Home › Forums › Break Up Advice › Blindsided on our 4th date
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Sarah.
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Joanne
I met this man online and he’s 8 years older than me (I’m in my mid 30s). He pursued me and asked for our first date which was going to be afternoon drinks. We really hit it off and despite the tipsy/silly things I said, he walked me to the bus stop at the end of our date with his arm around me, gave me a great kiss good bye and followed up saying we should go out again.
Second date was a few days later. We went for after work drinks and had great conversation. We ended up going back to his place and I slept over. We didn’t have sex but we made out. In the morning we cuddled and talked until he was nearly late leaving for work. We texted throughout the day and week and we made plans again for a few days later. Texts were sweet, flirty and sexy.
Third date was an afternoon at his place. When I arrived he said he was hungover and not feeling like doing much. I was completely fine with this, since I was happy to have a non-booze date with him. Turned out to be one of the best dates I’ve been on since it focused on conversation of a variety of topics in a comfortable and quiet environment and we was affectionate and cuddly with me. We ended up making out and carried it on to his bedroom where again we didn’t have sex, though so easily could have. He said we’re in no rush for it. We ended up falling asleep intertwined, it felt so comfortable and natural. I felt at peace, which is not a feeling I’ve had with a man for years. I didn’t stay over but he said he really enjoyed it when I did the other day and next time for sure I can. He walked me to the bus stop and we had a really lovely good bye. I couldn’t stop smiling.
We texted again all week and made plans for the 4th date. All dates were initiated by him, I kind of suggested we do something on the weekend and he ran with it and planned it out. So I met him for our date last week and he greeted me with a hug and a kiss on the mouth. I was feeling anxious and excited for it, as we hinted that this would be the sex date. We met for drinks and the bar was quite loud and difficult for having decent conversation. I’m pretty sure I blabbered on about stupid things a bit too much, he did say I go off on tangents sometimes. Anyways, I moved to sit next to him so I could hear him better and feel closer. I kissed him and it seemed well received. He suggested we order a third round of drinks. I mentioned I had tickets to an event the following week, if he’d like to go with me, and he basically said no, that he’s not feeling it with me for some reason anymore. He said he was all week, but just not tonight, he’s not sure what happened. I asked for another date, where maybe there was no booze and we could be like the last date, but he wasn’t interested. He pretty much blew me off, no explanation, no kind words.
It’s been several days and I’m still stunned by it. The day after I texted him with an apology/explanation and he replied saying we just didn’t click. I disagree completely and texted him saying so and suggesting if he changes his mind I’d still like to see him. No more contact.
Sorry for the long winded writing, but I’ve never been so blindsided before. He’s the first man I’ve dated in years who has struck such a positive chord in me. I felt we clicked on so many levels, it’s disheartening to hear otherwise. Could I have imagined it all? Is he an asshole? I really want another chance with him, is it possible? How? Or, how do I just forget him? I’m beyond sad about it.
L
Joanne
Wow…sorry you experienced that! Seems like this guy has no problem telling it like it is. He is somewhat of an asshole. I think he could have been a bit nicer but at least he was honest w/ you. I would not want another chance with this guy….you need to see it for what it is. He is not interested in you..why would you want to see him ever again. You deserve much better than that.
Maybe he was dating someone else at the same time or like he said he just felt there was no click. It happens and the fact that he said it within the first few dates should be a lot easier to swallow, forget and move on. It is disappointing but just because you felt you guys had a connection does not mean he felt it as strongly! I have had great dates with guys and after the 2nd date I am no longer interested. It happens!
Whatever changed his mind should not matter right now you need to move on and forget abut this guy!
Dyanne
I’m sorry you had to go through this. It happened to me also. One guy who pursued me heavily. We went out, stayed until 6 am, the date finished with heavy making out in his car. Immediately after I got home, he texted saying it was a great date and we agreed to see each other again the following afternoon.
He picked me up, we drove to his place, talked, laughed, kissed and everything was going perfectly fine. We talked about what each other wanted from this and agreed to take it one day at a time and see where it went. We had sex after, he “died” in the middle of it, but we brushed it off, talked some more, cuddled and kissed. The next morning he drove me home, gave me a big kiss and hug and said we would talk later.
We kept texting, had a date a few days later and he said he doesn’t feel it, we didn’t click physically. That mentally we were perfect for each other but he just didn’t feel itSo these things happen all the time. It is not you, you were just being yourself. It is just a matter of compatibility imo. Sometimes something happens that puts us off. In can happen to guys and girls, just don’t take it personally. After all, it’s only been 4 dates
talllady
I am not saying you are to blame here, but I would suggest to think about some tweaks for next time to think about
A. No home dates until at least date 3.
B. No overnights until committed
C. Never suggest getting together until at least 3 dates fully suggested by them. And best not until you are exclusive
D. When a man even slightly suggests that he is not interested in an another date – you do not try to convince him. It makes you look desperate.
E. No more than 2 drinks on a dateI believe you were too available for him. I have done this before. I have not asked for another date, but on a good third date, I have spoken about the future. I will never ever ever do that again. As far as I am concerned until I am exclusive, I will never refer to anything past that moment again.
You really did not take a no gracefully. You more than once suggested that he was wrong in his feeling and that to fix it, he should keep going out with you. and that you would be available no matter what. No no no.
Is he an asshole, no. Most men will disappear or things will end. He owes you nothing. That does nothing in terms of how much this hurts. Also, you have only been with him 4 times, for all you know, you lucked out.
