Boyfriend had sex while we were separated


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  • #695704 Reply
    Dawn

    My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 1/2 years and in October we broke up because of issues we believed were irreversible at the time. We were apart for 4 weeks. During that time he kept contacting ME telling me he missed me and loved me and was keeping the door open for us. I saw him once during the break up and he looked awful like a shell of a man. His eyes were all red and he was just a mess. He said it was because he was miserable without me. We had dinner and sex that night and I went home and didn’t see him again until that 4 week mark when we decided to get back together. We have been together the whole time but recently had a big fight. I found out he slept with someone and I thought it was before the break up. I didn’t want to mention it because we just got back together and were working things out. I believed we should have a clean slate and just start over with no past issues so I kept quiet, but it ate at me. So he got mad at me for something and I blurted out he was a cheater and it all came out like a tidal wave. All the hurt and anger, everything. Come to find out it was during our separation he has a dated email to prove it. He said it wasn’t planned. He doesn’t have any friends in the area because he was in the military and they are all scattered around the US. He’s known this one woman for years who lives in his town. He called her to discuss his sadness and she said let’s meet up. So they did and went out to dinner. That was it. Then she called again and that’s when she went to his house and it happened. He said it was unexpected and awful and fast and he was more miserable during and after it, and it wasn’t even in his bed it was in the garage, he has a fixed up garage with an inflatable bed and a kitchenette for guests. He showed me an email he wrote telling her it was too soon and too uncomfortable and it could never happen again. He hasn’t seen her since and told me he never will again. He said the grass definitely wasn’t greener and he realized it so much being with her. So now I am left with this. It just happened so fast within 4 weeks while he was professing his love to me and saying he wanted to leave things open for us. I felt like the dust hadn’t even settled with us before he had sex. He said he was just looking for advice and comfort because he was miserable not sex. He said I had my family and friends and tons of support and he had no one so he sought someone out. He said me being gone left a hole in his life and it was awful. I am trying to let it go and move forward but I can’t help thinking he broke up with me to see if the grass was greener. It also bothers me that he did it so fast while giving me hope we would be back together. Right now tensions are high between us. Should I let this go? We did let everything out. It’s just hard picturing him with anyone and the circumstances. Any advice is welcome and thank you!

    #695707 Reply
    Hannah

    Let it go. He was a free agent. You were broken up. He didn’t do anything wrong and you could have done the same if you had wanted to. You chose not to, that’s the only difference.

    You can be miserable and want someone back but still date or have sex with someone. It’s the definition of rebound.

    I find it bizarre you accepted him back when you thought he’d cheated but are finding it hard to accept he didn’t. Why would you not bring this up at the time you got back together?

    #695711 Reply
    Dawn

    I accepted him back because we had problems that we both contributed to. I wanted a clean slate and so did he. So we promised to put the past behind us. I was trying to do that and I believed he may have cheated because of our issues so I wanted to let it go. I felt if we were going to make a real go at it this time I should let everything go. BIG mistake. My feelings got worse as time went on and I began to not trust him. I’m still upset because it felt like he left to see if the grass was greener. Idk. I am still also upset because he had sex with me during this time and kept giving me hope that everything would work out. I definitely could have had sex. I had 2 opportunities I passed up. I passed it up because of him and telling me the door was open for us. If the door was open and we both were willing why would I go have sex with someone else? Why would he? That’s what bothers me.

    #695714 Reply
    redcurleysue

    You can love someone and have empty sex with someone else. So, what do you want from him? Do you want him to not be human? And by the way, he was a free man to do as he pleased…he did not cheat on you.

    Look, either you can see he owed you nothing or you cannot. If you cannot then let him go to find happiness elsewhere.

    He owed you nothing, nothing at all at that point.

    #695715 Reply
    Lane

    I’m confused here. You ACCUSED him of being a cheater when he wasn’t cheating and instead of APOLOGIZING and accepting you were both FREE to date or see others during the time it happened, you want to act like a ball buster and make him suffer more when he was suffering the most???

