Ask a Guy: When a Guy Never Calls… post image

Ask a Guy: When a Guy Never Calls…



I met a really cute guy at a bar last weekend- we were both a little drunk and ended up making out a bit. I really felt a spark with him and he seemed really into me but I never heard from him! This isn’t the first time something like this has happened either, what’s the deal?

Read our guy’s response after the jump!

OK – let me say a few things right off the top.

First, about bars. Now, I’ve met women in bars before, I’m not against bars as a social environment. I’ve even worked in bars. It’s fun, but you have to remember that bars are an escape for people – it’s a chance to get out of your regular life and routine.

When someone is at a bar, they are not how they are in regular, day-to-day life. This applies to men and women. It might be out of defensiveness, it might be out of cutting loose or it might be out of wanting to lose themselves in the moment. Whatever the reason, you can’t really judge someone when they’re in “bar-mode”.

Then you throw alcohol into the equation and any semblance of judgment, perception and reason is out the window.

Again, I am not saying don’t go to bars or don’t meet people in bars. I am recommending that if you meet someone in a bar, don’t read anything into it or invest anything in it until you’ve truly had a chance to be around this person outside.

When you tell me that you made out with a guy and that you felt a spark, that definitely tells me how interested you were, but it doesn’t necessarily mean he saw it as anything more than fun in the moment.

I can tell you that there are many reasons a guy might not call the next day after meeting him at a bar. Believe it or not, it has nothing to do with whether or not you made out with him.

It has to do with the impression you left on him. Sure, you could have thought he was great, but how much space did you give him to think that you were great?

Now you ask: What does that mean… giving him space to think I’m great?

What I mean is… did you give him a chance to reach for you?

As a general rule, the more you pursue someone, the more you become invested in them. The more you let them pursue you, the more that they become invested in you.

In situations where one person likes the other (and I’ve seen this apply with guys and girls), one person will have the thought, “Oh my god, this guy/girl is great. I like this one – I’m going to work to get him/her.” And as a result, they do all the pursuing to try to “lock it in”.

The result is that the other person gets an ego-boost, but does not have any investment in the other person.

In a nutshell, although it seems counter-intuitive, the best way to lock in a guy is to give him opportunities to pursue you. I am not saying throw yourself at him… I’m saying give him enough challenge to make him have to put on his A-game, but make sure he also can feel that he definitely has a shot with you.

How can a girl do this? Well, I would say think about the situation differently and the right actions, behaviors and attitude will follow. Specifically, I think that men and women (at least in America) seem to have a complex about different issues. In this case, the fear is that he won’t call. When I see a girl who is afraid that a guy won’t call her back, the following situation usually happens: 1) girl is afraid of the guy not calling her, 2) girl (because of her fear) does a lot of things to ensure that the guy will call back, 3) as a result of “doing things to make sure he calls back”, she comes across as needy and coming on to strong, 4) guy gets weirded out and doesn’t call because he gets a bad vibe from the girl.

At the heart of it, I would say DUMP your fear of the guy not calling you and live entirely in the moment as if it were your last day on Earth. OK, that sounds a little silly, but seriously… Make the moment itself a great moment by just enjoying it for what it is in the moment – stop worrying about the future… it will drive you crazy and craziness leads to crazy actions.

On another note, I hate to say something cliché like this, but guys do like the chase… that is, in the end, we like the girls that we have to work for. But the deeper insight on it has nothing to do with judging a woman as loose or slutty. It has to do with giving a guy time to invest in liking you.

With me, this has happened very quickly for some girls and for others it took time. It’s a personality/chemistry thing… But at the root of the matter, the girls that engaged me in all sorts of ways… the ones I had to pursue… those were the women that always meant the most to me in the long run.

How did they engage me? They were challenging. They asked questions that made me think. They looked deeper into me and saw things beyond the superficial. They put me on the spot. I am not saying they were unpleasant or disagreeable, but they weren’t sugarcoated or completely agreeable either – they were open and nice, but they weren’t trying to impress me. They would become engaged in the interaction only as far as I was – all in all, they did not make it easy for me.

