Ask A Guy: How Do I Reconnect With Him After Cutting Off Contact? post image

Ask A Guy: How Do I Reconnect With Him After Cutting Off Contact?


My boyfriend and I had a good relationship, but mutually agreed that a long distance relationship was not for us. Just before he moved to another state, I told him that it would be easier for me emotionally if I cut off contact with him completely. He said he didn’t want to but ultimately he agreed to it…

It’s been three weeks and I miss him. I want to reconnect with him, but I don’t know how to re-establish contact with him after telling him that I wanted to cut off all contact. Any advice?

Relax… guys get it.

We understand that if a girl says, “I need to do something for it to be emotionally easier for me…” we can grasp that.

Now granted, he might have some upset feelings when you try to contact him. You’ll have to talk through it if he does.

But I’m sure he’d love to hear from you. Don’t stress about it, go ahead and reconnect with him… just don’t try to jump into a LDR (Long Distance Relationship) with him.

Personally, I don’t think anyone should jump into an LDR… ever. But there’s a ton of people on the boards that are having problems and they’re in LDRs (makes you wonder if there’s a connection…), so I try to help where I can.

Anyway, if your mind has you considering having a LDR with him now, just take things one step at a time. Don’t think that you’re going to reconnect with him and immediately jump into a LDR with him… if anything, he’s probably just fully accepted that you are broken up and you don’t want to call him up and shake him up.

Just reconnect and keep it simple. Clear the air. He’ll be happy to hear from you.

Just keep it light and casual, shoot him a text or e-mail just asking how he’s been and what’s new. Don’t bring up anything heavy, keep it friendly and see how he responds. If he acts weird and distant, he might not be ready to have you back in his life. Don’t force anything along, just put a feeler out there and see how it goes.

I would caution you to get clear on what you want before you jump into anything. Are you secretly hoping that he’ll want to do the long distance thing? Do you want to determine if he still has feelings for you? Do you genuinely want to keep him in your life, even if it’s in a totally platonic capacity?

Also, make sure having him in your life isn’t going to prevent you from moving on and meeting a new, local guy. If you think having him in your life will make you have feelings for him again and will blind you from seeing what else is out there, it might not be a good idea. Don’t expect that things are going to magically change and you will somehow be able to make it work. You need to accept the situation for what it is and assume things aren’t going to change.

If you can handle having him in your life as a friend and don’t think this will cause you pain or prevent you from moving forward, then there’s no harm. Just make sure you don’t have an ulterior motive.

23 comments… add one

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Ciara

Hi,

So,there is this guy who I have been seeing on-off for the past 2 years .We were together for 1 year. But,the last few months I cut off all contacts with him .I wanted more but he was not ready to give me more. SO at that point I had thought it best to break of with him and focus on my career.I needed to arrange my life and career ,because he was becoming a big distraction on a deep emotional way .

Now,that I have finally put my career on a path , I have started talking to him again , cause I missed him as a friend . Also at this point I know that I don’t want him in my life as a romantic prospect more as a hookup.Again, I am not looking for a relationship from him. I am very busy in my life now with work,travels etc. I am looking for a casual hookup from him and on speaking with him he agreed to it.He said he was really excited to hookup with me again and made plans to see me this month also.

But the next day when I text him, I get no reply from him and since then no reply to any of my texts . Though I can see him online,he never replies back. Is he interested in our arrangement or did he back away? Should I give up on him and just concentrate on my life? Is it bad to bring back an ex again in your life ?

I am confused and uncertain if I made a bad decision .

Reply May 2, 2016, 12:51 pm

Emma

Its been a year since me and my ex broke up and he is still on my mind. I’ve kept myself busy, tried flirting with other guys, hanging out with my friends, going out more, but yet I just cant stop thinking about him and i want to reconnect with him, he emailed me about a week ago and i responded but it was short cause i didn’t know how to respond but i don’t know what to do know. How should i contact him again? what do i say?

