Ask a Guy: When a Guy Won’t Call You His Girlfriend post image

Ask a Guy: When a Guy Won’t Call You His Girlfriend


“I’ve been seeing this guy for almost 6 months now. Everything is pretty much perfect- we love spending time together, he really cares about me, we spend almost every night together, and we’re pretty much a ‘couple’ in the conventional sense. The only problem is he won’t call me his girlfriend. I’ve tried bringing it up and when I do he almost makes me feel guilty about it and says things like ‘what we have is so special, why do we have to label it?’ I know he had a painful breakup with his girlfriend before me which I think might be a part of this, so I’m trying to be understanding but I don’t think one thing should have anything to do with the other. Sometimes I’m okay with how things are, but other times I get really angry, especially when my friends get on my case about it. Our relationship is starting to suffer now because even though I say I’m fine with how things are, deep down this is really bothering me and I feel really hurt by the fact that even though I am his ‘girlfriend,’ he won’t acknowledge me in that way. Can you please shed some light on what’s going on here?”

Read our guy’s response after the jump.

If a guy won’t call you his girlfriend after a month (two months tops), then I would say it means that he’s enjoying the relationship exactly where it is and at this moment will not take it any further unless he is inspired to.

I guess the simple answer as to why he won’t call you his girlfriend is because he doesn’t have to. To a guy, calling a woman his girlfriend is typically a huge pain in the ass and if the woman is making herself so available and so committed when he hasn’t committed to anything, why would he call her his girlfriend? If a store was giving you free stuff, would you say ‘no please, let me pay you for it’? I’m going to guess, no…

Now, with that said, that does not necessarily mean that there’s no chance of you becoming his girlfriend. There are some things you can do (mostly by just shifting your perspective) that can help tremendously.

For starters, I have seen a lot of women get caught up on this issue and as a result, they bring it up more and more, smothering every ounce of joy from the relationship. At that point the relationship stops being fun and full of happiness and starts becoming more like a battle of wills. And from a guy’s perspective, when a relationship gets like this, it becomes much less likely for a guy to want to stay. Why would the guy want to deepen a relationship when it doesn’t feel good and seems to only be getting worse?

My recommendation is to avoid badgering him about the topic. Bringing it up once is enough, trust me.

So what makes a guy want to call you his girlfriend? Well, the most important advice I can give is to have a high sense of self worth- know what you want and know that you CAN get what you want and never have to settle for anything less. Now this isn’t something that you need to say, it should just come across in how you act.

I would say focus on being fun and lighthearted and enjoying the relationship for exactly what it is. But beyond that, I would especially recommend that you keep your options open and you continue keeping up with all your other social activities that do not involve him: seeing your friends, attending any functions you like to go to, etc. It is important that you keep your time and company only as available as he is willing to be - match your level of commitment to his so that you are not left hanging.

Now, some things to think about…

If you like the relationship for exactly what and where it is, then stay. If you are not satisfied with it, exactly as it is, then you should keep looking.

There are a multitude of reasons why he may not call you his girlfriend. Maybe he just got out of a relationship (like in this case) and does not want another commitment that ends in pain. Maybe he likes you, but he doesn’t want to feel “tied down” by a relationship. Maybe he likes you a lot, but he knows that he’s not in a position where he can fully commit to you because he has a lot on his plate to deal with and will continue to for the foreseeable future.

Regardless of the reason, it’s nobody’s job to play psychiatrist or detective. The relationship at the moment is either working for you or it’s not.

I think there are a few traps in this sort of situation. One is staying in a relationship you are not happy in and haven’t been happy in for a while, but you’re staying in it because of the “potential of what it could be.”

Frankly, if you don’t like it the way it is, it probably will not change unless he is motivated to change it. If it has not been working for you for a while, then your best bet is probably to lay your cards out on the table: “This is the change I need or I need to leave.” You will either get it or your relationship will end – either way, you’re off the fence instead of settling for an unhappy situation.

Another trap is being in a relationship that you ARE totally happy in, then letting your friend’s “advice” get into your head.

I’ve seen it before. One woman who is pretty much happy in her relationship goes out with her girlfriends. Her relationship isn’t a picture-perfect, fairytale relationship, but there’s no such thing as perfect and overall it is a very good, fulfilling relationship for her.

So this girl’s out with her friends, brings up her relationship and then all of a sudden it’s like a Jerry Springer audience teamed up with the cast of the View to give their advice. Moreover, usually the women giving “advice” are single and haven’t had a successful relationship to date. As a result, their “advice” is more about the women projecting their own frustrations outward onto that girl’s relationship. Still they are her friends and she trusts their opinion.

And hey, it’s not just women who do this! I’ve seen guys in a relationship go out with their single guy friends – after a beer or two, his buddies are ragging on him for being in a relationship and venting their frustrations. Same thing.

It reminds me of my overweight PhysEd teacher in middle-school. I’m not going to take fitness advice from someone who is terrible shape and I would encourage you not to ever listen to dating advice from someone who has never had a good relationship (unless you are looking for a recipe on how NOT to act).

All in all, relationships take work. I am not advocating abandoning a relationship because it’s not perfect – nothing ever is. But at the same time, it is a sobering reality to see a relationship for exactly what it is and not what it could be. Only you know if the relationship is working for you or not.

Hope it helps,

eric charles

{ 169 comments… add one }

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Linda April 15, 2014, 4:11 pm

woman always want to “know” this was actually really good advice. you cant force a guy you cant force his hand. if youre not happy leave, if your fine with things then do what makes you happy..i have to agree with this!!

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Erin October 26, 2013, 2:16 am

How would i go about handling a situation with my ex boyfriend, who is now my boyfriend again, where yes, we got back together (2 months ago) but he still has not told a single soul that we are officially back together? We had a messy breakup, and talked on and off for like two years before getting back together. Right now, while he claims he is in love with me, i just can’t help but think “hmm, if he is that in love with me then why doesn’t he want anyone to know about it? I know his parents don’t like me, but why should that matter if he is in love with me? I did confront him about it like two weeks ago and i said “i feel like you don’t care about my feelings and i feel unimportant because you are hiding me and our relationship from everyone. Are you ever going to tell anyone? If you are, then it needs to be very soon because i can’t be with someone who isn’t proud to call me his girlfriend, even if people don’t like me. Are you THAT ashamed?” His response was “i don’t want to tell anyone unless I’m positive that we will stay together long term. I don’t want my friends and family giving me crap about it.” Ok fine, i see his point on that. But, it’s been almost two months since getting back together and he has even said he wants us to be long term and that he’s ready to settle down with me, yet he still wants to keep it a secret. Then whenever i even hint at the fact that he needs to tell people about us, he freaks out and says i need to respect his feelings? ? Wtf? Tonight, he went to a Halloween party at his parents house. It’s a tradition of theirs. I called him, but he ignored the call. I couldn’t leave a voicemail because it’s not set up on his phone and hasn’t been for awhile. I then text him saying “have fun at the party babe”. No response. Right now, I’m just a little frustrated. I love him, but after two months of waiting for him to tell anyone and i really have not badgered him at all about it, is it really worth it for me to stay? I don’t want to overreact, but my feelings are so hurt by this! Am i? Am i overreacting? I need advice, thank you.

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mandy September 26, 2013, 2:58 am

OMG! yet again, I read yet another article and it all just becomes so crystal clear to me. I have been dating a man for two months now. He holds my hand in public, has introduced me to his best and most close and personal friends, and the few family members he has that live in this state. He takes me out, he makes future plans, in short he’s FANTASTIC. The sex is unbelievable, its fun, its sexy, its fufilling. With as much time as he spends with me, I cannot even IMAGINE that hes dating another girl bc He spends a LOT of money courting me, and what self respecting guy would want to spend ALL his money on dating? Even if you make good money that is just, NOT fun. Everything he does in our dating routine is better than any man has EVER treated me, and its amazing. I was SO happy with him and the exact nature of our relationship, because I can see this man, and still go out and flirt and be who I am without concern or worry that it will offend a person or go against our relationship. It was beautiful. THis was the perfect relationship in my eyes, this man could do NO wrong in my eyes. He talked and I just got LOST in his eyes, and I cannot ever remember feeling that way about a man and I have lived with three and been in four SERIOUS relationships in my life. But THEN (wait shit another great thing about this man he tried to teach me the difference between then and than but I have forgotten so I hope I am using the right one) my gf that I live with started bugging me about him. She told me he is SO great you would be stupid not to snatch this man up before someone else does and instantly started nagging and pressuring me about locking this thing down and over the past two weeks I have suddenly started doubting him and his intentions and the relationship. I say the only good thing I have working for me is that I am never a woman to say how I feel without deep thought over it, so I havent gone off the deep end and started nagging this man. Thus far I have said NOTHING to him about giving this is a title bc I loved it just as it was. But I started going crazy in my own right bc of my crazy gfs. THis article is a godsend for me bc it confirms exactly as I was prior to talking to my friends. If its not broke dont fix it. Why in gods name do I need a stupid label or title when this man is giving me every inch of everything I have ever desired in a man or a relationship with the pressure and scariness of a title. If he suddenly CHANGES on me (like every man I ve ever dated has) I can walk away so easily bc hes NOT my bf. Hallelujah I can breathe!!! This article was so important to read at this exact moment in my life, THANK you a thousand times over

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Lys December 12, 2013, 8:42 pm

Your comment even more than this article helped me to realize that I love what I have with my man and the appreciate it instead of worrying about a silly title. Thank You!

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Sally December 26, 2012, 9:38 am

If you are really burning to know why he won’t commit, and he refuses to give you a REAL reason (I’m sorry but that whole “lets not label this” thing is bullshit and I’ve heard it before from guys who were going behind my back with other women), then dump him. If he really cares about you he’ll want you back and will do everything possible to get you back no matter what it takes. If he doesn’t respond in the way you want its probably because he thinks he has other options, which means you were not his first priority, which is why he would not commit to you in the first place. He WANTS to keep his options open for a reason. Its as simple as that. It’ll hurt to dump him, but it will save you a whole lot of inconvenience with going crazy and wondering wondering WONDERING in the future. Just do it. Trust me. And yes, I am single. That doesn’t mean I don’t have good advice to offer. In fact, I’m telling you to do the opposite of what I did: Don’t stay with him!!! It will drive you insane. Just move on. A guy who really loves you and cares about you would most definitely ask you to be his girlfriend by the first few months in. That’s just a fact. If the guy is still hurting from another past relationship then he shouldn’t be in one at all, so he should not be stringing you along. Its that simple. Sorry, but the truth hurts. This goes for all the commenters here.

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Kyndall October 3, 2012, 9:29 am

Ive been seeing a guy for 3 months now. Ive been wondering for awhile why he hasnt asked me to be his gf yet..we both tell each other that we really like one another. We text every single day. Try and spend as much time together which is hard since we go to different school, but because of that we make sure to spend time together on the weekends. He has met my mother but im not sure if his parents even know about me..which also concerns me. Its not like people dont know we are together; there are pictures on fb, twitter, etc. And we have gone out to public places many times and have been seen as a couple. Many people assume that we are dating and are suprised when they ask me if we are dating and i respond no. My friends are always on my case saying “if he really liked you, you guys would be official by now.” First off, those are the friends who have never had a good relationship. But still, their opinion sometimes does get stuck in my head.
We can use yesterday (october 2, 2012) as an example. That was our “3 months.” We spent time together that night as a couple would. He even referred to it as an anniversary like a couple would..but yet he wont make it official.
All my friends just think that he is playing me, using me for sex, etc..the usual. I tell them theres more than that, i can feel it. I think im starting to fall on love with this guy! I have brought up the topic before a few times of “making it official.” He seems like he really doesnt want to talk about it..and i dont want to push him away by keep asking. And i want him to WANT to call me his gf, not feel like hes being forced to..

If someone could respond to this it would help me a lot..i need answers!!! Thank you:-)

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Chelsea September 1, 2012, 5:58 am

WOW! I googled on why the EXACT same situation that girl in the main story was going through what I was going through too and to my suprise what you told her made me open my eyes up a bit. I was (and currently still am) going through the same situation she was and I’ve got to say it’s TOUGH! I never really knew the answer to why I stopped being with him or continued .. but now I know. THANK YOU!!! /: sucks to say I gave a part of my heart away and now I feel like I’ve been used

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ReMa July 24, 2012, 6:08 pm

“I would encourage you not to ever listen to dating advice from someone who has never had a good relationship (unless you are looking for a recipe on how NOT to act).”

That’s complete BS. I’ve been given horrible advice from my girl friends and guy friends who have been in ‘successful’ relationships.

Btw, any relationship that ends in a break up is a failed relationship, sorry.

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Karen July 24, 2012, 6:56 pm

Ummm… first off, saying DON’T listen to people who have bad relationships isn’t saying to blindly follow advice from people who are in relationships. All that was said hear is don’t take advice from unsuccessful people. And sometimes relationships are meant to be steps along the way to the relationship you’re meant to end up in. I don’t agree with your opinion at all sorry.

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Karen July 24, 2012, 6:57 pm

*here (not hear whoops)

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JClair June 23, 2012, 7:55 pm

I have a situation where I have a guy that is too comfortable and he thinks I’m not going anywhere. So,
.
I’ve been going out with my girlfriends and meeting new guys, and I feel that I’m starting to care less about what happens with this relationship. I no longer feel that if he wants to take me out or not or call me or not, that, even though I’m upset, I can find someone new in a heartbeat.
.
The thing is that HIS behavior is changing a bit. He suddenly is angry and upset when I tell him I’m going out with the girls clubbing. He starting to become jealous of every guy I meet. And he said that I was now taking HIM for granted and that I stopped being as loving and caring as before.
.
Did I do something wrong (took it too far) or is this a normal reaction?

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Grace June 28, 2012, 3:48 am

He is mad at you for having a life?

Be affectionate towards him, but at the same time let him know that you are your own person. That’ll make him want to commit… if that is what you want. Although I am not an expert.

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Linda June 22, 2012, 9:59 pm

How do you stop acting like the girlfriend? I mean, how to you show him through actions (I’m tired of talking) that someone else might “claim” you? How do you make it clear that he might lose you, in order to trigger a little fear of losing me?
. Also,
I tried doing this by withdrawing a little bit and he got all upset saying that I was cold and distant and he felt I stopped caring and that I used to be more lovey-dovey a few months ago. Did I take it to far? Should I just keep going out with my friends and meeting new prospects and at the same time being as caring and loving as always?

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inna June 20, 2012, 11:54 am

I have the same problem. I even browse in the internet to find the answer, then I come to this site (I joined it afterward). my problem seems clear. I dated a guy for 6 months, he travel a lots for his work. but we made schedule to be together anytime it’s possible. I don’t mind with this situation, since I am also busy with work and study. We went holiday, party or whatever we could do to be together. I know his parents and friends well. but! he never tell me he loves me and he admitted that it is hard for him to have a girlfriend because his job, he is not sure abut his future, he is not ready for settling down. he thinks have a GF means get married and settle down soon. I told him that I am not even thinking to get married (I am still student!), I just need him to keep fidelity and enjoy what we feel. he agrees about it. but now.. I feel i lost interest in him. if he loves me he might tell me and he call me his GF no matter what his situation is. I start pull away slowly now.. i hope it is the best way, if one day he comes with the idea of break up (he almost have this thought once, but he canceled because he likes me a lot) I will be pretty much fine. I hope it is the best idea…

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Africanlegend March 14, 2012, 6:40 am

Just go out to dinner with another guy….The drinks with another. Don’t do anything silly on those events. That should either cause him to say F@ck it and leave, he may do nothing or he may try to secure you as his own. Either way you know wassup.

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ll February 29, 2012, 3:24 am

Worst. Advice.Ever.
If a guy isn’t willing to call you his girlfriend after six months, DTMFA.
He’s either uninterested or unavailable, and it’s time to move on.

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may February 29, 2012, 3:32 am

whats DTMFA and ya i do move on and he comes back like today he called me a million times and wanted to see me and talk things out.

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Suri September 14, 2012, 8:39 pm

After re-reading it, I think DTMFA’s short for “Dump That MoFo’s A*#%*” again, just a guess.

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may February 26, 2012, 7:18 pm

Sorry this is a long msg haha but plz i need answers.

