The Most Important Relationship Advice You Will Ever Receive post image

The Most Important Relationship Advice You Will Ever Receive


Over the years I’ve been in my fair share of relationships. I’ve also been what felt like the third party in many of my friends’ relationships as I used my years of wisdom to help them through every step of their relationships. There is one key ingredient that will determine the success, or failure, of a relationship. When I look back at the times when I’ve struggled and felt tortured trying to figure out why guys act the way they do, and when I see my friends in similar predicaments, one major and fundamental issue is invariably at the heart of the matter.

Eric and I dish out a lot of relationship advice on this site. We help you understand why that guy who seemed so into you at first is suddenly acting shady or why the guy that acts like you’re boyfriend won’t just call you his girlfriend. While we’re happy to supply you with these explanations, we’d be remiss if we didn’t cover one fundamental truth about relationships: you will never find love with another until you find it within yourself.

I know, it’s one of those facts that makes you roll your eyes but in truth, it makes all the difference in the world. When you love yourself, you don’t care why he’s being shady and blowing you off or why he won’t just put a label on it because you know your worth and your value. You won’t even need to call up your loyal girlfriends and listen to them tell you that you can do so much better than him because it’s a freakin’ given!

When you love yourself, the whole world reacts to you differently. You’ll notice strangers looking at you with a curious smile, people will be kind and friendly to you for seemingly no good reason at all. Friends will always seek you out and want to be in your company, and members of the opposite sex will go into a tizzy trying to prove they’re worthy. Why? Because people who love themselves have that inner light that draws others in. They have that magnetic force of positivity that people orient towards and want to be near.

How do I know this? Well I’ve let my pendulum swing wildly from self-love to self-loathing and back again far too many times through the years and the changes I see, both in myself and the way others respond towards me, are staggering each time.

Over the past few months I’ve been on a bit of a spiritual journey some might say. I’ve been reading and talking to experts (I even saw a few psychics, no judgment!). I was lost and I wanted to find that pure, unwavering self love and hold onto it. I’ve spent a lot of time learning from others and reflecting upon my own life and have uncovered some wonderful ways to help you attain that ever-elusive but endlessly rewarding love for yourself.

Journal
We could all really learn something from our former Tween selves by resurrecting the act of consistent journaling. It’s kind of funny how the act of writing in a journal gets left behind in our teen years. Journaling helped me get through a lot of trying times during my teen years and is doing the same for me in adulthood. It’s hard to really describe but you develop a really strong sense of self and self awareness through journaling. Personally speaking, I’ve discovered a lot about what I want out of life and what my values are deep down. I’ve also learned to recognize bad thought patterns and am now better able to adjust them on the spot.

Down the road, your journals will serve as almost a history book chronicling the trials and tribulations that defined your life. I am amazed when I read through my old entries, through thoughts and emotions that are no longer with me but definitely made an indelible impression and shaped who I am.

Meditate
Meditating gives you the chance to spend some valuable time with the most important person in your life, YOU. Between work, school, groceries,  appointments, and  happy hours, we can easily loose ourselves in the hustle and bustle of every day lives. It’s also very easy to lose a sense of who you are and what you really want in life while you’re struggling to just get it all done.

At first, the concept of meditation sounded ridiculous to me, not to mention, boring and a huge waste of time. It’s hard to describe what happens within you when you turn off the TV and laptop and phone and just sit with your thoughts but it can be magical and extremely enlightening. In any relationship you need to make time to spend with the other person, the same applies to your relationship with yourself.  So try to set aside a minimum of 10 minutes  a day to just sit with yourself and listen to nothing but your thoughts. Meditating can also do wonders when it comes to decreasing your level of stress and that inner calm will do wodners for your overall well-being and self-satisfaction.

See the Good in Others
This may sound easy, but trust me, it’s a lot more challenging than it sounds! When I say see the good in others, I mean ALL others. I mean the ex who cheated on you, the friend who bails whenever it matters, the coffee guy who screwed up your order, yet again, the co-worker who didn’t pull his/her weight leaving you to pick up the slack, and so on.

