This topic contains 28 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by carlotta 9 months ago.
April 19, 2017 at 4:17 pm #620364
I have posted about this about a month or so ago. We have been dating roughly 5 months. Most of which he has been out of work. He left the military towards the beginning of us seeing each other and planned to take a month to relax and do some traveling. He’s only been actively looking for work for about 2 months – however I’m not sure how motivated or active he has been. I am busy with a job and school work. He hasn’t seemed stressed for money or anything until very recently. Our relationship has been good, a bit slow moving but we are finally using the bf/gf label and see each other close to every day or every other day while still maintain alone time with friends. However, I feel that we are having sex less – more recently and I can see that he is more worried about finding a job. I haven’t gotten on him about spending his time more wisely – rather than sleeping in or playing video games for hours sometimes between applying – prepping for interviews etc. Because I am not his mother and it isn’t my place. But I am beginning to wonder if I should. I am also starting to get worried about our relationship. He treats me well and has done nothing wrong thus far. However, I feel sometimes that he doesn’t go above and beyond. I wonder sometimes how deep his feelings really go or if he is just wanting companionship. This is a lot of questions combined into one, but any advice is great. Its all beginning to worry me.April 19, 2017 at 6:28 pm #620398
Get a grip before you screw up a good thing. Two months is not a long time. Keep your mouth shut. You should NOT get on him. My BF has been looking since Christmas. He’s at a high level and it normally takes someone 6-9 months in his position to get something. He’s very diligent, interviewing and applying all the time. Our sex life is way off as he is somewhat stressed even though money is not an issue at this point. Guys are used to having something to do, and problems to solve. He has way too much time on his hands and the wheels turn in his head too much. I just tell him I know he’s got this and I’ve started asking what he’d like to do to celebrate when he lands the new position as I know he is close.
If you start worrying he’s going to pick up on it. I wouldn’t question the relationship at all right now. Enjoy the time you have together. If you start to have real reason and I mean real reason to believe he is slacking or freeloading, then you can address that if and when it happens.April 19, 2017 at 7:56 pm #620408
I agree 2 months isn’t that long to find a job. As long as he is actively looking, I would give him 8 months before I would worry.April 19, 2017 at 8:01 pm #620409
Men see money as a flow….when they work the money flows…they do not worry about if the flow stops since they always think they will get a job.
No, you should not get on him. You are not his mother. Just chill for right now and let him worry about it….give it a couple more months…let him do what he needs to do to get himself in shape.
If in a couple of months he is not jumping to get a job then evaluate if he is just not looking hard enough or is having bad luck. Either way, do not finance him…he is not your child.April 19, 2017 at 9:32 pm #620412
Where is he getting money currently for his place to live,food, gas and to treat you?
I personally wouldn’t date someone without a job or money coming in.April 19, 2017 at 10:01 pm #620416
If he’s worried…he’s already aware of the situation
He doesn’t need you to nag him
will it help him to find a job? NOApril 19, 2017 at 10:36 pm #620419
This is another thread today where others are much more understanding than I would be. (The other one is the one about social media and posting pictures – everyone seems to be laughing at OP, I think I can understand her problem.)
A man with no job for 5 months, spending time on video games (instead of interviews and such), would be a major turn off for me. I am a very ambitious person with a career that I am proud of, I think I couldn’t stand a man who is fine with doing nothing for 5 months. It’s not about his income, more about his ambition (or lack of it) and laziness.
There is nothing hotter about a man than ambition, success, intelligence.
It’s up to OP, of course, I think I would have a very serious conversation with my bf.April 19, 2017 at 10:51 pm #620420
yeah, Shoshannah is right..I agree he needs to move his damn butt…if he’s so worried about work, he shouldn’t be sleeping in or playing video games. Sorry I skimmed and missed that part.
If he’s still financially hanging in there…don’t worry about it..
I feel there is nothing you can do
Maybe just pleasantly ask questions
“so any good jobs online?”
“how many replies on your resumes?”
Ask like you’re taking it for granted that he is actively looking for a job. It will probably make him feel guilty and needs to move his arse.April 19, 2017 at 10:57 pm #620421
I understand that those things are important to you, Shoshannah (ambition, success). But since when did a man suddenly cultivate those things because his GF nagged him.
This is one of those things– like getting in shape, or any other motivation problem, that HAS to come from him. You can encourage him, support him, but nagging will be counterproductive and drive a wedge between you. It won’t work. If the motivation doesn’t come from him, and nothing seems to be changing in the next few months, then you decide if it’s a dealbreaker. You don’t change a person– you just decide if you can work with what they are.