Hey I met this guy this July that just passed. It started off as an attraction but we were both into each other. This guy was talking to a bunch of other girls too and i did not like it. We ended up in a bunch of things where I officially deleted him off everything and OFF my bbm.
about 3 weeks later or longer I get a random txt I check who it is from and its from him …
I told him what he wanted and he said he misses me and wants to hangout and I told him why would we hangout You seemed like u didnt want me to communicate with you any longer because last time i added u to bbm u deleted me? so i deleted u off everything. His response was..that he never deleted me and he can prove it to me if we HANGOUT,

I said Okay fine, we ended up hanging out and I guess he never deleted me .. my phone was just weird any whom I stayed friends with him but we started hanging out everyday..like everyday! with friends and without friends.. we are very attracted to each other and have an amazing connection.. Long story short ….well kinds short haha.. I ended up Losing it to him WITHOUT DATING HIM :( …we kept it on a friends lvl still but we both were only committed to each other. One day I went out and we were suppose to hangout together with a bunch of ppl so he did but i didnt because I got upset that I had no ride so I hungout with some guy I work with..This guy ended up asking me out!!

All night he was txting me and asking me what i am doing and to come over and he wants me to over. I said no, im already out. I went home and back to sleep I woke up withh a bunch of msges from him telling me to come over. I ended up telling him we shudnt hangout anymore some guy asked me out and i think i shud give it a shot. HE totally flipped out hes like wow how can u do this to me?????? im like wat? arnt we friends and nothing more???? he didnt want to tell me his feelings so i let it go but he really wanted to see me so i went and saw him and he was sooooooo passionate looking into my eyes and telling me to not say that we should not hangout anymore and how he really does not want to lose me …:S

I did not give a shit about the other guy who asked me out because at this point i really like this guy who ive been hanging out with.
I told him 2 days later tht i left the other guy and ever since we became like a couple..we cook together, shop, workout together, joke, crack jokes on each other …im there when his boys r there ..we are laid back and good together. And one time i brought up the relationship thing and he said hes not rdy but he does not want to lose me he just wants me and he is happy. So i said okay.

time went by and one day he told me he REALLY likes me and is falling for me..the feelings happend out of no where i asked him for how long this has been going onhe said a while. I got happy and told him the same ..he was really shocked and said ‘ wow really? i thought u just want to be friends…” and i said no.

he used to txt me saying hes so happy with me im always there for him and he doesnt know wut else he could ever ask for. thats why sometimes he is so skeptical about things because he thinks things like this cant be real. He was hurt before ..from his ex .

I told him i would never hurt him.

And now in total its been 9 months without asking me out. we got ina really big fight last week and ive been ignoring him he kept txting and calling me i ignored then i finally decided to pick up and i told him i am done..he msged me again appologzing for everything and then I DONT KNOW WHY I DID THIS but i said we barly even “do it ”
and he said yeah thats why i kept saying i really appiciate the friendship..maybe we are meant to be friends.

I AM SO STUPID i made it seem like i care about that when i DONT. just cuddling with him and kissing him is enough for me. spending time with him is amazing ..him kissing my hand and looking in my eyes with passion is enough, he even told me we shud get married when he is 27 lol…hes 24 now. SO i feel like IIIII put that thought in his head that we shud be friends. I mean i dont know. and now its been a few days without us msging each other idk whut to do :’(

sorry for the very long msg so if u can help me out wud be great<3

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Audra May 26, 2012, 2:22 am

I’m going through this same thing now. I’ve known this guy for a year this coming June. My sister tells me that if a guy says he doesn’t want to commit then move on because its the truth. But the way he (I’ll call him *JJ) holds/looks/talks to me says different. I asked him a week or 2 ago if we were going to continue to “play house” next semester at our college && he said the exact thing your guy said. He doesn’t wanna ruin it with a label && he doesn’t want a commitment. He isn’t messing with other girls && I’m not talking to anyone else really and I don’t think I’d be able to sleep next to him knowing that he had a one night stand or is talking to another girl…
We started off in a no strings attached type relationship, but it quickly grew into something neither of us was willing to admit. I feel silly even worrying about it. He is crazy about me. Last September, I started spending alot of time with this guy in band w/me. Long story short. I broke off me && JJ’s little sessions because I felt like this other guy would be a better pick for me && I was scared of my feeling for JJ, so on and so forth. I had to tell him because I felt like I was cheating. I never kissed or even held hands with this other guy from the day we met to the day that we stopped talking && began avoiding awkward conversation in the hall (that’s a WHOLE different story). I talked to this new guy til around Late November. The whole time I was talking to him, JJ would keep in touch with me. Asking me to hang out, ranting on how much he’d grown fond of me, he even “When I was gonna be his girl” …
All winter break, he would call me && talk to me all night. We exchanged our feelings and talked about what he would do to get me back…
We finally got back together in January && we’ve been spending close to every night && most weekends together since. We know every detail about each other && we’re basically a couple YET he still tells me he doesn’t wanna commit ! I’m in a different state for the summer && he said he is “holding it down” for me….
As happy as I am when I’m with him both of us have been hurt before && I’m in no position to be led on only for him to leave me && make some other girl is girlfriend in 2 weeks…
Thinkin about this is driving me crazy…

How can I let his know what I want without feeling like I’m forcing it out of him ?

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DEE February 17, 2012, 8:50 am

i m placed in a complecated situation..
i hav a best friend we r friends since 3 years.. nd i lovd him since d begining..
but i alwaes tuk him to b ma best friend nd nothing else…unfortunately his frnd fell for me nd i went out with him. thinking dat ma bstfrnd is nt intrestd in me. but ma bst frnd loved me truly.. nd den i broke up wit dat guy.. coz i realised dat i love ma best friend too… nd nw wen i tell ma bst frnd dat i love him he shift d situation nd tell me a lie saying dat he hav a gf..
but d truth is dat he is angry wit me coz i dated his frnd…
ma frndship with ma bst friend hav become preety much uncomfortable… he loves me but he is angry for wat i did.. .. nd i miss him aloooot:(… wat should i do to get him bak ? M TOTALLY DEPRESD abt ma situation… i love him trully .. wat should i do plzzzz help

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Erica February 14, 2012, 4:30 am

I “googled” a vague description of what I was going through and found your link…. I read the first 3 paragraphs and they were enough to know that you know exactly what you’re talking about. You only emphasized exactly what my gut was telling me. I don’t need to explain my situation because no matter why, I knew why he doesn’t want to call me his girlfriend. You tell it like it is and you verified my depressed belief. There is no reason to chase rainbows… It is or it isn’t. I thank you for your honesty. I only hope other girls get the message. =)

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Eric Charles February 14, 2012, 1:57 pm

Hey Erica,
.
Glad you found it helpful – it is true that I don’t sugarcoat my messages, but in the end knowing the truth and knowing how you can win in the dating world will get you where you ultimately want to be.
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I hope that you make whatever decisions you have to make at this moment and you go on to find true love. Good luck and thank you for the comment and kind words.

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Miss mackay February 12, 2012, 4:47 pm

Ive been dating this guy for over a year now, and he won’t make it official, he keeps saying he’s not ready,but the funny thing is, he keeps bringing me to his mums house, takes me out whenever he’s got free time, I even lived with his family for 6months. Am really confused on what to do,so I’ve decided to show him the cold shoulder untill am sure if I want to stay or go….
Please can I have some advice because I really don’t wanna mess this up.

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Kerry January 28, 2012, 10:35 am

My Storey: I went on a date with a guy from a dating website, we chatted for some time and then met up after he returned from a holiday. While he was away, he saw his ex (they had been seperated about 6 months) and got closure that she had moved on. He had met another girl before me and gone on dates with her, but seeing his caused him some pain I think and hence, because he didn’t know how things would go with the other girl he thought he would meet me too – it was probably about distracting himself. We slept together, but he also slept with the other girl too. I knew about her, she didn’t know about me – he told me straight away he had gone on a date with her and has always been honest. He decided to see how things went with her, saying he didn’t feel strongly about either of us and thought we were both nice – he had known her longer so thats what he decided to base his decision on. All the time we had been seeing each other he had acted like he really cared about me though (saying he could see himself falling in love with me but that scared him). Then over Christmas they split up, she was jealous of our relationship (we stayed friends and he spent more time with me than her) and he didn’t feel that they felt what they should do by this stage. Then on New Years eve me and him slept together again. Ever since, we have spent a lot of time together but he is still in contact with the other girl, they had a long weekend booked which they just came back from, where they shared a room. I asked if they had slept together and he said no … he also said he wasn’t ready for a relationship and he didn’t know how he would feel, that at the moment he enjoys seeing me 2/3 times a week and would commit to not seeing anyone else … so I don’t know what to do. I feel like I have two choices: Walk away and just be friends but then we will lose the closeness we have. Or I can wait and see if he develops feelings. Thing is, until he returned from the long weekend he was acting keen, he introduced me to his mum and dad, he would invite me over and ask me to stay all weekend … then this Thursday we was really off-ish. Looking away, being distant, trying to make out I was the problem not him! He said he has been having dreams about his ex (the one he only got closure from 3 months back during his holiday). He dreams they are still together then wakes up and they’re not. I know he still has some healing to do and I know they won’t get back together … but I am confused and I am scared that if I hang around, I will get more feelings but they will just use me as a companion or distraction until someone ‘special’ comes along. Any advice men?

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Marie September 14, 2012, 10:22 am

Run. He doesn’t know who he wants. Do you really want to be tossed around until he figures things out?

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Samm January 27, 2012, 3:36 pm

I was going through the exact same situation as all of you ladies, until I finally told him last week that I couldn’t handle a “casual relationship” anymore. You know, a relationship that has no committment, yet all the physical and emotional perks. We never had sex but we got close.

It’s hard to be so attached to someone who gives you a different excuse every week for why he cant commit to you. He even talked me into staying one time by telling me to have a little faith in him, that he would eventually want a relationship with me, he just wasnt ready now.

We were only seeing each other for 3 months, but it was really hard to be casual. I wanted more. He finally told me he couldnt give me what I wanted, so I ended it. Worse thing about it is that he says he still cares about me and wants to be friends.

I’ve never felt so rejected in my life, and it really really sucks. Especially b/c he had all of the qualities I’ve been looking for in a boyfriend. He even took me to meet his parents. Talk about rough.

We’re trying the friend thing, but I find myself really upset when a day goes by and we dont speak. IDK what to do. He is a great guy who I want in my life, but I want to move on. All I do is think about the past, when he was into me…and it hurts.

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JJ January 24, 2012, 12:34 pm

I have been seeing this guy for four month now, and i really like him as hes different from any other guy i’ve been with “the good guy type”, i think he likes me too. Doe i’m not really sure now as he does not want a proper relationship and wants to see how things go due his previews relationship, and i’m not sure if i’m Ok with that, as i want to know where i stand, i want to know what is it that we have, as i dont want a “friends with benefit” type of relationship as that has’nt worket out for me in the past. And recently it seems like hes avoiding to spend time with me, we talk everyday, but whenever i want us to spend time together, hes always busy, we’re both students and i’m busy with uni work too, but i can spare at least a day to spend time with him, i’m wordering whether this is becouse i asked “whats going on with us”, and i’m starting to think that maybe i should just not bother and get back to seeing other people. But i do really like him and want to give it a go.
Help!
J..x

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Bambi January 22, 2012, 7:21 pm

Am having a similar situation…

I’ve met this lovely guy we get on great. When we first met he offered me back to his and i assured him i wasnt that type of girl and that i wasnt looking for just sex, given a situation i had just left. he told me that wasnt the reason he wanted me to go back to his, he wanted to get to know me and even offered to bring my friends back aswell to his and if i didnt like it he would pay for my taxi home. We ended up at mine because it was closer but he stuck to his word and we sat and spoke all night and it was really nice. Our situation became more intimate and we make each other laugh, both feel easy to open up to one another bout our familys, personal experiences etc.

He is really busy with work and stuff and currently his living situation and also family stuff. I’ve been more than happy to patient and supportive of him. He had to cancel alot recently and the last time he cancelled on me i said to him basically i felt a bit silly asking him to do stuff all the time so he can contact me when its more convenient for him instead of me pestering him etc. he asked what exactly made me feel silly about it and i was honest with him a dont want him to loose interest in me.
The next day he phones me at midnight knowing i go to my favourite club every friday (where we met) confirming i was out and asking did i want to meet up as he was in town too i told him i would phone him back. after my friends overheard me talking to him they encouraged me to go meet him. So i phoned him back and we arranged to meet we both left our clubs early and met up. We got a taxi back to mine and i had found out he up and left his friends birthday to come see me (which i told him he shouldnt have!) we ended up very intimate and he gave me his undivided attention ignoren his phone and just was being so affectionate.

Because of the cancellations i had been confused about our situation so i asked him honestly, (as he knows this is the first time i’ve been properly single in like 6 years) “is this casual sex or are we seeing each other” told him i didnt want to make assumptions about where we were or what he thought of the situation. he told me he didnt know either but he ”is enjoying what it is and we should wait and see what happens” and am happy to go at a slow pace and said to him “am not meaning to make matters serious but you do realise that if we plan to continue for the next few months we will have to have a discussion on the matter” he told me that he was aware of that and was fine with it and was just as affectionate. part of me was worried i had brought up the matter too soon but we talked about how he was taken me on a date once he gets paid and talking about doing things next month or when he gets his car places we want to go together. he mentioned as of sunday he would be working straight til a certain date so i suggested we held of the date til then. he began to tip toe round the subject of if he has a late start one day (usually stupidly early) would i be interested in going to his house to watch a movie or hang out so jokenly i said ‘guess you will be to tired sex’ :P
And his reply was “probably but thats not reason am asking you over you know that”

My problem is i have two friends who are aware of my situation. One looks at it negatively and one looks at it more positively
(like my wee devil and angel on my shoulders lol) the negative one had got me a bit worried that fact he didnt want to label the situation but the postive friend pointed out his general attitude towards me doesnt seem like he just wants sex from me and didnt shy off when i brought up the situation or indicated that i wanted it to progress into something more eventually.

Should i be worried? or am i just overthinking it?

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glittergirl January 18, 2012, 8:47 pm

One thing that ticks me off with men is the assumption that you’re too available.

I mean you could just be a friendly, warm person and enthusiastic to talk to him because you wanna make the conversation interesting but it doesn’t mean u have the intention of getting with them.

Regardless of finding them physically attractive what makes them think that even if they did decide to pursue you, that you would automatically wanna be with them. Guys should know that they too are being tested, yes tested for their shallowness and selfishness.

I know plenty of guys who play mind games and are physically attractive but it doesn’t mean i would ever consider getting with them. In my estimation they’ve pretty much failed there right from the start..delusional Pr****! Let guys sing to your tune and dont sing to theirs!

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Paula Cronic January 16, 2012, 11:23 pm

Okay so I get it, a guy commits to a girl and the relationship tanks and isn’t fun anymore, resulting in him fearing commitment with the next fun girl he meets and really likes. BUT when does the guy finally realize this girl is different and know that making that commitment is only going to strengthen the relationship and make things more secure for the girl, how much time needs to go by before the guy knows this new girl isn’t going to ruin him ? It’s just not fair that the new girl has to pay for the previous girl’s mistakes.

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LaLa5001 January 13, 2012, 10:42 am

Thoughts…If you are not someone’s “girlfriend” or “boyfriend” but you spend time like you are…is it “OK” to sleep with someone else????

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twtbird0-0 April 22, 2012, 3:33 am

im in the exact situation!! ive been dating this guy for about 2 months n he wants to be exclusive meaning we only sleep with eachother BUT we are not in a relationship with the boyfriend girlfriend titles. He is saying this in other words to exclude the relationship factor. He may be afraid of commitment or just wanna have fun. but ull never know untill u ask him. Its good to talk about these things so u know what lines not to cross. For my guy, he doesnt want me sleeping with anyone else but also doesnt want in on a relationship just yet. So im just waiting to see where it goes, there’s no rush. BUT if ur not comfortable with it then screw him and on to the nxt one!

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Marie September 14, 2012, 10:31 am

Why cheapen yourself to sleep with anyone you are not married to?

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Mike Orion January 12, 2012, 6:51 pm

In my experience, the reason I end up not wanting to label things officially or say “I love you” is because it feels like every time things are going great, I’m enjoying being with her and I’m really happy, literally the moment after I make it “official” or say those three words, she changes, suddenly we’re fighting all the time. Suddenly, it’s no longer fun and I’m no longer happy. Suddenly, she wants her way in everything or we’re fighting.
In my experience, making it “official” or saying those words just ruins the relationship. I’m not the only guy that feels this way or has had this sort of experience.
She always wants to change it into something else and usually that something else, isn’t enjoyable for us.