Easy is boring… easy is what notches on a bedpost are for. There is no fulfillment to it. Fulfillment comes from bringing my best to the table because the woman will settle for nothing less.

Now, if the girl had tried specifically to make it hard for me (playing hard to get), I would not have been into that. I would have not pursued her. There’s a difference between playing hard to get and not making things easy. Rather than just spell it out, I invite you to contemplate that difference for a moment – that is where your answer is.

Granted, I am talking about the first stages of knowing someone – I don’t condone manipulation to try to achieve this effect and this is just an initial phase anyway. Once he’s pursuing you beyond the first contact, don’t turn a potentially good relationship into an ongoing game of him chasing you… it does not end well, trust me. :)

Anyway, that’s the best answer I can give you based on the information I got from your question: go for getting him to invest in you by giving him opportunities to pursue you.

Hope it helps!

eric charles

{ 16 comments… add one }

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Thaiknee October 9, 2012, 7:07 pm

So what dose it mean when a women tells you she will call you back and dosnt? If I txt her and she responds is that mean that she is interested or not?

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Lisa sue August 14, 2011, 7:13 pm

I’ve come to a point in my life that I want to Love & Be Loved F.Having My best friend as My Lover is exactly the proper words. I’ve been keeping company (primarily in bed ) with my Neighbor for over 4 yrs on & off . He has many Issues like we all do He claims He’ll never allow love inHis Life again Becaue he was destroyed by a relationship Love yrs ago in his life. Now i know he’s a great wonderful man Inside& Out. I’ve been very patient I try to make him feel good emotionallyby telling him he is wanted admired trusted appreciated all compliments to boost his Ego.I know he cares but this is not how it works its supposed to be twosided. He opens his heart & talks to me about everything. I If he doesnt respond to text I feel Disrespected & that hes not interested He said hewould start taking me out & begin to have fun with me Outside bedroom . becuse He obviously feels comfy with me. I cannot handle being used for sex . He doesnt answer my texts Now Any advice ???Should I cut contact & Not text him ever againOr is it Over for good?

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AnnaK July 17, 2011, 8:38 am

Hello Eric,
I dated a guy who would text me but never call me. I asked him once if he was afraid to or something. He called me once. And once or twice when he was coming to pick me up just always texting. We’d go out and have a good time talking in person but when it came to a telephone… nada! I don’t know how he thinks to get to know someone when you don’t call them. I called him once and he answered and we talked but I called him. Next day he texted me asking me out. Like seriously. I’m almost seeing it as insecurity. But is it?????????

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Miss_o1984 May 15, 2012, 11:00 pm

I have this same exact problem! Only we met each other ones on a casual date l. He brought his friend I brought mine. We obviously “like” each other but he never calls me! We always text and even through text his short and concise. So how the hell am I going to get to know him better? Another problem we’re about two hours away from each other. But when we had that first date he asked me about sky-diving that he’d take me etc. I don’t want to confront him as I don’t want to be a “needy girl/desperate” as I am very much aware we are not together and as we only met once, we’re not even close to “dating”. Weird thing he posts our picture on his Facebook. I really don’t know what to do. I want to just give up but I think he’s a great guy. Any advice? Btw, we initially met online. We exchanged messages for two days until he asked for my number. I’m confused and I just want to get to know him deeper :(

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Anais August 22, 2012, 2:08 pm

In my experience guys who are interested will call if you ask them to but I find most will text by default..it’s because most girls allow it now and when you mention the phone, they act like it’s a new invention. lol. It just depends on how you ask…I feel it’s safe to say any guy who sees a it as too much work to talk every now and then can’t be all that serious especially if they started out calling. Personally I like texting but if a man is serious about me he can’t think it’s ok to only text, otherwise I won’t take him seriously and lose interest. But if you keep going along with the texting, he won’t see any reason to change. So this is what I do:

If I see they love to text, I will selectively reply as I don’t have time to sit and text all day. It’s good to use your intuition; not every message is asking for a reply. Then I tell him something flirty like you would love to continue to talk to him but it would feel good to hear his voice later. And when he does call, tell him you’re happy to hear from him. Showing appreciation influences them to want to continue pursuing you. I also set the boundary that I don’t typically reply to messages while at work anymore and wait til later. I figure that should be a privilege for a boyfriend, not just some guy I just met. This is just communicating to the guy that you value your time and telling him he has to SHOW you that he’s into you.

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lovemarie November 28, 2010, 9:56 pm

hey i wanted to ask a question ok ive been messing with this guy for like 5 months now. well we “talked” like beginning of this year, we used to talk to each other like everyday kicked it like here and there but he stopped and started talkin to someone else. but 4 months ago we started txting again decided to have a movie night at his house but we happened to have sex well it was kinda plan we already know “whatever happens happen” but now its been 5 months weve been like sex buddies we barely txt each other only if we want sex.. but i grew feelings a little but i dont know if he feels the same. how do i know if he does or not?

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Anna November 2, 2010, 10:53 pm

@jEnni & E…it also happened to me. We had sex, he was so cute the next day..spend the whole day together. Left, he texted me that night…texted him back (without a question) but no response..not sure if it isn’t better just to leave it like it is right now.

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CC August 11, 2010, 11:50 am

Well my story is a little bit different. I met this guy and he was musclebound hot and cute.
We talked on the phone sexted and eventually became sexbuddys
Then out of the blue he says he wants more from me and he does not want to be used ust for his body. He says I don’t want him I just want sex so of course I told him I liked him.
Within three days he was declaring his love me and why. I did not say it back.
The next day he wanted me to com see him and I was busy so I said no.
He got mad and said he did not wanna see me anymore so I eased his fears and dropped the L bomb.
He was happy and sent a ride for me the next day.
We spent all night together talkin and having amazing sex.
He looked me in my eyes and said I love u and I said it back
He even cooked for me.
He took me in the shower and washed my hair and body oiled me down and we cuddled all night. He told me he never did that for any1 b4.
we hugged and kissed goodbye in the morning and he went to work and I went home.
He texted me i lov u and imma miss u baby.
I know he didn’t get any sleep that night cause we were busy all night so I was not alarmed when he did not text till after he got off work but then he just stopped.
and again yesterday the same thing.
He texts me late at night when I was sleep.
But he builds and retores homes for a living and it can be tiring hard work and he just started a new job too. Maybe he is falling asleep.
I have already pulled back a lil.
I am usually a player but I was thinking about committing to him.
maybe he is not worth my committment and can just stay in the fun category where I put him in the first place. I am built like an hourglass and have a smile that lights up a room. I get hit on constantly and even on the way home from him I got hit on but without thinking I told them I have a boyfriend.
So what does all this mean?
Is he just tired or just tired of me?

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E April 15, 2010, 1:02 pm

I had a similar situation just happen to me recently; however he called me the very next day and wanted to know if I was going out. I wasn’t, so he told me that he would keep in touch. I didn’t really expect him to call and chat or anything but when I sent him a text just to see if there were any good bands playing in the area, I got no response. I understand the reasoning behind letting him chase you, but honestly I think that its just plain rude not to respond to a simple question. I’ll admit that I really sent the text to let him know that I was still interested in doing something because I felt like I may have been a little less enthusiastic than I should have been when we spoke the next day. I just really don’t understand why he would call the next day and then not answer a text a few days later.

