Ask a Guy: Why Is He With Me? post image

Ask a Guy: Why Is He With Me?


“I’ve been with my boyfriend for over two years.  He says he loves me and is happy, but I secretly feel like he’s out of my league and that he could date other girls that are much prettier than me.  Even his ex-girlfriend is prettier than me.

Why is he with me?  It’s not that he’s done anything wrong or given me a reason to worry, but I just secretly fear that one day some other girl will come along (who’s prettier, skinnier and sexier than me) and he’ll leave me out of the blue.

Again, he says he’s happy and he loves me, so I guess I just want to understand why does he like me and why is he in love with me?”

I’m going to cover the question (“Why is he with me?“) from a few different angles since there are many scenarios where a woman would ask herself this and I want to cover them all.

For example, if a woman is seeing a guy, but it hasn’t become official, she might ask herself why he’s with her.  Does he just want sex?  Does he want a relationship?  Is he into me?

When a woman asks me why a guy she’s seeing is with her (who hasn’t committed in any clear way), the first thing I want to find out is whether or not she’s the convenience girl.

What’s the convenience girl?  The convenience girl is a girl a guy casually hooks up with because he knows she’s into him and he knows that she’ll be there for him whenever he wants her to be.

She may want a relationship with him, but she probably wouldn’t dare bring it up… and even if she did, he knows he could talk his way out of it (and give her an excuse to make sure she never brings up the subject again).

I’ve said many times before:  Guys have no problem having sex with a woman on an ongoing basis with absolutely no feelings of attachment.  Sure, he likes you and enjoy you as a person.  Sure, he doesn’t want to hurt you.

It’s not that this particular guy has bad or evil intentions, it’s just that particular guy doesn’t have any interest in having an exclusive, monogamous, committed relationship with you.  Being the convenience girl simply means that you are someone who they can hook up with and enjoy without any hassle.

Friends with benefits (FWB) is a common label that people use, but I see a distinction here: Friends with benefits (in the strictest sense) means that you are friends with this guy and you also happen to hook up.  If the hooking up ended, you’d still be friends.

Being the convenience girl is more characterized by, well, the convenience of it all:

It’s 2 o’clock on Saturday night and I didn’t hear from you all week until your drunken phone call?  Sure, come on over!

If you want something casual and easy, then great.  There’s nothing wrong with a convenient situation where everyone’s happy.

More often than not, though, a “convenience girl” situation is more about the girl really wanting to have some sort of relationship with the guy and the guy’s interest begins and ends at sex.

MOREAsk a Guy: Does He Just Want Sex?

If you have a situation where the guy only contacts you when he wants sex, then that’s your answer to “why is he with me?”.  The answer is… he’s really not “with you” in any committed-relationship type of sense.

A lot of the time when a woman asks me, “Why is he with me?”, she’s asking after the relationship has been going on for a while and it seems like he’s pulling away.

Sometimes the man withdrawing, pulling away or going cold might have nothing to do with the woman and everything to do with something he himself is going through.

MORE: When a Guy Withdraws

Still, the idea that he might be losing interest in you is a powerful trigger that can send you spiraling into worry and relentless self-questioning.

Understanding what it is about you that attracts him to you will give you tremendous peace of mind – and when your mind is at peace, it’s much easier to be exactly as you need to be for your relationship to flow smoothly.

So now I would highly encourage you to read this article immediately:  What do guys like in a girl?

OK – I hope you read that article and you’re back now since that information is crucial to understand.

Let’s move on to another huge reason why women will ask, “Why is he with me?”… and of course, the answer to that question.

Another major pain point for women is when another woman is in the guy’s social sphere.  It might be his co-worker, his female friend or even his ex-girlfriend.

This becomes a problem typically when the woman asking the question perceives the other woman to be prettier or “better” than her in some way that she feels is significant.

Sometimes it’s a specific woman, sometimes it’s just women in general and sometimes it’s a belief that he’s out of her league.  Either way, the woman asking has a sense of not being good enough

At the end of the day, there will always be someone “better” than you in some way shape or form.  There will also be areas where you’re “better” than everyone else.  Comparing yourself to others will make you nothing but miserable.

A much more effective (and intelligent) strategy is to assume what you want and own yourself.

