Best friends who like each other but can’t date

OK, so some of this is brought on by your reaction to possibly “losing him” to another woman.

As in, you struggle to find yourself physically attracted (and that holds you back), but when you see that he’s physically dating other women, you are upset by that.

So part of this is your reaction. You have a reaction to him dating other women. So is it him or is it your reaction that makes you doubt your decision not to get together with him?

On the other hand… if he’s a “yes”, then he’s a tentative yes.

When you’ve had him, you don’t feel attracted. It’s not a huge, crazy, amazing awesome yes. It’s a yes… unless you have him… then you don’t really want him… but if you don’t have him then maybe you do.

Stop and think about the silliness of that.

This doesn’t have much to do with him, it would seem… but rather, with how you feel when you have something versus when you don’t and might “lose” your opportunity to.

So I look at your situation differently.

It’s either:

1) You like that he’s there as a placeholder. You have this guy who you have a comfortable friendship and closeness with. You’re dating men, but you feel like you have a placeholder to fall back on if things don’t work out. This gives you a feeling of comfort and security.

In reality, this could actually be giving you the worst of both worlds.

On the one hand, you date these other men and you’re half-hearted about it. You know you have an option to fall back on, so you’re not really engaged in trying to evolve anything with these new men.

And it’s difficult to form a connection, comfort and rhythm with you that compares to a long-time friend. That typically takes some time to develop for most people. If you’re not as open as the guy you’re on the date with (because you have a placeholder waiting), then you might not really show up enough for a new connection to start.

And then, meanwhile, while these new connections are being dilluted, the man in the placeholder role isn’t good enough for you either. After all, if he was, he wouldn’t be your placeholder.

So that’s one possible view.

2) Another view is that the placeholder is the guy you would do well with because you have an emotional connection. And these days, one of the biggest reasons that long term relationships fail is because there isn’t a strong emotional connection there at the foundation. So in relationship terms, the emotional connection is worth a lot and shouldn’t be discounted.

That doesn’t mean the attraction side is nothing though. If he really can’t do it for you in terms of physical attraction, that’s not going to change unless you deliberately change it yourself. I’m not a woman, I’m not in your situation and I’m not you, so only you will know if that’s realistic or possible.

If it’s not, though, then support him meeting other women. You can be friends, but if you can’t be together then you’re not doing either of you a favor by imagining he’s any kind of relationship placeholder. It will only limit him and limit you too.