Does he really love me? It’s an extremely common question that confuses and frustrates countless women.
I understand the feelings behind this question. No one wants to be taken advantage of, or be blindsided. And let’s face it, unrequited love sucks. It’s brutally painful to love someone who doesn’t feel the same.
You landed on this article because you want to know if the guy you’re seeing truly loves you. Maybe he hasn’t said those three magical words yet, maybe you’ve been badly hurt in the past, maybe he has said it but you don’t quite believe he means it.
Love is not the same as like. Knowing if a guy likes you is easy. Knowing if he loves you is slightly more complex, but really not as difficult as it seems when you know what to look for. (Make sure to also read this article on the undeniable signs a man is in love with you.)
No matter what the situation, you’re unsure and you’re here for clarity. And I’m very good at providing it!
Take The Quiz: Does He Really Love You?
How to Know If a Person Truly Loves You:
1. The Way He Is Around You
A man in love is a pretty easy creature to spot. Everyone in his life, maybe even strangers on the street, will just see it. They know he’s found someone special who is different from the rest. His demeanor around her is different, he just seems different … happier and lighter and just settled in a way he has never been before.
- He’s just happy around you. You bring a smile to his face. He lights up whenever he sees you, and seeing you is often the highlight of his day.
- He is totally comfortable around you. He can just be himself, doesn’t need to hide behind a mask or act a certain way. There is no walking on eggshells. He can just comfortably be who he is, and that is the most freeing and wonderful feeling there is.
- He loves to look at you. You’re like a magical unicorn in his eyes. It’s a look that says: “I can’t believe someone like you exists.” He may even come right out and tell you that.
- You are fully fused into his life. Your wellbeing and happiness are just as, if not more, important to him as his own. You aren’t just a person in his life, you are a part of his life.
2. The Things He Says
What a man says obviously says a lot about the way he feels. But not all words can be taken at face value. There are some key things to pay attention to if you really want to know if he truly loves you.
- He talks realistically about the future. He doesn’t make airy-fairy plans like, “We should go to Greece next summer!” he talks about you guys moving in together, getting engaged, and being together for the long haul. And he’s serious about it. It’s serious, realistic future talk, not abstract grandiose plans thought up in the moment. A key thing to understand about men is they are very in-the-moment creatures. This trips a lot of women up because she takes the things he says in a moment of excitement or passion literally. It’s not literal until it’s concrete and until it’s followed up with a further serious discussion.
- He really sees you. He doesn’t give you generic compliments of the “you’re so pretty/caring/nice” sort, he sees your soul, the depths of who you are. This is what real love looks like! Only someone in love will be interested and invested enough to look deep, to really get beyond the exterior and see the real you. He doesn’t just tell you he loves you, he tells you what he loves about you.
- He notices things others don’t. He may even realize things about you that you were unaware of! Love really is the ultimate mirror, you’ll discover so much that you didn’t even know was there, so long as you’re with the right person, a person who truly loves you.
- How deep are your conversations? Do you guys really connect on a soul to soul level, or are your conversations petty and surface level? Do you talk about real, deep, meaningful things, or just superficial banter? Anyone can banter, only people in love can connect in a deep, profound way.
- And how much do you even talk, to begin with? It’s easy to confuse love and lust. Lust is an intense, physical experience that can skew your view of reality. You may thing you’re in “love” because you crave that person intensely, but is your time together spent getting physical or getting deep and emotional? Yes, a physical connection is an important part of love, but it can’t stand alone.
- He opens up to you. He talks about his fears, his vulnerabilities, his childhood, his hopes and dreams. You are his confidante, his sanctuary, the person he trusts and can be his true, authentic self with.
- He stays in touch. He doesn’t leave you hanging and he doesn’t disappear on you. He shows immense consideration for you and your time. If he is going to be unavailable for a while, he lets you know rather than letting you wonder where he is. If his phone is at 5% battery, he gives you a heads up just so you don’t think he’s ignoring you if you try to get in touch. If he goes away, be it for business or pleasure, he stays in touch! He texts you pictures and keeps you updated on what he’s been up to, he doesn’t just disappear. A man in love does these things because he wants to, not because you force him to or because he’s afraid of getting reprimanded if he doesn’t do it.