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Meg January 12, 2012, 8:12 pm

Okay…so when do you decide to actually make that leap into something official? Will you forever be single because you fear what might happen? Or are all of these girls just not “the one”? Honestly, I’m just curious, because I feel like this keeps happening to me.

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Grace June 28, 2012, 3:59 am

Then don’t date bitchy girls that only want to change you. Also have you considered that you might just be a bad boyfriend?

It isn’t fair to string along a girl that you really like, but have no intention of letting her know that you are serious. Maybe you don’t think that those words are important, but girls internalize a lot of things and that hurts our self esteem.

Lowered self esteem => clingy => freaks guys out => inevitable break up => the girl sitting on her couch in sweats watching shitty comedy shows.

^ This situation happens too often to girls.

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Eric Charles June 29, 2012, 1:08 pm

Damn – that was pretty on point, Grace.

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gina January 8, 2012, 2:23 pm

ADVICE NEEDED!!!! my ex boyfriend of 3 years recently contacted me and said that he misses me he said that he’s not ready to get back together yet but wants to in the future he also said that being with other people (as in not in a commited relationship just kissing or watever else) is going to happen sometime at the start all this sounded okay to me we agreed to meet up no and then to keep the spark alive but i just dont know if i can wait because i know myself that if he was with other girls i would never be able to trust him which would result in us not being together in the future any advice.?

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nikki January 5, 2012, 7:38 pm

well this guy i like and i dont know if he likes me, anyways he said hes goin to break up with his girlfriend when he sees heer next but i dont know if he ganna ask me out i need advice i wanna know if he is or not and how do i find out if hes ganna ask me out

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Grace June 28, 2012, 4:00 am

Do you really want to be a rebound?

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Kika January 5, 2012, 4:57 pm

Hello,
Im in a same dillema as many here. I been dating my guy for almost a year and still no comiment. I get fustrated and try to walk away but follows me after. He is one most shyest guys i met so sometimes that why he acts like that. he doesnt have much experience with serous relatioships eiter so makes it a challenge. I know he cares about me casue hes brought me around his family and friends and spends every weekend with me. we spend new years this year together so it made it all exciting. but during a week sometimes i wont have any contact for like 3days then i get all worked up and start doubthing. I dont like that i get anxiety and i just want to be with this guy cause hes one the most nicest and respectful guys i ever met. I usually dont date his type and go more for the bad boy.

Please help

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Grace June 28, 2012, 4:02 am

Where do you see this relationship going?

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Courtney January 4, 2012, 10:45 pm

I just wanted to say that I posted my story on December 22nd and as of January 2nd, he started calling me his girlfriend. We went out on New Year’s Eve, and he was very standoffish. We spoke the following day about us, he said that he still was “in a different place” than me and wasn’t ready for a relationship or to call me his girlfriend. I told him that really, not much was going to change if we were in a relationship, except that we would have a title. Especially since we had both agreed already that we were not seeing anyone else and were not going to. He reassured me that he did not want me to see anyone else still, but just wasn’t ready to call me his girlfriend. My response, was basically that you cannot have your cake and eat it too. I said that I didn’t want to pressure him, because I care for him, but that I also have wants and needs so it can’t be all about what he needs. The next day, I decided that it wasn’t fair for us to keep seeing one another, because I didn’t want to push anything on him, but I also did not want to be in a situation that left me feeling unhappy or confused. Before I could break things off though, he said that he felt that I was right, that I deserved the respect and treatment from him that the title entails. He said that he was being ridiculously weird about the title of girlfriend, and that in most respects I already had been for weeks so he was going to stop being so distant and start calling me his girlfriend. Yay. :) If I hadn’t read stuff on this website, I don’t think I would have come to my senses enough to speak up for myself and say that the situation was not working for me and that as much as I cared about him, we should move on if it wasn’t going anywhere. Thanks anewmode!

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Eric Charles January 4, 2012, 11:11 pm

I’m really happy to hear that – and of course, you’re welcome! Happy New Year too. :)

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Imani December 27, 2011, 7:48 pm

Hi, PLEASE Answer this question:
I dated this guy years ago, not exclusively,then he married another. They are now separated, about a year or so, and are not living together, they have a young child. He has been trying to get to me for years but I constantly refused because of the past and I didn’t trust him. We finally spoke and he told me he regretted his decision and loves my heart and character and just wants to spend time with me. He’s seeing other people but nothing serious and no one like me (according to him). He says he doesn’t want to commit to anyone right now. So I don’t contact him first but he calls or text every or every other day.
Ok, now we’re dating casually. He calls and text regularly, never did before, he’s showing up, taking me to do things, wants take care of me and showing attn, not looking for the physical. This allowed me to open up to him but recently, after intimacy, my advance, he’s not answering or returning my call right away, but still calling darn near daily and texting “Hi” but he’s not texting back right away like before either. I’m thinking he’s ignoring me now and is with someone else. He says he’s not. But then he wont answer till the next day now!
I asked what was up and he got all excited “Nothing Nothing!” Then a bunch of false attempts to meet. Seems to me that He is the one getting all caught up not me
I refuse to argue so I just don’t call either. Then he calls the next morning and dosen’t mention what happened the day before, so neither do I. I’m not chasing anyone.
He says he’s single but then when I get ready to leave he wants me to stay. He says I’m a wonderful person and he needs me in his life. However, if we spend to much time together he drops off or acts erratic. I told him “you should do you” cuz I don’t play games and don’t want to be bothered. He begged me not to cut him off and just give him time. How much time? It’s been a few months… should I give him time? I feel like I did this with him already, ya know? What is this? Should I end it? Joined: Tue Dec 13, 2011 11:20 pm

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Courtney December 22, 2011, 2:06 pm

I could really use some advice…

I’m obviously in a similar boat or I wouldn’t be here. I’ve been seeing this guy for basically two months to the day today. I was in the middle of a breakup when I met this great guy in one of my literature courses at my university (the breakup wasn’t bad, just a long term relationship that ended and took a while to get everything sorted out as I’d been living with my ex). This guy is an English grad student-I’m still undergrad-and we had a mixed undergrad/grad class together this past semester. We would hang around after class for 20-30 minutes everyday and chit chat, before going our separate ways. I had a crush on him very early on, but it was no big deal to me. I often get little crushes on guys in my classes who I think are handsome. One day, feeling brave, I peeked at one of his papers he was turning in so I could catch his name without asking. I looked him up on facebook that evening, and he approved my friend request shortly thereafter. By that weekend we were talking non stop, had exchanged phone numbers and were texting all the time. We talked about everything. He enjoyed playing this “question” game, where he would ask me all kinds of questions from stupid things to really deep things, and I got to ask him questions too. He started asking me things like what I like to do on a first date, etc. I could tell he was interested, so I told him I was trouble and he should stay away (because I have gone through a lot recently). He responded that because I told him to stay away, he would have to be cliche and fight even harder for me. Everything he said and did was ridiculously sweet. Within a week, he had kissed me at a friend’s party. Two weeks later we slept together for the first time when we hung out at his place. It is worth mentioning that he is 28, but currently living at home for financial reasons. He was going to move into a house with some friends here after he had graduated, but that didn’t work out. That sucks because his family lives about an hour and 15 minutes from me. I don’t disrespect him for it though, because it is cheapest, plus his grandfather passed away and it brings his grandmother comfort. Anyways, we slept together…and for me it was amazing; and continues to be. He doesn’t talk about it much so I’m not sure how he feels. He’s a little shy (which I believe is due in part to his small size). On numerous occasions I would say that I’m not interested in being friends with benefits, that I was only interested if he was interested in a relationship. He kept saying he was, that he wanted to be more than just friends, and that he wouldn’t bring me to meet his friends and family if he wasn’t. He also paid me lots of little compliments. He would say he thought I was pretty, that my eyes were beautiful, etc…etc. Sometimes when we had deep conversations, we talked about past relationships and damaged goods. In November of last year, the first girl he has ever really loved broke his heart. They had made plans to get married after he graduated, so it was really hard on him. He said things like, “this isn’t about the past, or being damaged goods, it’s about new beginnings.” He claimed to be over her (though I could see through that), as she is now engaged to be married. Flash forward two months, which brings us to where we are now. I wrote him a letter telling him that I was beginning to fall in love with him two weeks ago. I told him that I really needed a relationship status, because without one I’m not entirely sure what’s going on. I addressed the fact that he is not over his ex, saying that I know what it is like to be unable to get over someone, but that I like him so much I would still be interested in him, regardless of his broken feelings from his past. He drove out here to see me that weekend and said that he is not ready for a relationship, and that he is still messed up over his past…plus he has never much cared for relationships, dating and marriage. He said that he liked me and wanted to keep dating me, that he isn’t seeing anyone else. He did give me the choice in the end, because he said he didn’t want me to get hurt. He said he was afraid of hurting me because he has done this to some women in the past. Started out really liking them, but then it never grew into anything more. None of his relationships have ever lasted consecutively over 6 months. I, of course, said that just because it has been one way in the past, doesn’t mean that is how it will be in the future, so I stayed. We have been on one date since then, and we had a lot of fun. He read the 7 Harry Potter books for me in one week, so that we could talk about them and watch the movies together. I am reading Lord of the Rings for him (I love the movies, but haven’t read the books). We are exchanging gifts and he has invited me to stay over with his family for Christmas Eve. His parents like me…he has made it very clear that he isn’t seeing anyone else, only me. So basically, we are already in a relationship….I just don’t get it. Why doesn’t he want one? He took his relationship status off of facebook this week, so that it no longer says single, but it doesn’t show anything now. I am going back in forth between, hold out, be patient as he did say that it was the best way to deal with him. But I keep hearing what he said about his past relationships in my head. I keep thinking, I’m worth more. What if it never changes, what if I am never special to him like his ex was? Because I’m crazy about him. I just don’t know what is best.

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Courtney December 22, 2011, 2:13 pm

I just read the “How do men show their love for you” article, and wanted to reiterate that he does all of those things. He makes time for me, he shares deep emotions with me, we see each other every weekend, even when we are exhausted from our opposite work schedules and the hour drive. He has introduced me to close family and friends, and if I hadn’t switched with a girl at work who begged, he wanted to introduce me to some more close friends this Friday night at a party with old friends of his. He is doing everything a guy does when he cares about you and considers you a girlfriend. He is often at least somewhat affectionate with me in public, so what is the deal…why is a relationship any different from all of these things we are already doing?

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Eric Charles December 22, 2011, 2:35 pm

One reason (and I don’t mean this in a cynical way, although it might come off that way) is that he knows you’re not going anywhere. There’s no threat of another guy “claiming you”. There’s no threat of him losing his chance because you already act like his girlfriend in every way without the title.
.
Something to think about…

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Courtney December 27, 2011, 2:21 pm

This is true, so how do I go about changing that? I mean, I had decided to make my own plans for New Year’s Eve, but as I was beginning to narrow down parties in my area he asked what I was doing and said he wanted to do something together. We haven’t made plans yet, but obviously I don’t want to be mean to him, I like him and would love to go out with him for New Year’s Eve. But I also don’t want to keep “being his girlfriend” without being his girlfriend. Or is the title really even important at this point? I spent Christmas with him, and in every respect he treated me like a girlfriend all weekend. He received tickets to a play in February and told his parents that he is going to bring me with him. That’s a ways out, so he still sees himself with me in two months. Maybe the title isn’t everything? I don’t want to play games with him and start parading myself around with other guys just because he hasn’t “claimed” me.

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Linda June 22, 2012, 9:19 pm

How do you stop acting like the girlfriend? I mean, how to you show him through actions (I’m tired of talking) that someone else might “claim” you? How do you make it clear that he might lose you, in order to trigger a little fear of losing me?
. Also,
I tried doing this by withdrawing a little bit and he got all upset saying that I was cold and distant and he felt I stopped caring and that I used to be more lovey-dovey a few months ago. Did I take it to far? Should I just keep going out with my friends and meeting new prospects and at the same time being as caring and loving as always?

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Emma December 20, 2011, 10:11 am

I would just like to ask…. Eric Charles, are you single??

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Eric Charles December 20, 2011, 1:25 pm

Are you asking me out? ;)

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Grace June 28, 2012, 4:06 am

Did you just answer a question with a question?

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Jessica December 12, 2011, 5:06 pm

Ok So ive been talking to this guy for the past two months that i have been seeing alot .We have been talking everyday since we met and we hang out about 2-3 times a week. He works an overnight shift four days out the week including the weekend, on two days he has his 2yr old daughter so he really only has one day to himself which he always spends with me and we always go on a date on that day. I come over to see him and we hang out and watch movies and his daughter is there as well.Ive also met a few of his friends already. Hes cooked dinner for me and showed that he is very interested in me and i know he cares about me .He said im a priority to him but i just feel like we arent going anywhere. He has showed that he likes me alot, and he is always reaching out to me and has also complained that i never hit him up. I brought it up to him about where this is going and he said he wanted to take things slow and wants to see where it goes. He did say he could see me as his girlfriend but its been two months and I feel like i could be using my time on somoene who is more about making moves. At times i felt like i was just a convenience and I work out for his schedule and he uses me for his company since he pretty much has no life because of his schedule. Sometimes I go out on weekends and when i do he always wants me to stay up til he gets out so we can hang out which i have done a few times, but im starting to feel like im too good and have more to offer. I tried to just disappear and let him go but he wouldnt stop calling/texting non stop like crazy so we talked about it and agreed we both really like each other and we want to see where it will go but now im back to square one. any advice is greatly appreciated

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lilia December 9, 2011, 11:59 pm

am i NEEDY or is he a LOSER? i have been talking to this guy since october first off i have yet to get taken on a date dont get me wrong im all about doing the chillen at home watching a movie thing but his excuse is that his finacially unable to take me out ,but on fb ill see he went here or there .he will call me one time out the day usually at night bcuz he works and his phone is not currently on but i see he is still able to get on facebook ..so why cant i get a goodmorning or hows your day going going ..if that is his only way of communicating with me why isnt he taking advantage of it ??i never considered my self to be needy and im frustrated his only excuse is” u have to understand my phone is off” -_- i really like this guy but it seems no effort is being put in at all ..but he thinks it is bcuz he called me that one day at nightand the convo is that pleasnt …(let me remind you he has access to fb) what do you guys think ???…. i guess ino what the outcome is its just nice to get advice

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RaelynJane December 9, 2011, 12:44 pm

Ok.. So this makes perfect sense and I am in support of this approach 100%. My girlfriends are all single and with good reason.. they are needy/demanding/on husband-hunts.. But I am not. Not at all. If I never get married that is fine by me.

However… I have been dating this man for something like 8 months.. WE LIVE TOGETHER NOW. As in, we share a household/bed/toilet.. He flew me home to meet the folks/best friends for Thanksgiving.. we had a lovely time.

So.. the other night somehow it came up in conversation (I had said something to the effect of “what’s it like to have a girlfriend that gives you a BJ then goes downstairs and makes breakfast?”) and he said “you’re not my girlfriend.” Seriously?! Really? Come on..

We had a chat about it (me holding back tears and him being soft and docile and cute) and he said he always hated the semantics of titles and he always calls me his ‘girl’ and we are quite clearly together and it is what it is and it’s lovely and why eff it up blah blah blah. It’s one syllable. Just one. What is the difference?! I am so good to him.. Soo good. I don’t care when he watches porn (all guys do it, hell I do sometimes), I give him plenty of space, I have my own crap going on, plenty of friends, I’m supportive of his endeavors, encourage him to go see his pals out of state, cook my ass off, get dirty, play poker like a champ, am (if I do say so myself) pretty gosh-darn precious (screw makeup), successful, chill, can laugh at myself, blah blah.

One of my guy friends.. a dear life long friend, who likes my ‘not boyfriend’ a lot said something yesterday that really hit home. He said “doll, as much as I like this guy, and as much as he means to you.. you’re the kind of girl that deserve a man with a megaphone”

ow.

I never asked for a title. I never put any pressure on him. He moved in with me on his own merit. And it slips out of my mouth one wine filled evening and I get backhanded so hard I still have whiplash. I just don’t get it. I’m pretty level headed but this.. I just don’t know that I’ll ever understand.

