It’s time to have a frank discussion about lying and deceit. I see a lot of fears floating around in the the dating world and it can be disheartening.
In order to have a truly fulfilling relationship (or even start a healthy relationship) with a great guy, you need to come from a place of strength, confidence, and fulfillment.
Whenever a relationship goes sour (or fails to launch), it’s almost always caused by some tiny fear, doubt, worry or insecurity that grows and festers until you feel overwhelmed by the whole ordeal.
And what happens? Your fears and worries compel you to confirm whether they’re real or imaginary. You stop enjoying the relationship for what it is and start craving validation and confirmation that it’s “the real deal.”
And there’s only one thing that manifests from that place… neediness.
These days, people are quick to throw the concept of neediness around without actually looking at what it is. I’ve had some of my female readers complain that the term neediness makes it sound like I’m framing women as weak, fragile, insecure creatures that just cling to men (and stress them out).
Nothing could be further from the truth. I think women bring a tremendous strength and power to the table in relationships… when they have access to it and are free of their own fears.
Men and women have fears. Those fears are greater now more than ever really since there’s an entire industry devoted to making sure men and women are wrought with insecurities so they buy products (sowing in and agitating tiny insecurities is the bread and butter of the marketing world).
A major fear is being lied to deceived which brings me to the main question of this article: Why do men lie?
Here are a few potential reasons:
- They don’t want to hurt your feelings. And if you’ve shown yourself to be a girl who gets upset and dramatic when he tells you the truth, you’re essentially training him to say what you want to hear to keep the peace. At best, it’s sugarcoating or avoiding a volatile subject. At worst, it’s a straight up lie to avoid drama and waterworks.Weak? Cowardly? Sure, but men live in the mindset of wins and losses, victories and defeats. What’s the upside to being honest if it simply leads to a more difficult life with no perceived upside. Which brings me to the next point…
- They don’t want the drama. Like I was saying, if not telling the truth is harmless enough and being honest will just cause drama, heartache and grief for both parties, why would a man want to do it? I’m not advocating the behavior and I hold honesty as a high virtue for myself, but part of looking at this requires us to be honest about human nature: Humans (men and women) want to make life easier for ourselves, not harder. And that’s not the case if there’s…
- No perceived upside. If you want the truth and honesty, find a way to reward that behavior, not punish it by putting him through hell.
- They want to impress you and/or they don’t feel like “enough” without lying or putting up a front. From one angle, you could almost look at this one as a compliment: the guy is trying to impress you because he doesn’t feel “good enough” to get you on his own. It’s not a compliment though – it’s not only insecure behavior, but it also doesn’t allow for a real foundation to be built for a relationship. For a guy to be honest with you, he has to be secure enough in himself to know that you’ll still want him if he’s “real” with you.
OK, now I want to step back because I can imagine that my points may have enraged certain readers, who are ready to comment with things like, “Why should we have to reward his dumb ass for not lying?” And “why shouldn’t we put him through hell if the truth is that he’s an jerk?”
Easy there – let me put it to you like this.
First, this isn’t a male-female thing. I’m talking about human nature – no one gender is more or less habitually a “liar”.
You know all sorts of women who lie to their female friends on occasion… you may or may not have done it yourself.
To call up one common scenario, think … [Click here to keep reading...]
Kellie May 5, 2013 at 10:44 am
You left out the #1 reason people lie: to get what they want when they couldn’t get it honestly.
Very few people really hold honesty as a value. I learned this the hard way, when I got run over by a very good friend in a professional situation. She lied her face off and ruined a professional opportunity for me just so she could get in on the action. It was disgusting.
Look for the people who won’t lie, even when it’s to their advantage to do so. There are a few people like that out there. You can trust them.
Eric Charles May 5, 2013 at 3:07 pm
Definitely… and agreed.
Jules April 27, 2013 at 6:20 pm
Can you help me. I’ve been seeing a guy now for about 5 weeks, he bought me a brand new phone after 4 but says he doesnt want any kind of committment or relationship. He also avoids my questions if i ask him if he’s seeing anyone else and i’ve also found out hes lying to me too as he tells me that he’s trying to sleep or whatever yet i can see when he’s online through his phone and also when he’s using whatsapp and when he was last seen on the site. Also he’s giving me mixed signals so i don’t know whether he’s interested or not even why he bought me the phone. It wasnt a cheap one either. it was quite an expensive smartphone. I’m so confused
Kellie May 5, 2013 at 10:46 am
Don’t sell yourself for a smartphone. Find an honorable guy. He IS being honest, partly: he has told you he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you. He is lying about his activities and that’s not going to change.
Dump this guy. You are clearly looking for more than he wants to give.
Carol April 7, 2013 at 6:30 pm
I would like some advice please. I’m in my late 40′s as is my boyfriend. I’ve known him since high school and we recently met up again, in nov. 2012. We started dating the next week and the week after he told me he thought he was falling in love with me. Here is where I need the advice. He’s been married 2x and divorced from both. His 1st marriage ended badly and her bf moved in the day after “Bill” moved out. He married his 2nd wife so she would health insurance. It seems like I’ve been living with the ghosts of these women ALOT especially the past few weeks. One night he pointed out every place he ever lived w/his 2nd wife, bragged about a ceramic statute his 1st ex wife made that he kept on his kitchen table, until I told him I thought that was odd then he told me he gave it away. I found it in his closet. And he lies to me about talking to another girl he went to school with. Oh yeah, she told him lies about me when we first started dating. Needless to say I don’t have much respect for her, which he can’t seem to understand. He NEVER apologizes for lying to me and turns it all back onto me. Then basically tells me if I’m not going to get over it then I should just leave. I’ve tried to talk to him about his lying, I’ve told him lies and omitting parts of the truth are NOT okay and that honesty is always the best policy with me. Anyway. It’s all my fault, when I said that he didn’t even apologize for lying, he said sorry, but it wasn’t sincere and I don’t think I should have to ask for an apology. I would think he’d be sorry all on his on without my prompting. It’s over 24 hrs later and he still hasn’t called and doesn’t seem to care that his actions have hurt me. Not to mention how caustic his words are when we do have words. Should I be concerned that he keeps talking about his ex wives. He’s even leaving money to the second in his will and was all excited when he found out she was spending a lot of weekends up near where I live. I don’t know. The more I type the more pathetic I sound. I don’t want drama or head games and maybe I’m being overly sensitive but I feel so run over. Any advice or opinions will be appreciated. Thanks.
Teresa April 7, 2013 at 9:16 pm
Ok, here it is…He lies to you, you lie to him. Your both in your late forties; your using an online site to get advice for a man who mistreats you. He hasn’t called because he has zero respect for you because you have zero respect for yourself. I can see and hear in your own words. Call me rude or a bitch but I’m right. I hope you can see that your dating a loser. A loser is a person who lies, cheats, doesn’t communicate (i.e. call you back when you are clearly suffering). However, your doing all this to yourself. I don’t even think you should be dating men at all. I think you need to get your act together (your personal life). Get on your feet, get some self-esteem and STOP dating loser men who lie to you, cheat on you, take other girls over you. You knew this guy was a joke when you met him. So how much you wanna bet if you had lots of money, your own house, great job, taking care of business which is YOU, not for one minute would you put up the likes of some silly lying douche bag guy. If your on here complaining about the guy your sleeping with, you got big problems…dump his ass and learn how to act and be the great catch you want in a man. Good luck.
Carol April 7, 2013 at 9:38 pm
But I haven’t lied to him. Although, I appreciate your bluntness and honesty. Thank you. He finally did text me to say good night and to accuse me of snooping, which I did not do! Anyway, you’re right I need to be better to myself. I guess I just needed to hear it from an unbiased party that his actions are disrespectful and not just hurtful.
TheDude March 21, 2013 at 4:00 pm
Hello,
I am a man in a relationship with a woman that I have lied in. We have lived together for 5 years as domestic partners.
1st thing was that I let my car insurance go unpaid and didn’t tell her about it. My thought was that I would just pay the fees and get the insurance back and make sure I don’t let the payments slip again by setting up email notifications. I was called a liar for not telling her about this.
2nd was that I started smoking cigarettes again and was hiding that fact from her, so I am a liar.
3rd was getting a new job in which other girls worked at the same time and she was very jealous and accused me of flirting when I wasn’t. She said I shouldn’t be at the cash register talking to them. I was the cashier and the females were also employees who frequently needed supplies from the office right next to the cash register.
I walked out of the job one night because she was calling me and accusing me of flirting. She told me not to tell anyone what was going on. One night she called my work and the “girl” answered the phone and she freaked out saying “What is she doing answering the phone?” She should be doing her job. I said “She works here, so she has every right to answer the phone…” I told this girl how my girlfriend freaked out over her answering the phone.
