Between a rock and a hard place!! What do I do??


Home Forums Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals Between a rock and a hard place!! What do I do??

This topic contains 16 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Raven 7 months ago.

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  • #620728 Reply

    Lin

    Long story short, My boyfriend and I have been together 2 years, we have kids. I have a daughter 7, and he has a son, 2. We moved in together in a big city, one of his brothers, Lucas (27 years old) moved in with us, in the big city. Things were ok, I was starting to get sick of his attitude before we moved. We then moved to a small city where my boyfriend already owned his own home, to get out of debt. His brother Lucas followed and moved in with us, where his current brother Cory (32) already lived there with his girlfriend at the time. (They are no longer together.) She moved out a couple months ago. We’ve been in this house now for 6 months.

    Things were good for a little while, I’d say the first 2 months. The last 3 months have been extremely bad!! My boyfriend’s brother Lucas, since I told him to get a job to help out with bills, etc around here, ever since I gave him a piece of my mind (As my boyfriend wouldn’t tell him to get a job, but my boyfriend is in debt , very badly. And his brother not paying barely anything and living off welfare, is not doing him any favors, he sleeps until 2pm most days, and is lazy as they come) He doesn’t help clean around the house, he stays up until the wee hours of the morning with his t.v. blasting. (It’s right next to the kids room) He has no ambition, he doesn’t cook, or literally help in any way shape or form. Nor does his other brother Cory, they both don’t do a single thing around the house, my boyfriend and I who have kids, and work, are the ones that have to pick up the slack around here. We both cook, clean, take care of our children, and their needs and then clean up after them. Two grown adults!! Who act like children, they both can’t barely cook for the life of them, so when we make a meal they’re right there dishing up a plate, and don’t help with dishes.

    So of course like any normal human being I was sick of it! So I told him to get a job or he could get out! And instead he got mad at me and told me to leave, my own house, I say it’s part my house, as I pay a lot of the bills. And I paid for the roof to get fixed and also fixed up the bathroom and many other things. And my boyfriend agrees, it’s part my house. So that’s why he let me talk to his brother about getting a job. Anyway, he went on welfare, as he didn’t have the want or ambition to get a job. He talked to me 3 times calling me very inappropriate and unforgivable things. I never once swore at him. The second time my boyfriend warned that that behaviour wouldn’t be tolerated, and that he’d kick him out. The third time they got into a heated argument because he was picking on me for no reason, so he kicked him out. But three days later, while we were sleeping he came back.

    He’s been pretty much hiding in his room since he’s been back. He has not apologized to me for his behaviour, he really hurt me as I have done much for him in the last 6 months. I just know I wont have him shell out that behaviour in front of my daughter or my boyfriends son.

    My boyfriend doesn’t want to kick him out, as he doesn’t know where he’ll go. But he is on welfare, and I am sure he can find himself a place somewhere. On top of that both of his brothers refuse to pay more than $350 a month. I am sorry, but if they were renting from somewhere else they wouldn’t be paying that, they would pay much more. And if we had someone renting the basement we could get much more, and that would help immensely take care of our mortgage and bills. And we can put more of our money towards paying off his debt. It would truly help out the debt situation. His brothers’ are honestly contributing to it.

    I told my boyfriend however I can no longer live with the one definitely, as he called me every name in the book, and I wont live with someone that disrespects me like that. So I told him that if he doesn’t do something about it, as much as I love him and love living with him. I can’t allow myself to live with anyone like that. It’s so toxic, I feel afraid for my well being, being around his brother. The way he yelled and screamed at me, made me feel like I was living with my abusive ex again, and I promised myself I would never allow anyone to talk down to me that way, ever again!

    I talked to my boyfriends best friend and told him how bad my anxiety load has been lately and I cried because I was so upset, and literally can’t handle it anymore! I told my boyfriend and his bestfriend that if he doesn’t get these guys out of here soon I will move out on my own. As I am not going to get walked all over, and degraded. He hasn’t apologized, so clearly he isn’t going to.

    If you have any suggestions on what we might be able to do, it would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance!

