After a breakup, one of your first questions will probably be: Does he still love me?
Love doesn’t usually just evaporate because you broke up. Yes, sometimes a breakup happens because one or both partners fell out of love (the classic, I love you but I’m not in love with you scenario), but more often people break up not because they don’t love each other, but because that love just wasn’t enough and they couldn’t make it work.
If there is any chance of you and your ex getting back together, that love still needs to be there. But other elements also need to be in place, and we’ll discuss those as well in this article.
I will also give you a list of definitive signs that your ex does still love you, and that there still is a chance to make it work.
Take The Quiz: Can You Get Your Ex Back Or Is He Gone Forever?
Before we talk about the signs your ex still loves you…
I know you’re very eager to hear the signs, but there are three very important things I need to mention first to help you get the best possible outcome.
1.You need a no contact period to get yourself together
No matter what the circumstances, I always recommend a period of no contact after a breakup, that is, a period of at least a month where you do not speak to him at all — not in person, not via text, not over G-chat or Snapchat or anything.
During this time, don’t even think about whether he still loves you or not, you can think about that later after you’ve had time to get your head together.
Breakups can be emotionally heavy experiences. Even the most amicable breakups come with a fair degree of pain. And that pain won’t necessarily go away by getting back with your ex. That will just be putting a bandaid on a bullet hole. I’ve written a lot about the no contact rule for more on that, read this article and this one.
2. Do you actually want him back?
This is a great question to reflect upon after a period of no contact. Do you want him or do you just want a man in your life? Does the prospect of getting back out there on the dating market overwhelm and terrify you?
Not wanting to be single is not a good reason to go back to someone who isn’t good for you. Be honest with yourself when asking if getting back together with your ex is really in your best interest. The only way it will work is if you have a good reason for getting back together. Missing him and not wanting to be alone don’t count as good reasons.
3. Why did you break up?
Every breakup has a surface reason and a real reason. What was the real reason behind the breakup? Was he not able to meet your fundamental needs? Did someone cheat? Did you want different things?
If you can’t make it work, then there’s just no point in figuring out if he still loves you. Love isn’t always enough. If the reasons you broke up are still very real, then nothing will be different this time around.
OK, you didn’t come here for a lecture on why getting back with an ex is a bad idea. I actually don’t think it’s always a bad idea because I married an ex!
The good news is that your ex is most likely missing you. Distance works to your advantage after a breakup (another reason why it’s essential to follow the no contact rule!). We always idealize what we no longer have, so he most likely is missing you and reminiscing about the good times.
But let’s dive in and look at the definite signs your ex still loves you:
The Top 8 Giveaway Signs Your Ex-Boyfriend Still Has Feelings For You:
1.He reacts strongly to you
If he runs into you on the street, he’s elated. His eyes light up, his voice raises a few octaves, his whole demeanor brightens up. If he sees you with another guy, he’s irate. He is visibly shaken and upset.
The opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference. If your ex is indifferent to you, then it’s a sure sign he’s over you. If he has strong emotions when it comes to you, either positive or negative, then he’s still harboring some intense feelings.
2. He’s hot and cold with you
If you break up and he’s just done, then he’s done. Men can kind of be like that. They make a decision and there’s no wavering. If he goes cold, then he’s trying to freeze you out because he wants you to move on.
If he wavers … if he seems totally over you one minute, and obsessed with you the next, it’s a big sign he still has feelings for you. The hot and cold behavior indicates he doesn’t quite know how he feels yet. He’s still sorting through it all. He’s confused and that’s why his behavior is so confusing.
Again, this one isn’t a guarantee. You have to look at it alongside the other signs on this list.
3. He reaches out to you, a lot
When a guy has strong feelings for you, he won’t be able to help himself from reaching out. He may find any random excuse to get in touch with you- maybe to tell you a joke, tell you something funny that happened, let you know he found a great deal on an apartment in the area you were hoping to move to … he’ll find any excuse to get in touch pretty much.
He may also drunk dial you on frequent occasions. This doesn’t necessarily mean he still loves you– alcohol isn’t the ultimate purveyor of truth that most people assume– but it shows he is still thinking about you. It’s not always the truth that comes out when we’re drunk, more often it’s heightened and unfiltered emotions. Point is, don’t read too much into drunk behavior, but if he can’t stop himself from calling or texting you after he’s tossed back a few, then he probably does still have feelings for you.
4. He tries to make you jealous
I was 17 the first time I learned about this tactic. I had just broken up with a guy who was a total and complete jerk to me. The breakup was my idea, but it was the result of a million inexcusable behaviors on his part. Soon after, his friend “casually” mentioned that he had a new girlfriend. I was kind of crushed in that irrational sort of way and just as I was starting to kind of sort of miss him and wonder if I made a mistake, my friend showed me a text from his friend saying: “So Tom doesn’t actually have a new girlfriend, he’s just hoping that gets back to Sabrina”… and I’m back to thinking he’s a loser!
