Ask a Guy: Why Do Guys Move on So Quickly After a Breakup? post image

Ask a Guy: Why Do Guys Move on So Quickly After a Breakup?


It’s been one month since my boyfriend and I broke up.  The other day I learned that he put up an online dating profile- wth?!  I am still going through the phases of our breakup and I can’t even fathom the idea of meeting and talking to a new guy right now. It may seem the norm that guys will do this to avoid their feelings–get sex, boost ego–but it hurts.

Why do guys do this? Why do they seem to get over breakups so much faster than women?

I can understand why seeing that would hurt.

I mean, I can imagine it feels like a betrayal… here you are feeling all this pain, heartbreak and sadness… and he’s off putting up an ad for a new woman and, perhaps by extension, new sex.

When you’re in that position, it can feel like he almost owes you a period of grief. It can feel like he’s disrespecting the time you had together because he’s not miserable, depressed, and holed up hidden away from the world.

I can imagine as you’re feeling that, you resent him. You’re angry at him. You feel hurt by him.

And yet… beneath all of these feelings… are your thoughts, beliefs, and perceptions about the situation. Your thoughts, your beliefs, and your perceptions about what he’s doing are really what’s making you feel bad.

The fact is: You don’t know what he’s feeling. You don’t know what he’s thinking. You don’t know his intentions.
All you know is that right now, you’re hurting and you feel it’s his fault for making you hurt like this.

What most women don’t realize is breakups are really hard on men too. It may not seem like it on the surface, but that’s because men process emotions differently than women…not because they don’t have any emotions.

MORE: The Main Difference Between Men and Women in Relationships

Men typically don’t feel the need to ruminate over every detail of the relationship, something I see a lot of women doing, because those thoughts serve no purpose. Guys do not handle negative emotions well and will fight very hard to stay in a place of contentedness.

How do you know he’s not dying inside, feeling like his heart was torn in half… and he’s just trying to distract himself from the pain because he really, truly does not know any other way to dull the piercing pain he feels in his heart right now?

How do you know that, as he’s looking for other women, that his mind and heart won’t scream, “You’ll never find another woman better than the one you had… you made a mistake!”?

How do you know that he doesn’t feel completely wretched about himself right now?

You don’t… The only thing you can know is your feelings at this moment. The truth is, the way you’re looking at it right now is causing you to feel bad.

Believe it or not, when you’re thinking about something in a way that feels bad, that’s your mind telling you: “This is wrong! You’re on the wrong track! This isn’t the truth in the grand scheme of things! Thinking like this will only lead you to a bad place… a place of deep suffering.”

Whether you realize it or not, you have a mission right now in your love life. Your mission is to remember what makes you feel happy… and to participate in that. Your mission is to think the thoughts that feel happy, do the things that make you feel happy, look at life in the way that makes you feel happy.

MORE: 11 Ways to Find True Happiness

This is a lesson that love and life tries to teach everyone… and if you listen to what you’re feelings are trying to show you, you’ll end up in a better place than you’ve ever been in your whole life. You need to listen to your feelings and let them be your guide. Follow what feels happy, fulfilling, and puts you at ease. Drop all that feels intoxicating or bad. (By intoxicating I mean that it might feel irresistible to feed into in the moment, but you always regret it later… it always makes things worse.)

Instead of resisting total acceptance and being OK with it, resist your urge to judge the situation. Find the part of yourself that can say, “I don’t know why things are the way they are right now, but somehow this is for the best.”

Also remember that whether he is over it or not has nothing to do with you and your process. It might give you some sense of satisfaction to know that he’s still pining away, but where will that get you? And would that really help you move on in a healthy way?

Breakups are always difficult. Instead of focusing on how he’s feeling, and why he’s (seemingly) moving on so quickly, focus on yourself and on what you need to do to get to a healthy, stable place, one that will open the gates that lead to a long-lasting, loving relationship.

Quiz: Can You Get Your Ex Back?

Hope it helps,
eric charles

21 comments… add one

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Taylor

My ex must be in the same situation.

I found it really odd. She screwed up royally (I wont get into it) and I let it slide but I wanted changes. Then she broke up with me. I was trying to see if we could work it out and she completely closed the door on it. My ex had left her backpack here on her way to work (she goes right by this way and came over to make sure I was doing OK because being on unemployment I was alone in the house all the days) and my ex that dumped me was certain that my other ex had moved in already.

