Can a guy really be 'too busy' ?


Home Forums Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals Can a guy really be 'too busy' ?

This topic contains 37 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Vey 1 month, 4 weeks ago.

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  • #627881 Reply

    Melissa

    Hi everyone,

    so about 2 months ago I met this guy where we really hit it off and he took me out on a date which was then followed by me meeting his friends which all expressed how they really liked me as opposed to his ex that he recently broke up with shortly before meeting me. We texted almost everyday and he would invite me to come over to see each other and hang out at his place 2-3x a week and also allow my friends to come over to hang out whenever they felt like it too. He was super sweet and would always ask me how my day is. We also had conversations such as about his past (which was pretty rough from what he told me) and would tell me how he is afraid for future prospects due to it being pretty abusive however he would express how he really likes me. He has all the qualities and traits that I look for in a man however…

    In addition to this, he is super busy working sometimes 60+ hours in a week with a side job that calls him in every now and then for help. So hanging out is usually according to when he is free which I am fine with. The last time we hung out though, which is now a month ago he did tell me about how his other job is temporarily one person short and thus his boss was going to be needing him a lot more. Since then we still texted normally however he became more short and at one point didnt text me for a couple of days and then one day after talking for a bit I had expressed how I was a bit upset at how busy he was but I wasn’t gonna complain because I thought he was worth it (but i guess in a way i kind of was complaining) he didnt respond to me for days to which i then sent him another text asking him if whatever was going on between us is now over and apologizing for being emotional. He finally then responded saying he didnt want to come home to a text like that and that’s why he didnt respond initially, and that hes just ‘busy for now’ he then continued to say that he does enjoy hanging out with me but sometimes cant due to his schedule and thus it is up to me. Which I then responded to and he went ghost on me again.. I waited longer this time to shoot a text asking him how he has been and he responded again asking me how my new job is and how i have been as well. I responded to which he then again hasn’t responded to yet. I can see that hes been active on facebook at times and thus i have to ask can someone really be so busy that they can go days without texting and act like this? I know some others can argue this and honestly I just need to hear your opinions on what I should do because I dont wanna send another emotional text as to what is going on here and just push him further??

    P.S. Another piece of information that I am aware of is that in three of his past relationships they didn’t work out because either one or the other was too busy and his most recent relationship apparently she would complain about how busy he would be especially with the addition of his extra job…

    #627883 Reply

    Kitty

    Mostly no – people make time for what is important to them. But in some cases, with men who are working crazy hours, yes they are genuinely too busy to make time for a proper relationship.

    #627884 Reply

    Kitty

    It’s all about their value system. And men get their self esteem from their work and earning money.

    #627886 Reply

    Brie

    People put the time and effort into their priorities … point blank. If he isn’t texting you or working through these issues with you, he just doesn’t want too, because he realized he doesn’t feel that way about you. It took me years to figure this out, so don’t punish yourself – this is most men’s way of saying “sorry, but I don’t like you like that.”

    #627889 Reply

    Rach

    he’s either really busy or met someone else and is waiting for you and him to fizzle out. if i was you id forget about him and talk to others instead. when a guy knows your available to him whenever they want, they loose interest. men like to chase women. if you don’t text him at all, he will think about you after a while and reach out. maybe not straight away but in a week or two. you may like him but do you really see a future with someone who you never see

    #627893 Reply

    Kells

    Yeah this scenario honestly sounds like he’s not interested in you anymore. If he were, he would definitely make time for you in some way shape or form. I would let this one go. He will probably eventually reach out to you but I would not take the bait on that one. If you want to in fact give him the time of day when he does – give him a taste of what he does you and not respond back days at a time with little substance. He will get the point.

    #627899 Reply

    Hannah

    He’s only taken you for 1 date and then you’ve hung out at his home when it was convenient for him. That’s a FWB at best. Then you get emotional with someone who’s given you nothing and you are surprised he’s backed off?

    He wants you as some convenient fun. I bet if you talked to him you’d find out he’s going out and doing things when he’s not so busy that don’t include you.

