Am I overreacting


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  • #371187 Reply
    Wendy

    I have been dating this guy for 3 months now. Everything started out great and it was instant attraction. Being with him was like being with an old shoe. He pursued me like hot cakes and swooped down and swept me off my feet but I still kept it cool. And then it happen….he told me he was “in love with me.” He had told me a couple of week earlier that he thought he was falling in love with me and then about a week and half ago he told me he was in love with me. And I admit I feel the same but was waiting for him to say it first and he did so I told him I felt the same way. At this point we were seeing each other about 2-3 times a week and he was finding time in his busy schedule to see me but then something now seems different. After he told me he was in love with me I had a big class reunion that weekend. He could not go with me because of work and to be honest I wanted to go by myself and hang out with my old friends I haven’t seen for years. He texted me here and there throughout the night and told me to stay away from the old boyfriends because I was his, etc….and I told him he had nothing to worry about. Well the reunion weekend came and went and because of schedules I couldn’t see him til the following Friday so that was about 8 days without seeing each other. But we texted and called that whole time and he kept telling me how much he missed me etc. This was last Friday.

    Well Friday came and he came over to supposedly “spend the whole day” with me but once he got there he told me had to leave much earlier than anticipated because he had to take his son somewhere. I found out that evening that he had lied but really went to go play golf. I was livid to say the least….and we had our first real argument but I decided to give him a second chance but told him if he did it again that was it.

    The problem is he has seemed distant since the reunion weekend. I could tell he was a little jealous and worried about me going. He is still texting everyday but it isn’t like he was and I’m not getting the sweet “I miss you” “I can’t wait to see you” texts but he is texting and telling me how his day is, calling me babe, etc. But something just seems different and he hasn’t made any motion to see when we can get together this week. I know hes working a lot and his ex wife is giving him a hard time and I’m trying to play it cool and not push but encourage but it is so hard. He said the I love you first I didn’t and now it feels like he wants to pull away. Am I overthinking? Am I overreacting?

    I will add since he hasn’t made any attempts to make plans with me this week I have made plans tonight and Thursday night with the girls. Am I freaking out too soon….I mean he is texting and contacting me just in a different way. ugh!!

    #371190 Reply
    Lane

    Hi wendy.

    You’ve passed into a different phase of your relationship which is very normal. Once a man commits he starts pulling back a bit to slow down and normalize the pace as they transition into a more comfortable and secure position with you. One they “have you” so to speak, they don’t need to exert the same amount of time energy as they did when “wooing you” and start re-exerting some of that energy and time into the areas of their life that they had been neglecting during the initial honeymoon phase, which is what you should be doing too.

    Just follow his pace, don’t freak out or go into crazy mode, get back to doing some of the things you had been neglecting too and continue to be the normal, happy, carefree woman that he fell in love with. I liken the honeymoon phase to a new puppy where you dote and lavish it with attention, but as its start getting older, independent and more comfortable with you and its surroundings you devote less and less time attention but you don’t love it any less than you did in the beginning—same concept.

    #371194 Reply
    Amy

    Lane, you say they (men) pull back once you get to a certain level in a relationship. My current bf has definitely done that. Never texts me during the day I text him gm 2 days a week before he goes to work and I get nothing back. I texts me gn and I always text him back. We spend 5 nights a week together. Typically at his place. There are days that I don’t contact him at all waiting for him to contact me. And I end up calling him. We spend outlet entire weekends together so there isn’t much texting or calling. Unless I’m home and he is doing something. But he never texts me back or it’s hours later and he doesn’t answer the phone. When I am with him he keeps his phone on silent. Not sure if he does when I’m not there. It pisses me off but I don’t say much. Then I think there isn’t anyone else b/c we are always together and the 2 nights a week I work my 2nd job he comes in and sees me and eats. So we basically see each other 7 days a week. Been seeing each other pretty much almost a year. Just wish I knew if he loved me. I told him I loved him and he said that’s a pretty big word. And I said yes I know. I overanalyze things way too much. Just wanted to know your thoughts. Has he pulled back on the calling and texting b/c we are in that comfortable stage and he knows I’m not going anywhere?