Next time the girl that dumped me she demanded to know if that girl had moved back in, I told her go ahead search the bedroom see if you can find any of her things, which she didnt. She made it absolutely clear in no uncertain terms when I pressed to see if we could maybe live apart and see eachother and rebuild what he had but said she didn’t want to “give me the wrong idea”.

Eventually I did get back together with that ex girlfriend. The girl that dumped me got so angry with me she left me some awful notes saying she hoped that I would die, left some warped sick things on my doorstep and refuses to talk to me and says if I try talking to her she will call the police.

Women are quite confusing creatures. If ever getting back together is completely off the table, she was the dumper, what the heck does she care if I get together with another woman. It’s not like some random, it’s an ex-fiancee. She actually had the nerve to say I was cheating by having this girl over AFTER she dumped me and said there was no chance of us getting back together.

Women who get into this snit need to take a hard look at themselves. It’s called a breakup. By it’s nature, unless your in the process of trying to work things out both parties are technically single, and free to do what you want with whoever you want. Whether the girl dumped the guy, or the guy dumped the girl, it takes two to tango. At least one person wasn’t happy and needed something to change and the dam broke.

Relationships are about compromise. If one or both parties refuse to compromise and breaks it off, it’s nobody’s business what each the other is doing in their love life. Obviously rubbing it in the ex’s face is just cruel. But usually the one who is upset about the other moving on is the inquisitive one who will try to find out the answer they don’t want to hear.

Reply November 25, 2016, 6:59 am

John

My gf and I broke up 2 weeks ago. Our relationship lasted for 2 years. I was really heartbroken when she suddenly just dropped the news to me. I tried so hard to convince her that relationships need time to work out and that we just needed to think of a way. Unfortunately it wasn’t what she had in mind. And so I cried a whole week but after that… It just didn’t feel as painful anymore. To be honest I’m kind of puzzled by my own emotions. How could I not feel as attached as I had been a few days ago. Ofcourse I would get moments when i just burst in tears. But other than that i barely care anymore. I thought about it and the only logical explanation i can think of is that my mind has subconscious lock away the painful emotions I had. Thats what i think.

Reply November 17, 2016, 9:45 am

Bob

Me and my boyfriend date for about 5 months and broke up. He loved me whole heartedly and it was not like him to move on that fast. He have another girlfriend a week after our breakups but as for me, it has been 5 months since we broke up but I cannot move on. I try everything that I can possibly do but i cannot seem to move on. He seem to be really happy with his new girlfriend but he would text me once in a while like he still loved me. The other day we meet and it feels like he still love me but the next day he would act as if nothing had happen. What should I do?

Reply October 17, 2016, 6:18 pm

Jackie

Hello im new to this. But maybe some advice would help. I’ve been with my husband for 20+ years been married 11 years. Just out of nowhere he told me he wasn’t in love with me. He packed his stuff n moved out. A week n a half later he finds someone else. Then today I find out its a girl we both know from middle school. She was my friend. How can only being a part 3 weeks he can just up and find someone after all these years being together. He wants me to get over him fast but I can’t I love him we have kids together. Why are some men so heartless

Reply September 20, 2016, 12:59 am

Kate

Your advice is getting better Eric from the last lot I had haha. For seven years I’d let my ex cheat on me, neglect me etc and eventually I stopped loving him. It was then he started trying to be good to me finally. I tried to get my feelings back for two years but I couldn’t so I ended it. I felt awful although I shouldn’t have. He seemed very upset and tried everything he could to change my mind. offered kids, marriage even pay for surgery he knows I so desperately want even though he never wanted any of these things EVER. It’s only been a month but I found out a week after our breakup that he had been talking to someone else. He’s now planning on seeing them. I don’t understand men. He made me feel so guilty and depressed thinking I’d hurt him but the whole time he had someone else to fall back on. Obviously I feel disrespected and humiliated, I acted like a friend to him. No more, I just think that men are heartless creeps.

Reply September 10, 2016, 6:56 am

Chanice

Hi, I need some advice on my ex.

My boyfriend of six months and I had broken up about two weeks ago, about a day or two later he had started talking to a girl who had broken up with her partner of five years not sure how long ago was that.

