“I’ve been with my boyfriend for over two years. He says he loves me and is happy, but I secretly feel like he’s out of my league and that he could date other girls that are much prettier than me. Even his ex-girlfriend is prettier than me.
Why is he with me? It’s not that he’s done anything wrong or given me a reason to worry, but I just secretly fear that one day some other girl will come along (who’s prettier, skinnier and sexier than me) and he’ll leave me out of the blue.
Again, he says he’s happy and he loves me, so I guess I just want to understand why does he like me and why is he in love with me?”
I’m going to cover the question (“Why is he with me?“) from a few different angles since there are many scenarios where a woman would ask herself this and I want to cover them all.
For example, if a woman is seeing a guy, but it hasn’t become official, she might ask herself why he’s with her. Does he just want sex? Does he want a relationship? Is he into me?
When a woman asks me why a guy she’s seeing is with her (who hasn’t committed in any clear way), the first thing I want to find out is whether or not she’s the convenience girl.
What’s the convenience girl? The convenience girl is a girl a guy casually hooks up with because he knows she’s into him and he knows that she’ll be there for him whenever he wants her to be.
She may want a relationship with him, but she probably wouldn’t dare bring it up… and even if she did, he knows he could talk his way out of it (and give her an excuse to make sure she never brings up the subject again).
I’ve said many times before: Guys have no problem having sex with a woman on an ongoing basis with absolutely no feelings of attachment. Sure, he likes you and enjoy you as a person. Sure, he doesn’t want to hurt you.
It’s not that this particular guy has bad or evil intentions, it’s just that particular guy doesn’t have any interest in having an exclusive, monogamous, committed relationship with you. Being the convenience girl simply means that you are someone who they can hook up with and enjoy without any hassle.
Friends with benefits (FWB) is a common label that people use, but I see a distinction here: Friends with benefits (in the strictest sense) means that you are friends with this guy and you also happen to hook up. If the hooking up ended, you’d still be friends.
Being the convenience girl is more characterized by, well, the convenience of it all:
It’s 2 o’clock on Saturday night and I didn’t hear from you all week until your drunken phone call? Sure, come on over!
If you want something casual and easy, then great. There’s nothing wrong with a convenient situation where everyone’s happy.
More often than not, though, a “convenience girl” situation is more about the girl really wanting to have some sort of relationship with the guy and the guy’s interest begins and ends at sex.
If you have a situation where the guy only contacts you when he wants sex, then that’s your answer to “why is he with me?”. The answer is… he’s really not “with you” in any committed-relationship type of sense.
A lot of the time when a woman asks me, “Why is he with me?”, she’s asking after the relationship has been going on for a while and it seems like he’s pulling away.
Sometimes the man withdrawing, pulling away or going cold might have nothing to do with the woman and everything to do with something he himself is going through.
MORE: When a Guy Withdraws
Still, the idea that he might be losing interest in you is a powerful trigger that can send you spiraling into worry and relentless self-questioning.
Understanding what it is about you that attracts him to you will give you tremendous peace of mind – and when your mind is at peace, it’s much easier to be exactly as you need to be for your relationship to flow smoothly.
So now I would highly encourage you to read this article immediately: What do guys like in a girl?
OK – I hope you read that article and you’re back now since that information is crucial to understand.
Let’s move on to another huge reason why women will ask, “Why is he with me?”… and of course, the answer to that question.
Another major pain point for women is when another woman is in the guy’s social sphere. It might be his co-worker, his female friend or even his ex-girlfriend.
This becomes a problem typically when the woman asking the question perceives the other woman to be prettier or “better” than her in some way that she feels is significant.
Sometimes it’s a specific woman, sometimes it’s just women in general and sometimes it’s a belief that he’s out of her league. Either way, the woman asking has a sense of not being good enough
At the end of the day, there will always be someone “better” than you in some way shape or form. There will also be areas where you’re “better” than everyone else. Comparing yourself to others will make you nothing but miserable.
A much more effective (and intelligent) strategy is to assume what you want and own yourself.
What do I mean?
Well first, let’s talk about assuming what you want or “assuming as-if”.
A lot of the time, the majority of worrying I see women do stems from the feeling of not-knowing. They don’t know ... (continued - Click to keep reading Ask a Guy: Why Is He With Me?)