This topic contains 47 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Harley 6 months ago.
March 16, 2017 at 12:46 pm #611360
My BF and I were in a LD relationship. However, things were always inconsistent with his behavior, so I was suspicious. We were together for 8 months. In November he announced he had leukemia and was getting treatment for it through chemo and then a stem cell transplant.
Last week I was shocked. I didn’t hear anything by text from him so I searched his name online and found out he passed away a while back. On his condolences page there were pictures of his siblings and him when he was younger.
It also showed him with his WIFE, who it looks like he just married. I could tell it was recent as he had a catheter in his neck which showed up pretty closely in the photo. So he was living with this woman all this time and never told me?
Why would he suddenly marry this woman when he was so sick and obviously near the end of his life? I don’t want to try and contact any of his family members as it appears they didn’t know about me?
Help!!March 16, 2017 at 1:34 pm #611368
Probably for financial reasons. How does it seem like it’s recent?
How often did you visit and where did you stay?March 16, 2017 at 1:37 pm #611369
Been there Done that
Whatever the reason was. That guy is dead. Now what’s the point in trying to figure things out or think badly for him. Even if he was living with this woman the whole time, what benefit are you going to get out of knowing all this? Just pray may his soul rest in peace and next time don’t have a long distant relationships.March 16, 2017 at 1:53 pm #611371
Wow I’m sorry! That must have been quite a shock!
It’s actually quite common for long term partners to quickly marry when they find out one of them is about to die. They generally want to express their love formally before the end. It could have just been a casual girlfriend though and it was for financial reasons, assuming he had life insurance and a lot of assets etc.
Clearly whatever happened he wasn’t being honest with you. Always be suspicious of a man who wants to do a LDR, especially when they’re inconsistent. Men love sex and company. A man has to be pretty serious about you, have a personality flaw or is hiding something if they’re interested in doing something so against their nature.
His friends and family haven’t met you and he hasn’t been in touch so long you didn’t know he died. This isn’t a boyfriend. It really isn’t!
I am sorry for your loss. Please don’t upset his wife and family business telling them about you. There’s no point now is there and it will just make their grief worse, especially the wife’s.March 16, 2017 at 2:00 pm #611374
This is awful. Poor guy. And all you are concerned about is why he married that woman and why he never told you about it. The title of your post says BF married, not BF dies. Clearly it is more important to you that he married and now that he actually died.
Maybe he wanted to have a little joy before he dies, maybe she asked him, maybe there were some financial considerations. What does it matter now? Have compassion for him and his relatives.
I agree, do not get involved in long distance.March 16, 2017 at 2:32 pm #611382
How could you be together if you were long distance? In the 8 months did you see each other often or was it through the internet/phone.
Unless you know the guy really well and have a solid relationship BEFORE the distance takes place, and there’s an END DATE in the near future, don’t entertain these men.
He was obviously lying to you, but he’s dead now so there’s no reason to say or do anything to upset his family. Just learn from this experience and don’t repeat it again.March 16, 2017 at 2:36 pm #611384
Thanks for the replies. He visited me here many times & I loved him. He told me recently he does love me and always will. So its confusing why he said this to me & then gets married.
I won’t contact his family due to the tremendous grief they are experiencing .
I had true & authentic feelings for him & miss him very much.
On the one hand I am furious he may have kept this from me. On the other I feel compassion. He is at peace now.
I won’t ever do long distance again!!March 16, 2017 at 2:46 pm #611388
Marlene, I can’t imagine how you’re feeling. It must be dreadful!
Just think the man you loved never existed. This man had a life you knew nothing about. That means you never really knew the real him. What you loved was the good impression he wanted to give you, not who he actually was. In effect, you’re grieving for a fantasy. It’s helped me in the past to realise this. Maybe it will help you too.March 16, 2017 at 3:09 pm #611393
I am not sure about that, Hannah. People are complex. You can love someone and be with someone else. You can love two people at once. I don’t think everything was a lie, there were some lies, but this does not mean the whole relationship was fake. And I don’t know how it would help someone to move on if you realize everything was fake. I think it is easier to accept a tragedy when you accept the complexity of things. A person who is diagnosed with a life threatening illness and who might not make it, their reasoning is different, we will never be able to understand it. I think if he said he loved her, then he did. Without knowing the circumstances of his marriage, we shouldn’t be jumping to conclusions. Yes he lied in many ways but this does not mean he didn’t love her or that everything was a lie.March 16, 2017 at 7:07 pm #611484
I’m confused… why do women think a man wants a long distance relationship? If he doesn’t already have someone else?
I must be the only smart one on here.March 16, 2017 at 7:46 pm #611510
When I first met him he was going through a divorce where he got screwed financially. He always said he hated his ex-wife for what she put him through. Find it hard to understand how he started living with someone (he wouldn’t be emotionally ready) so soon afterwards.