I was called a liar for telling that girl what happened when I said I wouldn’t. I just though it was hysterical that my girlfriend is freaking out, because an employee other that me answered the company phone…
4th was that I decided to buy and try “incense.” She noticed I was stoned and called me a liar for not telling her about it. I wanted to just enjoy it by myself without her lecturing me and making me feel like a drug addict.
5th was that I bought a electronic cigarette that I hid from her because she would lecture me and nag me every time I went to use it just like she did when I smoked real cigarettes. I left it in the bathroom one day and she found it and called me a liar for not telling her about it.
She said she didn’t want me vaping in the bathroom because it was harmful to her lungs. I didn’t honor her request and continued to use it in the bathroom because from the research I have done online the vapor is relatively harmless and dissipates rather quickly. Anyways she called me a liar because I said I wouldn’t use it in the bathroom and did. I only said I wouldn’t so she would stop pestering me about it and because I knew that the vapor was harmless and she was being overly dramatic like I was releasing toxic waste into the air she was breathing.
Anyways, she now labels me as a pathological liar who cant be trusted.
A little bit about me. I am 31 years old, got my GED, did 4 years in the AirForce, I play guitar and piano at an advanced level, I am an IT Network Administrator and I like playing MMORPG’s, which she enjoys playing as well. I have never been in jail or even arrested. I have never had a driving ticket.
I feel that I “lie” because I just want to resolve problems that I create on my own. Hiding use of drugs is because she would lecture me and make me feel like a drug addict, just as she has done countless times, even though I am a highly intelligent functioning member of society.
Based on that, would you say I am a pathological liar?
moda March 24, 2013 at 1:09 am
TheDude – I don’t really think you’re a pathological liar. Not really. I think you’re just taking the low road for the short term, which is costing you in the long term. It is eroding your relationship. Know what I mean?
I think you know deep down what you need to do… what you HAVE to do if you want to turn this thing around…. and what you have to do even if this thing ends if you ever want to have a decent relationship at all with anyone ever.
You need to start telling the truth. Don’t make promises you can’t keep. Now, is that an indictment? No, quite the contrary…. I am trying to set you free from the jail you are putting yourself into.
So, OK. Let’s start with the vapor. Tell her that you are doing your damn best to stop smoking and that you bought the vapor to do just that. Make her read up on it. Have her get some spray or something, but tell her that you are going to use whatever crutch you have to in order to get off nicotine and that you’d like a little support on this – please and thank you very much!
And you know what else? Does she use room deodorizers? Hair spray? I’d be willing to bet they are worse.
The girls at work – unless you have a history of cheating on this woman, this behavior is over the top. Even if you do, she has no right to call you at work. That is a place of business. I don’t know why people think it is OK to call work places unless it is an emergency. Your employer probably has a policy.
You
do sound just like the person you described yourself to be – “a highly intelligent functioning member of society.” And I thank you deeply for your service to our country. Be THAT man. Sit your woman down and tell her it’s time for a heart to heart talk. That you need be be able to be totally open and honest with her about everything without fear of retribution. List these things for her and tell her you do not want to be belittled or berated and that you are not pathological but you were just taking the low road and you are sorry. Then tell her that she can expect your honesty from here on out, but in return you will expect her to be also be an adult, not a mother.
One word of advice – and this is not a lecture – only one hit at a time with that incense. I’ve seen it do some scary things. Seriously. Not usually… but one time is one time too many. It’s just too damn bad that things had to take the path they did when they made the natural stuff illegal… then nobody would have to worry about getting poisoned with things that we have no way of knowing the ingredients.
V March 21, 2013 at 3:34 pm
This whole idea that men “don’t want the drama, so they lie” is completely stupid. The simple fact is that when you lie, you create intense drama at a later date. All lies actually are a self-fulfilled prophecy on the road to freaky drama. It’s just a method of delaying the inevitable, and likely to get the man into worse trouble than if he had been truthful in the beginning. I’ve seen people (men and women both) end up needing medical attention because of their own lies.
Don’t want drama? Don’t lie. There is never a need for a lie in a relationship. If things aren’t working, they aren’t working. Move on instead of playing petty little games. I believe anyone who misleads or lies (male or female) is completely insecure – even more insecure than the person who gets upset about being lied to. There is no excuse that justifies the behavior of spreading deceit. Lying is weakness.
I want a partner who is strong enough to look me in the eye and tell me the truth, even when the truth is something I don’t want to hear. I think this is far more respectful and honorable. A person who lies is really a little kid who needs to find a daddy or mommy.
Lying is immature. Grow up already and be an adult if you want a real relationship.
I’m sorry if I sound bitter, but I’ve been lied to and it never does anything but create more anger and drama. If you want strife, go ahead and lie. But don’t sit back and whine and cry and bellyache about how bad you’ve got it. Stop making excuses for being a wimp.
Lucy Montes March 11, 2013 at 6:41 am
Omg….This is too funny! I just realized I’m replying to comments on this page that are old. Please, update. Thank you
moda March 1, 2013 at 11:56 pm
Of course, one other reason a man will lie is if he is cheating. And with the statistics showing that a great number of men will cheat, this means that those men are also lying.
Cheaters always lie. They have to. It isn’t as though they are going to come home and come right out with the truth.
If only more women would put a foot down, maybe there would be less of it. Imagine if all men knew what would happen the first time… not the second or the third.
Jackie February 24, 2013 at 9:04 am
Hi All,
I think many women have gut instincts that they need to listen to earlier on in the relationship. If they ignore them and they end up being really hurt, the best thing they can do is reallty use it as a learning experience.
That way, once you have been with a liar you know what the warning signs are should ypu come across another liar in the future.
I used my experience to catch him out big time. He was on a dating site (a religious one), and tried to charm me with amazing love affirmations. I met up with him and we clicked immediately, he spoke about having a future together etc etc. I listened to my gut instincts and they were telling me to watch out. So I did, i caught him out quick smart without him even knowing and I was right.
It felt great to actually do this and for the second time in my life, I felt empowered and not taken advantage of. I was also able to protect my children from being involved with this man as a potential brady bunch family in the future. Living with a liar. Not happening.
I am still in the process of being undercover as I just found out today. I see it as his loss and my gain now.
I will go into detail about the steps I took down the track. I am now releasing myself early from what could have potentially destroyed me in the future.
Jenn
Meg February 5, 2013 at 1:08 pm
My boyfriend lies like all the time for unknown reasons. He secretly bought a vape when I told him not to! And when I asked him about it, he was just avoiding the issue and said stuff like “let’s just break up, you’re gonna leave me anyway..” what should i do? and i think he is video calling with other girls on skype because he wont tell me his password and he says he can’t go out of the house but i think he can but he just doesn’t want to see me.. I don’t know what to do, he’s acting like a jerk but I love him. And we’re already 2 years. Help asap.
Flying Solo February 2, 2013 at 1:26 am
Ya know…Men got the power if we let them think they do.Ladies we are strong in our own right and don’t need proof or passage of a man to make it so.Realizing this is half the battle. Why do you think you need a man to be whole and complete? God already made us whole and complete…Just sayin. I own my home. bring home the bacon and feed and clothe and love my kids.I don’t need a man to complete me. I’m already whole and complete.
tkeya nowell February 1, 2013 at 8:16 pm
I believe guys don’t get how we feel but if we do it to them then they go calling us names its like really you f—– lied to me if i go cheating on you then your ass will be heartbroken
why cheat???? If i treat you like you treating me then I hope you learn from it all i want you to know is that it isnt fair
emily January 10, 2013 at 2:28 am
I just wanted to say that what you say, “trying to make a better understanding of behavior men inparticularly have.” It should be okay, and dealable that a untruthful, possibly decoeving man or woman is alright because of nature. Though you don’t closely look at the fact that maybe women feel enraged by the lies because we know for some many of us actually have the capabilities of being genuinely loyal, and kind hearted enough through a true relationship, that we do know the existance of it is even possible. And I don’t mean that being genuinely loyal means you will not throw in a white lie occasionally, but it does mean that you as a person know, and care enough of yourself and your loved one, you will not continue to think twice about the injury and yet make the wrong choice. Is it really that bad for people to adapt to good nature over bad? I believe that we all look for someone else that feels the strongest towards eachother equally enough to balance the painful encounters by understanding, respecting, and fixing the problem. We just hope that when the problem is fixed, no side has any emptyness, or bitterness because that wouldnt be the great and very possible relationship I just described now would it. Oh, and men. If you just actually try.. she might not even get mad. But trying to a woman isn’t telling the truth but leaving useful but unesessary things out all the time nor is it you being truthful only half the time.at least i don’t find cowards manly or attractive at all. If you try to be honest because that’s how you want to treat her than do it. The easyest way to know if she is going to love you forever, is to do that. She wont leave for good no matter what, as long as you know how to talk to a lady politely, and give her the truth. Now who you are inside is what decides all of your relationships fate. A truly selfish child of a man or woman will never love. So face reality, and find your inner self if you think you deserve love without giving it back.
