Big dilemma, should I stay or go??


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This topic contains 16 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Mia 1 month, 1 week ago.

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  • #603348 Reply

    Mia

    Long story short I don’t know what to do…. been with bf 4 yrs…. we are great together. I was married before for 12 years and have 3 kids with my ex. Ex cheated on me and was mentally abusive. We’ve been divorced for 6 years. My bf and I have one child together she is 1. I know… let the rude comments begin……
    My ex for a long time didn’t like to communicate about our kids, he made it difficult. Now for about almost a year now he has changed how he is to me and is civil about everything. Which is nice. He hasn’t stopped loving me and has been wanting to be a family again and to travel and do everything to make us happy.
    My bf knows that I talked to my ex and I let him see whatever texts he wants we are very comfortable and loyal to each other. I love my boyfriend and all but he isn’t set in life yet and has a lot to over come. Not to mention he doesn’t want to get married either.
    I’m a little confused and not sure what I should do. If I should just stay with my current boyfriend or love on my own or try to make things work with my ex.

    #603349 Reply

    Mia

    Live *^

    #603350 Reply

    L

    Sounds like your bf already picked … he ain’t marrying you.

    #603353 Reply

    Ginger

    You have four kids by two guys and all you can still about is you? What’s best for the children? Is that even a consideration?

    #603354 Reply

    Crisula

    Sorry
    L is right

    #603355 Reply

    Grace12

    That fact that you’re even considering going back to your abusive, cheating ex-husband means you don’t truly love your boyfriend. You would never even consider another man if your heart belonged to him. I feel sad for your boyfriend because he probably thought (when you had a child together) that you planned to stay with him forever. How would you like it if your boyfriend was talking to someone that he was considering leaving you for? Break up with him and let him find someone who loves him without conditions attached.

    #603357 Reply

    Ambree

    Hi Mia..It’s your choice in the end but your ex is your ex for a reason luv..Maybe your boyfriend doesn’t want to get married at the moment & let that be a decision he makes solely not by force.On another note being alone makes you strong,so before jumping out of one relationship & getting back into another focus on your kids & yourself.No one is perfect so don’t beat yourself up.We’re human & we all have been through these complex situations..Good luck!..

    #603362 Reply

    Phillygirl

    I don’t thing you should be with either. What PROOF do you have your ex is a truly changed man? So far, nothing you’ve said indicates that. Most abusers stay abusers, so no way would I reopen that door.

    Second, if you want to be married your BF has made it clear it won’t be him.

    I think you need to learn how to be alone and happy, and not in a relationship. The greatest gift I ever gave myself after a bad relationship was taking time to be fully single.

    To rediscover WHO I WAS. To reaquaint myself with my wants, needs, goals, desires, hopes and dreams. I strengthened family connections, revived old neglected friendships and started new ones. I picked up my old hobbies and passions, and sought out new things.

    I learned to fully like and love myself, all by myself.

    Have you ever really been alone since you’ve been out of your marriage? I’d guess not.

    I’d walk away, work on myself, and find my own happiness. Then,and only then, will the right man, who wants the same things come along, and more importantly, will you be in the right frame of mind to be with him.

    #603365 Reply

    Ash

    Whatever you and your bf end up doing, I would strongly advise against going back to the ex.

    He cheated on you and was mentally abusive. Don’t think for a second that just because he’s behaving civil now that things won’t go right back to the way they were if you get back together.

    #603375 Reply

    Mia

    Of course my kids are not n it all they are my world. They are happy and are with me. They of course want me to try with my ex. Don’t feel sorry for my boyfriend it’s not like I’m acting on anything. I will stay with my current boyfriend and just continue to work in myself for me and my kids

    #603376 Reply

    Mia

    I mean of course my kids are in it. *^

    #603381 Reply

    kaye

    What does this mean exactly? “I love my boyfriend and all but he isn’t set in life yet and has a lot to over come.” If these things he needs to “overcome” include any kinds of addictions…drugs, alcohol, etc then I would leave. But if it’s just because he won’t get married, what does that matter? You live together and have a child together and presumably he takes care of both you and your other 3 children.