Is it childish? Yes. But people aren’t known for acting rationally when it comes to matters of the heart. When a guy still loves you, he will want to get a reaction out of you, and stirring jealousy certainly causes a reaction.
He may try and get the word out that he’s seeing someone new, might post images of himself with hot girls on social media, may show up places where he knows you’ll be with a girl. These are all easy and common ways to rouse the green monster inside you. Try to see it for what it is and realize he may still have feelings for you.
At the same time, it’s possible he genuinely moved on. I also had an experience with an ex where he was constantly posting about his new relationship on social media and I thought he was trying to make me jealous … but really, he was just super obsessed with his new girlfriend and had fully moved on.
5. He gets nostalgic
He can’t help but reminisce about happier times. He may bring these happy memories up in conversation, or text you out of the blue saying, “Remember the time we went to that Bed and Breakfast that was totally haunted and we freaked out?”
A lot of people tend to idealize the past, but if he really seems to be stuck there, then there is a good chance he still has feelings for you and probably regrets the way things ended or the fact that they ended at all.
6. He follows what you’ve been up to
If we still have feelings for someone, we can’t help but think about them. When we think about them, we want to know what they’ve been up to. And where do you go to check up on someone? Their social media pages, of course.
If a guy stalks all your pictures and posts, if he watches your Instagram and Snapchat stories, if he likes and comments on your posts, then he can’t let you go because he most likely still has feelings for you. Or maybe he takes a more conventional, old-school approach to keeping tabs on you. Maybe he asks your friends what you’ve been up to… or shows up places where he thinks you’ll be.
A sure sign a guy is over you is he consciously avoids you. He un-friends and unfollows you, he doesn’t show up places where he thinks you’ll be. He doesn’t want to run into you because he doesn’t want to give you the wrong idea, he wants to make a clean break. When he doesn’t make any sort of break, it’s a strong sign he still loves you.
7. Stays in touch with your friends and family
If you had a lot of mutual friends, it makes sense that he would still talk to them. But if he was never that close with your friends and still keeps in touch with them, then that says something else. The same goes for staying in touch with your family.
If he stays in touch with your family, it’s a way to keep the pipeline open. Him staying in their good graces is a way of keeping that door open and most likely means he isn’t fully over you or ready to let go.
8. He opens up to you
You’re still his go-to person to talk to and share with. Men don’t let people in easily. They save their inner thoughts and private feelings for those they feel safest with and closest to.
If he still treats you like a confidante, if he still reaches out to you to talk about his feelings and his hurts, if he still goes to you for advice before anyone else, there is a strong chance he still loves you.
What to Do About It
OK, so you read this article and are pretty sure your ex still loves you, now what?
Well, a lot of these signs are shown through interaction, which means he’s still in your life. So… cut him out. At least for now. Like I said earlier, a period of no contact is crucial if you want to get your ex back (or if you want to move on).
Right now you don’t really know how you feel even though you think you do. You’re still in the emotional trenches. You’re like a 2-pack a day smoker convincing themselves that they can smoke 2-3 cigarettes a day. They can’t. You can’t detox from something if you’re still ingesting it. So you need to cut things off. Again, this doesn’t have to be forever, it’s just for now.
It doesn’t matter when you broke up, you can do this at any time. Just tell your ex you need some time and space and would appreciate it if he didn’t contact you. Then take time to get yourself together. If you’re reading this article, it’s because you still have feelings for your ex and you want him back, and you desperately want him to feel the same.
If you checked all the boxes listed, then he probably does. But does that mean you should get back together? Not necessarily. That’s why you need time and space to gain perspective and clarity. I know it will be hard, I know you’ll hate me for it, but in the end, you’ll thank me for it as so many others have!
What should you do during this period of no contact? Focus on finding your own happiness independent of him and the relationship. Get to an amazing place in your life, physically and emotionally.
Once you start seeing things more clearly, objectively look back on what went wrong and if things will actually be different this time around. Be honest with yourself, if you aren’t then you’ll only be cheating yourself out of happiness.
Take The Quiz: Can You Get Your Ex Back Or Is He Gone Forever?
In summary …
Here’s How To Tell If Your Ex-Boyfriend Still Loves You:
- He reacts strongly to you
- He’s hot and cold with you
- He reaches out to you, a lot
- He tries to make you jealous
- He gets nostalgic
- He follows what you’ve been up to
- Stays in touch with your friends and family
- He opens up to you