Accidently Offended my BF, Now what??


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  • #378462 Reply
    Jenna

    I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost 4 years. Today I simply mentioned how I miss his muscles that he used to have when we were first dating. That’s literally all I said. I never called him fat or said that he wasn’t good enough for me or that I wasn’t attracted to him. But he accused me of all of those things because I said that one little comment.

    I didn’t think it was a big deal to say because we are usually very open with each other. Personally, I wouldn’t be offended if he told me I had to lose a few pounds, in a nice way, because I am the type of person who would want to know so I could make the necessary changes.

    But he blew the whole thing way out of proportion. He seems like he’s doubting that I really love him and he told me that he never wants to have sex again because now he feels too self-conscious.

    I honestly didn’t think my one comment was going to cause this huge mess but now I’m starting regret saying it! The only reason I said it was because I truthfully do miss his muscles. I am in good shape and I take a lot of care in my physical appearance so I just feel like he shouldn’t let himself go if I don’t. Part of me feels like, if he doesn’t care anymore, then why should I? I also think he was really sexy before with his muscles, and now he’s obviously still good looking, but the sex isn’t as good as it could be.

    I really didn’t think he was going to be so sensitive about it. Now he’s saying that he’s never going to eat anymore even though that won’t fix anything; working out would. He basically shot down any idea that he would get in shape because he said that he doesn’t feel like going to our paid for gym membership because it’s too cold out. He also said it’s too far away from his house even though the gym is literally a block away from my house, he visits me every day, and we live about 2 miles away from each other….

    Idk what to do. I feel bad that I hurt his feelings and I don’t want him to feel unconfident or to start doubting our relationship. But I also wanted him to starting working out again, but he completely shot down that idea….I feel hopeless.

    #378463 Reply
    Jenna

    Hi Jenna. It’s nice to see someone with the same name.
    Your bf must be getting a lot of these comments about his weight from other people. So when he heard that one comment coming from you, whom he thought was his ally, it hurt his ego and he felt betrayed, now he is doubting if you still love him and if he can still trust you.

    I have never experienced this with a guy but I’d write him a short letter saying that he doesn’t need to change. That I accept him for who he is and he is still the most attractive man to me, in and out. And then I’d let him be.

    Do you workout, run, hike or have an outdoor activity that you enjoy? If yes, why not invite him to join you? But in the form of request where you need his help. ie. I really want to go hiking at xxx, will you take me? I would be really happy. If he says no, let it go and try again next time.

    #378465 Reply
    maria

    OMG what a drama queen (king) !!!

    Yes, tell him he doesn’t need to change and that you love him regardless. If he after that doesn’t snap out of it, TELL HIM… to snap out of it. Seriously, self pity – SOO unattractive.

    #378470 Reply
    eve

    wow – you really told him that? Sure he flipped out a little too much. Acted like any woman would but … a man has a very fragile ego. He is well aware of his shape, he is aware of you being in shape. He can figure out for himself that he needs to keep up his end of the looking good and performing well side of things but to say you miss his muscle – ouch! It’s a bit like him saying I miss your face from 4 years back when it didn’t have those wrinkles – how about some botox. I know that’s not exactly the same but it’s in the ballpark. he may have felt he was all muscled up to win babes and that it was getting a little boring so he wanted to just go back to having an average body and believe he was loved for who he was. Like when a woman starts to feel loved and comfortable and doesn’t wear high heels in the house all the time to look sexy non stop. If she had slid into the sweats and gained 40 pounds well that would be too much. If he was growing an enormous beer belly, belching and grunting and never showed he cared – sure, say something but what you did was very mean and thoughtless! You could have used many other ways to get him back in shape, said I miss us going to the gym together – it was fun getting all sweaty then having a wild time later … that’s inspiring. You could have said how hot he was looking and waited for him to say, “I’m not as hot as I used to be” and you could have said that doesn’t matter baby but if you want to go to the gym and turn into mr muscle again that’s cool too *big kiss and a smile* but acting as if it didn’t matter then say – it’s your heart I love silly and laugh again and give him a genuine look of love/lust and change the subject but no … what you said made him feel you care what other women think of him, you want people to envy your hot man and that you find him less attractive and no good in bed anymore. I know you didn’t tell him that part but it seems he got the message loud and clear. It seemed a very shallow attitude and now you’re sorry because he is sulking and you know you were insensitive!. Just tell him you weren’t thinking and realize what a jerk and a bitch you’ve been and say to make it up I’m taking you to … something fun – not dinner and not a physical activity – both of those will make him feel you are forcing him to get fit. A night playing pinball games or going to an event he loves.

