This topic contains 46 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Kate 2 hours, 41 minutes ago.
February 14, 2017 at 12:33 pm #602211
I “dated” a guy for a year but we were never official. We were basically just friends with benefits because he didn’t want anything more. I am not the type of girl who is usually okay with casual hookups, but I convinced myself that if I did this he would eventually want to be with me. He also sent me extremely mixed signals. When I would try to stop talking to him he would talk to me. He wanted the benefits of a girlfriend but didn’t want to have any commitment.
This went on for a year and I feel like it turned me into a depressed/anxious crazy person. I would do anything to talk to him, see him, get his attention. It was completely unhealthy. I would make thing sup to talk to him about just to be able to continue a conversation. We would hangout a few times a week, hookup and text daily. I could not understand why he didn’t like me when I liked him so much. I feel like I completely put my life on hold for the last year because I was obsessed with trying to get him to be with me.
It was almost an addiction. This all ended last week when I found out that he was talking to someone else. I completely lost it and I feel like I had no control over myself. I lied to him and told him that I was sick and in the hospital just to see if he would care about me. He caught me in this like. I realize that this was completely INSANE and low. I feel like i just went completely psycho.
I don’t know what is wrong with me, why i acted like this or how to fix it. I’m 23, I have a great career, great friends and family and I just don’t know why i did this. Does anyone have any advice for me? Should I go to a therapist?February 14, 2017 at 12:38 pm #602217
How to fix it? Stop seeing this guy and move on with your life. Lesson learned.February 14, 2017 at 12:39 pm #602219
I think we all have that ‘one’ guy who does this to us… I don’t know what to call it…
Figure out why/what happened… Sure go & see & talk to someone who can help you through.February 14, 2017 at 12:41 pm #602222
you just need to go NC..for your own emotional health
Join support sites where women are experiencing the very same issues.
It will give you some good insight on how you handle relationships/codependency/neediness/obsessing, etc
If these support sites don’t seem to help…seek counseling
Join a local co-dependents anonymous group.
When a guy says he isn’t looking for a relationship…believe himFebruary 14, 2017 at 12:55 pm #602237
You’re not crazy and a lot of us have been there. I have!
You got totally obsessed and infatuated. It ends up not being about them at all. It becomes about the fact you’ve invested so much, you HAVE to have them. It’s essentially like an addiction.
You need to go no contact and let yourself understand what happened here. It was all about power, control and obsession. When you come out of it, you’ll wonder what you ever saw in him and realise you didn’t actually even like him that much.
Don’t worry! You’re totally normal! Just learn from it and never do it again.February 14, 2017 at 1:07 pm #602250
Thank you for all of your advice. How do you suggest handling seeing him at work? I’m so embarrassed by myself I just want to like hide at work.February 14, 2017 at 1:19 pm #602257
Oh God..what a mess
Do you work in a large area?
Is it necessary that you be in contact with him?February 14, 2017 at 2:06 pm #602290
We do work in a hospital.. I would basically only see him in passing. We do not work on the same floor, but they are very close to each other.February 14, 2017 at 2:35 pm #602299
own it. If he asks you tell him yes I got mad and lost it. It’s been a year of this. I can’t take it anymore.
Stop being afraid. You did what you did, you are only 23. This crazy move will help you to end things. lolFebruary 14, 2017 at 3:22 pm #602322
yeah i’d say own up to it. worst thing is to lose your emotional self control and become un-glued. it’s a natural response to this crazy situation, but hey. you did it-and can’t go back. start moving forward today and finding someone who genuinely wants to be with you. believe me, they are out there. but you can’t find that one committed person when you’re constantly hung up on some dude who was and never will give you what you want. he’s taken enough of your time, and starting today is when you will walk away and never look back. 12 months of your life is too much. he’s never going to give you what you want – and as soon as you learn this and realize this – you’ll forever stay away from him.
i’ve been through something similar, but didn’t drag it as long. i let it go for 4 months and then thought i could do the whole “friends” thing for another 2 months until i had some strange feeling that he was probably speaking to someone else. it probably was true. but before he could kick my as* to the curb i sent him a very straighforward text that i couldn’t be his friend anymore and that i needed to go. it’s sometimes that hard, but also THAT easy, if you can just let go and BELIEVE/KNOW you deserve better.
time to start living today. put the pieces back together. so what? he’s seeing or talking to someoen else. that doesn’t involve you anymore. it’ll open up space for you to meet someone who is willing to meet you there.February 14, 2017 at 3:44 pm #602330
Hi I’ve had this as well in the past, proper relationship but I was needy clingy and couldn’t enjoy doing anything unless he was there. He ended it and I then got my life back and planned things with friends and family. Result was the next relationship I kept up my own interests and this time it worked out xxFebruary 14, 2017 at 5:51 pm #602386
Between heavy emotions and chemicals raging it is little wonder that you feel out of control.