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china December 9, 2011, 11:39 pm

wow thats crazy ino ur heart must have sank when he said the two of you are unofficial ..I really hate when guys say im not in to titles.. i went thru the same thing but in guy translation that means he is basically able to do whatever he wants and not feel guilty about it because you are not his” girlfriend” my mom always told me if a guy wants to be with you and commit to you he will do so.. no excuses or exceptions you have to decide is this what you really want personally i think you can do better :) gudluck luv

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noooo April 7, 2013, 12:34 am

Hi hon,
You don’t deserve this %!*$. I believe you when you say you are beyond nice to this guy, but I hope you’re not still “with” him! I made the mistake of being super nice to my ex-fiance- I never made him compromise on anything, and you know what? In the end, he wasn’t really invested. He made me bend over backwards for him- it was either I waited 4 more years to marry him after we got engaged, or I had to dump him. I dumped him, and I am so glad I did! Do me a favor- with the next guy or current guy you’re dating, put your foot down and don’t settle for stupid. If he can’t treat you like a princess, dump him. There’s other nicer men out there that would love to have you. I recently learned this soon after I dumped the ex; a nice handsome guy came along who made it clear from the beginning that he would bend over backwards to make sure that I was as happy as he was. If he were to tell me he wants to watch porn, I would tell him not to because it would take away from the intimacy in our relationship. Likewise,if I were watching porn, I would stop watching porn if I were truly invested in the guy because I would know he can make me happy and I wouldn’t want to be anything less than my best for him.
Wishing you the best!!! Hope things have gotten better since you posted on here!

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tawnya December 7, 2011, 6:00 pm

honestly, i feel like this article was talking to me like it really knew me and my situation right now… crazy! but super helpful, especially the part where you mention our friends advice getting in the way… i’m going to remember this one, thanks!

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Eric Charles December 7, 2011, 6:07 pm

That’s great – thanks for the comment. It’s what we aim for, glad it helped.

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Karen-ellen December 5, 2011, 4:28 am

I just started dating a man I am good friends with. We have been friends for about two and an half years and have been dating for just two months. We initially met for dating but it never transpired and we just stayed good friends over the years, though I did think that there was a little more to it than that. Since we were friends I have never known him to have a girl. We were out for our usual drinks and banter when he initiated things with me. (things being kissing;)) He’s a really decent guy, we’re comfortable together, we have fun, I guess that’s why we were friends. However I can feel him resisting the natural flow of things- its like he wants to put a cap on how much we see each other, what type of communication we have and the pace of things in general. I did gentile bring up the subject with him and that illuminated a lot of mixed feelings from him. Mainly he said that he didn’t know what I see in him, that I was someone who works hard and know what she wants and that he was a work shy commitment-phobe. I was so shocked that he said that as I don’t see him like that at all and never knew how he saw himself. He went on to say that he thought I liked him more than he liked me and was worried about endangering our friendship. He asked me that I just bare with him with regards the pace of things and see where things go from there.

I was meant to be traveling to Florence to study for a few months so we said that we’d go slow till then and see where we’re at. But since then I have been awarded new opportunities here and decided that it was not the right time to go. He was fine when I told him. The other day we had a it of a spit- he said we’d meet and he cancelled with no reason… I’m fine with giving people space however I just knew there was more to it than that. I said that I wished to see him a little more and asked if we could find a happy balance for both of us. This ultimately caused a similar discussion to the previous one except that i kinda got frustrated and pushed his hand and told him to say he didn’t like me so we could get on with our separate lives. He repeated, I’m not as into you romantically as you are into me, I’m worried about endangering our friendship, I’d be gutted if this meant that we couldn’t still be friends. I said that I couldn’t’ do that- I don’t think it would be good for me. He was upset, I was upset the whole thing was completely out of hand! Later I was thinking that it was all very reactive and hasty, I got back to him and asked if he would like to take a breather for a few days and see where we’re at. He said that would be the best idea and that he was really looking at my trip away as an opportunity to evaluate his feeling for me- he ‘figured that they’d crystalize either way’. Now I’m trying to figure out what on earth I want to do. 50% is saying run a mile and I would if I didn’t know how good a guy he is. I’m also wondering if I have an obligation to try work out a friendship- I’m never friends with my ex’s, I have no need for that kind of emotional support- I figure I get that off my girl friends and the friendships are never really true or long lasting… I don’t know why he’d want to be friends, as good a friendship as we have its just not going to be the same again.

I figure the best thing is to give him space- I’m relieved to have some too at the moment.
What to do?!

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Andrew Tays December 5, 2011, 1:29 am

straight up! i just got done doing that to my ex and i will tell you exactly what it is..he’s keeping you around for his benefits..let him go until he opens his eyes and see’s the big picture believe me it WORKS, me and my ex were dating for 3 years have a child togeather! everything was perfect, it got dull the last 6 months because of me, and you must not have it in you to try to make him understand you know why… because he won’t and will not! unless you do what you have to do..and what worked really good, is when he starts to come around (which won’t be for 2-4 weeks) hold off on him for a little while..he will be wishing he never did what he did, and your relationship will be at it’s best because he will not make that same mistake again! by the way i am a male 21 years of age she is 20, when we broke up.. i was soooo happy then it hit me hard! i thought i never really cared for her at all at one point.. seriously i was holding off on her from calling her my girlfriend for months, she did the right thing.. now were together and we fixed sooo many problems and were sooo close, i know for a fact i want more children with her, and i wanna marry her…before she did what she had to do, i could care less for any of thoes things, but i use to be the type of person that diddn’t give a dam about anything, and 3 months of us broken up and her pushing and pulling me away that whole time changed me as a person she did that to make sure i was not going anywhere! works very well but was EXTREMELY hard on me, my life is at it’s best and not for one second will i think of anything else before my family. TRUST ME! i promise if you can do that it will work because deep down he loves you ALOT more then you think..now it’s your time to bring out the best in him, and he will be forced to make changes and become closer with you then you could imagine not out of guilt but LOVE. i gotta make this plain in simple for ya and not a 10 minute story that you will have to read 50 times, you must tell him how you feel, if he does not come around, then leave him be and DO NOT acknowledge him for 2-4weeks no contact! VERY EFFECTIVE then go to the pushing and pulling! which is hang out 3 or 4 days stop for a week then cut it down slowly! and he will think he’s loosing you! good luck!

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china November 30, 2011, 1:42 am

i have a few questions and i would love it if i can get any sort of advice this website was helpful but i still confused about things……ok well i met this guy and and have been talking to him for about two months now but first meeting him right then and there we clicked he has alot of things that happened in his past and im trying to be supportive about it ..he told me his next girlfriend he has he wants to be his last ..hmmm when i see him everything is great when i dont see him i will raley talk to him i get little text like goodmorning but that it… im not needy but i like text thru out aleast sum of the day ..he says hes so glad he found someone like me and he wants to further his connection with me but im still not convinced i admit i think i gave up the cookie alittle too soon that was my mistake i guess my question is can a person genuinly like you if they dont text you or call you as much as you want them too ino he works but still ……..ANSWER PLZ :(

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Armani November 30, 2011, 7:38 am

hey well theres always reasons ya know.? but, sometimes, its hard for guys to text at work at all because if they have their phone they can get fired bbut why don’t you talk with him (and do it in person too, and in a public place) but just ask him….and make sure your looking at him in the eyes too.
but okay, no matter if you had a lot of drama happen in your past with all yur past relationships and yur past drama (but after yuve brought that up once, be done, theres no use bringing it up again), you need to tell him, THE PAST IS YOUR PAST, and its called the past for a reason because its history, so you leave it there, don’t dwell on it….and if he wants his next girlfriend to be his last, be like well, “Im here” but all yu have to do is talk…listen to him (don’t interrupt), share your feelings with him and tell him you want hiim to do the same, do different things together like going out and playing games that are for yu two only (brings yu closer ;), and its always gud to have a balance of leisure time spent together and leisure time for yourself….so sometimes its good apart ya know…..everyone women needs her women time….everyman needs his man cave time…lmao….ya know.? but that one thing is, DON’T ever say when yu talk with him that “You don’t understand how I feel” don’t say that, because sometimes guys do, but if yu never ask, how would yu know.? don’t EVER expect him to read your mind or understand that you feel this way, okay.? You just need to communicate and be open and stay honest…so STRAIGHT UP….dont beat around the bush when yu tell him how you feel about him….but, just watch how you approach the situation sometimes. lol. but I hope i helped.

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Armani November 24, 2011, 9:10 pm

Heads up this will be long but if you can help, i really would apprecciate this. :) Okay I was reading everybodys thing and this and Eric you are a straight up and forward writer. I like how honest you are about your writing and you do not lie about the truth, especially about the relationship category and it coming from a guys perspective.
But, I wanted to see if i could get some advice/help right now because Im in a BAD predicament and Ive read over everybodys stories and the advice back was perfect. but my situation idk which option to choose…–now heres alil flashback so yu understand where im coming from–
Okay, well Ive known this guy for 4 years now and it will be going onto 5 yearss. Pretty much since freshmen year, but since then we were best friends till sophmore year then I had medical issues so we kind of didnt hang out as much and stopped talking and he started to hang out with the wrong people, grades dropped, went down the wrong path pretty much. but, i was still going to high school and finally senior year came and we started talking a little bit towards the end of the year like in May because my birthday is on the 10th and his is on the 11th. (what a cawinkadink, huh.? ;) well we started catching up and my feelings from freshmen year came back, but he was still with his girlfriend from 3 years ago(but, he cheated on her and she cheated on him and I found out about it-but they were still together-a BS relationship) but Graduation came and after that we were pretty much talking because I grew feelings for this man who is my best friend, but he cheated on his g/f w/me too during the summer n i felt bad but i was stupid n lost in my feelings and i still feel bad and karma came back at me so but, until he finally called her and was like were done..but he kept procrastinating about it…
(okay so since yu kno that history) now heres the thing
we’ve been talking for 6 months now, (this guy though, he texts me saying “hey bby, cutie, wish i culd see yu, miss yu, i would love to spend every night with yu, blah blah blah” every day, he’s taken me out on dates, we’ve kissed, weve made out, Ive been met his family (and both sides and they all love me), he’s pretty much been acting like my boyfriend but isn’t because were just friends and some days i don’t even know what hes doing..and the one issue is his bad friend (he treats her like a g.f but shes the main reason why he smokes, he smokes everyday, and not just cigs either (if yu kno what im saying ;( but just a bad influence on him and its just whatever…and I’ve told him multiple times why do yu do it.? why do yu waste yur time smoking and doin that stuff with her and he says hes ganna stop but he still hasn’t since june (shes lezbo but she constantly says, i think i should turn straight, women PMS too much) but I’ve already tried asking him to be with me in sept. and in oct. and his response is that he wants to be with me, BU T(and he uses that word A LOT) its not the perfect time…and he can NEVER explain it, but back in Sept. the excuse was that he couldn’t be with me because he didn’t have a job or vehicle to pay or drive me to take me on a date and treat me like a boyfriend should or even like a man should treat me, but then in oct. he got a job. and he got his vehicle…(he just kept saying he wanted to be with me,he cared for me, BUT not right now)….
So I took yur advice and everybodys elses, I talked with him and right now i do not know what decisiion i should chose because i dont want to makee the wrong one..
do i go out with this guy.? Or drop him.? because we talked n i asked him do yu wanna be with me, and he said yes so i was like then ask me, and he finally said well do yu wanna go out, but i didnt kno what to say.. so i kno i shuld decide for myself but if yu put yurself in this situation, what wuld yu do.?
–and my best friend (like sister-known for 5 years too–she was gud friends with him too, but now shes like she doesn’t want me being wit him and keeps telling me not to even talk with him) :’((((((((

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Gabrielle November 22, 2011, 5:12 am

This article totally gave me a whole new insite onto what i’m currently going through. My situation is almost the exact same. We act like we’re together but there’s just no title yet. He claims the only girlfriends he’s ever had, he casually dated for 4 to 6 months and THEN they made it official. He says he just likes to make sure he knows the girl really well first and can trust her. And to be honest, I’m perfectly happy with him. The title thing bugs me, sure. But besides that, there’s nothing I would complain about. My friends keep telling me he’s just stringing me along and he’s a player or a jerk but I’m usually really good at reading people and my intuition is telling me he’s none of those things. That he’s actually someone worth waiting for. I know people get blinded by romance but I would like to thank you for giving advice not to let your friends influence your happiness.
Thank you :)

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Mayee November 18, 2011, 7:51 am

Joanna, I think maybe, even though we don’t want to admit it to ourselves is that we are staying because we think we will be an exception, that eventually, the guy will see that we are the ones for them and love us and everything that is the reason why we are still staying. We are staying for that hope, that things will get better. Imagine if you knew 100% the future and it was NO doubt at all that this guy would never ever call you girlfriend again?? then Im sure we wouldn’t stay right.
Sometimes I think that is my problem. Ive spent so long on him already, and keep on, deep down , thinking that eventually it will all work out.
Yet logically speaking why waste time on something when in the present its already proving to be much much much less than what you deserve? its too bad logic doesn’t work well when it comes to things like this.

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Joanna November 17, 2011, 12:41 am

Hi Mayee,

I’m a wimp… It bothered me too much that he didn’t contact me after the accident so I texted him. We’ve been in contact over the last few days and I know that he’s hoping to start some sort of watered down version of what we had before. As he would not call me his gf, I was essentially his fwb and if I go back to him, I’ll be demoted to a f*ck buddy. I’m just so darn vulnerable and lonely right now because I don’t know anyone in this town and I’m in so much pain from this car accident. However, your story of being with your guy for three years scares me as I feel like this could easily be me. What will eventually happen though, is when my guy finds someone that he really is into, you bet he’ll call her his gf. Then that would really hurt! I must find the strength to walk away as you should too. There will be some guy out there proud to call me his girlfriend and want to shout it from the roof tops. I just need to get the guts to break contact once and for all and go find that guy.

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Mayee November 16, 2011, 11:43 pm

Im actually studying for exams right now and reading this article just made me break down. I really hope all you girls realise that we all have a choice in what we accept from a guy. Except I know how hard it is. I’ve been with this guy for 3 years now, yes THREE years, is that a record? He still hasnt asked me to be his girlfriend even though he knows thats what I want. Weve been so close that I am sure if I left him it would be so hard for him to get over me. We bascially see each other throughout the week and doing everything physical and boyfriend and girlfriend would do for three years. We are “exclusive” – not allowed to date anyone else, and I know he hasn’t, I trust him and everything so I dont understand whats the big deal with being official boyfriend and girlfriend??. He is first guy that I’ve been with so I’m honestly struggling and I know its my own fault for staying this long so WHY is it so hard to leave?
We are so close, I’ve met his family and he has met mine. But that fact is he refuses to call me his girlfriend. Its so obvious that all girls in this situation deserves better, but when your in the situation yourself you realise its so not black and white and its a cycle of blaming yourself for not having more respect, yet confused and unable to leave at the same time.
My advice to all of you is to leave after six months. DONT do what I am doing right now although its very ironic because I’m doing exactly what I’m telling you guys not to do. Be the best you can, be happy, yourself when you are with him, and if he does not like you enough to want to make things official then it isn’t worth it. It isn’t worth it when you eventually realise it is never going to work out.

Why are all of us asking why we cant leave?? It really really sucks guys. It especially sucks when I’m feeling all pmsing (right now) and I feel like I’m in this kind of limbo. Whats going to happen to us? If I left how much would it hurt (answer. A WHOLE LOT)

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LivingMindfully November 13, 2011, 10:33 pm

I am in a (FWB) relationship with a man who’s also in a eleven and a half year long distance relationship with a much younger women.
I finally realized after a year and a half that I should just relax and enjoy it for what it is for as long as it lasts, because trying to make it be something else wasn’t getting me anywhere, just make us both miserable.
After many failed relationships and two failed marriages, I realized that I should be happy to be with a man who makes me happier than I’ve ever been in my life, satisfies my needs and desires, cares about me very much, and whom I enjoy a working, social, and loving relationship with that I never had with all the past ones put together.
I never thought I could accept this, but I do. It’s not in my DNA, genes or whatever else would cause me to feel this way. I enjoy my freedom and have other male friends, but have no desire for intimacy with them. I am retired and moved here to work with him and for the relationship (companionship, friendship, etc.) We have so much in common and are extremely compatible.
We make no demands upon each other, nor have a time limit upon the relationship.

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Joanna November 11, 2011, 1:04 pm

He’s using you, too. If he cared, he’d be with you. Move on, don’t let him further degrade you by allowing him to use your body.
Don’t spend one more moment with this guy as it shuts the door on you finding someone who will treat you like royalty, as you very much deserve. Wow!! This guy is having his cake all over town and eating it too.

