Am I a bad person for thinking about my ex?


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This topic contains 12 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Emma 4 weeks, 1 day ago.

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  • #694083 Reply

    Penny

    Ive been in a relationship for almost a year now. I really care and respect my boyfriend but I keep thinking about my ex. We broke up a year ago and I broke up with him. I was not physically attracted to him and everything he did I hated so I dont know why I keep thinking about him. I am dreaming about him too. Our breakup was horribe, we both jumped into relationships right away and I believe he is still with his gf as I am still with my bf. A few months ago he contacted me and we had a fight, our relationship was very toxic and because it ended badly and he never apologized or owned up to the things he did wrong I was unable to have a civil conversation with him when he reached out. I dont want him back, that I know for sure but I cant seem to stop thinking about him. I think it may have to do with the fact that while I really care and love my bf, he is not the most financially stable person…. aka he is broke. My ex was doing pretty well for himself financially and would constantly take me to fancy restaurants and buy me things and I loved that part of our relationship… actually that was the only goodish thing about our relationship. Maybe I miss that part because my bf cant afford to take me out anywhere fancy and I have spent so much money that I dont have trying to be “equal” in the relationship, which honestly is something that I dont want to be in a relationship when it comes to fiances. I always pictured being with someone who made a lot more money than me and paid for majority of everything but I know that deep down my bf will never be that type of guy. He is everything that my ex was not and maybe that is what attracted me to him and while I do truly love him, I worry about a future with him that would me I pay for basically majority of everything and fear that I cant have the fancy life I always dreamed of. Am I a bad person, girlfriend, etc? I keep wanting to reach out to my ex but obviously I know that would be the wrong thing to do. Please any advice would help.

    #694105 Reply

    Hannah

    No you’re not a bad person at all and what you’re feeling is totally natural.

    It’s not as though you’re pining after this man, madly in love and want him back is it?

    You got together with your bf very quickly after the toxic relationship so you didn’t get a chance to heal. You need that time to process what went wrong and what you can learn from it. That’s exactly what you’re doing now and it’s good you’re doing it. You never progress and grow as a person if you don’t learn from your experiences.

    As for the finance thing, you have to work out what’s important to you and what you can accept.

    A lesson from my experience though…my husband had a really good job and I thought would always be able to support us, although I’ve always worked and paid my way. He lost his job and I had to support him for a while. Then he never made the same money again. I know people who have made a fortune and spent the lot. I know people who have earned a lot, get sick and ended up on the streets.

    I also know women who haven’t earned or had a career who are totally dependant on their partners. Some suffer abuse, some have to tolerate cheating or just stay in a miserable marriage because they can’t pay their own way. You need to always be able to support yourself. Don’t look to a man to do it.

    #694161 Reply

    Emma

    I wish you asked a different type of question. This one sounds so childish, you are not 12 are you? LOL

    The truth is that most women want a man to earn a good living, there are many reasons for that, including that he will be the main provider when children are being raised. it is very natural, society evolved this way and it is not going to change in a few years. These days women earn almost as much as man, and some of us more than many men, but we still want to be with men who are high earners.

    You think of your ex because this part is missing in your current relationship. It is not a crime, but you should not ignore these thoughts. They mean you do not see the future with your current BF, so don’t waste your time. But of course this does not mean you go back to your ex. You move on! LOL

    #694169 Reply

    Anne

    No, honey, you are not bad. Forget about the ex, you seriously are ok with you dream of a man who can make a comfortable, financially well off home.

    Don’t let anyone tell you money doesn’t matter. Women raise the babies, it’s an important job, and men love their work, they love earning the big bucks so their family has a full life.

    #694170 Reply

    Anne

    Do you live with you current bf?

    #694181 Reply

    WHY

    You never gave yourself closure over the ex. You jumped into a new relationship without taking the time to figure out what you did wrong/missed (we all have responsibility when things don’t work) and you never really sat back to evaluate what you learned from it, before jumping in with someone new.

    To me, it sounds like neither of these guys are meant for you long term. It’s not that he doesn’t make as much money as your ex did,that concerns me about your current BF, it’s that you say he’s broke and it sounds like your supporting him. It sounds like he’s not financially responsible or mature.

    That is not the kind of guy you want to marry or have kids with. Money issues are the number one cause of divorce. It’s real and it’s not something to ignore.

    Have you ever been alone and on your own? It’s always a good idea to be single awhile after a relationship ends, to rediscover yourself and heal.

