Ask a Guy: Why Did He Lose Interest and Stop Texting Me? post image

Ask a Guy: Why Did He Lose Interest and Stop Texting Me?


I met a guy two weeks ago and we instantly hit it off. We talked on the phone and texted regularly and went out on a few amazing dates. Everything seemed to be going well but then he had to go out of the country for a business trip.

I didn’t expect to hear from him while he was away, but he’s been back for three days now and I haven’t heard a peep!

If he wasn’t interested why not just tell me instead of pulling a vanishing act? This isn’t the first time I dated a guy and things were going great and then he fell off the face of the earth and I can’t for the life of me figure out why. I am a confident, non-needy woman, I didn’t place any expectations or demands on this newest guy.

I just don’t understand, what happened, what changed? How could he go from being so interested in me to gone? And do you think it’s worth it for me to send him a friendly text to see how he responds?

Okay, three things before I dive into this:

– Stop assuming he was so into you
– Stop assuming that he’s not interested in you now
– Stop thinking you have any idea what he feels because you don’t, and you won’t… if you accept that, you’ll be in a better spot

What you need to realize is what you do doesn’t matter, what matters is where your head is at.  It really doesn’t matter if you text him or not. As with most relationship problems, you have to get to the heart of the matter and look at the underlying issues within yourself that are leading you to this unhealthy place.

For one, you need to stop plotting and “strategizing” ways to control something that will never ever ever be in your control. What you’re doing now, the worrying and the stressing, has no positive benefit, none. It just drains your energy and will likely create problems for no reason.

Maybe something happened on his trip that caused him to change his mind about you. Or maybe nothing happened and you’ll hear from him later today. It’s not in your control and it never was.

People in good relationships don’t treat their relationships like some sort of chess game. The reason they’re in good relationships is because they don’t do that.

Most women mess themselves up because they look at the guy’s behavior in a specific instance and freak out about it. This causes them to give off a bad vibe and that bad vibe spreads to him and derails the relationship.

MORE: 5 Ways to Ruin a Relationship

The way to go is have the attitude of “I’m having fun, we’ll see where this goes” and take it as it comes.

You can get on the same page later on in the relationship, but first you need something stable and consistent. When you don’t know how he feels about you, that’s exactly the best time not to care. When you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, how he feels about you… then care all you want.

You are exactly where you are. Worrying or wondering or caring about whether or not you’re on the same page doesn’t help… it’s only going to lead you to a bad place so if it’s your habit to “care,” you need to break that habit

Instead of investing time into the worrying, invest time into focusing on how destructive the care is.

A lot of women have this mentality that leads them to a place where they walk on eggshells and they mistakenly think that figuring out a man’s exact intentions will give them a sense of stability. It won’t.

Instead, I think a useful exercise for you would be to start journaling when your brain starts to set on fire with worries. Take it from me, my mind is brutal when I’m upset or worried about stuff, and journaling helps me.

Also, focus specifically on what thoughts, ideas, and perspectives lead you to feeling like you’re walking on eggshells or worried about things falling apart or changing. Journal about what leads you to this pattern of worrying and landing in disappointment… trace the thoughts back to their root.

A question to ask yourself when your having the negative thoughts is: what is the lack or loss I’m afraid will happen here? (and if another fear of losing comes up from their, ask the same question to that)

You (and most women who come to me with their relationship questions) want someone to hand you a key… and that just will never happen, it doesn’t work like that.  Actively journaling and tracing back the thoughts is that “key.”

When you don’t identify the root of your thoughts and allow yourself to engage with them, they just cycle and spiral upwards. When you journal in real time as its happening, you dissolve them and they won’t gain power. Instead of landing you in a bad place, you’ll get clarity and insight. And more importantly, it will turn a potentially bad vibe into an attractive vibe

The problem is your mind has you convinced that your emotional detective line of thinking has a pay-off, as if you could possibly know what’s going on in his head/world. You can’t…it’s really that simple.

You can’t understand and “read” things that aren’t possible. You can’t read minds. You can’t make non-compatible compatible. You can’t make a guy who doesn’t want a relationship want one. You can’t really “do” anything. If you’re seeing a guy and then he begins to fade away or vanish, you need to realize there was nothing more you could have done.

MORE: Why Guys Disappear and How to Deal

You have to look at relationships like this: … (continued – Click to keep reading Ask a Guy: Why Did He Lose Interest and Stop Texting Me?)

