This topic contains 7 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Nancy 4 months ago.
July 17, 2017 at 1:12 pm #641834
I have kind of put the brakes on/ended things with my boyfriend or we’ve gone on a break…I can’t really tell which right now. And I need some perspective…I’ve been feeling ok about it in general – like it’s win win, if he comes back then great & if not then I’ve dodged a bullet. But I also don’t want him to feel like I’ve dumped him and I hate him & not have the courage to come back…
I’m 28 and he’s 26, we’ve been together for nearly 4 months so not long…but steadily getting to know each other and getting closer. We’ve had some really lovely times together and I’m very fond of him. Think he is of me too. The last few weekends together have been really close and fun & intimate & we have been talking about feelings a lot – him opening up to me a lot – but mainly his issue is that his parents don’t approve & are very negative whenever he’s going to see me (he is living at home with them for a small period of time) – they seem to be very dominant and treat him a bit like a child so he admits he has started to feel like a child.
At the beginning when we were dating he said he felt really confident about where he was in life, what he could offer me, and he felt confident at the prospect of getting involved with my daughter too in the future & slowly getting to know her & being a role model for her. (Her Dad is very present for her so not loads of pressure on him to be her “step Dad” at any point in the immediate future but I have her most of the time so if we want to deepen our relationship and build something then he needs to be open to getting to know her & being involved with her to some extent, I said. And he wasn’t scared by that at the beginning, he was open to it. As soon as his parents were negative about me being a single parent (they are very old fashioned, and older) and as soon as they told him they didn’t think it was a good situation for him to be getting involved with & that he wasn’t ready to get involved with a child, he said his confidence has seemed to plummet & he can’t tell what his own feelings are or whether it’s just his parents fears being projected onto him. He has told them that they need to accept that he’s going to keep seeing me & that he sees me as a good person to be in his life & that he’s serious about me, not just casual. But they still keep being subtly negative and giving him the cold shoulder which is really upsetting him & throws him off balance about “us” every time he goes home after a lovely weekend together.
Another issue is that he says he is unsure what he wants or needs from his life & feels he needs to maybe go travelling for a period of time (even though he has already travelled a bit with an ex girlfriend). He says he doesn’t want to do this to be single or meet other women or party…it’s just to challenge himself & go out into the world. He said this may be way in the future & that he wants to keep seeing me as loves being around me & wants to see where it goes with me…. but that he feels he should just tell me how he feels as it seemed important.
Every time he mentions travelling or his parents or he goes a bit distant or quiet or doesn’t seem sure about making plans with me for few weekends time… The first couple times he did this, I was cool and just gave him space, but now it’s becoming pretty regular & the most recent time he came to me to have another conversation about his feelings…He said he’s realised that the idea of not going travelling scares him a lot & that he’s worried that although when we’re together it’s amazing, then in the week when we’re apart, he doesn’t think about me or look forward to making plans with me as much as he feels he should. He said he’s not sure if this is down to HIM or down to his parents’ constant negative conditioning about his coming to see me. I told him his feelings are normal, & I understand…that I haven’t been thinking about him that much either that week as I’d been busy with my daughter & said this isn’t teenage infatuation & that it’s actually healthy not to be thinking about your partner all the time…. He took this perspective on board and he said he hadn’t thought of it like that. He didn’t seem to want to break up, but he came to see me without an overnight bag & texted me on the way saying we may be due a conversation tonight…which was horrible & made me panic he was going to end things. Seemed so dramatic ! I just don’t want or need drama especially as a Mum…
But then I did say that actually this is a far too recurrant theme & that it’s constantly coming up & because of that it is starting to stress me out. The constant unsureness from him doesn’t seem right, that I’m not sure how much longer I can deal with this. Said I can’t fix it or discover his true feelings for him & that it’s his challenge to take & his life to decide what’s best for him…
I’m not sure why he keeps coming and telling me about his doubts & expecting me to stick around. I said maybe he just needs to be on his own and discover what he truly feels and what he wants from life.
He said he doesn’t want to stress me out, he cares about me and and wants to do the right thing by me & doesn’t want to be selfish by spending time getting closer to me without knowing what he wants and his path for the near future. He was really sad, he didn’t want to leave…he said he wanted to keep seeing me….
I just kept saying I really think he should go and be on his own for a bit, and that I care about him a lot & want him to be happy…We left it by me saying lets just not speak for a few days or weeks or whatever. He reluctently said yes he agrees does need to sort his head out & realise what he needs to do one way or the other with regards to near future plans & whether he can dive in fully to a relationship with me (& potentially my daughter – who has met him once or twice & liked him a lot) as this is not fair on me & he needs to figure out what he really needs/ feels.
I have been feeling not too devastated …but I do miss him & we were really good together. I am dissapointed. He’s a great person & I think he would be a really good presence in my life and my daughter’s as he is so caring, thoughtful & we have so much in common. I felt like I could love him if I let myself relax into it & we spent more lovely time together. He is a really decent guy. Just seems quite young, sensitive & confused.