    What you did is passive-aggresive and fight dirty IMO. What were the ISSUES that led to the initial break up? It sounds like neither of you have done any introspect or worked on any of the issues and dragging the same baggage back in.

    #695721 Reply
    Ali

    I understand this is a very tough pill to swallow. Been there. He was single though. Personally, I feel he should have told you before you guys got back together. My BF and I were split up for 9 months and he had a hook up he really regretted during that time (wasn’t emotionally ready for it). I also slept with a man I briefly dated (and felt terrible about it because I was still in love with him). We talked about it prior to getting back together. It was a miserable thing to have to discuss but we both wanted to be honest so we could make a decision knowing this was the case– even though neither of us did anything “wrong”.

    It was rough. We had to both come to terms with it, but we did and moved forward knowing we’d both been honest.

    If he hadn’t told me and I later found out I think it would have hurt much worse.

    #695724 Reply
    Khadija

    I think you two should have had an honest discussion like the one Ali had.

    Now you are left hurting and not trusting that man.

    My suggestion is you need to let this go or let him go.

    Quite frankly it doesn’t sound like you two have tackled any of the issues that caused the break up.

    Many people simply get back together because they miss each other but, never resolve their issues.

    I think now is a good time to work on them, if not this relationship will not last.

    #695747 Reply
    Emma

    “I found out he slept with someone and I thought it was before the break up. I didn’t want to mention it because we just got back together and were working things out. I believed we should have a clean slate and just start over with no past issues so I kept quiet, but it ate at me.”

    You thought he actually cheated on you and you did nothing about it it? How can you possibly think it would be a “clean” slate if you think that?? A clean slate means good feelings, renewed trust and desire to work things out. Not hidden resentment about something as important as this.

    There is also an inconsistency. You said you broke up at the beginning and it is sort of is implied that by a mutual agreement. But then you said “he broke up with me”.

    You were apart for 4 weeks, during which time you had sex with him, and he had sex with that woman. And then you got back together at the end of those 4 weeks. So how much time were you REALLY apart? 2 weeks? During all this time he was feeding you love and hope.

    Did you have an agreement that you’d get back together after 4 weeks? was it a period at which you’d reevaluate the decision to breakup?

    If you agreed to reevaluate things at 4 weeks then he was not a free agent. Neither were you.

    Then, you said you found out he slept with someone. how did you find out? he didn’t tell you. He should have told you, you’d expect that, but he hasn’t. And it is quite clear why. Because really what he did was not much different than “regular” cheating, i.e. without a breakup.

    You are asking if you should let you go. But can you? Even if everyone tells you to let go, how can you just stop feeling conned? You kept wondering about the grass is greener on the other side. That he wanted to fool around while being on a quazi break-up with you, keeping you on a leash with promises and messages of love. And he succeeded! You passed on 2 opportunities. This is too bad actually because had you done what he did, you would have been able to see his point of view. You really can sleep with others while being in love with someone else. There is not much to sex without feelings. And yet men have to have it. They can’t feel normal without knowing that they’ve had this meaningless sex with at several women at least, 5-6 minimum..??, they feel half-men if they had only 1 or 2. Thank media for that. And yes, they would jeopardize and risk their relationships for that.

    So there is a 50/50 chance your guy could have wanted to go and play the field, thinking that he would then get back together with you after that. It is possible and it does happen quite often. The good thing is that even if he did think the grass may be greener, now he knows that it is not.

    There is also 50/50 chance that he didn’t and that everything just “happened”.

    Honestly I am included to believe the first option, with a sprinkle of “happen”. In other words, yes he did want to see about that grass, but he did not plan out everything, i.e. he did not calculate to keep you on a leash while trying to play the field. And that woman simply jumped at the opportunity. But he did invite her to his place, did he not? Or did she just show up?

    Whatever the story, I think you can safely believe one thing, now that he has checked the grass, he really wants to get back with you.

    it is good that you finally let everything out. Anger and accusations, it is cathartic and can help you start again if you decide to do it.

