On Loving Yourself and Becoming More Confident post image

On Loving Yourself and Becoming More Confident


It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere ~Agnes Repplier

I was once a very foolish little lady and I know I’m not alone. I wanted a boyfriend more than anything. I never stopped to wonder why I just wanted it. Now this isn’t gonna be a tale about how I wanted it and it didn’t happen and then when I stopped wanting it, it did. My desperation did somehow result in a relationship and from there, chaos ensued.

Saying I wanted a boyfriend had a very clear underlying message- I wanted to be loved, desired, to feel good about myself, to have someone there to make me feel good about myself when I didn’t. During the course of our relationship my moods were totally contingent upon the way he responded to me- a compliment would lead to exhilaration. An insult? Well I’d fall to pieces.

Not surprisingly, the relationship didn’t last and it was only in the years after that I realized the reason why- I was looking outside myself for love and approval, a fatal misstep I see committed all the time. After this relationship ended, I truly learned the value of loving myself, and I found that with my newfound confidence, I was a much happier person out of the relationship than I had ever been when I was in it.

My motivation for this post came the other day while reading Feeling Good by David D. Burns (a book I HIGHLY recommend) specifically this passage: “People who have found happiness within themselves are usually the most desirable to members of the opposite sex and become like magnets because they are at peace and generate a sense of joy.” While these insights aren’t anything new, I felt compelled to examine this concept in more depth because for some reason, I think most of us put this very vital knowledge on the back burner.

We’ve all been told that before you can find a truly significant relationship, it is essential to love yourself. But how does one cultivate such a love? I have faced my fair share of insecurity and self-doubt but these burdens are mostly a thing of the past for me now and I have evolved into someone who is truly confident in every way.

This didn’t happen magically, it took some work and a major attitude overall which was done using the tips listed below.

Stop Thinking Negative Thoughts

Negative thoughts are inevitable. Sometimes we think them to ourselves and other times we lament out load in hopes of getting some reassurance- “I’m so Fat” “I’m so Gross” “I’m never gonna be successful,” you know how the good old insecurity song and dance goes. Well from now on, stop entertaining these thoughts! When a negative thought pops into your head, cut it off right then and there. A technique I like to use is to think the exact opposite when a bad thought enters my mind. If I start thinking ‘ugh, I’m so tired, I so do NOT wanna do any work today,’ I’ll identify that this is a negative thought that is of no value to me and then say the exact opposite ‘I am so energized! I’m gonna get so much done today!’ It may sound silly, but trust me, it works.

Thoughts are real forces, and they have a huge impact on your mood and mindset. When you are thinking negative thoughts, you are creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. The good news is that you can control the thoughts that enter your mind and you don’t have to pay attention to the negative ones. Every thought resonates through your mind and body and creates a vibration which will make those thoughts a reality. If you don’t want to have a bad day or feel bad about yourself, then start thinking great thoughts!


Figure Out What Confidence Looks Like

It doesn’t matter what other people think of you, it’s the thoughts you have about yourself that makes all the difference. If you want to be more confident, then make a list that details what confidence looks like and act accordingly. If you want to try out a bold look but feel hesitant, tell yourself: ‘a confident person doesn’t care what other people think and I’m a confident person and I like this outfit so I’ll wear it!’

If you’re afraid of approaching a guy because you’re scared he’ll reject you, well say to yourself: ‘a confident person doesn’t fear rejection because a confident person knows they’re fabulous and know they’re a catch in every sense and whoever doesn’t see that is missing out. I am a confident person and I will be satisfied if this guy responds to me but it won’t effect me if he doesn’t.’ It may sound silly, but trust me, in time, you will no longer be acting like a confident person, you will become one.


List your attributes

Talking about how great you are is definitely off-putting, acknowledging your attributes privately, however, is a wonderful thing and is a practice you all should adopt. You can write down your positive traits or consciously let them run through your mind. Everyone has positive attributes, from physical features to personality traits. From now on, forget what you’re lacking, or what you think you’re lacking, and focus on all the incredible things that make you who you are. You should love and celebrate who you are and it should be something that causes you to experience great happiness and pride, never shame or despair.