annabelle December 12, 2012 at 11:40 pm
i wanted my ex bf to realized than why he hids our pictures from his facebook,than why im so mad ..i wanted him to feel all the bad things he did to me
annabelle December 12, 2012 at 10:25 pm
after me and my ex boyfriend had an arguements and he said goodbye and i replied goodbye too cos i felt insulted and very emotionally and mad..right after,few minutes he unfriended me on his facebook and deleted all those post and pictures i tagged.what shall i do? all our pictures he hids even our ltest pictures that we took on my BIRTHDAY.THAT IS WHY IM SO UPSETS. if i’ll asked him about facebook he said im making facebook so seriously,whilst he posted his picture with thr MMAring girls and some other girls.i hate him.but he said im only making things through my head.while i saw his girls comments and his liked and comments to girls.i wanted him to feel how mistakes he is for doing this to me,i wanted him to feel the rejections and makes him to realized and crawling
lyn December 1, 2012 at 5:14 pm
I have been with my boyfriend for about 2 years.. I recently been checking his email without him knowing.. found conversations I.dont like and im pisst off.. by his emails he is going to.cheat on me.. how do I confront him.. any advise please help
Teresa December 1, 2012 at 5:31 pm
I saw this as I was walking out the door. OK, yes, people are going to say, “you should not be in his email”. They will assume you don’t trust him etc. But you know, good for you. I say this because way to go gut instinct, women’s intuition. 1st, do you still love him? Do you really want to be with some guy who emails other women after 2 years of dating you? He is “planning” on being intimate with another female (grooming her). His actions currently are that of a coward. Do you like men who act like cowards and are too weak to come to you and state he is unhappy with the relationship? If you are sick of his silly boy games, leave him. Do no fear and suffer over self-esteem issues on this guy. Leave him and tell him why. He will then run back to you like the coward he is. If you take him back, you have just taught him how to treat you moving forward. So if you stay, try to work it out knowing this man doesn’t really respect you these days and wants to have sex with some other girl who is blind and kind of lame. Lame because she probably knows about you. If you are young (21-35), this email may not convince you to take a stand and get strong; to confront him and show him the door. You will have to take some more abuse until your 40′s to wake up. The fact that you are on this site asking for help because some coward, looser, lying, boyfriend is about to cheat you tells me your not ready to ask for something better in men. Correction, he is cheating on you. The fact that he is carrying on like this with another woman is cheating. He may not have touched her YET, but his thoughts are on her and not you. Women do this as well. If he can’t be honest, he is not good enough for you. Do not suffer in this way. Be strong and go get what you deserve, makes you happy. If you do, you will be one tough sister. Good luck.
Birdie2169 December 8, 2012 at 2:06 am
Well said Theresa!! I believe that there are several ways a person can cheat. Some think unless they had sex it isn’t cheating. BS!! My ex husband was texting another girl. He was role playing and sexting. That is a form of cheating. I divorced him even after nine years. So Lyn…….kick him to the curb!!
Teresa December 8, 2012 at 8:02 pm
Hi Birdie2169,
Good for you, for leaving and making a better life for yourself. Nine years is a long time. I cannot even imagine the pain you went through, but I’m happy you know you deserve better! I cannot express my frustration in this area with people. Grown adults! I confess I’m a bit lonely and would like to be in a long term relationship but I refuse to settle this time around. There is no WAY I will ever let another friend, boyfriend insult me with hurtful lies. I feel if you lie and cheat, you have just pissed away all your dignity for all to see. Do I sound bitter and fed up? YES
Hugs for all the women that have the courage to leave messy, ugly, looser men who abuse them (i.e.Yell, Hit, Put you down, Bully, you name it, withhold love and affection when he is pouting, and the list grows). I have to add, the same goes for women too.
Birdie2169 December 8, 2012 at 8:35 pm
It was painful for awhile and i was bitter for a long time. Bad thing about that breakup is there were minor children involved. I practically raised his son. It was difficult for my daughter as well. That’s the problem with situations like this is more than one person gets hurt in the end. But my daughter and I realized it was for the best. We are happier now and I am currently involved with a wonderful man that has been faithful. I hope only the best for you as well.
EuroRash December 1, 2012 at 5:32 pm
Leave him, you deserve better. That’s based on what you caught him on, imagine the others he got away with.
Vicki November 25, 2012 at 4:21 am
If lying is “easier” in order to avoid hurt feelings, then what was the motivation for doing whatever it was that would cause the hurt feelings to begin with? If they’re trying to “avoid drama”, all they’ve done by lying is set the stage for the biggest drama ever – and it’s one THEY started by setting out to deceive in the first place. If they can’t realize a good outcome it’s only because they’re shallow and stuck in the instant gratification mode, and unable to see down the road a few feet. If they think they need to lie in order to impress – the only real impression they’re making is in how poor their own self image is. If this is the case, they have no right to complain about anyone else.
Bottom line is men and women BOTH lie. Any relationship based on a lie IS a lie. There is no room for dignity after lying takes root.
Men – real men – have no need to lie about anything. Women – real women – don’t cultivate the circumstances that lead to lying. (and vice versa)
A person who lies in order to avoid a confrontation is lying out of: FEAR.
A person who lies because they’re too lazy to talk about the real issue is lying out of: ANGER.
A person who lies because they think they can impress is lying out of: LOW SELF ESTEEM.
Lying is something people do when they have a problem with their own sense of self. It does not EVER have anything to do with anyone else. Lying is never good and anyone who does it – no matter what their justification is – is not worthy of an intimate relationship.
Lying destroys your integrity. It changes a person and makes them repulsive. No ego boost can be sustained by a lie. This article was written because there are people who actually believe there is justification for lying.
There isn’t. And there never will be.
bbbettbu November 25, 2012 at 8:56 am
Real men don’t lie. I agree. They are like 5 year old children. Real women don’t always cultivate the circumstances and if a man lies and cheats it is not something they caused. That is the old justification for men to continue the bad behavior and was probably cultivated in childhood. Women often try to save the marriage because they have made a commitment to the other person. Of course, it does no good if only one continues to act like a child and lie. I do know women who are aware that their men have lied and cheated and they try to go to counseling to fix the situation. I wouldn’t say they are responsible for the lying and cheating. I also know women (not well, by choice) who give these same men sanctuary when they know they have abused other women because they are reaping the benefits, at least for a little while, financially and emotionally. These women are the ones that tick me off because they are lying to themselves and in turn adding to another women’s pain. They DO make it much easier for a man to continue to lie.
L Montes March 11, 2013 at 5:46 am
bbbettbu, I totally agree with you.
Birdie2169 December 8, 2012 at 2:13 am
Well said Theresa!! I believe that there are several ways a person can cheat. Some think unless they had sex it isn’t cheating. BS!! My ex husband was texting another girl. He was role playing and sexting. That is a form of cheating. I divorced him even after nine years. So Lyn…….kick him to the curb!! BTW….there is no excuse for a lie! If you have to lie about something then apparently what you are doing is wrong and can hurt the other person in the relationship.
Lucy Montes March 11, 2013 at 5:55 am
Vicki, you’re awesome ! Love the comment.
EuroRash November 18, 2012 at 3:38 pm
RE: ” Women apparently have better instincts than men”
I’d have to agree to disagree on that statement. I have seven sisters, and not one of them have a clue.
EuroRash November 18, 2012 at 12:11 pm
I think this question is too generalized. And the photo is not of a man, it looks like a 15 year old kid being confronted by his mother or older sister LoL. Why does a man lie? Mostly because of dealing with some women that over act over trivial things or are drama queens. Usually these types are insecure and attract “players” or guys that just tell a “girl” (since a real woman wouldn’t put up with this) what she wants to hear and keep the drama going. Here’s a tip: Stop lying to yourself and you’ll find guys you meet will do the same.
bbbettbu November 18, 2012 at 12:20 pm
Lying to someone and blaming them because they get upset is ridiculous. Men and women need to be up front about their feelings. The fact that a person lies to cover up bad behavior has nothing to do with protecting their partners feelings. It has to do with covering up the crime cause they don’t want to get caught and deal with the aftermath. The liar is simply protecting themselves. Its a lot better to tell the truth right away then wait. And yes, women often lie to themselves but so do men, to sustain what they have or want, which is usually to have their cake and eat it to.
