I met this guy online about two years ago. Everything was amazing at first and we dated for a month before he left for medical school. For that whole month, we saw each other almost every day and he said he really liked me and I was everything he was looking for and all the stuff guys say in the beginning when they really like a girl. After that month he left for medical school in Nevada, and I live in California, making it a long distance relationship.
We tried to keep it together at first, I even flew out there one weekend, but he ended up sending me a long email telling me that he just couldn’t handle a relationship at that time because he had just started medical school and he was dealing with a lot. I didn’t talk to him for about six months after that. For the last two years we have been talking off and on but never actually got back together. Recently, we started talking again, but just as friends. About a month ago he confessed that he’d had a girlfriend for the last 6 months and she just broke up with him and he was really upset.
I gave him advice and I was there for him as a friend, trying to make him feel better, all the while still having feelings for him and wanting him to like me. I finally decided to tell him that I wanted a relationship and nothing else and if he didn’t want the same thing I couldn’t handle being friends with him and to not call me again.
Read on for the rest of this question and our guy’s response!
After I said that, he said that he did have feelings for me. We hung out twice after that, but he didn’t make any moves or anything, which is fine because I wanted to take it slow. Plus, he was still on the rebound. When we hung out, I felt like he was into me. I mean it seemed like he was always trying to make an excuse to touch me, or be close to me, and he opened up to me a lot, and talked to me more than he had throughout the whole two years I have known him.
About a week after we had hung out, he called me and told me that he was gonna be really busy the next month or so studying for his boards and he wasn’t going to be able to call me as much anymore. I freaked out because I felt like he was pulling away, and I tried to get him to define whatever was going on, which was probably too premature. But now, he’s not really calling me as much. When I asked him if he liked me or what he wanted, he said he didn’t know and that he wanted to keep things exactly the way they were and go with the flow and not think about the future . He also said that he wasn’t ready to get into another relationship again, which I completely understand, and I have not asked him to get into one with me. I just want him to be honest with me. When we went out, he either felt sparks again or he didn’t but he won’t tell me. He just keeps saying that he doesn’t know and that he can’t think about that right now. I feel like he’s pulling away again. Anyways…my question is after everything we have been through, do you think he really does like me and is just too busy or does need time to get over everything? Or is he “just not that into me”? Should I be patient and see what happens, or run for the other direction?
ANSWER:
Here are my thoughts on the matter:
The first time you guys were going out, it became a long distance relationship and usually that’s bad news. Not every long distance relationship falls apart, but the majority do. So I would say that it’s not surprising that it ended, especially with the amount of pressure of being a med-school student (I dated a medical school student for a year a while ago.)
My feeling is that regardless of whether or not he likes you (and he does, no question), you are talking about pursuing a romantic direction with a guy who’s incredibly busy and just broke up with his girlfriend. I think you’re asking “does he like me?”, but I think the better question to consider is: “Do I really want to pursue a relationship with a man who’s going through emotional trauma and is incredibly busy?”
I’ve been in scenarios like this. My feeling on the matter is that it’s nice to be with a girl that I like (and who likes me too), but it would add pressure to my life having to be “her man” at that moment. Being a boyfriend (or the guy that the girl is “seeing” or whatever you want to call it) is pressure to a degree.
Generally speaking, whenever a guy takes on something in his life, he wants to do a good job at it. You could say that everyone does, man or woman, but what I am saying here is that a guy will not get into a relationship if he doesn’t think he can be the man that he knows the girl wants him to be. And in a way, that’s the ultimate form of the guy liking you – he doesn’t want to take advantage of you or hurt you – if he doesn’t think he can deliver, he won’t get you caught up in something that he won’t be able to do.
I cannot tell you if you should or should not choose this man… nor would I want to do that. There’s no way that I could know everything there was to know about the situation and even if I did, the end decision is your responsibility and can only be answered by you.
However, what I can tell you is what I would consider if I were in your shoes.
I’ve said before that the more we do for a person, the more we end up liking and investing in that person. Have you ever had a relationship where you weren’t that into it, but you ended up doing more and more for it until all of a sudden, this relationship began meaning everything to you when at first it meant nothing? There are a lot of factors in relationships, but one factor I want to highlight is that the more sacrifices and accommodations we make for another person, the more we invest in that person and, thus, the more that person/relationship means to us.
So if I were in a position where I was casually dating someone who was absolutely, positively buried in work and could not put time into accommodating me, I would not put a lot of time into accommodating that relationship. Again, my reasoning is that the more I end up doing for that other person, the more attached I will become to that other person (who I already know isn’t really available at this time anyway).
Yes, the other person appreciates it. Yes, the other person thanks you. BUT the other person does not end up loving you more for it – you end up loving them more. For them to love you more (in the sense of binding to you more), they need to be investing their energy, efforts and attention in you.
Think of the guy who bends over backwards to accommodate his demanding girlfriend. He caters to her every wish and does everything. Then they break up… the one who ends up devastated is NOT the girl (who no longer has a guy doing everything for her), but the guy who was doing everything! It’s a weird, counter-intuitive thing in psychology, but it’s true.
Be that as it may, I would say be careful with this piece of information. It would be a mistake to think of relationships like a poker game, where you’re hiding your cards and throwing chips in only if they do. That’s not what I’m saying here - I believe in a relationship acts of love should be given freely without conditions of a return. Love should never be a bargaining chip.