Know that you CAN be happy alone

Having a significant other is a wonderful thing, but it isn’t the only thing and it certainly doesn’t make you complete, despite what the Hallmark cards might say. If you don’t have a special someone in your life, it’s okay, it’s actually great because you get to be totally selfish and get to live life only for you which is a luxury people in couples do not enjoy! Before you can be happy with someone else, you truly need to find happiness within yourself. We are all wonderful, amazing creatures and given that, we certainly do not need a man to mirror this right back to us.

- SABRINA ALEXIS

{ 53 comments… add one }

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Lori

THANK YOU , THANK YOU , THANK YOU!! This article was a big eye opener for me. I believe this is going to help me in getting back to being my true self. Now I know how to be happy within.

Reply July 16, 2014, 8:40 pm

susi

Thank you so much. This article help me and it’s very good.

Reply June 28, 2014, 11:36 pm

Rebecca

Your article couldn’t have come at a better time. This is me to a T. I lack self confidence, not only in my personal life, but also in my work place! Its amazing the power you gain by shifting all the negatives into positives!! Thank you so much for your inspiring words! Very life changing!!!!

Reply June 24, 2014, 7:40 am

Nana

Awesome article!.

Happiness comes from within. Self love attracts love.

Thanks so much Sabrina

Reply June 21, 2014, 5:15 pm

Nana

Awesome article!.

Happiness comes from within. Self love attracts love.

Thanks so much Sabrina

Reply June 21, 2014, 5:14 pm

claire

Wow, what a great inspiring article, just by reading it made me feel better, its printed off and highlighted and is pinned up for me to read at any time i need a reminder.
Thanks Sabrina.

Reply June 3, 2014, 4:04 pm

Thembisile

Thank you so much for the research and the tips. Your newsletter has managed to change my life around. I place more value on myself. I am currently single but i will use your research when i start dating. Please keep up the excellent work.

Reply May 8, 2014, 5:45 am

Jessica

Thank you for writing this article. I feel better just after reading it. I am trying to figure out how I can read it daily. I need to repeat these things to myself. I am confident. I have my own approval to do the things that make me happy. I am going to be a better version of my self. I am going to do my work to loving myself wholly.

Reply April 18, 2014, 8:34 pm

Lacey

Thanks for this article. I am going to go get that book you recommended today!

Reply December 12, 2013, 8:32 pm

Cante

Being happy alone is easy. Being happy in a relationship is difficult.

Reply December 11, 2013, 7:54 am

Courtney

This article inspires me!!!!!!

Reply October 22, 2013, 10:04 pm

kitso

thanx for sharing this, its really uplifting. just wish other women could read it. we forget how valuable we are at times.

Reply September 18, 2013, 5:04 am

Lisa Gobinsingh

I am lapping up this article. It is so inspiring. I totally agree with everything said. Recently I started affirming some of the ideas suggested in this article and they are working. I definitely will be doing all the rest . Thank you very much and keep doing the fantastic work that you do. Have a blessed day.

Lisa

Reply June 6, 2013, 9:52 am

Maria

I am working on all of these things currently. I have been separated from my husband for almost a year now and we are divorcing. This whole last year took a toll on my confidence and self-esteem. When I told people that I was not going to date for a year after my divorce was finalized they all thought I was crazy. My thinking is I can not confidently move into a new relationship with all of the trash from the last on continuing to cloud my current life. I need to figure out who I am look at my past relationship and own my part of why it didn’t work out if I ever want to be in a healthy long term relationship. In my past relationship my husband had cheated on me which distorted my already dwindling self esteem and confidence after having our first child then when my first child was six months old I found out I was pregnant with our second child. In going through this pregnancy by myself I thought who would want to be with me. A single mother of two very small children. What I have found is that once I am secure with myself I will attract men that are secure with themselves. Which is what I want. I don’t want to be rescued, I don’t want to attract a man that wants to be rescued. Once I have fully come to a place of acceptance of myself and become the grown adult woman I want to be then I am sure I will attract the kind of man I want to be with. :)

Reply June 5, 2013, 12:43 am

Yadira

Thank you! I have been looking for advice like this.
I entered a relationship because I wanted someone to make me feel better and tell me that i was beautiful. I now understand that i cant expect to get that from him and I will try to love myself. Hopefully I will learn to love myself and the relationship will improve.

