Argument with boyfriend


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This topic contains 23 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Crisula 4 months ago.

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  • #612557 Reply

    Newbie

    Hi all, as some know im living with my bf for a certain amount of time because i want to find out if we are really compatible,seeing that we are so different. I would have to relocate to another country to be with him, so i cant take things lightly. So this whole thing may sound futile, but i would like some opinions
    Anyway, i got in a weird argument with him. He is the guy that likes to be liked by all the guys. I found out that one guy (we both dont like) made a bad comment about me and he just laughed about it. I found out through him. So i said thats not nice. I know you dont agree, but why do you made it look like you agree? First he got defensive saying well im not telling you things anymore and then said ‘you know i dont think about you like that, so stop. Which wasnt the point. I was mad but let it rest for a while, but later i realized he was trying to change the subject and make it about me. So this morning i said, i still dont like what happened but i want it off my chest and get it over with. I really think that the way you reacted was lame towards me but in stead of admitting that, you made it look like i dont have confidence in you or myself. Plus i made a comment how he acts in a guy crowd: that he is too eager too please. The response i got was, well ok, thats one more thing you can be mad about (im hardly ever mad at him). So i answered ok you dont like criticism, neither do i but i can say sorry if i have offended someone.
    So im not sorry about what i said fo him, but it doesnt get me anywhere. He has poor fighting resolutions and im verbally way stronger than he is (and im careful with that). But im really not happy with this outcome so far. I wanted him to acknowledge how his actions make me feel in this case.
    So what now? Or am i being fussy?

    #612560 Reply

    carlotta

    It would help to know the specific comment. We all need to be able to laugh at ourselves once in awhile. Was what the friend said intended as a light-hearted rib at your bf? Men tend to like to joke with one another, and especially men with single friends will sometimes have their single friends tease them about their gf when they are in a relationship. He obviously didn’t consider it as much more than a joke, especially if he told you about it. Maybe he thought you would find it funny or only get playfully mad? What was the comment and context?

    #612561 Reply

    Newbie

    That guy called me an idiot. Bf said he laughed because he felt it was supersilly since he is the idiot
    Bf just said sorry

    #612562 Reply

    Newbie

    It was in a group of guys. Lets just say they are not very high educated

    #612563 Reply

    carlotta

    This is honestly something I would probably just shrug off. Especially if the reason your boyfriend laughed is more because he thought it was ridiculous and not because it was true. Who cares what his friends say? Especially if they don’t know you well. You aren’t dating his his friends, you are dating him.

    #612564 Reply

    L

    Why are you living with an idiot?

    #612572 Reply

    Newbie

    Lol L, thats my question. Is he?
    Im going with Carlotta for now. Venting helps. Yeah im sensitive with that group of people, because they tend to put people down and brag about themselves etc. Boys locker room mentality

    #612575 Reply

    Sam

    The bigger question I would have is this. Why did he feel the need to tell you?

    Without proper context it’s difficult to know whether or not you should be mad or let it go. My guess is that if this man cares for you he didn’t think it was something bad.

    Men sometimes say things they think are funny and bomb on it. If the man is living with you and serious, I doubt he was trying to make you feel bad. Many times we can be overly sensitive. Since you were not there, I would just let it go.

    #612579 Reply

    Newbie

    Sam, he didnt tell me directly. I could deduct what happened from a few things he said combined lol. Honestly im not thinking of making a big deal out of this situation. But it made me think about his spine and how he acts with poor peer pressure. It was a turn off. Im nothing like that. I speak up

    #612582 Reply

    Sam

    I think you need to get out of your own head… you are looking for problems. Which says to me there are biggger issues than his male friend insulting you, this isn’t going to work. You don’t trust him.

    #612595 Reply

    Newbie

    Yeah im posting to get it out of my head. I dont think it was about trust but more about feeling heard when i say something that i dont appreciate. And that got me nowhere.
    But i do think its about trust too and being insecure. These group of guys are brutal when it comes to how they talk a out women. I can handle it but sometimes the question ‘will this affect how he feels about me’ does creep in my mind. This was part of it. Anyway my head is clear now

    #612597 Reply

    Sam

    I have never been with a man that has done this. That I know of.. so I get your angst. It makes you wonder what he says behind your back that you don’t know.

    But I still say this is a symptom of a bigger issue. Because if you trusted how he felt about you, this would be water off your back.

