The Number One Reason Men Suddenly Lose Interest post image

The Number One Reason Men Suddenly Lose Interest


Here is a situation many women have experienced. You meet a guy and feel the proverbial spark. Numbers are exchanged, flirty texting ensues, and eventually you go on a date…and it’s amazing!

The chemistry is strong, you connect, you have fun. You go out again and it’s another ace in the hole. Now you start to get really excited…could this be it? Maybe you hang out a few more times, but then something changes. Either you notice that he starts to pull away and seems less engaged (commonly known as “the fade away”), or he just vanishes (a phenomenon known as “ghosting”). You feel completely blindsided and shell-shocked.

What went wrong?

Here is why this situation is so confusing for most women. When a girl loses interest in a guy after a few dates, she can usually pinpoint the reason. Maybe he was too desperate, not intellectually stimulating, too quiet, too loud, too boring, too boisterous–she usually knows exactly what it is that turned her off and can give a reason as to why she doesn’t want to continue dating him if asked.

It’s not always like this for guys. A guy can go on a few amazing dates with a girl and find himself suddenly and inexplicably put off by her. Whereas he was previously texting her throughout the day and feeling a strong desire to see her…he now has no desire to contact her whatsoever. This can be as baffling for guys as it is for girls. When asked, many guys will say they don’t know why they were suddenly turned off…they just were.

So why does this happen? Is it really out of the blue without cause or provocation? No, there is a reason. The reason it’s so hard to pinpoint and articulate is because it’s extremely subtle.

During the first few dates with a new guy, your vibe is typically pretty laid-back and easygoing. You want to explore the possibilities with him and see what he’s all about. It starts out light and fun, it’s about connecting and enjoying each other’s company. After a few great dates with a seemingly great guy, most women can’t help but get excited about the possibilities. They think of where the relationship might go and they start to invest in a fantasy future.

When this happens, you are no longer in the here and now, seeing the situation for what it is. Instead, your mind is focusing on what it could be and that’s when it becomes a problem. You become attached to this fantasy future and then you can’t help but stress over it and worry about losing it (even though it’s not something you ever really had!). Then your fears and insecurities rise to the surface and seep into your interactions with him.

QUIZ: Are You Accidentally Destroying Your Love Life?

You begin interacting with the thoughts in your head rather than with the person in front of you. Rather than trying to learn who he is and what he’s about, you look at his behavior and the things he says as a means to measure how he feels about you… and whether you’re getting closer or further away from your goal of having a relationship with him.

Most guys can intuitively sense when a woman is reacting to them as an object rather than a person, when she is using him as a means to fill a void within herself.

Guys typically don’t operate this way in relationships and he can’t fully understand what happened to turn this seemingly happy, cool girl into an unpleasant, emotionally-reactive, reassurance-seeking mess.

Why Do We Do This?

All anyone really wants is to feel OK, and most of us don’t.  When a woman worries and needs constant reassurance, it comes from feeling from “I am not OK” and the feeling beneath that is fear. What makes it so destructive is that it’s not an overwhelming, gripping fear; it’s a vague feeling of unease. It’s so quiet and subtle you may not even realize it’s there.  You know how sometimes you’ll go to take a sip of water and you literally can’t stop chugging? You didn’t even realize you were thirsty, it’s only when you begin to quench the silent thirst that you realize how potent it was.

That’s kind of what’s at play here.

MORE: 5 Ways to Ruin a Budding Relationship

It’s tough for someone to nail down to source of feeling not OK, but they unconsciously latch onto things that will get rid of this feeling, usually through reassurance or trying to make situations come about that they feel will make them happy and finally grant them relief. This inevitably impacts your vibe, you become a parasite of sorts and everyone you come into contact with is simply a means to an end.

When you meet a guy who makes you feel OK, your need for that feeling becomes overwhelming and you latch on forcefully. You may not even realize you’re doing it; it’s not something you express outright. But it’s there and it comes across, even in the slightest ways. It changes your vibe and your energy and guys feel this.

At this point, instead of him feeling like he’s connecting with you, he feels like you’re trying to get something out of him. Maybe it’s reassurance or validation, or maybe just more of the feeling of being OK.

Guys don’t know exactly what it is, but suddenly their instincts are telling them to get away. This usually occurs at the point where the woman could no longer keep the act up. Maybe she’s trying to appear cool and go-with-the-flow, but in her mind she’s already thinking of ways to turn a relationship that’s really nothing at this point into something. From that point forward, it’s not easygoing and natural, it’s her measuring if she is getting closer or further from her goal.

QUIZ: Is He Losing Interest In You?

Everyone recognizes when someone has an agenda, it’s just something our intuition picks up on and it immediately puts us off. Think about how you feel when someone approaches you and tries to sell something. Your first instinct is typically to get far away from them. It doesn’t matter how nice and friendly they are, you can’t trust them because you know they want something out of you.

That’s the switch guys feel. It’s the shift from things being easy to fun to agenda-driven. When the woman feels like she’s getting closer to her goal, she’s happy and elated. When something happens that makes her feel like she is moving further away, she is gripped by that,  “My world is falling apart” feeling and may try to seek reassurance from the guy, either outright or subtly.

You Can’t Force Love

When you take a relationship that is brand new and start thinking that it’s something, or forcing it to be more than it is, it’s game over. Your vibe will become man repelling and before long, he’ll be gone and you will be left baffled, analyzing what exactly you did to drive him away. But you won’t ever find the answer, because it isn’t concrete and measurable.

This is one of the main differences between men and women when it comes to relationships. Men are more in the moment and are able to comfortably enjoy a situation for what it is as it is. Women are always looking for ways to improve the relationship and push it forward. It’s not that one gender has it right and the other has it wrong. There needs to be a balance between enjoying the present and comfortably laying the foundation for a future. It just can’t be done forcefully.

The best relationships are the ones that unfold organically with two people bringing their best selves to the table and discovering who the other person is and developing an appreciation for that person. It’s not about using the other person to gain status or self-esteem or security. A relationship can give you these things, but that’s a by-product, not the goal.

This is essentially the difference between a healthy relationship and a toxic relationship. A healthy relationship is … (continued – Click to keep reading The Number One Reason Men Suddenly Lose Interest)

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JK

Im a guy and this very thing happened to me with a recent date. All fine and relax on my first and second date, after that, and progressively my gut told me “get away now!”. I could never pinpoint it..then the day after I got away for the first time, she told me she could hardly sleep, and looked sad, tears in eyes etc…(I barely know her and she barely knows me, so there is absolutely no reason for this .Its something else within her…the said “void” I, or any guy whatsoever, would need to fill). So, that is over.
Your article is 110% spot on

Reply September 27, 2016, 1:47 pm

Betsy

I met a guy on tinder about a month ago he lives about a 45 minute drive away from me, ( I don’t drive) we have been on only 4 dates but they went really well,we would text loads throughout the day.A week or so ago he suggested we close our tinder accounts & only date each other.He isn’t someone I normally would go for but we just clicked & are quite similar in personality,everything was going well until yesterday when I got a text message 3hrs before I was supposed to go to his saying his feelings aren’t how they should be for me! He didn’t want to hurt me in a few months knowing there couldn’t be a relationship! I don’t get how the night before he was telling me how much he was looking forward to our night alone & he couldn’t wait to cuddle up together to that message less than 24hrs after.It’s really upset me as I know we haven’t known each long but it just felt different & he was different to other guys I have been with. We had already discussed some deep things that have happened in both of our lives & I definately didn’t come over as needy (I’m not) & I know I didn’t read too much into it.

Reply September 11, 2016, 4:51 pm

Lewis

I had an ex like this, 1st 2 weeks we were seeing each other I couldn’t ask for better, then she started picking up on little things we’d end up arguing, she always wanted compliments all the time which was hard work after she turned into a completely different person and she said she wanted reassurance and wanted me to care about her a lot more even though i’d do things like walk an hour to her house 3 times a week to see her, buy her gifts etc.
Even to this day she would be cool as we became friends after I broke it off and when I had interest in another women and I said I didn’t like her anymore she would block me on social media and say I didn’t care etc when I did.

Reply September 9, 2016, 10:43 am

Rebecca

I really like reading all your works. I think the other thing to be stressed in your articles is how to make yourself interesting. In addition to being the brightest and most confident version of yourself and always making an effort, go get piano lessons, or learn a language etc. So much media teaches us how to be hot, but now how to be magical or charming, the things that really make a man think that he’s getting a unique package.

Reply September 9, 2016, 8:07 am

Frank

I want to point out that things are not “men things” and “women things”, they are people things. For the women, I would be careful about taking this advice. For men that have problems with commitment, yes overtly showing that you want and expect commitment will make those type of men run. For men that are looking for commitment, they understand where you are coming from, appreciate it, and will be understanding, even if you are overdoing it. It tells the man you really want to be with him. It is so flattering. So overtly showing that you “have an agenda for commitment” will quickly chase away the guys that don’t want it. Don’t you want to know it as early as possible that they do not want commitment? So you can move on and find the guy that does? Ladies, be yourself. Don’t follow advice that is not natural for you. My problem in dating has been with women who seem to be following this advice — to the extreme. I contact them for the dates and communications. They will respond but never initiate contact. I suggest the dates on where we go and what we do and the times. They seem to be going along for the ride. No signals that they like being with me or showing any appreciation. After about five dates or one month, I find my answer. I run a test of their interest in me by waiting for them to initiate contact with me. Such as the next time we communicate, it will be them that initiates the communication. In every case I tried this, I never hear from them again. I would much rather be dating the woman who exhibits the “agenda of wanting commitment” that the author of this article is trying to bring attention to and suppress. I have had relationships with women like this. That never scares me away. In fact it draws me closer. It ends up being other aspects that cause the relationship to not be right for me. The driving factor here is I am a man that wants commitment. So again ladies, be yourself. If you are not, you will attract a man who is compatible with whom you are pretending to be. Or lose the right man for you because you are not being yourself(who the man would have been attracted to).

Reply August 26, 2016, 1:30 pm

Drea

I just don’t know. We met online and chatted for a bit and then we met up and things where good. Had a third date lined up. Then his father has a stroke. I understand, family first. So he now wants to be friends and I get nothing. Is he not into me? Don’t know what to do. He seems genuine. Help please.

Reply August 23, 2016, 10:54 pm

Eley

People handle grief differently, give him some space if he never comes back he used his Father’s stroke as a way to let you down gently.

Reply August 29, 2016, 12:41 pm

Jara

So true. Great point. Its also like this when it comes to guys. When the guy is trying too hard I also get a feeling of running away. But instead of not knowing why I know exactly why. The guy seem to be needy, desperate and way too eager to get me into a relationship with him and why would a healthy person do that? Whats the rush? He doesnt even know me. That makes me question his intentions and makes me run away. In the past my intuition was correct and I paid a high price for not listening and instead of running away giving him another shot.

Reply August 23, 2016, 11:37 am

Rory

Fantastic article, Sabrina. You’ve put into words something I’ve been trying to pinpoint for quite some time. I’ve felt an inexplicable loss of interest with many previous partners, many of which I had very strong feelings for, and yet my instincts told me to run for the hills. A couple of questions: is there anything I can do as the person losing interest to counteract this situation? And is there any sensitive way I can address this with future partners when I feel it happen to encourage them to relax / be in the moment as you say? I don’t want to keep losing interest when dating these lovely women!

Thank you

Reply July 26, 2016, 6:50 am

Rutts

there was a guy in my class he used to ask me questions a lot But since I got his numbers he never replied and he never spoke to me ever since

Reply July 22, 2016, 10:23 am

Leanne

So I was in a relationship for 7 months and everything was going great. He was the one that made it official and exclusive relationship after 2 months. He was the one that spoke about the future and told me he was serious about me etc. Not once was I ever pushy or forced anything. He introduced me to his parents. Then shortly after that he started avoiding calling and seeing me but would still message every day. After a month I just couldn’t take all the things he told me seriously as he wasn’t sticking to his word. I sent him one message just asking bluntly if he was actually serious about this relationship he told me he was but he had just been “busy” I never replied back and since then I haven’t heard anything from him (it’s been 10 days). Was I right to ignore him and was this guy messing me around? I’m finding it hard to accept what changed and why did he lie so much about being serious if he wasn’t?

Reply July 12, 2016, 12:24 am

Kim

Not so much a fan of this article. Sabrina I’ll tell you what happened with my ex and you tell me how any of it is was my fault as you suggest in the article ok?

