The end of a relationship can stir up a variety of emotions, doubts, and fears. It can have us question our ability to find love again or even our worthiness of love in the first place.
That’s why it can be so hard to let go. We fear that the relationship we had was our one shot at true love. So, we over-analyze things. We put our ex on a pedestal. And sometimes, we hold onto “what-ifs” as an escape from the reality of what’s in front of us. I know; I’ve been there.
The truth is, the only way to get the relationship you want is to let go of the past; put down the shoulda…coulda…wouldas and trust that you have everything you need to generate love in your life in a powerful way. You can only do this, however, if you are willing to drop the stories you’ve created about how things should have happened and open yourself to the possibility of what could be next.
The most important thing is to be honest with yourself first. Are you ready to move on or are you still holding onto something you no longer have? After my last relationship, this was one of the hardest questions for me to answer because I knew I had to face the fact that things were over, and it was time to move on. And fortunately, that realization was exactly what ushered new love into my life.
In order to have the relationship you desire, you must make room in your heart to receive it. When you’re filled up with thoughts, wishes, and fantasies about your last relationship, there’s little space for new love to enter.
If you are not sure if you are still hung up on your ex or if you’re ready to move on, these next 15 signs will definitely help you get clarity.
Top 15 Signs You Aren’t Over Your Ex
Take The Quiz: Can You Get Your Ex Back Or Is He Gone Forever?
1. You try to stage “accidental” run-ins
Maybe you happen to show up at his favorite coffee shop when you know he’d be there. Or, you stage an “accidental” run-in when he’s leaving class. Maybe, you’re planning to attend that party you know he and his friends are going to. Whatever the scenario, you want to see him.
When you are investing that much energy into seeing your ex (i.e. going out of your way to position yourself in his line of sight) consider there may be some things you’ve not come to terms with regarding the end of the relationship.
Even though it makes you feel better in the moment, following your ex around puts you at an emotional disadvantage. It makes it harder for you to move on and get the closure that you need.
2. You are always on the brink of texting him
When you can’t go a day without feeling the urge to text your ex, you’re simply not ready to move on.
No matter what excuses you use to reach out, like…forgetting the name of that Mexican take-out restaurant you tried that one time and both loved or needing to tell him a shirt in his favorite color is on sale, the bottom line is you want to reach out because you don’t feel OK or complete without him.
He’s still on your mind and you feel like if you just text him he’ll remember how great/thoughtful/funny/kind you are and come back. Or maybe you’re still so hung up on him that even the scraps of a few cordial texts here and there are enough to give you what you need.
When these urges consume you, it might be time to take more drastic measures. And deleting his number doesn’t help because you’ve either memorized it or can just contact him on Facebook or Instagram
I am not really big on “rules” when it comes to love and relationships or even life in general for that matter. But, committing to a specified timeframe where you will not contact him under any circumstances (the “no contact rule”) is a great structure to help you get to a better place emotionally and mentally without pining for your ex.
3. You constantly reminisce
If you find yourself constantly lost in daydreams, reminiscing about your ex and activities you both participated in together, you’re definitely not ready to move on.
Reminiscing on the good times is not necessarily a “bad” thing, but using those memories to escape the reality that the relationship is over can keep you stuck and rob you of the ability to find new love.
If thinking about your ex is preventing you from moving on or always making you sad, it might be time to do the soul-searching you need to let go of the past.
4. Literally, everything reminds you of him
You go to a movie and the smell of popcorn reminds you of him. You hear birds chirping and you are reminded of that time you were walking in the park and a bird pooped on his shoulder. You can no longer see the world without your thoughts running to him.
This may be romantic in the movies, but if this is your everyday life, it can be a miserable existence. It may take the joy out of things you once enjoyed because now everything makes you miss him.
It’s so important to take a step back and begin to heal the parts of you that are still wounded by the ending of the relationship. It might mean removing the things that remind you of him the most from your life or staying away from places that you frequented together. Whatever it takes. Your peace of mind is important.
5. You fantasize about things working out
You can see it now…your ex shows up at your door, begging (on bended knee) for your forgiveness, pleading with you to take him back. With tears in your eyes, you accept his apology and you both embrace … after what seems like a lifetime in each other’s arms … you both walk off into the sunset hand in hand ready to live happily ever after.
Maybe I’ve watched one too many cheesy romantic comedies, but the fantasies that our mind come up with are not always far off.
If you find yourself daydreaming about what it would be like to get back together with an ex, then you’re obviously not over him.
The thing is, it’s so easy to get caught up in our own fantasies of how things should be. But, fantasies are just that – fantasies. When we put energy, mental or otherwise, into having fantasies play out in reality, we set ourselves up for pain and disappointment.
Accepting the reality that the relationship is over doesn’t mean that you are ruling out the possibility of things working out in the future, it just means you are giving yourself the freedom to find joy in the present with things just the way they are now.
6. You stalk him on social media
It’s quite normal to want to check in on your ex from time to time to see what he’s up to, but when you’re not truly over him this can easily cross the line to obsession.
You may find yourself monitoring everything –what he posts, who he’s with, who “likes” his pictures and updates, and which girls he’s following. You may feel gutted when a girl likes or comments on his posts, and the immediately proceed to stalk her as well to try and piece together what, if anything, is going on between the two of them.
Just like the accidental run-in, stalking his social pages is a trap, forcing you deeper and deeper into the past, and rendering you unable to truly let go.
Avoiding his Facebook and or Instagram pages or even unfriending or blocking him if you have to might be the only way to really make sure that you take the time to get over him.