EuroRash November 18, 2012 at 3:16 pm
Of course, in a marriage this doesn’t apply here.
Eric Charles November 18, 2012 at 3:34 pm
Sure. And nothing you said is wrong, but it doesn’t help anything.
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Talking about what people *should* do doesn’t help anything – it is just a statement of opinion and condemnation to others. It’s better to observe what people actually DO, understand why and then incorporate that knowledge into how you deal with people.
.
You can scream from a mountaintop about how people should be acting. Nobody will listen, but you can still do it.
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Or… you can simply recognize how humans tend to act and handle them in an aware and compassionate way.
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Now, of course, the best path is to select a partner that shares your values. And people will cry to me, “But Eric, we don’t know how they are initially!!!”
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You do… your instincts do. Women apparently have better instincts than men (although I’ve never been a woman, so I don’t know firsthand), but if I can sense someone instinctually within ten seconds in basically every case of my entire life, women can certainly do it too… and most likely, better than I can.
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The real issue is (like you said) lying to yourself. And then being *shocked* when they act exactly in alignment with the kind of person your instincts told you they’d be.
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My father had a much simpler way of giving advice though. His words, “Don’t associate with a*holes.” Wise words.
emily January 10, 2013 at 5:01 pm
Yesss…
Lucy Montes March 11, 2013 at 5:59 am
SO, TRUE!
Eric Charles November 18, 2012 at 3:36 pm
Yeah… I’ve always been fascinated by this ever-repeating story:
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Step One: Date someone who is clearly an a*hole.
Step Two: Be shocked when that person (male or female) acts like… an a*hole towards you.
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I mean… is this rocket science?
Teresa November 25, 2012 at 12:00 pm
Hi Eric,
I Agree with you regarding Step Two. lol It does seem simple doesn’t it?
The headline shouldn’t read, “Why do men lie”. It should read, “People lie”. The problem or the challenge is that 99% of all people lie (i.e. white lies and beyond). The work lie, the relationship lie, and the list goes on and on.
No one likes to be lied to from a lover or anyone else on the planet. I guess we are most offended when someone we love lies to us. It cuts like a knife and we are left thinking, wtf? And then all the others feelings come out. Maybe it’s at this stage where we can all minimize the damage onto ourselves. All we can do is control our actions and attitude. So in my case, this was the first time he had lied to me but it stuck. The way in which he lied, blamed me etc. made it very easy to walk away! Just got rid of him. That was over two weeks ago and my life has improved. No more Mike drama, no more lies, no more frustration etc. We really are the company we keep. Look at your friends today and you will learn something about yourself.
Teresa November 12, 2012 at 2:35 pm
I’ll stop venting after this post.
This topic fires me up right now because I had to close the door on a very good “friend” who lied, and lie was nasty, it hurt me, and it changed our friendship. I could already see some red flags but nothing that shut me down, yet.
Not only did this person lie to me, he took to blaming for me for the lie afterwards. He did this twice. When he asked for forgiveness. I gave it. I also tried to put myself in his shoes. I know that he is a good person, but I could no longer trust him, he was causing harm and stress in my life. I’m in my 40′s, I’m not interested in games, navigating through whether he’s lying again, or telling the truth. When he lied, he did so right to my face, over and over. He did it so well and fast, making stuff up as he went along, that when I found out, it actually scared me to my bones. He apologized for days. He took to blaming me after I forgave him but needed to walk away from him; close the door. He said, “if you had really forgiven me, we’d still be friends”. Not in this case. I told him, “just because you forgive someone that has caused you harm, hurt you, doesn’t mean you let them back in your front door to do it again. So I’m sad today, of course I am. I miss the fun stuff we used to do. But you should have seen me for the past 5 days….I felt dead, sad to my bones, all trust gone. But I will get through this, because that’s what we do. You don’t stay so you can feel good for a bit. It will happen again. FYI: there are really good people out there, go and find them.
bbbettbu November 12, 2012 at 1:51 pm
Oh boy. So, we are being ask to treat this guy like a little baby? He can’t be honest unless we handle him with kid gloves, pat him on the back and say, “Good job” and whoa to the woman who gets upset when baby boy lies about important issues? Come on. There have got to be men, real men, who don’t crumble under the burden of honesty. Small lies, of course, who wants to be brutally honest? But big lies, the kind that are deal breakers. That’s another story. My personal opinion is that if a man wants to cheat, for instance, he steps up and tells his partner that he’s thinking about it. Then, they have the choice of dealing with whatever is causing the rift before it’s unrepairable. Of course she’ll be upset. But, this is part of human nature too. She will get angry, maybe cry and then calm down and talk about the problem. If men are so fragile that they can’t deal with righteous anger, and true honesty, then we are doing something very wrong in raising our sons.
Teresa November 12, 2012 at 2:21 pm
Spot on. Yes, how are we raising our sons currently? And, what about these women who stay, make excuses for them. Look, I’ve seen it on both sides, women lie too; people lie. But I am not about to shoulder someone’s lie! He lied so not to hurt my feelings? He lied so he could escape the anger, drama of a woman? No perceived up side?
Truth hurts sometimes, but it can create change as well, good change. Telling the truth puts the other in the “know”; it allows them to make their own CHOICE. when you lie, you take all of it off the table. You let that person know you that you don’t respect yourself; so respecting them would be a challenge for you as well. Relationships don’t grow off lies, they grow off communication, telling the truth with respect for the other. You can deliver “challenging news”, news that will hurt, without blasting that person. It is now on them to act with maturity, and accept the truth, and decide how they will handle it. If your spouse freaks out with the truth, it’s on them, not you. They have to navigate through it, and they will. If you are scared to tell your spouse the truth, you might want to rethink why you married a person your scared of.
bbbettbu November 12, 2012 at 3:50 pm
Ahh, those women. The ones who stay or perhaps even more importantly, the ones who find this kind of man attractive. The women that are so desperate for a partner in their lives that they will avoid asking questions, believe everything he says, pretend that his children won’t talk to him because his ex is so controlling. (I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard ex-wives accused of this one) The truth is, she doesn’t want to know because it’s all about getting what she wants or needing someone to need her to feel good. Two peas in a pod of narcissism and neediness. Truth has absolutely nothing to do with it. The innocent bodies stack up under their new found, “love.” It’s a relationship built on lies. And they surround themselves with others who will sustain them. Shallow waters don’t run deep but they do flow the same way. It’s all about mutual denial built on lying to themselves as well as each other. Most important is to sustain the false beliefs because once they are forced to face reality, it all falls apart.
Jackie February 15, 2013 at 5:36 pm
Thank you. You have just described my relationship to a Tee. We’ve just broken up, heartbroken but all based on falseness lies and neediness. On both our parts. We both loved the idea of each other just not the cold hard truth! Why didn’t I have the strength to confront this sooner, now 4 yrs down the line and approaching 40, next time I’m making a promise to myself to be REAL!!!
Teresa November 12, 2012 at 11:39 am
“once a liar, always a liar”. You can date a liar, or you can date a person who doesn’t lie. End of story. You can play all these games, write paragraph after paragraph about the liar you married, dating, or your best friend the liar that you know. All the heartache above. Go write about the amazing person you met, that tells the truth out of respect for all involved. And NO, things will not get better.
Flyingsolo November 2, 2012 at 3:55 pm
They don’t want drama!? Lying is going to cause drama and friction and mistrust.
His “friends” always came first. He threw his daughter away.I’m sick of reading about why men lie and why men cheat and why men do this or that! The EX would return from Anger Management and call our daughter every obscenity you could think of.He’s a pretentious douchebag. I threw the bastard out.Slammed a restraining order on him. And I found out that he’s living with his parents.( He hates his parents). Where are all his “beloved” “friends” now!? Karma is a bitch.I’m grateful that my daughter and myself finally got free from this narcissistic bastard.
Zoe October 13, 2012 at 3:50 am
There was this guy I was seeing for two and a half months. I thought things were going well with us. We were already being intimate as well. The chemistry between us was amazing.
I bring up a month into it what he thought about us and he complimented me and said “I will see where it goes.” I did not question him more about it because I did not want to pressure him into anything and just left it at that. Thinking he meant he wanted to take things slow. I also mention to him that I did not want a casual thing and he did not say anything to that so I thought all was good. He understood what I meant by that.
A month and a half later he tells me that he does not want commitment. I mention to him if this is a friends with benefits thing. I do not want to be a part of it. Then he ends it with me.
