“I’ve been seeing this guy for almost 6 months now. Everything is pretty much perfect- we love spending time together, he really cares about me, we spend almost every night together, and we’re pretty much a ‘couple’ in the conventional sense. The only problem is he won’t call me his girlfriend. I’ve tried bringing it up and when I do he almost makes me feel guilty about it and says things like ‘what we have is so special, why do we have to label it?’ I know he had a painful breakup with his girlfriend before me which I think might be a part of this, so I’m trying to be understanding but I don’t think one thing should have anything to do with the other. Sometimes I’m okay with how things are, but other times I get really angry, especially when my friends get on my case about it. Our relationship is starting to suffer now because even though I say I’m fine with how things are, deep down this is really bothering me and I feel really hurt by the fact that even though I am his ‘girlfriend,’ he won’t acknowledge me in that way. Can you please shed some light on what’s going on here?”
Read our guy’s response after the jump.
If a guy won’t call you his girlfriend after a month (two months tops), then I would say it means that he’s enjoying the relationship exactly where it is and at this moment will not take it any further unless he is inspired to.
I guess the simple answer as to why he won’t call you his girlfriend is because he doesn’t have to. To a guy, calling a girl is girlfriend is typically a huge pain in the ass and if the girl is making herself so available and so committed when he hasn’t committed to anything, why would he call her his girlfriend? If a store was giving you free stuff, would you say ‘no please, let me pay you for it’? I’m going to guess, no…
Now, with that said, that does not necessarily mean that there’s no chance of you becoming his girlfriend. There are some things you can do (mostly by just shifting your perspective) that can help tremendously.
For starters, I have seen a lot of girls get caught up on this issue and as a result, they bring it up more and more, smothering every ounce of joy from the relationship. At that point the relationship stops being fun and full of happiness and starts becoming more like a battle of wills. And from a guy’s perspective, when a relationship gets like this, it becomes much less likely for a guy to want to stay. Why would the guy want to deepen a relationship when it doesn’t feel good and seems to only be getting worse?
My recommendation is to avoid badgering him about the topic. Bringing it up once is enough, trust me.
So what makes a guy want to call you his girlfriend? Well, the most important advice I can give is to have a high sense of self worth- know what you want and know that you CAN get what you want and never have to settle for anything less. Now this isn’t something that you need to say, it should just come across in how you act.
I would say focus on being fun and lighthearted and enjoying the relationship for exactly what it is. But beyond that, I would especially recommend that you keep your options open and you continue keeping up with all your other social activities that do not involve him: seeing your friends, attending any functions you like to go to, etc. It is important that you keep your time and company only as available as he is willing to be - match your level of commitment to his so that you are not left hanging.
Now, some things to think about…
If you like the relationship for exactly what and where it is, then stay. If you are not satisfied with it, exactly as it is, then you should keep looking.
There are a multitude of reasons why he may not call you his girlfriend. Maybe he just got out of a relationship (like in this case) and does not want another commitment that ends in pain. Maybe he likes you, but he doesn’t want to feel “tied down” by a relationship. Maybe he likes you a lot, but he knows that he’s not in a position where he can fully commit to you because he has a lot on his plate to deal with and will continue to for the foreseeable future.
Regardless of the reason, it’s nobody’s job to play psychiatrist or detective. The relationship at the moment is either working for you or it’s not.
I think there are a few traps in this sort of situation. One is staying in a relationship you are not happy in and haven’t been happy in for a while, but you’re staying in it because of the “potential of what it could be.”
Frankly, if you don’t like it the way it is, it probably will not change unless he is motivated to change it. If it has not been working for you for a while, then your best bet is probably to lay your cards out on the table: “This is the change I need or I need to leave.” You will either get it or your relationship will end – either way, you’re off the fence instead of settling for an unhappy situation.
Another trap is being in a relationship that you ARE totally happy in, then letting your friend’s “advice” get into your head.
I’ve seen it before. One girl who is pretty much happy in her relationship goes out with her girlfriends. Her relationship isn’t a picture-perfect, fairytale relationship, but there’s no such thing as perfect and overall it is a very good, fulfilling relationship for her.
So this girl’s out with her friends, brings up her relationship and then all of a sudden it’s like a Jerry Springer audience teamed up with the cast of the View to give their advice. Moreover, usually the girls giving “advice” are single and haven’t had a successful relationship to date. As a result, their “advice” is more about the girls projecting their own frustrations outward onto that girl’s relationship. Still they are her friends and she trusts their opinion.
And hey, it’s not just women who do this! I’ve seen guys in a relationship go out with their single guy friends – after a beer or two, his buddies are ragging on him for being in a relationship and venting their frustrations. Same thing.
It reminds me of my overweight PhysEd teacher in middle-school. I’m not going to take fitness advice from someone who is terrible shape and I would encourage you not to ever listen to dating advice from someone who has never had a good relationship (unless you are looking for a recipe on how NOT to act).