Thank you so much.

Reply April 13, 2013, 4:16 pm

Euris

Is any way that I can publish this on my facebook page?

Reply February 17, 2013, 9:14 pm

Alice

I loved this- thank you so much. :)

Reply November 27, 2012, 12:39 pm

Niki

Its an amazing article . Thats true we should love ourselves. I got to learn many things. I have started taking your advice and its really helpful.

Reply November 15, 2012, 2:03 am

George

Correct me if I’m wrong, but is this site geared only to females? Well I’m a man, and I found myself reading this article and was just captivated by all the great information that I will apply to my life! I’m going through a divorce as we speak, so you can only imagine my self esteem, confidence and so on is low. But, having read this I’m already starting to feel better! I’m looking at the positives in my life, my daughters, my great job, my great family and friends, but most of all now, myself. Thank you SABRINA ALEXIS!

Reply October 27, 2012, 5:44 am

Daisy

Wow this article just popped into my life at the right time …
I’ll be sure to start using every tip starting today!thank u soooo much

Reply October 23, 2012, 11:47 am

Avis

I just want to say that you and Eric are Awesome!!! I needed to hear (read) this!!! I am grateful to God for allowing me to stumble upon this website. It has been a very informative and inspirational ,blessing to me and I am SURE to many other women!!! Keep doing a GREAT JOB as you have been. You both are going to go far!! THANK YOU SO MUCH for your sincerity, encouragement, and efforts (in general)!!

-Avis

Reply September 27, 2012, 6:43 am

Anais

This article made me smile and was reassurance that I am on the right track. “Loving yourself first” sounds cliche and it’s like we all heard that before, but it’s like nowadays I really “get it” you know? I appreciate you insights and would love to learn more from the book you recommended.

Reply September 25, 2012, 4:19 pm

Liv

awesome article! but the phrase “easier said than done” seems to apply here – at least for me. how do you feel confident when your personal encouragement feels like you’re lying to yourself? sometimes i think, “oh don’t be stupid any moron with a brain knows ________ isn’t true!” you know? help!

Reply July 7, 2012, 12:34 am

Pamela Wills

Sabrina, what a fabulous article! So many people, women and men, will benefit from your words. Many of the clients I work with struggle with low confidence issues and the exercises you suggest do work wonders. Thank you for sharing your very helpful thoughts and suggestions with the world!

Reply June 15, 2012, 1:23 pm

Linda

Sabrina,
I think you have made some excellent comments regarding the importance of feeling good about yourself and possessing a healthy self love and image. I am in a great relationship now but read your posts because I enjoy breading them, they are very worthwhile and I have some single girlfriends that I forward them to.

I do feel however that as humans, we are inherently programmed to desire companionship and even the most self confident and independent person (male or female) is subject to feeling s of loneliness after some time when they do not have a significant other to enjoy spending time with and providing some emotional security.

Even if one has a full life, good career, good family,friends, and support system, there is nothing wrong with wanting companionship and love. I am always leery of feminist inspired articles that state that you “don’t need a man (or woman.)” We DO need each each other mentally and physically. There’s a difference between a healthy normal need and an insecurity based neediness.

I am a mature woman who was married for 23 years, then divorced and spent many years in the dating pool. I have grown children, great friends, family and am independent and self confident. I traveled around the world solo on several occasions and have a full life. During the time that I did not have a partner I missed having the companionship and did feel lonely many times. I must say that now that I am in a relationship it is much better than being single. I do not depend on him to fulfill me, and unlike your article, if he says something that I don’t agree I stand up for myself and don’t let his moods/words control me. The person that allows another person to control how they are feeling is neurotic and immature, that isn’t normal behavior.
But if my partner was not in my life I know that it would be very lonely without him. When you are over 45, the dating scene is very challenging as there are fewer eligible men, and many of those men prefer younger women. I know how lucky I am. That doesn’t mean that I will be a doormat, but I am willing to compromise a bit more than when I was younger because the “pickins’ are slim and one needs to learn acceptance.(That’s another subject.) But I would never put up with disrespectful behavior.
I’m juust saying that “needing” someone is a normal human feeling. Do not make it out to always be a bad thing. Loneliness is proven to be a conduit to depression in humans.