    #612606 Reply

    Newbie

    Yeah i think you are right. It has to do with our differences. He is a working class guy, i have 2 master degrees. His natural preference is high maintenance USA girls while im euro natural lol who doesnt even know how to put all that make up on. Im a few years older. I never been in an environment where everything is so oversexualized or been around guys that talk about women like that. If someone calls me an idiot im his présence, they may as well say im ugly too.
    He actually doesnt do anything to make me doubt him. He is the sweetest teddy bear guy i ever been with. But the cultural differences got to me today

    #612607 Reply

    Nat

    Newbie, this is not a cultural difference. You are consciously going towards denial. I am not saying it is a dealbreaker, but it is an issue. What kind of company does he keep? Calling someone’s GF an idiot? And he is ok with that and making it YOUR problem? Maybe they are roughnecks with foul mouth and don’t mean harm but then do you want to be always dealing with roughneck’s issues?

    If you want to shrug it off this time, next time do not tell him what he’s done, tell him how it made you FEEL. Also tell him he deserves better friends who’d respect him. Shift from accusations, albeit the right ones, to letting him understand YOU WERE HURT. Most men would not want to hurt a woman, especially their GF. But many are dumb and insensitive to understand what they are doing, and he maybe one of them.

    There is a major incompatibility between you two. You are not on the same level, he is under- and you are over- . This already shows but in time it will grow into bigger issues.

    If there is real love between you two you can manage, but both parties need to work on things. If he is not willing or not capable you’d have no choice but to leave him, if not now, then 5 years from now. Decide if you want to waste your time.

    #612615 Reply

    Kathy

    Time has always proved for me what Nat just said.

    #612635 Reply

    Hannah

    Some people are just non-confrontational. He may not have liked what his friend said, but if he’s anything like me, he would have just said “erm you’re the idiot” in his head, rather than caused a problem.

    I’m not sure if this is culture or just certain men being men. I’ve had exes that were a bit like that here in the UK.

    Forget the high maintenence thing. Seriously I don’t know a man who would like that for his future wife. For a FWB or short term girlfriend yes, but you get to see the woman in all her glory when you live with someone. Men can be totally horrified when all that fake comes off and they’re waking up next to a not very attractive woman who looks nothing like they imagined she did. Don’t ever feel bad for being a natural Euro girl!

    It’s good to critically assess this relationship and have doubts. I think this is just a little shake in your confidence about the relationship. Unless he’s spending too much time with these guys and putting them before you, etc.

    #612647 Reply

    Newbie

    Hi all, i really appreciate the input and different angles. Im not im denial, i have my eyes wide open when it comes to viewing us as a long standing couple. That team is a sports team and he hates how they talk now. In the past that was probably different.
    Comptability is my most important issue. Although we also never really have issues about it. We respect each others opinions. And we can make fun of each other. Its the strange love/mental connection that really wants me to give it a try.
    And Yes Hannah you are right. I shouldnt be embarrashed about not being all polished up lol.
    Nat i understand what you are saying but i dont feel under or over, just different. In the past i had bf similar to my background and for different reason that didnt work out. Now im more in a simple life and what i deeply appreciate is him and me spending so much time. He makes a good living but is not af all in a career rat race which leaves lots of toom to do fun things. I would have never thought i would go for that and it certainly creates bumbs like having arguments or how to expres feelings etc. Anyway, work in progress

    #612650 Reply

    Lane

    If you know how these men talk, especially about women, then I wouldn’t take it personally and know its smack talk (locker room). He didn’t agree with the guy but didn’t make a big stink over it either because like you said he isn’t confrontational and if causes issues these guys will abandon him.

    If you want to get you BF back, confront the guy who said it “so you think I’m an idiot huh”, then your BF will be berated for being a narc. Or just let it go.

    #612651 Reply

    Sam

    What I don’t get is how did this even come up? If it was guys talking… why would he tell you?

    #612663 Reply

    Newbie

    Lol lane, im not going to do that. I dont care what he thinks of me. Sam, i dont remember exactly but there was a text from a buddy (nice one) mentioning that, that showed up on his phone when he showing me something.

    #612667 Reply

    Sam

    I’m pretty high maintenance and live in US. I can’t imagine a guy telling me this, but maybe it’s cultural.

    #612677 Reply

    alia

    One thing I’ve learned working with all men is that there is a hierarchy to a male pack. Your boyfriend is a bit below this other guy in this hierarchy would be my guess. I would not pay any mind to this, for now. If this keeps happening, I would ask why my bf feels like he has to suck up to this particular guy.

    #612759 Reply

    Harley

    I’d cut this guy slack. .From what I can deduce from the way you’ve told the story.

    I’m more concerned overall. ..that you’re not compatible.

    #612773 Reply

    Crisula

    Newbie,
    I think why he brought it up to you, was solely because he felt like an ass for not defending his girlfriend, and instead chose to go along with the ‘joke’ to fit in with the guys.

    Probably bothered him, felt pissed off with himself, and he ran it by you because of his guilt.

    I’m not justifying him not speaking up for you, but I think it was more to do with being liked, than him agreeing with that jerk that you’re an idiot.

    You reacted appropriately, and I bet he’ll think twice about letting those guys say anything disrespectful about you again.

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