because it’s his choice.
Just because you like the man on the first date does not mean he will feel the same way. If you go into every date expecting that, you WILL get disappointed and hurt.
I’m not saying he didn’t enjoy spending time with you.. I’m saying reset your thinking. It was just one date.
His cancel seems to make sense, although if he knew he was so busy he could have not even offered up Friday as an option. In any event he was interested enough to ask. Sit tight and see if he comes back.
Frustrated
Lane,
While I appreciate the perspective of what you would do, I did like this guy. And I feel surprised and disappointed when a man asks me out (he does not need to do that if he is not interested), and then cancels without really engaging.
I also have zero expectations – unless the man asks me out. Then I expect that if he took the time to do that there sufficient interest to do it again. It is simply rude otherwise.
Also, just wanted to make sure I was coming off as warm, but not a pushover….
Diane
He is probably only borderline interested…
I know of a guy friend who was trying to chase a woman who went hot and cold on him… He was unsure if he could get her so he kept dating …. Whenever she is cold, he dated other woman… Whether she turns hot, he cancelled everything to be with her…
It might be what is happening in your case…
Frustrated
La,
Thank you. Again, my issue is not that I expected anything… Other than his follow through on what he suggested. I know even at the end of a date a man may says he will call and I don’t expect it then. I only expect when someone taks the time to schedule.
I have not reached out again, nor have I. I just want to make sure that there is enough room and warmth for a man to follow up. I feel like I gave him enough….
Frustrated
Diane, I odd not understand your analogy…
We have only been out once, and I have not been hot and cold.
As to borderline interested, then why ask me out and then follow up a half hour later? That makes not sense.
Frustrated
Btw, I grt that they might not like you after one date, but then why schedule another one? That is what does not make sense….
LAgirl
You did fine with your “warmth”,,, anything more would have come across as desperate.
Men do change their minds… As do women. There have been times when I accepted a date and then after thinking about it, simply cancelled out of lack of real interest.
I’m not saying he did this, but that is a possibility. As you said, men will promise to call and even set up dates and not follow thru, it can feel like an obligation OR it may feel right in the moment , but then the interest wains and he changes his mind.
With online dating there are unlimited options… It’s easy for a man to move on to the next… Women can do this too.
My point is that your rigid thinking in what men SHOULD do, is creating you unnecessary angst.
See how it plays out… But try not to get so invested emotionally after only one date. These men owe you nothing, in reality, and it’s very common to cancel dates and even to disappear or fade after even 10 dates…
I hope things work out the way you would like them to… I would just suggest being calm and waiting to see what happens. If he ever cancelled twice.. Then I would for sure move on. That is disrespectful.
I’m also surprised he did not reschedule a day next week. Usually a cancel/postpone warrants an alternative .. In this case he left it open.
Diane
This guy I was telling you about cancelled a number of times with other women that he was dating everytime his dream girl turn hot on him again…
He literally cancelled twice on a woman that he was border lined interested ..
Lane
Why is it so disappointing to you? Sorry, but your attitude is a buzz kill and if you keep making all about how YOU feel or what you THINK someone should or shouldn’t do then you are going to struggle in both dating and relationships.
He initially BELIEVED he could see you on Friday, but then the REALITY of trying to see you and be prepared for his impending military requirement which was scheduled before he met you, was too much. You’re totally overreacting here, and if it bothers you this much then you just say “I’m not wasting another minute on this guy” and move onto one who doesn’t irk you so much.
If he does call back and reschedule, I think your attitude will eventually turn him off at some point.
Frustrated
I will wait it out. If he is interested, I am guessing he did not suggest another specific night because he was literally in the middle of work when he texted me and just getting the date off his plate so he could be focused on what he needed to be. Or he is not. Nothing I can do about it now.
As to owing, I get that no one owes me anything, I but I think it is sad that so few people feel their word means anything. I keep my word, and I do not take actions without being committed to outcomes. Just because it is common does not make it anything other than bad manners. Not sure he is there yet, but if he ghosts then he falls into that category.
As to disappointment. It is unreasonable to think that people should not be disappointed when people cancel. That is a totally normal human responce.
I have no thoughts on what a person should do, other than follow through on things they set in motion. That is called common courtesy. And we’ll see if he has that. If not, I am better off anyhow…
Janice
Frustrated-
I completely understand where you are coming from about being frustrated because you like someone and possibly he might not be as interested in you as you are in him. That’s ok because you will go through that some day when you are not into a guy and he is into you.
