BF said he doesn't love me YET. should i walk away?


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This topic contains 19 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Amanda 3 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #678604 Reply

    emcee

    i’ve been with my bf for over a year. Everything is great. He integrated me to his family and his kids. He included me in his plans for the future. he treats me well.

    the issues:
    – he hasn’t said he love me
    – he is not affectionate and i told him my love language is touch
    – it feels like he is not keen to get to know me deeply and meet my family (i’m from a different country so it’ll require like 12hrs plane to get to my home country)

    So one day we had a disagreement and i just blurted out that i don’t feel safe in our relationship and i told him all of the above problems (bec it has been building up inside me) and also said that i’m getting frustrated and hurt bec i love him (first time for me to say it to him as well). This is when he told me “he is not in love with me yet” and my issue lies because i am ahead of my feelings so i get insecure in our relationship.

    So I initially broke up with him as i know i couldn’t force someone to love me and i would want to love and be loved in a relationship. He told me that he doesn’t want to break up with me and he said that everyone is of different pace and he may not be in love with me yet but he definitely feels something for me and care about me. He doesn’t want to be pushed into being affectionate if he doesn’t feel like doing it and he said Love is a big word for him that he wants to be sure of his feelings. I continue with the relationship but this has bothering me. I know that if i continue i have to accept the situation but i can’t help but to step back and i feel now that i am suppressing my feelings so i wouldn’t get hurt. I don’t know if i should wait but don’t know until when. It’s very uncertain and sometimes i just feel like walking away at least even though i know i’ll get hurt, i am certain that i’ll be healed and maybe find someone who will love me but i don’t know i’m just confused because so far he is really been treating me very well (i think bec at the back of my mind i always think he doesn’t love me and may not love me so somehow i’m putting up my wall).

    Thoughts?



    #678607 Reply

    Hannah

    How often do you see each other? Personally I wouldn’t continue with someone who hadn’t fallen in love for over a year, but if you can’t see each other much due to distance, maybe it takes longer to get attached.

    #678609 Reply

    emcee


    @hannah – we see each other regularly, i’m usually at his place every weekend and sometimes on weekdays. I was also surprised when he said he hasn’t love me yet bec everything is really good except for those issues i mentioned.

    #678610 Reply

    emcee

    sorry, i meant i’m originally from a different country. My bf and i are of the same city but my family is not here with me.

    #678611 Reply

    emcee


    i also told him that, its not as if we’re only together for 3 months or so. We are together for over a year and He told me “does it now have to have a timeframe to feel in love?”

    #678615 Reply

    Algo

    I’d give him maybe some more time after having had the conversation. But not too much. But I would let him know that you’re not going to be hanging around indefinitely and if he cannot give you what you want, you will walk away (and mean it). It took my bf a very long time as well. He was still processing his first gf of 7 years passing away from cancer. When we met, he was convinced he’d be single for the rest of his life, he didn’t want or need a new partner. He was only 28 at the time.

    We talked after 8 months because he’d never told me he loved me. He then told me he felt like he’s just numb on the inside and didn’t know if he’d ever un-numb. It was very emotional, I took some time to think about it and I told him I’d give him a few months, maybe 2 or 3 but that I couldn’t sit around waiting for him to love me no matter how amazing we are together. Potential isn’t good enough. A week went by and I told him I felt like we weren’t a team and we were just friends with benefits, he didn’t agree. Then I told him that I wasn’t sure I could still be friends with him if we broke up because I didn’t want to watch him fall in love with someone else one day. He then didn’t sleep for 2 days and just, worked through it. Knew that he didn’t want to lose me, met up with his girlfriend’s family, had a whole day of reminiscing. When he came back, he was a different man. He told me he loved me and that it was the first day in years that he’d been happy again, that he wanted to spend his life with me, bought me a ring, is planning for us to be old together.

    Bottom line, it doesn’t often change after so many months, but if it does, it’s usually if they have some stuff to work through but they know they will lose you if they don’t. So I would definitely put some kind of time frame on it, for your own sanity. You can’t put your life on hold because he ‘isn’ t sure’. Be prepared that he might never have those feelings. If he doesn’t after you explain that you can’t sit around waiting for him and that you have a life to live, you know he never will and you need to walk away.

    We had the talk after 8 months and he had extenuating circumstances. I know I couldn’t have lived for months and months being the one who loves and yearns and him just knowing it’s in there somewhere. That’s not a real relationship and I deserve a real relationship. So do you. Maybe he won’t be the one to give you that as much as ot hurts right now.