Reply June 4, 2012, 9:56 am

Krista

Beautifully said!

Reply October 10, 2013, 9:31 am

Jane

Well stated!thanks!
Loving our selves for what we are without caring about all criticizes,looks,and media outside is a real truth whether we believe it or not

But i am not sure how we can reach the acceptable positive self acceptance and confidence for a life time,something that lasts and becomes a part of our characters

I’ve read/practiced almost all of Dr.Burn books,they are great but i’m still dealing with low self acceptance and anxiety…

I suppose simple practices also would be encouraging :(

Reply May 17, 2012, 3:32 pm

Kim

Well, I say rock on Sabrina! I came out of an abusive marriage 7 years ago. I have learned to be happy with myself. Ive only started dating recently. Havent even been on 3 dates to this day. My problem was fear! I was fearful that I would end up with another loser! This made my second marriage. My dad didnt help matters by telling me that I always end up with losers! So, Ive been alone without a boyfriend for 7 yrs. But, I feel that Im ready to move forward in my life and find a great guy! Im 53 yrs old and look 40, so I dont have problems attracting men. But, I had to learn to first love myself and the interests I have. Your message is very wise and I hope more women will learn the value of this truth….

Reply May 9, 2012, 12:31 am

Colvera

Hey, i do agree with Caz. I’m very confident in life and i always think that nothing is impossible even though people think that those thing are impossible in life. However, yes in certain time i do have those negative thought especially in love. So, this article really meaningful to me. After a few months gone, i start to realize that when u feel confident, is not you trying to get a guy. But they will come to you. Honestly, even though there’s a guy you love left you for some reason. You still feel strong because of the confident you have. Right now, i enjoying my life more and i love being me no matter how simple i am.

Reply April 30, 2012, 8:25 am

Nancy J. Hall

Preach on… Years ago, I learned this lesson all too well. I love me some me!

Nancy

Reply April 23, 2012, 4:26 pm

Vicki Ashley K.

Thanks Sabrina, great article! I feel more confident just reading it!!!

Reply April 19, 2012, 8:49 am

Matty

I think I don’t give a damn about men anymore. I DO WHAT I WANT AND WHAT MAKES ME FEEL HAPPY. It’s true if you are not happy, no man can make you happy, you are the source of your happiness.

Reply February 20, 2012, 3:51 am

Imane

Thanks, that’s a very helpful article. Being confident solves 90% of my problems.
Telling myself positive thoughts all the time made my life so much easier than it was. Thanks for the book, also I found it helpful reading (The power), a book by Rhonda Byrne.

Reply January 26, 2012, 6:50 am

Sarah-Jane

This is such an inspirational article to women. I recently came out of a bad relationship and I have completely lost my confidence, I was constantly being dis respected and it wasn’t a healthy relationship. I’m currently unemployed after uni, no boyfriend and living at home with no money. But now I am going to take your advice and change my life for me! Be a strong, confident, independent woman and knock out all negative comments. 2012 I will have a job, move out and be in a much better mind frame to be in a healthy, equal relationship. I really admire all the advice you 2 give.

Reply December 12, 2011, 4:25 pm

Lilmisslady

This is absolutely awesome stuff!! Will not neglect to live by this from now on forward.
I have made notes on this and I shall read this every night before I go to sleep at night to wake up with a smile on my face knowing that I am extraordinarily beautiful and unique and worthy in my own kind of way and that I don’t need reassurance from anybody for that matter on anybodies approval on me being accepted. All that matters, is me accepting myself for who I as an individual and embracing all my good and positive qualities.

Reply December 9, 2011, 9:23 pm

Colvera

Thanks for this article. I really appreciate it.