What do I mean?

Well first, let’s talk about assuming what you want or “assuming as-if”.

A lot of the time, the majority of worrying I see women do stems from the feeling of not-knowing.  They don’t know ... (continued - Click to keep reading Ask a Guy: Why Is He With Me?)

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Isa

I just started crying, as I was reading this article of yours. It seems like I’ve always been the convenience girl…for almost three years. It really hurts to realise that I’ve been a fool. But there’s one thing that I don’t understand: I’ve told him almost everything that you explained (about the definition of a convenience girl), but strangely he didn’t argued with me and he didn’t contraditected what I said. In the beginnig, he would’nt have trouble in saying that he wasn’t in love. But now, after 3 years he just insists saying that he likes me and not only for the sex. Well, I guess I’m really naive… :o(
But thank you so much for your insight!

Reply May 6, 2013, 2:04 pm

Cristina

This is a great post. I JUST realized I’m the convenience girl with one of my best guy friends. You’re right – I need to own myself.

Not sure what to do about this friendship though….

Reply March 28, 2013, 3:30 pm

Eric Charles

Thanks for the comment, I’m glad you liked the article.

There’s nothing wrong with hooking up in a FWB situation if that’s what you both want.

If it doesn’t work for one or both of you anymore, then yeah, it’s time to reexamine things.

If he’s really you’re best guy friend, hopefully that means you and he can have an open and emotionally honest discussion about what page each of you are on.

Reply March 31, 2013, 2:15 am

Ellen

So you’re saying that guys don’t care about girls they have sex with? That’s just great…

Reply March 27, 2013, 11:24 am

Eric Charles

No, I’m saying that sex and love are two separate worlds for men – a guy can have strong feelings and not have overpowering lust for the girl at that time and a guy can have lots of sex with a girl without any feelings attached.

Reply March 27, 2013, 11:13 pm

Ashley

Eric – you hit the nail on the head with this one. I have been the convenience girl before and I didn’t even realize it at the time. I thought I was scoring girlfriend points by being so agreeable and accommodating, but I guess I was just digging my own grave. :(

Reply March 27, 2013, 11:23 am

Eric Charles

Experience is a great thing to have. If you learned from it, it wasn’t entirely a bad thing.

Reply March 27, 2013, 11:13 pm

Bridget

So true… thanks Eric!!

Reply March 27, 2013, 11:21 am

Eric Charles

Welcome. ;)

Reply March 27, 2013, 11:14 pm

Candy

I’ve been seeing this guy for about a month and a half. He’s nice and sweet to me – never mean or rude or dismissive. But all we really do is have meals together, watch a movie or TV sometimes and have a lot of sex. Usually 4 or 5 times when I see him.

I just don’t know if I’m on the right track here… Am I a convenience girl? Does he just want me for sex or does he want something more with me?

Reply March 27, 2013, 11:20 am

Eric Charles

Well having a lot of sex isn’t a good or a bad thing in terms of relationship potential or his feelings for you…

The question is how excited he is to be with you and spend time with you doing things other than sex?

Reply March 27, 2013, 11:15 pm

Janet

Eric, thanks for this article (and the articles you referenced in this one). Loved it as usual!

Reply March 27, 2013, 11:17 am

A

Great post, Eric!

I have a question for you – I posted under the other “Ask a Guy” page but I think you might’ve missed it:

Eric, not sure if you’re still checking this page but would love a guy’s opinion on this…

One of my new suitors seems really sweet – puts a lot of effort into dates, does a lot of research into restaurants that he thinks I’d like, books me in advance etc. We’ve only been on 3 dates so still very early days, but occasionally he would text me to tell me weird and bizarre things about his day etc.

The ONLY thing that bothers me about this guy is that he doesn’t always return texts when I reply – or sometimes does so say 9 hours later or even a day or two later.

Considering that this is the phase where he should be proving himself, should I say something/point it out? I’ve experimented by mirroring and doing the same to him myself, or even not replied to the odd text, but it doesn’t have a huge impact – still slow, although he is always very sweet and thoughtful when he replies. Either he just doesn’t check his phone very often or something.

What do you think?

Reply March 27, 2013, 6:30 am

Court

Loved this one.

Reply March 26, 2013, 11:30 pm

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