When you start seeing the good in others, you will first and foremost be a much happier more zen person. And with practice, you will automatically be trained to see the good in everything, including yourself. When something goes wrong, you won’t bee yourself up over it, instead, you’ll be able to extract those hard-to-see pieces of good and use those to move forward. It’s a much better alternative to letting yourself be buried underneath the bad, don’t you think?

Accept It or Change It
Everyone has things they like and dislike about themselves, both physical and internal. Rather than dwelling on the things you don’t like, make a concerted effort to either work on said traits, or embrace them as being part of who you are. When you’re in a relationship, that person is dating all of you, not just the bits and pieces you want them to see. In order to be in a truly successful relationship, one in which you don’t need to rely on the way the other person sees you, then you first need to learn to accept and love all the pieces that make you who you are. I mean when you think about it, if even you can’t learn to love certain aspects of yourself, how can you expect anyone else to?

 

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erin

I have been dping similar thing and realized I have been allowing my long distance relatipnship with this guy put me in fear. Turns out I went see him we had great few days week later he didnt bother tell me. The guy shuts me out or keeps me in shadows and keeps me dangling. I want tell him I deserve respect trust from him and honesty. How do I tell him this is what I deserve in a way that doesnt make things worse. Or do I just walk away and not mentioning it. Im very aware his relationdhips with women are shortlived. My eyes are open what I want from within and these are core values believe in.

Reply September 18, 2014, 6:26 pm

Lenna

great article, Sabrina.
Reading through this really brought me to certain moments and things in my life and personality that I had and somehow, for some reason I let it go or lost (i dont know)…
I am 23 years old (yes, very young still), hehehe… but by blessing, I’ve always been a very aware and conscious person either to the things and people around me, AND to my own actions, behaviors and personality. I’ve always sword of meditated on my own attitudes and decisions and always looked for answers my own way and shaped my personality to what I want it to be through that process… but like you said on “Accept it or change it” sometimes its just better to embrace what you cant change….
We are in constant evolution in terms of our own personal spiritual growth and everyday is a new step.. to create and evolve. As an artist (musician- singer and composer), I go through periods (like at this present moment) when I cant acknowledge a lot of feelings and doubts because of the mass of changes I am going through as a spiritual individual at the moment and it totally reflects on my composition…
I’ve notice one thing while I was reading this article and others like Mike Fiore’s “7 Ways To Know If He Really Loves You” that during my previous relationship, I had the most amazing self confidence I ever had. and all those issues you guys addressed that most women have in relationships were nowhere to be found. I was very, very happy and respected in that relationship… (but of course, I still have dreams and passions to seek around the world and we had to split up, although we still talk every now and then).. and now am in a new country, with a different society and new people to meet everyday, with sooo many great guys to meet ;) and I found myself lost in confidence and self esteem…. actually this lack of it is what led me to subscribe to your articles… I am trying a new “thing” (it can be called a flirt or whatever) with a guy and I am all lost with no confidence at all. Wondering if he likes me, if he accepts me, seeking for approval…. and just not having control of my own actions… its quite funny when I sit back and rethink about the situations with him involved… I just laugh at myself and be like: wtf??? what were you thinking, girl??? hehehe.. and then wish i could redeem myself and then when I meet him again it becomes catastrophic cause now am thinking too much (about redeeming from the previous encounter) hahahahaha.. I was laughing at eric’s article “A Common Mistake Most Women Make (Especially At The Beginning Of Relationships)” when he said: “she was thinking about if she
texts him and he responds one way,
maybe they’ll start dating…
And if he doesn’t respond, then she’ll
be crushed forever with embarrassment
and her chances with him will be gone
forever.” (…) “Don’t start planning your wedding
day after your first date – that’s
a guaranteed way to scare him
out of his mind.”
;)
anyway.. just to say thank you for this great article…. :)
it pulled me back to my ground self… will go back to my meditation and I will keep writing and writing more… :)
abraços (hugs in portuguese). :)

Reply December 25, 2012, 10:31 am

Alice

I know, it’s one of those facts that makes you roll your eyes but in truth, it makes all the difference in the world. When you love yourself, you don’t care why he’s being shady and blowing you off or why he won’t just put a label on it because you know your worth and your value. You won’t even need to call up your loyal girlfriends and listen to them tell you that you can do so much better than him because it’s a freakin’ given!