I was seeing this guy for a few months. Everything was going great. He said he was having fun with me and he liked me. I wasn’t acting needy at all during the time when I was seeing him. He invited me to dinner at his house. We were fooling around on the couch. He wanted to have sex of course. I hadn’t been seeing him that long at this point. Just a month. I said I want to wait a bit until we get to know each other a bit better. He said ok but after that I didn’t hear too much from him. Even then I wasn’t needy. I decided to find out what was up after he didn’t contact me for 3 weeks and got zilch! Was this my fault? No. Did he know the reason why he didn’t want to see me anymore? Most likely yes. You mention that often guys don’t know the reason why they aren’t interested in a girl anymore. Sometimes guys can be dense, but they’re not as unaware as we think. Of course they know why they get turned off. Could be the exact same things as what turns a girl off a guy. Not being aware of the exact reason why they’re not interested anymore doesn’t excuse this ghost behaviour and it’s not right. How about writing an article about how people should be honest about what they’re feeling (for guys and girls).

Reply July 1, 2016, 5:38 pm

John

This is actually a well-written eye opening article. You’re right that it doesn’t apply to your situation. What happened with you is that your ex (as stupid as this is going to sound) had a certain number of days or a certain amount of time that he was willing to put into the relationship and if you didn’t have sex with him by that time he was moving on. I have a friend that’s exactly like that. He won’t ghost the girl but he’ll respectfully have a discussion with her about his expectations when he gets to that time. I don’t understand it either but there are some guys like that.

Reply August 16, 2016, 5:54 pm

NuNa Business

All these Bitches want Is your Money Guys why waist our money on them invest it in your retirement to th Hell with these Bitches. These Bitches don’t give a dam about you again all they want is Your money why do you think prostution is the oldest profession because they want your money. They like saying they have been rapes why so they can get your money by falsely suing you.

Reply June 16, 2016, 12:17 pm

Geez

No doubt you both sound rich., and successful. Of course all we’d want is your money! Right? Haha

Reply June 30, 2016, 5:49 am

jenny jones

Maybe you should go to night school and work on your GED or brush up on your reading and grammar, and women might like you. Not all women are after money, some of us have our own jobs. You seem like a very sad man who needs to work on his grammar and spirituality. You poor thing.

Reply August 21, 2016, 10:25 pm

Vicksy

I met this guy and he’s head over heels for me, spends time with me, even though it really meant walking a great distance to see me, he would do it ethusiasm. Told me he wants to marry me but his parents wants him to marry from his village. We love each other but I didnt show it too openly to him, I would play hard to get, use some harsh words on him then later apologize. Suddenly he told me his parents went to pay the bride price of the girl, I was so scared because I dont want to loose him that I went to meet someone for advise, 3 days later what I told the person went viral. He was so mad at me that when I asked us to talk he pushed me away. Few days later, he told me he has accepted to marry her, that she is so humble, respectful, loyal and that he asked people to advise him about me and their response was ‘Is this the kind of girl you want to marry?’ that was his main reason he accepted her that I was not respectful, I use harsh words on him. On the other way round, he knows what I can do, he knows am not actually like that, he knows my ins and outs, he knows am good and ok yet he tagged his reason was that I sent him bad messages . I apologized and he saw how sincere I am yet he said he cant go back, now I am confused I dont know what to do, pls I need advise, I find it difficult to sleep, lost my appetite and my head really hurts.

Reply May 31, 2016, 12:09 pm

Anonymous user

U ARE A NUTJOB, YOOOOUUUUU CAUSED THIS. THIS WAS DUE TO YOUR SELFISHNESS. Be ALONE FOREVER…… U IMPATIENT.

Reply May 31, 2016, 5:25 pm

Vicksy

I met this guy and he’s head over heels for me, spends time with me, even though it really meant walking a great distance to see me, he would do it ethusiasm. Told me he wants to marry me but his parents wants him to marry from his village. We love each other but I didnt show it too openly to him, I would play hard to get, use some harsh words on him then later apologize. Suddenly he told me his parents went to pay the bride price of the girl, I was so scared because I dont want to loose him that I went to meet someone for advise, 3 days later what I told the person went viral. He was so mad at me that when I asked us to talk he pushed me away. Few days later, he told me he has accepted to marry her, that she is so humble, respectful, loyal and that he asked people to advise him about me and their response was ‘Is this the kind of girl you want to marry?’ that was his main reason he accepted her that I was not respectful, I use harsh words on him. On the other way round, he knows what I can do, he knows am not actually like that, he knows my ins and outs, he knows am good and ok yet he tagged his reason was that I sent him bad messages . I apologized and he saw how sincere I am yet he said he cant go back, now I am confused I dont know what to do, pls I need advise, I find it difficult to sleep, lost my appetite and my head really hurts.

Reply May 31, 2016, 12:09 pm

Norma

Unfortunately, men have an ideal…of who they want to settle with…they also have an ideal of who they want to have sex with. Both arent one in the same..so theh cheat. .think im done now. I give up..Next guy will have to chase me down and prove to be a good honest faithful man. No more guessing for me.

Reply May 4, 2016, 11:57 am

Norma

This is 100% right. I can see exactly now the moment when the guy I was seeing pull off. And realized i wanted more than just dating after 3 months. Which I thought would be ok..I know now he isnt ready to move tp that level. . wish he would speak up and say so. Or that could be his way of avoiding it. Thats ok. I found out before i over ran him. . hopefully we can stay friends.

Reply May 4, 2016, 11:53 am

Mary

Why is it when women act in accordance to what is natural to them (even if it is off-putting to a guy, women are basically wired to think of stability/long term, etc.) we are expected to change, modify or otherwise not be who we are, but if a guy acts a certain way, women are expected to understand and accommodate. It would be nice if everyone could be totally honest in the dating phases of a relationship. If a woman’s goal is to get married, that shouldn’t scare a guy off if he is on the same track. She should be able to say it. I met a guy (we are both middle aged) and right away he said he wanted to get married. I didn’t take it as “next week” or anything like that. But several months later into the relationship I was onboard and was invested in the idea, and when I expressed this, he backed waaaaay off.. I got the feeling that as soon as I wanted to be in the same place relationship wise as him, he shut off……Frustrating…..

Reply April 18, 2016, 4:33 pm

Rachel

I think some guys are just too shallow. I hated this article. Already from the get go, some guys do not want to commit. So, what if a girl fantasizes, so do guys. If they don’t feel it then they’re not worth it.

Reply June 2, 2016, 5:28 pm

Norly Soleha

Dear Sabrina,

I just read this article, and I found out that this article is really related to my current situation. I like this one guy, and at first he was quite friendly. After a while, he pulled back, and never wanted to talk to me or have any connection with me. I always wonder why does he being friendly to others but not to me? After reading this article, and also the Why The Guys You Want Don’t Want You, I realized my mistakes. All points that you mentioned are totally what I am doing right now. I wanted something from him, I started to make it as my agenda, I plotted a few missions, and when I tried to talk to him, it wasn’t genuine. Oh my… then I put myself into his shoes, and I realized that I would do the same if I were him.

Right now, I am telling myself to stop analyzing, overthinking, plotting, everything. I am training myself to just chill and relax. I want to get rid of the ‘I want something’ mind. I want to stop doing all these things. I know I can do it.

This is a very good article, Sabrina.

Reply March 30, 2016, 8:39 pm

Joanne Taylor

This is really such an eye opening article. I am not sure if I did this to the guy I have been seeing yet, I still tried to play it cool last time I saw him. However, I felt like it was a little more forced and awkward and I consciously felt it almost to the day when I made that switch. I was just enjoying it and having fun and then all of a sudden I realized I did like him and started thinking a lot about it and overanalyzing things. Then I hung out with him again and could not figure out why I could not just be the way I was anymore, just whatever and nonchalant. I always hate when I get to that point and now I have feelings of wanting to run away from him because this is when it usually goes downhill anyways. I wish the article elaborated on if there is a way to fix or avoid this. It pretty much just says that women do this and no matter how cool you try and play it that he will still pick up on it and book it. I just hope that now knowing what is going on will help me relax and return to my old self.

Reply March 29, 2016, 10:38 pm

Sapphire

Sometimes it’s hard to know when I am trying to “force it” and when I’m connecting. I was so happy that the guy I like listened to me yesterday that I texted him today to thank him and wish him a good day. What I thought was well meaning made me realize that I was also seeking validation. I feel like this is normal and part of being human…but is too much gratitude a turn off and taken as ingenuine?

Reply February 22, 2016, 3:08 am

yap

Yes. You hit it on the head.
In the long run you don’t want to
play with a gal that is not playing!

Reply February 18, 2016, 5:35 am

Ed

While I think what you say is very true and very helpful, I think you’re wrong to split genders so definitively. A lot of what you’re saying to women applies to the way I feel as a man. Self-esteem and sensitivity doesn’t have a great deal to do with sex.

Reply February 10, 2016, 4:31 am

Ryan

I was going to add the same thing. This article is incredibly helpful and insightful. BUT, as a gay man, I find myself relating to both sides of these feelings. This nothing to do with gender, and everything to do with being human. It’s also written strictly for the hetrosexual when language like this is used. For future articles, I would find it helpful to pull gender out of it, and refer to these things as just differences in people / needs / attachment styles. Cheers!

Reply August 16, 2016, 1:36 pm

Jane

Wow, I did EXACTLY this and I’m embarrassed to admit that it happened on date one. The first night we met, we’d both been drinking, and we joked around and flirted. Then the texting, he was the best texter ever, if that’s a thing. When we met up for a date I was a nervous wreck and projected my insecurities
onto him, and he did run! He never wanted to see me again. My first thought was he probably thinks I’m too ugly. But this article describes how I behaved, and it makes a lot of sense. I’ve been kicking myself nonstop since that date, so thank you for reassuring me that I’m not too ugly, and I’m not the only one who does this!

Reply January 25, 2016, 10:01 am

Jade

Whats really funny is that on the second date the guy i asked me why i didnt want a commitment and i was expecting him to want one if i disnt want it myself,to which i told him maybe now i dont but if i find the right person im not closed off to the idea.Thats when he proceeded to let me know how i should give it time snd how he doesnt want to commit because he was not over his ex.An hour later he tells me he really likes me, to which i responded by letting him know that im aware that al he wants is sex

Reply January 27, 2016, 5:14 am

Jade

I dunno if this is of any relevance to mu previous comment but he has never been married and his last relationship ended 10 years ago

Reply January 19, 2016, 2:17 pm

Jade

I met a guy online 6 months ago and we would talk for hours on the phone everyday and he seemed to be really interested in me.3 weeks later we met up and the date was fun and interesting and while there was some intimacy, it was nothing beyond holding hands. However,i did tell him id like to take care of him.Anyway, he wanted me to go over to his house the next day and i said ill c, but come the next day i told him i just cant do it because despite the attraction im just not the kind of person who rushes into sex.He was ok about it and we arranged to meet somewhere later that night,but he texted me 30 mins before time to cancel. I was a little annoyed considering the fact that i could have left my house and been on the way,but hey,it happens,and i did let him know at a later stage that i don’t appreciate this.

Anyway,from that point on the frequency of calls kind of diminished and we only spoke once as he wS on his way to the beach.I told myself that’s it,I’m not going to initiate anything,no calls,no msgs,no nothing.A week passed and he called me and asked me why i had disappeared for so long so i told him I’ve been busy and we chatted for a bit and he told me about this family issue he has been having.I was very supportive and told him that he should relax and do stuff that makes him happy so he told me “ya thats why i called u” and im only telling you because u r so close to my heart.Genuine??I have my doubts. From that point on we were talking again pretty often,but not as often as before, and we agreed to meet a week later.

The day of the meeting the attraction was still high sky like the first time and he was complimenting me non-stop about my looks,personality and mentality.He even told me he is surprised that im single until.Of course the sexual insinuations began and i let him know that im not a booty call and of he is looking for one he should find another girl. I even asked him upfront what he wants from me and he said to “do it” but he said it in a very derogatory manner.Anyway, we talked a little more and i told him that he should allow himself to feel love and enjoy it, to which he got a little defensive and told me he has decided to live for himself because he is not over his last relationship which i believe ended maybe 6 years ago.He even tried to turn the table on me by asking me why i care if i dont want commitment so i told him if the right person comes along im not against the idea.BTW, he initially told me that he is over his previous relationship.Anyway, as we were leaving he told me he really likes me and i told him he knows its not true because he only wants one thing from me.