18 comments… add one

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Rachel

I am really concerned and could do with some advice. Iv been chatting to an online man for approximately 4 months . we are meeting this friday for the first time . i do have a flu virus at the moment and have been very unwell and he seems annoyed that i wont be able to perform sexually and keeps on talking about stockings and suspenders and sex sex sex . im very very worried. What do i do . i can sense shifts of change in his texting towards me. They are not as loving and it feels as tho he doesnt want yo engage with me as much. Is this guy interested in me for sex or for me as the person who i am. He keeps going on and on and on about the physical .

Reply May 9, 2016, 11:23 am

Maria

So in short, it’s always the woman’s fault no matter what… 🙁

Reply February 9, 2016, 5:37 pm

Eric Charles

No… if you’re thinking in terms of who to blame, then you’re on the wrong track to begin with.

It’s not about who’s “fault” anything is… it’s about what do you want to have happen and where do you have control.

You don’t have ultimate control over another person’s actions, reactions and emotions. You have ultimate control over your actions, reactions and emotions though.

So I speak to where you have control. Where you have control is where you can make change happen.

If you want a different result, something’s got to change… and since you only have control over yourself, that’s what I speak to.

If you think something is the guy’s fault… why are you with him? If he’s not what you want, why are you trying to force it to work? Nobody’s forcing you to be in a relationship with this guy. If you choose to keep participating in the relationship, then you certainly do carry responsibility for that…

Reply February 9, 2016, 5:44 pm

Mei

hi! i think this is a really good article but it kinds of contradicts some of the other posts… Like… why bother reading the other articles if theres nothing you could actually do about anything?

Reply October 13, 2015, 9:15 pm

Eric Charles

Step one is always recognize that ultimately you cannot control another person’s emotions, actions and reactions. Only yours.

That said, your mood has a powerful influence on how attracted the other person is to you… so when it comes to answers like these, I’m always trying to bring the perspective around from a place where you have no power to a place where you do.

There’s no contradiction if you can see it from that perspective.

Reply October 14, 2015, 9:18 pm

AnnM Suma

This is my own story. I met a guy online we talked about two weeks we decided to go on a date went well by the end of the date we ended up making love I thought we have chemistry together wake up in his house the morning but then I had to mix feeling was not sure if I have too much to drink or what so I left after today he did not call or text me the following day I sent him a friendly text hi how are you he responded saying he was busy at work and all that but he will get back to me so the day goes by he did not text I did not bother him the next day he called me asking me what was I doing he wants to go out so he came and pick me up we went out get some to eat when sober have a drink but I guess I had too much to drink by the time I got to his place I was not feeling okay so I had to throw up in his bathroom I was sitting there on the floor I can remember he was there trying to offer me help I only found myself lying in the bathroom in the morning while he was in his room sleeping then he came outside talking about I he can’t believe that I spend the night in the bathroom I was like are you serious you left me in the bathroom how could you treat me this way but I was so upset I just went downstairs get dress and told him to drop me home while in the car he told me he’s getting late for work so he can drop me home I should take a cab so I took a Koddah since then he have not called me and me too decided not to contact him can’t elieve

Reply September 5, 2015, 5:57 pm

AnnM Suma

This is my own story I met a guy online we talked about two weeks we decided to go on a date date went well by the end of the date we ended up making love I thought we have chemistry together wake up in his house the morning but then I had to mix feeling was not sure if I have too much to drink or what so I left after today he did not call or text me the following day I sent him a friendly text hi how are you he responded saying he was busy at work and all that but he will get back to me so the day goes by he did not text I did not bother him the next day he called me asking me what was I doing he wants to go out so he came and pick me up we went out get some to eat when sober have a drink but I guess I had too much to drink by the time I got to his place I was not feeling okay so I had to throw up in his bathroom I was sitting there on the floor I can remember he was there trying to offer me help I only found myself lying in the bathroom in the morning while he was in his room sleeping then he came outside talking about I can’t believe

Reply September 5, 2015, 5:51 pm

Blair

So I have an almost similar dilemma. I met a guy online and we hit it off and have been on 4 dates already. All went well, we clearly are attracted to one another and he has shown all signs of interest in me including holding my hand, kissing, etc. We haven’t had sex yet as I’m not the type to have sex with just anyone and he has’clearly shown respect towards that. He just left for a 3 week trip to Mexico as a teach assistant for a university. Before his trip he had shown interest in furthering our dating into a relationship and we have talked about taking it slow. He even told me straight up that he wants to be exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend with me. He’s 30, well established with his career and he doesn’t seem like the type to play games and he knows he wants a relationship that will continue towards marriage. Although I’m skeptical on if he is truly interested in me. I live an hour away in another city and he planned on coming to visit me before he left but the day of he never showed up or called. I texted him the day he left to have fun in Mexico and he never texted back. He hasn’t contacted me for a couple of days and I’m not sure if I should move on or wait for him to come back to see if he will contact me. I don’t want to waste my time and I know I’m a little impatient when it comes to someone contacting me or showing interest. My theory is that if he is truly interested in me, he would have called me or texted me. Should I call or text him? I don’t want to seem needy and push him away.
Any advice would be helpful?