I thought WTF? I told him (only once) that I did not want casual sex and here he was saying that he did not want a relationship. After I specifically told him I did not want to be casual.
I now feel like he lied to me and led me that whole month and a half, making me think he wanted something more then just sex. I actually do remember him saying before that this was not just about sex to him but why would he tell me he does not want commitment or a relationship if it was not just about sex?
I had only asked him two questions about this. Because I was not upfront about things before we started getting intimate. It just happened. Just can’t believe things turned out the way they did and just wonder if this was not just about sex. Then what was it?
Just wish things could just go back to the way they were before all this happened and we could start again but now we are not even talking to each other because apparently “we are not on the same page” according to him.
Frustrated, hurt and confused by it all. Any opinions on this would be good! It really felt right with him when things were good. Just don’t know how things got messed up all of a sudden like that!
Lucy Montes March 11, 2013 at 6:31 am
Sorry, it sounds like he was already in a relationship with someone else at time he was with you. I’m sorry, I know it hurts but, you got played! Don’t give hime a second thought.
CDizzle October 11, 2012 at 2:05 pm
Interesting article… however, it should be titled, “Why do SOCIOPATHS Lie… and how they RATIONALIZE it.” …a real man wouldn’t be cowardly and fake, changing his stance just to avoid conflict/tears. A real man is able to think IN ADVANCE, if his ACTIONS would CAUSE conflict/tears; and, a real man would AVOID these ACTIONS, even if it’s difficult. If you think lying and pretending to be “a pimp” is fulfilling; and, you’re actually willing to lie to attain this lifestyle, you’re not a man. A true man loves and fights to keep ONE, GOOD woman, and resists temptation to be unfaithful (a good woman will resist as well; neither is easy to find but “the easy route” is no way to attain a partner). A true woman has high expectations, and always keeps them high, never wavering from decency, justice, truth (same for men). Women and Men, if you need to LOWER your expectations in order to be with someone…? He’s/She’s just a big CHILD and you should MOVE ON… Men, if you think it’s OK to LIE to a woman who you’ve told that you love, no matter HOW you try to rationalize it, you are an UNWORTHY LOSER, who self-sabotaged him from a good relationship with an honest woman. Are you insecure, greedy, selfish, etc? Is the grass always greener? Men, if you keep going for the “easy ones” that’s all you’ll EVER get… and guess what? that ONE faithful, good woman you COULD HAVE HAD at one point… is GONE out of your life, forever… because… no, not ALL MEN lie or cheat; you’re not special, you’re not exceptional, you’re a liar. And you have to sleep in the bed you made, without your honest loving woman beside you. Now, because you chose to lie, you will be left with gross, easy girls who sleep with literally everyone you know, even your friends. How humiliating. You will get cheated on, lied to, etc, just like YOU did to your once-serious-girlfriend, who would NEVER LIE to you (people who are truthful remain that way– it’s their character and they don’t compromise that). Bottom line? Not ALL men LIE, not ALL men cheat… Not ALL women lie, not ALL women cheat. So stand up for what’s right, be a MAN or be a WOMAN, and find a person with your values! If those values remain constant, get married. Otherwise, have fun “playing the field” with the empty pimp life… enjoy all those wonderful STDs, lies, and nasty-ness’ that come along with the instant-gratification, no-questions-asked mentality. One day, you’ll be old and diseased, alone, and suddenly those “easy young’uns” that you placed on a pedestal, won’t even give you a glance. Why did you spend your life lying and chasing lice-infected skirts? We all age as we’ve lived… so whatever you’re doing NOW, is going to set the precedence for your old-age… It’s up to you… do you want a fulfilling happy, healthy old life surrounded by family who loves you…? OR do you want to be paying for hookers, getting stds, hanging out with liars, etc.? Make the decision NOW and live ALWAYS fighting for what’s right, fighting to STAY with your ONE TRUE LOVE, at ALL COSTS. Again, lying is a choice; I don’t have sympathy or respect for liars… it’s a CHOICE. When you choose to lie, you disrespect the person you lie to, but inevitably, you disrespect YOURSELF the most, your own character becomes flawed and disgusting… we only have ONE life, and at the end of the day, all you truly have is YOURSELF. YOU KNOW what you’ve done, YOU KNOW if you’re a liar or not. If you can live like that, as a liar I mean, that’s on you… but don’t drag another [honest] person into your cesspool of lies, deception, and corruption, rationalizing it all to yourself like it’s ok. Go find another cesspool-oriented thinker, a quick-hump, and leave us honest people ALONE. There are NO EXCUSES for a MAN or a WOMAN to LIE… EVER. The media tells us it’s natural, normal… white lies are fiiineee… well it’s not fine… and if it’s EASIER for you to lie than tell the truth?! Just… wow… that’s called being a SOCIOPATH. Live real, speak your mind, speak the truth, and don’t ever settle for anything less. If you always speak the truth, live decently, and stay true to yourself always; you have nothing to fear– you can respect yourself always, and you’ll naturally reject liars for those who are honest. Anyone can lie, that’s weak. Be real, and fight/avoid the weak, selfish tendencies of humans. Remember: “What happens in the dark, ALWAYS comes to the light.” even if you lie and get away with it, your true character WILL be revealed at some point. Honest, decent people don’t have to WORRY about TELLING THE TRUTH, because they have nothing to hide, they live deliberately, and think about CONSEQUENCES TO THEIR ACTIONS… and their character is STRONG. If you’re with a weak liar? That aint on you, you just were naive, thinking all people are as honest as you are… you’ll have to dump the liar unless they can grow a pair and take a stand to always be honest. It’s a hard lesson to learn, but if your partner is a liar… walk away, and seek out truth-tellers… it’s not as dire out there as you’re taught, and the number of liar/cheats is NOWHERE NEAR 80%, this is America…. speak and demand truth, like our great-grandfathers did. In a time like today, where almost 100% of our “leaders” and “stars” are completely fake and paid to lie, it’s IMPORTANT for our generation, more than ever, to RISE UP, and to REMEMBER AMERICAN VALUES, and to BE THE EXAMPLE. One day, all the old liars in power (who we didn’t vote for) WILL die, and WE will restore America to its glory… may as well start now.
Karen October 11, 2012 at 9:54 pm
Wow… you sound like an insane person.
Thanks for the great article Eric. Ignore this nutcase, she is crazy.
KD October 22, 2012 at 2:50 pm
There was nothing insane about her response. And calling someone insane, a nutcase , and crazy reflects poorly on you.
vck October 23, 2012 at 8:54 pm
I have to agree with the other poster. There was nothing insane about her post. I think honesty should be expected between two people in a relationship man or woman. If you have to lie about something, it means you are uncomfortable telling the truth for whatever reason and if something makes you uncomfortable enough to lie about it to your significant other, then you probably shouldn’t be doing it.
Joann December 3, 2012 at 7:01 pm
It didn’t come across as insane to me either. The only parts I take a bit of issue with is the patriotic America this & that near the end. America’s got nothing to do with this relationships issue. This is the internet, it’s global. Relationship problems like this are also global. America is not the world!
McK October 10, 2012 at 2:21 am
Ok… answer THIS. SO a man lies to keep from having a fight, to keep from living with drama, there is no upside for telling the truth, and they don’t feel good enough in the relationship to speak the truth…..
SO WHY STICK AROUND IN THIS RELATIONSHIP?????????????
If you can’t tell me the truth for the above reasons…then WE are not right for each other. WHY STICK AROUND????? I swear, it’s just to hurt others while grabbing all the good things you can (and no…not sex).
I am just TIRED of the LIES!!! Does NO-ONE tell the truth anymore???????
Chris September 7, 2012 at 10:12 am
I met a guy on tagged, we started talking and found we had many things in common. We are both in the middle of divorces & in our 40′s. After weeks of talking, texting, and skyping; We met, took a walk in the park, around a lake, fed the squirrels. He brought me a gift from a trip he had just returned from. He text me every morning and night until last night, he goes to college and when he text me yesterday morning said he did not get much sleep the night before thinking of me. When I didn’t get a text or call last night I was worried he had an accident due to sleep deprivation, I text no reply, I emailed no reply, I called no answer. He finally text me at 4 this morning saying he fell asleep on a friends couch during a study group. Then I get a text saying his soon to be ex wife said his women need to stop emailing her, said she got one from me and wanted to know how I would feel if he did that to my ex. I was devastated. I called him immediately he answered I told him it was not me and I was hurt he would accuse me of such a thing. I have only been open and honest, and if he wanted to contact my ex he could, I have nothing to hide. He apologized and ask me to forget it, I have developed very strong feelings for him, but don’t know I can forget it. Honesty is so important for me, I have been hurt so much in my life. He has things about himself he is ashamed of like height, and other things, but they do not matter to me, I fell in love for who he is, and his personality, not what he looks like. I am at a loss and scared to invest further emotions until my insecurities are settled.
