I’ve been working with this guy for close to a year. I was always attracted to him but tried to play it cool and treat him like any other friend. It took him about 6 months to ask me for my number and I was really shocked because I didn’t think he thought of me in that way and I instantly started crushing on him. We hung out later that night after his shift ended. It was pretty casual, just small talk, and then he went home.
After that, he started texting me raunchy things about “getting naked” and “getting freaky” and such but I’d always object flirtatiously, like, “oh well only if you’re lucky” or ” maybe once you get to know me better.” So after about a week of us texting back and forth, he texted that he wanted to hang out again. I agreed but then he never texted back! We still saw each other at work and would make small talk, but I didn’t hear from him other than that.
I decided to focus my attention elsewhere and only worry about school, work, etc. I randomly texted him maybe a month later just to see how he was doing and he seemed happy to hear from me and asked when we were gonna hang out. I told him pretty much whenever I was available next. That night, he texted me around 2 am asking to hang out but I obviously said no since it was so late. He seemed cool with that, but then the conversations died down and I didn’t hear from him for weeks. Then I noticed that he changed his Myspace status to “In a relationship” so I figured that was why I hadn’t heard from him but I realized he must have been in a relationship that last time he asked to hang out.
After that, I completely cut myself off from him outside of work because I didn’t want to deal with the heartache. Now here it is, weeks later, and he’s asking me why I haven’t texted him in so long. I’m so confused! Anyway, I texted him the other night to see how he was doing. He asked what I was up to but then just stopped texting!
I feel kinda played for giving in to him but I still like him and I’m not sure what this all means. Any thoughts?
See our guy’s response after the jump!
I’ll give you my answer bluntly, which would be: Yes, he is trying to set you up as a ‘booty call’.
If a guy is trying to court you for a potential relationship, he’s not going to lead his interaction by talking about hooking up, getting naked, etc. A guy would say that for the following reasons:
– He doesn’t care if you reject his approach since he’s made up his mind that a hook-up is all he wants from you at the moment.
– He has a low self-esteem, so he figures that if he acts like an ass and you reject him, it’s not because he actually is an ass, it’s just because he was acting like one. On the flip-side, if you go for him even though he’s acting like this, then it must mean he’s irresistible. It’s kind of a silly ego thing, making the assumption that if you accept him in spite of his obnoxiousness, it means he’s awesome.
– He’s got a few girls to choose from, so he’s willing to hook up with you as long as you don’t require much investment on his part. If you’re willing to hook-up with him when making virtually no effort (other than to send you sexual overtures via text message when the mood strikes him), then he knows you’re willing to be a “low-maintenance hook-up”.
My original response wasn’t so blunt, but I felt like I would be doing everyone a disservice if I sugarcoated that first point.
With that said, it sounds to me like both of you are doing everything you can to play it cool. And I think that’s getting in the way of either of you knowing where the other one is coming from.
Beneath all the nonsense, my guess is that you both like each other, but you’re afraid of asking personal questions because that would mean you were getting “personal”. It’s really easy to banter back and forth and make small talk. But when one of you starts talking about things on a personal level – things you think about, how you’re experiencing something, how you feel about something – then the connection starts to deepen. And once the “relationship” with someone starts to deepen, well, that’s the point where you can get hurt.
At the same time, the more “personal” you get, the more of a chance you have for a meaningful relationship. Not all relationships are meaningful – people hook up all the time and never connect on any sort of deep level beyond immediate excitement in the situation and desire. People even date for a long time with little to no depth to their relationship – I can’t do it, but maybe some people actually prefer it to opening themselves up. It’s not my place to pass judgment.
As far as your immediate situation goes, I would say that you need to find out more info about where he is in his life and what he’s up to. Just because a Myspace status says that he’s “In a Relationship” doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s in the relationship he wants to be in. I realize that you have a regular mode of talking with him and you don’t want to step outside the lines, but maybe a bit of probing would help. If he wants to let you know about his life, he’ll tell you… if he doesn’t, he will avoid the subject, but then at least you tried to break through.
Now here’s a controversial point: Guys do make a judgment about a girl based on what it takes for the girl to hook up with him. Fair enough, but the weird thing is that the predominant belief in our culture is that time makes the difference. It’s not about the time – it’s about the effort and the depth that the woman expects from the guy. Speaking personally here, I have gone out with girls that have a time rule… they made some kind of promise to themselves that they wouldn’t do certain things until a certain time (after 3 dates, 3 weeks, etc.). To me, it really didn’t make much of a difference in terms of how I felt about her long term.
What do I mean by depth and effort? By depth I mean exposing thoughts that actually connect with who I am as a person: my beliefs, my thoughts about what matters to me, my aspirations, what I value in relationships, etc. Basically the stuff that you wouldn’t just casually tell a stranger on the street. Small talk and bantering is not depth – it is shallow connection that you can have with anyone.
In the context of effort I would describe it as actually “showing up for the game”. That is, being mentally present and engaged in the interaction. The opposite of this is the guy who’s basically running game – he’s done it one hundred times before, he knows what you are going to eat up and he dishes it out. In my life, the girls who just “ate up” the game did not last long. On the other hand, the girls that called me out or saw through where I was just running game versus actually being engaged and present in the interaction… they usually became a long term girlfriend.
There’s definitely an art to being challenging while still coming across as charming and fun. The value of being challenging is to make sure the guy brings his best self to the table – not the passive guy who’s going to just run his game and have you eat it up. And if you’re being challenging comes across as bitchy… you’re doing it wrong.
But back to the time limit thing. You might be thinking, “Eric, you can’t be serious.” I am. The time limit before hooking up did not make a difference to me in terms of potential for a long-term relationship.
I’ll sum it up with this: If you would be totally satisfied with the depth of your interaction being him texting you at random times talking about you hooking up, then go for it. If it’s not, then either figure out a way to get him to bring more of himself to the table or forget about it. It’s a mistake to think that you can rope him in with a hook-up now and then he’ll somehow change later. Not going to happen.
Maybe tougher love than I usually give, but I think it’s important that I don’t sugarcoat how I see it. Hope it helps.