I came in here a couple months ago because I was in a similar situation. I went out with this guy who initially asked me out but I had another date set up already. I of course turned him down but he asked for another day so I gave him a week later date. We went to the driving range in his brand new corvette 2014 convertible. Then he took me to dinner and we hung out for an hour after (4hours)date. We had a fantastic time laughing and teasing each other about golf swings. When we said goodbye, I went to give him a hug and thanked him for a lovely evening. He surprised me by grabbing me and kissed me (no tongue) 3 times. Then after a few steps, I hugged him again. He then repeated the same move. I didnt know about the dating rules that time so I came home and waited for him to call. He texted me 24 hours later and asked how I was doing. We continued to call/communicated for 4 days after. Then all of sudden, disappeared. I never heard from him for a week so I texted him one time wishing him a nice weekend. I never got a response. It took me a couple weeks in which during that time I thought there might be something wrong with me or something I did that turned him away. To be honest, I cannot think of any reasons at all. I still think about him a lot because I truly felt we had so much in common even communication style. It frustrated to the point I wanted to cry. I went out on a lot of dates since then and found that more guys like me than I like them. Some I had to block from my phone for excessive texting/calling but I was not interested and did not want to lead them on.
So, I came in here and the girls really opened up my eyes (Lane/Kate and few others). They are blunt but that’s what I needed to hear. No sugar coating things. He might be looking for something different which is not a bad thing. If you embrace everything you love about yourself and he does not see that then it’s their loss. Go pamper yourself, work out and set up dates.
Kate
Janice :-)
Remember how we talk about daters running game? Just pretend this military guy did that to see what kind of girl you are (yes, maybe he just changed his mind or was busy with work) but hear me out. At this point he screwed over your Friday plans (semi-last minute) now even if you really stayed home you gotta play it cool if he contacts you again. He might be looking to see if you do the ‘typical girl thing’ and kiss his butt afterward.. don’t do it (then he’ll dish out more disrespect since you ate up the first serving) Don’t act too excited to hear from him either (if you do hear from him). If the tables were turned and you were the nice guy that was cancelled out on and then super nice afterward you’d lose respect right? Now he’s gotta MAKE you like him. If he wants to take you out it better be somewhere nice/quality! He’s gotta make it up to you. Don’t flirt too much in text or phone.. now is when you don’t want to be too warm! You don’t want to act too mad or affected either. Almost like you didn’t notice him you were too busy moving on. Then he’d be more impressed like..this chic is cool she has a life.., we broke plans SHE WENT OUT ANYWAY does she still like me or did I blow my chance? So you turn the tables on him with your game recipe.. a healthy dash of indifference.Janice
Kate-
You meant to address to “Frustrated.” I am good for now :)Kate
Oops, my mess up.. I thought it was you.. but yes! I stand corrected…Dear Frustrated, (see above)
Janice
I did mention you in my the above post!!
Janice
lol….in the above post*
Kate
Janice,
I guess I mis-read.. I thought you started the post and then changed the name to frustrated, but I’m half dead right now after work..brain isn’t working optimally at the moment.Ali
It’s so easy to over analyze and try to guess what a guy is thinking as to if you did something wrong or if he’s really just busy. You’ll drive yourself crazy! I read an article on here that will make your life so much easier… It’s hard to implement due to our tendenancies toward being negative and insecure but give it some practice and really work on it… What if you just assumed he liked you and that he was really just being honest about being busy? Wouldn’t live just be so much easier? You wouldn’t have the nagging worrying thoughts and instead you could just continue to live your life knowing that he’ll reschedule for next week because you’re awesome and he liked you.
Like I said it’s hard to implement! And of course you should continue to date and talk to other guys. But the insecure wondering thoughts and overanalyzing are so not worth it! Just trust that this guy liked you enough for a second date, got busy and wanted to be able to really enjoy his time with you so he cancelled and you’ll hear from him next week. Self fulfilling prophecy just you wait and see!
frustrated
Hi everyone! Thanks so much for all of your insite. I really need to work on my feeling my value in between dates and no matter what they do.
I love this guy as practice because he is a very unflowery direct communicator. So I will use this to feel good about myself as long as I show up my best. Which I did last week on the date, but not good when he canceled.
The update: He texted me at 8:30 on Monday asking to have dinner this week :-).
Him: Want to try dinner this week? I am available except for Wed night. Let me know. Hope you had a good weekend ;-)
Me: Hi there – happy monday! Dinner sounds great, how about friday?
Him: Sounds like a plan. See you then. Have a good week.
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