Anyway, i went home and we talked again that night and he kept complimenting my looks and that was that.He had said we would go out a few days later and that he wanted to take me somewhere of his choice.Of course it never happened and he never even called to cancel or say we need to reschedule.Furthermore,the following week we were basically running in circles trying to reach other until we finally spoke a week after the last meeting.

He sounded very down in the call and i wasnt so happy myself.He wouldnt tell me the reasons why but he asked me why i sound different so i told him its because i dont like the way he requested sex from
Me the last time we met, and i felt it was disrepectful.Additionally, i let him know that i dont tolerate disrespect simply because there is nothing he gives me that i cant live without and that i talk to him because i enjoy it.He apologized and said he would watch ehat he says because he doesnt want to hurt me and i thanked him and told him he should be himself just as it is but just refrain from this derogatory talk.Then i told him im here for him if he needs anything and asked him what i can do to make him feel better.He said lets just talk when i can and that was that. From that point on i just didnt call him because i didnt want to pressure him but i would message him every few days telling him im here and if there is anything i can do.Then one night i sent him a msg telling him that he is a beautiful person and he responded by saying he is full of shit and the entire message thread was just plain weird.He was even rude to me when i gave him a pet name and treAted me with disrespect despite the fact that i was only trying to support him.To be honest i got soooo mad and in the end i told him i wont turn my back on u but u were so quick to judge and u dont c how much i care.He then apologized and said he is sorry for being so rude and thats the biggest part of his problem and why he needs to be alone,and that he can see abd is grateful for my caring.A few days later he apologized again but i just wasnt ready to respond until a week later n i sent him a msg saying i had been disrespected by his words but ill pray for him. Of course he didnt respond.

A few days later i ran into him and he looked down n told me he had been seeing a therapist(who knows)i hugged him and teased him a little,and that was that.A few days later i msged him telling him that whatever problem he is having i know he can conquer it because he is so beautiful and strong.He thanked me and said thats what he keeps telling himself but he is going through a lot.I told him not to thank me because im here for him and i believe in him.

A few days later i ran into him and on that night i wish id stayed home.We said hi hiw r u then i told him i gtg so he said “where to?”and i said to hang out with ppl who actually appreciate me.He gave me the cruelest look ever n i told him i was just kidding n we should go outside to talk but he just rudely told me he doesn’t want to go outside,so i told him again im joking,and he was like yes but u know im having problems,so i told him yes and i just want u to know that there r ppl who love u n care bout u.

Anyway,i felt guilty so i msged him an apology later and told him that i wont bother him again but i do love n care for him,a message which he ignored so i unfriended him on facebook because i think he made it cleAr he wants me out of his life.

Reply January 19, 2016, 2:14 pm

Angela

I find this site pretty misogynist. So everything is because women fault, everything is because we NEED to stop being women and matching the model of women who better fits a guy. I found some things interesting of this site (advices like dating a lot of men at the same time, although we inside us know that we are doing it to forget someone) but the rest of this, is a guide to stop being ourselves, punishing ourselves for the sin of expressing what we want or letting us being emotional, and a glorification of a culture of coward guys who can’t be upfront with u and prefer being dishonest. Seriously, the best conclusion about this site is that we don’t have to stop being ourselves for an asshole and following these pathetic rules to achieve mastery in the stupid game of fitting what men expect of us. What happens with our goals? What we want is not important? We are here to please men with this anodine and false relationships without feelings or expectations? Seriously this is too much work. F*** off. We need more self-esteem instead of this guys, wanting the political correctness and good little woman that’s “lovable” and submissive.

Reply December 26, 2015, 1:09 pm

Sabrina Alexis

Angela- I’m pretty sure what you’re saying is the opposite of the message I aim to send on this site. The dominant message of this article is DON’T let a man’s opinion define you, instead, learn to love yourself and be your best self. None of that implies or indicates you need to change who you are to please a guy. The purpose of this article was to explain why men lose interest. I remember in my dating life I would have the experience of dating a guy who was really into me and then he just disappeared. This happened because I was so consumed with getting him to like me and commit and I lost site of my own sense of worth. This is a mistake many women make and that’s the issue I’m trying to address. I’m saying love yourself and realize the guys worth your time will love you for who you are. And above all I value what a woman wants, and I’m writing for the women who want a lasting commitment and I say over and over again not to prioritize a man’s needs over your own. Given how many articles I’ve written on learning to love yourself and how to be confident and how to find true happiness, I think it’s an incredibly unfair and erroneous statement to accuse me of telling women their needs don’t matter and they need to cater to the whims of a man and they need to stop being who they are. I hope this clarifies things.

Reply December 28, 2015, 12:41 pm

Jools

Hi Sabrina,
Spiritual doctrines advise to stay present and be in the moment. Men seem to be able to do this more naturally and intuitively than women in the relationship context. Do you think men are generally more conscious and spiritually evolved than women?

Reply July 13, 2016, 3:22 am

Eric Charles

Angela, my guess is that you find a lot of things misogynist… not because they are, but because you twist everything into thinking it is and then complain about. Just a guess.

Reply January 11, 2016, 12:03 pm

anne

I can see your point and absolutely agree … actually, i confess that i had sensed that this is actually what happens! … YET: since all of us (women) start musing about future wedding bells with a man we like (reguardless of how long we know him), and since we can hardly conceal from him the hidden musings (like you said: the vendor-metaphore, he JUST KNOWS) … then WHY do some men DECIDE nevertheless NOT TO BACK OFF??????? Perhaps there are other subtle issues? Or, else, some of us are the best of actresses and it is therefore true that men DO really marry cold-hearted dissimulator and manipulating women (who couldn’t care less about them). Perhaps then it’s just what they deserve when those women won’t nurse them in old age or run off with the lawyer! :DDD So which is which? Why some men do decide to stay nevertheless?

Reply December 5, 2015, 12:02 pm

CEH

Interesting article and comments. I might be a bit late for any replies, but I’d be interested to hear from both guys and girls on this one. I am relatively cool and calm under pressure and was in a long term relationship for 4 years which ended due to circumstances. I was absolutely broken and its definitely affected me with other guys. I don’t often really like someone but when I do I get the fear of God in me, what if he doesn’t feel the same, I like him so much, I hope this lasts and I’m sure that comes across, even when I try and act chilled. I haven’t liked someone for a long long time and I met someone on an online dating app a few weeks ago and instantly we were chatting and being sarcastic and relaxed with each other. I had a busy few weeks and he was really pushing to meet up, and we agreed one night after about 3 weeks of texting to have a quick drink to see if this was actually something. We had a few drinks and ended up all over each other, however I kicked him out as definitely didn’t want it to go too far, plus I really fancied him and didn’t want to rush it. We definitely didn’t play it cool and the whole way home he was messaging that he was super keen and so glad it went so well and was happy that we lived 20 mins door to door. Even the next day he was saying that he couldn’t stop thinking about me, so I obviously felt a lot more confident and relaxed with him. We stayed in touch throughout the weekend, even though we both had plans until the following Monday and he still hadn’t spoken about a second date. He said he had crazy stuff going on at work, but then I would see him online and he hadn’t messaged. I didn’t say anything but he would write and apologise for being moody but work was stressing him etc. I would reply that it was fine, we all had crazy days etc. After a few days, I threw it out there and said ‘would be nice to plan a drink when we both have time.’ Didn’t hear from him until later that night saying he was sick in bed, but he had completely blanked my message about drinks. I simply said that I knew he was busy and stressed but something felt a little offish with us suddenly and that he had this dramatic story about being ill or being bitten by something – I essentially called him out on something I didn’t believe. He replied that he was so sorry but things had definitely not changed and he was sorry that I felt we were on different pages. Then nothing…2 days and I wrote asking how he was and he just replies, better thanks, look I really enjoyed our date and I feel that I made that perfectly clear the next day, but your messages have really put me off and I don’t like being accused of making things up. I told him, cool, I get it, and admitted that I had felt somewhat rejected by him not replying to me suggesting drinks. I didn’t hear back. For some reason though this guy has really gotten under my skin and it’s driving me a little mad that I don’t know what the hell happened. On one side I felt something was off and feel we had an open enough conversation to be able to say something, on the other side, did I push this too far?

Reply November 9, 2015, 6:32 am

Gianna

My sister’s been with her boyfriend for a year and a half now and honestly she is CRAZY with her emotions and insecurities, screaming at him often actually. One night I was talking to my dad about relationships, and I told him I didn’t understand Julian (her bf) and how/why he’s been putting up with my sister. My dad told me he knew why. Julian loves her. Plain and simple. True love is unconditional, everyone.. And fact is, if the guy’s truly mad for a girl, he’ll put her first. Hang on everyone, every loss is a gain and a step closer to the best 🙂

Reply November 3, 2015, 7:13 pm

STS

you, my lady, are brilliant. wonderful advice and insight, seriously thought a guy was writing this at first.

Reply September 29, 2015, 12:38 am

Pam

Some men are bitterly frightened of commitment. They will sabotage a good relationship out of fear or something stupid. I know a guy, totally thought he was my soul mate. We clicked. He shared with me things he never shared with anyone. We were inseparable. After a year, he suddenly stopped calling and didn’t want to see me. He eventually told me that he meet a new young lady at a crab festival trip with a friend. He also told me he feared my ex boyfriend would come back into the picture. (I don’t know why, it was a bitter break up) He was no longer interested in me. He liked the island girl that could twerk it in bed i guess. He was interested in her “so called” innocence. Eventually, she broke his heart. She wasn’t what he expected. When she went home to visit her native country, she returned pregnant with her high school sweet hearts baby. He was heart broken over her, but not me!!!

This man and I are still friends, but I can’t get over him breaking my heart for a woman he barely knew. There were no warning signs that he wasn’t happy with me. He confided in me he felt “too close” to me. It scared him. How that pushed him into another woman’s arm I will never understand. When he was with her he would call me and say he wished she was me. I was very confused and decided I couldn’t be with a man who can lose interest in 1 weekend. I call it Attention Deficit Disorder in the dating department. Some men are always looking for something better. The grass may look greener on the other side, but it doesn’t mean it is.

Women need to realize when it is them, but they also need to understand when it is beyond their control. Too many articles place blame when the blame is with no one. This article was good, but if a woman has been dating a man for a while, its not odd for her to wonder where she stands. It is ingrained in a woman to settle down. So if a man is put off by a woman’s affections, perhaps he shouldn’t get involved. Tell the woman you just want a physical relationship. A lot of women are perfectly ok with a physical relationship, no strings attached.

One last point. Some people are mental. They will find fault with everyone. These people will never be happy with anyone.

Reply September 9, 2015, 8:44 pm

Anonyous

Totally agreed !!

Reply January 28, 2016, 2:22 am

Jacky

Ladies listen up!!! When a truly invested man sudenly stops texting you leave it be. His silence says it all. Once you know that no misfortune has befallen him, take it as a sign that he has ‘gone off you’…… Who knows what’s going on in the dude’s head! It’s not your job to over analyse it.. Don’t waste the old grey matter!! Pick yourself up, dust yourself down and get back in the race. His problem not yours! Your awesomeness does not need that! It is what it is. You have got to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your prince…! Hope this helps …..

Reply September 4, 2015, 4:40 am

Jools

men respond more to silence than to drama, so play him at his own game!

Reply July 13, 2016, 3:25 am

mamun

Agree with you

Reply August 16, 2015, 5:48 pm

Rose

Hi,
I have been reading your blog for sometime. Its informative and sometimes comments resonate strongly with our own situations.
Being a successful early 30 girl, dating is still something which completely baffles me. After dating for years, i am still not sure what is right and what is wrong.
My life is so busy, always being on business trips, fancy holidays, gym….and I have never texted men anything along the line of ” where is this going”, yet I have experienced guys who I thought had some potentiol, doing a slow fade etc.
Recently went on a date with a handsome guy who equally liked me ( so he said)..within couple of days of our date he was to go on holiday for 2.5 weeks..he texted after our date and we planned to meet again once he comes back from his holiday. He texted a couple of times from his holiday too which some interesting pictures. I responded along the lines of ” I am glad you are having great time etc etc”…nothing too long, nothing demanding. Its been over a week I have heard from him so I am now simply going to write him off. I have been going on other dates too but it just feels like a never ending process, even if we meet someone promising and play it cool….things still dont seem to work?