Foot note about the pig I was “dating”, I got in a brutal car accident a few days ago and I can barely move. We live in a small town and I know he heard about it. Did he atleast text to see if I was ok? Nope, not a peep. That’s how much this user cared.

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RachelK November 11, 2011, 9:43 am

The advice you gave, is exactly what comes out of this guys mouth that I have known for a year. I liked him a lot, but he really screwed me over when he got a girlfriend. Now he came back to me (as usual) and says “Oh we aren’t dating!!” but in reality I know they are. When I always used to tell him that I wanted to be his girlfriend, he would always be a jerk about it saying that “The way things were, were better.” (Friends with Benefits) But this guy is like my “first love”, and I still do have feelings for him, but I’m slightly messing with his head, to keep him in my range. He said the reason he went out with this girl is because she was hot, and he knew her for almost 5 years, and wanted to “try things out.” I am so confused ! I want to wait for him, but at the same time I don’t. I don’t know what to do, but I plan on taking some of this advice, when he is finally done with that girl, because right now I know he is just using her as much as he can, she’ll be gone soon.

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Joanna November 3, 2011, 9:36 pm

Btw, he had also told ne that we were starting fresh and that he did not know he wanted a serious relationship until he met me. This man us short and not conventionally handsome (but I found him adorable) and I was always told by friends that knew both of us that I was “out of his league”, which I think is baloney.
I’m. A good looking girl and take care of myself physically. He is middle aged and I’m in my late thirties. Why did he feel the need to hide us? We went everywhere together and met all his friends but ge would just tell them I was his friend. I just don’t get it. We got a long so well. Why would anyone fake affection for that long. It’s really done a number on my head.

To this day, I’ve still not heard from him. Poof, into thin air. It must have been a sick game he was playing. I dropped my guard completely when I gave him a second chance and in the process, went into it with my heart. Thank goodness it was only six months and not six years. I’d really be a mess then.

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Joanna Owen November 3, 2011, 2:49 pm

VERY long story short,
I saw a guy for six months. At around the 4 month mark, after I heard him mention that he enjoyed his freedoom and liked being single, I asked him if he really wanted a relationship and what exactly are we doing if you do not? He said he was not sure if he wanted one or not. Well, I told him that maybe we should step back for the weekend, take sometime and figure out if we are right for eachother. I said if he truly wanted to be with me, he would not be so unsure, hence the need for some space.
At the end of the weekend, he was still unsure and so I said it was best if we went our seperate ways. We did not speak for two days and the after that, then the barage of emails, texts, calls and chasing began.

We split up from mid-July to the third week in August . Well from the span of the time above, he relentlessly pursued me, took awesome care of me when I was recovering at his house post-surgery (even bought all my groceries, medications and feminine products and fed me my entire supper the first night because I was in so much pain), emails about our special connection, cards, flowers and took me to a very, very expensive dinner for my birthday. So, finally I relent and get back together with him. From the first day back together, he said he did not want labels and did not want to use the title girlfriend. I’m thinking, “What?! After all the chasing you have done?”. I, however, held on to all the words and kind gestures that he had made over the last 5 weeks. BIG mistake.

Guess what? Two weeks later he dumps me, says he was never into “us”, and I found out that he would not tell anyone we were seeing each other the entire time, which was all in, nearly six months. I’ve not heard from him since and I know that he’s already mucking around with someone else. He even laughed at me when I cried.

I’ve spent six weeks now picking up the pieces of my very shattered self and am trying to get on with my life and try to forget the six months of the BS “non-relationship” I was in. Man, was that a painful and humiliating experience to go through. I don’t wish that on anyone. So, that my friends, is why I will never again be with a man that does not want to label me his girlfriend. I gave him my heart and he trashed it.

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Katherina October 30, 2011, 5:59 am

And BTW he is very Hot in every way, and a caring dad to all his children, so sweet.

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Katherina October 30, 2011, 5:51 am

LOL dont stress just move on there are plenty of fish in the sea, trust me after 6 months of dating many many guys, I finally met an honest man, Just be honest and upfront in what you expect in a relationship, and dont make an issue of commitment, go with the flow of life, lol I have known this guy for 10 days slept with him twice, talk to him every day, lol we both initiate texts as we feel like it, we dont make an issue out of things, we are just being open and honest with our feelings, so much simpler, today he showed a picture of me to his mom, lol he is 48 and i am 50, we have both had 20 year relationships previously, sweet honest men are out there trust me. A lot of men are frightened of commitment but not all. So just be yourself and enjoy the people you date The right man will find you, when you are ready, We met online, but luckily we live in the same city.
And it helps to be flexible and understanding, every body has issues.

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jamie October 18, 2011, 6:04 am

so i met this guy in my chemistry class of my junior yr he was and still is a football player its been two years later of texting kissing hangin out loooong talks on the phone i have never met his family bt hes met my brother a few times anyway i confronted him abt the label issue and he was like i care abt you bt when the time is right i will ask u to be my gf and a yr ago i was fine with tht bt a yr later im antsy and irratated i know im done waiting …. I was watching like water for choclate lol and i got pissed bcuz it ended up “happily ever after” i cut off the movie before the end and i cried myself to sleep i was bitter and jealous of a movie lol i know my patience has altered my tolerance and sensitivity … Anyway for specifics we havent had actual intercourse bt we have intimacy if tht makes sense i juss dont waant to spend another valentines day holiday or birthday without him iwant to make memories and be his one and only … After 2years of his half steppin how long do i wait ???

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C October 17, 2011, 4:04 am

Honestly, this is the best advice I could have asked for. I wish I would have read this months ago. I think I have been pestering this guy I have been seeing far too much about this whole “Girlfriend” thing. He’s on of the guys that has “too much on his plate”. He is ALWAYS busy with school. And honestly, I added a bunch of stress by acting like a psycho =/. Until finally he told me “This is exactly why I don’t want a long term relationship right now.” Which definitely hurt, I didn’t realize how stupid I was acting. And now, I’m still letting fear get the best of me, Im just trying to be the fun-loving girl he used to know. I think he started off liking me much more than I liked him, now it’s sadly the other way around. He started off wanting a relationship, and I didnt, and now that is also the other way around. I’m trying not to let it stress me. And it really hurts…but I’ve already caused enough damage..I know he likes me. I’m trying to make up for all the drama I made, hopefully I can do so. He’s really the type of guy I don’t want to let slip through my fingers. Wish me luck, I most definitely need it.

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cristin October 9, 2011, 8:29 pm

This article is very inspiring, but its just so difficult to move on from Tom. So I have been with Tom for more than a year and in the beginning I thought it was more of a fling than anything and then eventually we started meeting every week and had become intimate and me being a girl fell for him. Few months later I asked him about our relationship status and he refuse to label it, because he does not want to ruin our so called relationship. So eventually, I stopped talking and for two months he dated a girl for a month whom he now refers to as his “ex-girl friend.” I am now with him and he still does not want to label us because he says nothing will chance by giving it a label. I DON’T GET IT!!!!! he says he likes me and that I’m the greatest girl we have a great time together so what the heck is the problem?? I love him so much to just drop it and yes I tried dating other men but all i can think about is HIM!!!! so what do I do????

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maja55 September 24, 2011, 9:29 pm

To Sarah
Main thing is to ask yourself
“what did I learn from this experience about myself”
That is the gold that we take from life’s experiences because in the end it is about US not THEM! Also we are on a soul’s journey through life and for whatever reason not all souls match to be together forever but sometimes these encounters of quality over quantity teach us enough to keep moving …time frames and linear progression in relationships is not always the ONLY way to go…
think and feel laterally – this is where self empowerment and deeper spiritual insights lie in terms of spiritual partnerships etc…
all best
xx

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Sarah September 24, 2011, 7:00 pm

Thanks for your advice, Eric. I recently ended a 3 month “thing” with a guy who’s actually my best friend and I absolutely adore who he is and can see myself in a relationship with him, it is still heart-wrenching for me :( He said he wasn’t ready for a relationship and that was fine, but I couldn’t let it go on more than 3 months. It took a lot of willpower to say “no, I can’t do this anymore” but I’m hoping that I *won’t* regret it and that it will save me from being even more hurt in the future. The hardest part is that I don’t think I can be friends with him anymore because we are no longer on the same page – he’s devastated about the loss of friendship part (as am I, trust) and not able to talk/see me everyday, even asking me to re-consider…but I don’t think I can – my best friends and even HIS best friend told me that if it hasn’t happened, it won’t ever happen. I hope this piece of advice I keep hearing isn’t a myth! But is it really fair for us to drag this on and wait around until the guy changes their mind?

Good luck to everyone and I hope everyone else has the strength to end negative relationships like this.

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maja55 September 23, 2011, 7:22 pm

Just want to add here that this guy I have been seeing for 4 months (long distance but we catch up fortnightly and he rings me EVERY day) around the 3 month mark he said he wasnt sure if he wanted a “serious” relationship – (and that he felt he needed to walk path ALONE) which surprised and hurt me because we were doing everything that = serious in my eyes (but he was only a year out of a 21 yr marriage) so I absolutely understood his feelings…rationally…..but emotionally I was sad and upset and cried when he told me…anyway I got myself together and steered myself consciously away from my emotionality for a minute and logic reined! Which actually felt really empowering (not easy for us gals in matters of the heart – but worth practising)..so next time he rang me I switched to rationale and logic – understanding and empathy outside of my own emotionality and my “I wants” and said to him
“I absolutely understand where you are at, I honour your needs, and I wish you all the best on your journey”
Well guess what??? He totally freaked out and was SOOOO UPSET and said he didnt want to lose me and what we had etc etc………….and we are still going stronger and stronger every day a month down the track from that conversation..

I have learnt to give him space, let him contact me MOST of the time, arrange our meetings and steer the ship……we have decided to be “soul playmates” which sounds good to me……also we are 49 and 47..have 7 kids between us so are on the other end of the spectrum where the fairy tale is being re written……xx

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Meg September 23, 2011, 2:38 pm

Stick to your gut. Something seems off with this guy. I dated a manipulator, he didn’t even realize what he was doing was manipulative.
It’s gonna be hard, but you have to walk away. A normal guy would have moved the relationship along by now.

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Jessica September 22, 2011, 9:39 pm

I know what I need to do in this situation but I was some opinions from people who are not my friends (sometimes I am unclear of their motives, maybe if they are jealous or not so I want an outside perspective). I met this guy in March 2011, we quickly clicked and began hanging out and talking everyday. We would go out together with our mutual friends. About two months after this, he started sleeping over. A month after that began (total of 3 months since we’ve started “talking”) I asked him about our relationship going to the next level, calling me his girlfriend and etc. He said he was not ready for a relationship and he ended up telling me he was “in love” with me. At this point, I was ready to put a label on our relationship but he was not. His reasoning was he had a bad breakup and did not want to ever lose me and that putting a title on it would mean if anything bad ever happened that he would lose me for good (This is what he said). I said ok and our relationship continued with any labels or true commitment. About 2-3 months passed, going out to dinner, sleeping over, having sex. We started going out together less and less and he was not inviting me out. He would only call me at 2:00am to come sleep over. I then found out he was “talking” to another girl and she showed me messages of him saying I really like you, I miss you, wish you were still here to this other girl. He told me he didn’t love her like he loved me. After this girl, I found out he was contacting his ex girlfriend (was with her for 4 years) telling her that he wanted a future with her and wanted to work things out and agreed to go to therapy with her to work on their relationship. He was telling me the same things at the same time. His excuse was, “I’ll always love that girl(his ex) she was my best friend for 4 years she knows everything about me”. He then went on to say, i love her, but I am “in love” with you. He tells me he is ready to open and start a new chapter of his life with me and wants to see what the future holds. Mind you, its been about 7 months of sleepovers,sex, and etc and he still won’t “date” me. I feel almost stupid typing this because everything says LEAVE and people are probably wondering what the hell I am doing still seeing this guy but its so hard to walk away because every time I try, I wonder, what if he really does love me, what if I’m throwing away this because I am selfish and want a label. He always says, if you truly love someone then a label should not matter. I just do not want to wonder “what if” later down the road if I potentially walked away from something that could of been great. What do you guys think?

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Meg September 23, 2011, 9:03 am

So you started by saying you already know what to do in your situation…however it still seems you are unsure, otherwise you wouldn’t be writing this. You’re asking what outsiders think. Every situation is different but here are my thoughts:
Unfortunately, he already told you he wasn’t ready for a relationship. There is NO convincing a guy to be ready. So in a way, he laid his cards out on the table and you chose to stick with him. He was basically telling you “I want to date other girls and play the field so if you want to stick around as my fallback option, then you already know what my deal is!” However, it is completely unfair of him to use the L word in order to keep you on the hook…
You need to walk away. If he really does love you and wants to see what the future holds, he will give you what you want..which is the caring and loving REAL relationship that you deserve. Leaving him after this many months of “seeing eachother” will give you a straight answer FINALLY. Either he comes running back as your boyfriend, or he continues to try to convince you that you what you have is great without the label (which frankly, this “relationship” really only benefits him). He’s going to avoid the committment. Don’t fall for it. I know this will be hard, I’ve been there, but you have to think about yourself. Be selfish. He’s being selfish in every way possible! Now it’s time for you.
The worst thing that could happen is that he doesn’t give you what you want, and that you can finally open the door to new guys who will. Hope this helps :-)

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Jessica September 23, 2011, 11:28 am

It really helps thank you, so many people just say you are stupid and what the hell are you doing and you are an idiot for even answering his phone calls but when you actually care about someone it’s hard to walk away and not have them in your life. I know I deserve better but it’s harder to walk away then to say in the situation and not many people I feel like are going to choose the harder path. I am slowly trying to not have him be such a huge part of my life, not answering to his every begging call, declining invitations to hang out when he does ask to see me. This way the transition from him being everything to be to nothing will not be so hard on me. I know I will find a great guy, I have a great personality, funny, smart, pretty, athletic its just getting over the point of hurting but honestly keeping this guy in my life is hurting me more than the short term hurt I will feel telling him I’m done.

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Jessica September 23, 2011, 11:30 am

Do you think it would be worth it to try something first before throwing it completely away. I’ve been thinking about telling him, no sex, no kissing, no saying I love you, and no sleepovers and see where it goes. This way I’ll know for sure if he is just using me for sex which someone else said. But like he said, if he was using me for sex he would easily go find it somewhere else and would not invest in me emotionally, like we argue over things and he hasn’t left.

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Meg September 23, 2011, 12:11 pm

No physical stuff? But that’s not what you want…you want him as a boyfriend. It will be incredibly difficult to continue hanging out with a romantic interest without the physical stuff.
You keep saying he is already hurting you. Why are you keeping him in your life if he is hurting you? This is going to be like a pulling a band aid off quickly. I know what you’re feeling because I’ve been there…you want to see what happens if you just hold on a little longer…but trust me, it just hurts more. Agreed, he’s not using you JUST for sex. Guys also enjoy the physical AND emotional benefits of a relationship. He likes having “someone” who he can do these things with. It’s comforting to just have someone, isn’t it?
I guess you could give him an ultimatum. I don’t really like to do that because no one ever responds well to them. But you’re past that point and it doesn’t really matter anymore. I also don’t like the fact that he still talks to his ex. And that he had some other girl in there as well. What a smooth talker :-(
The sooner you drop him, the sooner you will be open to meeting mr. fantastic!

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Jessica September 23, 2011, 1:15 pm

Very true. I guess the part that gets me stumped is him telling me his loves me. He says he has only told 3 people that he loved them. When we get into fights he leaves a dozen roses on my door step, he pays for everything when we do go out. And like you said I do not want to give an ultimatum like either we date or I’m done because he is just going to say why do you need a label. I never know what to say back. He is truly an emotionally manipulator, he knows exactly what I want to hear but then why would someone go through all this and say I love you, and buy me things if he only want someone there? I guess I don’t know how to end things. My ex boyfriend cheated on me several times during our relationship a few years ago. I was never strong enough to leave him. I don’t understand why it is so hard for me to leave people who are hurting me when I have no problem walking away and leaving great guys who treat me well. Why is it so hard to leave this asshole?! I don’t get it and I don’t get why I cant just leave

rachel September 20, 2011, 12:31 am

hey i need help. I was going out with a guy.we were really happy together, atleast that’s wat i thought. one day from another friend of mine told me that he has a girl friend. I asked him and he didnt deny. I was so mad and upset. we broke up. but i couldnt stop crying. i felt like the whole world just ended. i was miserable. he appologized to me and after 2 months i forgive him. And slowly started talking again. but he and his girl friend is pretty much just like engaged. Both their families knows about it and so he told me sorry he cant do anything about it. I know its my fault. I just really missed him. he was all mine now he is not. he asked me if i wanted to be friends with benefits. i felt insulted at begining. later i donno y but we r pretty much friends with benefits. i know he still likes me but he said he cannot promise a life with him. i am getting so attached to him and i still love him after everything he did… and i didnt even tell his gf about us. what to i do. i dono what i am doing. i am not a slut but i feel like one. i never felt like this about anyone else before. if he had a gf y did he start talking to me.. i donno….help pls……

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memii September 18, 2011, 10:29 pm

I wonder why men are getting so sensitive nowadayz. Lol these guys are getting.g emotional with me because I know how to set my table ladies. I puck out the good qualities that each one has and enjoy them for that with all did respect. Men are like tools so we have to stop complaining that we don’t make one man every tool at once. Get a tool box ladies and keep all of your tools together safe and secure. I’m not saying go crazy but hey it is what is.

