This topic contains 15 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by julie 9 months, 1 week ago.
September 8, 2017 at 11:35 am #652769
so i found out he was messaging another girl for about a month. he admitted to it and said it was a mistake she was someone to talk to when we wasn’t getting along. he told me he cut her off and has changed his number and has e an swore on a relatives grave that he would never do it again and that’s how serious he is so I gave him another chance because I love him but everyday I’m worrying if he’s talking to someone. we see each other at weekends so I’m constantly feeling this feeling in my stomach if he’s still doing it behind my back and I just want to move on from It and just be happy with him. he’s off social media and leaves his phone around and says check if you want and changed number ect but this feeling won’t go away I don’t want to lose him with my paranoia if he isn’t doing anything I just don’t know how to stop feeling like this. we have had loads of deep convos he’s apologised and said he was wrong and wants to be with me but when ever I see a WhatsApp symbol on his phone or hear a text my minds running what do I do?
September 8, 2017 at 1:43 pm #652780
T from NY
The only thing you can do if you want to stay in this relationship is work on YOU. Through therapy, exercise, meditation – whatever it takes to win back your peace. Because when you give someone another chance, you have to forgive them and move on, or the relationship is dead on the ground.
For me – I know myself. There is no way I would tolerate it. He didn’t just send a couple of inappropriate texts or respond in a flirty way to a girl who was prowling around him. He lied to you for a month and used another woman’s attentions to deal with stress from your relationship (if that’s even true). Its THE hardest thing to hear when you are hurting and when you’re in the middle of it, but trust is a fragile, beautiful thing that once broken is excruciatingly difficult to repair.
Wishing you the best.September 8, 2017 at 3:36 pm #652791
Trust, once broken is VERY difficult to repair, and sometimes the damage is irreparable.
I know my own boundaries and standards, and I resolved long ago that once someone intentionally and hurtfully breaks my trust, I may be able to forgive, but not forget.
I can not be with someone who I can not trust. Once you’ve shown me I can’t trust you, I find it very difficult to believe I can EVER trust you.
There are always exceptions. But one rule I made for myself and my peace of mind long ago…I will never stay with anyone who behaves in a way that is mistrustful, dishonest, intentionally cruel, or willfully extremely selfish on any ongoing basis. That means I DO NOT keep people in my life that make me feel bad about myself.
I would have walked away from him and closed that door. The only way I would have reconsidered is if he not only promised never to do it again (then again, he’s already shown he’s a liar and a cheat-his word is garbage, but he would have to re-earn my trust every single day until he proved he was trustworthy.
That means FULL transparency. I would have to have full access to all his devices, his passwords, and he’d have to be completely honest (and prove it) as far as where he is, who he is with, and what he is doing.
Honestly, just typing that is exhausting, the idea of having to track and monitor anyone is beyond distasteful to me. Who wants to have to be some guy’s mommy.
For me, fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. I don’t like wasting my time, heart, and energy on someone who has already shown how little they value that.September 8, 2017 at 7:11 pm #652820
You either have to totally forgive him and believe it will never happen again or you have to let him go.
Right now you are in limbo…you want to believe but just can’t.
That is ok. Really what you need to do is see if there is anything else that he has ever done that has walked on your trust. Turn over every rock…think hard about this.
If he has not then you may want to see this as a one time deal that you believe he will not do again. But, if your gut says there is more…in the present or the past then you may have to let him go.
For me, I would be gone.September 8, 2017 at 9:49 pm #652829
You have a little quarrel and he runs off and starts talking to some random girl and only quits when you catch him? What if you have some serious issues? What would he do then?
Base your future decisions on his willingness and real efforts to work on things and convince you that he can be trusted.September 12, 2017 at 5:31 pm #653578
yes we wasn’t getting on and he said she just happened to be there at the right time. we wasn’t getting on and she gave him an ego boost and was fimiler to talk to. it’s getting ridiculous now tho because my mind is constantly wondering. he’s got a new job and works with women here and j saw one the other day as I was waiting for him and he said hello to her and told me she’s a fitness fanatic and from Germany. she was pretty and I can’t help thinking he’s talking to her every time she walks through flirting. or he’s meeting her after work. even to a point now that I hate to argue with him.imcase he turns to another woman. i hate feeling like this and i know it’s me he has our profile pic up but every time he’s online I think he’s chatting to someone but he’s proved do far he’s doing nothing by leaving his phone around and changing his number ect I need to sort this out before I ruin the relationship.September 12, 2017 at 6:22 pm #653589
You have to end this. It’s always going to eat you alive.September 12, 2017 at 11:23 pm #653641
Christ is first
I am going to be completely honest with you here. This guy sounds like a rank individual who is vile and grievous. It is pathetic that he was talking to some other ho, and you should have rejected him right there. You are right not to trust him going forward after he betrayed you. Get rid of him and find someone who only talks to you.September 13, 2017 at 5:53 am #653666
A decent guy who loved you, would have tried to work through the problem with you. He would NOT contact another woman to talk!September 13, 2017 at 5:04 pm #653886
we spoke about it tonight and he said at first that I caused it to happen with the girl because of our arguments and then i got angry he then said he ment I was a factor of it happening. it has really upset me he actually believes that. he also said that when we have argued in the past it’s been my fault I’ve caused them and when he’s called it off I’ve come back because of guilt this has hurt me because that wasn’t the case it was through love that I wanted to try again but he believes this. I don’t know what to doSeptember 13, 2017 at 5:10 pm #653889
This is NOT going to work. Are you going to wait for hin to cheat again? His reactions show he will.
Or are you going to take ownership of your own happiness, and leave him before your self esteem is in the toilet?September 13, 2017 at 7:21 pm #653917
It’s way past time to dump this guy!September 13, 2017 at 7:33 pm #653920
“he admitted to it and said it was a mistake she was someone to talk to when we wasn’t getting along.”
“we wasn’t getting on and she gave him an ego boost”
“he then said he meant I was a factor of it happening.”
Know that whenever you don’t get along–and there are always times people don’t get along–he will turn to other women and feel justified in doing so because the argument was somehow “your fault.”
He IS going to do this again because it’s who he is.September 13, 2017 at 9:14 pm #653933
You’re too insecure and he’s not serious about you. Time for you to move on. Jealousy is a huge waste of time and energy, and the truth is if a man is going to cheat, he’ll do it whether you worry about it or not. Try to focus your energy on boosting your self-esteem.September 14, 2017 at 2:46 am #653977
He has told you in his own words that every time things get a bit rough between you two he’ll find someone else to “talk” to.
Turning the blame onto you is classic cheater behaviour, please look up gas lighting and then finish the relationship. I don’t say that lightly as I don’t like giving that kind of advice, but I see nothing but a lifetime of worry ahead for you if you stay with him amd allow thisSeptember 14, 2017 at 3:35 am #653980
The hidden power a woman has is her gut instinct, if its telling you – do not trust – listen to it!