At the moment it sounds like it’s a bit unclear if he’s not looking hard enough or just not having any luck. Time will reveal. If you are otherwise happy, just give it a couple of months, see how it looks then.April 20, 2017 at 12:18 am #620429
Some of you are pretty shallow.
n a perfect world, everyone is employed all the time. Guys have periods between jobs, girls, just like each one of you has. There is a big difference between that situation and a guy who is slacker or a deadbeat.
I met my guy shortly after he left his job. It’s been great to have so much time with him and our relationship has progressed because of it. Also, I’ve been able to see when things are not so perfect, and I’m liking what I see. He’s mature and responsible and a good communicator. We are lucky, money not an issue and he treats me to meals and other things, although I certainly dont’ expect anything extravagant right now. This is the first time in his life he’s ever had more than two weeks between a job and it’s nice to see him enjoying himself a bit here and there. If this man just came out of the military he might be enjoying a little break. He earned it.
Don’t be so quick to judge and reject. Seeing a man work through a job hunt is a great revealer of character.April 20, 2017 at 8:15 am #620440
As long as he’s actively looking, having no job is a temporary condition.
Your BF is actively looking, so cut him some slack. Generally speaking, some men put a lot of emphasis on their ability to pull their weight in a relationship. If he’s starting to worry now, it’s because his savings are getting thin. Playing video games in particular is a way to unwind from the anxiety. He also won’t be the most diligent boyfriend during this time because of that anxiety.
I had this problem, my BF didn’t lose his job but he wasn’t happy with what he had or his pay and he didn’t feel financially secure. We wanted to move in together but he would not until he got a better job. He was so afraid of being a “burden” to me. Then he got a better job and his tune changed almost overnight.
If you want this man in your life, it’s worth weathering the storm, it will get better once he finds one, the only question is how long you’re willing to wait.April 20, 2017 at 1:10 pm #620508
It’s worth pointing out that the situation is an excellent way for him to see how YOU respond to adversity as well.
Nobody who is looking for a job needs to be questioned about how it’s going. It’s going… until they get a new position! Duh!! That would be like asking someone who is trying to get pregnant how it’s going.
LOL my BF plays video games at night to unwind. You really have to understand how men deal with stress, in particular job or financial stress, because it cuts to the center of their identity and self worth.April 20, 2017 at 1:37 pm #620519
I’m sorry, but I respectfully and completely disagree that it’s shallow to refuse to start dating an unemployed man. That is COMPLETELY different than already being in a relationship with a guy who’s just fallen on hard times (and actively seeking to change his situation). I would absolutely be empathetic and emotionally supportive in the latter case.
I’m with Shoshannah on this one.
I am single mom, working full time, and I get zero child support from my ex. I take care of my child, my Mom and a house, while maintaining a busy and challenging career.
I expect the same kind of work ethic from men I date. I don’t need to prove my character in hard times to a guy I barely know, when my entire lifestyle and values already prove that. Give me a break. I am a loyal and supportive partner to someone who earns that. Not someone just I’ve just met. Ladies a good man should want and need to prove himself to YOU.
I will not get involved with a man who is unemployed. There wouldn’t be a first date.
I work my tail off to do it all, by myself. No way am I signing up for that at the start.
There is nothing wrong with having (reasonable) standards, and everyone should have a short list of dealbreakers before a first date, and especially before you get serious.
A man who is serious about looking for a job gets up early every day, and is sending out resumes and going on interviews EVERY week. I think the OP’s guy may be:
-no that serious about finding a job
Or all of the above.
Nope. I would not entertain that. I want a man who is motivated, hard working, consistent and a go-getter. I could not be with a guy who is getting up late and playing video games all (or most of the day). That’s not a man, it’s a “boy” or a man-baby. Give him back to his Mommy.April 20, 2017 at 2:30 pm #620548
Just curious Phillygirl, Shoshonnah – are you you currently in relationships? How have you dealt with a man becoming unemployed while dating or married, if you have experienced either? You both are going to the worst case scenario, that the guy is a loser because he is temporarily unemployed. Interesting that you see it so black and white. If I’d been this hard line about it, I would have missed being with a great man. And frankly, it tells a man a lot if a woman would refuse to date him or dump him if he were out of work. I wouldn’t want someone who judged me so harshly in a temporary condition.April 20, 2017 at 2:50 pm #620558
You obviously didn’t read my full response. I would NOT dump a man for becoming unemployed. Things happen in life and I fully believe in working through hard times…TOGHETHER.