First, I would see a doctor to make sure your hormones are ok…then I would see a therapist.
I am sorry you are hurting…but getting intervention will help you.February 14, 2017 at 6:12 pm #602394
You think hormones could have something to do with this?February 14, 2017 at 6:38 pm #602396
I texted him today. I don’t know why I did it I felt like I had no control over myself. We agreed that we shouldn’t talk anymore and he said we don’t have to be afraid to see eachother at work but we just can’t talk. I’m just so ashamed of myself and embarrassed. Any advice on sticking to no contact?February 14, 2017 at 7:02 pm #602398
Hi Kate-just remember the feeling you have right now of embarrassment and being out of control. I used to text my sister as if she was him-when I had it really bad. She would answer back as if she was him and say all the jerk,meaningless things he used to say. It helped get it out of my system.
Or pretend that your text makes a loud sound like a fire alarm everytime he hears it-annoying,scarey and embarrassing.
Say nothing to him about the text if you see him at work. This will get better with time but you need to work on your confidence, develop a fuller life for yourself before you date again. Good luck-I hope this helps.February 14, 2017 at 7:12 pm #602400
First off, there are rarely “mixed signals”. Usually in a situation like this the guy only wants NSA sex and states it, but the girl ignores what he tells her and makes things up in her head for the reasons he must like her.
No guy who is really interested says he only wants FWB. When a man says that, or that he doesn’t want a relationship, or isn’t looking for anything serious, you need to believe he means that. And you have to accept he will not change his mind. At lease not with you.
You knew off the bat he didn’t want anything serious, but you did what many women do. You thought you could change his mind. It doesn’t work, and you found out the hard way.
In the future, believe it when a guy says this, walk away and DON’T sleep with him if you want a relationship. Save if for someone looking for something more long term.
How do you stop reaching out? Well, imagine him telling everyone all the details of what happened/is happening, imagine HR getting involved, losing your job, and the consequences of it all. Do not further humiliate yourself. Reaching out to him is all that will accomplish.
For me, that would be MORE than enough to forget the guy. If you can’t, then definitely seek professional help.
Tomorrow is a new day. Start over. Spend time with people who care about you, do things you love, surround yourself in positivity.
I honestly believe women get to dark places like this when they devalue themselves by not setting healthy boundaries (not respecting themselves and their well being first and foremost) and allow a man to destroy their self-esteem by being a doormat or people pleaser, at the expense of their true wants and needs.
If you get away and stay away from him, you can focus on your emotional, physical and mental well being. You need to get re-centered. This is now a toxic situation and you are your own worst enemy.
I strongly encourage you to get the professional help you need to navigate this, before you do or say something drastic and this devolves further.February 14, 2017 at 7:43 pm #602404
Delete his contact information, phone logs, social media, email & text threads…
Go No Contact & stick to it… For as long as it takes.
Busy yourself with activities, girlfriends, family, pets, artistic experiences, exercise…
It won’t be easy, one day though you’ll wake up & it’ll be ok…February 16, 2017 at 12:12 pm #602961
Im having trouble sticking to no contact. I haven’t contacted him but I keep thinking about him and wanting to. I am so afraid of seeing him at work that I have considered calling in sick. I don’t know how to get over this. Does anyone have any advice for me on seeing him at work? I’m so embarrassed that I told such a ridiculous lie for attention from him.February 16, 2017 at 1:24 pm #602996
You have to get ahold of yourself here. Think about it, calling in sick to work to not see him is just as bad as telling him you were sick and in the hospital!! You made a mistake, now you have to own it and live with it and move on. Think of these actors who do really stupid things in public and then have to live with it and they are in the spotlight. Look at Britney Spears shaving her head and attacking a car with an umbrella. I mean come on, what you did is no where close to that and only a few people know. So hold your held high, show up at work, ignore him or whatever makes it easier, but this will get better. It’s not the end of the world.
