This topic contains 29 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by kaye 4 months ago.
February 20, 2018 at 4:33 am #689825
Hi. So I haven’t been with him long, couple of months but it’s terrific and feels very loving with lots of attention from him. I know I shouldn’t, but I snooped on his phone. He didn’t give me any cause to but I’m just the insecure type.
On it I could see last week he had a lot of contact with his ex. He didn’t mention me at all even though she asked if he was seeing someone, he simply said he knew she’d ask and said he doesn’t ask her because it isn’t his business and he wouldn’t want to know. Why didn’t he tell her he’s with me?
They talked a lot throughout that day and the next day too I could see. There was also a bit of sexual content, for example she asked how his penis was keeping! Using the pet name they clearly had for it! And he responded by saying he’s all well thanks and in good order, then said ‘is this is part where I ask if your pussy is in good order?’
I am so shocked. I can see the next day that he seemed to get a bit cocky, and eluded to her thinking of him sexually after she did the same. It again not blatant, but saying he knows it’s on her mind! She then states she’s not interested in getting back with him and he then says he isn’t either thanks as he’s with someone and happy.
I feel knocked sideways. Why didn’t he tell her about me? Why did he seem to only say about me when she said she didn’t want to get back with him? It felt like he said it to her out of spite not respect for me. I feel so hurt. Am I right here or an I over reacting?
February 20, 2018 at 5:34 am #689830
First of all you snooped…always a bad idea.
Second, I want you to picture a conversation with and EX BF. What might you have said?
Sorry you are hurt but his private business is private and you are not his GF. So quit thinking like one.February 20, 2018 at 5:41 am #689832
Sorry I should have made it clear but I am his girlfriend. We agreed exclusively of that very quickly and he asked me early on.
I know I shouldn’t have snooped but what i found? How would people feel if it was their boyfriend?February 20, 2018 at 5:55 am #689834
You two are guilty of your own things. You snooped, he had some provocative talk with his ex. God knows what is worse.
Now you have two options: 1. You confront him at the same time exposing your own horrible behaviour, If you do be ready he will dump you. 2. You let it go and behave nice until one day he realises you are treasure girlfriend much better than his ex. There might be feelings for you but realise it’s too early stage of your relationships and not so strongs bonds yet and there still might be leftovers of his old feelings to his ex. Only time and you two getting to know each other in respectful ways will be able to create a strong relationship with no one esle to flirt with.February 20, 2018 at 8:06 am #689846
Sorry am I the only one who thinks that this is awful behavior? Yes of course you shouldn’t have snooped and I don’t know how you now bring this up to him without him knowing you did so, but from what you say you are together? He asked you to be his girlfriend even and you said yes? Yet here he is spending hours texting his ex and included for good measure is some sexual stuff too!? No a decent man doesn’t do this. A decent man doesn’t decline to answer a question about seeing someone and then blurt it out in a defensive manner to hurt the person who seems to have shunned him.
Sorry, but you have real problems with this guy.February 20, 2018 at 12:21 pm #689866
How long ago did he spilt with the ex and why? Who dumped who?February 20, 2018 at 1:27 pm #689877
This guy would have taken her back if she wanted him. He is keeping communication going and his options open. She asked him if he was seeing someone and he dodged it. That is dishonesty at the least.
You snooped. Not cool. But looks like you had every reason to and the silver lining here is you are only two months in. Get out. That is usually the honeymoon phase of a relationship and if he has his ex on his mind during this team, you should run.February 20, 2018 at 1:33 pm #689879
They split ages ago. Last April I think maybe. But they kept in contact and I know he really loved her, but he dumped her he says because she made him feel not good enough, and he struggles with insecurities and it made them worse he says, so it was a decision he made knowing she was bad to him although also describes that it was very painful to make it.
I guess that’s really why I was snooping. I’ve looked before and saw for a while he was just polite and even a little brush off like to her when we were first together, so I’m shocked to see this now.February 20, 2018 at 1:35 pm #689880
Bad for him not to him. He said she was great in many ways. I have to also say I only know all this because I pushed for the info. Not because he dwells on it or anything.February 20, 2018 at 1:58 pm #689883
@Hannah, also he said after my asking that they nearly tried again around October but he said he saw quickly nothing would change and didn’t want to get back into it, but it really is him who could have had her back and him making the decision to not go there again.