At any rate, if he was living with this woman, he was cheating on her and lying to me. I just also don’t understand how the “common law” wife at the time would not catch on to what he was up to. Like, we would text all day and night some days. Granted he disappeared some days but I thought he had things in his life to tend to, so just chalked up the behavior to this.
I will eventually move on from this but it was devastating and I will need to go through a grieving period. I truly loved him (fantasy or not). He kept telling me how he loved me too. Perhaps he did but can’t see why he would be living with a woman he wasn’t happy with. Why not just leave her?March 16, 2017 at 8:12 pm #611519
Cheating ??? Really ??? I can’t imagine,, and all this at a distance where you wouldn’t have a clue?March 16, 2017 at 8:24 pm #611524
“I’m confused… why do women think a man wants a long distance relationship? If he doesn’t already have someone else?”
I totally agree with you L. IMO.. FWB is BS too.March 16, 2017 at 11:29 pm #611571
There can be any number of reasons why he married someone else so suddenly. Maybe she was an on/off again girlfriend, or a long lost love that showed up when she found out he was dying. Perhaps it was just a close friend whom he wants to inherit. Why torture yourself? Remember the good parts and let it go. I know you are probably conflicted right now, but holding onto anger along with your grief will not help. Just assume that he was with truly with you but maybe she showed up at the end and they had a connection before. You’ll never know the truth anyway. Tell yourself the version of the story that makes you feel better and let it go.March 16, 2017 at 11:42 pm #611572
What I find strange is he was dying and didn’t ask his girlfriend to come and see him? I am very sorry this happened but I hope you learned the listen about distance. My guess is he had a girlfriend this whole time, and you were the on the side girl. But of course it is possible she was just a friend and he married her for financial reasons or something. Unless you want to add to this family’s grief you will probably never know.March 17, 2017 at 2:15 am #611579
I will not contact the wife or his family.
I waver between unconditional love & compassion for someone dying. And being happy someone loved and supported him during his fight with leukemia. To anger for not even contacting me days before passing to say goodbye.
In order to move on, the best way in my opinion is to adopt the former and not the hate.
And never get into long distance ever again.March 17, 2017 at 5:54 am #611596
It’s about time women understand that:
long term relationships mainly take place in their imagination!March 17, 2017 at 6:00 am #611598
*UnderstoodMarch 17, 2017 at 6:03 am #611599
*long distance.March 17, 2017 at 7:52 am #611603
Marlene this is awful for you. You said it yourself though you were suspicious and he was inconsistent. This is red flags and you should always be aware of what red flags could mean, be wary of giving away your heart and love. Good luck for the future. xMarch 17, 2017 at 1:16 pm #611743
Hi folks, thanks for all your responses.
I viewed the funeral home photos of his family and “recent marriage”. In a close up photo of their ceremony (which looked to be in the hospital chapel), I noticed his body language here. She was smiling and turned directly toward him. His body was faced forward, his head turned toward her and smiling.
I don’t what kind of relationship they had but body language to me speaks volumes.March 17, 2017 at 2:04 pm #611758
So you are thinking he didn’t want to marry her? Maybe he was jacked up on pain medication and couldn’t pose th way you thought he should? I think you need to let sleeping (or in this case dead) dogs lie.
It sucks when you find out someone was using you or playing you. But you aren’t going to help things for yourself by stalking his funeral and wedding pics online.March 17, 2017 at 4:30 pm #611790
Im sorry for your loss. No matter what people say about LDRs not being real, they are real to those in them, no matter how things turn out.
Yes things often turn out bad, but not always. I met my ex online, we chatted for a year, then decided to make the relationship “real”, met twice in 6 months, then he moved to my city. We were married for 5 years before we split up a couple of years ago.
So, Marlene, what you are feeling is real, and you are justified in what you are feeling, and in the thoughts going through your head. You are not only dealing with the loss of a loved one, but also with the feelings of betrayal. And I totally understand wanting answers. To know exactly what he was doing, and why. It can help you move on. However, circumstances are different to what is usual, as he is dead, and “the other woman” is also dealing with the loss of a loved one, and maybe you shouldnt make that worse by announcing his betrayl to her too. The fact is that he was lying to you, no matter what the reasons for his recent marriage were, as he didnt tell you about it. unfortunately, this is something you have to deal with, and will never know the answers (and to be honest, cheating lying people never really give real answers anyway, and even though you think answers will help you deal with it, it often doesnt).March 17, 2017 at 5:13 pm #611802
Thanks K8 very wise words and true. Betrayal and loss feelings are very real for me.
Whether she was a friend, ex, or recent GF, I was given impression from him we were a couple. Yes he perhaps did not want to “hurt” me. That’s why it was a secret.
Interestingly, I met him online and his profile said “living together”. He messaged me first I said no but he said gf moved out & changed profile to “divorced”.
Hence this was why I continued on with him. Very possible he lied & was with her all along.
Why can’t people be honest? Lying hurts 3x more than the truth. Going forward I fear I will have my guard up for any man.March 17, 2017 at 6:46 pm #611820
I’m guessing he never divorced with his wife