Reply November 20, 2011, 2:10 am

Colvera

Thank you for On Loving Yourself and Becoming More Confident article. Its really amazing and gave me full of s strength.

Reply November 20, 2011, 2:04 am

Sandie L

A funny story. I had been seeing this guy for about 2 months and when I am with him, I noticed that my confidence was way up and I felt ‘loved’ even though we are not dating. He surely has a high confidence to be able to radiate it onto other ppl like he does to myself. The morning after I had hung out him, I was at the laundry mat. The place was empty except for 1 person in there besides myself. I was in a rush, my hair was a muck and I’m tossing clothes in the washer when out of the corner of the room I hear this loudish “HI!” I look over my shoulder and out the corner of my eye and see this elderly man – veteran, standing there smiling away at me. I gave him a nice Hello back and left. I returned about 1/2hr later to put my wash in the dryer. Im in the same position as before when he walks by and says “Have a good day, Pretty Lady” That totally made my day and I thanked him for it. This was the FIRST time I had a complete stranger do that to me and I believe it is because my confidence was radiating.

I wanted to share to go along with the article and its positive word.

Reply November 19, 2011, 8:42 am

Kat

This article couldn’t have come at a better time for me..I really needed to read this. I have been lacking confidence since a child. I have been longing for a boyfriend, thinking that it would fulfill me, instead of loving myself. I have been the queen of negative thoughts. Time for a change. Thank you for this article.

Reply October 6, 2011, 1:00 am

hazel

I love this article. I definitely can relate and I’m struggling to find that inner happiness. Im rushing in everything lately and I feel like nothing works. I’ve been working on myself. I hope to be a different person soon. I really need to work on confidence

Reply September 23, 2011, 2:21 am

harsheel

good one, liked it a lot!

Reply April 26, 2011, 6:30 pm

Terry

I love every word of this post, and I’m re-tweeting it.

Reply September 29, 2010, 12:02 pm

margaret

Thank u so much, I have bin feeling so down and this realyy helped me. I never thought that I could be happy without my boyfriend and now u have shown me I can. Thank you SO much!!!!

Reply March 6, 2010, 2:08 am

Josi

Thanks for this!
Love yourself and others will follow :D.

Reply September 20, 2009, 7:33 am

Lauren

I actually just bought this book at the suggestion of a friend… so I am so glad I am not the only one feeling this way! Thank you so much for being so honest and reminding everyone that you can only be happy when you are happy with yourself!

Reply July 1, 2009, 1:50 pm

Eric Charles

Thank you for the comments. We really appreciate it and we love hearing it. :)

Reply June 21, 2009, 8:04 pm

Luiza Gallas

I am totally amazed. Girly websites are usually all about what GUYS think, or what you can do to make them like you. Not only this post, but i fell in love with this whole website!

Reply June 21, 2009, 3:58 pm

Renee

This was encouraging. I think for a while I relied on my boyfriend for happiness and security and I ended up really isolating myself. It was a horrible time for me because he ended up leaving and I had to get myself back on my feet again. I’m a whole lot better now, but there are times here and there when I need to remember to love myself and to keep a positive outlook. I almost forgot what it was like to be me, and it was definitely an eye opening experience to go through. Thanks for this post. It’s a good reminder.

Reply June 17, 2009, 2:12 am

Whit

I’m so living for this article!….it was a much needed read.

Reply June 13, 2009, 5:08 pm

Birdie

This is a great article! Love yourself and the world will follow. Love the world and life only gets better!

Reply June 9, 2009, 11:27 am

Cassie

Great post… amazing tips that everyone should follow!

Reply May 27, 2009, 7:49 am

Natalia

Great Article! Just Love It!!! :)
Natalia from Argentina

Reply May 22, 2009, 10:05 pm

Caz Wheeler

Great article. Definitely believe in pretty much every point you’ve mentioned. Although I consider myself a confident individual, there are times when negative thoughts creep in my head. I’ll start trying the advice mentioned above to eliminate those pesky thoughts which do nothing but bring me down.

xjcx

Reply May 22, 2009, 12:21 pm

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