Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › boyfriend keeps bringing up my ex…
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March 8, 2016 at 11:00 pm #513692Shannon
My current boyfriend keeps bringing up my ex. He will ask questions about what we used to do or how we handled bills and chores just simple things like that. But he always ends up getting mad if my answers aren’t negative. I’m sorry but I’m not going to lie just to make someone happy. He also constantly compares himself to my ex. It’s causing a major problem.
March 8, 2016 at 11:08 pm #513697Leigh
Red flag! How long have you 2 been together?
March 8, 2016 at 11:24 pm #513707Shannon
We have been together almost a year.
March 8, 2016 at 11:35 pm #513709Shanaya
I suggest you sit down with him and have a calm chat as to how this bothers you. Most successful relationships have 2 things in common: trust and respect. I think he is insecure and hence he does this but does not realize how negative an impact it has. There is nothing that a little effort a long ‘heart to heart’ conversation can’t solve.
March 8, 2016 at 11:54 pm #513723Em
Shannon
He sounds extremely insecure. People like this tend to be lacking an important need in their life, so they try to feed it in an unhealthy way. Keeping score with an imaginary rival like your ex is an unhealthy way of feeding an unmet need.
Shanaya recommends a conversation, which at least gives him an opportunity to check himself. But you may have to walk from the relationship and give him a chance to sort himself out…he won’t be capable of sharing much if he’s keeping score.
March 8, 2016 at 11:59 pm #513727Raven
Move on…
March 9, 2016 at 2:16 pm #513920Paige
He sounds threatened. And it’s not your job to babysit his ego. He has some internal stuff to work on and you may have to be gone in order for him to do that.
March 9, 2016 at 2:56 pm #513925Van1962
Yep, insecurity. I would suggest as another post mentioned, let him know that it bothers you to discuss your past relationships, and that you would rather leave the past in the past and focus on future occurrences. Inform him that you are a forward thinker and a forward mover and you would appreciate it if he would come aboard and the two of you follow the same path TOGETHER…making your own memories. :-)
March 9, 2016 at 4:10 pm #513940Amy
I agree with the posters who told you to move on. Your boyfriend is insecure, and talking about it isn’t going to change the facts. He needs to build confidence on his own; a man who isn’t secure in himself is not ready for a relationship.
March 9, 2016 at 4:22 pm #513946Lucy
A year of this? Stick a fork in my eye…
March 9, 2016 at 5:29 pm #513971caetru
Yes, he definitely has insecurities. It seems that he wants you to tell him that he is better and you care for him more than your ex. What’s odd to me is that he brings it on himself by bringing up your ex. Are you still friends with your ex? Do you talk to and about him frequently? Make sure that you’re not inadvertently giving him reason feel insecure.
Sit down and talk with him, let him know that it bothers you. Also make sure that you are not talking about your ex yourself. Reassure him that he is the one you want to be with and the one that you care about. You don’t need to talk about your ex negatively, but you do need to talk to your boyfriend positively
If he continues after your discussion, than it’s something that he’s going to have to workout for himself.
December 7, 2016 at 2:59 pm #583222pash
I read this post and its very familiar with my situation my husband does the same thing and he wont stop I have asked him to stop but he don’t care how I feel this has been going on for 2years maybe longer I don’t have anyone to talk to about ally this so here I am …
December 7, 2016 at 4:02 pm #583233T from NY
Whats important to consider is how good of a boyfriend is he otherwise? If in most other areas you are happy – compataible, he makes you laugh, is consistent, is encouraging, the sex is good, he makes you want to be a better person, you admire him as a human, you have similar visions for the future – I wouldn’t just “move on” because he has insecurities. Gawd half the women on this forum have insecurities that interfere in some degree or another with their relationships or potential relationship or their state of mind!
Whats also important is if he listens to you when you sit him down and tell him how you are feeling – reassuring him that you love him and want the relationship to work – but that the situation has gotten so serious it makes you worried you can continue. Ask him for a concrete plan of how he plans to tackle this issue. Ask him for phrases or words you can say back to him when he begins to “go there” about your ex. Tell him that you would like him to make a plan that works for him, but that if it doesn’t yield improvement you may ask him to go to therapy.
A relationship will always have struggles and you have to weigh the good against the bad. If it is overall healthy and he just has attachment issues about his intimate partner it may be worth salvaging. Only you will know. Good luck
December 15, 2016 at 12:28 am #585360leah
Giving up is not always a solution. ..