    #371225 Reply
    Ivy

    Dear Wendy, So he says he’s in love with you, you have time apart, then when he can see you to spend time after time apart he lies to you so he can spend more time apart, and now he isn’t even initiating time to see you?

    Hmmmmm…. that does sound like pulling away and it could be related to his work and stress with his ex, but his behavior is a little mehhhhhh…..not impressive. In fact, you sound awesome, completely un-needy, making your own plans with friends, not waiting around and letting him know his lie was unnaccetable,,,,, 3 months is super ealy on and he should still be wooing you.

    So what do do? Continue what you are doing. But remember that this is your time to determine if he has the character, values, and compatibility that would make a great match for you. The minute you get overly focused on how he feels about you, rather than you sitting back and assessing his efforts and fit for you, you put yourself into needy mode. Stay your confident self, let him be, see what he brings, and he needs to bring it, A game, nothing less.

    To be honest, I don’t like the lie he told, I like that you communicated it to him assertively but that little lie is a little turn-off especially at 3 months into a relationship when a man is supposed to be on his absolutely BEST behavior. Keep your eyes and ears out on that one, cause if he feels he has to lie to keep you happy but get his needs met then that’s more than a little lie as it might mean he isn’t being fully honest about his feelings, and/or doesn’t trust that he can be honest with you which signals communication issues.

    #371229 Reply
    Ivy

    I just want to add that I think 3 months is too early on to get into comfortable mode, I mean you don’t even know someone till at least 1 year of dating so a man who pulls away and stops wooing so soon, well, that’s just not bringing his A game. The best relationships I’ve had the man wooed me years into the relationships… not months and then stop. I am not saying you need to expect hollywood fake romance, but I think 3 months and just stating you are in love, that’s when the match is just getting lit, not when the match is dying down, at least not for long term relationship potential’s sake.

    #371235 Reply
    Wendy

    Ok I have one of you telling me this is natural for a man and another telling me its odd that he is not initiating time together. I agree about the lie and I must admit that I’m now in the “don’t trust it mode” since I learned he told it. Yeah men are going to lie sometimes do do things like play golf but not want to upset their woman and I am willing to give a second chance since we all make mistakes but I can still feel him pulling back some since the lie and I don’t know why. He hasn’t stop texting….pretty much communicating throughout most of the day…but its just whats being said. But both of you do tell me to kinda pull back myself and just not worry and keep doing “my thing” When he texts I’m not saying anything ugly or mean, just listening and I must admit being a little aloof but not too bad.

    Ivy I do understand what you are saying about the love thing but I do see he loves me….a lot. I do….at least it is apparent we are both falling in love and mistakes do happen. When he lied to me I asked him, “What do you want from me?” and he said “to be with me.” I don’t know what to do…..I really don’t.

    #371237 Reply
    Wendy

    Since the “I love yous” have been exchanged should I ask what the problem seems to be or jut let it ride.

    #371241 Reply
    Lady T

    Hi Wendy :)

    I say let it ride. You just exchanged I love yous, you caught him in a lie and had your first argument. A little bit of space might be good right now. See what happens and maybe bring it up eventually if things don’t change. This time next week, things might look totally different. Who knows! Time will tell. xo

    #371242 Reply
    Lane

    Hi Wendy.

    Each guy is different where some can be extra romantic and some simply don’t have a romantic bone in their body. I found the overly romantic guys to be far too needy so I normally didn’t get past the 3 month mark with them. I personally prefer the slow eddies, a little bit here and there to remind me they love me, but not so much that we have to be together or do everything with each other ALL the time!

    If you KNOW he loves you then what’s the real issue—texting? Stop demanding he text like you do, because if you get riled up over small stuff like this then you’re going to find more and more which will turn into resentment like it is now and that’s not a good way to start our a relationship. I personally HATE TEXTING nor do I live on my phone in fact I too shut it down because if you’re obsessed with it then you’re missing out on life.

    If you’re not happy with certain things then express it to him in a calm manner because guys SUCK at clues. You have to be straightforward and direct with them, like you did when you caught him in a lie because men cannot read minds and and doubly suck at understanding woman’s emotions no differently than women don’t understand why men do what they do. You need to learn how to effectively communicate (talk) and resolve conflicts or you will have difficulty in this or any furture relationship.