Reply June 12, 2015, 7:54 pm

kiki

well, the ending is unsatisfying – when you want to get to the root of the cause you may also think about what you have done to put him off (eg. unnecessary lying, being selfcentered. etc.). yet, not every time he vapourises it is your fault, of course

Reply January 20, 2015, 6:50 am

liz

Thank you so much Eric! This article really helped me open my yes about how I was dealing with relationships. I just got out of a four month relationship because he said he didn’t want a commitment. I wasn’t asking for one but I think my negativity made him get distant.

Reply January 11, 2015, 11:31 pm

may

Hi, good article and i’ve read some other articles of yours too. I think most if not all, are explaining why guys do not text girls back. Your articles explain that guys are busy, don’t take texting seriously etc. My curiosity now is, how do you find out when the guy is finally no longer interested in the girl? What i want to know is, when do you know that his lack of texting is not due to the reasons u mentioned?

Reply August 25, 2014, 9:33 am

Chi

Hi! So here is my story. Ive been dating this guy for 6mos. I can say that we hit it off quickly. Had intimate times together. He once told me that Im his woman but we never talked about exclusivity. We re just happy being together and in what we have.

He’s on vacation right now. Out of country, we have 8hrs time difference. (Family Visit, his home town) Before he left, he told me that he’ll be gone for one month only, but its been 5days, after 1 month, i don’t even know if he is back or not. ( while he is away, he never text me. Im the one who initiate a very simple text like ‘ I miss you’ and he will quickly reply that he misses me too and I don’t make the conversation any longer cuz i don’t want to eat his mind while on vacation. I did that 3 times, never he started texting me, its always me.) so i stopped. Till now, never hear anything from him. (History: he went for a 1 week vacation before, (family visit but not his home town) its out of country also but in the same continent, that time, he always text me. As in everyday we keep on texting, sending picture and sharing his experience there and when he get back, he picked me up right away because he misses me a lot). And i felt how excited he was during that time.

Confusing part. How will i react once he get back? Im starting to lose faith on us. I feel like something changed when he got the chance to visit his hometown. I just need some advice. Thanks.

Reply August 8, 2014, 5:59 pm

natalie

I have a question. I’ve been going with flow and just having fun with this guy for a month or two now. We went on two official dates, have hung out a bunch of weekends, text and talk all the time consistently, hooked up, and I’ve met his friends. Then recently after texting nearly every other day or so, he didn’t text me for two weeks, no contact. Yesterday he finally texted me again. What should I do? I have no idea what to make of that, or think about someone being so wishy washy with me. Did he decide he wasn’t into me and then get bored and text me again? Should I give him the time of day?

Reply June 27, 2014, 12:38 pm

Krista

Eric, I have a question though. I’ve been dating this guy for 3 months. Everything has been great up until the last few days. I last saw him on Monday morning after staying over at his place. We kissed goodybye and said have a good day. I didn’t speak with him the rest of Monday and Tuesday. Sent him a text Wednesday and asking him if he wanted to join me and some friends for dinner. He said no he was really tired but some other night. We have not spent anytime together since spending this past weekend together and he has not initiated any conversation with me. This is driving me crazy to the point that I eat like one meal a day and not sleep well through the night. My stomach is in knots and I’m a nervous wreck. Don’t I have a right to know why it went from 60 to 0 in the last few days?

Reply June 26, 2014, 8:21 pm

Meghan

Exactly what I needed to read right now…

Reply April 29, 2014, 6:06 pm

Claire

Eric, I’ve read several of your articles now and this stands out as one of the best. I absolutely agree with your journalling technique and a friend who is a psychotherapist suggested this to me a week ago! I started making a list of my ‘unhelpful thoughts’ then because I didn’t want to totally dwell on the negativity I started also writing a list of ‘helpful thoughts’ which came to mind when I identified the unhelpful ones. This is really helping me develop insight and a more positive mental attitude regarding my relationships. 🙂

Reply April 23, 2014, 7:55 am

Eric Charles

Oh cool – thanks a lot Claire, I appreciate that. And yeah, I’ve done some journaling myself even when I’ve needed to get my head right… so by all means, do it. 🙂

Reply April 24, 2014, 8:35 pm

Kelsie

Wow, great article! Thanks so much Eric, this makes so much sense.

Reply April 6, 2014, 12:05 pm

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