I would advice u to tall to him abt it tell him how it makes u feel when he keep bring upthe past . …
If he ccan’t accept ur then he don’t deserve to be in your future. …December 15, 2016 at 6:41 am #585369Eagle
You wrote “I’m sorry but I’m not going to lie to make someone else happy.”. How rude. A sensitive and empathetic and polite and considerate lady would minimize what was good about their ex, give him a hug, make eye contact and change the subject to his fabulous self. Thats called GIVING!
He asks you about your ex knowing your reaction will be to answer with the truth because you are so self centered that you love talking about yourself and don’t have the self control or emotional maturity to shut up.
April 10, 2017 at 11:20 pm #618411Mia
Giving up is not always a solution! Maybe he bringing up sorting questions because he loves you and want u to tell him how much u Carr and love him and he’s better than ur ex. Some guys love to bring up ladies past to offend them I’ve come across some classmates like that tbh but I told them and this is an advice as well “you’re not supposed to bring up the person u love ex cause u just reminding them what it was with that person when all you supposed to do is remind and show that person what it is with u”. So what u can do is sit and talk to your boyfriend tell him how much it bothers u when he bring up ur past because u don’t live there anymore and all u see is him, marrying u and having children’s together, u have to let ur guy know every time he wanna bring ur past up how much greater and wonderful he is than your ex cause guyz love to hear that from their girl. In times he will forget it about and he will only focus on the future with u and not the past. Just don’t give up remember that’s not a solution. I saw some other post where u people advice was to “give up” why give up on petty stuffs? Who says relationships was going to be easy? Who say there won’t be insecurity, jealousy, trust issues,fights and heated arguments? There will be times u will feel to give up but remember god didn’t make anyone perfect and he didn’t say u will find someone that have perfection but he did say u will find someone that’s perfect for u. So stay focus DONT GIVE UP!! NO RELATIONSHIP IS PERFECT AND NO ONE EVER SAY IT WILL BE EASY!
April 10, 2017 at 11:39 pm #618413Raven
Why the compulsion to dig up & rehash this crap??
April 11, 2017 at 2:16 am #618418Anon
My bf is doing similar. He keeps bringing up an FWB i had before i met him. Each time he brings it up he promises he wont mention it again…guess what..last nite we were having a good laugh and BAM for no reason it gets brought up again :(
April 11, 2017 at 6:13 am #618431Prairiegirl
Do you speak about your ex? Maybe your boyfriend is feeling like he’s being unfavourably compared to him and is lashing out.
You both need to speak to each about about this in a calm and loving way. It would be such a shame if you let the ex “win”.
September 11, 2017 at 4:08 pm #653326Mandy
I’m in the same situation . My boyfriend feels that I’m not giving him enough attention and is threatened by my ex been together for a month and recently he always mentions his name in our convos . I really don’t know what to say to say to him. I told him I’m not yet ready for sex and he was saying I’m only refusing because he’s not my ex, if i could sleep with my ex then why i can’t do it with him?? but i really feel it’s too early as I’m still getting to know him
September 11, 2017 at 4:47 pm #653331Raven
Mandy, your BF of one month is a manipulative jerk!
Please dump him NOW!
September 11, 2017 at 5:21 pm #653334Anon
Dump that jerk Mandy
He tries to manipulate you to sex
Imagine he is your husband… you will hear all your ex names.Abusive…
November 18, 2017 at 4:26 pm #667645Nancy
Oh boy, my husband has been doing this to me since we met. He will not let my x out of our lives. And guess what….we have been together for 39 YEA
March 29, 2020 at 8:33 am #788423Samantha Hymes
I am in a current relationship with a man that I was pregnant by and he ended up moving away to Kentucky for a while and then he moved back. In the meantime I had a friend in New York City. He ended up coming to where I was at and my boyfriend and I were not on talking terms. I know that I should have never let this guy come here. So my boyfriend ended up talking to me again and decided that he wanted to cone back home. So he explained to me that he was on his was home and the whole time I never told him that I had a guy friend living with me. So he ended up coming home and saw that there was another guy here. He got jealous and mad. Now we are together as a couple he is always mentioning my ex friends name and calling me his name. I just need some advise on what I should do. Anyone please help me with advice.
March 30, 2020 at 5:48 pm #788505ANM StaffKeymasterHi Samantha – Thanks for sharing your question with the community!
The thread you are replying to is over 4 years old at this point. Our community tends not to respond to threads that are so old. You’re welcome to copy and paste your post into a fresh new thread – I’m sure the community will offer advice there. Thanks, best wishes!
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