The No Contact Rule: Everything You Need to Know post image

The No Contact Rule: Everything You Need to Know


… (Previous page – The No Contact Rule: Everything You Need to Know) that it’s up to you to draw the line in the sand, as hard as that will be. You don’t want to do it because you want him in your life and you want him back and you’re afraid if you cut him off then he’ll be gone forever. That’s a possibility, but if he doesn’t come back then it means the relationship was never going to last anyway, and at least you cut it off early instead of letting things drag on for an indefinite amount of time.

Just remember, why would you ever want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you? Why would you want to invest in someone who no longer wants to invest in you? You’re worth way more than that!

If he keeps contacting you, just kindly tell him you need space to focus on yourself and your own life. Don’t be cruel or nasty about it, be casual, calm, and composed. He will probably be taken aback by your new attitude, but don’t let that change things. Remember, take time for you. Make yourself the priority during this time.

That’s what the no contact rule is all about—helping you get to a better place emotionally and mentally. It’s about getting the necessary perspective that can only come with some distance from him and the relationship. The no contact rule can get you the exact relationship you’ve always wanted because it gives you time to focus on yourself and your relationship needs and decide who is really right for you. Maybe it’s your ex, but more likely it’s someone new.

Hope this cleared up any lingering confusion. Be sure to take our “Can I Get My Ex Back Or Is He Gone Forever?” quiz to know if you’re wastng time on a dead end.

Lots of love,
Sabrina Alexis

24 comments… add one

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Jenna

Hi Sabrina/Monique,

I get the essence of this article. It’s true. Change takes time and when we get rid of all the assumptions, anticipations, expectations, and future predictions, we are left with two, extremely simple outcomes. A. Either I realise that I CAN live without him, so I move on and get a new life or B. He realises that he DOESN’T want to live without me and comes back.

But when you say “spend time with friends”, I feel kinda… scared. There are memories, lots and lots of them. These are the ones I want to put into a box, wrap it up and throw it out for good. But meeting my friends… well, they all know and they all want to talk about the only thing I want to never talk about. They want to tell me I’m going to be ok (which is really sweet of them), they want tell me that if he is gone, I’ll find someone better.. some, very few, even give me hopes (which I absolutely should not encourage if I want to make this journey about me recovering)… The point is, everyone wants to talk about him and me and I find it absolutely uncomfortable. Telling them won’t help, because let’s face it.. we all know that in the end, that’ll be the hottest topic to discuss and I’ll be left nostalgic, even more lost and hopeless than before.

But being without friends, being alone.. that’s too negative for my own good, and quite honestly, I am the anti-social kind. My family and specially my dog keep me relaxed for a bit, but then I get back to feeling lost again.

So…What do I do?

Reply June 20, 2017, 12:53 pm

Meek

Hello this is exactly what I needed to help me get through my no contact period. Every time I want to contact my ex I look up the things on no contact to help me push through it. Truth is I fell in love with this man that I have known for over 12 years. We dated briefly in the beginning but nothing serious. We remain distant friends for years but not close. Any time I would see him we showed great interest in each other. He would even message me on facebook asking if we could speak or hang out but I never really took the bait. Eventually we started talking and seeing each other. We fell in love with each other, and when I needed to move from my place he stepped up and said lets do it together. He is paralyzed, finding a place to accommodate him was not easy but I tried and did the best I could. I ended up staying with him a lot so he never really stayed in the apt I found for us. I overlooked it because of his disability and the location of the apartment. Then there was talk of getting a car together but the first car we did not get because he had to send money to his son to prepare for college. My co-worker sold me a cheap car and it sat in my driveway because I do not drive. I asked him if he still wanted to do it together knowing I don’t drive I won’t expect him to be my chauffer or anything but we are together and I don’t drive so just make sure I am straight. He agreed, he registered the car and was responsible for the upkeep and insurance even though I did pay a couple tickets and put a few dollars into it he has maintained the car entirely. He has also changed completely towards me in a real foul mean like way. I am very considerate I don’t drive so I only called if I needed him to bring me home but I would ask way in advance. I would also ask what he was doing to be sure that I was not compromising anything he had going on. Also I told him he did not have to get me from work due to traffic during that time, I get in town faster on public transportation. He would forget to pick me up but end up home in his bed not bothering to think about where I am at. Then he would get flighty on me when he had to acknowledge something that was wrong. Like forgetting me after agreeing to get me and things way bigger than that. At first I am thinking maybe he don’t realize it but then the more and more I left cheek the mean behavior the worst it got. Then I had to say enough and walk away, well try to. He still has a house full of my things and my house keys. I have used those things as an excuse to keep contacting him. The reality is I want so badly to know that he actually care about me and my feelings even if things didn’t work between us. I cared so much for him that my emptiness feels like the stages of death which is why I know he is not for me. I never want to revisit a feeling like this so I will keep revisiting this site every time I get the urge to contact him.

