It’s time to have a frank discussion about lying and deceit. I see a lot of fears floating around in the the dating world and it can be disheartening.
In order to have a truly fulfilling relationship (or even start a healthy relationship) with a great guy, you need to come from a place of strength, confidence and fulfillment.
Whenever a relationship goes sour (or fails to launch), it’s almost always caused by some tiny fear, doubt, worry or insecurity that grows and festers until you feel overwhelmed by the whole ordeal.
And what happens? Your fears and worries compel you to confirm whether they’re real or imaginary. You stop enjoying the relationship for what it is and start craving validation and confirmation that it’s “the real deal.”
And there’s only one thing that manifests from that place… neediness.
These days, people are quick to throw the concept of neediness around without actually looking at what it is. I’ve had some of my female readers complain that the term neediness makes it sound like I’m framing women as weak, fragile, insecure creatures that just cling to men (and stress them out).
Nothing could be further from the truth. I think women bring a tremendous strength and power to the table in relationships… when they have access to it and are free of their own fears.
Men and women have fears. Those fears are greater now more than ever really since there’s an entire industry devoted to making sure men and women are wrought with insecurities so they buy products (sowing in and agitating tiny insecurities is the bread and butter of the marketing world).
A major fear is being lied to deceived which brings me to the main question of this article: Why do men lie?
Here are a few potential reasons:
- They don’t want to hurt your feelings. And if you’ve shown yourself to be a girl who gets upset and dramatic when he tells you the truth, you’re essentially training him to say what you want to hear to keep the peace. At best, it’s sugarcoating or avoiding a volatile subject. At worst, it’s a straight up lie to avoid drama and waterworks.Weak? Cowardly? Sure, but men live in the mindset of wins and losses, victories and defeats. What’s the upside to being honest if it simply leads to a more difficult life with no perceived upside. Which brings me to the next point…
- They don’t want the drama. Like I was saying, if not telling the truth is harmless enough and being honest will just cause drama, heartache and grief for both parties, why would a man want to do it? I’m not advocating the behavior and I hold honesty as a high virtue for myself, but part of looking at this requires us to be honest about human nature: Humans (men and women) want to make life easier for ourselves, not harder. And that’s not the case if there’s…
- No perceived upside. If you want the truth and honesty, find a way to reward that behavior, not punish it by putting him through hell.
- They want to impress you and/or they don’t feel like “enough” without lying or putting up a front. From one angle, you could almost look at this one as a compliment: the guy is trying to impress you because he doesn’t feel “good enough” to get you on his own. It’s not a compliment though – it’s not only insecure behavior, but it also doesn’t allow for a real foundation to be built for a relationship. For a guy to be honest with you, he has to be secure enough in himself to know that you’ll still want him if he’s “real” with you.
OK, now I want to step back because I can imagine that my points may have enraged certain readers, who are ready to comment with things like, “Why should we have to reward his dumb ass for not lying?” And “why shouldn’t we put him through hell if the truth is that he’s an jerk?”
Easy there – let me put it to you like this.
First, this isn’t a male-female thing. I’m talking about human nature – no one gender is more or less habitually a “liar”.
You know all sorts of women who lie to their female friends on occasion… you may or may not have done it yourself.
To call up one common scenario, think of a time where a close female friend has noticeably put on weight. She asks you in a heartbroken tone, “Do you think I look fat?” No girl (except a complete “B”) is going to say, “Yes, you look enormous.” The response she will most likely receive is, “No, you look great!” or something similarly placating.
Assuming you can relate to the above scenario, or have at least seen it play out in some way, shape or form, why do they do it? Why do they tell that placating lie? If you ask someone, they’ll tell you it’s “to keep the peace” or “because they needed to hear it” or “because they couldn’t handle the truth” or “because the truth wouldn’t have helped her, it would only hurt her.
Most of us are also acquainted with people on the other end of the spectrum and are brutally honest all the time. Those kinds of people go beyond being brutally honest and are often brutal to be around.
Tactful, well delivered honesty is a tall order to expect from people. Sad, but true – the best you can do is encourage tactful honesty from them.
When someone is honest with you, they are trying to do the right thing and respect you – the best response you can give them is to thank them for their honesty and let them know how it hit you without drama. It takes emotional maturity and life experience to be able to show people that you can handle and appreciate honesty.
But when you do, people will be honest with you – this applies to both men and women.
Hope that’s helpful,
eric charles
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“To call up one common scenario, think of a time where a close female friend has noticeably put on weight. She asks you in a heartbroken tone, “Do you think I look fat?” No girl (except a complete “B”) is going to say, “Yes, you look enormous.” The response she will most likely receive is, “No, you look great!” or something similarly placating.”