    Get some books on how to communicate with men because they speak to us like they would a man and we speak to them like we do with women which is why we don’t always understand what the other is really saying or meaning because we really do speak in different ways. Additionally the art of negotiation is a key skill that will help you not only in personal relationships but professional one’s too as is conflict resolution. So arm you self with the proper tools and you’ll find navigating your way through relationships to be a lot easier—knowledge is power! :-)

    #371245 Reply
    Wendy

    Thanks Lane. I did communicate to him in a non accusatory way my feelings that he was being distant. I said to him something like, “I feel as if you love me and I love you but lately I feel as if you have been a little distant like you are unsure about your feelings for me..etc..and i respect that I just would like our communication to be open and honest like it has been if we want to contd. to trust each other.” He said, “why you worrying, drink some wine. You know I love you and know my plans and regardless of how you feel, if you don’t feel it, you do motivate me to do things and be better.”

    He said that to me and I thought it was so sweet but then I still feel the distance. I think your right and that hes just taking a break from all of the talk and intimacy we have had lately. I mean he has shared a lot and so have I. I admit I got needy one other night and said, “are you sure everything is ok?” and he said yes stop asking and I haven’t since then and I’m just trying to play along in the conversations working on his cue while also planning a life for myself. I guess its probably apparent that i do really like/love this guy and don’t want to blow it.

    #371248 Reply
    Wendy

    I have to add that I am divorced now after a 20 year relationship/marriage that has kinda left me insecure but I’m slowly getting it back. I’m 43 and think back to my twenties when a guy would typically do the pull away thing and I would be so confident and be like, screw you, I got a life and friends without you. It seemed so much easier to do back then without all the technology though because now I constantly feel like I need to check my IPhone. Since my split from my ex I dated one guy who was great but wanted to see me more and I just couldn’t at the time and then another who I feel for too hard and became real needy and vowed to never make that mistake again. Until I met this guy I told myself that I needed to find that twenty year old again and be that way with the next guy that may come along. Well that’s what I’m trying to do but its harder when your 43, with two kids, and feel like there is slim pickens out there but I’m trying to remain calm, confident, and cool. lol!!

    #371255 Reply
    Lane

    Yes, this is where women go so wrong in relationships—over thinking and analyzing a man’s behavior that you’re ill equipped to understand because you aren’t one. Men are driven by testosterone and we are driven by estrogen which are two distinctly different hormones that drives the way we think, act and communicate. So when a man say’s “everything’s fine”…believe him, because if its not he will let you know. Need to build up your confidence a bit and be OK when he acts a little distant because that’s a natural guy behavior.

    Men are from MARS and we are from VENUS—we really are! I suggest reading up on that as it will help you understand what men do and why they do it so you don’t freak out when it happens. Remember what feels natural to you doesn’t feel natural to them because they are biologically different than us many ways (genetics, brain wiring, chromosomes, hormones, etc.) so you have to learn not to take it so personally.

    Of course there are general human behaviors such as the lying that needs to be nipped in the bud, but when it comes to differences between male and female behaviors then you have to learn how to be a bit more flexible by not expecting more than their able to give naturally—if you need constant romance and reassurance then you’ll have to find a guy who’s capable of giving that to you.

    #371259 Reply
    Lane

    Sorry posted mine before I read your response!

    #371284 Reply
    LAgirl

    I would find it troubling that he got jealous about you going by yourself to the reunion. In my mind that is a red flag.

    I view his behavior as being pouty … you went away and had fun, so now he is going to pull back and ‘punish’ you of sorts by acting distant and then lying to you about why he could not spend the day.

    I would pull back and see what he does. I would also stay alert to other signs of jealousy. It may feel flattering, at first, but its a sign of insecurity and potential controlling behavior on his part.

    I don’t know your relationship. or what else is really going on with him, but I can understand how you might see the cause/effect relationship between the reunion and his distant behavior.

    Do not ask him. Just see if he comes out of it on his own.

