AM I overthinking?


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This topic contains 27 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Shannon 6 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #620741 Reply

    Amy

    I have posted before about my bf with a very close female friend and colleague of his. Can’t remember when my last post was I think it was about one month ago, bf and I were travelling and I noticed them chatting as early as 8am! But I tried not to show insecurity by not bringing it up. This Tuesday he invited me to his company’s social club dinner and I saw her there too. We had a friendly chat. After dinner bf dropped her off at her place and before she left he offered to pick her up to work in the morning (which I thought was over-friendly as he had to drive extra distance to get to her place). She said thanks but she would be going with her boyfriend.

    The next day he came home late and told me he dropped her off home after work. I didn’t say anything.

    Last night (Friday) I went out with a group of ladies we had dinner. At 9pm I rang my bf intending to ask if he could give me ride home but he didn’t pick up his phone so I walked back home. Then I got a message from him saying he’s heading home. He came home looking a bit drunk, told me that he went out drinking with this female friend. I was feeling very uncomfortable hearing this. He sensed it and told me that he would never have a sexual relationship with her. He told me that she got quite drunk and telling him about her relationship problems and he is just a friend there to listen and give advice. He repeatedly promised me that I am the only one he loves. Then he just fell asleep which was strange I rarely saw him being that tired.

    I fell asleep too but woke up in the mid of night feeling very bothered by the amount of interactions they have. Am I overthinking? I don’t want to look jealous or insecure, I also understand he needs friends but I can’t get over the fact that they go out drinking so often and chat online so much…..

    #620745 Reply

    MariaTheOriginal

    I don’t think you are overthinking. Of course, it could be that nothing at all is going on, but it is high-risk behavior for two friend of the opposite sex, one of who is having “realtionship problems” to be spending lots of time together alone drinking.

    One of my closest friends is male. However my BF knows I have NO INTEREST IN HIM WHATSOEVER. We do spend time together, but I keep making it clear to my BF that I HAVE NO INTEREST IN HIM WHATSOEVER. That being said, if my BF ever said hey I’m really not comfortable with you and C. doing x, y, z, I would change my behavior is a second. No, I wouldnt not be friends with him, but I would make boundaries clearer, whatever it took to make my BF feel ok.

    At this point, I feel you are well within reason to say something like “so, I would never want to tell you what to do, or try to control you but I do need to go on record saying that it makes me feel very uncomfortable when you go out drinking alone with X, and the drop her off at home. I’m not saying anything is going on, or telling you what to do, I’m letting you know that it makes me worry and makes me feel uncomfortable”.

    A guy that really loves you will recognize that there is no reason to make you feel sad/uncomfortable/inseucure. He can easily change his plans with her from drinking at night and dropping her off, to meeting for breakfast or including others in plans. He can still have his friendship and make some adjustments to make you feel better. I believe he should. His response will tell you a LOT about how much you mean to him. I truly believe this. Best of luck

    #620768 Reply

    Nat

    I remember your post from before, you did not listen to any of the advice given to you THEN it seems, so I don’t know why you are here again. To get more advice that you won’t follow?

    #620781 Reply

    Crisula

    yes…I remember you too

    I told you back then that she wants you gone, and is out to sabotage your relationship.

    You’re bf is STILL putting her needs before yours..

    You know all this…yet you choose to stay.
    Nothing any of us can advise you to do

    other than wake up and walk out

    #620783 Reply

    L

    No one ever takes th advice on here, do they?

    #620818 Reply

    Raven

    Ask Him:
    You can give _____ (name inserted here), but you can’t take my call, so I don’t have to walk home …?

    #620822 Reply

    Ashley

    Walk away. No matter what you say or do, it’s not going to make him stop wanting to spend time with her. In fact it may push him closer to her. Leave this guy, or get more of the same.

    #620823 Reply

    MariaTheOriginal

    I guess I missed the other thread. If the rest of your relationship is good I believe this warrants a discussion as I said above.

    #620829 Reply

    Miss_Aspiring

    Wow, I’m really sorry to say this, but I was in a very similar situation. My (now ex) bf was super close “as friends” with his female coworker. She vented to him about her relationship issues, too. They texted each other a lot. I honestly didn’t suspect anything since I thought my bf and I were happy together.

    He left me for her. Then he married her. I’m just saying, I see a lot of similarities here. You have cause for concern… at best.