I could see from my snooping this was really the only time he’s been like this with her? Although he sent her a lovely message on Christmas Day and wished her happy new year. I feel in such a whirl about it.February 20, 2018 at 2:47 pm #689901
I think you know what you have to do. He has unresolved feelings for her. He has been sending her messages on Xmas and New Years along with these other messages. I don’t think this makes him a jerk, but he is obviously not done with her yet. You’re only two months in. Is this meeting your expectations? I think not.February 20, 2018 at 3:13 pm #689904
He is not being respectful of his relationship with you, but you are stuck between a rock and a hard place because you snooped. NEVER SNOOP — unless you are 100% willing to walk if you find anything sketchy. Now, you really don’t have the option of confessing you snooped and having a talk about it, since he’ll just turn it around on you and be very very (justifiably) angry at you violating his privacy.
I am not sure what to suggest here. This is a bad sign as far as I’m concerned that he is that much in touch with his ex, and flirting with her. He’s either still got feelings or has very bad boundaries.
If you really like him, I guess just proceed with a GREAT deal of caution and eyes wide open
Or– you could casually ask him “hey, are you still in touch with any exes, just curious?” in a non confrontational way, see what he says. If he claims he isn’t, you know he’s a liar as well…if he says he is, just continue to nonchalantly ask questions “so, how often do you guys talk? What do you think about being in touch with exes in general” etc…. if he’s lying and downplays he’s communication with her I would dump immediately.February 20, 2018 at 3:25 pm #689907
Ok, so I have looked at his phone again to see if there’s been any more contact. Please, I know I shouldn’t look but also know what I found wen I did.
So earlier today they have rowed. She’s basically accused him of not being honest with her, and has actually said that he shouldn’t have been flirting with her if he is with someone and that she doesn’t believe he’s without anyone, and that he’s just saying it as he said it in anger! He has tried to argue that he was just joking and she knew it, and then He’s replied really angrily to her saying he’s blocking her and he never wants to hear from her again.
I am honestly feeling so overwhelmed by all this. I just don’t know what to make of it or what to do. He seems normal with me and not quiet or upset or anything. What do people think of this!?February 20, 2018 at 4:11 pm #689913
Ok, I’m very confused by your last post. Was she saying she didn’t believe he was really with anyone and he tried to say he was joking about being with someone and being happy? If so that’s your cue to leave. If he’s trying to take back that he told her he was with someone (you) then you don’t want to be with this man. I’m sure his treat of blocking her and never wanting to hear from her again is idle at best. It makes no sense that they were going to try again in October and he decided against it but he’s sending her Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and messages around Valentine’s Day. You’ve only been with him 2 months, his feelings for you don’t compare to those he has for her. I would be gone.February 20, 2018 at 4:17 pm #689914
No- sorry I know it’s not clear, it’s just where I’m feeling stressed.
She said she didn’t believe him about being with someone, and said if he is he shouldn’t be flirting with her. He’s then said he is with someone and the flirting was a joke and she should have know that, and again said he is with someone and happy.
He’s then got angry and said he’s blocking her. I don’t want to mess around with looking to see if he’s blocked her on his phone as it’s a different phone to mine anddont want to end up calling her by mistake or something! But there’s nothing after that last text about blocking her? So maybe he has?February 20, 2018 at 4:40 pm #689915
I think the whole thing full stop, ESPECIALLY what she said asking about how his junk was and his response is just not acceptable.
He shouldn’t have entertained that conversation as far as he did regardless of the outcome. I would say there’s clearly already trust issues here, which is a huge red flag. I think other issues are going to surface with this guy. If someone isn’t right for us, usually we’ll get certain undeniable signs, subtle or not so subtle. I’d say this is a sign. Whether you chose to ignore it is up to you, but I hope you value yourself enough to make the right choice.February 20, 2018 at 6:21 pm #689919
Clearly he was not over her. Maybe this is what it’s taken to finally close the door on that relationship.
You’re in a tough position here. One thing is for sure – you’d better stop checking his phone now. Do you think you can do that? Because at some point you will either get caught doing it or you will have another piece of information you will not be able to sit on.
If you like him that much and he’s otherwise treated you well, give it another 4-8 weeks and see how things go. What worries me though is it really seems like you are a rebound. You could dump him now – which is definitely something to consider. You could tell him you are concerned he isn’t past the other thing and you are a rebound but he will probably insist that’s not true. Hard for us here to say. You have to make a judgment call. Sorry this happened. Snoops never find anything good.February 20, 2018 at 11:19 pm #689930
April is not “ages” ago, and they tried something in October, that’s very recent actually.