Reply May 31, 2017, 4:26 pm

Brnbeautie

This is the first article that has gotten the NC RULE CORRECT!!! TRULY A GREAT READ. There are so many articles taking this rule trying to use it as manipulation to get an ex back, instead of self improvement. I’m so happy I finally ran across one that doesn’t promote manipulation, but self awareness, and self growth. Thank you so much for the insight.

Reply May 11, 2017, 11:13 pm

MC

I was seeing this guy for about two months. He is really sweet towards me, really nice in comparison to the other guys I dated before him. I didn’t have the “talk” with him because I know that usually changes things and at that time it’s all fun and I didn’t want to risk chances of freaking him out. He went on a trip with his family for a week and even when he was away he found time to FaceTime me 3 times over the course of his vacation which was a pretty good sign for me of course. When he came back and we saw each other he took me out to dinner, was really sweet towards me, kissing me every red light we hit, holding my hand while he’s driving, and even mentioned about what we should do for our next date. But that night before we went out for dinner, something literally tells me that something has changed. My gut tells me that this might be the last time I’m seeing this guy but of course, I ignored it. And of course, just as I suspected, he disappeared on me. No calls, no messages and I know for sure that he has a working phone (100000% sure). I am pretty happy that he doesn’t have any social media otherwise I would probably be looking into that all the time. Of course I was really upset about it, I tried calling him one night, and of course no answer. And this is when I let my emotions take on the wheel. I sent him an essay telling him that all he has to do is say so if he is no longer interested (in a very respective manner) in seeing me. It’s been almost two days since I sent him my message and not a word from him. I decided to delete him off my contact list, all pictures in my phone, and basically everything and anything that will remind me of him. (So even if I do want to call him, I literally CAN’T). This article made me gain perspective in the situation. Of course it sucks, it hurts and they are basically leaving you all confused and broken, but it says more about their personality. i wouldn’t want someone like him in the long run. When I overcome this, and I know I will, I will probably wonder why I even have him a chance.

Reply March 8, 2017, 3:14 pm

Yvette

Hey, how are u? I was dating somebody for about a 2 months and i decide to sit down with him and asking how we were doing? He told he wasn’t ready for a relationship ( he got out of a bad relationship 6 months ago so would like take it slow) but wouldn’t wanted to lose me… I went throw a horrible situation that effected my emotions and I over reacted in a couple of circunstances after the “talk”. So the last time i become emotional he started cutting me off… He will send msg and will replay immediately if I send one… But its not with the same frequency … He’s home sick and sounds very confused… Should I just move on your be patient?

Reply March 6, 2017, 10:30 pm

Yvette

I’m using the no contact rule for 2 days… And been working on my self for the past 2 weeks…

Reply March 6, 2017, 10:34 pm

Jenny

What if he contacts me? Thanks!