Gemini615
Agree with Tall, you were definitely too available to him. I think he enjoyed it at first but then got burnt out too quickly. It’s the man’s job to lead and you’re job to set the pace. You moved too quickly with at home dates and asking to see him and asking for more dates.
I’m not sure why you’d want another chance with a man who rejected you. It’s his loss; you need to move on with your head held high. I know it sucks and your surprised by what happened but he’s made his choice and he’ll have to live with that choice, even if he comes back later wanting another chance.
This is what dating is about. You date people and find out if they are or aren’t the right fit for you. He decided you weren’t right for him. No need to get upset over it. At least you didn’t waste too much time on him.
Jenny
I think he prob felt like you were using sex as collateral… Guys barely want girls to stay over if they ARE getting sex, the last thing they generally want is for you to start crashing early on especially if no sex is involved. And I’m sure the more he thought about it, the more he realized you’d just become attached if you guys did sleep together and he just wasn’t there yet. You kind of were showing the signs of a stage 5… I don’t think he was an asshole to not be interested…?? That happens when dating. Just because YOU felt a connection doesn’t mean he’s obligated to feel the same way. Connections fade or sometimes they’re just off for unexplainable reasons, it’s a part of dating. Sorry you felt so blindsided though… sucks when you’re into someone and it doesn’t work out :\
Ivy
I think Tallady’s response is spot on – for this post, so please re-read all that like a 100 times and do go slower next time.
It takes so much time to get to know someone and sometimes that initial chemistry is misleading, if you give too much too soon you risk over-investing in something that basically has no emotional bond, 4 dates is nothing.
Also, if he said you didn’t click then you did not click. A click is when two people feel the click, a click is not when you feel a click and try to convince a man that he is wrong and should feel a click too. Convincing a man he is wrong about feeling a click and that he should see you again is a sign of low self-esteem. Work on loving yourself more and you’ll never try to convince a man to be with you.
Just use this as a learning lesson, draw the lessons out, process it and move on from this man once you are ready. Do not take him back, do not try to convince him to date you. Early dating is full of uncertainties, I am sure you know tons of friends who have had a guy wine, dine, then dissapear…it’s not uncommon. There is a delicate balance between being vulnerable, living in the present, and safeguarding your heart, that is the trickiest of all things. However, you can live in the present and not sleep over a man’s home that you are on a 2nd date with — unless you are ok with the possibility (strong one) that it may not become a relationship.
Chin up
Vanessa
I definitely think you gave him too much too soon. Going to his place, spending the night, cuddling, talking for hours. You probably told him so many deep personal things about yourself, including negative, without him being attached yet or a bond formed. The challenge and mystery was gone. Attraction went out the window. He was no longer looking forward to seeing you again and wanting more, learning more about you.You have to keep a man intrigued. Open up slowly. Just let him feel your fun, positive vibe. There’s an article on here about that. It also includes how he probably felt you were looking so much into the future and leading instead of letting him lead and just enjoying the present. He may not even be aware of why he lost interest. He just knows the vibe changed.
I agree with the others here. Don’t try to convince this man to give you another chance. If there was any attraction left, that totally killed it for him. What was the apology for? This is the reason some men just fade. Women can’t handle rejection, whatever the reason (which doesn’t matter because he may be wanting to spare your feelings) Be glad that he had the guts to end it face to face. Say you’re sorry he feels that way but accept his decision and take care.
Jules
In response to the 4th date thing, this has just happened to me.
I was pursued by a guy on a dating site and he messaged me a couple of times before a replied. I sent him a light hearted reply and we started messaging each other. We decided to meet up a couple of days later and the date was only for about 3 hours which I thought was a good start, nothing too heavy. He said he was taking his profile off the dating site and he wanted to give me 100% of his attention. He asked after 2 hours when we would going on our 2nd date and we arranged this for 3 days later. The 2nd date went well and we went to a restaurant, he paid for everything all of the time and he would not allow me to pay even though I offered on a number of times.
He asked me to message him when I got home to make sure I arrived safe, he had messaged me everyday sinnce the first texts and he would ring every night. I was a little phased by this as he was very full on and I wasnt used to this.
He had a bit of an insecure moment one night 5 days after our 1st date, he thought I was dating other guys when I said I wasnt interested in dating anyone else. This was sorted out easily and we went for the 3rd date. Drinks out and I stayed at his house over night. It was a great night and we then went out for lunch on the 4th date. When we started off it was going great but as we talked driving to the restaurant he mentioned that he thought we had met at the right time but also the wrong time???
We had lunch, left and I came home. I text to say thanks for a lovely weekend and got a usual lovely reply. Today he has messaged me to say he thinks he needs to concentrate on his work and he loves my company and I am a beautiful person and do not let anyone tell me otherwise.
Whats all that about???Sarah
Let’s face it, sometimes men just get cold feet. I know it’s baffling, especially when they come on so strong, but men really do like the chase.
I was dating a guy new to the country from the UK. I spent every weekend at his place, spent more then three nights with him. I met his closest friends, flatmates etc and they all loved me. We went on dates, went out to the movies and he was very affectionate, always holding my hand, kissing my forehead etc he would check in on a daily basis the sex between us was amazing! his interest didn’t wane after it too. HOWEVER… when i asked him where he thinks we are heading, he said he wasn’t sure. That he really liked me, but he was unsure if he could commit to me.
I took it with a grain of salt, yes it did suck, but I thanked him for the good times and I’m determined not to think too much into it and move on. Sometimes, things just don’t work out, it’s better just to not think about it, rather then try dissect a situation and drive yourself crazy.
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