If you’ve completely screwed things up by being needy, insecure, etc, and given everything so the guy doesn’t feel the need to commit to you anymore, is there any hope in hell of changing things around, considering the renewed attitude I received thanks to you guys?
The number one reason women have so much trouble getting themselves out of a position like this is because they fixate more and more attention on the guy as he gives less and less.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not talking about holding back or intentionally trying to manipulate a guy by “making him work for you” with games and tricks. That’s magazine dating advice trash.
What I do recommend is you recognize that you’re choosing the situation you’re in and that choice is looking more and more like an ineffective strategy in getting the guy to have a relationship with you in the way you want.
Sure, he’ll give you hope. Sure, he’ll say all sorts of nice things to you to keep you as invested as possible in him. But the bottom line is: when a man says he doesn’t want a relationship with you, believe him.
You don’t have to stop seeing him if you don’t want to, but don’t sucker yourself into believing that you’re going to change the situation, change him, “reach his misunderstood and mistreated heart”, etc.
Much simpler solution? Be single. Keep your options open. After all, he doesn’t want a relationship, he doesn’t want a title, he doesn’t want to be exclusive. So instead of chasing him and triggering his response to retreat, be the single woman he supposedly wants you to be…
The higher your “market value” is on the singles market, the more likely he’ll be to want to lock you down in a relationship. That’s the irony of this very common situation…
Moreover, if a guy knows full well that another man would be glad to snap you up in a relationship and he still doesn’t come around and want an exclusive relationship with you, then you can be certain that there was nothing you could have done to make him want to be exclusive with you…
Either way, it’s a win – you either have him commit or you end up in someone else’s arms. Much better than anxiously waiting by the phone, hoping he’ll come around one day.
It’s interesting… I’ve had the experience years ago where I was dating a girl and I wasn’t even all that into her at the beginning, but then when she started slipping away, something inside me made me obsess over it.
Looking back on it, it wasn’t about my relationship with her – it was about the relationship I had with myself. It was a hit to my self-image and ego and I got sucked into to chasing that part of myself I felt I had lost…
The fact was, at that time I identified with my relationship. The way that the girl treated me meant something about me (in my mind). And after that, I rebounded hard in the other direction – the next time, I was the one who invested nothing into my next relationship… I reacted so poorly to investing in someone who wasn’t invested in me that I completely closed myself off from letting myself have feelings for anyone else at that time.
The core problem was still there… I was just guarding it to an extreme degree. It wasn’t until I truly realized that how the other person treats me or acts in a relationship has NOTHING to do with me that I was finally set free.
People obsess over trying to extract actions from the other person to prove that they’re in a good relationship. These days, I don’t do this at all. It’s not to say that there aren’t things that I want, but it’s not my mission to make the other person do things a certain way so I can feel good about myself.
Instead of trying to make him act like the boyfriend you’ve always wanted, a more effective approach is to just put great energy into the relationship, always. What comes back to you from him is what he’s naturally and effortlessly happy to give you back for it…
If it works for you, great. If it’s not enough, remember that you’re *single* until you’re locked down. Your situation might be comfortable and familiar, but if it’s not what you really want, then it’s a waste of time to try and force it to be something it’s not. Great relationships are surprisingly effortless and fit your nature; dead-ends feel confusing, induce paranoia, and feel like you’re always chasing something, never having…
I’m not saying that it’s easy to walk away from something you’ve invested yourself into… actually, it’s extremely difficult. The only way you can get yourself into a better situation is if you decide for yourself what needs to be done and put all of your effort into making that solution happen, without deviating from your mission and without second-guessing yourself.
It’s not easy, but remember: this is your life. This isn’t a practice run. This is it. People who spend their life waiting for the life they want to just happen will be waiting their whole life… Don’t be at the mercy of your situation and circumstances - create your situation and circumstances.