- He misses you. If he goes away, he’s thinking about you and he lets you know. He genuinely misses you when you’re apart, you don’t feel the need to text him every five minutes to remind him you exist. When you’re away from someone you love, you literally ache for them. Yes, it’s very important to have separate time and to have your own lives. The reason people in love has such a hard time doing this is they genuinely always want to be around each other, but just because you want something doesn’t necessarily mean it’s healthy for you. Obsession is not the same thing as healthy love. (Read this article for more on that distinction.)
- He respects what you have to say. He takes your opinions and your advice to heart, he really listens to you and cares about what you think. He respects your views.
- He genuinely cares about what’s going on in your life. He asks about your day, really listens when you tell him, and gives more thoughtful responses than “wow” and “mmm-hmm.” he genuinely cares about whats going on in your world, because you are a major part of his world.
I say this a lot here at A New Mode: if you want to know how a guy feels, looks at his actions more than words. It doesn’t mean words are meaningless. If his actions sync up with his words, he means them! If he’s all talk and no action, well then he probably doesn’t feel the way he claims to.
Love isn’t a feeling; it’s a verb. It comes across through actions. These are the actions to pay attention to in order to know if he truly loves you:
- He does loving actions. He pays attention to what you like and tries to do more of it. It could be something romantic like bringing you your favorite flowers, or something simple like doing the dishes because he knows how much you despise cleaning. He actively tries to show you that he cares.
- He makes you a priority. Everyone is busy, everyone is stressed. But we all make time for the things that matter. If you need him, he’ll be there. If he can’t be there, it’s because he has a really solid excuse and it’s impossible. He’ll be there. He’ll show up. He’ll blow off whatever else he was supposed to do to be there. He’ll help you with your home repairs, he’ll drive to where you are to change your flat tire, he’ll take you to the airport at 6 am, he’ll skip his friend’s birthday party to take care of you because you’re feeling sick, you are what matters most.
- He loves being around you. You never feel awkward, like you’re overstaying your welcome. He wants you there, and you know it because he shows it (#actions!). He loves being around you, you’re his favorite person, his partner in crime, his best friend.
- He follows through. He talks about moving in together and actively looks for a place that you both can both call home. He talks about getting engaged and actively looks at rings with you. He tells you he wants you to get to know his family and he actively brings you to family functions or makes a plan for everyone to get together. He says he wants to take a romantic vacation with you, and he researches the best locations and books a flight. He doesn’t just say things, he means them and he follows through and does them.
- He includes you in decisions. He really factors you in, he wants to decide things with you, he doesn’t just make a decision and then tell you about it later. For example, he gets offered a new job in a different city. He doesn’t just mull over it on his own, he talks to you and makes the decision with you. He doesn’t decide what he’s going to do and then tell you about it after.
- He wants to give to you. This is the essence of love. Love is about giving. This is why parents usually love their children so much more than children love their parents. It’s not about giving you presents, although this is always nice! It’s giving time, attention, love.
4. He fights for it
He is willing to work for the relationship, he wants it to work. He won’t throw in the towel as soon as things get rocky. He’s in it to win it!
He wants to make it work. A guy who doesn’t love you will end things when it gets a little complicated and may think it’s just not worth the effort. A man in love will always think it’s worth the effort, and if it doesn’t work out, it’s not for lack of trying. If it ends, you both go down swinging, if it can’t work, then it just wasn’t meant to be, but that love was always there.
Take The Quiz: Does He REALLY Love You?
How To Know If Someone Truly Loves You:
- Look at the way he is around you- does he light up and seem at peace, and at home with you?
- He’s there for you whenever you need him.
- He doesn’t just tell you he loves you, he shows you through his loving actions.
- It’s easy to be around him, there is no struggle or battle of wills, it just fits.
- He wants to make it work and will do whatever it takes.