    #378471 Reply
    buttercup

    Why does the lack of muscles make the sex less good? Fat, thin, muscles or puny, doesnt affect performance.

    Are you sure there are no more underlying issues going on here?

    #378473 Reply
    maria

    A confident, grounded, stable guy would never act like this. He’d be like “Haha, well I liked myself better when I had muscles too. One of these days I might just make an effort and go to the gym… we’ll see”.

    I don’t believe that what you said was bad, Jenna. He is TAKING IT BAD, but that is something else entirely…

    He’s indulging in self pity… He’s even in victim mode… His RESPONSE and BEHAVIOR is the problem, not what you said.

    #378476 Reply
    peta

    He’s not at the gym and saying he can never have sex again because he has another woman. You provided him the perfect excuse to fake an angry attack and to have more sex with her. Accuse him of that and he’ll stop crying.

    #378481 Reply
    Sassperilla

    Why don’t you tell him in great detail the bits you absolutely love about him. His eyes or his ear lobes or whatever, how it all turns you on, how you love the touch of his strong hands, how he makes you feel safe when he puts his arms round you. Your own version (and make it the truth) and focus on these unique aspects that no one else can offer you.

    Then give him an amazing BJ.

    Sorted.

    #378482 Reply
    Stefanie

    Landmine exploded and the debris is flying…

    Here’s what I read from your post. You want him to be different, you want him to be in better shape. Honestly. That’s what you want. I don’t see you backing down from this because you said that you keep yourself in shape and you feel he should too. And fair enough. That’s how I feel about someone I’m dating! However… you went about expressing it in the classic textbook wrong way.

    Do you want to stay in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to take care of himself??? It became a deal breaker for me, one of the things that made me leave my marriage. I’m a former competitive athlete and I have diabetes running the family and I am determined maintain life long health and fitness. Not everyone feels that way.

    But your BF has now gone Mary, Mary, quite contrary on you. Anything you say he’ll oppose.

    Recommend you do what Sass suggests and leave it. But you need to get clear in your mind if you can stay in this long term if fitness isn’t a priority to him. What you think repeatedly, you may as well say, because energetically people pick it up. So I think it’s a good thing this came out so you two can face this issue.

    #378483 Reply
    Stefanie

    diabetes running IN the family

    #378546 Reply
    maria

    I agree with the health aspect.

    If you’re really into health and fitness, then it’s hard to be in a relationship with someone who’s not… and he should know that very well since he once was into fitness himself…

    #378677 Reply
    Jenna

    Thanks for all the responses! :)

    Jenna: I thought about what you said before I told him the comment. But I figured that if he was being told that by other people, then he would make a change. I honestly dont think anyone else had told him that because his parents are a bit larger and his mother is always over feeding him. Other than that, idk who else would tell him he’s gaining weight. I’m sure his guy friends wouldnt say anything because its not like a drastic change anyways. So that’s why I wanted to tell him. I do yoga, and he shot down the idea of doing it with me. But other than that, I just ride my bike around town to get to where I need to go. We dont have a lot of free time together, but he has a lot of free time on his own that he could easily go to the gym. Especially since he used to all the time!