Reply August 6, 2015, 7:52 am

Nicole

This is exactly what happened to me.. My ex broke up with me last week and we haven’t talked since. Is there a way to fix this or do I have to move on?

Reply May 15, 2015, 5:44 pm

Christina

This is quite accurate actually. As a woman I didn’t realize this until this article pointed it out.

Reply April 15, 2015, 2:29 am

Heh

What a bunch of nonsense! This is just another attempt to mold women into the emotionless Cool Girl by triggering their abandonment fears.

The number one reason a man suddenly loses interest is because he’s met (or gone back to) someone he likes more.

The number two reason a man suddenly loses interest is because he realizes the woman isn’t the partner he’s looking for long-term. He may not be able to define why she isn’t, but she isn’t. It’s NOT because her big, bad, scary feelings turn him off. If he feels strongly about her, then he’ll be thrilled that she feels as deeply as he does. But when he DOESN’T feel strongly about her, her growing feelings may force him to confront his own lack of attachment to her.

The point here is that women need to stop censoring themselves out of fear that their genuine, heartfelt emotions will “scare away” guys who can’t handle them. It is completely, totally natural to feel more and more attached to someone the more time you spend with them and to want those happy experiences together to continue. If a woman stuffs down those natural feelings because she’s afraid to lose a guy, she just opens the door for someone who doesn’t care about her to use her for his own purposes and give little or nothing in return.

Again, a woman’s emotions do not CAUSE a guy to lose interest. A guy’s lack of interest CAUSES him to back off from a woman’s emotions. And there’s nothing a woman can do to change that lack of interest, either, by the way, because it almost never has to do with something she can change about herself. It’s usually just a mismatch of personality, interests, values, sexual preferences, or the like.

Reply March 29, 2015, 5:22 am

Lea

You ‘re absolutely right.

Reply June 13, 2015, 12:38 pm

Aunika

You are absolutely right. Also every one who is dating has an agenda, weather it be friendship, looking for a relationship, or just having a good time.

Reply June 20, 2015, 5:49 am

Deb

AGREEEEED! ????

Reply July 13, 2015, 10:52 pm

katy

I agree with you Heh too. The sad thing is the men who do this tend to go OTT on the compliments, declaring how much they like you and how sexy you are and how they can’t stop thinking about you, before they go disappear running off scared and unfortunately it seems to be getting more prevalent with more and more men preferring today’s ‘friends with benefits’ culture, because it is on offer and is easier.

Reply August 4, 2015, 9:34 am

Alys

YES! This article just seems so “it’s all the crazy woman’s fault!!!!”

Reply August 10, 2015, 11:59 am

Mel

My thoughts exactly. You are 100% right. I hope these young women don’t believe this stupid article. Girl power!

Reply October 1, 2015, 6:54 pm

gina

U r just too right. U squeezed the words out of my mouth. U r either not the partner he is looking for or he met someone better

Reply January 21, 2016, 2:53 am

Kim

100% agree!

Reply July 1, 2016, 5:46 pm

Listening

Yes absolutely agree. Whenever I’ve known a man socially enough to know what happens after we break up, rather than just internet dating where they disappear and you never hear from them again, I have become aware that he met someone else during our time and ended it giving other reasons – couldn’t admit the real reason as it would make him look bad.
Men won’t usually give up something even if not ideal unless he has another offer or he realises it’s not compatible as you say above. The first reason is the most common though, particularly give the rise of internet and app dating, tinder etc. We shouldn’t kill ourselves thinking it is our emotions or need for commitment, these are natural.

Reply August 2, 2016, 7:05 pm

Kris

Wow. The way I see this is girls are damned if they do and damned if they don’t. What I mean is, for a girl who is dating a guy (let’s say for three months), they spend every weekend together and maybe a couple days a week and talk daily. Isn’t it perfectly reasonable for the girl to wonder where she stands at that point?? Even if she doesnt say it but the guy can sense shes thinking it. Why should a girl invest time in something that may be perceived to the guy as something casual. Keep in mind, this so-called “in the moment” is dangerously similar to stringing a girl along. Most women are aware that when a guy says something to her like “I just want to go with the flow” that usually means “I’m willing to have sex with you but don’t expect any promises.” What is a girl supposed to do?? I get it if a girl starts getting all clingy on a guy after a few weeks it would freak him out. But for a guy to “sense” a bit of discomfort or insecurity from the girl he’s dating and allow that to freak him out so much, it only reiterates my theory that men are way too emotionally sensitive. Why would a guy discount all the good qualities a woman has and all the fun he’s had with her just because one night he senses something is bugging her?? How about asking and talking to her rationally about it. If after that she continues to act antsy and desperate then I can see why a guy would disappear. But jeez, one incident with a girl that seems a little off and the guy wants to trash the entire relationship??? I think that is a sign of immaturity and if most men react this way I’d rather be single. Mature men ought to take into account how often women are USED for sex so guess what, thats where our insecurites often come from so give us a break. If men want the women in their lives to be totally “chill” and act just like their buddies then they need to sleep with their buddies.

Reply March 17, 2015, 10:20 pm

Lola

A-MEN

Reply March 19, 2015, 1:11 am

Julie

Very well said! I agree completely!!

Reply March 21, 2015, 8:50 am

Mel

So true.

Reply October 1, 2015, 6:58 pm

Listening

Amen

Reply August 2, 2016, 7:06 pm

Cora

While I love this article, I must point out the fact that this does not just apply to men. I don’t know if it even occurs more with men than women. We live in an interesting time. I think whoever wrote this is dead on – correct in what was written. But, it could have been written without bringing the male/female aspect into it. Basically, I am the way this article describes men to be. I am a young female. I am going through this right now. I am easily overwhelmed and turned off completely when I sense the man is taking it too far before it’s even beginning. In my mind or body, I feel that if I haven’t even gone on a date yet and I sense he is so into this future fantasy of us together – that seems like so much pressure without even committing to a date…that I cannot handle it. Even if the guy is absolutely wonderful – I don’t know if i can handle it – it feels like intense pressure and commitment when my intention that I clearly stated was to take things easy, get to know each other as friends – keep things light and fun, etc. I go into dating nowadays (if it even gets that far) not fantasizing like I did in the past – not thinking about what could be – I just hope to have fun and expect very little honestly. I don’t like back and forth texts and emails – saying goodmorning or other sweet things …because the fact is that I haven’t met this guy yet and I don’t want to feel something that is part of that fantasy or not real..it hurts too much when reality hits as I have done this in the past. I am in the situation right now where I may walk away from this sweet man due to this very reason….

Reply March 17, 2015, 2:44 pm

Gina

U r so right. I got immediately turned off by some guy who wanted to visit me at home n meet my family n friends when I just met him. To him, that was a sign of seriousness but for me no no no it cut me off completely

Reply January 21, 2016, 3:03 am

kris

im 29 ever since i broke up with my daughters mom women that i meet i dont show any interest in i meet some good ones but its always somethin about them that turns me off either its hygiene or having holes in ur sock with ashy feet or having this form of breath problem that if i kiss u i dont wanna smell sour
like u havent brushed ur teeth in the morning. people say i give chances to people who i kno i wont be attracted by but im a good guy and i give it a shot anyway and when i do it it makes me turned off then i start to fall back all the way .

Reply March 2, 2015, 10:48 pm

Susan

Hi , this is an topic of interest for me .. I recently met a widow online. ., his wife died in November of 2014 . He said he moved on and grieved that entire year .. So it wasn’t to soon for him .. He was ready to start dating . I met him online . We dated for a few weeks and became intimate .. We had a few things in common and I felt close to him . He acted like he truly missed me even living 45 minutes away . He pretty much dumped me because I texted him that I felt lonely and wanted to talk for 5 minutes ; just hear his voice .. He texted me back and said it wasn’t a good time . This all happened a week ago .. Since then I have heard nothing from him but a goodbye email stating he didn’t want a heavy relationship in his life meaning he wanted to sleep around but not have an emotional attachment .. Sorry but when you start sleeping with a woman you’ve crossed over that border of emotional relationship … He practically took advantage of my emotions and really messed with my head … Yet I still cannot get him out of my head .. I miss him been though he treated me badly ;(((

Reply February 23, 2015, 6:44 pm

Ralph

Well, if a man is allowed to comment on this topic, I will tell you that some things are just not negotiable and can’t be talked out. Other times, we just feel insecure and incapable of living up to your expectations. Basically, it is a maturity issue.
I once dated a girl whom I absolutely adored! We were political opposites, which was bound to cause problems sooner or later. One day on an outing she attempted to sacrifice herself by jumping in front of a gun to save a wild animal from being shot! That was the event I knew would come sooner, or later! I could picture myself at home watching T.V., and seeing my future wife on the news with Green Peace running a lifeboat in front of a whaler!
No thanks! I wanted a woman who would sacrifice herself for her kids, not whales! I didn’t want to end up a widower because she was risking it all for her ’cause’! Too extreme! I threw her back.
In retrospect, it wasn’t right not to talk to her about it, but it would have just been a HUGE scene, and I wasn’t going back for that!
Other times, I didn’t feel confident enough to live up to the expectations of the girl I was dating. In other words, I thought too highly of her, and not enough of myself! I let a lot of women go because of this one! I almost let my wife go because of it, and it may have been the right choice for both of us if I would have. She certainly deserves better than I.
You can try to talk to your man about these things if you are willing to be understanding and reassuring, but, basically it is just a sign of our immaturity and you may have a long road ahead of you! Being whiny, or demanding, will surely push him away because you will have just proven to him that he can’t make you happy, and he can’t meet your expectations.
Good luck!

Reply February 9, 2015, 2:17 am

Dee

“I didn’t feel confident enough to live up to the expectations of the girl I was dating. In other words, I thought too highly of her, and not enough of myself! I let a lot of women go because of this one!” Ralph, thank you for your post and bluntness because I think you just hit the nail on the head! If everyone was truly honest with themselves they would find this to be the major reason why guys fade away or “ghost” altogether. Too many relationship coaches just don’t want to speak the truth on this one. Something has happened in the last couple of decades that has caused a significant increase in men feeling so insecure, personally, I blame feminism and the divorce rate!

Reply August 17, 2016, 12:43 pm

Carol Morales

I realized my faults.

Reply January 26, 2015, 11:38 pm

houx

I think it is better to act your absolute worse behavior in the beginning. It is the best way to weed out the boring men. Just when you hook him you act up more. He will think either you are too much trouble or there is now way you can get even worse. Then if you like him and he sticks around then you can show him you nicer side, and from then on it will be smooth sailing. After 28 years of marriage I still act up but only to keep him on his toes and keep the love flowing.

Reply December 25, 2014, 7:19 pm

Cate

This nailed my last date with a guy I was seeing for 3 months. He’s since gone cold on me. He was an hour and half late (work stress, traffic and a wrong turn), for our date at my place, a casual movie in on a Tues night, and while he texted me updates I couldn’t shake the fact he was late many other times. So when he walked through the door my lukewarm fake pleasant welcome most likely came through and for the better part of the beginning of the night there was palpable tension. I was definitely bringing some of my trust issues from my long marriage (I’m 39–my ex cheated many times–he’s 43), and my general inability to let go of the lateness. This is the part I wished I handled better. While I think it’s fair for me to have felt what I felt, I wished that I was able to communicate it to him rather than pretending all was ok. Or at least choose to let it go. The date was not going great. When things eased a bit and we started getting intimate he couldn’t go through with it, started talking about work stress and not being able to handle a relationship, and decided to go home. I just listened and accepted and expressed my not wanting to be a point of stress for him. He texted me the next day apologizing and we agreed to schedule a time to talk on the phone. Basically he expressed some of the same issues of work life balance, and I wanted to find out if we were on the same page. I offered two solutions, one to move forward exclusively and slowly, and 2 to just cut ties. He said he needed time to think about it. He said he would call in a week. Tomorrow will be a week. We shall see if he’ll call. He’s usually good on his word, but I suspect what happened that night is exactly what this article addresses. I sigh with a humble heart. While there still was a lot of pushing and pulling in the 3 months of dating, a bit of hot and cold, it was still progressing…until now.

