It’s hard to admit when a guy isn’t serious about you, especially when you really like him. Usually, you’ll feel it in your gut but you’ll avoid facing it. When you’re hopeful about things it’s just easier to make excuses for his behavior and focus on any shred of evidence that he likes you enough to take it to the next level.
The thing is, he can like you but not want to be in a serious relationship with you. This is why so many women get confused. Just because he wants to spend time with you … he keeps asking you out … he stays in touch and sends you sweet texts every day … this doesn’t mean he’s serious about you. These things mean he’s into you, but they don’t necessarily mean he sees a long-term future with you.
The only way you can tell if he’s serious or not is to be objective when it comes to your love life. This is a tough skill to learn, but it’s very important and can save you from endless heartache.
Being objective means being a bit removed from the situation, mentally and emotionally. You have to be able to think about the real relationship that’s right there in front of you, not the fantasy relationship you’re hoping for. This means not getting overly invested in a guy before he’s totally invested in you.
Part of being objective is paying attention to the signs that he’s not serious about you. Don’t constantly be on the lookout for them—that creates a negative mindset—just be aware of what they are and know that if you see them it’s a red flag because it means he’s not serious about you.
These Signs Mean He’s Not Serious About You:
1. You’re not a priority to him
You get bumped for work or friends or family … there always seems to be something more important than you. When you’re not a priority and he’s not serious about you, he’s not going to feel too bad about keeping you at the bottom of the list.
If you suggest getting together for something specific and he says he has to wait to see what’s going on with a friend who’s not getting back to him, that’s a bad sign. When he does this it shows that you’re not a priority, you’re an option.
A man who’s serious about you will make you a priority. That doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll always come first, because that’s an unreasonable expectation. But you will be in the top spot most of the time, barring something really important that needs his attention.
2. He doesn’t want to know your “story”
When we like someone, we want to know their story from front to back, every scar, every triumph, every tragedy. We can’t get enough and want to know it all. If he looks away when you tell him your stories or seems uninterested, like he’s waiting for you to finish, it’s a bad sign.
When a man likes you, he likes learning about you. He’ll ask questions and remember the things you’ve told him. If he’s seriously interested in you, he’ll be interested in a possible future with you, so naturally, he’ll want to know all about you. After all, he’ll want to know exactly what’s in store!
3. He bails on you … often
Things come up sometimes, it happens. But how often is it happening?
If he cancels your plans a lot, it shows that he isn’t concerned with your feelings and he isn’t worried about messing things up and losing you.
A man who’s serious about you will not only want to spend time with you (so he won’t cancel, to begin with) he’ll treat you with respect. That means he won’t waste your time by agreeing to spend it with you, then bailing.
A guy who’s serious about you isn’t going to cancel on you when something “better” comes up, and even if he’s busy with work he’ll be sure to make time for you, or at the very least let you know he’s thinking about you. If he has to cancel on you for some reason, he’ll feel really bad about it, apologize, and try to reschedule right away.
4. He doesn’t open up to you
If he doesn’t let you into his inner world and share himself with you—especially his hopes and dreams and ambitions—then you’re basically like everyone else in his life except that you have a physical relationship.
When a guy cares about a woman, he will open up to her and show his true self. This means more than being intimate to a guy.
If you feel like you’re always trying to drag answers out of him about his past, his family and friends, his day-to-day life, all to no avail, then he’s not serious. If he gives you jokey vague answers when you try to learn his story, or changes the subject, it’s his way of keeping things casual.
When a guy is serious about you, he’ll not only want to hear your story, he’ll want to share his.
5. He doesn’t make future plans with you/avoids talking about the future
If he rarely talks about the future in general, or doesn’t even make plans for the future with you, he’s letting you know he doesn’t see one with you.
This isn’t just for the distant future, it’s for the near future as well.
If he’s always booking dates last minute, it means he doesn’t see you as a priority, doesn’t need to protect his time with you, and basically sees the relationship as a day-by-day thing and can end it at any time.
If on the other hand, he’s buying tickets for things months down the line or planning vacations with you, it usually means he’s not planning on going anywhere.
6. He doesn’t want to make it “official”
This is a major area that trips women up. A man says he doesn’t want to be in an official relationship, but she hangs around hoping he’ll change his mind.
This is very simple: when a guy says he doesn’t want to be in a relationship, believe him. If he doesn’t want to be official, it means he’s okay walking away and okay with another man sweeping you off your feet.
Maybe he gives you just enough hope to hang onto—he likes you somewhat after all, enough to spend time with you. But he doesn’t like you enough to lock you down and make it official.
If he won’t call you his girlfriend, he’s not serious about you, plain and simple.
7. He’s not there for you
You just got laid off and he says “I’m sorry, that sucks” and leaves it at that. You get sick, and he doesn’t ask if he can bring you anything, or do anything for you. You tell him you really need help installing your new AC unit and he tells you to call a handyman.
The bottom line is he doesn’t support you—not emotionally when you’re dealing with tough stuff, and not when you need help with the more practical things in life. This means he’s not investing in you. He’s there for some fun, but that’s it.
Another way he’s not there for you is that he can’t make it to your important events, like birthday parties and work functions. These types of events are couple things, and if he’s not serious about you he’s not going to want to play that role.