Reply February 22, 2015, 12:35 am

Cathy

I have a similar situation, sort of. I am talking to a guy that is a truck driver. We spent 3 and 1/2 weeks together 24/7 as I went with him on his truck. We had the best time, found out a lot about each other and I liked what I found out, not sure if he did, but I am assuming that he did. He is still calling me several times a day and sends me pictures of the places that he travels. There has been no “commitment” words spoken, no “I love yous” just pet names for each other like sweetie, honey, stuff like that. I have not seen him in almost two months and when I asked him the other day if I would ever see him again, he said: certainly not if the company keeps me on this course. I am in Georgia and the company keeps him out west. He is currently seeking another job but I’m still not sure if this job is going to get him to Georgia, it’s in Texas (which is a little closer than California) I haven’t pressed him about an answer to a relationship, we have only been talking for 3 months, and I have read all of the articles about not being needy, and pushing for a commitment however, I would like to know something? Do you think that it is too early?

Reply September 17, 2014, 2:17 pm

Rama

Hi, my issue is a little different. I am married but there’s this married guy I like and with whom I had a brief affair. My husband found out about this and created a scene with the guy and his family, and the whole thing ended. But the problem is I still love the guy. I did try to reconnect with him but he doesn’t want to “go there” because it was such a mess the last time.Should I try again?

Reply July 25, 2014, 12:05 pm

mari

My situation is somewhat similar and I’d like some advice on it… my boyfriend and I were pretty happy together. It was a really healthy relationship, hands down the most mature and happy relationship I’ve ever had. Well he left for two months and things changed. We weren’t as close as before and didn’t speak as much as before. I’m used to him so much that this made me panic. I began to make assumptions and wonder but he said that everything was fine. To me it wasn’t. I didn’t want to feel played so I told him I’d be better off alone. But I didn’t like the idea so afterwards I tried to fix things. Well a few days before he comes back I again broke things off. This time I sounded more sure of my decision. I said i Wanted to move on from this for myself. He felt upset that my decision came out of nowhere but told me that he was done too. He had enough of my instability… now that I have cleared my head and seen things from a single life perspective, not having him I feel off. I have no doubt that he’s an amazing guy and I truly miss him. But I’m the one that initiated the break up. He went along seeming sure of himself too. I can’t really contact him anymore…and I seriously doubt he’ll stop by to see me. I’ve already told myself if we never get back well it was my decision and I had done it because I was unhappy with the situation. However I still love him. I fear we actually are as officially done as we claimed…

Reply August 28, 2013, 5:49 pm

Anonymous

My boyfriend and I were seeing each other for 3 months when he finally asked me out, we were then dating for 7 months when he found out I lied to him at the start of our relationship. Was the stupidest thing to lie about, but it still hurt him. And he ended it over that, I have tried everything to try and get him to forgive me and showing him I will never lie to him again, but he just doesn’t believe me and seems as though he never will. We have now been broken up for a month, (only a month I know) But I miss him like crazy? Is that normal? Anyway, after we broke up we had arguments like never before, he told me he never wanted to hear from me again. A few weeks later I had the balls to send him a 1000 word message, not making him feel guilty but being apologetic and understanding and accepting the fact I betrayed his trust and am not willing to make the same mistake twice. I got no reply back to what I sent him, but a message back saying “What are you doing? Want to catch up?” It started again from there, I guess you could say we started seeing eachother again, and now we are back to the beginning. Saturday night he had a large consumption of alcohol, and ofcourse it turn’t into a huge fight. He told me I was too clingy and didn’t let him see his friends, He also said I needed to get over the fact we are not together anymore. (Mind you, while we were “seeing eachother” he treated me like a princess, everything he did like he would if we were in a relationship. The cute dates, cuddles, kisses, you name it, he did it) Was he just playing me the whole time to get, you know..? Hmm, anyway. The fight broke out for about 5 hours, into the early early morning. He told me to get out of the house we were in, or he was leaving. I stayed away from him but he insisted on carrying the argument on, yelling at the top of his lungs and finding everything he could to use against me. He was also getting violent. I went home and we didn’t speak until the following Monday, he sent a text saying”Don’t play games with me, I want my clothes back and I want you out of my life.” It broke my heart, does he really mean it? Or does he just need time to himself? What should I do? Please, I need advice.