    #678619 Reply

    Lane

    Yes, you absolutely need to walk away. A man knows pretty quickly whether he’s in love or not as they can’t contain it for very long when they feel it. Most of my BF’s expressed it very early, by the first to second month and although it didn’t mean we were right for each other as love is just one part of the entire pie/equation, it was the FIRST INDICATOR (or sign) that he wasn’t farting around and was truly interested in planning a future with you.

    Some men may take a bit longer (few months) if their older and/or have been through the ringer (breakups/divorce) and needs more time to determine if the woman is going to stay the same (she accepts him for who he is, warts and all) or he’ll lose his autonomy and freedom (she wants to change him to fit her version of what a BF should look/act like).

    In a nutshell, a man doesn’t all of sudden have an epiphany a year later and say “I think I love her”. No, a man FEELS IT pretty quickly; its a biological s w i t c h that’s triggered where its either ON or OFF. When its ON he can’t contain those feelings for too long and will make darn sure you know so another man doesn’t steal you away from him.

    Of course there are circumstances where he’s not in a position to ACT on those THREE BIG WORDS because his life’s off track and is willing to take the risk of losing the woman to another because he’s simply not in a good mental and/or financial state to give her what she needs to feel fully loved, safe, and secure with him. Trust me, there’s a very distinct difference between a man who’s IN LOVE with you or LIKES YOU enough to keep you around until he finds that woman he will give his heart to on a platter without her having to say or do anything to get it. Get his heart before you give him yours—that’s the best dating strategy if your looking for a mate/husband.

    #678655 Reply

    peggy

    Hi-I understand what Algo is saying,but her case is an exception and is not like emcee is talking about. Love is a feeling and an action. Emcee,you say your relationship is great,but then list plenty of reasons why it is not great. I agree 100% with Lane’s take/advice.

    #678656 Reply

    Aida

    I couldn’t stay. Over a year is a long time. Even if he miraculously started feeling in love with you, which I think is really unlikely to happen after so long, he’s not affectionate and your love language is touch. That’s a miserable way to live.

    You will be so much happier with a man who is madly in love with you, affectionate, and excited to know you and meet your family. That’s not too much to ask, I promise.

    #678662 Reply

    Emma

    How old are you? If you are in your late 30s or god forbid early 40s then do not jump the gun. Appreciate what you have. Love is a big word indeed.

    If you are young, do not waste your time. There are other opportunities and you can still find them. Staying with him will make you bitter, create baggage, etc etc. You were together for a year, it will take you awhile to get over this, especially given that oyu have feelings for him. So if you are young walk away asap.

    #678734 Reply

    Veronica

    Hi Emcee,
    Yes, it may take a man a while before he tells you he loves you because it is a big word for the men and many of them don’t like talking about feelings. But it depends on how he treats you. Since you said he treats you well and you feel that love from him, then there is no question whether or not he really loves you. Actions speak better than words. In my previous relationship a man told me sometimes many times he loves me but I never felt that naked love from him. He was more of a taker than giver. Now I am in a relationship with a man for almost a year and even though he slipped 3 times telling me loves me, I know he doesn’t like saying it. But I feel the love from him and I am not just kidding myself. I feel it more than from the previous boyfriend.

    Maybe be careful about telling him that you will leave him if he won’t love you back, because first of all, he might feel pressured into saying it and will say he loves you but may not mean it in order not to lose you. Or, if he feels pressured, he may tell you “OK, leave if you are not happy with what I can give you”. In order not to get hurt, some men could be building walls around their heart, and rather leave the relationship if they feel that the woman could leave them.

    @Algo…..yes, I agree with you because I have the same relationship with my current boyfriend. He also wanted to break up with me because I implied that I would leave him in an instant if he can’t give me the love I wanted. After I assured him that I was kidding and that I will always stay by his side and will not leave, he turned all around and next day he started paying more attention to me and contacting me almost every day since then. We are also in LDR, so we can’t see each other often but we try our best…..it’s about 3-hr drive.

    @Lane…..I also agree with everything you said.

    We can’t put a time-frame on “love”, and have expectations. Expectations are ruining us. The best is to be in present and enjoy each other company and quality time you have together. We also can’t put a time-frame on when we are expecting a man to propose. Everything has to come easy and naturally, even though it may time some time. But if you have a man you are very compatible with….then he is a keeper and just have a patience. Maybe keep your options open….which means that if some other guy comes around who will be loving you instantly, then go with him. But very often fast relationships don’t work in long term.

    #678737 Reply

    ana

    ‘god forbid early 40s’ I’m sorry Emma,but I think this is age discrimination. yet another post on this forum that I find so inappriopriate that I think it should be banned.