I AM NOT ROLLING MY EYES, BUT I FIND IT VERY IMPORTANT to be able to know if I am dating someone who is real or not, with real, I mean a guy who also knows what he wants and who don´t play “games” of love. I have one rule, be honest with my self and him about what I want and what I don´t want, and is not easy but is better than going around in a fantasy cloud , pretending that he cares as much as me, when he doesn´t.

Reply June 28, 2012, 12:12 pm

Krystan

It’s so funny because I completely stumbled upon this website by accident. I was actually googling stupid things like “What does it mean if a guy only texts you at night?” and things of that sort. I’m honestly SO GLAD I came across here because I have found all your advice helpful and very true (in my opinion). I think I’ve read almost every one of these articles and have definitely gotten so much out of them. It’s insane because I’ve come to so many realizations after reading all of the advice you and Eric give. And I’ve noticed a change with how people react to me as well! This is a little off topic but I was in a 2.5 year relationship with my high school sweet heart (Lets call him F) and then all of a sudden things just started going down hill. For a while many people said that they thought we were the perfect couple because we would never fight, and seemed to be in the “honey moon” stage the majority of our relationship. Prior to this relationship, though, I always thought myself to be very independent..maybe even guarded, because I had been cheated on in the past by a different ex. But with F, I let my guard down and realized it was okay to be vulnerable. It’s strange to reflect back on it, though, because after reading your articles, I see why things didn’t work out. It all makes complete sense. Somewhere along the road, I lost my independent nature and grew rather needy. I kept seeking confirmation about our “awesome” our relationship was. And of course, the failure of our relationship wasn’t entirely my fault. He was growing distant and there was a lack of communication going on. But now I see that at one point, he and I stopped connecting on a deeper level. It almost seems as though we ran out of things to say, so our relationship became very transparent/shallow. Given, I was busy with nursing school and he had things going on in his life, so I’m sure that didn’t help. It came to a point where it felt like we were both living separate lives from each other (which I know is ideally a good thing, but it almost felt inconvenient to spend time together). We were growing apart rather than growing together. And now, almost two years later, I’ve been struggling to get back on my feet in the dating world. I think I was almost shocked because no guys were hitting on me nor approaching me. There I was, ready to be out and meeting new people, and yet guys didn’t seem to flock to me like I thought they would. I can’t say that I’m a solid 10/10, but I’m pretty cute and have a good sense of humor so I was puzzled as to why it had taken a year for someone to ask me on a date. Then one night, when I was questioning whether this one guy I was texting considered me as a booty call, I came across this site. Like I said before, after stumbling across here that evening I read nearly everything! And suddenly something inside me changed. I stopped caring whether or not he was interested in something more or why he stopped texting me. I didn’t care that guys weren’t approaching me. I was finally mentally/emotionally sound with being single, with or without guys trying to pursue me. After this article in particular I felt totally content with myself, and stopped babysitting my phone waiting on this guy to text me. I started understanding that MY time is valuable – that I’m valuable – and that any guy I invest time in should be considered lucky haha. And after this revelation and attitude change, I noticed guys acting differently towards me. Last Friday, my friend and I were approached by two guys who work at an art exhibit and we were then invited to an after hours party. The day after that, last Saturday, my friend and I were stuck in traffic and a car of guys were trying to hit on us. And that same day we went to a restaurant where our waiter gave me three free beers and threw our check away?! I was completely puzzled as to why guys seemed more receptive to me, but then I realized it must have been the change in attitude and my newly found confidence. I made this comment extremely long, but I just had to tell you how much I enjoy reading and how helpful it has already been to me. Thanks again!

Reply June 21, 2012, 5:43 pm

Vee

It’s the most basic advice, actually but people forget about it. I learned that I should have it the hard way, but when I developed it things got better and better. I’m still a work in progress, but I can say I’m in a better place compared to exactly a year ago.