    #371288 Reply
    Wendy

    LA Girl most of my friends think it is the reunion deal too. That Sat night he went out to over to a friends but he had to find something to do. I really think that he was upset that I wasn’t available to him when he wanted me to be but I’m going to have my life, friends, etc. I beginning to think that this is just our first real hump in the budding relationship and we may both be a little stubborn. He’s been texting me a little here and there all day and I’m being nice, supportive, etc…but at the same time a little aloof like he is. I feel he will snap back to me but until then I’m just gonna enjoy it!!!!

    #371291 Reply
    Wendy

    And I have been pulling back some too….or at least just sitting on my hands letting him come to me with whatever he wants to talk to me about. I’m not running to him asking him whats wrong whats wrong?? lol!!! Just feels so hard and it stinks!!!!

    #371292 Reply
    LAgirl

    I would say it’s cautionary… because even if/when he gets over it.. are you going to have to worry about this behavior everytime you decide to do something without him? That would be a drag and get old really quick.

    #371443 Reply
    Wendy

    So he texted me all night last night and then this morning. Some of it us catching up on our day, some of it flirty, some of it down right sexual. Then he told me how he was sorry but that he is having some trouble with his two sons and feels that he needs to pay them more attention. He told me he had to deal with these issues with his children, who are 16 and 18, and that it had nothing to do with us. He said he didn’t know when he could see me this week but that he was going to try. We haven’t met each other’s children yet only because we both feel after only 3 months that its too soon to be playing family yet. I don’t want my children to meet any many in my life unless I think its real.

    So I guess I just have to pull back a little and be patient and see what happens. I told him I understood and that I was there for him if he needed me. I just hope that its not a BS excuse and that his problems with his children are real. My biggest issue is I already caught him in that little lie….now I don’t know if hes lying or not and that is difficult for me. I hate liars!!!!!

    But he is saying he loves me. I asked him if maybe we needed to maybe step back from the relationship while he deals with his issues and he seemed to get irritated over that statement. I think now I’m just going to follow his lead but also have my life and my plans and I may even date other people. What do you guys think?

    #371464 Reply
    Lane

    Hi Wendy.

    Never tell a man you’re not in a commitment with that “you will be there for him”. I know we’re the nurturing specie but you owe him nothing at this juncture—he’s a grown man who’s capable of handling his own issues and unless he outright asks you never volunteer for it.

    This is where women start going wrong, giving a man more than he’s offering you. I understand what a pain in the arse kids can be and the energy you have to devote to them, whereas dating men who are actively raising them is much more difficult and convoluted than those who aren’t (which is why I personally don’t date these guys). Hang back, live your life normally and don’t invest an ounce of energy more than he’s devoting to you or start going into negative mode (“maybe we should step back”) or your insecurities will destroy it.

    Don’t tell a man you want to step back unless you’re fully prepared to do so. If he doesn’t step up or keeps giving you excuses only then should you tell him straight out YOU ARE stepping out and then do so. Trust me, if a man really wants you in his life then he will do everything to keep you in it.

    #371470 Reply
    Erin

    Hi Wendy,

    I just read this whole thread and agree a lot with Lane. And I can relate to you in some ways. I’ve been with my guy for 5 months now and although I’ve never had issues with him lying to me, I can relate to you with the transition from wooing to just being normal. I believe a lot in love languages and that there are certain importance to each individual and one of my love languages is words. It’s important for me to know I’m special to the person I’m with. Not so much reassurance, but I just like to feel appreciated and sweet words never get old to me. I think that people can over do it sometimes, and that can be a turn off, but I think that no matter what stage in the rltp, it’s nice to hear words of appreciation.

    In the first 2 or 3 months I was getting those “I just want you to know I love you. I’m all about you. You me happier than anyone” texts at least a few times a week, and in the past month or so it’s just been a lot more laid back. We hang out all the time and things are good, but I don’t receive those reassuring texts as much. I chalked it up to him just being more comfortable with me, given that we hang out pretty
    Much every day, and that it’s just a new stage in the relationship, but I still felt the need to express my concerns to him in a non threatening way. I just let him know that I appreciate him so much and said some positive things but said that those kind words are important to me and make me feel special and regardless of what stage we are in the relationship… 5 months or 25 years, I never want us to get lazy. He understand and said that’s something he will make sure to remember.