    Honestly I think you need to go and sleep with someone else. There is such thing as a “score keeping”, for a reason. Both sides need to be in each other’s shoes, to fully understand each other.

    Another thing you can try is to gather evidence, piece by piece that he did not try to con you intentionally. He wondered about the grass, but it is different from having a calculated plan. Did that woman really call him herself and he simply went along with it, or did he call her and invited her over?

    I think in situations where trust is an issue, intent matters the most. Not really what happened but what was intended before it happened.

    Unless you believe his intent was what he is saying it was, you won’t be able to let go. And this is what you want, to be able to let go and free yourself from all those thoughts so that you can love him again. I hope you find those proofs!

    #695891 Reply
    Dawn

    Thanks everyone for all the harsh comments and the well thought out advise. I took your advice and went talk to him. We had it all out. All the truths and what to do now. He explained that he wasn’t looking for sex. He said he was completely miserable and hurting and so alone he could barely stand it. He told me he actually turned to drinking, which I had noticed lots of bottles when we got back together in his recycle bin and he NEVER did that with me. He said when he left me he realized it was a HUGE mistake and it left a whole in him so deep he never believed how much it would hurt. He said I am his everything and he wanted me back. He told me the other woman was a HUGE mistake and one he regrets. He called her because he’s known her for a long time and she was the only one in the area and he has no other girl friends he can talk to and he said his military buddies are not people you can tell about this stuff. So they talked on the phone and he spilled his guts about me and his hurt to her. She suggested they get together and he said ok. They did dinner and talked and went home. She contacted him again and asked if she could stop by. He said ok. He didn’t even bring her in the house, only the garage. It ended in sex and he said it was quick and uncomfortable and he felt more miserable after. He emailed her to tell her this and he could never see her again. How do I know all this? He has the dated emails and showed me! He wanted to prove it all to me. After this talk we talked for hours and hours about our issues and came to some amazing agreements and understandings. He said I am his everything and he would not fight this hard for anyone unless his love was true. He wants to try hard to make us work. So I need to let this go as you all suggested and I need to trust him and work on making this the best relationship for both of us. Thanks!

    #695947 Reply
    Carrie

    You have zero reason not to trust this man. He was free, explained everything to you and was quite wonderful reading what you said.

    Just let it go. Put it in the past and move on with him. Let it be a clean slate for both of you. Most importantly he’s forgiven you for being so mean to him and explained it all to you. So you need to forget what he did and make amends.

    #695954 Reply
    Emma

    Sure Carrie, I’d like to see you “forget” your man sleeping with someone else when you were barely apart for 2 weeks.

    @Dawn, it seems to me that he is truthful. If you can let it go, then let it go. But let it go completely, do not bring it up at every fight you’d have in the future. I don’t think you can just jump into trusting someone, after things like that. Trust needs to grows with time. The good news is that you WANT to trust him.

    #696019 Reply
    Dawn

    @Carrie, I am trying to make a clean slate. What’s eating at me is he slept with me too during this period and kept telling me he wanted to keep the door open for us. I feel like he needed to go be with someone else, even though he says he was miserable and just wanted someone to talk to and wasn’t looking for sex, and I can’t shake this feeling. He told me being with her made him appreciate me so much more and the fact that the grass isn’t greener on the other side. He said I am the green grass. This is what makes me think he wanted to go see if someone was better and he would not have any issues with them. Well he found out she was awful and now he regrets it. This is my issue. But I am doing my best to move forward and forgive him. He agrees he was wrong and knows I need to forgive HIM!