After 3-4 years of sacrificing myself for a person who dated me then friendzoned me (I thought he would see me in a “different light” later on), I told myself that I would have more self-love going on for my next relationship, and thankfully the relationship went well, but only for a while (7-9 months). The guy I went out was truly great (I still think he is) but our relationship got cut short because he realized he needed to develop his love of self further and I also realized that I have some issues to work out also. It’s an unusual case of love of self and love of others.. We let each other go because we love ourselves and love each other… Loving with our hearts and minds.. Other people would drag their relationships on until it bred hate, but we decided to break up with a healthy view of the other. One day I know I’ll be forever grateful to him for this..

I am thankful that he was able to put his love for me in the right perspective (meaning: he didn’t want to hold me down for his sake), which also helped me understand that I’ve done right in agreeing with the break up because it was in my agreeing that I was putting my love for him in the right perspective (meaning: I didn’t hold him down for my own sake).

:)

Reply March 29, 2012, 10:15 pm

Shea

i am going through hell! at first it was good . we have been going out for 4 months and the last 2 months have been pure hate. i dont do anything while he calls me ugly,that hes talking to someone elce, or when were on the phone he just ignores me and tells me to shut up and that he dosnt want to talk to me. He plays around alot when he says ‘we dont go together anymore’ i told him to stop playing like that and he just laughs. i try not to say anything back because i dont want to break up :( i know your sayin ” well hes been treating you bad” but i just love him sooo much and i cant see myself without him. He dosent care about what i do because he jus says do whatever you want. Please someone give me the advice i was waiting for because im so tired of crying a night thinking its my fault.

Reply March 3, 2012, 10:47 am

Chrysalis

Shea, I am only a fellow reader on this site, but your message just hit me. This guy’s treatment of you is abusive. A guy that really cares about you would never treat you this way. I see so many women putting up with such disrepectful treatment. The first time a man is disrepectful to you, you speak up and place your boundaries of what is not acceptable to you. If he disregards it, you walk. Don’t waste anymore of your precious time.

You deserve to be treated with love and respect. You have to believe and know that in your heart. I would break all contact with this guy. Get rid of anything you have that reminds you of him, and get busy with some girlfriends or join a marital arts class..get busy. You will meet someone new when you least expect it, and then you will look back and wonder what you ever saw in this guy now.

Reply March 4, 2012, 8:03 am

Rose

I have an ex bf who wanted to see me after almost a year. He told my friends that he made a big mistake and that all the problems in our relationship was because of him. He failed me. I sent him a Christmas card and we have talked a few times. On Valentines Day he sent me a card and then we proceeded to meet up as he suggested. His job takes up a lot of his time and twice we almost reconnected after he said he wanted to meet to have a drink. Twice we have set times and he could not make it both times bc of work. The last time a week ago, he asked if we could meet another time and I texted back ‘sure’ the 3rd time is the charm. It will work for me. But he has not gotten back to me since. What should I think, of course I still love this man, should I just give him the time to clear his schedule, mind or ?. Hope you can give me some insight to what he might be thinking. I forgave him for what he did. I hope Im posted to the right place.

Reply February 26, 2012, 2:29 pm

aliza

Hi can someone advice me pleasee

Reply February 13, 2012, 3:31 am

Krystal

You’re amazing, thank you for sharing i will keep this

Reply January 20, 2012, 10:55 pm

aliza

Hi my name is alizaa
Hi please help me urgent I am very depressed
I would be really grateful if you could provide me with some advice, I have generally a great relationship and my bf is very loving and caring. He has also been there for me in all my bad times and hes very sincere to me. The problem is that sometimes i do not understand his psychology and it makes me feel very depresses. My problem is a bit personal my big ask me to seduce him initially i did not know how to but i learned how to now when i seduce him i want him to do something for me he does it he does make love but i feel that he does not give me everything i want. He just do a little bit and he goes like u have to beg me for it. I really get irritated because I am already making efforts to seduce him and I am trying hard and now he cant please me that well and for him he wants me to please him a lot of times do not know how to be tactful in that way I am very very depress sometimes all i want is a deep french kiss and he knows i want but hes does not give it fully i do not know why he is like that that he cant give me a lot. but ask for me he always want me to give him a lot and i do every time when it comes to love making which refers to sexual giving. Its many times i satisfy his sexual needs but he does not satisfy mine. I m not into sex i just want him to be romantic to him but he understand and the most irritating part is when he tells me that you have to beg for it. I am already trying hard to seduce him what else i should do