I don’t agree with teh above, that only a complete B will tell her female friend the truth, if I am a real friend I want my friend to be the best she can and I am the only one who can honestly say that she has to watch the weight…and I honestly would
Great article, you’ve pretty much hit the nail on the head.
Only a couple of things I want to add..
Most men really value their image and pride. They want to appear as heroes and want women to be proud of them. With little lies about their accomplishments or small embellishments of their past achievements, women tend to admire them more. This improves their self image.
Another small thing is avoiding potential arguements. They would rather tell a little white lie, then go through all the hassle of arguing. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I mean nobody likes a liar, but sometimes men have good intentions when they go about doing it.
I hope you don’t mind if I share this article with my readers Eric! I’m sure they will find your take on things very interesting.
Good comment Lisa, thanks.
I was with my partner 10 years and recently he just walked out on me only leaving a letter explaining why he left & what he expected me to do in order to win him back. He said I should get a career (which I already have but obviously not good enough) and should stop talking when we are around his family. When he left I contacted his mother & father who swore they hadn’t heard from but I knew they were only protecting their son & I don’t blame them for that. He has taken off for a week in the past but never left a letter & always left money to help me pay our bills & home. This time around he took our only car, left me a pile of bills and his damn dog. Since then I have seen him on 2 occassions. 1st time we never really had a chance to talk personally due to nosey family always hanging around to be nosey so we didn’t really get to speak but we were very touchy & intimate coz we missed eachother. 2nd time we hired a hotel room and enjoyed our selves immensely however when he told me his parents were helping him by financing his escape I flew into a deep rage because I lost my house, car & the person I thought loved me. Since then I deleted his number & blocked from contact for now. But he uses people to pass messages that he loves me & I’m the only woman he’ll ever love. Because he’s took off in the past I’ve never truely forgiven him. He broke my trust because of all the lies & deceit & the fact he wasn’t embarrassed to ask people to lie to from both our families is what really infuriates me. It’s also made me accuse him of being a cheating man even tho I know he’s more likely to cheat on me with a car than an actual person (he’s a rev head through & through). He says he wants me to move on but at the same time while i’m trying he keeps popping through txts or asks his family to contact me to reassure me that he loves me. Honestly I’m over never feeling good enough. I just want to move on but do it in a civilised way without being bitter. He’s always depended on me to wait for him and look after his person items & pet. Everytime this has happened I do what he expect because I thought that was love. Now I realise that he thinks he’s got me wrapped around my finger but I want to show him that I can be unpredictable and move on without allowing him the priviledge of running back to me. When he lies he ends up telling different stories to me, to his mother and to other people in general.
hi , ive been in a relationship for 3 years but i dont know if i should get married to him hes a criminal but i really love him and hes nice to me .
My boyfriend and I have been together over 3 years now. We moved in together after being together for almost 7 months. We met in Iraq while working together. He was going through a similar situation I had been going through…both of our spouses had left us for someone else. We were just friends at this point and would talk on occasion. We did not become a couple until several months after returning from Iraq. I ended up getting out of the military because I was diagnosed with cancer. He ended up deploying to Iraq again after 2 months of living with each other. He was constantly accusing me of cheating or talking to other people so I in turn got suspicious. I got into his myspace and facebook account…I know big no no! What I found was heartbreaking! He was talking to several different women and his ex girlfriend. He was telling his ex she was the best thing that ever happened to him…blah blah and that he was “hanging out” with me because I had cancer and he was helping me through it. He made sexual advances towards other females. It was devastating. When I confronted him he still lied to me even though the proof was in writing. We had been together a year at this point and I felt terribly betrayed. Here it is almost 3 years later and I still feel like he lies to me. One of his soldiers he was giving a ride to was referring to him by his first name and he told me that’s just how they are at work. Then he tells me that he has cheated on everyone he has ever been with, but would never do that to me and said he would swear it on his son. I feel like I am being taken for a fool. I have two children that have grown to love him and think of him as a father figure. I want to believe what he says, but he has lied so much…including dating sites he claims he doesn’t know how his profile just magically appeared on, etc. I feel like I am holding on to the hope that I am just the paranoid one who needs to get a grip!
Just a random thought I wish I had added into the article…
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It’s not that men who lie hate or disrespect women. In most cases, it’s quite the opposite: They love women and never want to be the one who makes a woman cry. So they avoid it at all costs.
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And therein comes the appeal of the lying to avoid that uncomfortable situation. Cowardly? Yes, definitely. But that’s the reason.