    #620830 Reply

    Miss_Aspiring

    Wow, I’m really sorry to say this, but I was in a very similar situation. My (now ex) bf was super close “as friends” with his female coworker. She vented to him about her relationship issues, too. They texted each other a lot. I honestly didn’t suspect anything since I thought my bf and I were happy together.

    He left me for her. Then he married her. I’m just saying, I see a lot of similarities here. You have cause for concern… at best.

    #620838 Reply

    Ashley

    To be brutally honest, what’s happening is probably: he prefers her over you & is only with you because she has a bf. If he was in love with you, he wouldn’t prioritize her over you. He’s probably just waiting for her to ditch her guy. He’s being her shoulder to cry on, the reason he’s helping her with her problems so much is he wants to swoop in & be the first to snatch her up. But incase she stays with the guy, he’ll stay with you, that’s why he says he loves you. Words vs actions…actions are the real story. That’s what is usually going on with something like that. At best case scenario he enjoys her company more than he does yours.

    #620841 Reply

    Marina

    I would have a big problem with this. The fact that you had to walk home and he didn’t answer his phone because he was out drinking with her is just not okay. I wouldn’t even be able to pretend to be okay with that. Even if they don’t have a sexual relationship, it’s not okay for a guy in a relationship to spend that much time with another female. I would talk to him about it and tell him it makes you feel uncomfortable.

    #620853 Reply

    Amy

    Hi thanks for your posts. in particular MariaTheOriginal, I think
    I will take your advice and say these things to my bf when I get a chance tonight.

    I was not annoyed that he didn’t take my call, I was OK to walk home myself but I was annoyed that they went out drinking and both got drunk.

    Update:

    After I posted this morning (Saturday) I talked to my bf (hadn’t seen the feedback on this forum at that point) and he promised that he will not go out drinking with her alone in future.i.e they will always go with others present.

    I agreed this because I can’t really tell him to unfriend her. It’s impossible.

    He swore to me that he is not sexually interested in her. My instincts tell me to trust him so I did. However I still don’t trust her (she has cheated on her bf before). Anyway, my bf and I had a relaxed time on Saturday morning, chatting and went out for a drive. While we were having lunch he got a message and then he told me that this female friend has just asked for help with her computer and he asked her to drop by at our place later. On hearing this my good mood just completely vanished. I am really annoyed with this woman. Why can’t she give him a break? I feel she is seeking too much attention from him. I am totally OK with him helping friends, but when it’s her, I am very sensitive.

    #620854 Reply

    Amy

    I guess my real question is: how much interaction is healthy between opposite sex friends? working together, drinks after work and everyday texting…. is it acceptable considering she has a bf and he has a gf?

    #620856 Reply

    Marina

    Amy, no. It is not acceptable at all. It should not be happening. It’s just weird. He shouldn’t even want to spend that much time on/with her. It would bother the hell out of me. In fact, this is reminding me a little bit of my ex-boyfriend five years ago. We were living together and he was constantly texting this girl he went to high school with (she had a bf, but her bf was in jail, so she was “lonely”). It bothered me because she would constantly text him every day, all day long… Even though it was innocent, as he claimed, and would voluntarily show me their entire conversation on his phone (I never asked to see it), it bothered me because we would be spending time together on the couch watching a movie or out to dinner, and she is texting him and he is texting her back… while spending time with ME. It bothered me that he was giving her attention while we were together. Even if it truly was innocent. I actually contacted her on Facebook messenger one day and very kindly asked her to put herself in my shoes and see it from my perspective and not spend so much time texting MY boyfriend. She did understand and stopped… And then my boyfriend got mad at me for it.

    We ended up breaking up shortly after because I caught him sexting married girls in the middle of the night when I was asleep. His excuse would be, “she’s married and lives in another state, it’s not like I could ever get her”. Jackass.

    #620857 Reply

    Marina

    I just think that if your boyfriend truly loved you, he wouldn’t even be interested in spending so much time with this girl or texting her. Plus, it’s disrespectful to you.

    #620903 Reply

    carlotta

    I think this is more about her than him, based on what little information we have. I think she is having relationship problems and he is giving her the kind of attention she is seeking that she is not getting from her bf. I really do believe that your bf is just trying to be a friend to her, I do not think he is interested in her (if she was a male, none of this behavior would bother you, would it?). But I do think that she is very interested in him. I don’t know if she is quite trying to sabotage your relationship, but I think that she is being very self-centered and only focusing on her emotional needs right now, and she is using your bf to fulfill them. She may even be interpreting his behavior as meaning more than he intends it to.