Reply November 18, 2012, 11:33 pm

Hailey

Okay so there is a fella… as I’m sure you’ve heard numerous times. I’ve always found him super attractive, but this year it has grown into more than me just appreciating his good looks. We sat together in class for a long time, and then he gave me his number to text him if I needed help with math. We met up at the library on numerous occasions and talked and worked! And it was super fun. When we text, he always sends loads of smiley faces or winky faces. But we only text about homework and plans to meet up and do homework. In class we stopped sitting by each other and we don’t really talk during class anymore, but before school he’ll come in and sit next to me and we’ll work together, but I feel its super awkward now and I don’t know why. One class he came up and put his hand on my shoulder, then walked away with out saying anything, then when his friend was looking through my stuff he shoved him and said “Don’t touch her stuff!” (in a joking manner.) And he blushes, but there’s something in between us because normally I can figure it out for myself if a guy likes me, but this one I can’t and it only makes him more intriguing. But lately I feel like I’m just making a fool of myself when I try to talk to him. So do you think he likes me? And how do I proceed (in either situation , if he likes me or if he doesn’t)? I am so confused, but maybe I’m over-analyzing it.

Reply October 17, 2012, 10:18 pm

Allie

I don’t think it’s fair that you’re bashing LDR’s. Yeah, a lot of people who are in LDR’s have issues, but people in normal relationships have issues as well. Distance does indeed add further complications to relationships, but that doesn’t mean that LDR’s are totally not worth it. They don’t ALL fail in the end.

Reply September 13, 2012, 1:27 am

Eric Charles

Hey Allie,
.
I’m not saying it to be mean… I’m saying it because LDRs have an extremely high failure rate, even for good relationships… I agree, they don’t all fail, but most do.
.
I’m not “bashing” them, I’m simply reporting a fact. Yes, relationships that are not long distance have problems, but that isn’t really a logical comparison… when distance is introduced into relationships that were working great (sometimes even for years), the factor of distance very often destroys the relationship.
.
People in LDRs always want to believe that they’re going to be the ones who make it, so yes, I understand why you’d want to fight me on that point if you’re currently in a LDR, but if I was placing bets on LDRs working out… I’d be broke. I’m not trying to be a downer and I’m certainly not being critical, I’m just giving the facts…

Reply September 13, 2012, 10:11 am

Amanda

True. Except breaking up when a relationship is going great is heartbreaking and gut-wrenching so even if LDRs have a high rate of failure why not give it a shot. At least then you’ve tried. I was broken up with because he didn’t want to do the LDR and I feel like he has failed me.

Reply November 26, 2015, 4:46 am

Emilee

i dated this guy for a couple of years and recently he decided to move thousands of miles away but before he moved he told me that he has been in love with me for quite some time. of course, i love him too but with him moving away for a long period of time, why share what you feel when there is nothing that can be done about it? i understand people should share what they feel because they don’t want to regret not telling the person they love how they feel… But… why tell me how you feel knowing that you are moving away? it only causes my heart to break because i cannot be with the man i love. Please explain why.

Reply August 26, 2012, 10:23 pm

Tamarel

Me and dear friend of mine hooked up and needless to say I feel head over hills for him we did not speak to each other for a while I tried to b a hard ass and act as of it didn’t bother but deep inside it’s killing me we talked not to long ago and I visited but I’m scared to tell him that I love him and want no one else

Reply July 12, 2012, 8:47 pm

PJ

Tell him that, and he’ll run for the hills. If he wants you, and you’re around on a reasonable basis, he’ll make the moves.