If he’s not there to support you physically or emotionally, he’s not serious about you. Basically, when the going gets tough … he is nowhere to be found.
8. He’s in and out of the relationship
If he goes hot and cold, seeming really into you some of the time but then disappearing for days at a time, he’s treating you casually because the relationship is casual to him.
A lot of women think a man being hot and cold is a mixed message, but it’s not. It’s one very clear message: he’s not sure how he feels about you, he’s not worried about losing you, and he’s definitely not serious about you.
It’s terrible to have a guy go hot and cold because the hot feels so good and the cold is so devastating. It can end up becoming a cycle that you get used to and can’t bring yourself to shut down because you’re always waiting for it to get better again … but you feel bad all the time, even when things are “good,” because you know it won’t last.
If he’s hot and cold it’s because he’s not sure about you, and if he’s not sure about you he’s not serious about you.
9. He won’t delete his dating apps
It doesn’t matter if he tells you he “never checks them,” the fact that he won’t part with them means he wants to leave the door open for other possibilities. This is because he’s not totally sure about you.
When a man is serious about you, he’s going to stop thinking about other options because he’s found a woman who has captivated his full attention. A man who’s determined to keep his dating apps has one foot out the door.
If you’ve asked him to delete them and he won’t, you know where you stand. He may still want to spend time with you or have sex with you, but he doesn’t care enough about your feelings to delete the apps for you. He’s keeping his options open and he’s okay with you knowing it. This doesn’t make him a bad person. It makes him a man who is not serious about you.
10. You can’t be your true selves
The best part of being in a relationship is that you can just be. If you feel like you have something to prove or like you have to work to be good enough for him, or if you have to hide parts of yourself from him in order to be comfortable, or if you get the vibe that he is holding back like this himself, then the relationship can’t progress because you can’t truly be intimate with one another.
Relationships grow from intimacy, from partners being vulnerable and open with each other.
It’s only when a guy is unsure of you that you feel like you have to measure everything you say and do—like you can’t just express your thoughts but instead have to filter them in order to make them align with what you think he wants to hear. When this is happening, you try to mold yourself into the kind of woman you think he wants.
When you sense this kind of dynamic taking place, it’s likely because you sense he isn’t all in. For the relationship to grow and become serious, you both have to be comfortable being your true selves.
11. He won’t introduce you to friends or family
One of the biggest signs a guy is serious is when he brings his girl into the fold. He does this because he wants to immerse her in his life. He cares about her and sees a possible future with her, and that means he wants her to have relationships with the people closest to him.
If a guy isn’t serious about you, he has no reason to introduce you to the people he cares about most. He won’t care whether or not you get along, or want you to be part of his story, creating memories with his crowd.
If he doesn’t know if you’ll be around in a few months, he might not even mention you to family and friends, the first step to bringing you into the fold.
If it feels like he’s hiding you from friends and family and he’s reluctant to introduce you or share that part of his life with you, then he’s not serious about you.
12. He straight up tells you he’s not looking for anything serious
Men are very literal creatures. If he is respectful enough to be direct and spell it out for you, telling you quite literally that he’s not looking for anything serious, take it literally!
He might say this in any number of ways. Maybe that now isn’t a good time … I don’t want a serious relationship right now .. I can’t give you what you want or deserve … any variation of these classic lines means he’s not interested in something serious.
Maybe that means he doesn’t want a serious relationship at all or maybe it means he doesn’t want one with you. Either way, you can’t talk a man into a relationship. Take him at his word and don’t wait around for him to change his mind.
MORE: Signs He’s Not For Real
13. You feel it in your gut
When a guy likes you, it’s obvious! You know and everyone around you knows. And when a guy really, really likes you, he’s going to want to ensure he has a chance at something serious with you.
Even if he’s not ready to jump into something very serious like getting engaged, he’s not going to burn bridges and lose his shot by displaying these signs, things like not making you a priority, canceling your dates, or not making things official.
When he doesn’t like you enough for a serious relationship, it’s always obvious, too … the signs are clear, it’s just not as easy to admit.
So, remain objective by taking the relationship for what it is right now, not what you want it to be. If you see these 13 signs it means he’s not serious about you, and you wanting it to be otherwise isn’t going to change that.
The good news is that once you learn to recognize what your guy has to offer, whether that’s something serious or something casual, you will be free. Free to decide for yourself whether or not what he’s offering is good enough for you.
If he wants casual and you’re ready for something serious, you can move on and find someone who wants the same things as you instead of wasting years of your life in a dead-end relationship.
When a guy shows these 13 signs, he’s wrong for you, and that means you can move on and find yourself the guy who’s right.
11 Major Signs He’s Not Serious About You:
- You’re not a priority to him
- He doesn’t want to know your “story”
- He bails on you… often
- He doesn’t open up to you
- He doesn’t make future plans with you/ avoids talking about the future
- He doesn’t want to make it “official”
- He’s not there for you
- He’s in and out of the relationship
- He won’t delete his dating apps
- You can’t be your true selves
- He won’t introduce you to friends or family
- He tells you he’s not looking for anything serious
- You feel it in your gut