    The problem is that you have now had multiple conversations with him and he has been reassuring each time, and has even agreed to not see her alone for drinks. I think at some point you will have to decide to trust him. The next time you talk to him, as I see that this will continue to be a topic of conversation, I would make sure that you make it more about HER behavior than his. And I would simply pose him direct questions: “Do you think she has feelings for you? Do you think that she is trying to use you to fill in the gaps where she’s having relationship problems? Do you think that if she was happy in her relationship she would be so focused on you?” This will allow him to open up his thoughts on the matter and not feel like accusations.

    The other question I have is, before you were in a relationship, is this how they were? Meaning, when he was single, did he do the exact same things with her? If they saw each other with the same frequency when he was single, and nothing ever happened between them, I would say that he is most likely definitely not interested in her or he would have made a move then when he was available.

    #620907 Reply

    Deena

    I don’t get it. This forum doesn’t allow you to update a post once you save it. So how is it you say that you are going to talk with him later in the day, but then two sentences later say you now have an update based on that talk?

    And why do you keep asking the same question over and over again? No one agrees this is a platonic friendship.

    #620950 Reply

    Ashley

    So he promised to not go out alone with her but now she needs something fixed? How convenient. Honestly it’s him not her. Girls usually want to think well of the bf & blame the other girl. But he’s the one who is doing this. If he didn’t want so much interaction with her, it wouldn’t be happening. If he didn’t want it, he’d say I’m hanging with my gf, I’ll talk to you later. He would not be texting her while with tou, trust me. A guy can have 10 girls throwing themselves at him but not budge if he’s dedicated. This is cleae as day to me. I think he tells you what you want to hear & you believe him cause you want to stay with him but it seems he finds her way more interesting. I’d leave him for the walking thing because that tells it all.

    #620951 Reply

    Ashley

    You* clear* sorry typos

    #620955 Reply

    Lane

    I would not tolerate this one bit!

    I would snatch his phone and respond to her myself “I am trying to spend some quality time with MY BOYFRIEND, can you please give us a break! Thank you!”

    if he has an issue with that then I would tell him “date her then since you like to spend so much god damn time with her anyway!” I have no problem calling men, or women, out on their crap.

    #621042 Reply

    Amy

    Hi ladies,

    To answer Deena’s confusion, I guess it’s the time zone differences here as I live in the Southern hemisphere.

    After a few talks with bf I agree with Carlotta here that he is not interested in her sexually. Initially I had doubts on the nature of their relationship because they interacted lots on daily basis, but now after he repeatedly reassures me I do believe that at least their conversations are nothing across the boundary.

    However what bothers me is how often they chat. For example, this morning (Sunday) 8am bf and I were in bed, awake, he was reading news on his phone and I saw a message popped up from this woman. I was furious with her. I don’t understand why she had to text him at 8am on Sunday morning. I told my bf so, and he said that she only texted him regarding some work issue. He said he can’t stop her texting him. He said she did nothing wrong and I’m giving myself stress.

    I was really upset. I was upset that she texts him so much and he doesn’t see it being a problem. He also responds immediately.

    #621043 Reply

    Maria

    Hmmm…. I disagree that he can’t stop her from texting him— at least so often. All he has to do is say something like “I really value our friendship X, but my girlfriend is starting to get uncomfortable with how often you are texting me, for example, we were in bed on Sunday morning sharing some couple time, and I don’t want her to feel insecure, so we need to dial it back”.

    I had to do a version of this with my male friend C. He was kinda…all over my on SM. My BF KNOWS i’m not interested in him, but kept saying, yeah, but he’s interested in YOU. I asked C. to tone it down. he understood and he is a good friend and cares for me and wants me to be happy and my BF is what makes me happy.

    It seems to me that he really needs to have an open, honest conversation with his friend about some boundaries. Let him blame it on you! Who cares as long as the worrying behavior stops and you can get back to being happy together.

    #621065 Reply

    Raven

    He doesn’t have to respond…

    #621071 Reply

    Amanda

    Well you have asked him to change and he clearly refuses. It is silly to think he can’t ask her to text less or not respond to her, he can do both these things and he is choosing not to. So now you have a choice: you can decide you are willing to live with this as part of the reltionship or you can leave him. If you choose the former just let it go, accept it, you have done all you can and you decided he was worth it in spite of the unpleasantness of dealing with her in your reltionship. Don’t punch at the wind.

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