    Maria: Thank you for your support! I guess I just found out that he is secretly really self conscious because of his reaction. TBH his reaction IS really unattractive because I just wanted to voice something that has been bothering me (similar to if he constantly didnt do any chores or if he started to have an attitude with me or somethings like that). I get that its a sensitive topic, which is why I didnt directly say “you’re getting fat, you should go work out.” But since he completely freaked out and shot down any ideas of getting healthier, it makes me feel like I should never tell him anything I’m feeling again. But thanks for the reassurance for what I said wasnt horrible! :)

    #378680 Reply
    Jenna

    Eve: thanks for you input. Me and my bf are 23 years old, so I dont feel like I was suggesting anything crazy. Especially since he used to be more toned, but after dating me, he stopped working out and is now kind of pudgy. I obviously love him regardless, but I am the type of girlfriend who stays in shape and DOES dress to the nines for any occasion. I DO always wear heels and dress sexy for no reason because I want to keep the relationship spicy and do my part. And although I guess I could have gone about it in a different way, all the ways you suggested were very passive agressive and indirect. I’m bad at not being honest so I’m sure he would see through me saying “We should go to the gym together somtime” immediately as me trying to suggest he works out; he just knows me too well. Besides, by being indirect, I feel like I would get more frustrated because he probably would never take the hint. I just wanted to express myself in the moment about how I missed his muscles. I have apologized countless times now just saying. I do feel bad because although I didnt mean to make him upset, he took it very badly and I dont like seeing him upset.

    #378681 Reply
    Jenna

    Buttercup: Well I think the sex is bad because he gained weight because I could tell that his confidence in the bedroom as been WAY down; he can never stay hard. He always says he’s worried about impressing me which makes no sense because we used to always have great sex. So I thought him getting into shape would give him a confidence boost in himself after he starts to see some progress. Also, I know that physical activity is supposed to make a guy want to have sex more (it raises testoerone levels or something, i forgot). Besides all of those things, I would be even more attracted to him not because of the muscles alone, but because he would be more confident in himself. if that makes any sense.

    #378686 Reply
    Jenna

    Peta: I’m pretty sure that’s not happening, but thanks for the tip!

    Sass: I do that (minus the BJ part lol) literally every day. I’m head or heels in love with him and I literally tell him all the things I love about him any time I see him. Which is why I was so shocked that he reacted this way. I’ve never given him a reason to doubt my love for him, so when I said one little comment, I didnt think he was going to freak out on me.

    Stephanie: I agree that I have to think about this. I dont want to “Change him” but he used to be more fit so its not like he’s a 600 lbs guy I’m deciding to turn into channing tatum. I’m glad you agree that you would think similarly in this situation. Its hard though because I love him so much and he’s perfect in every other way. Its just the sex issue, as I told butter cup in my response above, has been getting to me. Also I feel like he used to look good to “get a girl” but then once he “got me” he stopped caring as much so it makes me feel like I’m not something to workout over. If that makes sense? I keep myself in shape and dress sexy to impress him, but he does not seem to care about doing the same for me.

    #378692 Reply
    Harley

    Guys are LIKE that.. they let themselves go , but expect US to look hot all the time. UNFAIR. Perhaps he feels you are trying to change him and he is rebelling against it. It’s not WHAT you say, its HOW you said it. NO point in apologising anymore……… that will drive him crazy. Also.. don’t OVER compliment right now…………. he will see through that. Just take it easy over the next few weeks and SHOW/not SAY so much, how much you love him.

    #378824 Reply
    maria

    The trick is to have the guy know (with your attitude and actions) that not only does he have to bring his A game to WIN you, but also to KEEP YOU… and if he doesn’t, he’ll risk losing you to some other guy…

    BE the prize and STAY the prize…

    #626175 Reply
    Todd

    Yeah just stop pushing the issue. You made the mistake and need to stop worrying about his muscles.

    #626180 Reply
    Raven

    Nice troll… You had to dig 3 years back.

    #626194 Reply
    L

    Must be our friend mike.

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