    @Emma Thank you. Yes it is hard to just forget. This is reality not utopia where everything just falls back into place. You are correct. Yes I need to trust again because I really do feel he didn’t plan it, and wasn’t looking for sex, but I do believe he wanted to meet someone and see if the grass was greener. Once he found out how brown the grass was elsewhere he pushed even harder to get me back. HE’s fighting like a banshee. Now he knows so now I have to either forgive and forget or leave. I want to forgive him because there is tons of good. But the thought that he jumped at sex so fast after and with the person he did, she’s not exactly the salt of the earth so to speak, makes me feel like he was so desperate and it’s not attractive. But I’ve done a ton of reading and apparently this is what men do to get over the pain of a breakup. I read almost 75% of men will have a rebound right after a break up while only 20 something % of women do. We grieve and go out with friends they seek out anyone they can and have sex. This is how they forget and deal with the pain. Read a good article on it in Psychology Today. It also talked about exactly what he told me. Men don’t have a supportive network like we do. So they get desperate for any attn possible. So mine turned to alcohol and a woman he knew that took complete advantage of the situation, which is the rep she has anyway so I am not surprised. The article said men do it sooner than later because the hurt is so profound they need to fill the void with something ASAP. Only he hated it and told her to go away. It didn’t work. So I will try to forgive and forget and just look to the future.

    #696022 Reply
    Ali

    HI, sounds like the best convo you could have hoped for.

    Like I said, been through this. My BF and I were split up for several months before we both were with other people, but I know it is very painful to think about. If I ever start feeling weird about it, I have to remember yes, we were broken up.

    Your situation is a little different, but my gut tells me he does care about you and love you, and that this experience actually made him realize it more, if that makes sense? I can tell you that when I slept with the man I slept with will we were split up I really really felt …. so wrong afterwards. It was awful and all it did was made me miss my ex sooooooooo much. The next day I immediately knew it was a huge mistake, that I wasn’t really, that no one would compare, etc.

    Try to work through these feelings. Don’t endlessly bring it up to your BF or ask too many details ( you don’t want lots of details, they will just haunt you in the end) in my experience.

    It’ll take some time. Best of luck.

    #696024 Reply
    Ali

    Also– the woman my ex (now my BF again) slept with was also no prize… though I’m sure a nice person… honestly I think she threw herself at him and in a lonely lost moment he went along with it– similiar to your BF. I understand how that feels were your like “what??? with her???” That took me a while to process honestly, that he lowered his standards (he admits this). but in the end I had to realize it’s not about judging this other woman, etc, that’s just something we do in part to make ourselves feel better.

    And yes, if your guy had no support network, this makes a bit more sense.

    My ex also was in a strange new town having trouble making friends, etc…. and feeling sad. I do think this is a bit different than say, actively LOOKING for something by going on tinder, etc. These things truly can “just happen” when you are lonely, and again, you guys were broken up. (keep repeating that yourself).

    #696033 Reply
    Dawn

    Thank you so much ALI and thanks for sharing your experiences. Yes I know he loves me and he’s fighting like hell right now to keep me and makes things better. He said exactly what you did, he felt awful and gross and like it was wrong and he regrets it. He said he felt worse after not better. He called this woman for someone to talk to because he said the loneliness and pain was so bad he was drowning it with alcohol. My BF is not a drinker. He’s fit and runs and doesn’t do this so I know he was feeling desperate. He also said what you did about how being with her made him appreciate me even more and just made him want me more. I’m doing my best to work through my feelings. I only read the part of the emails where it said how miserable he was and uncomfortable and how he didn’t want to see her again. I needed to know that was real. He even told me that it was super fast and abrupt and he masturbated to get it over with so he didn’t ejaculate inside her. He couldn’t. I don’t hate this woman and I am not trying to judge her. I found out because my friend knows her and it’s well known that this is her MO. Plus she is everything my BF used to preach to me he hated about women. She wears slutty clothes, her boobs are always hanging out, she posts photos of herself naked on FB with her hands over her breasts. If I posted a photo that was even remotely sexy or my boobs were hanging out he would think it was disgusting. So I feel he was a hypocrite and dropped his standards by a lot just to have sex. Then when it was happening he didn’t want it. No he wasn’t actively looking. Yes I know it can happen when you are desperate and sad and I was tempted but I thought better of it since we were still talking and the door was open. I didn’t want to ruin that but he didn’t think about that. Probably happened very fast as he said then he didn’t want to ruin the new stuff by telling me about it. Funny how the truth always comes out one way or another though. I will keep reminding myself we were broken up and do my best to move beyond it. I’m glad you’re happy now and I hope you continue to be. Thank you again!

