Ask A Guy: Was I Just Not ‘The One’? post image

Ask A Guy: Was I Just Not ‘The One’?


I was with this guy for almost a year and he refused to be “official” saying he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship. I eventually ended it, seeing that he was never gonna change. He immediately starting dating someone else and after 3 weeks she was his official ‘girlfriend.’ What the hell? I don’t understand at all. He used to go on and on listing all these reasons why he couldn’t be in a relationship at this point in his life, was it all bullshit? Or was I just not ‘the one?’

See our guy’s response after the jump!

I could speculate, but I don’t have enough information on this to pinpoint my answer.

So here are my guesses on what happened.

He’s being vindictive

I mention this first because I feel it’s the first conclusion someone would jump to.  You mentioned that you ended the relationship when you “saw he wasn’t going to change.”

Depending on his personality and whether or not the end of the relationship bruised his ego, it’s possible that on some level the divulging of this new relationship was meant as a parting slight against you.

Still, it’s most likely that he’s not trying to be vindictive at all.  If you ended the relationship and said that he wasn’t going to change, my guess is that you made the right move and he’s moving along as well.  Hard to watch, but everyone has their way of dealing with relationship pains.

He’s “making amends”

There’s the possibility that he regrets the way his relationship with you went and wants to “right his wrongs” by dating this girl “officially”.  Everyone makes mistakes.  The mistakes made in one relationship sometimes become the lessons learned for the next…

Bad timing/Good timing

I’ve had relationships at bad times in my life.  The one that most prominently comes to mind for me is when I didn’t have a job and I had just broken up with my last girlfriend (she had dumped me, so I was in an exceptionally bad frame of mind).  Just as I was beginning to start the process of getting over the last girlfriend, I ended up in a new relationship that I really was not ready to be in.

I didn’t have a stable job.  I wasn’t working out.  I wasn’t over my last relationship.  I really should have been taking time to get myself back into order, but instead I jumped into a relationship that I wasn’t ready for.

Which brings me to my next point…

He worked through his issues

In the context of that ill-timed relationship, I really should have worked out my own stuff before jumping into another relationship.  As a result, I ended up working through my own issues inside that relationship.  Since I didn’t have my act together, I didn’t want to commit to any kind of relationship.

As that relationship went on, fights and sore points inevitably came up.  A lot of it came in the form of the official “girlfriend title”, but I believe that was just a manifestation of me not having my act together.  Personally, I find it much easier to commit when I feel like the rest of my life is in order.

To tie up the point, it’s possible that he didn’t feel he had his act together when he was with you and now he feels he does.

It just wasn’t “the one”

With all that said, it is possible that your relationship wasn’t, as you put it, “the one”.  Even if that’s the case, it doesn’t mean that his new relationship is “the one” either.

There are no guarantees with relationships.  The best we can do is try our best to understand the other person, try our best to be understood by them and bring our best self to the table.  It doesn’t always work out that way, but it’s what we all aim for.

When a relationship ends, it’s not always a bad thing.  Doesn’t mean it’s not sad or painful, but in many cases it’s the right thing.  The best thing you can do is to forgive yourself for anything you regret about the relationship and keep things in perspective.  Needlessly blaming yourself or questioning your actions can be a major trap in these situations.

Chances are that this is more about him working through his own issues than anything you did right or wrong in the relationship.

Hope it helps.

– eric charles

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