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jEnni February 12, 2010, 11:19 pm

hiyee. had the same experience.. ive been single nearly all my life, but i love partyin.. i never gave in, until i was on a trip and I thought this guy is totally different with people you typically meet in pubs..i know it wasnt right to make love that nyt itself, but we ended up doing it. he told me that he will come and visit me, but havent heard from him. Im planning to call him this weekend,( as its been a week), and will just take it from there..i really like him, and i wante to know him more, as I didnt get to stay with him til morning after that nyt, as I have to see some frineds as well…
guys really tend to say so many nice things, but end up leaving u hangin somehow tsk tsk…

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luc April 14, 2009, 9:11 am

I couldn’t agree more and well said. In some way the space that you allow a guy to pursue you gives him the ability to feel like he’s working and thus valuable. I think it also gives us a chance to feel like men and that creates a good relationship foundation. That little bit of work makes us feel good, the same sort of felling when you give a gift that you know someone will really like.

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Eric Charles April 8, 2009, 10:21 pm

@Pam I totally agree with you – thank you for the comment.

@MJ Hey, I mean – it is what it is. Thank you for the compliment. :)

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MJ April 8, 2009, 10:01 pm

I thought your write up was good. Personally, I thought you were pretty nice about. As soon as I saw “bar” and “little drunk” I did a mental head shake and eye roll. If she read her own question with any ounce of common sense the answer would have hit her in the face.

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Pam April 8, 2009, 9:55 pm

I get it= men like to hunt.

but I ask this girl… do you really want to start something w/ the guy you met at the bar when you were a little drunk? don’t be offended, he just might not remember. and YOU have something more to give than that. be challenging, not the cute tipsy chick at the bar- you will tickle someone’s fancy, I guarantee it. :) in the meantime, try being endearing, talk don’t kiss, try meeting someone at a concert, or play, or sporting event, because then you know you have something to TALK about. men remember you when you intrigue them. when they wake up in the middle of the night because they are thinking about you. that’s when you know you’ve planted the seed.

yes, I’m a girl. and I just responded to an “ask the guy” post- however, we’re entitled to have each others back.

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Eric Charles April 8, 2009, 9:20 pm

Hehe, well, then I guess you and I have a different experience of this. :) All the same, I appreciate the comment and here are my thoughts:

What you’re saying does not match my experience or what I’ve seen with other guys in these scenarios… Well, put differently, I would not view a woman who throws herself at me with extremely overt signs of interest as relationship-material or a woman that I could respect (I am always respectful as best I can be; I’m speaking in terms of character.)

What I could see is a girl “hitting the guy over the head with showing interest” and him saying to himself, “great, this is in the bag,” and looking forward to racking up another notch on his belt.

I could also imagine scenarios where a guy has a low self-esteem, he would definitely stick around because she’s validating him. But then, he’s not there for her, he’s there for his own sense of worthiness and validation.

Let me reiterate and clarify a few points I said above: I am NOT saying for women to make a guy chase them. I am saying GIVE A GUY SPACE to pursue her.

Making a guy chase you is manipulation and all guys hate it and are turned off by it (for me, it’s an immediate turn-off – a no-go).

But for a woman to totally be enamored with me without me having to qualify myself to her in any way? Gross, weird, creepy. It sounds nice written out, but it is not.

I feel better when I know that I’ve EARNED a woman’s liking, interest and trust. It is important to me that the woman is discerning – it shows me she has self-esteem.

It works the other way around too – women want to feel that they’ve EARNED a man’s liking and that he didn’t just decide he in love with her because of her spectacular push-up bra. Women know that a discerning man is a high-quality man – a man who has choices.

Even still, the section is called “Ask **A** Guy”. Truth be told, I am one guy and this is my experience and my viewpoint. What I would like to do, eventually, is open this section up to a panel of men, so that we can get a range of opinions on the questions.

In the meantime, this is my break down of dating tips and dynamics. I am always open to a difference of opinion, but my experiences have show this to be the case with myself and hundreds of other men that I’ve worked with (when they eventually started having this experience as well.)

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marty April 8, 2009, 8:25 pm

Bull, if a girl makes me chase her too hard, I figure she is not into me and I’m gone! If she let’s me know that she likes me(hits me over the head with it)then I stick around as long as she wants.

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