Ask a Guy: I Slept With My Best Guy Friend and Now He’s Being Weird post image

Ask a Guy: I Slept With My Best Guy Friend and Now He’s Being Weird


My best guy friend and I were hanging out drinking and ended up having sex. We’ve had sex in the past and have fooled around.

The whole week he had been joking about us getting married if we were both single in 10 years. He says he wants to be friends but it always leads to sex and that night and I ended up sleeping over.

He didn’t contact me the next day and then today he sent me a text telling me he needs space and will contact me when he is ready. So my question is:  What did I do wrong and how do I react?

Something in his head cued a “freak out”.  Something made him “emotional” instead of rational about the situation.

It’s likely you didn’t do anything “wrong”, but regardless, he’s in some kind of emotional space that you are neither responsible for nor do you have control over it.

I would say you should do exactly what he asked for: Give him space – live your life as if he vanished from thin air.  Don’t think about him and if you do, don’t react to your thoughts about him.  Just let it be.

Girls tend to freak out when a guy goes into his “cave” or “shell”.  This compounds the problem.  It usually plays out like this:

1)  Guy, for whatever reason, gets emotionally imbalanced about something.
2)  Guy feels he needs to handle his issue and having you around would make it much harder for him to figure it out.
3)  Guy tells girl he needs space.
4)  Girl gives him space, but then starts thinking about what she did wrong or trying to figure out what happened.
5)  Girl’s thinking quickly becomes tremendous insecurity, fear of abandonment, jealousy, etc.
6)  Girl works herself into such an emotional wreck that she can’t help herself and starts contacting the guy, hoping to receive reassurance, validation, etc.
7)  Guy feels pressured and interrupted, which makes him more emotionally unstable and makes it harder to handle his “issue”.
8)  Guy pulls back further, girl sees that as further confirmation that everything she was fearing is true.
9)  Cycle continues, repeat steps 7, 8 and 9 indefinitely.

So the way that you stay out of that tortuous cycle completely is simple:  DO NOT react to him wanting space.  Just give it to him and let him find his way back to you when it’s time.  He’ll throw you some kind of contact or signal when he’s ready, even if it’s small.

I’m not saying it’s easy, but when you can resist reacting emotionally to things, you have tremendous power to keep things in a good place.

Good luck.

Hope that helps,

eric charles

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John July 17, 2012, 11:53 am

I’m in a similar situation but im the guy, ive been very close friends with this girl for over 10 years who ive always seen as beautiful. She was either with a guy or i with a girl with no overlap in over 10 years, in the past 6 months she has been single and im just coming out of a relationship and we went away together. She constantly talks about other guys she wants to see, but yet we seem to constantly find ourselves in precarious situations. I never saw her as more than a friend but she kept baiting me, e.g. asking me why i have never asked her out, saying i would be lucky to be with her etc. I ended up looking at her completely differently and asked myself why not? we have always got along so well and are extremely close. So whilst away i made a move on her and got KBed i managed immediate the situation but i was left totally confused. When we got back she indirectly mentioned it was because my timing, and after a massive nights drinking she asked me back to her bed, before even kissing her i ended up passing out (yes i know bad) but when i woke up and started to freak out. She means so much to me and i know if i break that barrier, i can go back to friendship, so ive been partly ignoring the whole situation i just want to go back to being friends, but i find myself thinking about her all the time. Im sure i could end up with her but then im unsure if we could survive in a relationship, as both her and i are rather neurotic party animals. I guess what im pointing out, i feel like running away not because i dont want to be with her but because i dont want to risk our relationship.

Signed

The totally confused

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Mackey Taylor October 21, 2010, 9:09 pm

This is real simple. You did or said something that led him to beleive that you might want more than “a little sex here and there”. It weirded him out, and now it is time to “get out before it is too late”. Especially if you sleeping over was the first time that had happened after sex. He senses that the tacit agreement of “casual sex” whenever the time is right (mostly when we are drunk, horny, or in a major slump) might be in jeopardy, and what might be looming around is a more “committed” relationship. In these cases, if this is not what we want, “needing more space” is really our way of getting a head start “in getting the hell out of there”. Sorry, I know how we think.

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babykay April 20, 2012, 10:52 am

so thts what u guys do even when we can bout u and have feeling for u mayb so u just get up and leave us thts fucking nice to do to sum one u could hurt sum ones feelings oh wait i forgot guys don’t care about our feelings they just drop us in a fucking quick min i c hw u all r guys piss me off when they think they can just do tht to us grls what the hell are u guys think we feel to u say u dnt like bitches and shit but thts being a dick

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sweetheart October 18, 2010, 11:28 am

Maybe I’m thinking too much like a girl, because I am one, but could it be that he doesnt’ want to be the one to like her first (more than a friend). Maybe he’s worried that you just want to be friends and he’s getting emotionally attached so he’s giving himself space to work that out. I think they both need to ask themselves if they see more coming out of this relationship and be honest to themselves and eachother.

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