    #678779 Reply

    Rachel

    Hi, Emma I usually agree with a lot of what you say, however, you make 40 year olds sound like they should drop all standards, grab whatever they can and feel lucky about it!!! Absolutely not the case. Op, your age is irrelevant, he doesn’t feel in love after 12 months then what’s going to change? Don’t wait around for another year waiting for the other shoe to drop. I personally couldn’t stay with someone who said he didn’t love me after all that time, but if you’re not ready to leave yet then please put a time limit on it.

    #678783 Reply

    Lielah

    “god forbid, early 40’s”???? Really Emma?????

    #678786 Reply

    Laura

    Didnt realise that once you were over forty you had to grab what you could get before you start fallibg apart. I was 48 when i met my partner and i dated around a lot meeting a LOT of a@#$holes but sure as hang was not settling for any old thing just because im wearing on a bit! Get rid OP…a year is long enough to know if you love someone…

    #678792 Reply

    emcee

    thank you ladies for all your inputs! I already told him that I need to think about things, that i either accept the situation and be miserable inside or just walk away. He told me that i shouldn’t wait for the words but just look into his actions and get security from there. He sounds sincere though as he continue to keep inviting me and messaging me and telling me that it really takes time for him to really say and do things i’m expecting of him and all. I declined to his invitations and didn’t reply to his messages even if i wanted to. I’m just really confused right now

    I know that it’s now entirely up to me but i just want to really make sure of my decision. Sometimes i think that we might just have a different definition of love but i know i want to be re-assured, i want to be affirmed, i want to feel love and i want to hear it but also i don’t want to force it from him to say it. i don’t know, still torn!

    #678803 Reply

    Lacey

    I say give him more time. He sounds similar to my boyfriend who didn’t say ‘I love you’ until over a year and a mini break up! I felt the same as you, and didn’t say I love you either, but then I did start saying it, made it normal I said if, didn’t bother not hearing it back, and then one day he started saying it back.

    That fact this guy is with you, treats you well, the relationship is great as you say (other than some issues but hey every relationship has it’s issues, not one is perfect) sounds like he does love you. Well actually yeah – he loves you.

    Whatever his thought process or reasons behind it all he may see love as a lot bigger deal than what you do, and although hard to understand we are all different and perceive things differently. This is like what my boyfriend was – he loved me but didn’t know it entirely or couldn’t wrap his head around it, once he got over how ‘big’ he thought it was, it’s fine.

    Same with the love language – And affection my man was the same, his gotten better but around friends and family we don’t touch which bothers me but it’s a thing for him.

    This guy loves you, give him time, focus on what else his doing to say he loves you – eg actions, time, compliments, gifts, support. When my man would do things for me eg fix or whatever (before he said I love you) I would say to myself that’s his way of saying I love you – I still do it.

    Try it and it might help until his ready to say it. There is no rule someone has to say I love you within the first year.

    #678806 Reply

    Lacey

    Me again – I actually now feel more loved by noticingal the ways my man is saying I love you than when he actually says it. For example; he says it often now when it took him well over a year, but I got so use to being in the habit of noticing him doing things and saying to myself oh ‘that’s him saying I love you’ even little things – that those all mean more to me than him saying it. He even says now ‘you don’t notice when I say I love you!’ And I remember the time so clearly of really wanting to hear those words.

    This guy is genuine by what you say, he wants to be with you. He does love you, give him time. The fact he says clearly he doesn’t want to break up is him saying I love you, if he brings you flowers, or let’s you pick the movie or saves the last bit of chocolate for you or makes you coffee, or sends a supportive text message, or holds your hand, or kisses your forehead or whatever little things he does – they are little ‘I love you’s in their own way.

    Don’t throw away something good because your after something that you’ve been told you should have by now. As I said – who made up that he has to say I love you within a year ?

    #678807 Reply

    Lane

    Take some time to really think as this is about how YOU FEEL not what he wants you to feel where its clear as day the both of you have two different definitions and it doesn’t appear as if he’s LISTENING to what YOU WANT and should just accept what he’s offering because it all he’s capable of giving you.

    Yes, the ball is in your court—keep it the same and accept this is all your going to get from him or be with a man who’s fully capable of giving you what you need because it comes NATURALLY to him. Choice it ultimately yours.

    #678810 Reply

    Amanda


    Even if a man showed me he loved me through his actions, that wouldn’t be enough for me. I need to hear it. So if you are like that, I would indeed give him a time limit: like a few months. Really if a man knows hearing those words are important to you, he is incredibly emotionally immature if he can’t bring himself to say it. Well, either emotionally immature or not really in love with you.

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