Am I being paranoid?


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  • #885352 Reply
    Erin

    I have been out of the dating game for quite some time and have recently begun dating again. I am dating someone for ~2 months and from my understanding these days people text less often or only do it to set up dates. He initiates most of the time but I do find myself initiating a little more than before. I have no problem doing this, and we have spoken about this briefly as it should also be a two way street. I don’t ask for hour by hour what are you doing contact, but it does make me anxious not hearing from him or a day or in this case more. This weekend was one where I did not get to see him so I texted him Friday since he fell asleep on me Thursday and we ended up facetiming Friday. On Saturday I didn’t hear from him but today Sunday I initiated haven’t heard back yet. This doesn’t seem like his usual behavior and but when we do text they are meaningful nothing out of the ordinary. I was curious to know if this is something in my head or he’s pulling away? Any genuinely nice advice is appreciated.

    #885361 Reply
    Maddie

    How often are you seeing him in person? Have his texts decreased as seeing each other has increased over the 2 months? If you’re seeing each other more, it’s probably fine.

    You can also tell him that you appreciate when he gets back to you the same day even if it’s not immediately. If he responds negatively (meaning he makes you feel needy for communicating your needs), that tells you a lot about the kind of boyfriend he’d be and you should second-guess whether or not YOU are interested in someone like HIM at that point. If he says something like he just isn’t a good texter, then you can discuss together what communication habits and expectations would make you both happy.

    #885381 Reply
    Ella

    As someone who is in the same spot as you, I would say not to worry right now. Its still fresh and just wait for him to initiate right now. Its only been what? 24 hours? Almost 48 hours? If he really likes you and cares, he will reach out. I say start freaking out if its been a week

    #885388 Reply
    Raven

    So take a step back & do way less initiating…

    #885392 Reply
    Erin

    Thanks all, he did text me back. But…some additional background

    @Maddie/Ella: We were seeing each other 2 times per week. So with summer ramping up and I just told him Friday when we talked on the phone that I have to be out for a week for a family emergency which I told him about a while and him being out for the holiday that we won’t see each other for 2 weeks. I told him I still want to talk to him and that we’ll be OK. ANd he asked if I missed him and vise versa. He felt sad. Now I didn’t hear from him Saturday and I initiated today which was my intent of this post. I am unsure if me telling him the news of my travel is also making him rethink what we have. I want to tell him my concerns, but haven’t had the change to since we have been busy this weekend and this news just happened. I know I shouldn’t get so invested but things had been going so well and then this upcoming week I would like to see him but his texts tonight seemed vague…And if I didn’t initiate he would not have spoken to me for those 2 days which is a new frequency.

    #885394 Reply
    Erin

    We also have discussed texting habits and last time we talked about how it goes both ways. I told him I didn’t want to bother him during work and he said he didn’t either which is why he texts me a little later in the day. And it goes both ways as he said. To shoot him a Hi and he’ll respond. Just seemingly this weekend it seemed weird he seemed less enthused and I haven’t seen him in 4 days since I was out of town. But before he was wanting to see me right away as I returned wanting to make plans but hasn’t yet and I only have 4 more days in the area before I won’t see him. So I am a little worried he’s rethinking this

    #885417 Reply
    Ewa

    like others said if you are still seeing each other let’s say twice a week then I wouldn’t worry about his texting behaviour, however it is not a good sign because a guy who is interested in you would be happy to hear from you and respond in timely manner , just make sure you don’t send texts that don’t require response

    #885418 Reply
    Ewa

    Erin if you think he is changing his mind because he won’t see you for 2 weeks because of his holidays and you being away then why would you even want to date this man? If he can’t keep his enthusiasm for another 2 weeks then what is the point ?
    I have dated guys before who were actually waiting for me to go on holiday so they could ‘break up’ with me, sounds harsh but it happened to me on so many occasions…

    #885428 Reply
    Zoe

    Agree with Raven. Why are you even initiating?

    #885433 Reply
    Erin

    Hi Erin, my namesake!

    It appears you’re initiating too much than you should.

    Take a step back and let him do the initiating.

    The problem with always initiating with a man you’re still getting to know is that you’re doing his job for him.

    A man who wants to date you should be curious about you enough to initiate most of the time.

    You also end up carrying the weight of the conversations alone.

    It’s been my experience that you don’t hear from such men the moment you stop initiating.

    Step back and watch what he does. If he is still seeing you and going out for dates with you, no need to be so panicky about the texting part.

    #885447 Reply
    Lane

    Erin, you need to take a big step back. Stop trying to push or force this, as you are being *needy* when you *need* to get something, such as initiate to get him to do something because he’s not doing it on his own. You need to learn how to lean back, and give this man the room to step back in, or not, on his own.

    Like the old say goes “you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.” Meaning you can try to get him to drink the relationship water but the man has to want it (a relationship) more than the woman does for it to work. Again, stop forcing it. Let him lead, because when a man does it makes you feel the opposite of what your feeling now, and that’s what you want. Trust me, its less stressful, and much calmer, when you allow it to flow organically :o)

    #885515 Reply
    Erin

    Thanks everyone for your advice. I am going to start to pull back more and see what happens.

    @Ewa to your point – that’s what I am saying I obviously don’t want to date him if he’s not interested in seeing me just because our lives our busy, but to me that’s a ridiculous and lame reason to do so. As in you can’t even wait or just see what happens as the relationship should progress.

    -He usually texts me back in a timely manner and before this news of not seeing each other things texting wise seemed good (we had small conversations and texted when we planned dates)
    -So not sure if this weekend was just a lot going on and his mind was elsewhere or it’s something else. I do want to express my concern as I stated. I’m just having trouble adjusting to this norm of texting culture. I don’t remember worrying so much from my previous relationship which lasted 9 years…
    -I just think we shuld be progresssing and maybe it’s not meant to be if I already feel this way?

    #885519 Reply
    Erin

    Okay I’m Erin v1.0 now 😂😂😂

    #885520 Reply
    Erin

    Also with initiating I don’t do it as much maybe a couple times here and there. Usually he reaches out to me first or we have a day where I don’t hear from him and I dont even initiate. I always text with a purpose either asking about his weekend. To be clear, I get it now I don’t need to text stupid things or have back and forth conversations or long ones like we used to in the early stages, I am truly curious because like I have stated 9 years ago I don’t remember eveyrone analyzing texts and here I am doing that. I don’t remember the initial stages so maybe I am being to needy?

    #885569 Reply
    Ewa

    I think your intuition is telling you that he might be losing interest this is why you are starting to analyse his texts and behaviour .
    I would stop initiating , that why you will know. I know it is harsh and bit sad to let things just fade but this is the reality of dating these days.
    Did you meet him online if so he might be dating other people ?

    #885765 Reply
    Erin

    I don’t think there is a need to analyze texts to death Erin. I think when a person is clear about their communication there is no little need to do that.

    I had an ex who was bad at texting, but he called everyday. When we were not on our phones we were seeing each other.

    So I think when things are great communication is always clear.

    Like Ewa said, maybe your intention is telling you everything is not as it seems.

    #885784 Reply
    Anon

    When you say he’s out for the holiday- what does that mean? Can you make plans with him during the holiday at all? That seems a little strange. I think if he wanted to see you he would put in more effort not less effort.

    #885808 Reply
    Erin

    Thanks all for your input. It really is appreciated. He texted me back and we made plans for later this week. I wish to discuss it all then and see where it goes. Once again thank you for taking the time and staying with me as I go through this.

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