Reply July 16, 2012, 4:37 pm

jane

THIS is the best advice. it doesn’t have to be EITHER 100% cold hardass or 100% romance movie “i love you forever i will die without you” (YIKES!). just be somewhere in the middle, where normal people live. the other two extremes would scare the hell out of most reasonable people.

Reply July 24, 2012, 10:59 am

Janet Adeline

Tell him you love him. A lot of women try to play hard to get with men, which is not a wise idea and it may turn the guy off. Some people think, if a guy is really into you he will try everything to get you even you are a hard ass.

Reply July 19, 2012, 9:25 am

lovethissite

My ex contacted me after 6 weeks asking how I was doing and if I wanted to see some show with him next month. WTF! If that’s his attempt at establishing a friendship I find it a bit forward and strange as a segue from romance to friendship. Personally I need more time to heal and move on. I’m not sure about your guy but I might consider waiting a couple months to allow both of you to move on.

Reply July 8, 2012, 12:06 pm

Strong

Hmm my guy is acting as if there was no break up. He is still calling me his baby and acting like everything is cool. I don’t know why I can’t tell him or remind him that we are not together. I am showing it by my non-chalant attitude because a part of me feel sympathy for him after seeing his surgery picture and the condition he is now. He is really lonely and in oain from the cut. I am trying to wait until he feels better to let him know “hey dude, we are not together. you do realize its been 3mths” Are there still feelings? Yes We were in a serious 11/2 yrs relationship. What do you expect?

Reply July 8, 2012, 12:19 pm

Nik

I expect that if you really like him then zero the geo-distance. If that’s too impractical then your decision of keeping things cold till his health improvement is a trait of a nice girl.

Reply July 10, 2012, 2:19 am

Strong

I was in a LDR for a year and a half. There were ups and down. The man himself was not happy with where things were in his life so he was messing up our relationship without realizing it. To cut the long story short, after realizing he called my bluff of breaking up with him twice I decided to go for a “no contact” break up and this time I meant it and it worked. We have now been broken up for 3 months. A month after our breakup, he contacts me by text and asked that we should discuss in a week. I said its ok. But ignored his random text after because i wanted to maintain the no contact. I never heard from him on the day he scheduled to discuss.
Now its been 3mths, I got a random text yesterday about prayer points and did not respond to that either. I do feel that eventually it should be ok for us to reconnect just as friends because I have never had that problem with my exes. I just don’t know when. And I pretty much want to contact to come from him first. I don’t want to initiate the conversation. It looks like that day may never come but I am optimistic and don’t want to be weak.
Do you think I am being petty and silly for playing hard to get? Does this mean I am not totally over him and thinking there is possibility that we may try to get back together? How do you know these things?

Reply July 4, 2012, 2:15 am

Nik

At some point, yes you are playing hard(More than the required). First you replied the text confirming that you will talk and then you suddenly stopped any further conversations. As a guy I’ll take it as you are not interested and said yes just to keep my heart while you didn’t mean it. So that explains the reason why you didn’t hear from him the scheduled day.
Don’t complicate the things by the terms like “friends” If he was emo. attached to you then it will hell for him to befriend you. The best option is call him, make him clear what you want. If you two are okay then who they hell others are to advice you πŸ™‚
P.S. Shed your dominating trick of “Peter should call first” If you really want to be friend with him then what’s the hick in; you contacting him? He has already tried now it’s your time to contact but make sure you clear everything and stand over the decisions later. How do I know? I have been in LDR, my advice “too hard to maintain”