    #696367 Reply
    Jackie

    Dawn, please just forget about it. He didn’t even like or respect her enough to bring her inside his home.

    Men have sex to feel better physically. There’s no emotion in one night stands. It’s just a night of banging to get off. And unfortunately (for him) your guy didn’t even feel better physically because he had to masterbate himself to get to the end!!

    So think about it. Her body and presence meant absolutely NOTHING to him! He had to do something to finish to end the debacle and get rid of her. Something he easily can do alone. So really, how much should that matter to you?

    You know why it was so bad for him?
    Because his heart belongs to you.

    He’s been completely transparent with what happened by showing the texts to prove it. Now you’ve talked it all out, so forget about it and move forward. Together.

    ps – I’d kinda feel sorry for the other woman and giggle at how it went down. Pretty sad on her part. Not as hot as she thinks she is, poor thing. 😂

    #696371 Reply
    Jackie

    I meant “through emails” not texts.

    #696662 Reply
    Dawn

    Hi Jackie, thanks so much. We went away together on the weekend and talked some more about it. Every feeling and the truth about everything. I feel much better. He said he never wanted anyone else but the problem we had seemed so hard to fix he needed to walk away. He was depressed and felt like a failure for not being able to fix it with me. He said when he was with her he truly believed it would never work out with me. He said it was over before it started with the other one and the only reason he called her was because he knew her. He said he never went on a dating app or bar or anything like that. He wasn’t looking for sex. Once it was offered he thought he wanted it then when it was happening he realized it was too soon and he didn’t want it. The next day he emailed her and told her he couldn’t do it again. Yes I do believe his heart was with me the whole time and he was trying to move on and drown out the pain. I am a lot to blame for the break up. I let past issues from other relationships come into play where they never should have. I feel like I pushed her away and into someone else’s arms in a way. I kind of pity the other woman too. She asked him to get together, when she knew he was hurting, what girl wants a rebound? She also knew what she was doing. I’m sure she saw an opening and jumped at it. I know he could have said no so she’s not all to blame but she definitely pushed it forward. She put herself in that position so if she’s hurt now it’s her own fault. He was sweet and sent her a nice email and let her down easy after it happened. He said if he really wanted a relationship he would have been trying and been back on the dating sites. If he wanted sex he would have gone online and just done it. He said nothing was planned it just happened this way. He told me to please have faith in him and the fact that he wants me and no one else and wants to work everything out with me. I told him I would. He told me he loved me and he would fight for me. I said I’d move forward and fight for him too. So in a weird way it’s good this happened because our original problem got better too and now we are in a better place. I won’t ruin it by dwelling on this incident. Thanks for the advice!

    #697414 Reply
    Jackie

    I’m SO happy to hear this!
    You’re moving forward together, stronger than ever.
    Perfect.
    👫

    #697429 Reply
    mdnn

    I can’t believe you actually

    How could you POSSIBLY

    did you REALLY think

    etc etc

    People here are jerks. Don’t listen to them.

    My advice is to be honest with your feelings as and when you feel them. They will always creep in and something small will become bigger. Personally, what you describe would not bother me — sounds like it was just a small, bad romp, and what made it bad is that he missed you. But you feel some sort of way, and that is what is important. You need to understand the root of your feelings, because they aren’t wrong or bad. They may just be misplaced.

    #697888 Reply
    Dawn

    Thanks again Jackie.

    And thank you MDNN. Yes you are correct. I am trying to get at the root of all these feelings that broke us up in the 1st place. I want to understand them so I can accept them and not repeat past mistakes.

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