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Kathleen October 6, 2011, 10:44 pm

MEMII…… YOUR POST WAS THE SMARTEST ONE I READ ON THIS SITE….you are absolutely correct…. Your strategy totally works for me and I’m always in a position of having to fight men off…. I wish the other girls on this site would take this approach… Men love a challenge and unfortunately being Ms. Goody and devoted does not work in the initial phase of dating.

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k November 17, 2011, 10:22 pm

but then which one do you marry? bare children with?

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maja55 September 12, 2011, 7:13 pm

Yes..hence the wonderful connecting traits of tantra philosophy…..men holding off orgasm to connect more deeply and no ejaculation orgasm..taking sexual energy to heart rather than shoot it out ! so to speak…..taking time to deeply connect with their woman..slow not goal oriented..opening men’s hearts and women’s wombs….connecting, honouring, sharing….its really the best way to go I feel having practised both “types” of sexual relating….
Read Peace Between The Sheets and check out Karessa
xx

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maja55 September 12, 2011, 5:50 pm

Actually I do want to add to the above Eric..regards your comment on biology – oxytocin etc and the bonding after sex…..I work in birth so I absolutely agree regards bonding thru oxytocin (which infact also works with men – to a degree plus add testosterone and another configuration of sensation occurs!)
Having also studied tantra and the brain – male / female and socialisation its a combination of many factors why so many men – or the masculine aspect of brain pulls away after sex…….there is a subtle trigger in male brain once he orgasms that is like a “pull away” response where he needs to cut off from woman and take time out – space to re gather himself until the need again arises..there is an idea that the masculine “empties” through sex and the “feminine” fills up through sex…..
So in a sense it is biological BUT also I have been researching that for the female it is also our socialisation…practices thousands of years back in Indian temples for eg (and in the East) show that women were encouraged to have many sexual partners, to choose different men at different times to fulfill her sexual/emotional yearning…..Religion brought in, bec of ownership, one woman to one man, many women to one man – women’s socialisation around sexuality changed…..
If we as women today were socialised into knowing that we could have many lovers, no stigma attached, and that in our monthly cycle we actually desire different sizes and shaped male organs then I wonder how many of these discussions where men and women have been placed in a tight box of relating would happen….

Lots more around this topic……..xx

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Eric Charles September 12, 2011, 6:44 pm

Very interesting… I’ve never heard that about wanting to “withdraw”.
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I know personally there’s nothing I’d like more afterward than to pass out. :)

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Concerned Reader September 12, 2011, 9:53 am

one more comment.
The book “He’s just not that into you” is a book written for jerks written by jerks.
What excused did people use before this silly book entered the sphere?

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Eric Charles September 12, 2011, 11:32 am

I never read it. Not my bag.

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Francesca September 13, 2011, 10:40 am

Haha they used the same excuses, but now an actual dude decided to write a book about it and put it on paper.

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Concerned Reader September 13, 2011, 12:33 pm

You know I don’t like being rejected nor do I like doing the rejecting.
It is hard either way and I hate the mixed feelings that go with it.
I always hope that I never run into the person again.
It is so hard to know what to do. Some people try and remain friends. I usually don’t.
Plus I have a tendency to over analyze and that makes it hurt more.
Love having men in my life as friends but dating is a different ball of wax.

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Concerned Reader September 12, 2011, 9:45 am

Hello:

I am tired of women getting all the blame being too this or too that. Women do most of the work in relationships (thats a fact) and yet you never hear women say how needy men are.
Funny how that works.
I am 41 never been married but dated enough to know.
Men think its all abou THEM and what THEY WANT and when they want it.
Freaking walking around like they are the only ones who have anything at stake or any skin in the game.
I have had a couple of men toy with me and then call it a mis-communication after being intimate with me. The universe has a way of evening things out guys – remember that.
I would never treat a man the way some men have treated me and I would so love to be present when these useless losers get their come upppance.
No, I don’t care if I am jaded or bitter either.

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Eric Charles September 12, 2011, 11:31 am

Is this comment directed towards me or is it just a general comment on how you feel about dating, men and society in general?
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I’ve always pointed out how unattractive neediness is for *men and women*. I work with men and women and I’ve never shifted the responsibility or “blame” onto any one gender.
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I understand that it can be frustrating, but I’m never a fan of comments that sound “anti-men” (just as I wouldn’t be a fan of comments that sound “anti-women”).
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I *would* be a fan of comments that sound pro-communication, pro-acceptance, pro-appreciation and pro-personal-responsibility.

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Concerned Reader September 12, 2011, 3:37 pm

If you have never read the book then why are all these comments flying around about
how someone is just not that into you?
OK, let’s drop it.

Eric, my comment is not directed towards you at all.
It is a frustration on my part about dating and men.
I really don’t like it when a man tells me we are dating and then backslides his way out of it after we have been intimate. Yes, I realize I chose to go there with him and did so early on in one case but did so based on what he said.

I would feel so guilty if I was intimate with a man and then fed him some line. I had one man act all interested in me when he primarily was looking to hook up. If I had been intimate with him I would now be the dumb naive woman while he would just move on just like the last one did. I really believe these men know what they are doing and they flat out don’t care.
Sex is just a double edged sword for women. That is how I see it.
I could understand if a man told me flat out he was not interested in a relationship and then I would not do anything but telling me after seems a little shady.
Holding hands on the first date and sending cute text messages, really?
Not hearing from the other person for two weeks, having to send the dreaded email that says “I know you are blowing me off” and then the ol’ sorry for the mis-communication (can’t wait to get rid of you) is also implied I am sure.
You can lecture and tell me and other women not to sleep with a man if we want a relationship with him and I will tell you and all men not to sleep with me if you don’t want a relationship with me.
At any rate, I really appreciate you replying back to me as I figured I would get no response.

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Eric Charles September 12, 2011, 4:59 pm

Of course – happy to respond (though I’m not always able to).
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I mean, believe me… I feel ya. When it comes to the notion of sex without attachment, biology in not on your side (or on women’s side, that is).
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Once you start having sex, your body releases “bonding” hormones (oxytocin is one, I believe there is at least one other) that has you feeling bonded and attached to the guy you’re sleeping with.
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Which is why, typically, the no-strings attached relationship starts to go south, usually with the woman forming feelings and the guy not sharing those feelings…
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But that’s not what you’re talking about here… you’re talking about going out with the intention of having a relationship, thinking you’re on the same page and then once you sleep together the guy has no interest in a relationship.
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My heart goes out to you. Nobody likes being disappointed like that…
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Still, it’s in your best interest not to nurture anger or resentment towards men. Oftentimes it’s the women who hate or resent men (on some level) that tend to attract the worst men.
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And it works the same for guys… the guys who hate or resent women tend to attract the absolute worst women.
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There are good, kind, thoughtful, appreciative, loving people out there. And there are also vile, despicable, selfish, lying people out there.
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It’s not because they are a man. Or because they are a woman. It’s because they are them and that’s who they are.
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Now, turn on any TV program or movie and they will BAIT you into hating the opposite gender. The media loves gender wars!
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But it won’t help you. It’s in your best interest to do everything you can to orient yourself toward the best side of people, men and women.
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Get hateful, negative people out of your life. Get hateful, negative media out of your life. The more you nurture discontent, the more discontenting events will somehow find their way into your life.
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Fortunately the opposite is true. The more you orient yourself towards a loving, appreciative and positive mindset, the more positive experiences will find you.
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And that’s not new age crap… it’s actually really simple: The only people who want ANYTHING to do with negative people are… other negative people (who probably couldn’t give a crap whether you’re negative or positive, they just want to use you somehow.)
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It’s your choice. Some people choose anger because they don’t want to feel naive or helpless. The better choice is orienting yourself towards being proactive and positive.
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Hope that’s helpful.

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Concerned Reader September 12, 2011, 7:06 pm

Hello Eric:

Your comments were helpful and appreciative.
You are right about not getting caught up in anger and hating which I fully confess I am guilty of 100 percent.
Had this fellow not approached me I never would have noticed him and he was not even good looking but for some reason I told myself to give him a chance.
Oh the irony.
I do have several positive people in my life and I don’t think I have any negative ones nearby. Learned that lesson a long time ago to stay away from the negative ones.
I know of couples who were high school or college sweethearts that are still married and I think that is a beautiful thing.
In our culture it is like there is something wrong with you if you are not out having sex every weekend or hooking up and I just think that is a huge disservice to both genders but I am probably in the minority there which is unfortunate.
I am not the most positive person myself but man I would never use a man in that way. I just could not do that to another human being.
It has been a year and I have not gone back to the place I met this person.
I just have no desire to go there now if ever again.
I am also not a proponent of online dating as I see that as another huge time waster which yields poor results in the end.
Who knows what will happen to me in the romantic field.
I don’t relish the idea of being alone forever but I don’t fear it either.
Thanks for your time.

Kelli September 12, 2011, 5:57 am

I can’t thank you enough for your advice mr Eric Charles! I really needed a guys opinion in this & yours has been so helpful.
My story is a little long so please bare with me here… A couple of months ago, I met this wonderful guy – we got along so well & I fell for him almost instantly. We went on a couple of dates & ended up sleeping together… We had such incredible chemistry too! But then things went weird – I think because he could see how much I liked him. He backed off completely, we didnt see eachother for a few weeks & the communication was very minimal. Eventually, I had a girly emotional day & I poured my heart out to him. He told me he really appreciated my honesty, he thinks im an amazing woman but he cant get into a relationship because he’s been hurt before, he’s got a very busy life & he needs to do some soul searching before he can even think about commiting – so all he can offer me is friendship. So, what could I do… I said that was fine, I understand. Soon after we became more of a “Friends with benefits” situation – we saw eachother one nite a week for a couple of weeks & had some fun. We didnt see eachother for a couple of weeks over the holidays & then bam… next thing I see on facebook that he’s in a relationship. I was completely gutted. Luckily I know when it’s time to walk away with your dignity still intact to I left it & didn’t contact him or go crazy asking what that was all about. Got a message from him on my bday & we had a little how are u, what’s news chat. Then a couple of months into his relationship with this new girl, i stated getting messages from him again, saying his relationship is on the rocks, hes not happy, etc. I told him I couldn’t see him until they ended their relationship completely, that took about another month or so, on again off again, until they finally ended it. The chick ended up going a bit psycho on him so it didnt end too well. Anyway… I am now seeing him again – since last saturday, & its back to our once weekly time together. Enjoying one another’s company & enjoying the chemistry we share. Its taken a couple of emotional days for me to get back into this because I have such strong feelings for him. He really is the man of my dreams, I am crazy about him & I cant bare the thought of not having him in my life. I know for a fact that he has commitment issues, especially being a Sagittarius. & after he’s just come out of a bad relationship, another relationship is really the last thing he wants. So now that I’ve read your advice, I’m happy to give it some time the way it is – not pushing the relationship issue, just keeping it light & simple & hoping that when he’s ready, it could turn into something more. I would be happy to hear anyones comments or advice. Thank you again! – Kelli

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Francesca September 12, 2011, 8:51 am

This guy is using you as his fallback girl. That is obvious. I understand what you’re going through. I went through a VERY similar situation. But unless you want to wait and wait and wait (for who knows how long, could be forever), you are going to risk missing out on some really great guys out there! You WILL find a guy who doesn’t hesitate and feed you those “lines.” In my opinion, what he’s doing is wrong. It’s not fair to keep tabs on you to see if you’re moving on by becoming your “friend”. He might honestly not understand that what he’s doing is hurtful, but he doesn’t care either way. Even if he did become your boyfriend, he would probably always keep one eye open towards other options. But point is – he didn’t hesitate when he got into that relationship with the other girl! He’s just not THAT into you. Find a guy who knows what he wants from you and cut this guy off. It’s easier that way, trust me. Best of luck Kelli.

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Kelli September 13, 2011, 5:57 am

Thank you for your honesty Francesca. Much appreciated. :-)

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Francesca September 13, 2011, 8:48 am

No problem! And you seem like someone who wants to find love. You’re probably way closer to finding it than that guy you were with. :-)

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Bella May 2, 2012, 1:47 pm

I hope you’ve dropped this guy by now. He is using you big time. When my fiance and I broke up 2 years ago, I started dating and had some moron put me through a similar thing. After 3 months I ran back to my man and haven’t left his side ever since. You shouldn’t have even replied to him. He didn’t even have the courtesy to contact you before posting his new relationship, but didn’t mind getting a hold of you when he needed some ass. This guy is worthless. Drop him.

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Anais November 12, 2013, 12:34 pm

A bit old of an a post but I wanted to say, you can always use men like this to your advantage if you’re strong enough emotionally and simply don’t invest more than they invest in you. Basically what Eric says, mirror their efforts and level of interest. If you enjoy his company, why not keep him around and spend less time with him while you find someone good for you. Just don’t place your eggs in one basket over HIM.

Instead of focusing on “he’s not that into you” (I really don’t find that phrase empowering) focus on the fact he committed to a girl with “psycho” issues over you. That’s a red flag. It mainly says a lot about who he is and wouldn’t be a good boyfriend. He probably has commitment fears so he’s attracted to women who are likely to treat him poorly. So look at it this way– you’re too good to be his girlfriend and he’s only good enough to be your friend with benefits, while you find a guy who deserves to be your boyfriend.

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Simran September 11, 2011, 7:00 pm

Heyy friends, I’ve been reading some of your comments and I really like how everyone’s helping each other out. :)

I’m wondering if you’re able to help me out in my situation? My situation is that I’ve really started falling for this guy.. Were actually friends.. We became friends few weeks ago as we were on a holiday together with other friends aswell.
After the holiday, we’ve been talking pretty much every day n night.. And I’m starting to get feelings for him, but he DOESN’T know! At one point, I thought he might be getting feelings for me aswell.. Until that was when he mentioned his other half to me.. Although he’s only mentioned her ONCE. He didn’t even say her name.. He literlly jus said that ‘oh my other half was there too’ he said that because I said I was at some place where his ‘other half’ was aswell.. But He never really talks about her where were talking… But then I think he may jus like me as a friend.. Because he’s already with someone.. So is it possible that even tho he’s with this someone, he may jus start liking me?? Not that I wanna break his relationship up or anything.. Cuz if he’s happy with her then that’s cool.. But then ever since he mentioned that one time about his other half, I get jealous when he doesn’t reply to my msgs at times… I’m trying not to like him because he’s with someone.. But I can’t help it! Do you think there’s any scope for me and him?!

I would really appreciate what you guys think.. :) Thanks a lot xoxo

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Kate September 8, 2011, 5:18 pm

It’s amazing to see so many people going through the same thing! I like the comment “Women fall in love with men’s presence and men are in love with a women’s absence”…if i quoted it correctly. I have let this situation consumed so much of me. I don’t get it..if your greatest memories are with me, if everything about us is a relationship, met family friends even travel overseas together..say i love u..willing to work on it….then what is the big deal?? how much more time do u want? decided to take a break…that didn’t go down well but i need to find me again, enjoy life without him because this is frustrating me. Will see how it goes.

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maja55 September 2, 2011, 6:29 pm

PS Am writing my next book on all of this
Mastering Spiritual Partnership Through Surrender (working title!)

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maja55 September 2, 2011, 6:29 pm

Thanks Eric…..Glad you wouldnt argue re FFF!! I have to say I think its the primal male urges that we women sometimes refuse to accept but somewhere deep down we know its valid..as my other friend (male in his 50′s says)
” most men are like cavemen in dinner suits!!”
Always makes me laugh!