Reply November 13, 2014, 11:36 pm

Shannon

Cate,
I’m dealing with a similar situation, except the guy said he just felt “something is missing”, but the change happened exactly when I made the shift talked about in this article. That was Saturday and no contact since. He may have truly meant what he said, but it doesn’t make sense with everything else. How did your situation turn out?
Shannon

Reply January 6, 2015, 4:55 pm

Cate

Shannon, he flaked on calling me 3x before we finally spoke, only for him to reiterate the same deal, that he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship. It was a nice talk regardless and he said he needed to figure things out and sort out his business at work for the next month or two. He didn’t expect me to wait and I didn’t say I would but that I wasn’t closing the door. I did say I don’t know where I’ll be if he changes his mind. He said he wanted to keep in touch and I said ok. That was a mistake in hindsight. He texted me three different times, and each time making it more difficult to stop thinking of him. They were just friendly texts just before each holiday (TG, Xmas, NY) and the third time he asked if I wanted t get drinks or diner upon my return from my holiday. The proverbial strings! Well I haven’t heard from him since New Years after he asked if I was back. I said yes and greeted him. He did the same and no word. My return was delayed bc I got sick as did my daughter. Anyway, idk I suspect he’s been dating, and my male friend says he’s stringing me along. I went on a new date tonight and it was a dud. Unfortunately made me miss him more which is silly. I know it is foolish to feel that longing for someone who cannot give me what I want and to hope for it. So if he does contact m again I am not sure what I plan on doing…ask him
Not to, or give him a shot. My heart and head are at odds.

Reply January 8, 2015, 1:33 am

jimmy

sod him cate.

Reply February 15, 2015, 10:54 am

Anonymous

There is nothing you could have done to stop this! It just means whenever this decision point would come he would decide the same no matter what. The reason is he did not find him capable enough to commit to you either because he thinks you are not right for him or he is not right for u.

Reply January 28, 2016, 2:54 am

Clementine

Hi Sabrina, please help! It was a pure friendship since 2011, until we had to meet more often lately. I think I saw mixed signals and decided to show some back which might be a bad idea. I’v been ‘freeze’ for 3 weeks now. Should I keep waiting? Thank you so much!

Reply October 18, 2014, 11:17 am

Nat

Read this article and decided to experiment with the “vibe theory”
Got to say every bit of it is true. I changed my needy/ i am so disappointed vibe to a lighter carefree vibe and it worked.
He then wanted to hang out a lot more than usual. Unfortunately a month later he moved out of town however i am a lot more wiser now 🙂
Great article and website. Keep up the good work.

Reply October 12, 2014, 3:36 pm

mitsu

Hi Sabrina, you brought up a very critical point below, love is about compatibility and chemistry. But I want to clarify if my understanding is correct that whether two persons are compatible is already set in stone, we just need to take time to find out and that’s why we should let everything goes slowly. This enables us to see things clearly without letting the strong chemistry to cloud us from seeing who he is. Right?

I had an experience from which I learnt about myself. Similar situation described in many of your articles too. I attracted to a guy, passion ignited between us. I had sex with him too soon (before I know who he is). When I said I want to see him more frequently and not to be slotted, he then ran away. Maybe he just wanted sth casual. Before that I didn’t realise I have an emotional void and he just filled my gap and became a replacement in my previous relationship. I think I shouldn’t date anyone before I clear my baggage but how do I know when I’m ready?

I think everyone is born to be nice. I easily trust people, always being honest about my feeling. This may be the reason I easily get hurt. But I don’t wanna change myself. I still believe I can meet someone who really love and care about me.

Love all your sharing through emails and website!

Reply October 9, 2014, 10:44 pm

elizabeth

i have been dating my boyfriend for 3 years now. long story short he was on two deployments and recently got done with his service. we were always perfect he seemed to put so much effort into our relationship and once he got done with his service he moved about 30 minutes away from me and he has and had no job. so i would be the one driving up as much to see him. i started noticing that he was pulling away. if we would go a week without seeing each other it was fine for him. he never bothered asking when we were seeing each other. and just the other day ( which has been a few months since he was done with his service) i called him out on not trying anymore and i felt like i couldn’t go on with how things were going. and he finally lets me know that he has felt confused for the last few months and he has been trying to figure it out. he loves me but he feels like we are just friends. i am very confused and heartbroken. i thought this guy was the guy i was going to have a future with. we decided to take a few days without talking, don’t really think this is gonna help much as i am going crazy. i don’t know if loosing his job is the root cause of this problem or what. he says he feels as if i deserve better and i am the perfect girl but he’s just confused. he doesn’t want to loose me since i am his best friend. idk, I’m going crazy. i was just really hoping for some advice!

Reply October 8, 2014, 6:46 pm

Dee

Hey everyone,

I could really use some advice with my “relationship” now. There’s a guy who saw me on his friend’s FB and added me because he liked me. I didn’t like him at all, but I added him anyway thinkin: what is there to lose? We started to talk, he messaged me all the time, but I still didn’t like him. Then after like 3 months of chatting he asked for a date. We agreed on a time and place, but he couldn’t make it. I was really disappointed, because he came up with the lamest excuse (car broke down), but I visited him, because I wanted to see if we click. We did. After a few dates things happened, and even after the first one he called me his girl, asked me not to talk to his friends anymore, cause I’m only his. The thing I liked about him was that at that time I was pregnant by an other man and had an abortion. He supported me all the way. I really thought I found an amazing guy. But there was something with him. When he says “Hey babe I gotta go, will hit you up in a few”, it usually means he wouldn’t talk to me until the very next day. I was fighting a lot about it, like “if you decide to disappear why can’t you just drop me a a text and say you’re busy?”. The constant fights started to make him think that he can’t make me happy, and he kept saying “you make me feel like I’m not good enough for you”. Then I found this page and read a lot, realized that after two weeks of being his girlfriend I shouldn’t act like that, so I started to change and he noticed. He already introduced me to his friends, and treated me like a queen in front of them. Not ashamed of holding my hand, kissing me, etc. I really thought everything was gonna be all right. But the thing is that we live an hour away from each other, we both work, so we can only spend two days/one night together a week. Which I don’t think is a problem, because we are only at the beginning, we both need our space a little. But here’s the problem that started last week. He doesn’t have a smartphone, and only uses FB at work, but his working hours are the most flexible I’ve ever seen as he is a real estate agent, so if he can’t he won’t work for a week. That’s what happened just now. He hasn’t been on FB for more than a week now, so we don’t have that daily communication. I asked him to at least send me one text in the evening, saying everything is all right. He said ok I will. But of course he didn’t, in fact days go by without us even communicating. Thank God I found this page, because I was already about to freak out on him, but I read everything carefully and when he finally called me two days ago, I was calm and happy and he noticed it. He was like “wow I thought you would kill me for not texting or calling you for three days but I see you are doing great”. I told him “yea I understand you had to handle your business and I kept myself busy, I went to the movies, went out, and actually going out right now as well”. He told me to enjoy myself and to call him when I get home. I did, and he was like “oh babe I’ll call you back” then hang up. It was two days ago, of course there is no word from him. I’m trying to be patient, because I don’t want him to think that I’m the “Why didn’t you…?” type of girlfriend, who acts like this after 2 weeks of dating, and will get even worse later. But at the same time I want him to show me attention as much when I wasn’t his girlfriend. How do I do that? Or even is it worth to try or he is just not that into me? When we are together in person, I feel like everything is perfect, he treats me so well. But when I travel home, communication,texting, phone calls happen very rarely. Please help… Thank you!

Reply October 8, 2014, 1:31 am

jimmy

Sod him Dee. Sounds a little possessive, and he’s mucking you around with the push-and-pull.

Reply February 15, 2015, 10:58 am

ABC

there is a guy I have known for a good part of 2 years and we were talking on and off (i believe mostly because of pride, although he denies) for sometime, during which we met a few times and got engaged in casual sex. But i didnt like where it was going so i backed off a little and sensing my apprehension perhaps he backed off too. But after 2-3 months of silence, I would hear from him again and then we talk again first a lot and then slowly start to fade, like the guy is pulling away. Anyway, this went on for a while that left me in a lot of confusion but I learnt to just treat it as an aspect and get on with my life. Then we had this amazing road trip out of nowhere which lasted for almost 2 weeks and we got to know each other at a personal level. Ever since we came back, things were both hot and cold. We have met a few times, engaged in sex too. Although his body language and the way he talks, all throughout the trip and otherwise seems like he has a thing for me. But sometimes he leaves me utterly confused.

I have read all the topics extensively on your blog and have a pretty good handle of the situation by now. But what i am unsure of is that what do you do from here. I obviously want to know him better and want things to progress at an organic level. But this coming and going sort of a deal makes me angry and unsure. Since our main mode of conversation has always been texting, we never talked on the phone, unless coordinating, I dont know if I should read too much into his texts. I am not sure about my feelings too but I would like to know if there is a chance at all.

Besides, the last conversation we had was a bit weird when he offhandedly asked me if I had STDs because he has been sick after we had sex. This offended me so much that I blasted him off. I am not sure what to do from here. While I do realize the importance of knowing the sexual health of the other person I just didnt think that was the right way to ask. I truly believe that he likes me too but I am not sure how to deal with this thing. I just want him to put more effort. Can you help?

Reply October 2, 2014, 11:48 am

Martina

The fact, that he might or likes you is not what will make him harder for you. If he wants casual thing on his terms, his behavior will communicate that to you. And trust me , he knows it.
If he is hot and cold, something holds him back. That could be you, or he doesn’t plan to get involved deeper and he acts accordingly because its logical for him. He sends you mixed signals and mixed signals means what they are – I don’t want to give her too a lot.
Guy knows how to behave if he really wants someone. You don’t really have to do much, just say “yes” to things and enjoy his presence.
You have already engaged yourself sexually and he seems to be taking it casually.
Maybe next time you sleep with a guy, make sure he understand you are not just fun material, so he doesn’t mess with you.
Every guys will take a chance on sex and hanging out if he doesn’t have to invest himself. If he doesn’t , to avoid misunderstanding you can simple communicate how you wish to be treated, no drama, assertively. If he doesn’t care, would be a sin not to walk away.
Look what kind of friends you have and how they treat you – time wise etc, respect of your time etc. Don’t respect less from a guy. You don’t label, but maybe a treatment of normal, organized, intimately engaged person- yes. So, it’s entirely up to you where your boundaries are.
You can walk away from love if there is a mistreatment. He wouldn’t mistreat his friends, clients, colleagues – so why would tolerate if someone just not call you or back off ? You don’t deserve less.
And then give him couple of days to act on your standard. If he doesn’t, you are a woman, you can find a man in 5 minutes. And possibly some man that will cherish you.
Don’t give your heart away, before he proves he deserve it and mainly – he asked for it. Its like giving a good for free to someone, who doesn’t really need it ?

Reply October 3, 2014, 10:50 am

Lara

Martina, you should write articles. What you have said is much better than Sabrina, or Eric. Only what they want to sell their tips, which are still generalized one.
Yours is general too, but it not just general-general, it is the universal truth.

Reply October 3, 2014, 11:24 am

jimmy

He just wants casual, and won’t put more effort in. You’ve got a right to be offended. He’s got you with the hot-and-cold too, and I doubt you’re exclusive. Ditch him if you’re looking for the one.

Reply February 15, 2015, 11:01 am

jimmy

^ The hot and cold thing is a deliberate trick guys use to keep girls interested. Girls like drama, and pretty much every man’s magazine recommends it. I consider myself a nice guy, looking for mrs right eventually, but still use it in texts. Pretty hard to get the push-balance right when it’s not natural to me! I do it very mildly. If it were up to guys, everything would be cut and dry!

Reply February 15, 2015, 11:05 am

Sabrina Alexis

At the end of the day, relationships come down to two things: chemistry and compatibility. These elements are already set before you meet. The dating process is really just a matter of determining how compatible you truly are. There is no voodoo spell you can cast on a guy to make him fall in love. Does playing “hard to get” work? Yes, it can. It can successfully capture a man’s attention but that does not necessarily lead to a lasting, loving relationship. Maybe playing games will activate his competitive drive for a bit, but at some point the games will end and your true self will come out and if you and him are not a match then it just isn’t going to work. Some people stay in relationships because they have amazing chemistry but no compatibility. These are the kinds of relationships where people are constantly fighting, but they can’t just break away because the chemistry is so strong (and the make up sex is just too good). And some people are totally compatible but lacking in chemistry and the relationship just falls flat over time. You can not fake compatibility or chemistry. And you cannot mold yourself into what you think someone else wants. In relationships, we all have things to give and things we can receive. If what you have to give is what he wants to receive, and vice versa, then it’s a match. But sometimes, what you give isn’t what the other person needs or wants. It doesn’t mean you’re bad or not good enough. It just means it wasn’t a match. The advice Eric and I give on this site is rooted in the truth about men and women and the truth about relationships. It’s not opinion, it’s not strategy, it’s not mind games, it’s just the simple truth of how men and women operate and how this manifests in relationships. I’ve experienced many failed relationships since I started writing about relationships but that doesn’t mean anything I say has been wrong, it just means those weren’t the right relationships for me. You can’t ever force anyone to love you, you can only work on being your best self and make yourself into someone who can be open to receiving love. When you can get to that place, and let go of your hurts and past pains and feelings or resentment, I promise you things will dramatically turn around.