After 3 very hard years, I figured out why my man lies to me. He does not always do the right thing. Sometimes his temper gets the better of him and he does things or says things that makes him what he calls a dick. So here it is.
He loves me very much and never wants to see me disappointed in him. He is my hero and wants to stay that way. So he lies to me or he refuses to answer a question.
I taught him to do this because of my reaction to what I thought was deception. In truth, it was my lack of understanding and expectations.
I expected him to be what he said he was. I believed him, but it was not the truth, it was how he wanted to be not how he was.
today, I have no expectations, I love the man he is offering me. I am secure in his love. It is not what I want it to be yet but I have faith that he will be all that be wants to be.
Thanks Eric,
Makes a lot of sense.
I suppose I knew most of what you have said but often looked for other reasons for lying.
One thing that confuses me is why a man tells you he is into.Tells you he likes you a lot,flatters you,says he misses you etc.
He projects into the future when he speaks as if you will be seeing a lot of him.
He makes plans and promises and doesnt follow through.
He even stops all contact.His actions say the opposite of his words.Why does he say those things to lead us on?
yes i am miserable in this relationship i am so uncomfortable. but what can i do dramatically? its like i cant live without him and i dont wanna feel that way anymore
Hi Eric,
Thank you for you article, very inspiring as usual. However I’m still not quite sured if he lied to me and why after reading it. About 5 months ago, my best friend introduced this guy to me, she said we would be a perfect match. And that’s what I thought after 4 months of dating. He is very attrative, funny, smart, and has a great job and good family values, we have lots in commom. He asked me to be his girlfriend at the end of our first date, and told our mutual friend(my BFF who’s also his colleague) that we were together and he was very happy that he met me, changed his facebook relationship status after one month of dating, we talked about meeting his family, going to a vocation together, even about me find a new job in the town where he lives(we live 40mins apart). He replied to my textes in time and always answered my calls. I always thought he was more into me that I was into him. He said the L word many times in different ways then I said it back when I felt the same, guess I was much more reserved, when he asked about moving in together and asked ”if I go down by one knee…do you think you would say yes..” I said it’s too early, he said it’s worth mentioning he’s never asked anyone else about moving in and etc.
Till the end of the 4th month, everything was perfect, the sex was good too. Then he got sick and was really stressful at work, but he didn’t tell me the details, he just didn’t talk to me in that week as much as before. I got really worried after he didn’t return any of my calls for 5 days, so I went to his apartment and found he didn’t go to work becaus his car was there and he was home, but he just didn’t open the door for me. I knew he doesn’t want me to see him being sick, he is that kind of metrosexual guys who care about their images alot lol. But I was really worried and frustrated after 5 days of no contact at all, so I waited at his door for about one hour and kept texting and calling…….I admitted to him that I lost my cool and didn’t handle the situation well. But he just completely withdrew himeself after that, and he changed his facebook status back to single and unfriended me. I think that’s a really demeaning way to breakup with someone. We are both mature adults here, we know at the end of a relationship you should breakup in person, especially after all those talks about Love and our Future together.
Are those all lies? Is he a liar?
Here’s the thing: He doesn’t treat you well now.
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Everything you described makes me think you’re miserable right now and just hoping he’ll change.
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The reality is that I see no reason he would stop treating you poorly. Currently, he treats you poorly and you are still around. He has “lost respect for you totally” and treats you this way and you put up with it and wish things will somehow improve.
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I hate to be blunt, but I don’t see any reason why things would improve.
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One of the BEST indicators whether you should be in a relationship is HOW YOU FEEL in the relationship (which, again, sounds like you’re miserable).
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The only thing I could imagine changing a situation like this is if you left that guy and opened yourself to new dating possibilities.
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And maybe, if the guy came back and BEGGED you for forgiveness and SHOWED you that he really cares and will never be that way again… then maybe he’ll have changed. Maybe.
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But it sounds to me like you already know that if you just stay in the relationship doing what you’ve always done, you’re going to continue being treated that way. You need to do something dramatically different than what you’re doing now.
i have a boyfriend of 4 years. He was sweet at the beginning and i fell in love with that person. Now he keeps breaking of our relationship, he talks to me very badly whenever i try to connect with him, he has no time for me, he barely call me and text me. i have cried and begged him to treat me better and he would try to for couple days and then he’ll go right back to where he was. whenever he’s with me he behave better sort of but when he’s back home he’s that person who seems never to care at all. we live separately because he teaches in the country and i go to school in the town. He lost respect for me totally.
His he treating me like this because he knows i love him?
Will things get any better?
What else should i do? because it sucks to let all this time and effort that i put in this relationship to go down the drain