Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Am I being strung along or is playing it cool the right thing?
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Anon.
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Whattodo
So I met this guy in August. Such a strong connection-6 weeks later after feeling a change I asked him and he said he had feelings but his feelings had changed about getting into something serious as we both live abroad so quite transient here. We met to discuss and he confirmed his feelings were strong but he was torn as he had been single for so long and actually confirmed he was a ‘commitment phobe’ I wished him well, was calm and said I couldn’t hold out and we parted ways.
We dropped the occasional text to one another full of nice things and he did express some regret and things started to ramp up again and he asked me for a second chance and realised that I made him happy. We spent 2 lovely weeks together of him being full of compliments, nice evenings and I expressed some concern as he was returning home for Christmas for 5 weeks. Texting has NEVER been his string point and he works very long hours so would always blame hhis lack of contact on this. So off he went home for Christmas and we spoke daily at first which then pittered our to every few days.
I once again expressed my concern and told him I felt frustrated that since August to January I feel we’d made no progress and if he didn’t feel the same to just be honest but he expressed he was with his family and busy and he still felt the same and wanted to see me when we were bsck in the same country.
So here we are… we finally met up after lots of drawn out anxious WhatsApp’s and I thought I was going round for a break up chat like last time but he was so lovely and we kissed. I haven’t heard from him since (which was 3 days ago) and now I just don’t know where I stand…he said at various points he feels it’s moved too quickly so I’m trying to pull back and let him come to me…
Am I being stupid? Should I just calm it and enjoy it for what it is? Or am I right to feel this way? I’ve confronted him a number of times and he always seems to come back..I just feel I’m
Not a priority…cupcake
He told you he doesn’t want a relationship, believe him. I doubt this is going to change.
He obviously likes your company and since you seem to accept his crumbs he will continue to throw them to you. If you want a proper relationship i think you need to look elsewhere. “Playing it cool” won’t get you anywhere and is just wasting your time.
And enjoying it for what it is? You already have expressed your frustration about this being too casual so obviously you can’t enjoy it for what it is. Trust your own feelings and move on
Zoe
I say take 3 steps back, stop initiating ALL contact. You will know your answer then.
Newbie
Its really hard to exactly understand the situation
How serious was he when he came back? Did he state he wanted a relationship and be your future partner or was he vague?
What sort of progress did you miss between August and januari? Part if that time ou were broken up and part he was out of the country
What is your living situation? Is it ldr or was he away and now back in the same country as yours?
You seem to expres your concerns a lot, even after two weeks of bliss and before he went away. You are either missing something substantial as you keep complaining about it or you are a nag in general. I cant tell what it is.I think this all depends on how serious he expressed himself coming back and if the recent trip was the only time he was gone for a longer period of time. And i cant tell from your post
T from NY
There is really no confusion here, he is not interested in the same type of relationship that you are. When a man says things are moving too fast, or he’s unsure about a relationship – BELIEVE him. And it usuallly means they never will be, with you anyway. His actions are also speaking loudly! Days apart, stress texting – then you finally meet up then you allow him to string you along some more. If he wanted to be in a committed relationship with you it would not be 3 days since you heard from him. He is keeping it casual.
Women are only strung along once, by the same man, when its not their fault. After it happens again – its on us if we let it continue. Playing it cool will keep you in the same spot with this man. Make a decision about what you want. If he’s not giving it to you, be strong and move on.
Lane
Where do women get this nonsense that they should be a man’s priority??? His job will always be his no. 1 priority because it pays the bills. His Family is his no 2. priority because he has known the his entire life and will always hold an important spot in his life. So you want him to bump his job and family for you, someone he’s barely known for six months?
Trying to “Play it Cool” doesn’t work, you have to actually “Be Cool” which is OK with it which you clearly are not or you wouldn’t feel the need to control the situation. My question is: Why do you feel the need to be in first place? Is it a race that you need to win? I’m just trying to understand why you think the way you do because too much of ‘one thing’ to the detriment of others is not the way a healthy balanced relationship should start off.
If after six months you don’t know where you stand with a man, then you are standing alone.
Elvira
I agree with the rest it has been 6 months and he has already stated his concerns in not moving this forward. It has also been a LDR since he has been away for a good amount of this 6 month trial. I agree that a person has a life to live and to continue asking where you stand after he has expressed it is a constant jab to to this guy to move further away from you. If he doesn’t have the time then YOU need to make the choice to fill your life with others, instead of holding on to one guy who isn’t in 100%. Make yourself a priority!
Anon
You are correct in that you aren’t a priority. When you started seeing him again, did anything change with the dynamic of the relationship that would show the original concerns have been resolved? I think you are not a good fit if you have to keep asking him to step up to make you a priority. I’d take a huge step back
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