However, I do think you need to consider if you have a guy who is already in a position where he cannot invest love back into you (whether it’s because of his schedule, his lifestyle preferences, his manner, etc.), then you need to consider that you may up investing heavily in someone who will not be able to give back what you need in a relationship. From my point of view, investment determines his level and ability to commit to you, so if you want that you better make sure he is in a position where he can invest time, energy and attention with you.
What if he’s not? Well, then I would say you don’t have to leave, but be mindful of the accommodations you are making to have him in your life. What are you sacrificing? What are you doing for him? What are you putting in? Can he match it (note that I’m not saying will he or does he want to…. CAN he?)
That is what I would consider.
- eric charles
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A very similar thing happened to a couple of years ago, the comments resonate deeply with me, although at the time I may not have fully appreciated everything that’s in the response here, now with hindsight I can totally see that my unrewarded efforts to keep that man in my life were making me feel more for him, and doing nothing for his affections. I also think my behaviour said more about my lack of self esteem, to allow myself to remain focused on a man who could not give me what I was looking for in a relationship.
Like your man, he was kind enough to eventually say (after having said and done many things to suggest it could go further than it would) that he was unable to give me what I wanted from him. I initially took it as rejection and felt hurt, and like he had been initially misleading. It turns out he was just confused, in an equally bad emotional place and simply willing, but unable, to focus on a relationship.
I am now extremely happy with a man who loves me, and who I love, and we give and receive it without any pressure and without expecting or wanting anything else in return. It is easy, it is fun, and there are no clarifying question marks over our relationship status. Much better!!
My suggestion would be that you maintain some space from him, focus on your social life away from him, accept that if he wants you he will come to you, and that maybe he never will, and that whatever happens, you will be happy. (which you will, because he is not the answer to your happiness, you are.)
Good luck! x
“bella”, thank you for your comment! eric charles’ response really helped, but what you wrote hit right on the mark. the difference is, i’ve yet to find a man that make me as happy as yours does, although i’m glad you’ve found him after what you went through; it gives me hope!
good luck!
Not only did Eric answer right, but he also asked the right questions that you should be asking yourself. Good luck.
As for long distance relationships, yes the majority fall apart. Thankfully mine for 4 years succeeded
Now we have been living together for 5 years and I’m getting married this Oct!
Geez… Wish I’d read this A YEAR AGO !!!
(
Thank you for your insight. “Killing Me Softly” needs to be playing in the background right now.
You were right on the money with this one. Bookmarking for the days when I feel weak.
Thank you again !!!
im going thru the same thing maybe you should move on before you get youre heart broken like me:(
Ok, I totally agree with what Eric says. But. Why do I feel like we have to wait for guys to come around and open up to us, with their real feelings. This really sounds like we always have to wait and not do certain things because we risk losing a really good guy. At the end of the day we are all human, we need to love, feel, want, express ourselves in our own way. I just hate this whole game thing that everyone plays. If you feel, want, love and hate then express yourself and if he’s worth it he’ll stay. It will be his loss not yours if he doesn’t stick around.
Well I mean… you don’t have to do anything. All I’m sharing here is my perspective and doing my best to give you where guys are coming from.
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Does it mean I speak for all men and all perspectives? Definitely not. But it’s not like we as guys are conspiring to create a “game”. Speaking for myself, there’s a lot of things that women have done that rubbed me the wrong way, but in the woman’s mind she probably felt I should have reacted differently.
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When you get down to it, the way people “should” act is the way that they actually act. You can either accept it and learn to make it work for you or you can resist it and you’ll get the results that resisting it gives you.
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I’m not trying to be mean when I say that, but there was all sorts of beliefs that I had about women at one point and about how things “should” be in general. Regardless of whether or not my feelings were good or right, things WEREN’T that way and they continue not to be. So instead of getting angry about it or blaming women or pouting about how unfair I think it was, I learned to make it work for me.
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Again, I really do not intend to be mean when I say this – I hope my comment doesn’t come across that way. Actually, I really appreciate your comment so thank you for posting it.
I know this is about a year later, but I was searching on the internet and found this; Eric Charles, you have a soothing way of giving advice. Its not harsh; it’s a removed perspective with gentle words. I love this piece.
The whole idea of what you invest in them is equivalent to how much they mean to you– this is absolutely true. So it entirely makes sense that someone that doesn’t have much time in their life wouldn’t want to invest in something that isn’t guaranteed (i.e. new relationships). They’re time is being spent investing in things to build stability (studying for degrees, getting their emotional footing back). Investing in something unpredictable takes courage and A LOT of effort. Therefore, if it doesn’t last, the whole investment was counter-intuitive to those other moments invested in FINDING stability.
This is just like that famous idiom: Don’t put all of your eggs in one basket.
For me, I tend not to like spreading myself thin socially, so I enjoy investing time in specific relationships, situations, etc. It is tiring to spread put all of your eggs in one basket, if the basket gets dumped, all the eggs are cracked, and naturally, you lose it all.
However, KNOWING, not questioning, is what lets us know its safe to fill one basket.
If its not known, I don’t put my eggs in other social baskets,
I put them in my basket. It sounds self-centered, but it’s more self-love. When I am seeing myself with (I love how Bella put it) ‘question marks’ over a relationship, I take those eggs I’m contemplating putting into the ‘questioned’ basket, and instead put them into something I love, like painting, drawing, dancing, etc. And they are self esteem builders that are internal, not external. I stand to lose nothing from them, only fill my soul.
I really love this thread. It gives me hope in my own gut instincts. When I feel its off, my gut is feeling it may be losing some of its…
haha eggs…
haha! So I stop, listen, and put my investments in something joyful, not tentative, until I feel its right.