Lucy Montes March 11, 2013 at 6:13 am
Honestly,take from meeeeee stay away from him he has some serious issues inwhich he feels the need to play headgames with you to make himself feel better about his own imperfections. Wish you well.
Amanda August 30, 2012 at 4:16 pm
Ok, I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now, we met about 4 years ago and talked/dated for a year (never made me his gf) eventually we stopped talking because he didn’t have feelings for me anymore comes to find out 1 month after he has a gf! So I move on a few months later he contacts me apologizing for everything and how he treated me and so forth and I told him I had moved on and had a bf now , he understood and from that day for the next two years he always texted me asked me how I was doing if. We could ever hang out if I was ever going to give him another chance and so forth, I was a little over it but still ha feeling for him so after two years I gave it another sho and we’ve been together since BUT! I found out he had lied to me about his past and how many girls he had been with and so forth, I keep finding more and more things out about girls and girls he was messin around with at the sometime talking to me and trying to get together with me, after I constantly asked him if there were other girls I always got a no and that he was waiting around for me, but then I see on his Facebook all the messages with so many girls about when they’re going to hook up again an hang out and so forth up until the day before we make it official! I feel so betrayed and lied to I mean I know it’s his past but why couldn’t he be honest from the beginning considering we’ve already had some bad history? I don’t want to leave him because he’s an amazing bf and treats me like a princess but I feel like tree is so much more he’s hiding and constantly lying about?I don’t know how to trust him or hat to believe, I even know some of the girls they’re acquaintances of mine and I’ve asked him about them and he still lies even tho I know the truth… What do I do please help!!!
April August 18, 2012 at 4:36 pm
Hi,
I think men lie for their own good and benefit. They all want to have the time of their lives so they make the most out of it even if it means lying and hurting deeply the person who loves them. I met a guy in a social networking application on bbm last April 2012. We discovered we have so much in common and and time flies whenever we talk with each other. Lately this July, I have been noticing a lot of changes and I only had a simple request,that is, to be honest about his feelings for me or if he already found another. When I met him he said he was single and just broke up with his thai girlfriend because she cheated on him by dating his bestfriend. Knowing that made me comfortable enough that it is fine to love him. We skype as much as possible and we talk every single day. He even introduced me to his friend on skype which made me think he was serious about me. Anyways, I have been sensing a lot of changes lately (rude when talking to me, un-answered emails and or texts and none even goodnights and goodmornings) which is totally different as to how things used to be. He told me he will be away for 4 days and it was the perfect time for me to do my research. Today, I found out that he and his girlfriend are still together and never broke up. I also found out that I look so much like her maybe because we are both Asians. The guy promised to see me next year and told me everything will be put into place until then. I can’t believe I loved a liar. I can’t believe guys can do horrible things such as this. I have never been hurt my entire life and I dont deserve this. I dont know what I did to be worthy of this, I am a very nice person, with breeding, smart and I have a nice job. I dont know why of all those girls, he chose me to play with. My view about guys will never be the same again. They all look mean and liars to me now.
Pixie October 15, 2012 at 5:05 pm
I’m sorry you were hurt like this, the guy that lied to you has no honor and is a horrible, selfish person to deceive you like this. Please seek counselling if you can, they can really help you learn to deal with things in life like this. It’s especially important that you deal with these feelings now before they destroy your next relationship. Remember, the guy you were with was a jerk, but every new guy should come with a clean slate. Don’t punish the new guy in your life because of what happened before.
Lucy Montes March 11, 2013 at 6:59 am
Simply put he’s a predator and you were his prey. He picked you because you were successful and you have confidence in yourself. Seriously, there are man out there like this I know for a fact. No, No, you didn’t deserve it, it’s not about you. Hope you’re doing well now days.
Evelyn August 13, 2012 at 3:13 pm
I have been with this great guy for little of 2 years now.. we are great together.. he treats me right and I know he loves me and would never cheat on me. Not to long ago I did find out he has been having some coversations with a so called “friend”.. if they are just freinds why would he be telling her he loves her he miss her he wants to kiss her all over and more. I did ask him soo many times over and over if he talked to any of his ex gf’s or friends like he does to me and his rely was “no babe, never” what a lie.. how can he do that to me. She does live in Germany and she has a man and kids of her own so I dont know what is going on with my bf and that girl. By the conversations she doesnt know he has a gf because he never mentions me only our dogs. He did ask me how I found out.. he asked did you looked through my phone I said no he asked again and I said no again.. finally I told him yes I looked through your phone.. he was soo mad my gosh he took it to the next level.. but he was still talking to his so called “Friend” like nothing but he was soo mad at me.. now he says he doesnt trust me becuase I lied.. but he never lied.. I sacrafised everything for him to move away from my family and freinds to be with him in a different state.. I thought he would be the one who loved me and only me.. he know I am very emotinal and I am a very giving person.. dont know how much I can ake before I break down for good.. I dont understand how he can be like that and lie to me and then tell me the same stuff he tell that so called freind of his makes me sick.. I dont want to lose him he is a great guy but just dont like what he does behind my back.. he would not like if I did that to him .. just wish guys didnt mess up what they have with a great girl!!
April August 25, 2012 at 5:47 am
Evelyn,
You seem like a good girl and that you love the person so much. I have been there myself and it sucks big time when you don’t even know what is that something that you “did not give” to deserve his actions/lies. He may seem like a great guy to you, but the fact is, he is not. I believe 80% of the guys are cheaters, liars and flirts. Take all the time you need to heal, there is no use staying in the relationship if the foundation is nothing but lies and denial. Time heals all wounds, I did’nt know I can, but little by little I am sort feeling that I am becoming free. Free from all the lies, the hatred and anger. I was trapped and didnt know what is the right thing to do and that is understandable, that is why you have to give yourself the time to think, be alone and fix yourself up. Once you are done getting over that person, go ahead and look/wait for that remaining 20% of guys willing to love you genuinely. You and you alone, you deserve to be number 1. You deserve not just the better but the best guy. Go back to your family and friends, they will be the ones to help you during these times. Don’t waste your time hoping he will change unless he DO EVERYTHING to make it up to you. Once a cheater/liar always a cheat/liar. It is not our fault we fell in love with the wrong guy, but it will be if we chose to be with them despite all of these. You can make it through.
prettty meh.. January 22, 2013 at 3:01 pm
we have same situation evelyn.. and much worser than my situatuion.. i have my boyfriend on our 1st year in relationship he promises all the good words which a girl wanted to hear from his boyfriend.. i sacrifice some things to be with him.. i know he loves me but the fact.. he cannot avoid flirting, communicating to his past girlfriends.. when we always discussing and fighting it again and again again… i ask him many times if i’am enough to him.. he said YES but the way he act in our relantionship its all imaginary!!!… its like he loves me but he loves also to flirt to some girls.. he said he will change and forget the bad memories he did of conversation and making sweet messages on his past GF… but nothing change… not even once,twice,trice,fourth, and he reapet it reapet everytime.. many times.. and it sick in my mind… grrrrrr… everytime i check his accounts in facebook skype there’s a conversation between his past GF.. and some sort of girls that he flirting.. and it blow me up!!! i cannot handle it anymore i cannot live on his promisses.. i cannot stand it anymore.. enough!!!!!!.. i love him… but its not worth to keep the relationship with all LIES … now im moving on.. its very hard to let go.. but it said time will heal..
Lucy Montes March 11, 2013 at 7:09 am
Interesting….. ummm..I wonder if, she’s still with her so called a great guy or not????