Reply January 10, 2012, 10:12 am

rebecca

I have a question and not sure how to get this to where it needs to be so sorry if this in the wrong spot..i have a guy that i have been seeing for 2 mnths..he works 6 days a week/10hrs a day. he makes a time to see me every week one to two days and we have a lot of fun when we do. he texts me everyday and they arnt always great texts meaning long but they are through out the day usually…I think that im just being needy but need to knw what others think..I knw that he likes me and a lot when we are together in person its great..hes fine to hang out or be “together”…I read into texts to much I think but he knows that I hate it when he just doesnt text..like he last text was at 400pm and now its 830pm and I dont knw why he hasnt texted it irritates me..I have already said this before so I’m seeing if he’ll write or not tonight..I really like this guy a lot and my gut tells me he likes me a lot as well except for this text thing..I;m afraid im being needy…I dont want to bring it up again and I dont feel like I should initiate the text I feel like he should since I wrote last…what does everyone else think? I just know how it is when we are together…idk, Help…

Reply January 9, 2012, 8:31 pm

matt

I googled “this is the most important advice i will ever receive in my entire life…” and found this article… great article, it has given my good focus, thank you.

I think ‘the redneck’ has it, the key. Grow some balls. If you really assess most of the issues in your life, its because you’re being a pansy about stuff, worrying like a pussy… I agree, I have been a pussy, immature, irresponsible, lame. Time to step up to the plate and be ballsy. Being that, is all about these two words, “trust yourself.” I’ve forgotten that lately… and to be fair, if you are doing something that you don’t love, that can get in the way of things too. Find purpose, balance, love. And good luck people, one love.

Reply December 13, 2011, 10:13 am

Laura

I just wanted to say that i love every bit of your advice. I myself is going through a self agenda and clearly forgot who i was along the way. Thank you for reminding me how much of a strong, smart, beautiful girl I am. I owe you lots<3

Reply November 21, 2011, 9:32 pm

KeilaJ

Ann,

You are doing the right thing. Continue to be yourself and those times when the hate from others begins to overwhelm you, use these experiences to make you stronger. You can only be yourself and remaining confident in yourself and your skills and abilities is what makes you genuine and stand our from the rest because you are UNIQUELY you and people will see that, they will sense that and you will be admired for that. Continue to focus on yourself and your morals and do not pay any mind to anyone else’s foolishness. Also never let anyone’s attitude alter your own.Kill them with your genuine kindness and keep it moving..and if you ever feel alone turn to your faith, your religious beliefs will make you that much stronger and if you don’t have any or choose not to be religious turn to trusted family, friends, or forums like these where you can receive our moral support.

I’ve been where you are and I’ve been through much worse and if I got through it then I know that you can as well. Keep your head up!!

Reply October 8, 2011, 7:02 pm

ann

I agree a lot with what your post says, and i too have the pendulum of self loath/self love swing back and forth from time to time but i think the fact of the matter of people liking me more when i like myself gets complicated because people have always treated me different no matter what. I am always a very open, accepting, nice and happy person to people, even when i am having a horrible day i put on a smile because i make other people’s days. When i’m in school i go about my day the same way and most people still won’t give me the time of day, and i’ll tell you why. I happen to be a cheerleader, and in band, while also participating in vaious other school clubs as well(student council, marching band, science club ect.) and ever since the begining i’ve always gotten the dirty looks and the hate no matter where i go. I act very friendly to people (belive me just nice-friendly) but im percieved as a flirt and a skank just because i also happen to be in cheerleading, when the fact of the matter is i’ve never had a boyfriend, nor done anything dirty with a guy, people still assume so. And when i go to cheer practice, it’s almost as if im too nerdy for them, i am so different because i stick with things i love such as music. When i was i came in doing all these things freshman year i was outsted from clicks in band that i now will never be able to be friends with the members of because they chose their freshman back then, and its clear i wasn’t one of them and never will be. I am not willing to nor have i changed myself by dropping my activities to be like them, all i ask for is acceptance but to them i guess i’m not worth it. I even heard one of the girls say “people who are in band and drama are amazing and anyone else doesn’t matter. I know i’m a bitch to them but i just don’t care.” I’m in band but she and she friends won’t accept me. however there are somedays when i dress up for school and where a skirt with a fancy shirt and feel really good about myself i notice everyone turn they’re heads as i walk into the lunch room. There was also one day where i wore a dress and heels to school….i didn’t have to hold a single door for myself all day. But if i’m not in a skirt i don’t matter to people. So i guess this does put the truth of your post into my eyes. But it’s gotten to the point where people have knocked me down and spit on me so many times with their words of hatred, i don’t really think i can stand up anymore, and won’t ever again feel genuinely good about myself. Can people really see through the fake happiness or do i only matter when im a pretty face?