    This is definitely a case of “he’s not that into you” I’m afraid.

    #627967 Reply

    melissa

    do you guys suggest I send a long text saying something along the lines of, ‘if you arent interested in me anymore then why don’t you just say it instead of stringing me along like this’ kind of giving him a piece of my mind that I am not stupid and know something is up

    or is that giving him the satisfaction? should i really just leave it and never text him again?

    #627970 Reply

    Lane

    Absolutely on can be ‘too busy’ to be or want a relationship but it doesn’t mean they don’t want a companion when it suits them and if a woman is going to lower her self to them, then she needs to ACCEPT that’s how it will be with him!

    I put in over 80+ hours a week and I simply don’t have TIME for full-on relationship. My business is my priority and if a guy can ACCEPT that and be totally cool with the minimal about of time I can spend with him, then that’s on him, not me because I am UPFRONT and HONEST with them so they can’t complain about it.

    listen this guy has loads of baggage and is ‘too busy’. Stop wasting your time with ‘time waster’s because it becomes a bad habit and you will continue to attract these kinds of losers.

    #627972 Reply

    Carla

    Sorry to hijack this thread-

    Lane-is there a way to know when your dealing with someone in your situation vs a guy like this?

    I was thinking one way to tell would be by observing effort and quality the guys puts in. I.e. Proper dates, working through the issue vs brushing them off, etc

    #627975 Reply

    Lane

    I DO make time, but it is limited because of my obligations. If a man is OK with that and still wants to stick it out and I really like him, cool, but if there’s any neediness or insecurities then I will drop them like a hot potatoe because I simply don’t have the energy to deal with it.

    If a man is consistent in his communication, consistent in setting up dates when he knows I’m available, consistent in telling me how much wants to be and the time were together is fun and enjoyable over several months—then I will do my best to spend as much quality time as I can to maintain it. If its starts becoming a chore, he’s gone!

    #627976 Reply

    Melissa

    Hi Lane,

    I really appreciate your input..

    as you were saying I should drop this guy because he is a time waster?
    I suppose like Carla I am wondering what differentiates him from the situation you are in…

    he has given me SOME information ex. the fact that the other job is one person short which is why hes been so busy because hes told me he’s been somedays working the double shift so working over 15 hours in a day not to mention has his own house and other things to take care of when hes not working..

    I have also made it very aware to him that i understand how busy he is and am willing to accept it because the times we were together in person were so much fun and enjoyable and he gives me his full attention together..

    #627977 Reply

    Amy

    @OP – This guy isn’t interested. Don’t reach out to him again, and I would brush him off or politely tell him you’re not interested if he contacts you again.

    #627978 Reply

    Lane

    What I’m basically saying is a man will put in effort if he wants to be with you, although it may not be a lot if he is a really busy guy, the TIME he is able to spare is of a HIGHER QUALITY by going out and enjoying each others company doing different activities (dinner, dancing. bowling, local event v. hanging out and netflixing.

    #627979 Reply

    Melissa

    thank you everyone..

    I guess I am just really upset at how something I thought that was going so perfectly from the moment we met and how it all happened was just how I imagined meeting a guy that I would want to date.
    He did and said all the right things (from him saying how he would take me to meet his dad and spending time in the future together such as the summer) and sometimes I really did feel it when he said he really liked me and how he looked at me when we were together.. but I guess adding sex into the mix can also be really blinding.

    I feel like a really stupid girl for falling for it all but its a great thing now to finally have clarification

    #627981 Reply

    Carla

    Thanks so much Lane! That was super helpful.

    OP: I’m not sure of the answer to your situation but I am kind of going through something a bit similar that I posted about before, maybe that would help you?

    For me, everything was going great but then the guy’s work became ridiculous, non stop working and traveling and it was really stressful for him. He did keep me in the loop and would update me. He also did exactly what Lane said, everything was of high quality. I asked him if he wanted to continue, and he talked through the issues with me and explained everything. Gave me a timeline and updated me when it changed. I also asked him soon into dating what he was dating for, and he was open to a relationship and this wasn’t casual-maybe it would be helpful if you got clear on that.