    #620729 Reply

    Shannon

    Well, first of all, in order to collect welfare your boyfriend’s brother is claiming to be the head of his household. Which means he’s supposed to be living on his own, and using the money to provide for his needs…food, shelter, etc…not using the welfare money for recreation while sponging off his brother.

    So, you can threaten to turn him in. Welfare fraud is a pretty serious charge. He can go to prison for that.

    Otherwise, the only thing you can do is tell your boyfriend you need to make arrangements to move out. That you cannot leave with his brothers and it is done. It sounds like he’s acting like he’s their parent or something. They are grown men and need to get out and get jobs and start providing for themselves. He needs to shove the little birdies out of the next. If not, you’re going to have to go for your own health and sanity. And also, you don’t want your son growing up with those two losers as role models.

    #620730 Reply

    Shannon

    *nest* not next

    #620731 Reply

    Lin

    Oh and I thought of asking him to sell the house to pay off the debt, so that he can start fresh. With some of the money left over we’ll be able to start in a new home together just us and the kids. And then his brothers would have no choice but to move. And he wouldn’t exactly be kicking them out. They would just have to find somewhere to live, whether they liked it or not! We would get a place that is big enough for just the 4 of us, I guess I never told you about Cory, he’s a bit of a hoarder, and so the one whole corner is all his stuff down stairs in the basement… and it’s jam packed full! He has 6 shelves of stuff, really old stuff, from when he was in high school, that’s quite some time ago now, since he is 32 years old! Every time I clean and declutter he goes and clutters it up again! I can’t live in clutter and disorganization. I wont even go down stairs, it just makes me sick how much stuff there is, that he doesn’t need anymore, he wont even give it away.

    #620740 Reply

    Prairiegirl

    Your boyfriend is doing nothing to help this horrific messy situation. In fact he is enabling his brothers to act in these incredibly damaging ways. He’s having you be the bad guy in talking to his brothers and the only result has been them becoming hostile and calling you names. There is so much abuse that you’re afraid of one of them. . They are free loading, abusive hoarders and your bf allows that.

    It sounds like your bf is no better than his brothers. I don’t see anything good for you and your daughter if you stay with this man, no matter where you move. He’s deeply in debt and might never recover.

    Move out and move him out of your life…permanently.

    #620758 Reply

    Crisula

    Lin,

    It’s not your house…it’s not your brother.
    You need to chill out…

    You don’t like the living arrangements? Then you need to find somewhere else to live with your daughter.

    I know it sucks, but never even THINK of making a man choose between you and his family.
    not unless you have a ring on your finger…..

    If your bf really wanted Lucas out…he would have been gone already.

    #620762 Reply

    Nat

    Crisula, what’s up with you? You always take the side of men, even when they are being total jerks.

    Of course she doesn’t like the arrangement. Most people live together before getting married, not having a ring on her finger does not mean she should be used financially and abused verbally.

    Lin, you’ve put up with this and shown them that if they intimidate you enough you’d back off. Your BF is not going to take any actions until he is forced to. You need to give him an ultimatum, give your BF a deadline to have his hoarding brothers move out by a certain date and apologize to you before they leave, and if it doesn’t happen move out yourself. This is a very toxic situation for you and your son. But you are allowing it to go on. You understand that?

    #620772 Reply

    kaye

    Your boyfriend needs to be a man and step up and tell his brothers they can contribute or they can get out! If my boyfriend ever allowed his brother to yell at me and call me names and then sneak back into the house without even an apology I would question if he’s even a man I want a future with. To allow someone to disrespect me and to not have my back, especially when it’s HIS family member wouldn’t bode well for our relationship. .I would move out with my daughter and tell my boyfriend when and if he cleans up the mess he has made with is living arrangement with the brothers we could discuss moving back in together. But this whole situation would have me questioning whether he’s really man enough to face difficult situations with me in the future and take care of business even when it involves family.

    #620773 Reply

    Crisula

    Nat…not taking her boyfriends side

    Truthfully, he sounds like a wimp to me..

    But as an adult with a daughter…she has to accept the lousy living arrangement for what it is or leave.

    Isn’t that what being an independent woman is all about…walking out that door if you’re unhappy?