All in all, relationships take work. I am not advocating abandoning a relationship because it’s not perfect – nothing ever is. But at the same time, it is a sobering reality to see a relationship for exactly what it is and not what it could be. Only you know if the relationship is working for you or not.
Hope it helps,
eric charles
Got a question? Send it to askaguy@anewmode.com and we’ll get you some answers!
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ok. 1. we all have baggage, and you brought his to light saying that he had a rough go of things with his last girlfriend, 2. you’re only making things worse by (1.) indicating that you are okay with his reply, then (2.) taking it on him on him later- not to mention lying to him- because you are clearly not okay with his answer.
obviously things are NOT going well in your… er… relationship? why be with someone that does not want to commit to you?
your friends are onto something. they aren’t just pestering you. they are vested in your heart, not his and they are trying to protect you. sometimes we have a hard time sniffing out the evil when we are too close. I would trust their scent and either:
1. have a conversation with him and tell him EXACTLY what you want and need from him in a relationship (to include being called his “girlfriend”).
2. go on pretending that you are okay with this, because there must be something more to your relationship than just this one issue.
3. leave.
i am lonely guy like to be ur frnd
I would not give up if you deeply within you believe it is what you want and need. He may just be scared of being engulfed in someone he cares deeply for and then have it not work out later in which could hurt more than life itself. He may just be being cautious of his own and your feelings. OR he just doesn’t know how to approacj the situation with the object of his affection.
personally agreed the realtionship couldn’t be change tremendously as what you expect when your boyfriend is just not a guy that you’re looking for but you insist to stick with him and want him to change on some way.
“To a guy, calling a girl is girlfriend is typically a huge pain in the ass”
What I don’t understand is how it’s a “huge pain in the ass” just to say the freakin’ words.
Well, saying the words isn’t difficult. Meaning them is a different story.
If the guy has already made up his mind that he wants to “settle down” in a monogamous long-term relationship, he really likes you and he can picture the relationship working out long term, then saying the words is no problem.
But guys aren’t always in that place. Sometimes we are, but other times our minds are on other things. If our mind isn’t on having a relationship at that time, then the thought of having one can seem like adding one more commitment to an already “full plate”. That doesn’t mean we don’t like the girl, doesn’t mean we are “anti-relationship” – just means that at that moment we don’t think we could make a relationship work out in the long run.
In my opinion, it is much better to have a guy not say that you’re his girlfriend when he doesn’t think it will work out than to have him “just say the words” and have it mean nothing. Might not be what the girl wants to hear, but at least the guy is maintaining his integrity.
Hey: This was the best advice EVER! Men do not like to be forced to do anything they dont want to do.
Right now: I have a relationship with a male “friend”. He says that he is not ready for anything too serious, so I respect that and keep it moving.
BUT: he is sending me mixed signals: calling me baby, holding me at night, kissing me goodbye, getting jealous of other guys. But he calls me his FRIEND.
Confusing really.
I’m playing it cool cuz I like him. Any suggestions are welcome.
This is excellent advice. I am in that situation where I have been seeing someone for 9 months but he won’t fully commit by calling me his girlfriend. It hurts because I always thought I wasn’t good enough or he didn’t like me.. but I think it has to do more with him not wanting to be tied down, like you said. I have only brought it up once but I will definitely take your advice by keeping my options open and when it comes to the point where I’m done with the non-commital dating, I will give him the ultimatum. Thank you!
I think the problem is that you’re spending every night together…so he’s getting his cake and eating it too. A woman falls in love with a man’s presence whereas a man falls in love with a woman’s absence. You’re not giving him a chance for him to miss you and therefore not motivating him to take the relationship to the next step. I don’t necessarily agree that a guy has to call you his girlfriend after dating only a couple of months. Really? How can you know someone well enough to make that kind of commitment after a relatively short period of time. I dated a guy who talked about marriage after a month of dating and that completely freaked me out because there was no way to liked me for me; he was just in love with the idea of love and I didn’t feel special. If this is a relationship you want to work out and you’re happy with him, then take a step back. If he truly cares for you, he will step forward to make up for you’re taking back. Be independent, spend time with friends, don’t spend every night with him (because honestly, he hasn’t earned all of your evenings), and have fun. If he’s not calling you his girlfriend, I would put myself in the single mentality (and this doesn’t mean you’re sleeping with anyone though). If he wants you out of that mentality, then he’ll have to step up to the plate.
Eric Charles,
That makes a lot of sense now. The difference between men and women is that men divide work and relationships, and women on the other hand sort of use relationships as a drive.
One more question though: Why do guys is in a relationship make the effort to keep in touch with females he has had intimate relations with in the past? Is it an insecurity issue?
Maybe this AaG article will answer your question:
http://www.anewmode.com/dating-relationships/ask-a-guy-when-hes-still-in-touch-with-his-ex/
Okay. That makes sense. But the guy doesn’t need to make the effort to keep in touch with old flings. I just feel like he’s making more of an effort than the females he’s keeping in touch with. But overall I do agree with everything in that article.