    It doesn’t sound like you did that. Especially if the last relationship was so toxic, it’s even more important.

    I think this is your minds way of telling you to step away and re-evaluate the last relationship, as well as the current one.

    #694184 Reply

    Ollie

    I only read the first few sentences of your posted and skimmed the rest. What stands out to me is that you say “I really care and respect my boyfriend….”. This is a boyfriend you have been with for almost a year.

    If I had been with “the one” for that long, my opening sentence reflect a stronger feeling. I don’t think this is so much about the ex as it is about what you are not feeling for your current BF.

    #694186 Reply

    Penny

    No i dont live with my boyfriend. He lives with two other guys. He constantly is unable to pay for his part of the rent because of the job he has pays 10 an hour. Occasionally he will work another job but its pretty rare. I do not support his bills at all, however, i pay for our dates equally. Although, I am not working because I am a full time student and interning for free. I love love my boyfriend so I dont think that the issue or why I am thinking about my ex. I said i respect him because in my last relationship, i was constantly seeking out other guys to date, which fyi is how i met my bf actually, hence why i jumped into a relationship after i broke up with my ex. Not my finest moment but it happened. So although i am unhappy about the financial aspect of our relationship i do not want to cheat on my boyfriend, i learned my lesson and also i respect him way to much and i value our relationship. I have been single for a very long time before, my ex was my first boyfriend so i know what it is like to be single. I do agree that if I stay with my boyfriend, which is my plan for now, I do fear that when we have children, who will be making the money to support my time off from work. I get that some people dont think money is a big deal and while i agree with that because i think my bf is wonderful and makes me so happy in every aspect of a relationship. He is only lacking on the finances, which to others think it is a big deal, and i also agree with that. Especially because it was instilled in me that money means everything from my family. Me and my boyfriend actually had a conversation similar to my fears a little earlier. He brought up with fact he cant pay for his bills (which he does every month and stresses about it) and i suggested that he try to find another job. He mentioned that he might try and work a grave yard shift somewhere, and i said that i would prefer if he would work a more professional job (meaning a job that will bring him enough money to support me and him and our future). he got upset with me saying that i dont understand how hard it is to find a job because i am technically not working, but i actually do because i am applying for jobs now (about to graduate soon) and i also worked for a full year before entering grad school. I dont know how to communicate with him effectively about my fears. Any suggestions?

    #694188 Reply

    WHY

    Ugh, a man who can’t even pay his bills? Really?? Sorry, I could not deal with that.

    A man needs to be able (AT THE VERY LEAST) support himself. To me that’s a huge dealbreaker

    #694189 Reply

    Hannah

    Hmm. While I stand by what I say about always being able to pay your own way, I can see this would be a problem. What’s the job market like where you live? Is it the ecomony holding his back or a lack of motivation? What are his career goals?

    #694192 Reply

    Penny

    He doesnt have any career goals. He does not know what he wants to do in life… im not quite sure why. He did get his bachelors degree and was working in his field but was fired. He said that he was fired because his boss was not happy with his performance… not sure what that means because i was not with him while it was happening. He also said that it was a job that he didnt like very much and is now working a job he enjoys doing but pays very very little and also isnt really a “career” unless he opened up his own place one day, but again he says he doesnt know if he really wants to do that either. Not sure why he has to be definite on an answer of what he is passionate about doing, like i get that you want to enjoy working but at the same time he is not actively thinking about his career and i also think it would benefit to work a job that paid more while he thought about his career even if he doesnt like the job he is doing.

    #694193 Reply

    Kara

    Penny,
    Does he have an education or is he considering going to school or does he have any drive at all to get a well paying career vs a minimum wage job? This would be a huge dealbreaker for me. If a man doesn’t have motivation or drive for success .. uh, no thanks. I just can’t have respect for someone who is content with not being able to pay his bills. That’s a child, not a man. I have worked since I was 15 years old and can support myself but if my husband had no aspirations beyond a $10 p hour job he would be gone. Bare minimumers are a huge turn off.

    #694217 Reply

    Emma

    I think you know what we all know. This guy is not the one for you (or any other woman who has common sense and understands that you can’t live without paying bills). So you know that but you can’t leave him based on this one thing. You are stuck wasting your time with him and you know it.

    But it is not just “money”, it is a man’s character. Once you grasp this, your feelings about him would change and it will make it easier for you to leave. Good luck. LOL

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