    The posters here told me to pull back and put a time limit on this-so I’m doing that and letting him initiate 100% and just observing. I’m not sure of the outcome of my situation, but I think it’s a good way to let the guy show his interest and to see if things will go back to normal once work dies down.

    Sorry to talk about myself, thought I’d share in case seeing another example would help you know how you feel about this. Because it was very confusing for me at the time haha. Please keep us updated, good luck!

    #627983 Reply

    Melissa

    Well in the beginning we did establish our thoughts and morals on cheating/fwb and he had expressed how he thought similar to me on how cheating is the worst thing someone could do and how he has been through that as well as how he agreed with me that he couldn’t do fwb because he too would be attached and i openly expressed how that was not what I was looking for.

    we also did establish that we were seeing only each other ‘exclusively’ towards the end of the month so he did tell me how he is not seeing anyone else and that he wouldnt even have the ‘time’ to do something like that.

    in terms of updates, as i mentioned he sometimes keeps me informed however he tells me more in person as opposed to text in terms of upcoming things in his schedule/what hes doing. but as of lately.. clearly not so much.
    but i have decided that letting go and not talking to him first and just deciding to move on is my best bet..and i guess i will deal with it in the future if he does decide to initiate contact again.. ?

    #628023 Reply

    Polie

    Lane are you married ? I assume so because on your pic you look quite old….

    You talk of the guys you date as if they were disposable goods…. Not humans.

    @Mélissa if I were you I would forget about that guy and date someone else.

    #628025 Reply

    Polie

    Melissa keep in mind that you are not a pet.

    If he is too busy, well. Adios

    #628049 Reply

    Lane

    No, I am divorced, and yes I am a seasoned veteran in dating, marriage and raising kids too, as mine are now adults, both male btw, so I know how men operate.

    And no I don’t treat men as disposable goods, I tell them UPFRONT where I’m at and if they don’t want to LISTEN, like so many woman on here do with the men they are dating, then that’s on them. I simply do not have the time or energy to deal with drama, and if a man is going to get snippy or angry because of my limited time then I let them go so they can find a woman who’s more in line with their wants and needs—it really is that simple!

    #628050 Reply

    Polie

    Ok Lane. I see.

    You are right people do not listen sometimes. And I think your honest and straightforward approach is actually the best one.

    Usually men are not that upfront. They are vague, shady, hypocritical and so on. Manipulative sometimes because they want to get in the women’s pants. Thats why so many women are confused.

    #628086 Reply

    Lane

    This is why woman need to know who their competition is by learning how to THINK LIKE A MAN.

    Men want sex, and woman want a relationship. These are two competing objectives, whereas if he gets the sex first he wins, if you capture his heart, you win. If you can learn how to outplay, outwit and outlast your component then you will be far more successful than trying to sex him into something he never wanted with you from the get go.

    Men do not date to get into relationships like woman do, they date until they find the woman they WANT TO get into a relationship with. These men are consistent in both their WORDS & ACTIONS over many months—those who are full of flowery words and excuses with NO ACTION are not. The moment a man becomes flaky, you drop him from your roster, continue to date others while living your awesome single life until you meet the man who is clear, unambiguous, and consistently proving TO YOU that you are the only woman in the entire world he wants to be with…until then, keep it moving.

    #628099 Reply

    Melissa

    Hi Ladies,

    Thank you so much for all your input. I am definitely going to move on and pursue others after all this. I’ve been left confused and lead on. As Lane said a man gets into your pants and that seems to be whats happened here. He said all the right things in the beginning which is what made me very hopeful for the future with the things he said however there was NO ACTION behind those words and in the end he left me with nothing.

    I need to do my best to move on and hopefully this feeling goes away with time..

    #628103 Reply

    Polie

    Don’t worry Melissa.

    Move on and ignore him.

    He will be back like many of them. But you wont have on second for him by that time.

    Winners don’t wait.

    #628104 Reply

    Polie

    *one second

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