Hope it helps,
eric charles
andi May 15, 2013 at 6:42 pm
What would you do if the guy u met about 3 months started acting distant and I feel like its due to my insecurities that I pushed him away. I want him back because he is a great guy and he has forgiven me on my freak outs, please read my post on the forums. I really dont want to loose him
carla March 6, 2013 at 10:09 pm
This is sad. Most people who are in love see what they want or hope to see. They read way into small signs and downplay the blaring ones. The only way to break free of this is to decide in yourself that you care more about yourself than the object of your affection. To care more about you than winning them over in any way. The truth is that if they want you they will come after you. And when they have you they will do what it takes to keep you. Anything less than that is a waste. Stop sitting around waiting for them to come around. They don’t want to. Forget them and live your life for you, instead of wasting the short time we are given on earth on them. Life is just too short to play these stupid games with people not worth your time to begin with. Sorry to be so blunt. But seriously. Be free of it, and happy!
steph March 6, 2013 at 7:59 pm
Thank you. I’m in love with someone who sucks me back into his life when I tell him I’m going to leave. I fell in love with his kids and the feeling of waking up next to what felt like my own family. Now I see that although he may care, I’m wasting my time waiting for him when he has clearly told me that he doesn’t want a relationship. Even if it breaks my heart to leave him and his children I need to love myself enough to be alone until I’m ready and until the right man comes along.
Shar February 25, 2013 at 2:57 pm
Can someone please tell me why men lie?
carla March 6, 2013 at 10:15 pm
Mainly because they are uncomfortable with the truth. Either they are very manipulative trying to get something from you (sex, money, ego boost-run very far from this type of man), or they don’t want to hurt your feelings or deal with the outburst you may have when they do tell you the truth. Guys like their comfort zone of emotions- from happy to content. Anything outside of this is unpleasant for them to have to deal with, so they lie to keep things happy and content. Sorry, I know this is kind of cowardly, but that is the way they are. If I am wrong about this, someone please go ahead and correct me.
Mandy February 25, 2013 at 3:21 am
Hi,
I started seeing a new guy about a month and a half ago. We met on an online dating site, and while I am cautious normally when I date, I thought things were actually going pretty well between he and I. On our third date, he even told me he was no longer on the dating site. I thought that was a great sign because neither was I. And even though we’d only been seeing each other a short while, he even got me a cute little gift for Vaentine’s day just to let me know he was thinking of me. Then a week after that, he said he liked the progress between us and wanted to continue getting to know me and really enjoyed being with me. But then three days after that, he got weird on me – distant. We texted for about an hour that night and he basically said that he feels things are going a bit too fast between us an that he needed some space. He said he didn’t want to throw in the towel with us, which I thought was a good sign, but he did need some time to think and figure some things out. I respect his needs and reasons, but I feel like I’m getting mixed signals. He said he wasn’t on the dating site anymore, but I know he lied about that because I ended up looking and his profile has been active since we started dating. I would not have thought twice about it if he hadn’t said he wasn’t on there anymore. What’s worse is that he said we’d talk soon, and it’s been a week since we’ve even spoken and I’m even more confused now than I was a week ago and I don’t know what to believe or think. Why would he act romantic and say and do certain things if he was just going to freak out and need space at a crucial point in the dating phase? I just don’t get what I did wrong and how I am suppose to proceed from here. I could really use some advice. Thanks!
carla March 1, 2013 at 12:45 pm
you did nothing wrong. focus on his dishonesty. he lied to you about the dating site. why would he do that? do yourself a favor. give him the space he wants but keep in mind that it goes both ways. you are not at the mercy of someone else’s whims. do your own thing too. it certainly sounds like he is
Melynda February 24, 2013 at 12:50 am
My boyfriend refuses to talk about anything to do with fb with me. I few months back he complained that a pic of he and I was not my profile pic so I changed it although he never changed his. He never posts about me, me er puts up pics and never says he’s with me in his tags or check ins. I got sick of seeing all these girls comment on his posts and pics and write things I find to be inappropriate to someone who has a gf, so I unfriended him to save myself from getting upset and heart broken and I wanted to just focus on us. Now it’s become several months later a hige issue because I feel that he made such a stink about me making us my profile pic but yet he NEVER says a thing about me or us. I’m not mad about it as much as I’m hurt over it. How could you not want to show off, write about or show pics of the woman you claim to love the woman you do every thing with the lady you call your sunshine. This hurts me immensely. Yes he has cheated I’m the past and got away with it because he never posted that he was seeing or dating anyone else and didn’t allow girls to tag him in pics or check ins he claimed everyone was”just a friend” this is what he said to every girl. I don’t understand why after all this time and triumphs why I’m not good enough to even talk about?