Reply February 3, 2017, 7:40 pm

Monique

You can 1) not reply or 2) just request he gives your space so you can work on yourself

Reply February 25, 2017, 7:59 pm

nancy

I need advice. My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for a little over 3 yrs. It’s been good and we plan on getting married. One day he ask me if material stuff was more important then him. Of course I said no, he than ask me to prove it. I ask how. He ask me to delete any and all pictures and videos and anything that pertains to him. I quickly told him no I couldn’t do it. He was upset and told me that it’s proven that material stuff is more important then him. He says my love is not love just because I didn’t delete the pictures. What do u think?

Reply February 2, 2017, 9:29 pm

Monique

This seems like a strange request and this in no way proves that material things are more important to you. Honestly, this sounds like he is testing your boundaries. If you do not feel comfortable, deleting the pictures, then don’t. Having boundaries/ saying no is important in relationships.

Reply February 25, 2017, 7:58 pm

Katherine

A guy I’ve dated for about 4 weeks said he felt things have been moving way to fast (this was after I asked him about getting into a relationship) I told him I’d be happy to slow things down and he said he would think on it. A few days after hearing nothing I told him I agree things were moving fast and it was a lesson learned but I wished him the best and to let me know if he ever wanted to catch up or take the time to properly get to know each other and that I would leave it in his court to reach out to me. I still haven’t heard anything and that was days ago, should I still do the no contact for a few weeks and see after that if he would want to grab a drink?

Reply February 2, 2017, 6:07 am

Jenny

I think you need to move on.

Reply February 3, 2017, 8:04 pm

Monique

No. Do not reach out to him. You asked him for a relationship and he could not commit. Don’t chase this guy. If he wants it, I promise he will reach out to you. In the mean time, go on a date with someone else (maybe a few someone else’s!). It doesn’t have to be serious.

Reply February 25, 2017, 7:51 pm

Brnbeautie

I know I’m late, but why were you asking for a relationship after only a month? Why not just date and let things naturally evolve. Women put way too much emphasis on this title and commitment. You screw yourself by doing things that require commitment before you actually have one, then want to put the pressure on the guy. Stay within a safe emotional boundary until you know what he wants from you, then you don’t have to ask for the commitment. Date, have fun, if you can’t have sex without getting attached, then don’t. But in my opinion, a woman never has to ask as long as she’s keeping herself at a safe emotional distance until the guy shows her that he’s serious about her OR establishes the relationship. In other words, stop giving up relationship benefits until you’re in a relationship if you can’t handle it. And FYI you don’t always have to breakup if a guy tells you he’s not ready yet, keep dating within your limits, and keep your options open. And to answer your question….and it’s probably already too late. NO …..UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU HAVE REACHED OUT. YOU SAID YOU WOULD LEAVE IT UP TO HIM, SO DO THAT!!!!

Reply May 11, 2017, 11:29 pm

Dora

Hello,
I need advise on a situation I have found myself in. I dated a guy for about 5 months in 2015. During the time we dated he found a mole on his hand that was cancerous. He had an operation that got the mole removed but during that time he cut me off. Texting me on a few occasions but then didn’t hear from him for a year. He recently contacted me apologising for his behavior saying he was in a bad spot at the time and he should done things a lot differently. We texted constantly for a few days.
Texting him recently brought back the hurt I had experienced and I didn’t reply to one of his messages for 2 weeks. I contacted him recently of which he has ignored my message for 4 days now. I am upset and I don’t know what to do.
I grew so much in the time I didn’t hear from him. I had actually moved on with my life.
I’m not sure what to do now. Please advise me

Reply January 18, 2017, 5:54 am

Lorraine

I broke up with my boyfriend two weeks ago. I have texed him. But in a casual manner. In which he replied casually. We dated for 4 months. 7 months after his wife passed away. He was happily married for 19 years. She was also a friend of mine. He realised he wasn’t ready for a relationship and still grieving for his wife. He moved fast to begin with in our relationship, then became distant. I was always there for him and very understanding when he talked about his wife. He said he was falling in love with me. Then suddenly his feelings changed. I’ve decided to now use the no contact rule. Should I wait for him to contact me or move on ?