Reply September 30, 2014, 11:08 am

TIFF

U are so spot on!! I can’t tell you how deep everything you just said resonates with not only the relationship I’m currently in but alllll of my past love affairs. The current guy that I’m dating is actually going well. He’s a great dude. And is an A+ Communicator. Thank GOD! He actually has said to me alllllot of the things that you mentioned in your article. To be honest I thought that it was a bunch of bs. Lol!! But after reading this is understand exactly what he was asking for and saying to me.

We’ve been dating for 3 months (almost) and have decided to be monogamous. But we are not in a “relationship” yet. Which I’m totally happy about bc it feels like we’re moving towards commitment. We communicate everyday and have since the day we met not missing ONE day. Even when arguing. However, over the last few weeks he has complained about being tired and hadn’t shown the desire to see each other. I did every damn thing u said not to do. I questioned his intensions, his words, our chemistry, and our compatibility. My “vibe” changed. I started expecting to see him instead of wanting to see him. I staring buying gifts and cooking him meals offering to do too damn much. Basically selling myself. Instead of just BEING myself. And he fled that vibe. bc our communication hasn’t changed I’m so glad that I read this before I ruined our dope thing.

I’ve joined the gym and have really began to focus on me and my career since meeting him. I think in the end ur right working on me is working on being a better partner.

Reply February 21, 2016, 11:58 pm

Lynn

Does it show neediness if you say you miss them been thinking
Of them all day ? Or if you say why didnt you call me ? Or I didnt hear from you so I figured you werent Intetested.
I dont know whats right to say whats not

Reply September 25, 2014, 8:58 pm

Sabrina Alexis

Neediness isn’t about what you say, it’s the intention behind what you’re saying. It really boils down to your mindset. For instance, if you text him that you miss him because you genuinely do miss him and are simply expressing yourself, then it’s not needy! If you text him you miss him because you’re feeling nervous that maybe he doesn’t miss you, or you’re questioning how he feels and are hoping that his response will give you clarity…then it comes across as needy. If you are over-thinking what to say and what you can and can’t say, then you are coming from a needy place and need to adjust the way you’re experiencing this relationship. Instead of wasting energy on trying to find the right strategy, focus on enjoying the relationship and being present and forming a genuine connection with him.

Reply September 30, 2014, 10:52 am

overseas again

Than more I read than it more clear, where the root of all of this.
In my native country it was immoral to have a sex if you are not married. Period. That us why man were romantic, and generous, aka real gentelman. Marriage proposal was withing 1 months minimum….
Divorce rate was much much lower that in America….
When ‘democracy’ along with Hollwood culture spread in most if the country, of course , morals and everything went to drain… Draining at fast rate… Through men mostly was growing in the families, so they did see themselves as family man, so it still culture of marriages. But like I said, it deteorating, and mostly because women have sex before not just marriage , or proposal, just because they want to have sex…There was a saying, if I will do a free interpretation, it will be : ‘You die from what you were fighting for’…… Free sex free with no obligations relationship… Oh, there is an expression in America: Why buy a caw when milk is free… That’s it.

Reply September 21, 2014, 8:09 am

charlotte

Hi,I’ve been a 8 yr on & off relationship,I’m in such pain rt now,I’m reaching out for advice.we have been back together for last 5months he just broke it off 3days ago,I’m going crazy,all because I made a comment about a guy sitting at a table when we were at dinner,this guy was just staring at his phone like he was watching a movie for over hr,that was it,he said it upset him talking about other guys & I was putting him down all night cause when I got home I text him & said I feel alone,he replied dnt take a hot bath & relax,I replied y cnt u just say what I want to hear for once,we had been drinking,I lost him cause of this,I need help!!I’ve been texting him doing & saying the wrong things,I dnt want to make him more upset I just want him back,I need help

Reply September 21, 2014, 3:47 am

no more overseas

Sounds like you were drank writing also. I just can see you drinking, wheeping , using Kleenex, and drinking more…… Sorry to say but you are doomed in that relationship.
8 years on and off? Some girls said even more.
If for the second time he did back to you without a ring, screw him over and fly free….

Reply September 21, 2014, 7:51 am

Sabrina Alexis

I honestly think a break is probably the best thing for both of you right now. I obviously don’t know the entire story (and I’m sure there’s a lot that has gone down over the last 8 years), but from what you wrote this doesn’t sound healthy. My advice is stop reaching out to him and try your best to stop thinking about him. Focus on yourself for now, focus on finding happiness in yourself, focus on feeling good about who you are. Try to imagine the kind of relationship you want for yourself. How does he treat you? How are your interactions? How do you feel around him? I’m assuming an on/off relationship filled with jealousy and anxiety and fighting is NOT the happily ever after you have in mind. Meditate on what it is you DO want and hopefully that will help you distance yourself from what you don’t want. And don’t try to force a response out of him or push for the relationship. Just leave it alone for now and focus on yourself. If he’s the right guy and this is the right relationship, it will work out. If he isn’t, then he won’t and you will already be on your way to moving on.

Reply September 30, 2014, 10:56 am

Martina

so you observe something and he makes drama out of it. you feel guilty and beg him back.
you complain and he offers you solution – prove enough that he cares somehow. and you blame him back.
for 8 years. How do you manage to keep your own sanity?

You both seems not to be on right place. As Sabrina wisely suggests, you should focus on yourself and your happiness so you can learn from it and not call for own survival in your mind, that is the edge.

Maybe you guys are wrong match, or don’t understand each other they way you should – what ever reason it is, you should not allow relationship to become toxic – because you want him to be happy if you love him and you should be happy too. Even if that means being happier apart.

try if it works for you for few months, go for therapy if needed and you will see things clearer – in a year or so. allow yourself some time, that is wise. Than you will become your best guide and will know what to do .

Reply October 3, 2014, 11:32 am

jimmy

sod him charlotte. a lasting, loving relationship isn’t full of drama.

Reply February 15, 2015, 11:08 am

Jam

Advice is just that, advice. Its not one size fits all. And everything you posted in the second paragraph is EXACTLY what they say on this site, lol…and Eckart Tolle’s teachings are prophetic, all we ever have is the present which is what should keep us at ease enough to attract the right people and relationships. But I do agree that the sex thing is not focused on enough, there IS a such thing as having sex too soon and too soon for me is anytime before he asks to be in a relationship. They should tell women to keep those legs shut if they are seeking long-term. Period. And I also use to think women who never went without boyfriends had better relationships, but it only seems that way because they are dating guys they aren’t that interested in, which makes them get treated better because they don’t have any of the usual “does he like me ” anxieties, they don’t care, meaning they are usually not that happy in those relationships that seem so great. They are mostly no good being single and any sap will do. 🙂

Reply September 20, 2014, 7:28 am

Bea

🙂

Reply September 24, 2014, 4:13 pm

me overseas again

What science.? Can you elaborate please, for me at least. I know Latin saying ‘Scientia potentia est’ so I want have that power of knowledge what you know 🙂

Reply September 24, 2014, 4:20 pm

Jam

Honey, I’m not single. But I was for a while until I met a guy who treated me great. There are struggles being single and struggles to have a relationship, neither is easier than the other. You have classic grass is greener on the other side syndrome. And I read this article because in the past this has happened and I was intrigued by the message in my inbox. Everybody reading this is not sad or lonely. You sound quite bitter. After being married and divorced, I have been that female that everyone envied because it looked great on the outside. And to be honest my current guy didn’t show up in my life until I didn’t care whether I was single or not. I refused to obsess about that. Funny how that goes. And I didn’t say anything about science. Everything that glitters isn’t gold. There is an aggression in your message that speaks volumes about the fact that you just don’t get it and prefer to play the blame game. Blame Sabrina, Eric and Eckert and I bet you still won’t get what you’re looking for. Real answers are not found externally. Btw, your sarcasm was cute, until I realized you were attempting to insult me. 🙂

Reply September 24, 2014, 5:50 pm

Jam

Wrong person 🙂

Reply September 24, 2014, 6:30 pm

me overseas again

damn those reply buttons… Sorry for the confusion 🙁

Reply September 24, 2014, 8:56 pm

Jam

Honey, I’m not single. But I was for a while until I met a guy who treated me great. You have to learn how to be happy no matter what is going on in your life. There are struggles being single and struggles to have a relationship, neither is easier than the other. You have classic grass is greener on the other side syndrome. And I read this article because in the past this has happened and I was intrigued by the message in my inbox. Everybody reading this is not sad or lonely. You sound quite bitter. After being married and divorced, I have been that female that everyone envied because it looked great on the outside. And to be honest my current guy didn’t show up in my life until I didn’t care whether I was single or not. I refused to obsess about that. Funny how that goes. And I didn’t say anything about science. Everything that glitters isn’t gold. There is an aggression in your message that speaks volumes about the fact that you just don’t get it and prefer to play the blame game. Blame Sabrina, Eric and Eckert and I bet you still won’t get what you’re looking for. Real answers are not found externally. Btw, your sarcasm was cute, until I realized you were attempting to insult me. 🙂

Reply September 24, 2014, 5:53 pm

me overseas again

You know what, I had now idea I was insulting you..
What is a matter with you? You sounds angry at world for some reason.
As a matter of fact, you said : “I’d rather listen to science”, so I was asking you, what science?! No more

Reply September 24, 2014, 6:14 pm

liz

I definitely understand this article. I have always noticed that guys were always attracted to me most when I was least interested in them. However after coming out of a long term relationship I totally forgot about all this and ended up showing too much interest in a guy, which lead to things ending between us. However since then he recently contacted me, but I didn’t respond back because I didn’t want him to be under the impression that I am still really interested. I am now wondering will he reach out to me again? Because he honestly used a really lame excuse to contact me. I don’t think he really has any other excuses to use contact me, and I know he will definitely not put himself out there by just contacting without an excuse. So I guess my question really is there a way that I can get him to text me again without coming off as I’m the one pursuing him? I really don’t have any real excuses I could use for contacting him, and I can’t reply back to his text now because its old now.

Reply September 18, 2014, 10:52 am

Sabrina Alexis

The questions you are asking are fundamentally flawed because the only way to get the relationship you want is to NOT stress over it. If you find yourself plotting and planning, you’re on the wrong track. You can’t *make* anyone do anything. Nothing you say or do will make him text you. If you want to have an amazing relationship, put the focus on really loving yourself and loving your life. Get yourself to an empowered place where you realize the right guy will come along and when you do meet a guy you have potential with you’re attitude will be “If this works out, great. If not, I’ll be fine and onto the next.” The stress and worrying is what ruins relationships. If you can get that under control, your relationships as well as your overall wellbeing and happiness will dramatically improve.

Reply September 30, 2014, 11:11 am

Jam

Hi Sabrina,
This is so perfect and well written. This was one of those moments when something is explained in a specific way that makes perfect sense. Thanks.

Reply September 17, 2014, 5:31 pm

Amy Poole

The advice on this website is second to none. All true. Whether women want to believe it or not. I thank you so much for your writings and I have found the information true and informative and invaluable.

Reply September 17, 2014, 4:34 pm

Martina

Amy, no one says they are liars and we don’t believe man are the way they are. In that, they don’t do bad job at all.
Its cool we understand. But relationships are now under bigger picture, as feminism, anthropology and philosophy as so far only men’s psychology seems to be under the spotlight. Many things has changed.To understand the way of MEN are, is just not simply going to solve
new patterns in relationships of 21 century. We need completely new model and rules.

Not just to understand our sexes, but he world and where we stand in it. And thats were we would like to challenge relationship coaches to be more complex and not just men-explanatory,because men are not happy and women are not happy.

Sabrina can understand a man, but its a problem if he doesn’t understand himself in this world and has no idea how to deal with woman of this century,neither what she needs.

