What do rejection and taxes have in common? They are both inevitable parts of life that everyone has to deal with. It doesn’t matter how beautiful, smart, funny, charming, or awesome you are, there will be times when you meet people who just don’t see it.
If I could write a note to my younger self it would be: “Don’t take it all so personally. You’re wonderful, and if someone else doesn’t see it, let that be their problem, not yours.” Unfortunately, my younger self didn’t get the memo and any type of rejection (especially from the opposite sex) would wreak havoc on my self-esteem. And those kinds of wounds can take a lifetime to heal and will inevitably carry over into your next relationship. If you end up in a place where you fear rejection, you’ll start to anticipate it and then you’ll be more likely to be rejected, thus confirming your initial prediction and affirming your belief that anyone you like won’t like you, which may pave the way for more rejection and on and on the vicious cycle goes.
It took me a really long time to learn to deal with rejection, and it’s something that I still need to work on to this day even though I’m a relationship writer and am supposed to have some degree of expertise in this area.
The upside is that my experience and past pains have helped me develop certain skills and insights to deal with rejection while keeping my sense of self intact. And here they are…
You can’t win them all
The fact is, you can’t make everyone like you and you can’t make every guy attracted to you. There will be people who don’t get you or who don’t like your look but none of that matters. Most women have this inexplicable need to make every guy want them and then they get upset when they find one who doesn’t and start to wonder what’s wrong with them.
At the end of the day, all we want is to find that one person who sees and appreciates us. If you have that, you don’t need to be the object of desire for every other guy. And if a guy does reject you, then it means he’s not the one for you and can’t appreciate how great you are and you should be thankful that he pulled the plug before you wasted anymore time.
Rejection happens to everyone
When someone rejects us, most of us will immediately think there must be something intrinsically wrong with us, I mean, why else would he dismiss us? Yet oftentimes it has nothing to do with us. Maybe their life is overly complicated at the moment, maybe they’re overburdened, maybe they are in a cynical place in their lives and are unable to see the good in others.
I know it can feel really personal when someone rejects you, like you and only you aren’t good enough to get what you want, but it happens to everyone. Every supermodel was rejected by countless agencies before she found the one who saw her potential, beautiful women get rejected and cheated on, the smartest people don’t always get the job… rejection is a part of life for everyone, no matter how much you have going for you. You’re setting yourself up for a lot of unnecessary misery if you take it personally and think that it has to be something about you.
You will find someone better.
The hopelessness that we experience after being rejected is our irrational fear that we’ll never find anyone as good as the one who decided we weren’t good enough. The fact that he’s not with you is all the proof you need to confirm he’s not the right guy for you…the upside is that the right one is still out there.
We’ve all been brought up to believe in the concept of “the one” or “soul mates.” The problem is if you meet someone and think that they fit the bill and then they leave….you feel like there is a hole in your life that can’t be replaced. Remember, the person who rejected you didn’t see the full spectrum of who you are and that’s not the kind of person you want to be with.
MORE: 5 Signs He’s Not the One
Don’t hold onto hope
Hope is a wonderful thing in most cases, but if he dumped you or rejected you, take it at face value and move on. Don’t hold onto hope that he’ll see the light and will change his mind. I’m not saying he won’t, but whether he does or doesn’t is irrelevant. No one can predict the future, you can’t know how the story will unfold. All you have is the present and if he doesn’t want to be with you in the here and now, take it for what it is and find someone who does.
Don’t punish yourself for someone else’s stupidity.
Don’t try to make yourself feel better by drinking excessively or hooking up with random dudes at bars for an ego boost or binging on ice cream or starving yourself any other destructive behaviors. Being rejected by someone you have feelings for can be agonizing, but it doesn’t help matters to hurt yourself even further. See it as his loss rather than turning on yourself and finding reasons why this is your fault and why you’re not good enough for him or worthy of love. You are all you have in this world, so be kind to yourself.
Happiness is an internal state, it’s something only you can achieve and it can’t be gained from the outside. Someone else can contribute to your overall level of happiness, but they can never be your sole source of happiness. You also can’t develop a sense of worth or self-esteem from the outside.
If you rely on men to tell you who you are in this world, you will always be at their mercy and your life will be a painful series of ups and downs with no solid sense of self-worth to stand on. Before you can be in a relationship with someone else, you have to work on the relationship you have with yourself. Once you have that, you’ll find that any relationship issues you’ve struggled with in the past disappear.
What are your tips for coping with rejection? Tell us in comments!
– SABRINA ALEXIS