You are his rebound unfortunately. But not all rebounds break, some lead to relationships.
I know that you are not going to walk, even if everyone tells you so, even if you KNEW you should. So this one is out.
He is clearly not over his ex. But there is nothing going on between them in terms of getting together, meeting and talking or sex. He said he is happy with you. But it is also clear that you are a rebound and he began to miss he MORE now that you’ve been together for a couple of months. This is also very typical.
You can’t walk out now, you can’t tell him you snooped, then you only other option is to wait. Do nothing, simply wait another 2 months and see what happens. I am sure you will snoop again, but maybe in this case it will be good for you, as you’d know for sure if there was something “new” or not.February 21, 2018 at 2:13 am #689943
Yes Emma you are right, I don’t want to walk away although I can’t help but feel if he could have handled the complexities better with her then he’d still be with her, not me. She must have held something great for him to still provoke such emotion, even though it’s anger.
During their texts she said they weren’t a romantic match and he said he very much disagreed, that they were but their other stuff got in the way.
I feel sick about it all.February 21, 2018 at 2:37 am #689944
This gets worse and worse. He is NOT over her. How are you going to repress the knowledge of their conversations??!!February 21, 2018 at 2:43 am #689945
I honestly don’t know. He didn’t go on about them being a match after that though, he actually said contact would always lead to them pulling at emotional wounds and that although he wants to be friends he thought it would always lead back to talk of what was between them. But that was the start of their texting? Then there was the hours of texting of course! My friend said maybe he just got carried away this time as there wasn’t any other evidence, like I say the other texts when she’s contacted he’s brush her off a bit and kept it short.February 21, 2018 at 3:41 am #689949
Hurt, please look after yourself here. He clearly still has unresolved feelings for this woman. Let’s be real. I feel like you are grabbing at straws and trying to make excuses for him and the texts you’ve seen. Even if she doesn’t want him anymore, he clearly is still pining for her. This will probably not go away any time soon. Do you really want to be in this position?
He’s not necessarily a bad person for this, but his heart is elsewhere. It seems like this other woman is his “lost love”. And that is a very powerful thing. He is probably suffering, too, which is also sad. But these things happen.
And even if she won’t have it, or him, it doesn’t matter. Wouldn’t you rather be the one that your partner is pining for, instead of the “best alternative option” at the moment? This is early days in this relationship you have with him, even if you like him a lot. Please save yourself the future heartache and walk away from this. You will get over it, and find someone who really wants you. This man is not that one. I’m sorry, I know it’s painful.February 21, 2018 at 8:09 am #689960
It is very painful Anon, yes. I have now looked at his whatsapp for her and can see he’s blocked her. So he has done what he said he would to her. Is this him trying to move on do you think?February 21, 2018 at 9:06 am #689964
I had posted about my kind of similar situation on this site and have gotten some great advice. My situation is different. My BF did all this in very initial stages of our relationship when he didn’t ask me to be his GF. But he hid it from me that he was on a date with his ex the night he canceled my date with him. Here’s what I have understood and realized. My BF didn’t know me much at that time. It was only two month in. He had his ex gf in which he had invested over one year of his life. For him she was an easier resort. Getting her in bed and emotional wise too. So he gave her more priority to see if the last resort would work out but I guess it didn’t. Same is the case with your BF. You are still new, he doesn’t know you as much as he knows his ex. If he loved her then Hurt, love doesn’t go away in just a matter of few days. It take months to get over that person fully. With your love and care and understanding, soon he will forget about his ex and it will be a new life for him with you in it. If you are going to confront him, he will definitely have doubts about you. Now on my post someone wrote that think you never read those messages and I liked it. Think you never read those messages and wait and see what happens. Just have an open communication about your needs and let him know that if he is still interested in anyone else then he should man up and not hurt your feelings and walk away and you would understand. He hid this chat with his ex to you he is definitely going to get nervous and feel bad about it. I know you are hurt. I was too but if you aren’t ready to walk away make the best of it and try to win him.February 21, 2018 at 9:21 am #689965
Thank you confused. The time we’ve been together he has been so full on and attentive, that’s what I don’t understand! Even thinking of when we might live together in the future as it’s going so we, so to see these texts is shocking, but he has blocked her now like I say. Can he be in love with her but be happy with me?