What I will NOT do, is START something with a guy who isn’t working (or, in other meaningful ways, does not have his act or life together).
I’ve learned the hard way. I have supported exes in the past who (as it turned out) weren’t just on hard times (or a one-off situation) but were habitually employment challenged.
I am raising a son. A man who wants to be in our lives needs to be a good role model for my son. Why in the hell would I choose to date a guy without a job when we haven’t even met yet?
Let him get his life together, then we can talk. I have one child, I don’t want a “grown man-child”.
My ex had his own contracting business, I was very supportive when business almost halted for close to a year. But he was NOT lazy or unmotivated. There is a very big difference. That is my pointApril 20, 2017 at 6:16 pm #620609
I did read your whole response and you confirm what was coming through – some of what you’re saying comes across as kind of bitter and alarmist, so obviously you’ve been burnt before and that explains your hard line. No offense, but you’re making a lot of assumptions of scenario that have clearly come from your past (bad) experience. We are making the very same point. I just don’t think “never date a guy who isn’t working” is extreme. You have to take into account the circumstances and the man.
Anon and I are in the same place – our guy lost his job shortly after we got together. Mine’s job ended about 4 weeks after we met. I have since seen demonstrated what I felt he was – decent guy. I saw no red flags. He’s professionall, a home owner and has savings. But he does indeed play video games at night. That’s how he relaxes and gets his mind of “gotta get a job, gotta get a job” which is what any decent guy is thinking all day long while job hunting. That’s how a lot of men relax. Better that than out at a bar drinking or something.
I don’t think anyone is going to jump in with both feet with someone – male or female – who is newly unemployed and struggling. No one wants to date a deadbeat. What isn’t clear is if this guy is a slacker or not. I don’t see that he is, but we don’t have all the facts from Anon.April 20, 2017 at 6:17 pm #620611
gets his mind off “gotta get a job”April 20, 2017 at 6:43 pm #620620
Thank you for all of the responses I can see both sides. I don’t want to nag at him because I know that may not be the best motivator. And some days he does get up early and spend hours and hours applying, writing cover letters, etc. But other days I know he sleeps, hits the gym and plays video games. Everyone should be allowed some relaxation time, especially when stressed out. However, I just hope that he is truly as motivated as he needs to be. I have never been without a job for more than a week, so I don’t know how this goes. He was in the military as an officer and left with a nice title. So he seemingly was and is a motivated person, not lazy and certainly not asking me for help with money at all ever, he still pays for more dates than I do. I just don’t want him to become complacent and become unmotivated to the point that it truly affects him – or us.April 20, 2017 at 6:49 pm #620621
I don’t see how you and anon are similar. Her guy doesn’t appear to be actively looking and if he left the military he has options. Man organizations actually have quotas of veterans they hire and in many cases the vet also gets fully paid educational opportunities. So not sure what kind of job he is looking for but if she says it appears as if he is lazy .. I beleive her,
I also believe that is he came out of active duty and was based in a situation where the conditions were very stressful, he may be dealing with ptsd. And that will lead to erratic behavior, depression, low motivation, etc.
No one here knows what the situation is.
5 months is not very long to be with someone. I don’t agree you just give up what you want for a person you barely know. I would give this a timeline and see what happens. Love does not conquer all.. that’s in movies and story tales. If they are not matched in motivation, goals, values, etc.. there is no point in staying together.April 20, 2017 at 10:36 pm #620662
Any guy who is sleeping in, going to the gym and playing video games is not looking for a job.
If he were finding it difficult to find a job, but was still out there diligently trying,..no problem
But he is being lazy
His being worried doesn’t pay the bills
As far as I’m concerned, this type of behavior is a major character flawApril 21, 2017 at 12:05 am #620666
He can afford to take the time off, well, good for him! He pays for your dates; he is good to you, why complain? Give the man a break, I don’t suppose it was a field day out there, when he was in the military? Many jobs are silly menial and I can imagine it be very difficult to adjust after investing so much time in the military and then coming out and having to find an unrelated job. I don’t know how people do it. We civilians invest decades in our trade and grow in our profession, there is no abrupt end date to our service, He would have to go through additional training in just about any field he would choose so he is smart to be a little picky if that’s what you’re getting at… Are you worried that he won’t “provide” for you?April 21, 2017 at 2:51 pm #620747
I would say it depends on the guy. I do not know his financial situation and unless he has been completely open about his finances with you, you do not know either.