Reply September 17, 2014, 4:52 pm

Martina

I have been reading your articles for some time and i think u forgot to point out
On important factor as RESPECT for female anthropology.
All those articles from a male coaches are just about how to make happy man.

I think world has changed and guys should start to think how to make happy woman
Of 21 century, as we are in charge of happiness as well.

Sure,i agree, i can do that. enjoy time with a guy…when i am in my 20’s.
But if i am thirty i think-it takes me 2 years to properly know him. 4 years till our sex life witll start to fade. And by the time i am 35. If i have want to have a baby ever, i have max 1 more shot if this was not the right choice.

To forget a woman in me, which doesn’t have time, neither apparently understanding of a man if he wont make me official and safe- its kind of shovinistic.

I wont do everything to make my guy happy because I am woman.
Sorry Eric:)

Ps. There are real man that are aware of this and can handle pressure. Those who can’t are just not men enough.

Yes i understand it doesn’t feel right,but maybe guys should also think what they do wrong that dynamic is not great to make a woman happy.
Women are who is choosing,not the other round.

Reply September 17, 2014, 3:33 pm

Bea

hi-five sister !! so what if men lose interest? oh i know why they lost interest – its because of fear , nothing more nothing less. Most men are just a bunch of cowards.

Reply September 17, 2014, 4:06 pm

Martina

Well to be fair,they think we are bunch of sluts then.

But what has changed is that we brought the same right to the sexuality.

Its a myth we are less horny, but its a myth we are less loyal.

feminism and power kind of confused them. We have right to their money after divorce, no wonder they fear. We are quite in power.

so they just need to man up.

An average man will rather stay with non opinionated girl that will boost his ego so he feels like a man?

Not good enough nowadays…

Reply September 17, 2014, 4:15 pm

Dejavu

Martina….. Wish I could give you a hug for your comments!!!
A Real man will be ‘man enough’ to have that talk with the girl he is dating to ascertain if they are both on the same page, rather being repelled by her enthusiasm! In fact, he should be flattered !
I am quite opinionated and recently met someone online who couldn’t tell a joke from a poke!!! It did my head cause we were having little arguments over comments I made such as ‘ let’s go somewhere I can loosen you up a bit!!!!’. Personally, any man repelled by an assertive independent woman who wants the cards on the table to avoid time wasting ….. is insecure!!!!

Reply September 17, 2014, 4:41 pm

Martina

hmm…well, insecurity of men is another topic:) we all have been there:)

What i miss in these articles is – fair enough if you explain me how men think, but explain me please,why I am anxious too.
And most importantly-how to get rid of this anxiety?

I miss equality, clarification, and solution.
Shall all women go to therapy or pay for the coaching? How about men ? Do u think if Sabrina and Eric would write for a men they would have as big market?

I am sorry for women that blames themselves, they have put pressure, or did this and that. And many of women i have known or heard about are on therapy cause they really think they are just not getting this right. They pay for it and some of them think they are crazy cause they suspected a guy that they bled so much was in fact genuine. In fact he cheated, or wasn’t on the same page,but didn’t want to say it not to ” hurt them”, or wasn’t so much into them. Or was just bachelor or whatever. They think its their fault,that they are lonely, unsafe and anxious.

But its not. Its 21 century, i must repeat things has changed and I call for equality. If you have a business that is suppose to help women, don’t just tell them how male experience things but also how female responds to it and why female gets scared and anxious and how to get rid of that anxiety ( realistically and with an empathy) . Because articles like this in a subtle way hurts maybe many woman (and i understand – this wasn’t an intention) but they create impressions, that its us who just didn’t get it right.

And i think that would just be too many women not bright enough, which i doubt. So clearly-knowing men’s psychology is cool for learning an emotional control and a bit of manipulation, but its not sorting out yet the devastating statistics.

But yeah, therapists earn more money. Obviously.

September 17, 2014, 6:30 pm

Jam

FYI: men and women choose each other, women have to learn how to make better choices and how to be okay with being single if they ever want a relationship to be proud of. Women claim to be the superior thinking gender all the time but constantly find themselves playing the victim role in relationships with men.

Reply September 18, 2014, 12:56 am

Martina

Agree, and that actually works for life in general:)

Reply September 18, 2014, 3:20 am

Listening

Yes. The man himself, his levels of maturity and his intentions are as or more important as what a women does or doesn’t do. There is nothing you can do about an immature man. Either you can put up with it or you want happiness and leave it.

Reply August 2, 2016, 7:17 pm

Shawniece Eppes

I understand this article to a point.I still do not understand why guys lose interest so fast in the beginning. I am not lucky with guys at all. They be nice and sweet and give me compliments to laughing and flirting for the first two days but after that they leave, be M.I.A (no date). I been single for an year now and its been going on and on every since. I have gave up on love cause of it. I been hurt to being taken advantage of. I just wish one time a guy would not leave even its just only in the friend zone. Is there a solution or its just how life is???

Reply September 17, 2014, 3:25 pm

Martina

Oh no. Don’t give up. Guys are just spoiled by choices.
I am from other country and i can tell you we don’t experience this phenomena as much.

Is easy for guys nowadays as we made it easy. U want more? Someone else will be happy with less. Just find a real man and let them know thats what u r after.

Its too easy to go with the flow.

Reply September 17, 2014, 3:37 pm

Jam

The way men ‘should’ think is separate from what actually is. The reason why men generally have the upper hand in the beginning is because women give it to them by obsessing about the future and also women are on average much more interested in creating a relationship than men. Bottom line. Men don’t think wrong, they think the way they think. A females protection from being used and discarded is to create her own standards and rules. I don’t have sex too soon, I don’t initiate dates/contact in the beginning and I don’t create a huge list of expectations just because I have decided he is a potential mate. Its not fair. You will find yourself always railing against the system if you attempt to adjust/FIX the way men think about relationships. The female is not law. Relationships are not easy so I think its great that men hesitate before making the jump and the ones that don’t are not ‘unreal men’ they are actually as real as men get. If they thought the way we did then relationships would be a breeze. Also, you should start a blog that addresses how women should look outward to have better relationships if you truly think looking to try and change men would be helpful. But the variable I have control over is me, so I will stick with looking within. When we become stronger and smarter women we attract stronger and smarter men. And we begin to learn the difference. Men and women are different, I don’t want equality in every area, I like when men open doors, plan dates and pay for outings, I also like being pursued. I’m not going to ask any man about where a relationship is going, that’s giving away too much personal power, but what I will do is keep dating around keep my cookies to myself and know that the right man won’t need to be convinced. Relationship anxiety is a female driven issue. If he doesn’t want me its not even his lost, it just wasn’t meant. Some women want to keep approaching this topic from the outside and nine times out of ten our recurring issues are because of our own doing.

Reply September 18, 2014, 12:45 am

Martina

Jam, i think you misunderstood me.

1. Superiority is not what we are asking for. Its equality. Which comes to your second point.

2. This is not about fight of sexes. We achieved rights,but men developed new ways how to get to sex, which are more sophisticated. And that is where we go trough vanishing acts etc. because sometimes its a LIE. I am not blaming good or honest men that say what they are up to.

3. Is hard to generalise women what they should do. some women only want to have a family and they simply are not happy on their own. Some have been so used that they feel really bad. I think i miss a bit of empathy there. And some have passions and don’t mind. Same like men. So i cannot have a blog and advise women in their biological peak off HOW to be on their own.

4. I wrote this to challenge Coaches to bring us something new and complex.

5. Its not about sex-we can have sex too soon and stay detached as men do too. We have right to be super horny in our peek off. Where we feel used is where men apply strategies like pampering, saying all those words and then disappear without explanation. They developed this as women became more powerful in their choices. To explain things honestly and from the start is about being human and fair. And trust me honest men who can say what they are up to, are out there as well. Depends what we are choosing as u said.

6. My whole point is that we are biologically different and therefore none should asks us” keep calm” when you fear. Its our nature. Some men understand it, but as per what I read and see, lately most of them don’t. And this is phenomenal comparing 70 years ago and I simply don’t think that coaching focused on men psychology helps us in other way than better emotional control or manipulation. and we need more than that.

Reply September 18, 2014, 3:51 am

Martina

There is a big demand of being a super woman. Being successful, beautiful, independent – we all know how time consuming this all is to maintain all the hobbies and friends and look and successful work progress so I don’t know where to place a guy in this terms.

so my point is that with all this attempt being a super woman we forget of our nature and we this IT’S a weakness to be women, fear of not being protected and safe. We are still women, and we still need to feel safe. We are just not quiet about it anymore, that’s what is different.

Normal man tells me : lets see for 2 -3 months, if it works, its nonsense not to have it real. If it doesn’t, one would be silly to stay so lets break things off. Fair enough.

But most common scenario is that after 6 months he still doesn’t know what he wants, if he wants, how he wants it, and if you confront him, cannot commit to you, cannot commit to leave,he vanishes or act distant-and we all know power of silent treatment, and silent treatment is form of an emotional abuse and out there are coaches advising ” stay calm”.

And sorry, if a man shows ANY FORM of this treatment,that’s not a man enough. So I wouldn’t be sorry for someone like this, just because poor him, doesn’t know why he feels the way he feels.

So we are not hurt cause we are used for SEX. We are hurt cause we often feel used and abused MENTALLY.

September 18, 2014, 4:53 am

Shawniece Eppes

I just feel like I’m not compatible with no other guy..I have no option but to be single. every female out here can be lucky but me

Reply September 18, 2014, 1:09 pm

Jam

50% of women are consistently single at any given time, you’ll get your chance and will likely miss being single, I often do.

Reply September 18, 2014, 1:13 pm

overseas again

I hear you…
It because we know what we want, ans it is not possible, or maybe call it destine, fate, etc to be single. It’s like some woman can not have children, even they want so bad. or it’s being a cafeteria worker but not a prominent lawyer…

Reply September 18, 2014, 1:49 pm

Listening

Yes it’s too easy for men now. They can get another girl who doesnt ask for anything from them and will sleep with them for no commitment, so they’ll drop you and take that. It’s not right.

Reply August 2, 2016, 7:18 pm

Jane

That was a very good article from start from
Finish and I really needed to read some of that to understand some things!
Love your writing!

Jane

Reply September 17, 2014, 2:55 pm

Claudia

Sabrina, even if all you said is true it’s such a bunch of BS! Any man who can’t hang on because a woman asks a few questions is NOT worth wanting anyway!!!! Now I realize it’s not a good idea to drone on and on about where the relationship is going, if it is in fact a relationship, is he interested, etc. BUT if a guy can’t even tell you to knock off the questions (or something like that) and instead he just disappears, then he’s not the guy for you anyway. Because ALL women ask those questions, especially if you’ve gone to bed with him, or think a good man has finally shown up. The best way to determine if he really is a good man is to ask some questions. If he runs, it’s for the best!! I know from experience – if a man is really a good man, he will answer your dumbass questions or just tell you to stop asking. He won’t run away because he KNOWS that ALL women ask these questions.

I can’t stand the way you and Eric don’t support women enough. It seems like you guys always defend men, no matter what they do. I realize that only women read your messages, but please try to empower women to just simply move on if a guy is wrong. And women SHOULD run some tests (let them be called tests, who cares) to see if a guy is a good guy or not – one of them being to ask some questions!

Reply September 17, 2014, 2:22 pm

Sabrina Alexis

Claudia- I think you are misunderstanding what I was saying in the article. Nowhere did I say don’t ask him questions and don’t wonder where things are going. What I was saying is to try to not invest in your mind so fast…before you even know what’s where. Until a relationship is something, you have nothing. The problem is a lot of women see a glimmer of hope, they see the potential and the possibilities and they create this fantasy in their minds of where things could go and THAT’s when it becomes an issue. When you are investing in a reality that doesn’t exist yet (i.e. you and a guy you just started seeing being in a committed relationship even though it’s only been 2 dates), you take yourself out of the present moment and aren’t able to relate to him and get to know him. Guys can feel that energy and that’s what puts them off. It’s not about you wanting to know where things are going or asking him questions. What I’m describing in this article is a very internal process.. it’s a mindset that affects your overall vibe.
This site is not about defending men, it’s about explaining men. When I was younger and getting my heart bashed in over and over the one thing I wanted was clarity. I wanted to understand why he did what he did. When I created this site, my mission was to give women the kind of clarity that I was so desperate for, to give them answers to the questions I spent years trying to find answers to. This site is not about feeding you what you want to hear and sugar coating what’s going on. We try to speak truth in a compassionate way, but truth is truth and it isn’t always what you want to hear. Men are not the enemy. Women are not the enemy. We all need to focus on finding love and happiness within ourselves and compassion and understanding for those around us. That is the recipe for a truly happy life.

