3 dates already… is it okay for the girl now to initiate dates?

I agree with lane. Don’t initiate plans until he’s your boyfriend.

I’m a 26 year old woman and I agree with your guy friends. The guy that I’m seeing had asked me out to dinner three weekends in a row and the fourth, we were casually texting back and forth after work, and I asked him if he wanted to grab dinner and he said yes and so we went. I asked him later if he was going to ask since he had asked me what I was doing that night, then didn’t actually ask to do anything, and he said, “maybe, but I was honestly hoping you’d ask me so I’d know you reciprocated interest.” Not only that, but I also paid that night. When the check came, he pulled his wallet out, but I said, “no, I’ve got it” and he tried to refuse, then finally asked if he could at least pay his half, and I told him, “you’ve taken me out to dinner multiple times — I’ve got it!” and he thanked me. That was 3 months ago and we’re still seeing each other regularly, in fact, he has even come over to take care of me this past week when I was hungover (haha) and then texted me later that night saying, “gotta take care of you!”

While I usually agree with the advice given by the women on here, I respectfully disagree. If someone has taken you on three dates then is chased away by you asking them to grab a bite to eat, they’re likely childish or not legitimate in the first place.

Lane,

I totally agree. I would strongly recommend someone letting the man make the move if she’s not clearly of his level of interest. However, if you know there’s a high level of interest, there’s nothing wrong with asking him to do something. Truth is, men can be just as insecure as women. So as usual, you would go with your gut in this situation.

Thanks, Ladies.

I appreciate your replies — I’ve decided it really comes down to knowing myself and how I feel intuitively, and what would be most authentic for ME – what would be me being myself, what feels comfortable. What makes me feel confident.

In this case, my interest in him is high enough where I feel less awkward asking him to hang out again, then the awkwardness of me trying really hard not to. I’m going to do it casually, and I am a little fearful because he’s been busy lately and I don’t want to come across as pushy – but sometimes I psych myself out by worrying about being something that I’m really not. In the past, guys have loved it when I’ve initiated – I usually ended up just not being all that into them. But they loved my initiating.

I’m going with my guy friend on this one. I’m going to follow the guy’s lead, but I’m definitely not going to wait until I’m ‘official’ with someone to initiate conversation and getting together.

I am not an expert, but my intuition is… there are no strict rules like that. Of course, it is a major turn off when you’re pushing someone, chasing – and it is a turn-off in all kinds of relationships. I have a friend (a female friend) who is doing this at the moment. I forgot about her birthday, but – just to be polite – I apologized later and said that we have to get a pint to celebrate some day. And then I never got back to her. It’s her who nonetheless left a message a few days later. I DIDN’T REPLY AT ALL. And now, can you imagine, she writes again and asks whether I am free this week for her birthday pint that I mentioned. And true, this is a major turn-off. Simply because I can’t understand how someone can be so socially clueless. I may go for this pint with her if I don’t have anything better to do, but even then, it will be mostly because I feel obliged to.

My point is – of course, you cannot be pushy with no-one, not a girlfriend, nor a boyfriend, nor someone you’ve just starting to date. It’s crucial to have some basic sense of tact and dignity.

On the other hand, avoiding to ask a guy out – after a few dates – simply becuase it can be a turn-off is just… playing stupid mind-games. I agree that no normal guy will disappear for such a small reason.

I am on this site because of a guy that I am now dating. So far it was all fine – according to above lines. I don’t even know who was initiating. We’ve been hanging around a lot as friends before. Then it was definitely him who made a step to get out of a friend zone – he made clear that it’s not all about just hanging out for him. But then… I don’t even know who was initiating. Mostly him, sometimes me. I stood him up once, he stood me up once. Then I initiated, he replied immediately and invited me for a coffee. And so on. I would say it 65% – 35% (he initiates 65%). And I think this is normal – you just don’t even think too much about who initiates. When you feel likeit, you do, when you don’t, you don’t. Sometimes, when you feel that it would too much, tactless, then you have to back off. That’s pretty simple. No sophisticated mind-games. Just some basic intuition and sense of tact.

Unfortunately, with the guy who brought me here things got more complicated.
1) Even though he made clear that we’re not just friends, he never tried to kiss me. I once got a kiss on a cheek and that’s it. And I was already hoping he would…
2) He invited me to a cinema, but then had to cancel. He had a good reason, he had to visit his family because of some health problems of his close ones, so I was trying to be cool about it. Only now, I noticed that the movie that he invited me to (it was a particular old movie that we were planning to see for a few weeks) is now being played daily.

That’s why I’m here. That has put me into anxiety mode. It was him who started, I have never thought that he’s more than a friend, but we got close and I started to like him… and maybe it’s just my period talking (I am on period at the moment), but I’m starting to have all those thoughts like ‘he’s too good for me’, ‘he is losing interest’ etc.

I am leaving for Christmas in a few days and was hoping to see him before I leave. Also, on this Tuesday I finish work late, I would like to have a pint with him after work.

Normally, I wouldn’t hesitate. I would text him on Tuesday, being confident that he’ll agree and even if he didn’t agree, I wouldn’t worry about it at all. Only now, unfortunately, given the above 2 points, I am not sure if it’s a good idea.

Any advice?

The guy asked you out THREE times. It is totally normal to ask him now but don’t make it an official date invitation. Simply suggest to do something. One thing you mentioned made me stop for a second. That he has been busy lately. This busy thing is never good and it maybe because he gets no reciprocation from you.

Thank you all for your replies!

It’s day 1 of my period, as usual – extremely depressive. But I feel a bit better now, after reading your replies.

He has shown me a lot of interest. At the beginning I was even concerned that maybe a bit too much. But it was very sweat – he simply got very interested in things that I like. He reads all my favorite books! :) He also remembers all the smallest things about me, like the name of my favorite perfum etc.

Funny how things shift though, just a few weeks ago I really wouldn’t think that he can be anything more than a colleague (I was actually crushing on a different guy at the time, who turned out to be a jerk). Now I sometimes catch myself thinking that he is ‘too good to be true’. He is good. He is very ambitious, successful, handsome, but also very tactful, considerate and so sweat.

I guess I’ll wait a bit… maybe he’ll reach out to me first. But if he doesn’t, then I will contact him on Tuesday. I really want to see him before I leave. And even if he won’t be able to make it, I guess it’s not the end of the world. If he was so into me, then he won’t just disappear for no serious reason.