    I just think open communication is so critical. That and trust. And I know it’s hard since he lied to you once, but since you did choose to stay in the rltp you have to try and just (cautiously) move past that and trust him. If you’re ever having doubts, don’t be afraid to communicate. I think a lot of girls fear what the guy will say or they don’t want to seem needy or dependent but if you can’t be open and honest in a rltp without scaring the guy away, I don’t think he’s the right guy for you. I’ve been in plenty of rltps where something they were
    Doing raised red flags to me and I would express that and a lot of the guys would get defensive and break stuff off or get mad at me and I just realized that they weren’t the ones for me.

    I agree guys communicate and think so differently than girls too. I thought my bf was acting distant and when I mentioned to him that things felt off he was baffled. We fought last week and it’s been bothering me for
    Days, but from a guys stand point, when the fight was
    Resolved he completely moved on from it and thought things were great. If I hadn’t communicated w him in the way I did, I would still be analyzing and stressing that things were off.

    I think it sounds like this guy really likes you. Guys don’t say they love you for the hell of it and he wouldn’t be dragging it on if he didn’t care for you. Just breathe, be confident, continue on with your own independent life, and be open with him about your feelings. Everything will work out how it’s supposed to.

    Good luck !

    #371600 Reply
    Wendy

    Well he did it. Today he had the day off and instead of being home for his kids like he said he needed to do he played golf then cooked out with friends and no attempt to see me. I sat on it for awhile and told him to have fun but then realized I deserved better than this. I texted him I’m sorry but goodbye and be happy. I told him I did love him but that I deserved better than this. Haven’t heard from him yet and doubt I will for awhile. If he loves me he’ll come back and if he doesn’t then that means he’s showed me his true self these last couple of weeks, I just know that in the past I didn’t listen to my gut and my gut is usually right. This time I’m listening to my gut.

    #373491 Reply
    Christy

    Not to intrude, but do y’all mind helping me out with my question too, please? SOS

    #374125 Reply
    Ashley

    Sorry guys I don’t mean to intrude but I need advice and I think you guys just might be the right people to get it from so here goes…..

    So far I’ve been knowing this guy for over a year and we’ve been dating for a few months now. We’re the same age but I usually date guys that are much older than I am because I feel that we’re more compatible. Anyway I finally gave this guy a chance and everything was going great for about two weeks. We hung out maybe 3-4 times a week and spent the nights with one another. He told me that he wasn’t seeing any other women and that his focus was on me. He calls me bae and says things like “I’m going to fall in love with him one day”. You know the beginning stages are always the best. Continuing on the weekend of his birthday we were supposed to go out of town to Austin but the day of he canceled on me with this lame excuse about things coming up, but he promised that he would make it up to me. I got him a birthday cake that was supposed to be a surprise but I didn’t even get to see him I was so disappointed. I went over to his place the next day and I saw a birthday card from a female on his dresser which read “I’m so happy I got you back into my life, Happy Birthday.” This made me question his story and I started wondering if he had been lying to me. I asked him about the card and he said that they card was from a friend. Eventually I let it go because I remembered that we weren’t in an exclusive relationship. Things continued to be fine after that incident. This past weekend him and I were supposed to hang out on Friday and do something fun but when Friday came along he was nowhere to be found. I didn’t get a call, email, or text from him so I got worried and I text-ed and called him but still no response. Friday and Saturday passed and still no response. On Sunday morning I got a text from him apologizing saying that he went to jail over the weekend for unpaid traffic tickets and honestly I don’t believe him. My intuition is telling me that he’s busy talking to someone else and when he’s done with them he comes back to me with a lame excuse as to why he went missing for a few days. I asked him what was going on and he was adamant that nothing is wrong just bad things have been happening to him lately. He’s becoming distant. I don’t hear from him much anymore and when I do its barely two words. Should I let it go and move on because clearly someone else is occupying his time? Am I over thinking the situation?

    #374142 Reply
    Raven

    Hi Ashely,
    He must have had a hella lot of unpaid traffic tickets!

    #374143 Reply
    Raven

    Don’t get into a moving vehicle with him!

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