Reply September 17, 2014, 2:36 pm

Martina

Sabrina,with all respect..maybe you should explain men what women need,not the other way round. We have heard too much about wrong vibe. Maybe the vibe would be good again if guys are not such pussies and get over the pressure as real men,not under.

Look what we did as women- our naked posters are everywhere. Men were more men before it wasn’t this way. And now- they are not enemies,thats why we love them, but they just took over the new model “i don’t have to”.

Reply September 17, 2014, 3:46 pm

Katy

I have known men who have been the same, pushing to find out if you want a future and men who are anxious and insecure about it too. Most normal humans beings have some insecurities, unless they have sociopathic type personalities, then they don’t give a hoot about anyone.

Reply August 4, 2015, 10:37 am

Martina

Yeah,thats what they do. Poor guys,we don’t make them happy and its our fault.

Lol. This is 21 century. they don’t make US happy, cause there is enough easy and independent girls. They simply don’t have to man up and loosing masculinity.

Reply September 17, 2014, 3:40 pm

Bea

We gotta stop glorifying men !!

Reply September 17, 2014, 3:44 pm

Martina

Yes,because its too weird that every woman goes trough the same scenario. We don’t understand a man! How many men comparing to us reads article how to make woman happy and safe? very few!

its us who make effort. And now its time to get our power and our choice back.

Traditions are traditions because they work.

Reply September 17, 2014, 3:54 pm

Darcy

What happens if after 13 yrs of off/on dating long distance, the man tells you he loves you , has always loved you but never told you and only wants to see you and nobody else and then when your skeptical and tell him to prove it, he disappears? I guess when I told him I’d like to visit his home town after all these years and that maybe it’d be nice to take a vacation together to see if we can learn how to be a couple, instead of only seeing him on his business trips, his whole tune changed. We’ve never discussed love or seeing each other exclusively all these years and I was hesitant to believe he would want it now, all of a sudden. I thought when I ended things a year ago and went no contact, that maybe he missed me and had a change of heart but when pressed for something more, he made up excuses. We’re both 60 yrs old and I guess the game playing never stops. He supposedly is divorced for many years now but his actions prove otherwise. I’m not heartbroken but disillusioned. Why would you feel you have to lie after all this time and I wonder if maybe he was feeling it but I screwed it up by asking for more of his off time.

Reply September 17, 2014, 1:27 pm

Rosana

I just starting recently seeing someone, and this article came right on time I have been seeing this guy for about a month and I think he’s wonderful, and I enjoy the time we spend together. But at the same time found myself overwhelmed with the thought of losing out on this new opportunities for love. I was getting caught up in what could be, and not what is going on right now. Which from now I am going to focus more on who he is and the energetic, fun, woman, that I am, and hope it works out.

Reply September 17, 2014, 12:32 pm

Katy

I think it is natural to contemplate what the future might be, even at an early stage, if we didn’t think ahead and have foresight we could be caught out in the near or distant future – a bit like politicians are lol

Reply August 4, 2015, 10:42 am

oh please

most of the time, the reason we become anxious because we sense he’s not into the relationship to begin with.

stop blaming yourselves

Reply September 17, 2014, 12:28 pm

Lara

I agree100%. It what I have said commenting the sfyicke to my girl friends!!!!!

Reply September 17, 2014, 4:07 pm

Anonymous

Very very correct !! And please don’t forget that all women are inherently born with that sixth sense or intuition thing. They have much more stronger instincts than men, they can certainly sniff something fishy and so we act that way. Because we know he is losing interest . I think at that point itself the game is over. The moment you doubt means this was not the right match for you and your natural instincts are hinting you to get rid of something that is not right for you.

Reply January 28, 2016, 3:20 am

Listening

Yes

Reply August 2, 2016, 7:24 pm

shelby

Wow. After my last experience, this was exactly what i needed to read. Thanks so much!

-shel

Reply September 17, 2014, 12:23 pm

Sarah

So this article makes sense to me. It truly does. However, when is it okay to ever try and expand on the relationship? It also makes sense to me that after a while (several weeks or so) of this fantastic thing you’ve got going on to naturally want to dig a little deeper. Not that you want to force an unrealistic relationship but that it’s at a point where your conversation and time together can become more meaningful and emotionally driven. So how do you break that plain without causing them to run? Honestly I’m sitting in this situation right now. I don’t want “commitment”. But I do want to know that it is progressing. We have a blast when we are together. The in person stuff hasn’t changed at all really. Just the in between the in person times if that makes sense.

Reply September 17, 2014, 12:20 pm

Sabrina Alexis

All you need to do is be present and enjoy your time with him. The minute you start planning how to turn it unto something other than what it is it becomes a problem. This is NOT to say you should never discuss the relationship. You don’t want to be in a situation where you stagnate for months or years. At the same time, if it’s the right relationship and you enjoy each other, then it will naturally progress and move in that direction. What you’re doing now is making a strategy. When you do that you remove yourself from the situation and you’re not being present and that changes the entire dynamic. For now, just focus on having a great time when you’re with him and remove the worries and fears that he’ll run. Having those fears is a product of your own insecurities and getting a relationship title won’t fix it. Just enjoy it, that’s really all there is.

Reply September 17, 2014, 2:41 pm

amy

I totally appreciate this article, and I understand the theory; but what about us women that know what kind of relationship we’re ready for, and being upfront about that? I feel that being upfront often turns men off, too, but honestly I feel like I’d be wasting my time if I weren’t transparent about what I want.
I get that men pull away when a woman is expecting the relationship to become this fantastical thing she’s dreamed up in her head, because they’re having so much fun; and at that point, it becomes not fun anymore.
But what about when the guys pull away, because I’m upfront about what kind of relationship I want? I’m not telling these guys you have to be boyfriend-material when I go out with them; but I am very clear about not wanting a vague casual-hookup non-committal type of relationship, because I’m tired of getting the fade out heart-breaker guys.
Sometimes that turns men off too, and they fade out too. But I’m at a point in my life, where I have to do something different, because the way I’ve been seeing guys just isn’t working, and I’m over the casual hookup thing.
It’s so frustrating to want what you want, but you have to act like you don’t want it, just to keep them interested and not scared off, because men seem scared or allergic to commitment, or the possibility of actually being with one great woman.

Reply September 17, 2014, 11:52 am

Sabrina Alexis

Okay this article is NOT about pretending not to want things and I did not once say you should never voice your wants and expectations. What I’m speaking against is creating a relationship in your mind before you even really know the person. For instance, when I was younger after like 2 dates with a great guy I would latch on forcefully, at least in my mind. I would get so excited about the possibilities, so excited to have a boyfriend, so excited to have a date to family functions etc. But I barely knew the guy! However I began to invest in the fantasy and then I became terrified of losing it. If I didn’t hear from him I would panic and it would leave me constantly stressed and on edge. Instead of enjoying whatever we had, I was always thinking of where it was going, of how he felt. When your wheels are spinning like this you emit a nervous sort of energy and it’s off putting. You would be put off by a guy who did the same thing, I know I have. I’ve dated plenty of guys who completely killed any attraction I felt by being too desperate. It’s not about what you say or scaring men away. It’s about where your head is and why you are attaching to this fantasy relationship. For a lot of women, finding lasting love makes them somehow worthy. We’ve been conditioned this way by society. Just compare Jennifer Aniston to George Clooney for a moment. While for years she was America’s pity case because she was single and child-less, he was celebrated for being an eternal bachelor, a silver fox (granted they’re both engaged now or whatever, but you get the point). A woman who has firm boundaries is actually incredibly appealing to a man and if a man really likes you, he won’t be scared away if you express what you want and need. But what matters is your reason. If you see having a relationship as a means to fill you up and give you something you can’t give yourself, then it’s going to freak a guy out and push him away. If you are happy in your life and want a relationship because you want to share your wonderful life with someone, then he will probably be more attracted to you. It all comes down to your mood and your mindset.

Reply September 17, 2014, 2:49 pm

amy

I understand, thanks for your response. My last sentence was just frustration. I used to get wrapped up in a fantasy, too, or try to play it cool; but I try to avoid that these days by being more vocal about about my wants and needs through being honest with myself, rather than letting my heart get broken when they disappear from my fantasy. Being realistic. If they don’t share the same desires, they weren’t right for me at that time. I agree though, about wanting to be in a relationship, not because of need.

Reply September 17, 2014, 3:26 pm

Katy

What about Cliff Richard, the eternal batchelor? A lot of people seem to think he is just weird. Kylie is very often single and has no children, but people don’t pity her and say poor Kylie, that I know of.
….but on the other hand, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be in a loving relationship and wanting to be secure and happy, as I said before, they are human emotions and only pscyhopaths/sociopaths are devoid of them, many men as well as women want and have good relationships, and shouldn’t be made to feel bad for not being happy when single…..plus people don’t have an on/off switch for their emotions and suggesting you act against them probably wouldn’t work.

Reply August 4, 2015, 10:55 am

Katy

But relationships are supposed to be fulfilling and you can’t give yourself one.

Reply August 4, 2015, 11:00 am

Anna

I have a question after reading about why a guy suddenly loses interest. Is there anyway to rectify those mistakes us women make in “pushing” a relationship? In my case I did all those things but in a long distance “friendship” that was nearing 4 years I felt it was time to ask if we were working towards more of a relationship. Right now he’s pulled away and if there’s any suggestion you may have to kind of “start over” I would greatly appreciate the advice.

Sincerely….

Reply September 16, 2014, 10:50 pm

Sabrina Alexis

I truly believe that if it’s the right relationship, you should never have to plot or plan or find a strategy to get the outcome you want. In your case, if it’s been 4 years and he didn’t want to move things forward, it’s a pretty strong indicator that he doesn’t see this as a long-term thing. I would just spend this time focusing on yourself and doing things you enjoy and that make you happy. Find fulfillment in other areas of your life and see what else is out there. Don’t “start over” in an attempt to reel him back. Work on moving forward and moving past this relationship. If he truly cares about you, he’ll step it up. If he doesn’t then he was never going to and you should be grateful you aren’t wasting anymore time.

Reply September 17, 2014, 11:30 am

Anna

Thanks Sabrina. Hardest thing I will ever have to try to do. He did say he cared about me but “care” is sometimes kind of generic…I guess time will tell. Thanks for replying.

Reply September 17, 2014, 12:00 pm

Anna

Thanks Sabrina. Hardest thing I will ever have to try to do is give up. He said he cares about me but sometimes “care” is kind of generic…but I guess time will tell. Thank you for replying.

Reply September 17, 2014, 12:05 pm

angelica

What does it mean when your ex wants to stay friends?

Reply September 16, 2014, 10:33 pm

Sabrina Alexis

It’s hard to give a definitive meaning to anything without knowing the context (and even if you do…sometimes we just don’t know why people do!), but if he wants to stay friends it most likely means he isn’t ready to fully let you go and even though he knows a relationship won’t work, he still cares about you as a person and wants you in his life. But don’t think about what he wants, think about what YOU want and what is going to be the most beneficial to you. If having him in your life is going to make it harder to move on and meet other guys then it probably isn’t a good idea.

Reply September 17, 2014, 11:32 am

Overseas in America

Just had the same offer two weeks ago via email from my ex too, with all his big sorry he hurt me so much, after I finally forced break up with him days before with shutting my phone down. He was a coward to come to my place and talk to me…
Anyway I just ignored the offer, like I have never have received that email, because I knew, he wanted feel good about himself while leaving me literally and figuratively heartbroken.. He did couple of other communication attempts days apart. It all just made me feel bad and put me back to the same sorrow for myself cycle, just when I was rebounding and was doing well. Did not wanted write/call him, anything, to say, stop doing it forever, because read somewhere that it only like ask for an attention (to yourself, your need, etc), right?

Reply September 17, 2014, 10:38 pm

linda armster

Thank you u just gave me a reality check. I appreciate that

Reply September 16, 2014, 6:22 pm

Bea

Its best to have a connection over a relationship, understanding over commitment… and then you will realize you have everything 🙂

Reply September 16, 2014, 5:19 pm

Tracey

Great article!! Very eye opening for me…. makes a lot of sense.

Reply September 16, 2014, 2:42 pm

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