I have just been through a wake up call myself of late (I am 48 with 3 kids and 2 different dads so have been doing this “relating” for some time!!)
I met a lovely separated guy – who separated one year or so ago- online (47 – 4 kids) was married 21 years!!! V loyal and committed……we get on v v well…in different circumstances dare I say soul playmates! He is on overwhelm as the reality of the separation, juggling kids, work, finances, his “new” self dawn on him….we have been together 3 1/2 mths engaged in amazing honest and mature “relating”..yes we slept together early on second date (we live 2 1/2hr from each other so see each other 2 x a mth – he rings me every day or texts) ..and what I clearly see every time that for MOST women sex and emotion are partners! V hard to separate especially overtime..it is natural/biological for us and so our hearts want more..the security I talked about above ..we want more so we can GO DEEP with our man
…women want to go deep and we open the womb – the womb is a place of depth, expansion, feelings – when we allow a man to penetrate us he goes deep into this womb space and opens it deeply..no denial…so that’s happened with me with this man…..
he felt it too….when we get v v close and he OPENS within days he closes down..its v scary for the masculine – he doesnt have a womb he externalises –
He goes to logic first – he is sorting out a 21 yr break up!! I went into my heart wanting to walk the road hand in hand with him, (nurture) I said I would walk thru and around ALL obstacles if we had the INTENTION to be committed…he said he didnt think he could do serious now, that he needed to walk the path alone to sort his shit out…that his time is v v limited..he has so much to sort out..LOGIC…I was devastated -HEART but I am also in touch with my head, rationale, logic – my masculine side!!!! I totally understood…..my heart was crying buckets of tears for what could BE?? or BEEN?? I shared this with him and I also shared how courageous he was, how much I admired him knowing that this is where he needs to be..thanked him for his honesty..he said that what I said made him feel so much better (he is v in touch with his emotions BTW)…..he said he doesnt want to lose me, he wants a friendship, and wants to still see me, etc etc..I said I couldnt have sex with him anymore outside of committment.its too hard for my HEART…he said he honours that totally……what has dawned on me is that we are actually doing is still developing depth, trust with one another….all the things that relationships actually require!!
who knows where it will go BUT women when you stay in the “unknown” place of not knowing everything, surrendering you begin to FEEL your deepest depths, learn and grow and mature from this Feeling place..letting go of trying to control a man…so good for the soul……my biggest quest in this now is asking myself
“although my idea to be serious and committed has essentially been rejected for NOW can I still open my heart and keep loving this man consciously, eyes wide open regardless of the outcome and still feel good.?”
…I am practicing unconditional love thru the forest of fear, resentment, anger, disappointment etc..its BIG!!! …
One day at a time!!!

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maja55 September 2, 2011, 2:24 am

It has occurred to me that two simultaneous things are happening between male and female by these posts and sooo many on internet regards dating/relationships/committment etc….
For me I think FEAR is challenged on either side but for different reasons…

Girls/Ladies fearing lonliness, loss, abandonment and hence a need to “know” everything that’s happening for the need to feel secure bec we do pour our body, hearts, minds and spirits deeply into our men……and security is a female primal need (have kids , man protects us)
Men fear of entrapment, being tied down, not having a “sense” of freedom, not making the “choice” but having women make the choice on their behalf to make the relationship into this label of security….

If we ladies can pace ourselves and stay connected to our external world of other activities, boosting self esteem, not being desperate for an answer….staying relaxed..letting the man “drive” the relationship for perhaps the first year if he is a man you actually really want to be with that serves and benefits YOU!

Is he really someone you WANT to be with for all of his wonderful qualities or do you want to be with him because you are getting attention…..???? Keep lines of communication open..keep being your wonderful, smart, beautiful, relaxed selves..let him call, text, initiate MOST of the time…..TRUST!!!!

Also when we feel abandoned by a man (or woman) ask ourselves
“Am I abandoning myself for this relationship??”
Then you have an answer to ponder…

As my good freind in his 50′s says..(he did the long haul 25 yr marriage, 3 kids later etc)
Men look for F F F
Feed, F…… and a Friend
sorry but from the horses mouth!!!!!

All best To All

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Eric Charles September 2, 2011, 4:22 am

Great comment, thank you. Fear plays such a major role in how we relate to others – the problem can be sometimes we don’t recognize fear as fear… we label it as something else (stress, jealousy, suspicion, pessimism, etc.)
.
Mastering trust is a worthwhile skill.
.
As for the 3 Fs… yeah, I wouldn’t argue against that. :)

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Jason August 27, 2011, 3:31 am

One of my aversions to using the word ‘girlfriend’ is sometimes girls change when you start using labels. That could be what he’s worried about.

Another possibility is that he sees himself as single and you’re a friend with benefits. Now, there are a few things you can do about it. If you stick with him, the relationship might naturally become more serious over time, and he’ll find it a bit weird to see you as a ‘FwB’ that he relies on for emotional support, that’s been going on for 3 years (heh). You could decide he’s not worth the uncertainty and dump him. Or you could keep pestering him.

One final possibility is that he doesn’t actually want you as his girlfriend, but he’s prepared to shag you. That is, that he sees himself as a player (accurately or not), and a ‘girlfriend’ doesn’t fit with this identity.

Only you’ll be able to intelligently comment on which of these could be true.

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bon August 8, 2011, 5:56 am

KB
I cant give you advice, and Im sure your friends want you happy. All I can say is when I last wrote about my situation I wrote because my friends thought I was crazy for sticking in there. (maybe I am) But today I know I love him and he is worth it. No one ever tells you life is going to be easy. I would only suggest, that you take a few days and nights to be by yourself and think about what you want from life. Is this a perfect relationship? Just know Im almost 54 and I havent found a “perfect one yet”. Write on paper what you want from life, are you happier when he is there with you, do you feel empty when he is gone or do you just feel life is life??? best of luck only you have the answers inside of you.

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aurelie August 20, 2011, 2:16 pm

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 months. We’re exclusive, he calls me his girlfriend, and has introduced me to his family and friends. We are in careers in which we have to apply now for training programs (lasts a few years) that will begin next summer. He said he wants to leave our current city, and I asked what that means for us. His last relationship (which ended 1.5 years ago with his ex dumping him weeks before he was going to propose) has left him confused about whether or not he can trust his feelings toward me. He said he does not want to break up with me, that he cares about me as a girlfriend, but that he does not want to be in a serious, long term committed relationship. He’s not the type to casually hook up either, so I’m trust him when he says this isn’t just friends with benefits to him. He said that he felt the same way about his ex in the beginning of the relationship (that he didn’t want a long term relationship), then his feelings changed, but he’s worried because it ended badly. He doesn’t want to break up, though, and neither do I, but I can’t help but hear him say he likes me, but not enough for a long-term relationship, which makes no sense to me because he insists that he doesn’t want to break up and really does care about me… Help! What to do?

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KB August 8, 2011, 1:43 am

I have the same situation. I met this guy but he lives on the other coast. We talked and said that we’re gonna be exclusively dating. I would go there often and he would come to my city too. That was two years ago. Last month I told him that I wanted to be serious and put a label on it, but he said that he likes me a lot and he enjoys every time he spends with me but he couldn’t give me the relationship that I want. When I ask why, all he would say is that because we live in different coasts. I told him we’ll just be friends then but he still persisted on the exclusively dating thing and still continue to communicate with me and even came to visit me. And I gave in because I really like him a lot. All my friends are harassing me about it, saying why I’m letting myself be compromised and they say that if a guy doesn’t wanna be with me after that long, then he would never wanna be with me ever. I don’t know what to do anymore.

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Mariah August 8, 2011, 1:11 am

There is this boy, lets call him Dylan, and we have been seeing each other for 3 months now and he could possibly be leaving to go to the Air Force next month. We always talk about dating but he doesn’t feel “comfortable” enough to date because if he were to leave he doesn’t want us to be together. I understand where he’s coming from and I told him I would support him no matter. Summer is almost over and how many more times in life are we going to be able to be together? Oh I am also a Senior in high school while he just graduated in May. what should i do? please help ):

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bon July 28, 2011, 12:22 pm

hi. i have been with this guy for a little more than a year. we knew each other before his wife passed away. we started “dating” but his adult son found out, we werent really trying to keep it a secret it was almost a year of her death when we started dating and wanted that to pass before we said anything to him. things became very hard for me and him because of the son and NOSEY neighbors that had nothing better to do than to report about us dating. to make a long story to the point, we enjoy each and see each other a few times a week. I have two daughters *adults* and he has one son. my daughters think its great that im dating him. recently he has been saying things to me like “im not your boyfriend”. he is getting really touchy about putting a name on what we have. I let him know its no biggie to me either way. But lately, Im feeling like something is going south here. neither one of us are seeing any one else. I know in two weeks will be “her second year of dying”. I try so hard to be patience and understanding but how long should this go on? They were married for 36 years and he never ever cheated on her. I cant and dont want to compete with a ghost. please help. thanks.

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Karen July 26, 2011, 9:34 am

This totally helped. Thanks Eric!

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Francesca July 19, 2011, 3:01 pm

I agree with Miss Michelle whole-heartedly. If after two to four months of solid and great dating you are still not “official” then there is probably a reason. Things should be easy in the beginning. He should be excited about the idea of a relationship with you…not hesistant. I dated a guy for three months exclusively and when I asked him where this was going (shouldn’t have had to) he finally ended up saying he wasn’t ready for a relationship and didn’t really know what he wanted. Wish he could have said it sooner! I was so upset.
So what I’m saying is – be upfront with what YOU want. Wait till you know he’s a guy you actually want to be with though. But a guy won’t let excuses get in the way of being with you if it is YOU that HE wants. My guy ended up contacting me a week or two later and said he missed me, thought he could see himself marrying me (wanted to take things differently this time) and wanted to be with me in a relationship. Then changed his mind after a week and said he still wasn’t ready and timing was off. I may never know the answer.
But what I do know is that you should never settle for a relationship where you don’t feel comfortable. If a guy actually wants to be with you, he’ll make it happen. Promise.

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Karen July 26, 2011, 9:38 am

I agree. If a guy really cares and loves you, he should make it happen in atleast 6 months. If it takes longer he never will. Fact proved.

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Francesca July 26, 2011, 9:46 am

Yea, but I think even 3 months is generous…he should wanna “lock it up” before that so you aren’t single anymore. We deserve a guy who actually wants to be with you and are excited and can’t wait to call you his girlfriend. :)

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Karen July 26, 2011, 9:59 am

Exactly! I wasted 10 months because I was stuck on the idea of”what it could be” which is a big mistake. We have to see the alerts since the beginning, but we are so attached that we blind ourselves without even noticing.

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Francesca July 26, 2011, 10:03 am

I know, I wasted about 6 months because I kept him my life and did the “what if” thing too….which was exactly just what he wanted. He kept feeding me lines. Finally I ended it. So many red flags looking back now, right? We just have to find the right guy!!

Miss Michelle June 8, 2011, 2:57 am

As much as I would like to agree that “it takes time” and that “people need time” blah blah excuse after excuse, my heart is broken from a previous relationship etc. DONT WASTE YOUR TIME WAITING. I have been there, done it and IT SUCKS because NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE. If you are looking for a title and its been four months and he is still reluctant to treat you with the RESPECT and TITLE of a girlfriend then LEAVE. Do not do what I did and waste nearly two years of your life with someone who, to be quite frank, doesn’t appreciate you like you deserve. By allowing him to not give you a title or convey that you are SPECIAL to him when he is with his friends means that he is self absorbed and perhaps even a coward. Any man who truly cares about you wants his friends to know that you are special to him, trust me. Furthermore, it is absolutely selfish of him to CONTINUE to date you when you have expressed that you are looking for a title. Find a guy who LOVES you, and is not willing to string you along because he cares more about how he feels and what he needs to be happy. Find someone who meets your needs and NEVER settle for anything less. A healthy relationship is give and take and if you are giving too much back away. Pleaseplesaeplease, do not stay in a relationship where your needs are being neglected. You will regret it and most of all, miss out on amazing guys who want to treat you right.

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Karen July 26, 2011, 9:40 am

Super true! I was in a relationship like thus for 10 months. I wasted my time :(

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KM December 10, 2011, 11:48 pm

Miss Michelle is correct, after 4 to 6 months max, if he does not see having a “relationship” with you or tries to avoid the “where is this going?” talk by complaining that he’s “not into labels”

take head & pay special attention to his body language when you have “the talk”

Red flag:
For instance, if he actually has to get up off his seat on the couch next to you and walk across the room complaining in stride (this is actually avoidance on his part) he is not serious and is messing around. And note if he starts getting irritated or moody about the discussion, because being a male he does not want to be held to any obligations. And he is such a precious male that we females need to cow-tow to his needs and realize that males mostly “live for the moment” [note my sarcasm].

RESPECT
It is about respect.

More than likely, even if he claims he is not seeing anyone else and not looking to see anyone else, (which = monogamy/exclusivity in your eyes) this is his “get out of vagina free card”

When (yes it is only a matter of time before the truth comes out via you breaking it off with him and he confesses out of anger to upset you or you catch him or whatever other way the truth surfaces) he gets caught/or fesses up to running around your back with other females this will shock you regardless of your expectations.

This is the definition of a jerk who makes up part of the 80% undateable population.

I am not digressing, just trying to show you how males try to work their angle of having their cake and eating it too and doing it “guilt free” by means of justifying their actions by purposefully confusing you about your relationship (this can also be done by double-talking and constant contradictions or avoidance on his part) or leaving you hanging by not giving you an answer.

Red Flag #2
As most of us know, be leary of the man who tries to get you to be his GF before 3 months of seeing eachother. This is the other type of nemisis offensive dater. Most likely he is trying to rush things to get you undressed faster.

It comes down to TRUST. you have to trust yourself and trust him and if you don’t trust him and how he is treating you GET OUTTA THE RELATIONSHIP NOW.

And let me tell you, there is no excuse for him misleading her or lying to the her and saying in so many ways say they are what they are not (exclusive) and then trying to come out like he was not at fault because since you two were not BF/GF hence, there was never a relationship. Whether he wants to admit it or not, past 4 dates, he is in a relationship whether he addresses this or not. Now what kind of relationship you two have is up to y’all.

You do not want someone who disrespects you and puts your health at risk. You have to trust your gut and instinct when dating. And you have to have a talk and set ground rules.

GROUND RULES
I disagree about not bringing up “the talk” more than once. If more females stood up for themselves and demanded respect, more males would be showing much more decent behavior regardless of how their mothers raised them.

Chances are:
If you start questioning your relationship and where is this going and actually communicate, edit: try to communicate, to him about your needs, and he isn’t making your feelings or needs a priority there is something seriously broken in the relationship.

Do not let him fool you by trying to disregard “the talk” because he knows most of us females do not want to come across as “needy” therefore he will try to take advantage of us psychologically, ie, by trying to play upon our insecurities. Give him the boot the first time you see his display of lizard like behavior (okay I have a 3 strikes and you are out rule, which is more than generous) —how much “give” you are willing to allow him to “take” is up to you

…just don’t become another statistic who is played by a manchild who acts like a 5 year old on the playground fighting about not wanting to committ while he goes over and kisses Sally, Suzy and Jenny on his lunch break.

Side note: In more serious matters, about marriage for instance, it is important to find out where the person stands on marriage and if not interested, whether the other person is “not into the institution of marriage” or just “not into the idea of marriage with you” …

….this is not to be compared to whether someone is “not into GF/BF titles of relationships” or “not into having you as GF/BF” because being someone’s GF/BF the comittment is not on the same level as being eachother’s spouse.

NO EXCUSES
There is no excuse ever for a male to say “he is not into titles [ie, BF/GF]” and if he goes as far as to remark “Well if you want to tell others that I am your BF go ahead (but I’m not going to do the same–as in he does not consider you his GF) he just wants to have his cake and eat it too. This is the time when you need to run in the other direction. It is only going to bring you more months of misery the longer you try to hold onto straws when neither of you are on the same page.

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jacky March 31, 2011, 9:30 pm

I agree with abby. when I asked my guy why he acted like my boyfriend but never actually said he was he asked me if i wanted to be in a relationship when i said it made sense he answered that it was complicated. what does that mean?!

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Karen July 26, 2011, 9:53 am

It means “why would he make it official if he already has you?” you need to let him know what you really wAnt and how you feel. If he really cares he will make a change and stop giving you a lame excuse. Trust me. If not, then you are your time. Ther is morre fish in the see and I bet there’s plenty of guys that will give anything to be with you . Keep your options open. I know it’s hard to let go, but you will be glad you did.