Reply January 9, 2017, 8:36 pm

Monique

I would move on. He isn’t emotionally ready for a relationship and it’s hard to say when he will be ready. You should definitely go date other people and if he comes back around, great. But you don’t want to be sitting around, not knowing and basically spinning your wheels trying to figure things out.

Reply February 25, 2017, 7:53 pm

maricelado2

Gay blogging rite, Common photos
/?entry-jeffery

Reply December 24, 2016, 4:23 am

Chime

I am going try this no contact rule coz right now that’s how I feel to stay away n get my head together. Also if it’s meant to be it will be I suppose.

Reply December 9, 2016, 6:34 am

Ally

I have been through the No Contact during 2 months, it’s over this week. I definitely feel better. I understood that what I missed the most was not him but the feeling of having someone who cares for me. So I am not sure now that he is ment for me. Probably we can stay friends or just acquaintants. I offered him to be in no contact so should I contact him first after no contact is over?

Reply December 8, 2016, 11:31 pm

Zanobia

Honesty, Truthfulness, and Communication are very important, but when you aren’t getting that in return its time to focus on yourself and leave him/her alone.

Reply December 8, 2016, 5:41 pm

Karen

The timing of this article is almost spooky. I just emailed an ex to tell him I needed space to get my head together. I was very calm and honest. When he emailed me back, I answered his questions, he said thanks for explaining, and now I am busy working on me. I am pursuing some new career goals and hiking and running a lot. It isn’t easy because I still want to talk to him but he is pursuing a new relationship and him contacting me was not to my benefit. Great article and keep up the good work.

Reply December 8, 2016, 2:26 pm

Kathy

I believe the no contact rule makes people bitter. It’s a childish mind game. You don’t focus on you, you focus on the situation. I was heartbroken for three years from no contact. It all could of been eliminated with honesty. I have no respect for people who do this. Just be honest and give closure. You will be more respected in the end.

Reply December 7, 2016, 8:27 pm

Emma

I respectfully don´t agree with you. I was in a relationship with a guy for over two years, although we never give the boyfriend/girlfriend tittle to each other, we were a couple. Even if neither of us said it, when we were together, we were really a couple. We had some problems before, but we always kept contact through whatsapp and Facebook, this made it all worse. I always felt tempted to check his Facebook to see what he was doing and this attitude drove me insane, what is he doing? is he with another women? has he replaced me already?, it really wasn´t a nice place to be. I always knew he was childish and immature, some friends even told me that, and because our relationship wasn´t “serious” he abruptly stopped talking to me and started to put things in facebook saying things about love and how two people can fall in love, obviously he wasn´t talking about me, he broke my hurt in a million peaces. That night I checked his facebook like an insane person, didn´t sleep even an hour, I cried my eyes out, and felt jealous, disappointed, heartbroken and a fucking mess. Now I miss him like crazy, but i know that cutting all contact with him is the best thing I could do. He might come back to me, he has done this already, he always (al least until now) come back to me, but is that really what I want??, when I´m with him I cant think with clarity, I never listen to my guts (that warned me about this), and I always act according to my feeling that are always influenced by the fact that all I want is to be close to him. So, now I wonder what is wrong with me?, Why?, me a strong independent woman, who already was capable of leaving a toxic long relationship before, waste her time on a men-child that its incapable of recognize a good relationship??, why I waste my time and energy in a men that treats me like I wasn´t good enough?, the answers to all this questions are only gonna be answered if I cut all contact with him, It´s is not a game, it is not dishonest, It is just what I need to do if I want the best for my life, and if I want to stop acting like I wasn´t good enough, even if it hurts like hell.

Reply January 13, 2017, 9:28 am

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