    Besides…not a very pleasant environment for her child.

    Furthermore, I choose the side of who I feel is in the right…based on the limited, one sided information that we are given by a poster.

    I’m not gender biased…if I feel the woman is wrong..I’ll say it..

    #620779 Reply

    Sam

    It’s not your house and he is not your husband, you are a tenant just like his brothers, if you go along with paying while they don’t, that’s your problem.

    This is why if you are going to play being married, you should at least set some ground rules that you can both stick to.

    My biggest concern is th disaster situation you have put your child into. It wouldn’t even be a question in my mind to move out if th environment is that toxic.

    I think you should move out and then reassess this situation. His brothers are family. You are not. It’s his job to set limits on what they do and he hasn’t. He can’t deal with crazy nflict and defers to you, yet you don’t gen own th house. You are a renter just like his brothers.

    #620787 Reply

    Nicky

    This is major bad news and you are pretty much in a no-win situation. Enough is enough and if it were me I’d take my daughter and move out, and let my BF know that I’d be happy to consider resuming the relationship when he has his family stuff sorted out. It’s not a good environment for you or your daughter. Your BF is in a very difficult position and he needs to be free to make choices. Good luck, this is a tough one.

    #620798 Reply

    redcurleysue

    These boys never grew up. As long as your BF tolerates it then it will go on and on.

    It is a hard step but I would move out…get on with my and my child’s life and evaluate.

    I think you will see that you do not want to go back and you can get a better BF.

    #620848 Reply

    Marina

    I would have taken my daughter and moved the heck outta there by now. I would not put up with that at all.

    #620915 Reply

    carlotta

    Lin, I do want to say that I appreciate that you are giving your BF good advice. If he is that badly in debt, he MUST sell the house and rent while he gets his debt under controlling, throwing every spare cent at the smallest debt and minimum payments on the others until he has paid everything off. He also needs to live on a strict budget to know where every penny is going until his debt is taken care of. If he sells the house the other debts will be easier to manage.

    The key here though is that he cannot clean up his life unless he gets rid of his brothers. As Shannon mentioned, they are right on the edge of committing welfare fraud, and welfare is not supposed to be a lifestyle, rather a tool that allows someone to live while they find employment and get themselves established, so even if they are not doing anything illegal they are abusing the money.

    But as others have said, you need to have a talk with your boyfriend and tell him that you love him and want to help him rebuild his life and build one together, but that the two of you will never be able to do that as long as his brothers are disrupting your lives. Tell him that you are going to move out while he makes his decision about what to do because you can’t continue on in that situation for the peace of mind and health and safety of yourself and your daughter.

    If he loves you and cares about building a life with you, it will not be long before he decides to do something about the situation (principally, selling the house).

    #620926 Reply

    Lane

    Agree with Sam, you and your daughters are TENANTS where he can evict you, so stop acting like its your house as you have no legal rights or ownership to it and need to stop treating it like you do!

    If he wants his leeching brothers to live there ITS HIS RIGHT TO DO SO, and if you don’t like it YOU ARE FREE to walk out that door at any time! Your threats are NOT WORKING so the only way to get a man’s attention is TO DO SOMETHING, such as packing up your stuff up and finding a safer and healthier living environment for you and especially YOUR DAUGHTER.

    As a her mom its your legal obligation to put HER safety and welfare first above ALL OTHERS and if you can’t do that and continue to allow her to reside in this dysfunctional family unit then I truly question your ability to properly mother.

    #620945 Reply

    SthrnBelle

    As much as you may not like it agree with Lane wholeheartedly. I am sorry OP but this is an objective opinion, legally and realistically right. You have no rights here since you two are not married, perhaps I was thinking, thank God! I would leave this guy because honestly he is no better than his brothers as he is allowing them to do this to you and all of you. If he is so much in debt, perhaps the entire gang of them is a bunch of losers, sorry to say. Has the guy ever promised you any sort of commitment? Sorry but you need to go. Leave and never look back. If your BF gets his act together, then that is a different story. No more threats, only move out.

    #620967 Reply

    Raven

    You have a choice…
    Live with the hillbillies, as charming as they sound -or move on.

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