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lost... March 27, 2011, 1:37 am

what is wrong with me??? im stressing so much over this guy an i cant and dont want to get over him,i love him,im inlove with him, i wouldnt see myself with anyone but him, my hair is falling out,iv woke up crying,i think about him all day an night and he wont eveb talk to me.he wants nothing to do with me and iv done nothing wrong at all. i have no form of way to even ever talk to him if i wanted too,ut i love him with all my heart…

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kayla quintero March 19, 2011, 10:07 am

thank you so much,iv made up my mind that im going to give him is space.giving him space was never an objective in my mind,the one and only thing that i was and kind of still worrie about is losing him,i just keep telling myself that he’ll come back.thank you so much for your advise,it really helped:)

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Bubbles March 19, 2011, 5:34 am

@ Kayla quintero, You have made the right choice, in giving him some. I know my guy needs to have breathing space, even though we love each other’s company. Perhaps, calm down on the texting if that’s the main way for communication, and try ringing him in a few days, that way each of you will have something new/interesting to talk about instead of being breathing down each other’s neck. It’s really up to you, what to decide is right for YOU, he has made HIS decision…So I suggest for now, you take some time to chill and hang with your friends. He’ll come back to you when he’s ready, and refreshed. Space to some guys is important as their identity maybe become smothered by our (girlfriends) anxieties, insecurities, and sometimes too much emotion. I hope this helps as it comes from my own experience. Any other input from other people would be awesome too.

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kayla quintero March 18, 2011, 11:25 pm

okay,well iv been taling to this guy for about a month but dated him back in 7th grade,iv liked him alot since,i fell like i love him an he told me the same,recently we have been so happy didnt think i would ever find sumone like him,im tierd of playing all thos games where we play hard to get an act like we dont care ect.. but he ignored me all day today and didnt answer any text,however he answers everyone els,my friend called him an he says im smothering,so i text him an told him that i wud give him the space he needed and wud be here wen hes ready.However,i miss him so much already, i just wanna be with him so bad,i feel like im obsessed,please help me in what i should do i really really dont want to lose him.PLEASE!

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Joyann March 16, 2011, 11:15 pm

You couldn’t have said it better. Thank you. What bothers me so much is that I tell any & every one who asks or, if I am introducing him to anyone, that he is my boyfriend but he never says what I am to him & it is 2 years now that we have known each other. He says he is “keeping his options open”. On the other hand he spends a great amount of time with my son & me. There is too much more I can say.

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Joyann March 16, 2011, 11:14 pm

You couldn’t have said it better. Thank you. What bothers me so much is that I tell any & every one who asks or, if I am introducing him to anyone, that he is my boyfriend but he never says what I am to him & it is 2 years now that we have known each other. He says he is “keeping his options open”. On the other hand he spends a great amount of time with my son & me. There is too much more I can say

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Bubbles March 14, 2011, 4:51 am

This is my situation. And until I read this I thought I was the world’s largest worrier. But obviously there are people out there in the same situation. I’ve been with my mate (not too sure if we’re boy/girlfriend) for 6 months. Some days I think about it, and others it doesn’t bother me. Recently we’ve had a talk about space, and the right to privacy. Despite us enjoying the company, it felt as though we depended on each other, so I have stopped seeing him every other day, and just give the occasional text message. I think this makes him wonder what I am doing, and also gives us time to follow our own interests. At first I have found it difficult, but slowly I am gaining confidence back again to join social groups. My mate won’t call me his girlfriend because he doesn’t know where it will lead, nor does he want to be labelled, especially when he has other things on his mind. So there are sacrifices for the little things, and this is one thing I am happy not to pester him about, as it would make things sour quickly. Be yourself, and don’t expect anything less.

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Greenie March 4, 2011, 5:46 am

I cannot believe myself until i read the full story. How can the exact same thing happen to completely different people at a completely different continent.

i guess most girls have to learn it the hard way. Set standards. You need to define how you want to be treated and not to be trampled all over just because you let them.

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Ashley February 20, 2011, 10:48 pm

I think that you have to match the effort he’s puting into the relationship though. If he wants to give more, he’ll do so. But you can’t really force him to either. I’m learning a lot now as well from December til now. We worked things out and we’re “officially dating” whatever that means since he’s finally said it lol He’s introduced me to some of his friends and some of his family know about me as well since the summer. Sometimes we barely see each other because of his work and he’s always on call. (A sub teacher) plus his grad classes he takes as well. And my schedule is just work and school, and I always have one day a week off and he knows that. But sometimes, work comes first and I understand that, but ehh sometimes it bothers me a bit. But hey, what can you do. Gotta do what you gotta do.
Lately though, we had a talk and we decided that we’re definitely dating each other seriously but can be open to other people. I think it’s just a phase for him because he just turned 25 early January, some of his friends are married or have serious girlfriends and I guess he’s still trying to hold onto being young and immature and being carefree. But, I feel I can’t tell him “NO don’t do that!” because I don’t want to seem like a controlling, jealous person. So I’ve backed off a bit and been doing my own thing and now he seems to wonder where I am and seems more interested in what I’ve been doing as well….
It’s a weird situation that I guess I just have to let it play out on it’s own. From the akward situation of how we met ,to the summer that brought us closer together, things happen for a reason and it’s been almost 8 months and still going.

Ladies, if he won’t put in the work or effort that you’re putting in, put that effort and work into something, another activity that you enjoy. Go out, have fun, party, drink take up a sport or something. Be occupied and enjoy life. Be happy and content with your life and the right guy will come along and will only enhance it and make it even better.
Live…Love…Laugh.

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Abby February 15, 2011, 2:14 am

Oh and also, I told him I didn’t understand why he doesn’t want a relationship yet he doesn’t want me seeing anyone else. He told me it complicated. Would you be able to explain that feeling or what is so complicated?

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Abby February 15, 2011, 2:03 am

Thanks. Reading this makes me feel better about what the similar situation I’m going through. I understand that guys need their time and not be forced into something they’re not ready for. The hard part is just acting it out. I do get frustrated that he’s not investing enough time in me.

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Peach'Z December 27, 2010, 2:31 am

-Wow, this blog is exactly what i needed to read…i am in the same situation and brought up the subject to him earlier as a matter of fact..and “communication is key” as me and him believe, but it was great that i read this, because now i don’t feel as confused! with him telling me so many great things and feelings getting so much deeper..yet he always introduce me as his “friend” and his mother addressed me as his “girlfriend” when i met his family..so i wasn’t sure what i am because i believe in “asking me out, and you making me your official girlfriend”..which has not happened obviously. Reading this help tremendously and i know as long we communicate we will be in great situation of us ending up together.

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dina December 13, 2010, 7:43 am

I am in the same situation, very suffer for boyfriend not calling me as his girl friend any more, 3 months ago, he falled in love with me, and was so happy, right now he said he needs to be free and without any commitment, and asked me to do whatever I wanted to do. meanwhile acting my boyfriend but without call me as his girl friend , without really date with me.

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Sabby December 4, 2010, 12:17 pm

I have been seeing this guy for a couple of months. He is a cop and his schedule is pretty crazy. Things were really good in the beginning. He we communicated everyday and saw each other when his schedule allowed. He have been intimate and usually would get together on his days off but never on the weekends. I have asked him to go out on a few occasions but he is always busy. So I asked him straight out if he isn’t interested in seeing each other anymore then to be straight with me and not waste my time. He said no that it wasn’t the case, he has just been super busy. I then made a text message boo boo and told him that I refuse to be used for sex and that I’m worth more than that. He didn’t respond. I really like him and we both enjoy each other’s company. I enjoyed the intimacy as much as he did and he seems pretty genuine when we are together. I just have been feeling a little rejected by his schedule and let my emotions get the better of me and I want to salvage this. I just want some real advice. Did I ruin my chances with him ? How can I fix it?

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Ashley December 2, 2010, 7:19 pm

Eric, your advice has opened up my mind. I know that sometimes guys have commitment issues for whatever reason. I’m a very deep and devoted person when it comes to relationships. I guess it may come from my sign, which is Scorpio.

I’ve been dating this guy for the past 5 months (we’ve known each other for 3 years but couldn’t do anything because of certain circumstances). Over the summer, we spent a lot of our days together but always did our own things on the side. It was playful and sweet and he acted like a really sweet boyfriend and I’ve been in terrible relationships and he knew before that I really liked him.

I’m in college and when my classes started, and he had work and his grad classes (we go to the same school) seeing each other became very rare. Maybe once every 3-4 weeks we would make a day to spend some time together. But, we’d text and talk on the phone practically everyday and he’d call me “cutie” and “babes” and “baby” and all that. And when I called him those names, he’d also repond as well…

The last time we spent some alone time together was for my birthday a month ago. Nothing extravagant or anything…just a simple quiet day at my place…that’s all and nothing else. So a week in advance, I mentioned to him about planning a day where it was all about us and to remind us about our summer days together and just to do stuff together, like play Twister, watch movies, and I was going to make breakfast for him. A few days for the actual date, he said he had to work and I understand that. But then he said that what i was doing was “too girlfriend like” and how it was “similiar to what his exes did for him” and that “i needn’t work so hard.”

I’ll admit I was kinda hurt by his words and I haven’t said anything to him since he said that to me. I couldn’t even respond back to what he said. And after he said all of that, he still told me “Goodnight baby.” I’m just really confused about where exactly I am at in this “relationship.” He knows how I feel about him but I don’t say anything too much to him because I don’t want him to run away or something if I’m coming off too strong. I want to be with him and I want this to work and I’ve been trying to be really patient with him as well. Where do I draw the line though in this case? How do I know if he’s truly into me and not just playing off of my feelings? How can I make this work and make him see that it could work between us?

Any help and advice would be greatly appreciated!

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Flyingchicken October 25, 2010, 8:39 am

If a guy im friends with recently only doesnt text or email me but in a convo gossiping abt a couple from sumwhere he asked if im seeing anyone n i said “not really”. He pressed me for details. Does that mean hes interested in anyway??

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Smart Payment Plan October 19, 2010, 8:52 pm

this blog is the best advice i have ever read in my life!

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Eric Charles May 30, 2010, 6:45 pm

That’s awesome! I love hearing that – thanks!

Good luck. Relax and hang back, everything will work out for the best.

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jen May 30, 2010, 4:46 pm

I’m in the exact same position….and this article is a huge eye opener, for six months i’ve been wondering why he won’t ask me out officially, when he tells me he loves me and tells me how great i am….thank you so much for your advice, now i know exactly what i need to do to change this, thank you!

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Tomato May 20, 2010, 6:40 am

I love your b log alot Eric!! I had alot of information from here. A guy say he likes me alot but can’t commit to me. What is that mean? Why can’t he commit since he likes me?

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Eric Charles April 19, 2010, 12:08 pm

Thank you for the comment Meg. I always appreciate hearing that my writing had a positive impact and I’m glad to hear it resonated with you.
.
It’s certainly a sticky situation to handle when it comes up, but it sounds to me like you’ve reached a point of personal clarity – always a good sign. Good luck!

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Meg April 18, 2010, 10:56 pm

Wow. Way to sum it up perfectly. Really helpful and eye opening. I was just in a similar situation and just finally realized I couldn’t do it anymore and shouldn’t have to hope that he changes his mind and wants me to be his girlfriend. Sometimes it just takes a while to snap out of.

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Bradshaw January 20, 2010, 12:27 am

Okay. That makes sense. But the guy doesn’t need to make the effort to keep in touch with old flings. I just feel like he’s making more of an effort than the females he’s keeping in touch with. But overall I do agree with everything in that article.

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Eric Charles January 19, 2010, 10:35 pm

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Bradshaw January 19, 2010, 2:26 pm

Eric Charles,
That makes a lot of sense now. The difference between men and women is that men divide work and relationships, and women on the other hand sort of use relationships as a drive.

One more question though: Why do guys is in a relationship make the effort to keep in touch with females he has had intimate relations with in the past? Is it an insecurity issue?

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liz December 15, 2009, 11:20 am

I think the problem is that you’re spending every night together…so he’s getting his cake and eating it too. A woman falls in love with a man’s presence whereas a man falls in love with a woman’s absence. You’re not giving him a chance for him to miss you and therefore not motivating him to take the relationship to the next step. I don’t necessarily agree that a guy has to call you his girlfriend after dating only a couple of months. Really? How can you know someone well enough to make that kind of commitment after a relatively short period of time. I dated a guy who talked about marriage after a month of dating and that completely freaked me out because there was no way to liked me for me; he was just in love with the idea of love and I didn’t feel special. If this is a relationship you want to work out and you’re happy with him, then take a step back. If he truly cares for you, he will step forward to make up for you’re taking back. Be independent, spend time with friends, don’t spend every night with him (because honestly, he hasn’t earned all of your evenings), and have fun. If he’s not calling you his girlfriend, I would put myself in the single mentality (and this doesn’t mean you’re sleeping with anyone though). If he wants you out of that mentality, then he’ll have to step up to the plate.

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Amy October 10, 2009, 8:25 pm

This is excellent advice. I am in that situation where I have been seeing someone for 9 months but he won’t fully commit by calling me his girlfriend. It hurts because I always thought I wasn’t good enough or he didn’t like me.. but I think it has to do more with him not wanting to be tied down, like you said. I have only brought it up once but I will definitely take your advice by keeping my options open and when it comes to the point where I’m done with the non-commital dating, I will give him the ultimatum. Thank you!

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Christina August 6, 2009, 10:36 pm

Hey: This was the best advice EVER! Men do not like to be forced to do anything they dont want to do.

Right now: I have a relationship with a male “friend”. He says that he is not ready for anything too serious, so I respect that and keep it moving.

BUT: he is sending me mixed signals: calling me baby, holding me at night, kissing me goodbye, getting jealous of other guys. But he calls me his FRIEND.

Confusing really.

I’m playing it cool cuz I like him. Any suggestions are welcome.

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Eric Charles July 20, 2009, 11:31 am

Well, saying the words isn’t difficult. Meaning them is a different story.

If the guy has already made up his mind that he wants to “settle down” in a monogamous long-term relationship, he really likes you and he can picture the relationship working out long term, then saying the words is no problem.

But guys aren’t always in that place. Sometimes we are, but other times our minds are on other things. If our mind isn’t on having a relationship at that time, then the thought of having one can seem like adding one more commitment to an already “full plate”. That doesn’t mean we don’t like the girl, doesn’t mean we are “anti-relationship” – just means that at that moment we don’t think we could make a relationship work out in the long run.

In my opinion, it is much better to have a guy not say that you’re his girlfriend when he doesn’t think it will work out than to have him “just say the words” and have it mean nothing. Might not be what the girl wants to hear, but at least the guy is maintaining his integrity.

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Bradshaw July 20, 2009, 12:57 am

“To a guy, calling a girl is girlfriend is typically a huge pain in the ass”

What I don’t understand is how it’s a “huge pain in the ass” just to say the freakin’ words.

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Cherub May 16, 2009, 9:29 am

personally agreed the realtionship couldn’t be change tremendously as what you expect when your boyfriend is just not a guy that you’re looking for but you insist to stick with him and want him to change on some way.

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Sue May 15, 2009, 1:51 pm

I would not give up if you deeply within you believe it is what you want and need. He may just be scared of being engulfed in someone he cares deeply for and then have it not work out later in which could hurt more than life itself. He may just be being cautious of his own and your feelings. OR he just doesn’t know how to approacj the situation with the object of his affection.

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rajinder kumar May 1, 2009, 5:05 am

i am lonely guy like to be ur frnd

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Pam April 10, 2009, 10:40 pm

ok. 1. we all have baggage, and you brought his to light saying that he had a rough go of things with his last girlfriend, 2. you’re only making things worse by (1.) indicating that you are okay with his reply, then (2.) taking it on him on him later- not to mention lying to him- because you are clearly not okay with his answer.

obviously things are NOT going well in your… er… relationship? why be with someone that does not want to commit to you?

your friends are onto something. they aren’t just pestering you. they are vested in your heart, not his and they are trying to protect you. sometimes we have a hard time sniffing out the evil when we are too close. I would trust their scent and either:

1. have a conversation with him and tell him EXACTLY what you want and need from him in a relationship (to include being called his “girlfriend”).
2. go on pretending that you are okay with this, because there must be something more to your relationship than just this one issue.
3. leave.

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