Reply September 24, 2011, 11:26 am

Fashion Jewelry Wholesale

Like this post.

Reply September 3, 2011, 8:27 pm

mike

This might sound to you like some kind of a low IQ redneck wrote it but the most appropriate thing I can think of in your situations is: GROW SOME BALLS

Reply August 26, 2011, 12:55 pm

lilbytofme

this post was so timly for me. today was a day of pity and loathing. i realized that i have low self esteem issues in my late age. but readign this post has but alot of realizations in place. thank you so much.

Reply July 27, 2011, 10:35 pm

Gypsy Queen

Totally agree! Healthy attracts healthy vs not so healthy (mentally, emotionally, etc.). I too used to keep a journal up until about 2 years ago. When I used to read it over and over again, I found myself dealing with great relationships and not so great relationships. I was never one to go from one relationship into another and another before I got some time to myself. I always seemed to take two years or more before I decided i was ready for perhaps another. There was/is a pattern there between loving yourself and loathing yourself for sure! Most of the men I met that wanted to marry me were so incredibly kind, compassionate, sweet and understanding, so giving (and there was no sex involved). They didnt do drugs or drink or mess around. Then all of a sudden I started dating men that were (ahem) less than gentlemen. And got treated like garbage……………. WHY? Because somewhere along the way I felt I wasn’t good enough for the good ones, even though they felt I was good enough for them…..! Conundrum for sure. I guess what people need to really to decide is whether or not communication, trust, respect and honesty are key elements. For some people to say they’re sorry after they’ve hurt you or treated you disrespectfully, well……….. it just doesn’t happen or matter to them. I’m the kind of person who is willing to say I’m sorry when I know I”m wrong or I’ve hurt someone . I am NOT the kind of person to apologize when someone has completely disrespected me, disregarded me, lied to me, and tried to play me for a fool! (PS – I digress, I did apologize once but not again)! I believe in being totally honest and open to everyone (sometimes a downfall from what I hear). I’d rather “Hurt you honestly, than mislead you with a lie” (Dan Fogelberg) – great tune! Anyway, enough “babbling” LOL!

Reply July 20, 2011, 5:24 pm

karen

That is the best advice that you can give…. if alot of women would put as much time into wondering why he doesnt.. call, come over, or is interested in them,and put that energy and time into getting to know themselves, and love themselves, I think they would feel better. Sometimes, we are afraid to get to know the most important person…. which is ourselves.

Reply July 3, 2011, 3:44 pm

perfume

As the saying goes “If you aren’t good at loving yourself, you will have a difficult time loving anyone, … “To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance” …

Reply June 7, 2011, 5:08 am

Tlo99

This advice is so true and helpful! I’ve been working on being more confident, and really loving myself, and I’ve seen the positive change it has made on my relating to men. I’m not in a relationship at the moment, but I have noticed how self-confidence attracts more men! The thing I need help with now, (or need to read more articles on) is how to not to make immediate judgements on men that I meet. I usually go through the whole relationship from start to finish fast in my head within the first hour of meeting someone new!! I’m trying to give recently-met men more of a chance. Help!

Reply June 6, 2011, 1:50 pm

Nicole of Closet Factory

Great advice!

Reply June 3, 2011, 4:18 pm

Chrysalis

Very true. No one is perfect. Everyone has aspects of themselves they’d like to change or work on, even that significant other. If we not only learn to accept our own faults or perceived flaws, we can learn to accept the imperfections and weaknesses of others. In doing so…they won’t feel the judgement, and this opens the door for a more honest and loving relationship between people.

Reply June 3, 2011, 11:34 am

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