This guy didn’t commit to you for a year, you had to know he was going to find someone else eventually. It’s time to realize you want more for yourself than a guy who can’t commit. Realize he’s not all that and you will find better!!!February 16, 2017 at 1:37 pm #603000
If you contact him, you’ll come across as a crazy lady. You already have once and he was nice about it. Keep doing it and he won’t be so nice. He said he doesn’t want to talk to you. Please respect his decision.
If you don’t, he may decide you’re unstable and talk to your human resources department at work. Then you will have a whole lot more shame to go through and it may damage your career. Is he really worth that?
Just ignore him if you see him. You already cleared the air by text. He doesn’t want to talk to you so ignoring is your only option.February 16, 2017 at 1:41 pm #603002
Been there done that
My friend started an affair with her BOSS. Like direct boss. He lied to her that his marriage is over and that they are separated yet the couple along with their 2 year old went on vacation together which he hid from her. Now how embarrassing that can be. How he managed? he totally ignored everything. He pretended as if nothing happened between them. They never slept, never kissed and everything was back to professionalism.
The only way to avoid the situation is keep your head straight, don’t hide and leave him alone. He deserves some peace of mind too. And pretend as if you guys never dated.February 16, 2017 at 2:07 pm #603011
Kaye’s advice is spot on. U did nothing wrong, u have a heart bursting with love for this dude and he doesn’t appreciate it, so u reached out in desperation and were looking for his attention. I know a guy whose ex did the same to him. She called him in tears, telling him she had a brain tumor and she had a month to live. He felt terrible about it bc he thought it was true. When the real truth came out she apologized, and he just took it for what it was: a plea for his attention. They are still friends too. Have u thought of looking for another job?February 16, 2017 at 2:18 pm #603014
You are perfectly normal. You have been through emotional rollercoster for a year, anyone would lose control.
Why are you embarrased and ashamed? There is nothing to be ashamed of. You are just human. He is a dick. He should be ashamed. Sorry, but I do believe that such arrangements are too often full of sh*t and that any decent guy would not agree for it, if he knows or senses that the girl has feelings for him.
The easiest way to stick to NC is by turning your sadness into anger (or even rage or hatred). You have to realise that this man has been using you. He turned a wonderful young girl who has her whole life ahead of her, and who should be slowly developing into a valuable respectable woman into an anxious, crazy wreck. As soon as you understand it, you won’t be longing for contact, because you simply won’t want to have anything to do with this man.
Seek therapy if you feel like it. This won’t be easy and it will take a while, a therapist could help.
At work avoid him as much as possible, but if you do see him, be professional, but cold. And if he ever dares to call you out on your ‘crazy’ behavior, make sure to let him know that your emotions did not come out of nowhere and that he is at least partially responsible for the state you were in. Or don’t say anything, chances are he wouldn’t understand anyway.February 16, 2017 at 2:19 pm #603015
Betty, come on. She did do something wrong. She lied to him and tried to manipulate him. I understand; all of us women have done similar things in the past. But don’t tell someone they didn’t do anything wrong when they clearly did. Let’s be honest here. And telling her to go get another job is encouraging her not to face the consequences of her actions. It stinks, but that’s how we grow and mature as people.
Moving forward, just ignore him and pretend he isn’t there. Fortunately you only see him in passing so hopefully he’ll avoid you until this dies down. And delete his number, e-mail, whatever you have from your phone so you CANNOT contact him.
Read Bridget Jones’s Diary or watch the movie. It always makes me feel better after a breakup…and she has to deal with her boss, whom she was sleeping with, at work after he announces he’s engaged to someone else.February 16, 2017 at 2:31 pm #603019
Shannon maybe it was wrong but it happened and she needs to shake it off and go forward. She doesn’t need to drown herself in embarrassment and guilt. And looking for another job is good advice; have u ever had something happen with a co-worker and then had to face them every day at work and act like strangers? I have and it’s very painful. I’d be looking around for a new job so I could start over with a clean slate. But that is entirely her decision.