Bobby July 22, 2012 at 2:17 pm
Me and my girl argue if I tell the true or lie she just don’t believe anything I say when I do lie it b about the littlest thing just to get her and find out how she knows but she lies to she thinks b/c she is so real she don’t lie but you can be the realist but doesnt mean anything sometimes I think she just like to argue
loveless-lust June 25, 2012 at 12:52 am
I have been dating this fella for about 7 months now. Things are great! We get along soooo well and easily. We both agree that we are the most comfortable with each other, than we have ever been with anyone else. Things just literally *click*. BUUUTTTTT……About a month ago I had to suddenly leave town for 3 days (family emergency). While I was out of town, I have reason to believe that my fella has done some shameful things. For starters we didn’t have our normal phone conversations that we have even when we aren’t going to bed together, even just a few miles apart, let alone 1,000. Never checked in with me to make sure I traveled safely (I was driving-alone). While having a very brief text conversation, suddenly stopped. I didn’t get a response until the following day about 15 hours later. He claimed he had fallen asleep, that his phone died (first time EVER!!! at least since we’ve been dating….he works for a phone store, has 2 or 3 batteries in his pocket at a time) and that he slept till 4pm, which also has NEVER happened. I already knew before he called me where he was because a friend of mine saw him and called me asking where I was. And it wasn’t in bed sleeping the 14 hours he claimed. I never pressed him when I came home, but kept bringing up honesty conversations, still nothing. I mean we get along sosososo well and it just didn’t make sense why he would lie to me. About 3 days after I came back I was changing the sheets and cleaning up, I found a used condom under the bed and jewelry in the sheets. He SWEARS he has no clue where it came from. I told him lets just forget about it. But I dont think I can, and why should I? About 2 weeks ago he finally admitted that he lied about where and what he did the night in question (He went to an all night bar in the city with his friends) Said he lied about it because…get this….he “felt bad that I wasn’t there” but didn’t deny the rest of the weekend that I also obviously wasn’t there for either….???? I was reading about why men lie, and it said because women react badly et c; But see that is the thing I have never responded badly to anything my fella did, when he wanted to hang with his friends, or whatever else. I am confused and need advice. Should I believe my fella and move on? Or should I demand answers, get closure, and move on out?
Pj July 16, 2012 at 4:30 pm
He cheated and doesn’t want to be truthful.
Linda Panozzo August 2, 2012 at 11:48 am
Don’t believe him! I have been married for 25 years, and my husband doesn’t know how to tell the truth. He lies constantly and then gets upset when I say, “I don’t trust you” anymore…. go figure. Get out now, he will never change.
Linda Panozzo August 2, 2012 at 11:49 am
Let me preface this with, I was just like you, didn’t give him grief believed him when he told me something…. our willingness to go along….. and my long suffering, thinking that it will change… didn’t do me any favors….
Stephanie October 19, 2012 at 1:51 am
He cheated big time and each time you have asked him about it was a lie. Come on girls, we need to stand TALL and strong with our belielfs. I would definitely leave, but before you do DO NOT tell him, and make a plan, incase you have no job, etc. Ive been married 26 years and like Linda Panozzo, mine has lied thoughout our marriage, controlling and abusive..I stopped it all together. I’m just doing me, with living, trying to have fun, the problem is was I wasn’t allowed to work, now it’s been a struggle trying to get back in the work field. I have no friends because I wasn’t allowed to, I’m stuck and can’t afford to get out, not without a job. What a waste. So if you can.. leave. He won’t change. He will say to himself well I’ll keep doing it because I’m getting away with it.
ashley August 24, 2012 at 10:19 pm
I don’t know if you guys are still together or not, but just leave. Let him go. Don’t let someone take you for granted. My ex was a really big liar too and all it did was cause stress.
April August 25, 2012 at 5:57 am
Dump him! But the final decision is yours. When you are so inlove, you don’t know what is the right thing to do. You know when a guy doesnt care about you in even the simplest ways (texting where you are, or did you get enough rest or what are your plans for the day) means he doesnt care! Texting or giving your special someone a call should be as easy as BREATHING! but if you really do not care or have less affection for the person (different than what he claims) fact is, he wouldnt bother care! You deserve better. Move on, he is not worth a single love
Will be difficult, but you will be surprised as to how strong you are when you finally moved on, and most importantly, you will have a high respect yourself.
Charlie June 2, 2012 at 7:35 am
I’ve been dating a guy I met online for about 6-8 weeks. We live in different cities so we’ve only had 3 dates although each lasted about 8 hrs (spent all day together).
The 3rd was on Sunday (27th May). We had a really nice date. Spent most of the day in the park. He was more affectionate (kissing me constantly, holding my hand, hugging me, stroking my hair) than he’s ever been. The only issue was that he said from the 2nd date he wanted to sleep with me. On Sunday at his he asked when I was next up (I’m seeing friends in London this weekend) and that I could stay (for obvious reasons). I said I’d prefer to be exclusive with someone before sleeping with them. He felt that he needs to sleep with someone before becoming exclusive to see if there’s a connection. I said that I wasn’t prepared to be one of many girls he’s sleeping with but he said he would never sleep with more than one at once and would always be honest with me so would say if he met someone else. He could tell I was unsure so hugged me and said there was no rush/pressure and not to worry. He said this several times unprovoked. When he dropped me at the station he repeated it but said I should still visit so to let him know.
I let him know I was home safe and had a fun time. He replied saying he’d also had a nice time and commented on the length of the journey apologising. I said it wasn’t his fault just my lack of checking that transport was running normally and that I should hurry-up and move there (before we met the 1st time I’d said I was looking to move to London).
Thursday I text him in the day asking if he was about that evening to discuss plans and if he was still free. No answer. I thought he must be busy so I rang that night anyway. He didn’t pick up. Obviously I was crushed as he said he’d be honest. I thought about it all yesterday (31st May) so last night messaged him on the dating site saying I wasn’t sure if he got the text/call but I was free tomorrow (Sunday) and would stay (saying I wanted to spend time with him and not worry about catching trains). I know it was probably needy but I thought maybe he’d lost his phone. I still haven’t heard back. Please help. I don’t know what happened in those 3 days to make him change his mind.
April August 25, 2012 at 6:01 am
It is very clear he only wants to get in your pants. Good thing you value yourself and did not give what he is not deserving. Just think about it, what if you have given him what he wanted and later on ignored you like what he is doing now? It will be more devastating like what you are feeling right now.
Stop calling/texting the person. One thing I learned about guys is that they dont text/call you if they dont love or even like you. Proven and tested.
paige May 31, 2012 at 1:02 am
I found out my boyfriend lied to me about where he was. Could he be lying because he is cheating?
April August 25, 2012 at 6:08 am
There are white lies my dear, but for me, a lie isstill a lie! Relationship will never be healthy if two people are not honest with each other. My ex lied to me about him and his ex getting back together because he said he didnt want to hurt me. I dont really believe in that crap. I just think he didnt want to let go of me and wanted to get the best of both worlds that is why he didnt have the guts to tell me so. When I learned about it, I was at the top of my feelings for him! Sooo in to him, so inlove with him but I had to stop myself. Imagine how hard it was to go against your OWN FEELINGS, your OWN MIND. I made it through with the help of my family and friends. Strong support systems and work. I have a suggestion for you, talk to him and calm yourself down and assure him you wont get mad just be honest. Confront him, and when you get the real answers (some guys are really stubborn and will defend their lies no matter what) do the right thing to do. Assess the situation and lies if it is valid or not. Then DO WHAT IS RIGHT for the situation even if it hurts.
Lana May 14, 2012 at 12:49 am
“To call up one common scenario, think of a time where a close female friend has noticeably put on weight. She asks you in a heartbroken tone, “Do you think I look fat?” No girl (except a complete “B”) is going to say, “Yes, you look enormous.” The response she will most likely receive is, “No, you look great!” or something similarly placating.”
I don’t agree with teh above, that only a complete B will tell her female friend the truth, if I am a real friend I want my friend to be the best she can and I am the only one who can honestly say that she has to watch the weight…and I honestly would
Lisa May 2, 2012 at 6:14 pm
Great article, you’ve pretty much hit the nail on the head.
Only a couple of things I want to add..
Most men really value their image and pride. They want to appear as heroes and want women to be proud of them. With little lies about their accomplishments or small embellishments of their past achievements, women tend to admire them more. This improves their self image.
Another small thing is avoiding potential arguements. They would rather tell a little white lie, then go through all the hassle of arguing. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I mean nobody likes a liar, but sometimes men have good intentions when they go about doing it.
I hope you don’t mind if I share this article with my readers Eric! I’m sure they will find your take on things very interesting.