Reply July 6, 2012, 4:17 am

Strong

Nik, I agree with you that that I may have played the game more than necessary but you have to realize that I was hurt at the time of break up and ended it amicably with a no-contact rule to get rid of any emotions. So this is why I did not want to respond to his friendly text and wait for him to discuss what he wants to tell me.
Anyways before your response, i actually have reached out to him three days ago because his friend told me he cut himself badly and had undergone surgery. Then when my brother who have unfriended him on fb told me that my ex told him about his surgery, I figured it was the right thing to do to contact him and wish him a safe recovery.
I was surprised at his response. You can tell he really missed me and was shocked to hear from me. But then the confusing part was that he seems to still think we are together even after 3mths because he mistekenly refered to me as “babe” and then he also asked me to come and see him this coming Monday and for his friend’s baby’s christening party. I was shocked that he will want me around his friends. This tells me he really did not tell anyone we broke up and because most of his friends are married with kids, he probably feels ashamed to be the only one that have not grown up and amtured into a MAN.
The next day he did not text me so I called him late at night to check up on him. He was once again surprised and also told me the exact date and time I broke up with me and that he really thinks he is still in a dream after that date. He continued to probe me to go and check out a airline ticket and said to me that “it is not as if we do not know each other” I said “No” Then he text me after the movie he went to see that he was on his way home and he will text me later. He then left the text as “Patience is the key, I cannot be perfect but can get better”. I woke up this morning and checked his LD international account and found out a min right after the text he called and talked to the said home wrecker girl for almost 25mins. Well that just tells me he is still the same man that uses other women for emotional support. He can never be with one woman soul heartedly and this is one of the reason why we broke up.
I think that there is a reason for the no contact rule and it is really risky and dangerous to try to open the lines of communication with someone that you probably hurt or bruised their ego. How do you know they are not playing nice to try to hurt you back? It’s going to be tough to figure that one out but if you dont want to be burnt in the process, i suggest you thread the water carefully. I am scared now of what I did. Maybe I should have left it alone. If a man wants you he should be coming back after you hard even if you push him away, he should try harder. That is how I feel.

Reply July 6, 2012, 2:44 pm

Tina

Ok so I was dating this guy for about 3 weeks. He was really into me the first 2 weeks. Bought me flowers every date, opened my car door, even had me met his family and scheduled me an appointment to have my car inspected. then we slept together, and after that it got different. I felt him being distant. texts got less and less. phone conversations got less. we had plans for my birthday (totally his idea) and then the morning of he canceled on me (yes on my birthday) then I didnt hear from him at all until 3 days later out of the blue he texts me saying “hello, I have to be honest i just dont think things between us are going to work out.” I said ok and wished him the best but I still wanted to know why out of pure curiosity. and when I asked him he didnt respond. Now here is the kicker. I left my watch at his house and I am suppose to go pick it up tomorrow, so I texted him earlier saying I will be at his house by 11 to pick up my watch. An hour later he text me saying, thats fine but he might not he home but his parents will be so either way i will get my watch. I told him it seems as if he is trying to avoid me, and that I would feel more comfortable getting my watch from him not his parents he just said no im not avoiding you I just have plans. I am beyond confused. I wasnt clingy I hardly ever texted him first or called him. once I made plans for us to hang out because he wanted me to. He would say its your turn to plan the next date (knowing I hate making the plans) Its just so weird…..HELP was I just a booty call!???

Reply July 4, 2012, 12:12 am

GML

3 weeks and you’re already stressing and analyzing every move. How do you fall for someone that quickly? Take it slow and get to know someone. Do you really want to know why he ended things? Who cares. There’s plenty of guys that do want to be with you and get to know you and potentially offer a commitment. If there’s one thing I’ve learned while dating and this may sound harsh but when a guy says he doesn’t want to be with you he really does mean it. I respect his candidness and I wouldn’t push to get your belongings from him directly. Get your stuff and move on to greener pastures. If you were just a booty call consider yourself lucky that you only invested 3 weeks in this guy. It doesn’t matter why doll, it just is. I wasted a year and a half with someone that did eventually give me a commitment and call me his girlfriend yet after three months of dating I was told “I don’t want to hold you back from dating others”. Looking back I wish I had walked away with my head held high. Don’t go down that road. You’ll bounce back in no time πŸ™‚

Reply July 7, 2012, 7:14 am

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