We usually speak every day… I want to give him space as I was starting to feel taken for granted…but I don’t want to end it. We both said neither of us want this to be over. It’s been 4 days no contact now & I’m starting to question my decision and wonder if I pushed him away, all over him sharing his feelings and “What if’s” which are normal !! No relationship is certain….
What should my next step be? Should I talk with him further or just leave him be?
Not even sure if I’m single…or not??!
Thanks in advance.July 17, 2017 at 1:53 pm #641855
Hi Nancy-it seems you are handling this well. Unfortunately, it appears that he is either in his parent’s thrall or using them as an excuse of sorts. He is giving clear signs of fence sitting and I would not “wait around” long. It kind of reminds me of a guy I was dating for 4 months-we were exclusive and he treated me well,took me on great dates etc. However,I did not feel he was truly trying to get to know me and let me know him more. Then he started talking about trips he wanted to take etc. He said he enjoyed my company (read sex,for sure) and had “feelings” for me,but could not make any “promises”. I asked him if he could see us taking holidays,travelling together,and he said no. I ended it,because we were not on the “same page”. He gladly would have keep sleeping with me without strings. Fast forward a year and I have an amazing boyfriend that loves me and know exactly what he wants and shows it. I would let him fade away or give him the not on the same page speil and end it. He seems a poor bet for a real relationship.July 17, 2017 at 2:07 pm #641865
Nancy— your guy is still a baby and hasn’t grown yet. You are a young mother hence your maturity level is different than his. He is only 26 years old. He wants to explore the world and want to find himself. You shouldn’t let him be in your life because these type of guys leave you for something better or give an excuse that they aren’t ready yet. You’ve a kid and introducing him to her wouldn’t work out that well. He will see how much work kids are and would definitely get scared. If he is listening to his parents and gets distant, this shows his maturity level. He can’t decide for his own. Let him go and move to a better mature person for yourself and your daughter.July 17, 2017 at 2:55 pm #641877
Why is he expecting you or his parents to make his decision for him? If he was sure, he’d be sure. But he has doubts and he’s blaming them on everyone except him.
Men make wild promises in the first few months together sometimes. He’s backtracking. He said he was confident in your relationship. How he isn’t. It’s because he said it too early before he knew you.
Leave him alone to work out what he wants. You’ve done the right thing. Now he can decide if he’s all in or if he isn’t. But don’t let him back until he’s decided.July 17, 2017 at 4:47 pm #641895
Ha! He sounds just like my ex. Made excuses for why we couldn’t be together (he was moving two hours away. what the f*ck is two hours?) and all this other crap.
Honey, you deserve better than someone who needs time to decide if they wanna be with you or not. Dump this chump. Stop letting him be confused on YOUR time. Your time is valuable too. Don’t let him waste it.July 17, 2017 at 5:25 pm #641901
He’s exhausted with all these deep talks. After four months you need a man who makes being in a relationship easy. It shouldn’t be so hard. What a drama qeen. (Him). Lol.July 19, 2017 at 12:40 am #642197
T from NY
Never. Ever. Waste your time on a man that states he is not sure about you. He’s told you this not just once — but several times from the sound of it. 4 months is long enough for a man to know if he wants to pursue something.
I don’t care if he’s just not grown yet. Or if he’s having second thoughts. Or he ate an oatmeal cookie that gave him a stomach ache! It’s absurd to think it’s okay he’s not thinking about you when he’s away! The first 6 months to a year should be FIRE. Or at least intense interest. It’s way too soon for these embers to be dying. Whatever his reasons; and whether he consciously understands them or not — He’s not ready.
You sound ready. Do not settle. Big fat beautiful lasting love is out there. Actually it’s already inside you — and a confident (about you) man will just add to it.July 20, 2017 at 5:03 am #642477
Thank you so much for all these comments – they have all helped so much actually. I really know that he’s not right for me and my daughter due to him taking me for granted & his immaturity. But it was just really surreal and hard to accept as only a week ago we were very much together & having a lovely time. I was unsure if he just needed space as was overwhelmed by his parents negativity & unsure of what he wanted temporarily but it seems that his uncertainty in himself & in his readiness for building a proper relationship is not something that’s going to be resolved in any short space of time. I am really sad to lose what we had as I had an amazing time with him. But it’s not right.
I saw after 5 days he had changed his FB status back to display Single on his profile.. classy.. so I contacted him to clarify – did he see our convo as us ending things for good & was he happy with that decision … his response was:
“I was sure we’d decided that that was it for us for the time being and that I had some stuff to sort out re myself.
I felt that was the conclusion we reached.”
Then he elaborated saying: “I think it’s for the best. I’m not 100% with things and I really don’t want to mess you about. You’re an amazing human being. It could just be that we are in different places. Or rather that I’ve got a little way to go.”
And so I was like “ok. Good luck with everything” and he said he wishes me the best in every area of life and ended with “you deserve everything”
It just seems so cold an emotionless to end it finally you like that on bloody phone messaging. Shows his immaturity and lack of balls really.
Has made me lose a lot of respect for him and in a way made it easier to forget about him and move on but it still hurts. 🙁