    And it has been 6 years. Why would you even entertain the idea of going back to a man who was mentally abusive and cheated on you? Just because he has been civil with you for a year does that make you forget all those other years? It amazes me how women can get selective amnesia!!

    I would cut off any conversations where the ex is telling you he wants you back and that he will do anything to make you happy. Guess what…my alcoholic emotionally abusive ex said the same things to try to get me back. They will say anything you want to hear and will even be good for a couple months until they have you right back where they want you and then they go back to their old ways. Don’t fall for that BS!!

    And stop showing your boyfriends the texts from you ex. Instead tell him that you have told your ex you will no longer entertain him saying those things to you out of respect for your boyfriend and any texts that aren’t specifically about the children and their welfare will not be responded to and will be deleted.

    If in 4 years your current boyfriend doesn’t have his life together and can’t overcome whatever these things are then you need to look long and hard about whether or not he ever will. It’s better to be on your own than miserable and unhappy in a relationship and I have to agree with the others who said if you loved your BF you would NEVER entertain the idea of going back to an abusive cheater!!

    #603390 Reply

    Raven

    You posted about this before & got tons of great advice… Most of what you are again seeing here…

    Sounds like you want to go back to your cheating abusive ex …?

    #603393 Reply

    Phillygirl

    I fully stand by my statement this OP needs to learn how to be happy and alone.

    This is a mess. And the kids are in the middle. Not fair, or responsible!

    And I can say that, I’m a single Mom. My son’s best interests always come first. Whatever you are doing, I don’t think any of it’s good for the kids, and very confusing to them.

    #603405 Reply

    Amanda

    Do not go back to a cheating and abusive guy.

    About your current boyfriend. Does he take care of all your kids? Why doesn’t he want to get married? What things does he have to overcome?

    And why are you thinking of leaving your current boyfriend? There must be a reason….

    #603410 Reply

    SthrnBelle

    I do not think you are happy with your current boyfriend or you would never think of going back to your ex the idea of which just blows my mind. Now as to your current boyfriend, it sounds like he was a rebound and he is a mess, perhaps you can get into it more in detail what is wrong with him. The simple notion that he does not want to marry now, I see nothing wrong with that. I myself would not want to marry now kids or not and have many happy friends living happily together without the paper but all is great. It depends on how much that means to you.

    The problem is that you are even considering going back to an abusive cheater, most likely a narcissist, who will treat you the same I guarantee you that. Nothing will tell me that he has changed, people like him rarely do. Of course he is pursuing you because he wants an ego boost but once you are back, it will be the same.

    With that many kids, well, it is extremely hard without a man in your life, do you have family to help you? I really think you need to be single and think of men later, think of your kids now. Neither guy sounds right for you. I doubt that you will do this but it seems obvious that it is not a question of either or but neither.

    Also please really think it over when and if to have children in the future because unfortunately the kids do suffer in situations like this. To have three kids with a guy who was abusive is not very responsible and to have one with an unstable guy like you describe this one is not real smart either.

    I do not mean to be harsh. I can imagine that it is difficult for you now. But instead of thinking about yourself and your intimate like think first of raising all these kids. I know it will not be easy and you will need a support group but perhaps eventually you can find a much better guy. I am really sorry that you are going through this.

    #603444 Reply

    Mia

    First when I was married to my ex we kept all arguments and cussing away from our kids. He is and will always be a great father thank god for that. I won’t bash him on that. Mentally abusive yes he was but it wasn’t for our whole marriage. He helps take care of our kids financially.
    My current boyfriend struggles with money and saving money. I do all of it. I’m a saver and he’s the spender. My kids never saw any bad in my past relationship with their father or in this relationship. They are happy kids whom I always put first. I’m human I can have thoughts and see if and what is best for my kids and myself. I actually never thought about going back to my ex. I do love my boyfriend and we do everything for each other. I don’t text my ex back unless it’s about our kids. I have told my ex that he needs to stop texting about anything else beside our kids. I’m the end I do want what’s best for my kids I’m in no way form thinking of myself here.

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