So any way the following Monday night he had gone out, supposedly with some mates but turned out to be a lie cause he had been with her the whole time, and didn’t go home until that saturday afternoon and he had brought her around to the house, a place I had called mine own for six months, he had said he was not happy with me, we all know relationships has its ups and downs, so anyway said he had moved on but then he was also going through depression before and after we had meet, and he was also smoking weed and still is,

What I am asking is this a rebound thing?

I hope to hear your advice soon, thanks

Reply August 21, 2016, 5:45 pm

Patty

This article brought me understating of my current situation. Thank you. Any books you recommend?

Reply July 11, 2016, 1:41 am

nicole

How is it possible for a man who had a good woman that gave him all that he needed and to then leave her just after a day of taling to some chick that he had been only talking secretly for 2 werks and been with me for 1/1/2

Reply May 28, 2016, 5:58 pm

Krista

I’m in that same situation now but yet not. My boyfriend of three and a half years ran into a gay kid we went to highschool with. They have been secretly texting since then. last Monday he broke up with me after my wisdom tooth surgery saying he was “sexually confused and our relationship was too serious for him.”
We just went on vacation literally about three weeks ago and he was fine! He is completely ignoring me and I don’t think I’ve ever been so hurt before by anyone.
He said there is nobody else, but I don’t know.

Reply July 17, 2016, 11:51 pm

AJ

I agree! We men take relationships just as hard as some women. There are men and women alike that won’t take it hard and move on easily. Men and women habe many similarities when it comes to relationships.

Reply May 24, 2016, 11:03 pm

Sunshinr

This is really nice. It made me somehow smile today. Thank you!

Reply April 16, 2016, 7:00 am

Jr

Most helpful. Thanks

Reply March 15, 2015, 7:53 am

sabrina

it seems to me that you can know if he feels like crap after a breakup. asuming it wasn’t mutual and was cut by the boyfriend. if he were to think he made a mistake and would feel deep dipretion over the breakup he would get up his ass and and to “win” the girl back.
it seems that winning her over twise would a. be an ego boost. b. satisfy his thought that he made a mistake. c. would coelece with this whole “men need to win the world” they won the same girl twice that’s a double victory!
anyway i do think that unless the man talkes to you or tries to reach out after a break up (or even if YOU reach out and he’s cold and distant) then it means he has move on!
my boufriend just broke up with me after 2 year on the phone last onth so i know how much the notion of someone getting over you so fast can be… but se la vie!

Reply February 2, 2015, 8:17 am

MF

Last week me and my boyfriend decided to take time apart. We didn’t set terms nor time frame. We haven’t spoken to each other since (one week). I know he was talking to someone else before we parted and still do. I love him, but I can’t stand the disrespect. I think if in two weeks he doesn’t contact me he has moved on and so should I.

Reply January 12, 2015, 8:58 pm

mia

Usually the person who had already “checked out” moves on faster -especially if there was someone else involved.

Reply July 12, 2014, 1:38 am

Wendy

That is so true! My bf and I broke up a little a month ago and because he had already found someone else, he doesn’t bother about me anymore. For me, because I could not find another (and do not have the intention to), I’m still not over him. It’s sad, really.

Reply May 4, 2015, 6:30 am

Moureen

I loved a guy soo much for two years and later broke up with me but he’s now sending me texts what can I do

Reply May 31, 2014, 4:56 pm

thandaza

its been 3 years now we had a silence break-up and he never talked to me since then, never said its over, i loved him all these years surely he moved on. how can i bring him back, now he talks with me but nothing about our relationship

Reply May 24, 2014, 11:46 am

Wendy

Don’t even bother about that kind of guy who leaves you hanging for 3 years!

Reply May 4, 2015, 6:31 am

Pearl

I concur. If he’s not talking specifically about reconnecting what you had three year’s ago, it’s all meaningless. It’s been three years, move on.

Reply September 18, 2015, 1:51 pm

kary

Men are not totally different from women when it comes to love. some say that men move on so fast after the break up while the woman still sobs from pain. But the truth is, men and women are just the same. It depends on a person’s perspective in love. If a person attached herself/himself too much to the other person then he/she will be having a hard time to move on.

Reply May 21, 2014, 10:48 pm

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