I have a friend who was working in the financial sector earning a six figure salary. He did not have a wife or a child (so not child support or spousal support payments). Some situation came up at work and he spoke to his CEO to give him a break or essentially asked his CEO to lay him off. He had savings all thru the years. His passion was travelling. Since in the past he was always working, he could only travel in a limited amount of time. Now he decided to take a break from being in the workforce and went travelling to different countries (which would not have been possible if he was working). He was keeping an eye out for jobs all over the world but he had specific criteria for the jobs that he wanted and did not want to take just any job. And that takes time. He was essentially unemployed for two years. During those two years he did not borrow money from anyone. He moved in with his parents for whenever he was not traveling but it was more to spend time with them as he was always away working or studying. I am quite sure that he also was paying bills there and not just free loading as both his parents are retired and his dad is quite sick. He recently got a really good job in a University (I am really not sure what he does there but I know he is on the Board of Directors and is teaching some classes as well). He had done a couple of courses while he was enjoying travelling and basically getting himself ready for this new change in his life. Now if your bf is this kind of guy, then I would say nothing wrong with him taking his time getting a job.
I know of another guy who did not have any savings. In fact he had to borrow just to pay his rent. Was always stressed but could be always caught playing video games to “distract” himself from his stress. If your bf is this kind of guy, I would say dump him in a heartbeat!!
So basically only you know what kind of guy your bf is.April 21, 2017 at 4:30 pm #620776
I don’t know, when I was out of work I slept in, went to the gym, and played video games. How much of the day can you spend looking for a job? And it can get overwhelming fast. I used to just limit my search to an hour or so a day and there were some days that I didn’t want to deal with it. I was lucky, I got a job in five weeks. But I was definitely not spending my whole day relentlessly looking for a job…I think I would have freaked out from the stress if that was the case.
In his case, also, he just came out the military. He’s only been unemployed for a brief period of time. He must have money saved up, correct?
Right now I would wait and see.April 21, 2017 at 5:24 pm #620789
Sherri and Shannon, those are exactly my points.
You cannot just blanket state you will not date anyone who isn’t working. Guy 1 in Sherri’s example – nothing wrong there. Depends on the guy and his situation. And no one can job hunt 8 hours a day week in and week out. And while job hunting, sleeping in and going to the gym and for a man, playing video games or watching sports all count as self care and respite from a big task.April 21, 2017 at 8:55 pm #620817
Jakki, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend anyone with my ‘shalowness’.
It’s just that I am a workaholic and, to answer your question – no, I have never been in a situation like this, because all people in my environment are workaholics as well. And men I date are from my environment. I work in an extremely competetive area. No people around me who have time for video games, unless they are so successful that they can afford one hour off.
I think you can think of it this way – it’s just a matter of taste. Some people are attarcted to blondes, some to brunettes. There are many not so perfect features in a man that I will put up with. But I just won’t with laziness. Phillygirl made a good point – it’s a different thing if someone that I’m already in a relationship with is struggling, and a different thing when we’re just starting to date. I would be supportive of my partner. But in a latter case, there just wouldn’t be a first date.
So… you can call me shallow. But I’ve been working my ass for years to be where I am now, sacrifying a lot – social life, friends, relationships or even health. Maybe it is snobbish, but I think I’ve earned my right to be picky about how succesful (or at least motivated) a man that I want to date is. And then also, you cannot force attraction… I just won’t be attracted to someone who doesn’t share my most important values.
That’s why I said – it’s up to OP. It depends on what is important to her. In my case, 5 months of being unemployed would be a deal-breaker (or a breaker even before a deal, if you know what I mean). Depending on OP’s values, it doesn’t have to be. But me, personally, I would like to be out from this relationship, but to not be as harsh and heartless, I would at least have one serious conversation where I state clearly what is bothering me and what I worry about. I think it’s a very good thing to acknowledge such worries, beause otherwise, it may lead to a very unhealthy relationship where one person is trying to not be shallow and another has no clue that there is any problem. As a consequence, you may have partners cheating on each other (with someone more succesful, for instance), or something alike. I think trying not to be shallow is full of crap. It’s way better to realize and acknowledge what our values are – even if they seem shallow – and to communicate them effectively.