Eric Charles May 2, 2012 at 7:22 pm
Good comment Lisa, thanks.
paula April 11, 2012 at 10:33 am
I was with my partner 10 years and recently he just walked out on me only leaving a letter explaining why he left & what he expected me to do in order to win him back. He said I should get a career (which I already have but obviously not good enough) and should stop talking when we are around his family. When he left I contacted his mother & father who swore they hadn’t heard from but I knew they were only protecting their son & I don’t blame them for that. He has taken off for a week in the past but never left a letter & always left money to help me pay our bills & home. This time around he took our only car, left me a pile of bills and his damn dog. Since then I have seen him on 2 occassions. 1st time we never really had a chance to talk personally due to nosey family always hanging around to be nosey so we didn’t really get to speak but we were very touchy & intimate coz we missed eachother. 2nd time we hired a hotel room and enjoyed our selves immensely however when he told me his parents were helping him by financing his escape I flew into a deep rage because I lost my house, car & the person I thought loved me. Since then I deleted his number & blocked from contact for now. But he uses people to pass messages that he loves me & I’m the only woman he’ll ever love. Because he’s took off in the past I’ve never truely forgiven him. He broke my trust because of all the lies & deceit & the fact he wasn’t embarrassed to ask people to lie to from both our families is what really infuriates me. It’s also made me accuse him of being a cheating man even tho I know he’s more likely to cheat on me with a car than an actual person (he’s a rev head through & through). He says he wants me to move on but at the same time while i’m trying he keeps popping through txts or asks his family to contact me to reassure me that he loves me. Honestly I’m over never feeling good enough. I just want to move on but do it in a civilised way without being bitter. He’s always depended on me to wait for him and look after his person items & pet. Everytime this has happened I do what he expect because I thought that was love. Now I realise that he thinks he’s got me wrapped around my finger but I want to show him that I can be unpredictable and move on without allowing him the priviledge of running back to me. When he lies he ends up telling different stories to me, to his mother and to other people in general.
lola March 22, 2012 at 2:26 pm
hi , ive been in a relationship for 3 years but i dont know if i should get married to him hes a criminal but i really love him and hes nice to me .
Nikki March 8, 2012 at 1:27 pm
My boyfriend and I have been together over 3 years now. We moved in together after being together for almost 7 months. We met in Iraq while working together. He was going through a similar situation I had been going through…both of our spouses had left us for someone else. We were just friends at this point and would talk on occasion. We did not become a couple until several months after returning from Iraq. I ended up getting out of the military because I was diagnosed with cancer. He ended up deploying to Iraq again after 2 months of living with each other. He was constantly accusing me of cheating or talking to other people so I in turn got suspicious. I got into his myspace and facebook account…I know big no no! What I found was heartbreaking! He was talking to several different women and his ex girlfriend. He was telling his ex she was the best thing that ever happened to him…blah blah and that he was “hanging out” with me because I had cancer and he was helping me through it. He made sexual advances towards other females. It was devastating. When I confronted him he still lied to me even though the proof was in writing. We had been together a year at this point and I felt terribly betrayed. Here it is almost 3 years later and I still feel like he lies to me. One of his soldiers he was giving a ride to was referring to him by his first name and he told me that’s just how they are at work. Then he tells me that he has cheated on everyone he has ever been with, but would never do that to me and said he would swear it on his son. I feel like I am being taken for a fool. I have two children that have grown to love him and think of him as a father figure. I want to believe what he says, but he has lied so much…including dating sites he claims he doesn’t know how his profile just magically appeared on, etc. I feel like I am holding on to the hope that I am just the paranoid one who needs to get a grip!
Eric Charles March 6, 2012 at 3:59 pm
Just a random thought I wish I had added into the article…
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It’s not that men who lie hate or disrespect women. In most cases, it’s quite the opposite: They love women and never want to be the one who makes a woman cry. So they avoid it at all costs.
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And therein comes the appeal of the lying to avoid that uncomfortable situation. Cowardly? Yes, definitely. But that’s the reason.
Shouldofknown March 6, 2012 at 7:49 am
After 3 very hard years, I figured out why my man lies to me. He does not always do the right thing. Sometimes his temper gets the better of him and he does things or says things that makes him what he calls a dick. So here it is.
He loves me very much and never wants to see me disappointed in him. He is my hero and wants to stay that way. So he lies to me or he refuses to answer a question.
I taught him to do this because of my reaction to what I thought was deception. In truth, it was my lack of understanding and expectations.
I expected him to be what he said he was. I believed him, but it was not the truth, it was how he wanted to be not how he was.
today, I have no expectations, I love the man he is offering me. I am secure in his love. It is not what I want it to be yet but I have faith that he will be all that be wants to be.
OzBlonde March 5, 2012 at 5:46 pm
Thanks Eric,
Makes a lot of sense.
I suppose I knew most of what you have said but often looked for other reasons for lying.
One thing that confuses me is why a man tells you he is into.Tells you he likes you a lot,flatters you,says he misses you etc.
He projects into the future when he speaks as if you will be seeing a lot of him.
He makes plans and promises and doesnt follow through.
He even stops all contact.His actions say the opposite of his words.Why does he say those things to lead us on?
Pj July 16, 2012 at 4:29 pm
He’s fickle.
Shammy February 20, 2012 at 12:31 am
yes i am miserable in this relationship i am so uncomfortable. but what can i do dramatically? its like i cant live without him and i dont wanna feel that way anymore
Chloe February 18, 2012 at 2:01 pm
Hi Eric,
Thank you for you article, very inspiring as usual. However I’m still not quite sured if he lied to me and why after reading it. About 5 months ago, my best friend introduced this guy to me, she said we would be a perfect match. And that’s what I thought after 4 months of dating. He is very attrative, funny, smart, and has a great job and good family values, we have lots in commom. He asked me to be his girlfriend at the end of our first date, and told our mutual friend(my BFF who’s also his colleague) that we were together and he was very happy that he met me, changed his facebook relationship status after one month of dating, we talked about meeting his family, going to a vocation together, even about me find a new job in the town where he lives(we live 40mins apart). He replied to my textes in time and always answered my calls. I always thought he was more into me that I was into him. He said the L word many times in different ways then I said it back when I felt the same, guess I was much more reserved, when he asked about moving in together and asked ”if I go down by one knee…do you think you would say yes..” I said it’s too early, he said it’s worth mentioning he’s never asked anyone else about moving in and etc.
Till the end of the 4th month, everything was perfect, the sex was good too. Then he got sick and was really stressful at work, but he didn’t tell me the details, he just didn’t talk to me in that week as much as before. I got really worried after he didn’t return any of my calls for 5 days, so I went to his apartment and found he didn’t go to work becaus his car was there and he was home, but he just didn’t open the door for me. I knew he doesn’t want me to see him being sick, he is that kind of metrosexual guys who care about their images alot lol. But I was really worried and frustrated after 5 days of no contact at all, so I waited at his door for about one hour and kept texting and calling…….I admitted to him that I lost my cool and didn’t handle the situation well. But he just completely withdrew himeself after that, and he changed his facebook status back to single and unfriended me. I think that’s a really demeaning way to breakup with someone. We are both mature adults here, we know at the end of a relationship you should breakup in person, especially after all those talks about Love and our Future together.
Are those all lies? Is he a liar?
Eric Charles February 18, 2012 at 10:58 am
Here’s the thing: He doesn’t treat you well now.
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Everything you described makes me think you’re miserable right now and just hoping he’ll change.
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The reality is that I see no reason he would stop treating you poorly. Currently, he treats you poorly and you are still around. He has “lost respect for you totally” and treats you this way and you put up with it and wish things will somehow improve.
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I hate to be blunt, but I don’t see any reason why things would improve.
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One of the BEST indicators whether you should be in a relationship is HOW YOU FEEL in the relationship (which, again, sounds like you’re miserable).
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The only thing I could imagine changing a situation like this is if you left that guy and opened yourself to new dating possibilities.
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And maybe, if the guy came back and BEGGED you for forgiveness and SHOWED you that he really cares and will never be that way again… then maybe he’ll have changed. Maybe.
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But it sounds to me like you already know that if you just stay in the relationship doing what you’ve always done, you’re going to continue being treated that way. You need to do something dramatically different than what you’re doing now.
Erica73 June 3, 2012 at 6:09 am
Hi Eric:
After reading your reply to Chole, I must say it was a heart breaking moment to learn the lesson hard but I hate to see that happens when a man suddenly withdraw himself without any warning signs. I also hate to say as a woman I do not like to be treated this way and nobody does when men treat us poorly and they can act whatever they want and still be able to walk out from the situation. THIS DOES NOT MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL! Do we women supposed to be treated like craps everytime when men fill us up with excuses? I’ve been following your blog and no offense I do appreciated the advice you gave us everytime. But I can’t help but wondering why men always withdraw themselves without any reasons and don’t they know it hurts us badly???
Erica73
Shammy February 17, 2012 at 10:02 am
i have a boyfriend of 4 years. He was sweet at the beginning and i fell in love with that person. Now he keeps breaking of our relationship, he talks to me very badly whenever i try to connect with him, he has no time for me, he barely call me and text me. i have cried and begged him to treat me better and he would try to for couple days and then he’ll go right back to where he was. whenever he’s with me he behave better sort of but when he’s back home he’s that person who seems never to care at all. we live separately because he teaches in the country and i go to school in the town. He lost respect for me totally.
His he treating me like this because he knows i love him?
Will things get any better?
What else should i do? because it sucks to let all this time and effort that i put in this relationship to go down the drain