7. You don’t shut up about him
You try really hard not to talk about him, you make a vow, you promise yourself, but you just can’t help it. At first, your friends were understanding, but it’s getting to be too much for even your best gal pals to handle. You even disgust yourself with how much you talk about him.
But you just can’t stop yourself.
If you are talking about him constantly, that means you’re thinking about him constantly.
The only way to stop constantly talking about him is to fill yourself up. Begin to do the things you love. Find a new hobby. Meet some new friends. Do anything that gives you joy and will fill you up so that you don’t have the capacity to think or talk about your ex.
8. No other guy can measure up
It’s human nature to look for similarities and differences in people and situations. And while it can be normal to compare new guys in your life to your ex, using your ex as a benchmark for all other guys to measure up to is a recipe for disappointment and a clear sign that you are not over him.
Part of the reason it’s so hard to get over him is you obsessively think about all his good qualities. You build your ex up to an impossibly high standard in your mind that no man can measure up to, not even your ex himself!
If you want to get over him, get present to all the things that didn’t work in the relationship and get excited to discover all the great things a new relationship can bring into your life.
9. When you see him, you get a rush
If you do happen to run into your ex, you can’t hold it together. You feel a rush of excitement and eagerness. Your knees shake, your stomach drops, you feel flushed and almost dizzy. Being in his vicinity is literally intoxicating.
If you talk to him your voice raises a few octaves, you giggle incessently and feel nervous.
You also feel a desperate urge to be close to him, to touch him, you literally ache for him.
If any of that happens to you when you run unto your ex, you’re definitely not over him.
10. You can’t get rid of pictures and souvenirs
Being extremely protective and sentimental over any gifts he’s given you, or relationship souvenirs, is definitely a telltale sign that you’re not over your ex.
If relationship trinkets are still being displayed in your house or apartment and you find yourself still looking at old pictures of the two of you in happier times, it might be time to do some cleaning.
The reality is every time you look at a picture or relationship souvenirs, you’re delaying the moment when you can let him go… and you’re triggering a flood of new emotions for him that are only going to stand in your way from moving forward.
11. Fun nights out end in drunk tears
Sometimes you just want to get out of the house and have a little fun with your girls right after a breakup. You want to prove to yourself you are over it, and that you are ready to move on. But, when your attempts at a fun night out with friends regularly turn into therapy sessions where you are drunk and crying on a friend’s shoulder about your ex. Or ends with you texting him about his sexy body or leaving weepy messages on his voicemail after only a couple of margaritas, it’s clear you still have feelings for your ex.
Using fun and partying as a distraction only works for a little while. Sooner or later your true feelings come out. Don’t bury your feelings. Face them head-on. Process whatever is going on so you can be free.
12. You have zero interest in other great guys who show interest in you
There’s a room full of hot guys and you don’t look up once. You don’t even get excited when an insanely hot guy checks you out from across the room, not even a flutter.
If the prospect of starting a relationship with a new handsome guy doesn’t excite you in the slightest, you’re definitely not over your ex.
If the break-up is fresh, not having eyes for someone new is quite normal. But, if it’s been months since your relationship ended, it might be time to begin to allow yourself to be open to love once again.
13. You send him “subtle” messages
In the 21st century, the subliminal post on social media has become the passive-aggressive committee’s most used weapon. If you are still pining for an ex, it might also be something you are tempted to do. Maybe you are clever with it. You only post quotes about love lost and longing. Maybe you post about how amazing and incredible your life is. Or maybe you try to make him jealous by posting pictures of you with other guys.
Whatever you do, it’s clearly just a ploy to get a reaction out of him and make him miss you. It’s obvious to anyone looking that you’re still harboring feelings for your ex.
If this is you, stepping away from social media for a while might be a good idea. It will give you the time you need to clear your mind and keep you away from those “relationship goals” pictures people post as well.
14. You swear up and down that you’re over it
If you feel the need to constantly convince your friends that you are really really over your ex, chances are you are trying to convince yourself rather than your friends.
Confident people don’t have to shout from the mountaintop. They know their truth and are unbothered by the opinions of others.
If you feel the need to justify yourself, you might still have doubts yourself.
15. It hurts
No matter what you try, the pain is still there, you can’t shake it, you feel it whenever you think of him. You may run from it or suppress it, but you know it’s there.
If it still hurts to think about your ex, give yourself the time you need to properly grieve for the end of the relationship. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself first. Surround yourself with a strong support system.
Feeling bad isn’t necessarily a bad thing, in fact, it can be the path toward healing. Sometimes the best way to truly get over a break-up to fully experience the loss and see that you are still ok on the other side of it.
Break-ups generally don’t just happen. Relationships break down over weeks and months and often when it officially ends, it’s been emotionally over well before that. That means the relationship with your ex was not working. Now is your chance to move on to something that will work. The good news is you get to take all the experiences and lessons of your previous relationship to your future romance. The ending of one thing is usually the beginning of something new. Instead of focusing on what you lost, become excited at the idea you will be gaining something new.
If you take the time to heal yourself and fully let go of the past, nothing but great things are available to you in the future.
Take The Quiz: Can You Get Your Ex Back Or Is He Gone Forever?
These Are The Signs You’re Not Over Your Ex:
- You try to stage “accidental” run-ins
- You are always on the brink of texting him
- You constantly reminisce
- Literally, everything reminds you of him
- You fantasize about things working out
- You stalk him on social media
- You don’t shut up about him
- No other guy can measure up
- When you see him, you get a rush
- You can’t get rid of pictures and souvenirs
- Fun nights out end in drunk tears
- You have zero interest in other great guys who show interest in you
- You send him “subtle” messages
- You swear up and down that you’re over it
- It hurts