Mandy February 25, 2013 at 1:05 pm
Hi Melynda,
My ex use to do the same thing regardng Facebook. He said because he was a very private person, he didn’t want his privat life on FB. But yet, other women would post pics with him on their pages when he was out at events for work, so I thought it was odd. My personal opinion of your situation is to just dump this guy. He sounds like he’s using you for his own personal gain (whatever that is). If he’s cheated in the past, I don’t know if I would trust him now, especially with how he acts with Facebook. Once trust is broken in a relationship, it’s very hard to repair the damage and get it back. Some people are lucky, but most of the time it’s just not possible. You deserve to be happy, so take some time for yourself! I hope this helps!
carla March 1, 2013 at 12:53 pm
does your gut tell you that something just isn’t right? reading your post i got that feeling immediately! when a person contradicts themselves like that, then they definitely are hiding something. i’m sorry to say this but that really appears to be the case here. he is not trustworthy, and therefore should not be given the benefit of the doubt. he has already proven to you who he is. just look at the evidence. and it’s not that you are “not good enough.” it’s that he knows what you will put up with and uses it to his advantage. i bet some of those other girls who are “good enough”would not put up with it! so what are you waiting for? don’t put up with him anymore.
Michelle February 14, 2013 at 12:47 pm
I cant thank this site enough for the help. After several failed relationships in which I was cheated on and emotionally abused, I got into a new relationship with some pretty severe insecurities. The man I am with is amazing, kind, funny, and super supportive but he does 1) have female friends, 2) maintain friendships with ex’s, 3) works with women, and 4) occasionally talks to women.
When we first started dating that was a huge problem for me. The advice on this website helped me calm down and work on myself before yelling at this wonderful man whose only problem was having his own life while dating an insecure woman. Of course; credit where credit is due; he was very forgiving of my freak-outs and talked through some tough stuff with me.
Partly because of the advice on this website, we are getting married in October and I can honestly say that I am happy with this wonderful man every day. However, I need one more piece of advice and I’m having a hard time with the subscription process.
He is completely unhappy with where he works and I know part of the reason he stays there is because it’s a steady salary with benefits and he wants to provide that for me. I tell him how appreciative I am and that I just want him to be happy. What I’d like to know is what I can do to support him like he always supports me. I want to tell him it’s ok to take a pay cut or something if it will make him happier but I don’t want to sound pushy or ungrateful. Any advice?
Stephanie February 12, 2013 at 10:19 pm
I understand everything you say in this post and agree with it. The only thing I have a problem though is you, as a guy, saying that you went obsessing after a girl you were not interrested in, just because she was withdrawing from you.
Being a girl, I don’t want a guy who is desperate to have me just because I’m pulling away and do my own thing. I want a guy who wants me for me, not for a status (girlfriend).
I’m not quite sure how to out this into words, but if I just do my own business, how I am supposed to filter the guys that are after me because of the fact that I’m pulling away vs they don’t want ME to slip away?
Hope this makes sense.
jules February 11, 2013 at 11:12 am
Hi Eric,
I too want to know how I can ask you a question & how to go about it. I’ve been looking to find a male psychologist that can help me understand the way men think. Maybe just reading your answers will help. I’m really hurt and devasted right now and need a mans advice. Thanks!
carla March 6, 2013 at 10:17 pm
What seems to be the problem? I may not have any advice, but I will listen if you like?
Jacqueline February 8, 2013 at 10:46 am
I have a similar question to Diana’s & would love to get your feedback. Thanks! I’m loving your articles & the emails.
Diana February 7, 2013 at 4:50 pm
What about the guy that says he doesn’t want to be exclusive with you right now but can see himself married to you and having kids with you later (his words)? Basically all of the benefits & actions of a relationship are there (both agreeing to not date others/be monogamous) but it’s missing the title.
Walk away knowing where your heart lies or see it though to see if he means what he says?
carla March 6, 2013 at 10:24 pm
It sounds like he wants you, but isn’t ready to let go of his lifestyle. He’s being selfish, but at least he’s being honest about not wanting a relationship. Believe it. If you are willing to hold out and wait, just be careful with your heart. Often when this happens and the girl moves on, the guy wakes up and realizes what he’s losing. But a girl who sticks around is letting him have his cake and eat it to and he has no motivation to take the next step. Not to say you should strong arm him, but it’s always a good idea to do whats good for you, and stop worrying about the other person in a situation like this. If he cares to fix it, that would be the opportune time to do so. If he doesn’t come a running, then his loss. No need to put your heart out if he won’t.
Nadine February 6, 2013 at 10:56 pm
Hi Eric…if I want to send you a question how do I go about it? I’ve already signed up on the list too. Thanks a million!!
Ellen @ Wannabe Health Nut February 6, 2013 at 9:23 am
I’m not single, but this is great advice that can apply to life in general. I’ll definitely be passing it along to friends!